tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post1754976100005198424..comments2023-05-18T03:34:13.887-06:00Comments on Releasing Jessie: NM's Reward for her Long Sufferingjessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-12357074244318432142012-07-09T19:16:58.926-06:002012-07-09T19:16:58.926-06:00She probably expects others to just "will&quo...She probably expects others to just "will" feelings to be or not be (according to her wishes, of course), but would never expect it of herself, and would probably be enraged if anyone else were to expect it of her. --quartzAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-77206662679789667362012-07-09T10:16:19.713-06:002012-07-09T10:16:19.713-06:00Thanks Scatha, I've actually come a long way i...Thanks Scatha, I've actually come a long way in not feeling I am in the wrong. I just couldn't fight the feeling that I SHOULD be allowed to be upset by my parent's divorce. But it was like she was continually trying to sedate me with her B.S. and I had to keep shaking it off. And, luckily, I'd moved past a lot of that before I even found out about narcissism.<br />What I couldn't get was how she thought I could just conjure up feelings of genuine happiness. How the hell was I supposed to do that? I guess it speaks to her pathology that she thinks you can just "will" feelings to be or not be.jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-5901544961002372702012-07-09T02:54:06.641-06:002012-07-09T02:54:06.641-06:00I guess all Narcs are the same. This "you owe...I guess all Narcs are the same. This "you owe it to your family and me to be happy all the time" thing is all too familiar. You don't have the right to feel. You don't have the right to be yourself. And it is not enough to smile, or to be nice to all the people she wants you to, you have to be GENUINELY HAPPY.<br /><br />And to sing for their wedding... how disgusting and painful must it have been...<br /><br />Like in George Orwell's 1984 where you have to honestly love Big Brother.<br /><br />And to blame all your unhappiness, abandonment and torture on you. Bah. It is never their fault.<br /><br />Keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with you!! It is only their gaslighting and emotional blackmail, and other nasty narc tactics. And it is your right to feel hurt about it.Scathahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10142503058944423178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-23668794322416320572012-07-09T00:01:25.841-06:002012-07-09T00:01:25.841-06:00Yeah, she blames you for feeling distressed about ...Yeah, she blames you for feeling distressed about her crappy behavior! You're not supposed to feel that way as long as she is happy!<br /><br />I remember my mom calling us kids (preschool) into the living room and condescendingly instructing us not to be afraid of our father, because his bark was worse than his bite. <br /><br />I felt dismayed that our mother saw that we were afraid, and wasn't going to do anything about it, and we were going to be left alone with the problem that now had the added distress of feeling guilty for being afraid, and having to deal with her disapproval of us being afraid. <br /><br />I felt an awful emptiness in the pit of my stomach when she told us that, and I didn't dare say, "but we ARE afraid," because that would be wrong, because she had just told us not to be. --quartzAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-67058915320813857732012-07-08T23:43:37.567-06:002012-07-08T23:43:37.567-06:00OK, my mouth dropped open (even more than usual wh...OK, my mouth dropped open (even more than usual while reading everyone's accounts of these things) and her scrubbing your sunburn that way comes across as deliberately sadistic. --quartzAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-20036930794426783432012-07-08T23:30:00.052-06:002012-07-08T23:30:00.052-06:00Yeah, she "finally put herself first" an...Yeah, she "finally put herself first" and then tried to claim it was all for your benefit and how dare you not be ecstatic about it!<br /><br />Gosh, she and your father, neither of them helped you guys through that! --quartzAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-6533147925093393402012-07-08T23:20:47.999-06:002012-07-08T23:20:47.999-06:00"And she loves to criticize me and DH for dis..."And she loves to criticize me and DH for discussing things too much."<br /><br />Yeah, she's surely jealous of you and DH being able to discuss things.--quartzAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-1907566936345731642012-07-08T23:04:35.664-06:002012-07-08T23:04:35.664-06:00Oh, TW, I figured Q was showing great restraint by...Oh, TW, I figured Q was showing great restraint by not coming up with that, but then you couldn't resist! How many of us had that as our first thought?--quartzAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-11792868264369683992012-07-08T21:32:29.403-06:002012-07-08T21:32:29.403-06:00Well TW,the NGC smokes weed like a chimney, so wit...Well TW,the NGC smokes weed like a chimney, so without some oxy, I doubt the moron can run!<br /><br />My NPs give a whole new meaning to the old saying, "Only the good die young." I fully expect them to outlive all of their children, including me. My older brother is already dead and the NGC's addictions are in their final stages...kidneys and liver shutting down, seizures, blackouts and screaming paranoia!