tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90267504468429463902024-02-18T23:24:52.482-07:00Releasing JessieStruggling with the effects of narcissism in my lifejessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comBlogger200125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-26097164196651984052016-10-27T15:56:00.004-06:002016-10-27T15:56:54.524-06:00Don't Stand So Close......My relationship with my NMIL has never been easy. While I don't think she's malignant, like my mother, she has caused conflict in my marriage, tainted all important events, and generally makes me miserable. <br />
She is a woman with a very fragile ego and demands constant stroking from her sons and her husband. She likes to be adored, likes to be "the best", and likes to be told she's above all others. She likes to be admired and likes to be in control. Having four sons whom she groomed to cater to her, she has been very successful in maintaining her control over her sons and the family. She created an environment in which everyone was to believe the same things, think the same things, like the same things, and behave the same way. Individuality was offensive.<br />
Along I came. I was young and fresh off of dealing with the after effects of my parents divorce and coming to realize something was really "off" with my own NM. I admired the closeness of my (now) husband's family. They were big, boisterous and "complete".<br />
However, I soon came to realize that, in order to fit in, I had to give up all my individuality and confirm. I had to accept I no longer had boundaries and control over my own life. I didn't recognize it as that at the time. I was just trying to be liked and fit in. I was very in love with my husband. <br />
At the very beginning, NMIL told me she was afraid of losing her boys to future DILs. DH and I had barely been dating and I'd given her no reason to believe I would "take" her sons from her. From that point on, she seemed to be determined to control me so that she wouldn't lose her son. She worked through him, manipulating him, gas lighting him, and convincing him to do what she wanted/when she wanted. If I objected, I was being difficult. She tried to control everything from where we lived, how we lived, to what we ate and how we spent our money. She very covertly shamed, blamed, and undermined whenever someone didn't do what she wanted. She used the family to bully people into submission (if someone didn't do what she wanted, she would send someone else in to "convince" them). But it was all very under the radar. My BILs still don't seem to see how much she controls them. (When they go on vacations with her, MIL plans them with her son. The DILs are left out. MIL is consulted for all major decisions. MIL takes on co-parenting duties with my niece and nephew....and in fact, sees her self as the sole guiding force of the kids.)<br />
As you can imagine, this didn't sit with me well. I spent a lot of time feeling bullied and controlled. And I felt helpless. My husband would become angry if I wanted to do something different. We spent a lot of time working on it. Finally, he started to wake up and see the truth (that something was off with his mother) but he still believes that it is something "fixable" and "we" (she and I) can work it out. However, he did start setting boundaries and we went LC. Particularly when he started to see how she was with the kids (and the influence she had on my niece and nephew and their perceptions of life) he put up boundaries. She is not a loving or sweet grandmother, nor is she particularly safe with the children (she tends to take the easy way out on things and does not supervise well). She does not make emotional connections with the kids. Rather, she has a superficial and shallow transactional relationship (she actually told me once she was bribing my child to get him to pay attention to her) and she uses them for narcissistic supply (among other things). She does not know the kids as individuals at all. (In fact, she doesn't even ever ask questions to them to learn about them. She just makes statements "at" them.)<br />
When she started to see she was losing control of me (and my husband), she took another tactic. She started in with phony flattery (especially to my husband). She thought by showering me with compliments, I would suddenly like her. But she still tried to be controlling, still felt entitled to us and our time, still tried to force us into her box. I actually preferred her to be more overtly bossy, as opposed to this fake nice lady who was all over me. Around this time, she also started to physically follow me around. <br />
It started by eaves dropping and hanging on the fringe of groups of people I was talking to when we were in public. She'd suddenly butt in and I'd turn, shocked to see she'd been standing there (she had plenty of other people to talk to). She was often listening in when I'd talk to my husband. She couldn't stand to be "left out" of anything and inserted herself into my proximity. She definitely lacks some social awareness, but she's not stupid. She's awkward, but behaves well enough that most people think she's a nice, normal lady. So these odd behaviors towards me really struck me. <br />
When we would take the kids to visit, she'd say hello and then latch on to me. I had expected her to spend time with the kids, but nope, she would sit next to me. And follow me around. And distance I tried to put between us, she'd squash. I used to be closer to my SIL and we would arrange all visits so that she and my BIL would also be there. It gave me an alternative outlet. NMIL told SIL that I "acted weird" towards her when SIL was around and so asked SIL to see her separately from us. SIL agreed (which began the down fall of our shaky relationship). MIL had me isolated again.<br />
She would offer up trite and ridiculous compliments to me ("I like your toenail polish" "you grew lots of vegetables in your garden" really stupid stuff that was not really a compliment. She never complimented anything of substance, lest I be perceived as "better" than her.) But to my husband, she would call up saying she wanted to spend more time with us and hadn't been the best MIL. She wanted to know what she could do. She claimed I was "the coolest person" she knew. And she wanted to hang out with m. (blech). She even apologized....to HIM.... for her behavior (I heard none of this). He asked her to back off and give me space and respect our boundaries. She backed off, but only a bit. She continued to demand to drop by, demand us to fit into their plans (instead of coordinating things WITH us), demand we give into her "want" of spending time with us.<br />
But whenever she was around us, she'd hound me. If I went into another room, she followed me. If I went outside, she followed me. She ignored the kids to try and make (lame and shallow) conversation with me (again, more like statements she would make AT me, instead of showing genuine friendliness and interest). One time, we were sitting across from each other on opposite sofas. She slowly slid off her's to the floor. Then, she inched closer and closer until she was at my feet. I felt backed into a corner. Another time, I moved chairs no less than four times in a room. She followed me every damn time. It was unnerving. At this point, I expressed to DH that I'd only like to meet them in public and that we had to coordinate were we sat so he buffered her (she lacks other physical boundaries and liked to eat off my kids plates which drove me nuts. When my oldest was an infant, she helped himself to his baby snacks while we were out. She also has serious emotional incest issues with my husband and his older brother. She doesn't respect privacy and has walked in on me several times while changing. However, she is very buttoned up with her own personal space. She has insisted that I "cuddle" with her at a coldfootball game and was offended when I wouldn't. During my husband's teenage years, they didn't have a TV in the living room and everyone watched TV in her bed together. She bought all of her DIL's underwear for them to wear on their wedding night. ICK. I could go on and on.)<br />
