tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post7184203872738700285..comments2023-05-18T03:34:13.887-06:00Comments on Releasing Jessie: The Last Supperjessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-74501826093190858402015-06-26T13:12:00.008-06:002015-06-26T13:12:00.008-06:00Hi Jessie, haven't been here for a long time, ...Hi Jessie, haven't been here for a long time, I see the saga is still continuing. <br />Ahh, restaurant meals with a narc mother, always makes for good entertainment! As for sharing and tasting each others food, that is personal space invasion, pure and simple. An old army saying is, never mess with another mans food or drink, I've seen the consequences, usually the perpetrator ends up wearing the dinner. <br />Jessie, please remember that narcs are just pushing their luck, it's almost like a game to them, they are just toying with everyone and it amuses them. I read somewhere that narcs are emotionally about 8 years old, they are also dreadfully insecure. Their behavior doesn't show confidence but rather bravado, however, the more they get away with things , the braver they get. <br /><br />My mothers favourite dinner trick was to wait until someone had a mouthful of food and them ask them questions. It really entertained her to see family members gulp down their dinner so they could answer her. She would catch old Grandad just as he was putting a soup spoon in his mouth, and when he was answering, she would butt in and scold him for spilling his soup. I realised this was a nasty trick when I was about 15 years old, of course being a rebellious teenager I lost it completely and she played the innocent hurt victim. So I suppose she was still curious if I would lose it in front of other guests or in public, however, I was wise to this, I'd even discussed it with my ex wife. Anyway we went out as a big group with my parents and my in-laws to a restaurant and true to form, she ate her dinner really quickly and then started working her way round the table asking questions, always waiting for the moment when someone had just put something in their mouth, just taking advantage of peoples better nature and good manners. It was then my ex just asked her calmly, "Why are you doing this?, and then explained what she had just witnessed. Well, like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar, she just burst into tears and cried like a baby, proclaiming her innocence of course. All very embarrassing, my Dad suggested the she had drank too much.<br /><br /> So, you can guess that dinners with my mother were far and few between, not that she ever stopped this habit. <br /><br />I'm glad that you're still writing your blog, and it probably makes you feel a whole lot better that your MIL's behavior is being noted and published. She is probably being entertained by having her family dance to her macabre tune, but we are being entertained by her ridiculous immature behavior. <br /><br />All the best, Dave<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-62293239771218577262015-05-15T03:17:13.855-06:002015-05-15T03:17:13.855-06:00This is really helpful and I understand better of ...This is really helpful and I understand better of 'sharing' in my FOO and my IL's. Ownership does help build community. I read case studies on this about developing societies and that ownership of property helps to develop a society. If everything is communal, it doesn't encourage sharing and building a community.<br /><br />I was raised with a lot of Indian culture in my childhood where the belief is everything is communal and what is interesting is at the core my IL's behave the same way. They go through people's stuff (they have gone through my stuff). There is also an invasion of people's space and time that is so subtle and like you said it is a form of emotional incest. <br /><br />Btw, is this the type of social coercion you were referring to with the comment on my last post? <br />At one lunch with my FiL (I had a cold) and I ordered tea and they gave me a pot with a cup. The tea felt so good against my throat and at one point FiL flags down the waiter and asks for an extra cup. I didn't know what he was doing as he had his own drink and then he takes the pot of tea and fills up his cup (not to mention several times). I was in shock that I didn't know what to do or say. xxTRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08532757489135750861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-49557568769621774432015-05-12T13:22:35.833-06:002015-05-12T13:22:35.833-06:00I taught preschool for several years. We were tau...I taught preschool for several years. We were taught to never "make" kids share. If you think about it, if a child has a more dominant personality, they can just going around taking whatever they want and call it sharing. It's not fair for the child who just picked up a toy and then is forced to share because some other child suddenly covets it.<br />With my own children, I definitely encourage sharing and generosity. But in reading about sharing, a child can't real FEEL what it is to share unless they feel ownership in something. If everything is communal, it's really not sharing, and the child doesn't get the full understanding of what it means. I encourage my kids to share, but I also know somethings belong to them and they don't want to share (it's perfectly acceptable to me that my older child doesn't want to share because his younger sibling will destroy it.) I think it's important for kids to feel ownership of things (and it helps them to create boundaries too). <br />In DH's family, there are NO boundaries and everything is "shared". If you want something, you take it. And if you object, you are labeled as having "selfish" qualities. No one is expect to be respectful of other people's spaces, time, or property. (BIL used to borrow things from us, like a ladder, and then would return it in horrible condition. He was too cheap to buy his own ladder and then had no respect for ours. And we were just expected to hand it over when ever he wanted.)