<br /><br />As long as my NFOO continues to stay the hell out of my life, they can all do as they bloody well please!mulderfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500535934417551223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-56737617743627929512012-07-08T18:14:19.221-06:002012-07-08T18:14:19.221-06:00(If either of 'em ended up on O2 I'd find ...(If either of 'em ended up on O2 I'd find a smoker......preferably someone who had access to turn-out gear......and could run fast-that's an oxymoron, no?!)<br />TWTundra Womanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12262066568878267648noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-1370525597729077162012-07-08T15:37:52.834-06:002012-07-08T15:37:52.834-06:00She loved to tell me that I was like her own perso...She loved to tell me that I was like her own personal "therapist" when I was in college. I took it as a compliment then, as I was studying psychology. Now, it seems sick and wrong. And besides, you wouldn't LIE to your real therapist the way she did (does) me.<br />My mom liked to hang out with me and my friends, but she always just sat back and "observed". It was always uncomfortable for me, because I knew she was just sitting there forming all her little judgements. But she always let me know she was THE mom, a title that held her in esteem far above me. I was her subject. <br />But she's always used me as her sounding board. She loves to call EStepfather her "soul mate" but she can hardly talk to him about anything. They only communicate about real issues in pressure-built fits...of which she is "so proud" for standing up for herself. And she loves to criticize me and DH for discussing things too much. But it's never been a "best friend" relationship, as she's always maintained her air of superiority. More like personal assistant. That's what I'd describe it as.jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-28769650234376459202012-07-08T13:50:16.896-06:002012-07-08T13:50:16.896-06:00Yep, Q! NM is 90 and NF is 93 next month. Both pic...Yep, Q! NM is 90 and NF is 93 next month. Both pickled in their own special brand of hate juice.<br /><br />Your idea is really tempting but the NGC has let it be known, via my cousin, that he will not be letting me know when the end draws near. Aw, gee...promise?<br /><br />My daughter HAS promised that if I show the slightest hint of turning into a nasty old bugger, she'll put a bullet between my eyes!mulderfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500535934417551223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-33471133917126098172012-07-08T11:15:12.558-06:002012-07-08T11:15:12.558-06:00Mulderfan. You parents are still alive right? But ...Mulderfan. You parents are still alive right? But like in their 90's?<br />If she ends up on oxygen I would go over with a bottle of that oil and make her take some. <br />She would fight it, but you could pinch the tube shut and when she finally had to open up to breath I would have a nice gravy ladle of it waiting.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-32636036953241698312012-07-08T06:32:52.329-06:002012-07-08T06:32:52.329-06:00Right - she cares insofar as "how much can I ...Right - she cares insofar as "how much can I use jessie and for how long"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-20864347646270604682012-07-08T06:32:06.342-06:002012-07-08T06:32:06.342-06:00Sounds a bit like your mother wanted you to be her...Sounds a bit like your mother wanted you to be her best friend/emotional confidant when it came to your sister. With all that venting to you and calling for advice, you became your mother's mother of sorts too, along with the other roles I just said. While my mother never called and asked for advice, I did become my sister's older male role model (i.e. her "father") and my mother's emotional spouse since my sister's father was completely dead inside too. I know nothing of his upbringing though, so I can't speak to why he was the way he was. My guess is: dysfunction that was never really dealt with. Anyway, emotional spouse, that's what I was. Not sure if that same role change can happen in a mother-daughter relationship, perhaps it's more of a best friend type change. My mother wanted to be friends with me too though, and all my friends, and my girlfriends through the years. I took away her youth you see, and she wanted to live vicariously through me. So she tried to be my friend. "I'm the cool mom" she'd proclaim, "I'm not only his mother, I'm his friend!". Wrong role you fool.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-50676935764449732612012-07-07T10:43:38.217-06:002012-07-07T10:43:38.217-06:00Ouch, Q! Your last line brought back a charming me...Ouch, Q! Your last line brought back a charming memory of my NM. One year when my sunburn peeled she scrubbed the flaking skin off with steel wool and household cleanser.<br /><br />Why? She said I lied about washing myself properly because the patchy burn looked dirty!<br /><br />Please promise you'll just wash your mouth out with soap! But wait, my NM never did that! She just forced me to drink cod liver oil when I "lied".mulderfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500535934417551223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-81247500868825890442012-07-07T09:18:28.050-06:002012-07-07T09:18:28.050-06:00Do you have relatives in Dallas? Like your mother&...Do you have relatives in Dallas? Like your mother's sister?