We had pushed back to LC and shortly there after she got sick. For six (glorious) months, she was hospitalized and was very close to death (don't get me wrong, I wish her no harm. And I was sorry she was suffering. However, it was so peaceful while she was gone. I finally felt free from her hoovering around us all the time and dropping in whenever. ) For almost a year, she was too sick to do much and we hardly saw her. That was a year ago, and now we are seeing her more and more. DH still struggles with wanting a "normal" family for his kids. He loves his dad and wants him to be around (although he is starting to lose his hero worship for him). He believes his mother is "trying". I believe she is white knuckling it.<br />
In the last few months we've been seeing them more and more. DH sees that as coincidental. I see it as "give them an inch" they'll take a mile. They have suddenly decided to start attending my kids sports functions (that's a whole other story, as being a star athlete is very big NS for my ILs. Up until now, they haven't put much attention into it, as the kids are young and not "stars" yet. They ended up no-showing several times when they said they'd come to watch. As "important" as we are, it's easy for them to ditch us, or expect us to change plans, for something better to them.) <br />
I consented to one game for my kids (to feel supported) and my husband. It wasn't bad, but it was uncomfortable. She sat behind me tense and pouty (she complained a lot about having wet feet). She's usually loud and boisterous, unless she's somewhere she's not in charge and she acts very cowed in those situations. She just generally seems cranky. My FIL, while a nice guy, also thinks it's funny to point things out and make a big deal about them. It really bothers me, as he's always laughing at the kids playing. I'm not sure if he thinks these things are "cute" but he makes such a loud guffaw about it that it feels a bit like making fun of them. At this game, my young son's shoe came untied and he couldn't get out the double knot. FIL drew tons of attention to it by laughing and pointing it out. (I feel really uncomfortable during these situations, but feel pressured to join in the laughing.....like I'm being a stick in the mud by not joining in.) DH's FOO teases relentlessly (expect MIL. No one teases MIL, she gets pissed) and makes big deals about things and laughs loudly. I felt the shoe tying things was ridiculous and make a big deal out of it for so long could embarrass the kids (sort of "look everyone! Look at him!!" It just sort of has that feeling about it. My husband, accustomed to this sort of teasing, misses it a lot.)<br />
I thought I'd be done for a bit with them, but no luck. They invited themselves to my son's football game yesterday. I get very anxious when they are coming around (I realize I often feel helpless. I feel if I say or do anything they perceive as "different" or "not going along" my husband will get upset with me. He often gets cranky with me after we see his family. I'm not generally a difficult person, but he accuses me of it with his family.) I was not thrilled about them coming and, since my husband is a coach, I would be stuck with them by myself. I worked with a friend to arrange our chairs so that it left no spot next to me during the game. I told DH that I did not feel like entertaining them during the game and planned to be polite by keep my distance. (I wanted to enjoy the game too, not listen to FIL and MIL cackle at all the things they found funny.) They arrived just as the game was beginning (they can never be on time, so that works to my advantage) and I could see FIL was frustrated with the lack of room. He also expressed annoyance that the game had started before the game time (all the kids were there, so the ref started. Be early next time.) I was polite and greeted them and shrugged off the "game started" comment. And then I turned back to watch the game. He went down to sit in another spot (with my nephew. They were babysitting my niece and nephew. They were supposed to come to the game last week, but rearranged it all at the last minute because they, now, were needed to babysit. So, I spent two weeks very anxious.)<br />
However, MIL remained parked right behind me. Parents rarely actually sit during these games, so I was standing. She stood right behind my chair. The energy coming from behind me was uncomfortable as I could "feel" her intent on me. Eventually, she hollered (she always hollers) up at me to ask where my other son is. I'm not sure if she expected me to have him waiting there for her or what. I told her he was playing. She said something stupid in return ("oh, he plays too?") I turned back around. Pretty soon, she's inching up between the chairs, standing to my right,but behind me. I move down to a friend of mine and make conversation. She moves closer again. She's standing all by herself, without my FIL, so it's clear she's trying to get to me. I again involve myself with the game and move further away. I HATE this stalking she does. I hate feeling like she's forcing herself on me. I hate feeling my space invaded. If I had wanted to talk to her, I would have. If I wanted to interact, I would have. Why couldn't she just go sit with her husband and watch the game (that she was supposedly here to see)? I feel misplaced guilt about what I'm "supposed" to be doing (chatting them up, making MIL feel comfortable -everyone is responsible for her feelings, making sure everyone knows DH's parents are there.) I've often felt this pressure in the past to "give" them myself and do what they want. I hated feeling that way and felt I was putting on a show instead of being myself. Any other game, I walk around, chat minimally with other parents, and I watch the game. Why should this be different because they are there? My husband doesn't sit and chat the whole damn time. Hell, he hardly ever sits and talks with his mom at all. Why should I have to?<br />
Later, I go back down the sideline to give my son some water. She is standing right behind the players (which is weird. Most of <i>the parents don't stand there.</i> They give the coaches and players some room.) But not NMIL. She's got my niece (who she's using as a shield, she does this a lot) and trying to get my son's attention. "(OS)! (OS)! Did you see who is here? Your cousin is here?!" He waves a bit and goes back to focusing on the game. She tries again to get his attention and he walks away. (He wasn't being rude, he really was so focused he wasn't even paying attention). I think it's ridiculous that she's demanding his attention while he is supposed to be focused on the game. It makes my stomach churn.<br />