<br />As you say, I agree that sharing can be used to bully. Especially when there is a significant power imbalance or temperament imbalance. If one person is significantly more dominant and the other much more amicable, it makes it awfully difficult to have enough mutual respect to allow real generosity. If one doesn't feel they have an entitlement to something someone else has, they can actually feel what it sis to be the recipient of real generosity. <br />I like you definition of generosity being of spirit. That seems spot on. jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-83545815012111593062015-05-12T13:10:33.461-06:002015-05-12T13:10:33.461-06:00Yes, it is so helpful to write it all out. :)Yes, it is so helpful to write it all out. :)jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-12929072027866809352015-05-12T03:00:59.218-06:002015-05-12T03:00:59.218-06:00Your dining experience is very similar to dining w...Your dining experience is very similar to dining with my IL's. The licking of the communal plate, trying to take food of other's peoples plates, this happens still, the last visit. Ugh. I can understand how you felt at that time. That is bullying. Funny, I wrote a draft post on one evening with my IL's. I wrote it to clear my head and see the patterns. <br /><br />The word 'sharing' can be used to bully like you point out. Generosity is not of money or food necessarily. There is a generosity of spirit, it is something deeper than tangible things like food. I have changed my definition because the one 'given' to me was to bully me. When people are generous, it is of their time, to understand and listen, imho. xxTRTRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08532757489135750861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-89135706655122230912015-05-04T06:18:33.194-06:002015-05-04T06:18:33.194-06:00Nothing like writing out the whole story to see th...Nothing like writing out the whole story to see their craziness in all its glory ;) Knowing it's not you was the key to getting out of that insanity. Only when we step out and look at the situation from the distance we can see clearly what is really going on. I wish I'd known all this earlier, but hey, better late than never... Karahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14470007362954479373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-86933315141480859132015-05-01T16:20:25.492-06:002015-05-01T16:20:25.492-06:00Shoot. "Stingy IS sitting..."Shoot. "Stingy IS sitting..." Judyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07843239483061220089noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-57126350844647386432015-04-30T11:59:49.435-06:002015-04-30T11:59:49.435-06:00I know; it's definitely a weird kind of comfor...I know; it's definitely a weird kind of comforting. And yet, not. I mean, it's comforting to know it really isn't me. As Ruth mentioned, it wasn't until I read other people's experiences with N behavior that I finally believed I wasn't the problem. Even better, other people shared how they dealt with the insanity. Even if I couldn't do it, I learned there were other ways than the ones I'd been using that didn't work.<br /><br />Stingy sitting at the same table together and you keeping all the food for yourself and throwing it away rather than let her have any. Sharing isn't sharing if it's forced.Judyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07843239483061220089noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-73631603604138550312015-04-30T09:24:28.301-06:002015-04-30T09:24:28.301-06:00Thank you Judy!! Like I told Ruth above, hearing ...Thank you Judy!! Like I told Ruth above, hearing that your mom is similar, is in a weird way, comforting (although I'm sorry for you). MIL lacks all kinds of boundaries (she actually buys the underwear that she expects her DILs to wear on their wedding night. EWWWW!) But the food one always get to me. And it's amazing how she can just flip it to me being "stingy" instead of her crossing all sorts of boundaries. <br />I'd like to stab her with a fork too. Just kidding. Sort of. jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-38867566982493278922015-04-30T09:21:54.476-06:002015-04-30T09:21:54.476-06:00I can not tell you helpful it is to hear that she ...I can not tell you helpful it is to hear that she sounds like YOUR mother (as odd as that sounds). I always read your and Judy's posts and can see blatantly how wrong her behaviors are. With my MIL, I often go back and forth. Mainly because my husband, more now but not at all when we met, doesn't see them as an issue. When we first met, he excused a lot of her difficult behaviors because she "is the mom of four boys" (I guess this meant that her manners and social graces were reduced by the testosterone in her home.) Then, she was just "different". Then, he could see it as odd, but was still able to easily dismiss it. <br />For me, she is a gigantic bully who has used shame, humiliation , and scare tactics to control me. She also used, to her advantage, the fact that I was taught to "respect" (read be absolutely obedient to) adults or older people. I also am pretty well mannered and considerate and I didn't want to upset her. In addition to all of this she is emotionally void and cruel at times.<br />I told DH, just yesterday, that she is one of the most controlling people I know. He raised his eyebrows because he thought that was a bit extreme, her being the "most" controlling (and in fact, he's often said that I am controlling and that's why I have problems with her. I struggled a lot to wrap my head around if it was really me or her.) But to me, a woman who wants to control my religion, my relationship with God, my communication with God (she claims God sends messages to her family THROUGH her), my marriage, my raising of my children, my children's perceptions of me, my finances, how much I pay on bills, and even where I sit and what I eat at meals.....well, that's controlling. <br />Thanks for your thoughts, Ruth. I look back and I think it's scary to think of the place that I used to be. I found it very healing to write this out and see how far I've come. jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-49669807959314714532015-04-30T08:16:50.277-06:002015-04-30T08:16:50.277-06:00It is not you! It is not you! IT IS NOT YOU!
I...It is not you! It is not you! IT IS NOT YOU!<br /><br />I'm so sorry you've had to put up with this. My NM also steals food from plates. Hate it!<br /><br />Congratulate yourself on showing restraint. A family friend attempted to steal a bite of waffle from my younger brother's plate, who promptly stabbed the guy's hand with his fork. Really. Actually, it still makes me laugh. I don't know if that makes me wicked, but I'm proud of my brother for defending a perfectly healthy boundary.Judyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07843239483061220089noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-81113375569062577032015-04-30T01:34:00.658-06:002015-04-30T01:34:00.658-06:00I'm glad you are finding answers about narciss...I'm glad you are finding answers about narcissistic behavior. I read this and thought.."Hey, she's writing about my mother." Yes I know this is your mother but my mother would be interchangeable....I'm so sorry. I thought my mother was unique...she's not. I still prefer to eat out of reach of my mother, yes she steals food off of other people's plates. She would swipe the heart of the watermelon. Setting boundaries, changing our lives, choosing healthy seems down right odd to people embracing unhealthy boundless behavior. I keep reminding myself they choose this way of living. It works for them, just not me. Sometimes nice to see a situation all together and recognize, it really is them. :)<br /> Ruthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07083142637240943607noreply@blogger.com