<br />The thing I hated about my mother was that she dropped the facade when there was no one around but me. So I was inadvertently clued in on the magnitude of her lies to them all. <br />The lies she told my father. The lies she told her main boyfriend. And the lies she used to keep her stable of lessor affair partners rotating in orbit around her.<br />She even coached me to lie to my father. She would call a guys home to see who answered and after she heard who picked up she would shove the phone at me and have me ask for some one and then tell them sorry I guess I called the wrong number.<br />Like TW. I didn't need or want to know anything about any of it. <br />I wouldn't want to be involved with that kind of sleaze today.<br />I am no prude but I would stop long before enlisting a child to help me grease the skids of all my illicit affairs. <br />Other than my father and my soon to be step, I don't think there was a single guy around that wanted her for anything but sex. <br />Excuse me. I am going to take a shower with a wire brush and an abrasive cleanser.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-31192012937930688002012-07-06T20:16:21.240-06:002012-07-06T20:16:21.240-06:00Nm often expected, demanded, MY forgiveness. To j...Nm often expected, demanded, MY forgiveness. To just get over it already. But her forgiveness also meant like it never happened. I don't know if I've necessarily forgiven her, sometimes I think that word has fuzzy meaning. But I no longer harbor...well, I don't know what would be the word. I'm angry but not vengeful, still somewhat resentful but not deluded into thinking things will change or that it will ever be made up for. I've put down my ideas that it will she will ever extend herself to make reparations. I've given it all up to make room for something else in my life.<br />Thank you for your support. I appreciate your thoughts and taking the time to offer your words.jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-51031840599977888522012-07-06T17:51:30.374-06:002012-07-06T17:51:30.374-06:00They DEMAND nothing less than absolute veracity fr...They DEMAND nothing less than absolute veracity from us while they are living lives of deceit, selfishness and off-loading all their shit on us. Long before the days of ED commercials, back when I was about 8 Psychobitch confided in me that Dad was impotent. I had no CLUE what that meant and it was a tough word for a kid to look up. Eventually between the dictionary and the Merck Manuel I kind of figured it out. I remember slamming those books shut (they were balanced on my knees) and putting my face in my hands-I just didn't want to KNOW about this stuff. While it's not an affair it certainly is an example of her attempt to cultivate an emotionally incestuous relationship with her child. And I'm suppose to support her bitching about Dad's "performance" when he worked like a dog to support her "lifestyle" to which she felt entitled?!<br />They live a sick "movie" in their heads and expect us to go along with the script when we never even received a copy. But we're "The Fixers" in their lives, expected to just dutifully take over the parental role-or ANY role they deem necessary while they damn well do what they pleased.<br />I'm so sorry Jessie. I know what you mean about reading something and a memory long buried pops up. It's like an archeological dig with some "unexpected" finds. I was also the bane of Psychobitch's existence-when I wasn't "useful" for some agenda she had already planned and executed. She "executed" a chid, a kid in service of HER selfishness, willfulness and need for chronic drama.<br />No, I'm not at all concerned with "forgiveness." I AM concerned with reality and calling it as it WAS, not as it WAS "Presented."<br />TWTundra Womanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12262066568878267648noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-2645102155106044712012-07-06T16:16:13.963-06:002012-07-06T16:16:13.963-06:00I know, right? I couldn't believe that it wou...I know, right? I couldn't believe that it wouldn't occur to her that this made me feel like a piece of crap. Worthless and undeserving of her attention. Like, her job was done, and what was I complaining about. And that she couldn't somehow be happy AND be my mom. I think that's what hurt the most. To be blamed for her sad, unhappy, pathetic life.jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-85365161455438338192012-07-06T16:02:50.126-06:002012-07-06T16:02:50.126-06:00Man, I'm sorry. The selfishness is just mind-...Man, I'm sorry. The selfishness is just mind-blowing. So she "finally put herself first," huh? Because she was SO unselfish before that, palming off her parental responsibilities on her kid, etc.Cassandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15946844298660263710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-5049565723461818692012-07-06T15:12:24.318-06:002012-07-06T15:12:24.318-06:00My NPs care about me like they care about an objec...My NPs care about me like they care about an object. They don't see me as a human being with feelings, thoughts or needs of my own. In other words, they don't care!<br /><br />I understand now that their inability to love me is a reflection of THEIR dysfunction. Others have no problem loving and supporting me unconditionally.