Luckily, my nephew got stick (not for my nephew, obviously) and they have to leave. They do not say goodbye to me and take off. (I was so glad we didn't have to sit and chat after the game. They tend to "linger" and you can't get rid of them. It takes an hour to say goodbye to them.)<br />
I couldn't help but feel that they were annoyed with me. I know I didn't live up to what they wanted and I'm sure they saw me as "rude" and "stand offish". And while I certainly wasn't interested in talking to them, I wasn't acting <i>any different than I would have had they not been there.</i> I struggle with the feelings of guilt though. And then I get annoyed remembering how she stalks and lurks around me. <br />Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? Holding my ground does nothing (and only rewards her and encourages her.) If I grey rock, she sees me as rude. She has none of these expectations for her own son. I don't want to feel I'm running away from her, but I also don't want to be pinned and cornered. And I don't want to be forced and pushed into being friendly and social with her. If she would just be friendly, but distant, with me, I would be just fine with her. If she could just back the fuck off of me, I'd be good. I do not want to be friends with someone who's been cruel and mean to me. I have no illusions that things will get better if we just "try" (she's too self absorbed to be friendly with and friendly only gives her license to control you.) I feel a bit stuck. Any thoughts are welcome.jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-2059075151847551302016-09-20T14:31:00.001-06:002016-09-20T14:31:33.430-06:00Another Long WeekendWhen my mother came for my son's birthday in May, it ended horribly. She picked fights with me until I final stood up to her and stopped her. I told her that if she wanted any kind of relationship with me, she needed to stop condescending me and treat me as an adult. She even tried to rope my husband into the situation, telling him (after I left the room but could still her here) that what I was "doing wasn't right". I'm assuming "what (I) was doing" was being NC with my sister and that most of the reason she was picking the fight with me was so that she could yell at me about being NC with my (forever-in-chaos) sister. I'm not so sure she really cares that I'm NC with my sister, other than dealing with my sisters drama falls mostly on her. Oh, and it looks bad. Oh, and it probably leaves her at a disadvantage when trying to triangulate. Among other things.<br />
After she left, she "reached out" to me several times trying to get me to mend the relationship to "what it used to be". (She clearly is trying to label our relationship as good "before", but she knows damn well, it's never been good. I just kept myself quite and never fought back, so it was "good" for her. Not me.) I finally responded that our relationship needed some serious work and that it would take time and effort. She agreed. And then I didn't hear from her again for three months (except once, when she caught wind that I was on vacation and demanded to know where I was). She started playing games again with me about a month ago. NM is a very tit for tat kind of person, so because she believes I am withholding or ignoring her or not "reaching out", she behaves the same way to me. So, she would ask me questions and then not respond for awhile. She pulled out a fabricated story that she uses every. single. time, she comes to visit. She demands to know what the plans are, as she claims that work is "so busy" (and she's always about to be "let go" so she has to be careful. She's worked for the same company for 35 years) and that "other coworkers are looking to take time off". You'd think she'd remember the bullshit she tells me every time, but no. Anyway, she went back and forth, telling me she would get a hotel (which I had hoped) but then asked at the last moment to stay here.<br />Now, before anyone criticizes, I know, I know. I know that was a bad decision to allow her here. I know I should (probably) be NC. I know all of the things I should be doing. However, I did it because my kids already know something is up. They also know that grandma has been less than welcome and we've had very limited contact. They have been upset by this. They also miss my step father, who is (mostly) a very nice man and grandfather to them. I feel that I have gone into extreme LC with her and that I could handle a day and a half of her being here, especially with SD (step dad) here (he tends to keep her in check a bit. One of the problems with the last trip was that he didn't come. So, she got drunk and started picking fights. Also, my husband does not want to go NC, with either my FOO or his NFOO. He feels my kids will resent not having grandparents and I struggle with that thought.<br />
<br />
I have done a lot of work and I did feel a whole lot less anxious about the whole thing (in addition to NM, I also have to deal with NMIL during this weekend. She also likes to stir up drama. I also have a SIL who likes to create drama too and always "complicates" the birthday parties. She is always late, or doesn't show, or one time, stomped off in a fit because she was angry with my BIL.) My husband's been gone a lot for work and life has been hectic, and so I was surprised at how calm I was remaining. <br />
<br />
And then, NM showed up over an hour earlier than she normally would. And the weekend started. So, here are some highlights:<br />
<br />
*As I said, she should up early. This is typical NM, to try and throw me off balance. I've had her sneak around my home and knock on my living room windows (as I was nursing my baby-openly- and with SD in tow) in order to "surprise me". She thinks it's funny to throw people curve balls and laughs gleefully. She knows my son doesn't get home from school until later in the afternoon and my husband works, but she showed up at 3:30. I was not done cleaning (and was upset) so I said a breezy hello and said "oops! I was just finishing vacuuming! I'll be with you in a minute." I hadn't had a chance to get my son settled from school, I hadn't had a moment to do some calming exercises, like I'd hoped. And I know she did it on purpose. She always at least calls when she gets into town, but not this time. So, it doesn't start well.<br /><br />
* I continue vacuuming, calming myself and regrouping. When I go to say hello (she and SD huddled back into my kids rooms, which I wasn't happy about. I had also hoped to have my son straighten his room after school, but no such luck.) she was gone. It had been, maybe, 10 minutes. I talked briefly to stepdad, apologizing for not being ready and not expecting them early. His reaction told me he also knew she was trying to screw with me. (NM's vengeful side and her get-even-nature, are well known to both me and SD.) Because I couldn't find her, I went out into the garage to go outside and gather some tarps I'd had out, but hadn't had a chance to put away. As I came around the corner, she jumped. There she was, on the phone.....with my sister. I was pissed immediately. She used to do this to me, before we went NC. She'd have my sister on the phone as she walked in the door of my house, describing me, my home, what I had going on....before she even said hello. She used to claim my sister was "jealous" of her spending time with me and "always" called right as she was pulling in. I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now. I think it is so ridiculous that she needed to be on the phone with my sister. I'm sure she was crying about how I hadn't greeted her like she wanted. (Also, in May when she was here, she also used this phone trick to stir up drama. She kept jumping up to check her phone -making a big scene - or checking her iphone watch. Then, tons of huffing and blowing and sighing. Every time we went to do anything, there was a "sudden" emergency text. She claimed my aunt was having some problem with my cousin and was demanding support. I ended up peeking at her phone....which she left open to the messages....when she set it down and found out SHE was texting my aunt and asking how it was all going. My aunt kept telling her not to worry and enjoy her weekend.)<br />
<br />
*NM spends several minutes talking on the phone to my sister, going around the corner of the garage so I can't here her. She then comes in, but I'm now starting to cook cupcakes (which I had needed to do and since she was busy....). She hasn't come to say hello at all. When I go looking for her (again, another 10 minutes later), she's got my older son outside. I watch from the window as he tries to show her some of his soccer footwork. She's scrolling on her fucking phone. I'm annoyed that, this boy whom she claims is so damn important is trying to show her something and she's ignoring him. And she's only been here 20 minutes. So, I open the door and tell him he needs to come do his homework. She starts paying attention. He comes in (after smarting off. He tends to smart off, mostly, when she is around) and I ask him who grandma was talking to (I know, I shouldn't put him in the middle, but I wanted to know if he knew). Of course he knew. "Auntie Drama. (NM) said my moves were so good that she videotaped her and sent them to auntie." Now I'm really pissed. My sister has only marginally (at best) paid any attention to my kids. She forgets their birthdays. She rarely sends gifts or spent time with them before NC. I had to take both of my kids to meet HER, not the other way around. She is jealous of the attention they receive from me. She is a horrible influence around them and sets bad examples (swearing profusely, drinking, complaining endlessly if she has to do too many "kid" centered thing, being vulgar and exposing them to vulgar things, along with her abusive boyfriend. She wanted to bring her abusive boyfriend to meet me for the first time....and stay in my home for days...immediately after my C-section with my second son. When I said no, she refused to come). She few times she saw my kids, she paid attention to them for a limited amount of time and then grew bored and went back to drawing attention to herself. She has never expressed any genuine interest in my kids (my youngest, 5, she's only met once at 2 months. He was a year and a half old when I went NC). I felt it was such a violation that NM would send a video of my kids to her. I felt that it crossed big boundaries. I felt that NM was placing my sister's wants over mine. I felt she was using my son and manipulating him into thinking my sister actually gives a shit about him. (NM wants everyone to think well of my sister). <br />
<br />
*So, I go back to the cupcakes and son goes downstairs to play with his brother, SD, and NM. I come down a few minutes later and she won't look at me. She does not say hello or greet me at all. I had tried to be friendly (but disconnected) as I came down to say hello, but she blatantly wouldn't look at me. As I watch the game, I notice she is starting to bristle at my older son. He used to be her "everything" but when he turned 5, she started to lash out at him. She would do things to put him in his place and often projected negative characteristics onto him (i.e. that he was greedy, or selfish, or mean, or stubborn, or controlling, or rigid). My son is very independent. And he can, on occasion, be bossy. But he's also a good leader (that is the word his teachers repeatedly use). He is polite, but definitely doesn't allow people to walk on him. He is not passive and a follower, which bugs the shit out of NM. He is not obedient ("disrespectful" in her terms) and she hates that she can't control him. So, she creates situations in which she can then chastise him for being "greedy" or "mean". But she does it very, very covertly. She once sent a package loaded with gifts for his little brother and light on gifts for him (after she got in trouble with me for her convincing him to keep a secret from me) and when I pointed it out that he noticed, she snorted and said "figures he'd keep track!" as if he was being petty and ungrateful. He was 5 at the time. <br />
Anyway, as I watch the game, she clearly has it in his mind that he's trying to win the game and is shifting things in his favor. (She also favors my little son and so is overprotective). In reality, he has noticed the shift of her attention and the favoritism, and he's really just trying to get her attention by winning and showing them how smart he is. Especially since it's "his" birthday weekend (and NM had told him that little son got more attention last time, as it was his birthday) he just wanted to impress them. But he wasn't playing outside the rules and, I felt, he was actually being pretty kind to his little brother. But NM started snorting and implying he was cheating giving him a disdainful evil eye. (Later, when he accused her of changing up the rules to favor his little brother, she retorted with "you're a cheater!!" I wasn't in the immediate vicinity to intervene, but called my son to come upstairs and help me.)<br />
It really bothers me that she sets my son up like this. On her last day here, she came up, smuggly laughing that my son "doesn't like that I challenge his way of doing things". Firstly, she is not "challenging" him. She's pulling rank, as an adult, and telling him he can't do things as he sees. She doesn't negotiate or discuss it with him, she just antagonizes him. Her goal seems to be to "put him in his place" (she loves to put people "in their place") or "take him down a peg" (another phrase she loves). And even if, <i>even if</i>, she felt his behavior was unacceptable, it is not up to HER to correct his character. (I will add, she has something negative to say about damn near every one of her grand kids or grand nieces/nephews. She is highly critical. It is hard for me, as my son is a very assertive kid and her criticism stings. But none, NONE, of his variety of teachers or coaches or friends' parents have ever characterized him in such a negative way. Most have nothing but positive things to say about him.) I really wish I would have said "why do you feel you need to challenge him?" I wish I would have stood up for him. But I didn't. She was set to leave and wouldn't be around him much anymore (I did try and keep him distanced from her as much as possible, with lots of activities or with alone time with SD, whom my kids love to hang out with.) I knew she was laying in wait for something to latch on to and pick a fight. So, I bit my tongue and walked away not saying anything. <br />