<br /><br />Any responsibility I felt toward them has been fulfilled many times over. Took me a while to get over a lifetime of conditioning but I simply don't care anymore.mulderfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500535934417551223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-52397940462761583572012-07-06T14:53:25.378-06:002012-07-06T14:53:25.378-06:00Thanks for your thoughts. It is a long, painful p...Thanks for your thoughts. It is a long, painful process. I do think NM cares about me...the problem is she cares about me in order to maintain her narc supply. And finding out how to separate that out and come to grips with the fact that that really isn't care, has been hard for me. <br /><br />Did she care about our relationship dissolving? Yes, again, because she wanted her cake and to eat it too. She wanted the "happy" family in her mind. I played so many roles in her life, she didn't want to lose me. But it was all for HER needs, not every about how I felt. And also, if she acknowledged that she might have betrayed me, she would've had to admit guilt or that she'd maybe done something wrong. She never ever will, nor has she ever suggested she feels she did anything wrong. All the blame falls on me for moving away from HER.jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-49601388838907312192012-07-06T14:49:41.006-06:002012-07-06T14:49:41.006-06:00"Both equally unjust" Yes, because neit..."Both equally unjust" Yes, because neither could accept responsibility for their actions. And somehow dismissing that it was wrong at all.<br /><br />Isn't it weird how your mind just seems to pack those memories away? I've said before that my memory is impeccable, but all of that time is just one big blur. I can't even really remember what happened. Big, really horrible moments stick out, but the rest is gone. But it never went "back to normal".<br /><br />I did not write "my house" intentionally. It's funny, I remember having a mind glitch and re-looking at that word. But I hadn't thought about what it really meant until you pointed it out. Yes, it was MY house at the time. She was hardly there. I cleaned, I watched my sister, I sent the cops away and lied when they showed up. My mother put me in the role of "assistant parent" at a very early age. I was expected to tiptoe around my sister and baby her, as she had a volatile temper and my mother didn't like her unhappy. I was expected to watch out for her always and my mother had her attached to me. We dressed alike, were enrolled in the same classes (of which their were few) and got the same toys for holidays and birthdays, just in different colors. After school and weekends, she was MY responsibility. And I was held to high standards. NSis was a very stubborn, difficult child who often flew into rages and terrified me. She was difficult for my parents to control, but she expected me too. And I was punished if I couldn't and we "didn't get along." She would punish me for 'fighting' which usually meant my sister attacking me physically. When mom and dad divorced, I got upgraded from assistant parent to co-parent. She didn't have my dad to lean on so she inundated me with everything. All the horrible things my sister did and that had happened to her. She called for advice. She called to vent. She called to release on me. She raged against my dad for not "helping" (meaning he wouldn't do it her way.). She always steal expected me to put up with horrible abuse from her (physical violence, destroying and stealing my things, raging against me.) My first years of college were not about me at all, but helping mom deal with Nsis's baggage. Things continued to get worse for NSis. We hadn't talked a lot while we were in college (mother's triangulation tactics) but after college, we were able to see past a lot of that. So, then I had mom calling me about sister and NSis leaning on me in a way that she couldn't on my mother. My mom has always treated NSis like she needed rescuing and was incapable of taking care of herself. Consequently, NSis has absolutely no self confidence. So, she came to me to offer some "alternative" (read: healthy) support. At some point, it became too much for me. NSis's life was a train wreck of high levels of abuse, alcohol, drugs, and chaos. It was killing me. Lots of panic attacks and anxiety. I finally had to step down to save myself. It was one of my first steps at detaching. I could be there for my sister and I still try to offer support when I can, but I had to detach emotionally. To see her, like through glass (if that makes sense). And when I had my own kids, I knew that I couldn't parent them well, and take care of her. So I backed off even more. So, to answer your question with a very long answer, yes, at times I do still feel like a parent. I offer support when I can, a more "rational" unbiased opinion. But I'm detached and distant. And we definitely have never had a sister to sister relationship. It's always been more of adult and child.jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-7856099399766614952012-07-06T12:20:49.286-06:002012-07-06T12:20:49.286-06:00"She had no idea how badly she had betrayed m..."She had no idea how badly she had betrayed my trust, destroyed any notions of what I thought our relationship was, destroyed our relationship period."<br /><br />Sure she knew, but did she care?<br /><br />It's painful when the memories come back but eventually it's liberating. Once you internalize that your NM truly doesn't care about anyone but herself, you'll realize you owe her absolutely nothing and you'll be free!mulderfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500535934417551223noreply@blogger.com