Several other times, my son came up crying. Once, he claimed that they wouldn't let him play (she wouldn't. When he tried to join in, she grabbed him and held him from playing.) Another time, she changed the rules on a football game (and is an avid football fan, so she knows the rules) so that he couldn't score or make plays (she was again holding on to him). I felt so badly for him. But....and maybe this is horrible....but I thought they were very mild examples showing him that grandma isn't this loving, wonderful woman he convinces himself she is (he gets very upset when I explain that grandma is a bully and can be mean and that's why we don't see her as much or go visit her. He claims he loves her and seems to forget the nasty things she does in favor of remembering the good.) Since my DH doesn't see NC as an option, I feel that letting him see bits and pieces of her nasty side and agreeing with him that it's not right and I'm sorry that she acts like that, helps him to protect himself. It helps him to see that, just because someone buys you off, it doesn't mean they "love" you or are "nice" to you. But maybe I'm wrong. I'm just trying to work with what I've got at the moment. Everyone I've talked to says that I can't "control" their relationship or his perceptions of her. That I can't "disparage" her. And he repeatedly gets angry with me when I've told him that I am keeping her at a distance for his own well-being because he only had the doting, "loving" grandma for so long.<br />
I don't know, maybe I'm completely wrong. I struggle with what to do. In any event, my son distanced himself from her the rest of the weekend. She tried, the last day, to say "come see me! I haven't hardly seen you and spent any time with you!" But by this time, he was over her (and all she wanted was to cuddle him physically, which is not something he enjoys). <br />
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*As far as my younger son (who is 5 and a lot more cuddly), she took every opportunity to cuddle him (even running up to put him back in bed over and over. She knows I do not like this, but she did it anyway. And by the last time, I was sick of arguing with her. She made a big deal the next day about how she slept with him and how much that made him happy and go to sleep. BLECH.) She likes to put on this cartoon-ish personality around little kids. It's not a pleasant personality, but is cloying and ridiculous. She often likes to dance around, squeak and make little stupid noises that drive me crazy, but gets a little kids attention. She likes to see them think she is funny and pay attention to her "performances". It is obnoxious, at the least. However, my son does see through her a bit and tends to stick with SD. But she revels in any attention he gives her.<br />
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*She can't stand to be told what to do and acts like a child if I ask her to be on time for anything. We had to be to the kids' soccer games on time and she suddenly couldn't get herself together to get in the car (despite being told what time we were leaving). When we got there, she spends time dawdling, putting on her coat and then sllllloooowwwwly walking to the game while holding youngest's hand (I wanted to smack her). <br />
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*She basically kept her distance from me. We both seemed to be practicing "medium chill" or "grey rock". She only asked me ONE question about myself and that was right before she left. She works in human resources, so she puts on her "human resources" persona around me. When I tried to tell her bits about the vacation that she demanded to know I was on (and demanded pictures), she gave only vague, blah responses. I could see her simmering, but she remained cool and aloof. She left without saying "I love your" or any of the other responses she usually says, which is fine with me.<br />
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*My husband got a new job. She asked him tons of questions about it and it was clear she wanted him to like his new job. Not for his sake, but because she thinks it's prestigious and will make him more money. When I told her, back in May, that I was struggling and things were hard for me (as my husband was traveling a ton more and it was upsetting to the kids) she said "I'm sure, but I'm really excited for DH." I guess her excitement trumps my struggles. Not once, all summer, nor on this visit, did she ask how me or the kids are handling this. <br />
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*While she was here, she asked to post on photo on FB. I said fine (she kept trying to shove all of the photos she took in my face, but I responded distantly). She posted not one, but THREE. She asked if she could post photos from soccer. I said no. I also said it's against league policy, as there are other kids there. She said "OK" and then sent me the same photos....twice. When I didn't respond, she made up a cloying post about "missing" the kids and posted the photos (although she did crop out the other kids, so she was "technically" following my direction.).<br />
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For my part, I felt that I handled her reasonably well. She did not rile me up. She did not get to me. Sure she hurt me at times, but it didn't cut me that deeply and I was able to recover. Anytime she tried to direct things to herself, I ignored her. I spent a lot of time talking to SD (who was very nice). I maintained grey rock.<br />
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But it still wore me completely out. I've had an emotional hangover for two days now. I am ruminating about the situation with my older son, wishing I'd said something, but not wanting to give her fuel to start an argument. I feel very alone and without support, as my husband doesn't seem to get how difficult this is for me. (He is very contradictory about how I should deal with difficult situations and I find that frustrating). I am very sad and have been grieving a lot. I'm feeling a bit depressed. But I'm trying to find my way through it. I don't know if any of this is progress or not. I guess we'll see.jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-5952911301953245572016-09-09T20:12:00.002-06:002016-09-09T20:12:36.846-06:00HelloI'm not sure if anyone is still out there reading this blog. I know it's been awhile. I have still been working on dealing with my Ns, but I've needed to do some more personal work, rather than the more lengthy blog posts. <br />
It's been 4 years since I went NC with my sister. When she lied on FB about having cancer, I'd had enough. I asked her to change her relationship with me. I changed my relationship with her. I refused to participate in the drama, the codependency, the enmeshment, and, most of all, the enmeshment. But the merry-go-round of drama continues to go around with her. Last year, she rushed to my grandmother's death bed to "make amends" after 15 years of estrangement. (She N-raged against my grandmother and then blamed my grandmother for not "reaching out" to her and making her feel better.) She managed to "martyr" herself into getting the most money of any of the grand kids out of my grandmother and my grandmother's car. She also used the opportunity to try and force me into contact. The latest drama is centered around her break up with her long-term and abusive (she's abusive too) boyfriend. Again, she suddenly wants to "fix" our relationship. But really she just wants me to take on her issues again. She has been buzzing around a lot lately, trying to see what she can do to get me to interact. Up to this point, I have held strong. <br />
I slowly went more and more LC with my mother too. She had started in picking on my oldest son and I'd had enough. So, I severly limited contact between her and my kids. And I started to fade away. Although NM was clearly not happy about it, she didn't bring it up, but rather, silently seethed. In May, while visiting for my youngest son's birthday, NM spent over an hour trying to pick a fight with me. She kept bringing up ridiculous subjects that she knows are touchy subjects (one being politics) and tried to force me to get angry. What she was really aiming for was to confront me about my NC with my sister and my LC with her. She mimiced me, made fun of me, belittled me and basically treated me disrespectfully. I finally lost it and told her: treat me with respect and like an adult or we won't have a relationship. I finally told her (quite calmly but VERY firmly) that I was done with the relationship as it was. She (literally) glowered at me. She glared unblinkingly at me. I asked her twice to stop. She didn't, so I left. She then started in on my husband, complaining to him about me and saying what I was doing "wasn't right" (I'm assuming what I was "doing" was going LC/NC). He defended me and she claimed to "understand" that he was defending his wife, but that he "knew" I was in the wrong. I grey rocked her for the next day in order to keep the peace for the sake of my son.<br />
After she left, she sent me several texts and an email, apologizing for "her part" in the disagreement and that she "wanted our relationship back the way it was". When I didn't respond, she started texting and bugging my husband again. I finally responded that things weren't working as they were, that things needed to change, and the relationship would require some work. I haven't heard from her since then. Of course, until now, when she wanted to come for my older son's birthday party (not his actual birthday, but the party.)<br />
I know, I should just cut her off. (Especially after watching the co-dependent mess she participated in with my sister this summer. After the break up, my 36 year old sister moved back home for a month, sponged off my mother, and then moved back out when they couldn't get along. Shocker! NSIS had been making up more fake medical issues and expected everyone to rescue her. Really, she just needs a therapist. But God forbid, she gets on of those. She verbally abused my father, threw tantrums, and basically caused havoc. And NM lapped it all up, enjoying the drama and then complaining about being involved in the drama. And then she and NSIS would go on FB and act like the perfect mother and daughter.)<br />
My sons (especially the oldest) still loves their grandmother. I still don't feel completely right about going NC. I am allowing NM to come for one day for the birthday party. And I'm dreading it (as my sons skip around excitedly for grandma to come). I have no doubt she's still seething and looking for ways to get revenge (she is a horribly vengeful person). I can see now how much the stress and anxiety around these two woman makes me sick. I have had nightmares and been irritable and depressed. I plan to grey rock the shit out of her (it will help she has my step father with her this time. She behaves somewhat around him), But I'm dreading it. My husband is against NC. He feels my kids will resent me for cutting off their grandparents (my MIL is a narcissist too.) We have little to no extended family around our kids. (They have 4 uncles/aunts +their spouses; none of whom makes any effort to be in their lives. My BIL and SIL only live five minutes from us and we never see them.)<br />The whole situation makes me sad. I do feel a lot stronger than I have in the past. I feel more self assured. Standing up to NM in May really helped my self-confidence and independence. But I still feel mired in the shit. I still feel sad, and lost, and lonely. I feel like a person without a "home". I worry about my kiddos. I worry about the covert manipulation by their grandmothers. I worry about them feeling isolated and alone without extended family. <br />
We also don't have many close friends. We are working on it, but it's been a slow process. People our age have friends and don't need new ones. I had made one friend, but after I asked her to watch my home for a week, some sides of her came out that I was not thrilled about (she wasn't honest and allowed her kids to have a play date with another kid at our home). That relationship is on "pause" while I figure out what to do (our kids are close friends, so, yet another decision that can effect my kids). <br />
I'm stuck also trying to explain things to my kids. I don't believe in completely not saying anything to the kids. As with any difficult subject, I think it's important to share age-appropriate information. I don't want to like giving my sons the impression that their grandmothers are great people and people we should want to be around a lot. I don't want to participate in them being "groomed" by their grandmothers by acting as if grandma is normal. Both my kids are very perceptive and have picked up on things. But they are young, and I've been warned to not burden them emotionally with "adult" issues. <br />
On the plus side, my father finally has heard me. When my grandmother died, I finally let it all out. That I was in therapy. That I had PTSD. That I had been suicidal. That the relationship with my mother and sister was horribly toxic to me. My father isn't particularly warm or open emotionally. H has had his own trauma and suffers severe depression (which made him angry and abusive when I was a kid. He's getting treatment and is a lot better). But he, at least, understood and told me I was doing the right thing. Of everybody in this world, he is the only other person who understands the depth of the problems with my mother and sister. He's a victim of them too. He's not great at support, but he's at least been there somewhat. So, it's something.<br />
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So, I'm still plugging along. But I wonder if it will ever get significantly better. To where this doesn't weigh on me so damn much. To where I can detach and completely focus on my own family. It bothers me SO much that this takes up so much of my energy and emotional space, which takes me away from my own family. As I watch my kids grow so quickly, I don't want to waste this time on unnecessary drama. Which is why I moved away from the Ns in the first place. But I become frustrated with the time and effort it takes to make progress. I wonder if I"m progressing fast enough to not harm my kids. I wonder if I'm doing the right things by my kids (am I being selfish with LC/NC? Is it fair for my kids to have no extended family? How much contact is reasonable? How much should I share? How can I protect my kids from the covert nature of my Ns? It goes on and on.)<br />
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Wish me luck in the next few weeks. It is so frustrating that all my Ns come hoovering around during important times in my kids' lives. I think I'll make it through, but I am so anxious....jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-16690844460166838192016-01-26T14:36:00.000-07:002016-01-26T14:36:12.865-07:00Mirror, Mirror...I'm InvisibleI wanted to expand on my last post about my feelings that no matter what I do, I can never be a "good daughter" to my mother. After Quartz's comment about how my mother <i>won't let me be a good daughter to her, </i>my brain started to fit some puzzle pieces together in a different way. I have felt that the choice my mother presents me with is either to completely do what she wants (act as she wants, respond as she wants, give her whatever she wants) or to be labeled a "bad daughter". I was describing the situation to my husband as having to relinquish any sense of personal integrity and personal identity OR have a relationship with my mother. I'm not allowed to have both, in her mind. I'm not allowed to be "me" if I want a relationship with her. I've realized that I think it goes a bit further than just not being myself, but that I must be a perfectly black slate, a perfect mirror to reflect back at her. And in order to be the "perfect mirror", my soul, my identity must be perfectly invisible to her. I must become so enmeshed with her that I do not exist at all. <br />
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This idea came to me because of two recent events. Since I've been NC with my N-sister and LC with my NM, my sister have become closer (read: more enmeshed). They've always been the more bonded of the three of us. I always always sort of the "spare wheel" (not even the third wheel. I was the one they used when the other one wasn't meeting their needs). My younger sister was my mother's "baby" (and by result, also expected to be "my baby". I was to care for her just as my mother did.) My sister and mother often "paired off", while I was expected to have my father be my "main" parent. I was mommy's little helper, but not my sister clearly got the most attention (even if it was mostly negatively gained), time, and support. My mother often said she felt sorry for her and as my sister was a very difficult child, she sucked up my mother a lot. And despite them having a very love/hate relationship, I've often felt that they are more closely connected than I was with either of them. (Not that I think that's a bad thing for me. I think the two of them are so similar that that is the reason they more closely bonded.)<br />
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I have put down my foot on playing NM's "pretend" game on FB and I don't participate in the staged selfies with her, I don't allow her to stage selfies with my kids or use them to further her "grandma image" on FB. My sister does. My sister plays participates fully. Lots of selfies together. Lots of "love you!!!!" exchanges. Lots of "momma bear" and "my baby" comments between each other. My mother consistently refers to my sister (who is 36) as "her baby". They project, together, a very solid image of a mother-daughter bond. My mother gushes over her, gushes over her gifts (a very thoughtful gift I gave her for Christmas got ignored until NM could find a way to exploit it for supply on FB. My sister's gift was gushed over immediately), posts tons of pictures of her, talks about how beautiful she is,,,,,, and on and on. NM took one of these FB quiz/app things that displays in graphic form the words she uses the most (the most frequent words showed up largest). Not surprisingly, my sister's name showed up as one of the largest; I couldn't find my name (or even of my kids) at all. <br />
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And while I really don't <i>want</i> to be the object of my NM's FB gushes, it is difficult to see such a visible representation of her adoration for my sister. It does sting, although I'm not particularly jealous. I don't want to participate in my NM's life as my sister does (and I suspect that evey thing isn't as rosey as they make it out to be), but it's painful to see how "close" and "loving" they believe they are together.<br />
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But the thing is, my NSIS allows NM to project off of her without any interference. She never contradicts NM's little staged scripts on FB. She never offers up contrary opinions, criticism, or objections. She never asks to be seen as a separate person. In fact, the two of them are quite fused. The have very similar interests and NM revels in being more like a twin sister than of mother and daughter. NM is WAY over involved in my sister's social life and the enemshement is very obvious to me. NM also uses my sister as a sort of fantasy. I believe that my mother secretly wishes she had my sister's life: wishes she was as daring, outspoken, and brash as my sister. She secretly craves the excitement (drama and chaos) of my sister's life. She lives vicariously through her. And that too always NM to reflect back on herself exactly as she wants. NM can see herself as "strong", "bold", "outgoing", "cute", "beautiful" because she sees in it my sister and, through the enmeshment, claims it as her own. <br />
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I can clearly see that having my own feelings, ideas, and thoughts gets in NM's way of her reflection of herself. If she has to "see" me, than she can't be looking past me into herself. So, when I put up boundaries, ask for consideration, express my individuation, it is offensive to my NM. She finds it as disrespectful as I am not giving her what she wants, a completely unobstructed view to the image she's created.<br />
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Another reason all of this came to light was due to a relatively silly thing. My NM has extreme adoration for my old kindergarten teacher. As my children are now in primary school, this old narrative of how wonderful and great my kindergarten teacher was keeps coming up. And she doesn't just speak about her, she prefaces it with "Wasn't she the BEST teacher Jessie?" "Did you just think she was wonderful Jessie?" It's always important to her that I buy into the narrative. That I express her thoughts as my own. That I echo back exactly what she thinks. I am almost 40, so my memories of my kindergarten teacher are vague. I know she was nice and kind, but beyond that, I do not remember much. I don't remember her as standing out any more than some of my other nice and kind teachers. But for some reason (which she never specifies) NM always claims she was my favorite teacher and that I love her so much. The last time NM visited, she was pontificating about my old teacher again, how she was the best, and didn't I wish my kids could have her too? I finally told her no. That I didn't remember my teacher all that well. That my kids had plenty of nice and kind teachers. That I don't remember the teacher being all that important to me. NM was quite offended. I remember her looking at me as if I had two heads. I hadn't been rude. I hadn't been confrontational, I simply just didn't gush about my teacher as NM wanted me too.<br />
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I realized that if I don't parrot back to my NM everything it completely destroys her fantasy. There is no place for me to have my own feelings, thoughts, or individuation. It's not that I just have to agree with my NM, I have to completely BE her. I have to reflect back the exact image that SHE wants to be seen as. I don't feel as if NM doesn't like me or the person I am, hell she doesn't even <i>know </i>who I am. My biggest sin, according to NM is that I have <i>any personality, any ideas, anything other than being an extension of her reality. </i>I am to be completely invisible. I am to have no needs, no thoughts, no plans, to will that doesn't originate with her. <br />
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I've spent a lot of time in my relationship feeling like I'm invisible. And recently, pondering why I can't be a "good daughter" to my mother, it occurred to me (as Quart pointed out ) that I can never be because she can't see any of that at all because <i>she won't let me.</i> And any attempts be my to break out of her roll for me completely shatters back that mirror reflection and shakes her out of her illusions of reality. <br />
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Even further, the more I attempt to express myself, the more she's attempted to push me back to being invisible. In this last year I've given her two gifts. Not because I had to, not because I expected anything. Just to be kind. NM didn't want to see that, so she completely ignored them (which is unlike her). The first gift, she wouldn't turn around from playing basket ball on my children's hoop to look at. I didn't even think she knew what it was until I realized she'd taken it with her when she left. She never acknowledged it. The next gift, she minimized and ignored until it suited a FB post (in which she still didn't acknowledge me). She doesn't like me speaking up, so she ignores me. She doesn't like me ruining her false-reality, so she doesn't include me (and aggrandizes my sister). She punishes my kids by ignoring them. (I upset her the other day too, as she wanted to buy my kids some new clothes. This is her one of her false realities that I've also ruined. She likes to be the "rich" person who runs in with money to save people and be the hero. I, however, have plenty of money to take care of my children and it offends her. She asked to buy my son some shorts and asked his size. I told indulged her for a bit, commenting on the several choices she sent me with photographs. When she asked if he was still his old size, I said yes, but that he has plenty of shorts, so she should size up. She then asked what he did need. I answered honestly, that he didn't need anything ( in fact, he has more than enough). She responded by saying that she just wouldn't get anything at all than if she couldn't buy him his current size. I ruined her fantasy, so she chose to do nothing at all.)<br />
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I am very saddened by the fact that in order to have a relationship with my mother, I have to be completely invisible: no thoughts, no feelings, no ideas, no personality. I can not be myself at all. My mother does not love me for me at all. I know that this is an "old" idea that I've come to terms with several times in the past, but the weight of it all seems to be finally hitting me with full force. (I'm guessing that my psyche wouldn't allow me to feel all of the feelings towards this at once, as it would have devastated me, and so I keep coming back to it as I'm able to tolerate the pain). She won't let me be a real person at all. And that makes me very disappointed and sad. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-71303802037442320472016-01-17T17:38:00.000-07:002016-01-17T17:38:17.340-07:00The Good GirlHi all. It's been awhile since I've written here. I've been working on healing in a few different ways, and so the blog has been neglected. It's been hard to come up with full posts and and ways to put things so they make sense and so posts have been hard. Most of what I've been working on is small details put that are forming into "big picture" ideas.<br />
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The holidays, while not horrible, were exhausting for me. All in all, my FOO had a really nice time. We were busier than usual. I was happier than usual. I was able to fully be in the moment. But with any holiday, the Ns come buzzing around like flies. They have expectations, demands, and bone to pick. <br />
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At present, I am LC (and pushing for more) with my NM, LC with my in-laws, and NC with my NSIS. The NC has been difficult for me, as I've come to realize I really do not want a relationship with my sister. The few bits I've heard from her and about her, tell me she hasn't changed at all. My MIL was very gravely ill this summer and it has led to a whole lot of changes between DH and I. She allowed a lot of her true nature to shine through, and I believe he's seen things he can't unsee. I've been pushing NM back further and further and it's been very interesting to watch her reaction. She hounded me a ton over Christmas. Lots of texts, lots of pressure to visit soon. Because I didn't do what she wanted, she suddenly became cold, distant, and icy. She started DARVO-ing, implying she was going to stop giving me "more chances" because I'd been "disrespectful". I spent a lot of time thinking about how she views things and how she can possible believe something like that.<br />
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I have finally reached the conclusion that my mother absolutely can not handle any negative emotions from me or my sister. No sadness, no angry, no disappointment. If my sister feels that way, she does something to "fix" her (temperarily bandage the problem). If I feel that way, she completely dismisses me, ignores me, pretends she doesn't hear me or doesn't see the issue, or attacks me for being angry with her.<br />
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Growing up, my mother was quite distant. I remember her spending a lot of time on chores. She worked full time, but when she wasn't, she cooked, cleaned, or really did anything else. She didn't play with me, help me with homework, ask me about school or friends, help me run lines for my school plays. She just never felt very interested in me at all. We didn't have a lot of money (something my mother must have said a lot, as that was always the feeling I got. My mother has a big issue with being poor). But I was clothed and fed. I had nice toys and had good (although not lavish, which is fine) Christmas'. We were well "taken care of". But I don't remember being really maternal at all. She "ticked all the boxes" of what a mother should do (credit for that saying to my friend Kara). <br />
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I do remember her being very withdrawn and cold and depressed. I remember always trying so hard to not upset her further. I remember trying so hard to appease my sister (who was, unlike me, not afraid to act up or express her needs and wants. She was vocal, volatile, and intense). I know my mother asked me often to appease my sister. Just give in so that my sister would behave. I was the ultimate "good girl". I realize I wasn't perfect, but I was always trying very, very hard to not make waves. I was good in school (in fact, if I ever got in trouble, which I think maybe happened twice, I was devastated). It's not that this necessarily came naturally. I tried very, very hard to BE a good girl. I did whatever it took be the good girl. I helped out, I was friendly and kind. I did all my homework and chores. Even into my teens, I was a relatively good kid. Despite a herendous divorce and my family life falling down around me, I still worked, got almost all As, participated in college level courses and extra-curricular activities, and took on a lot of the responsibility for my sister. I had always taken on extra responsibilities involving my sister. From the time I was very young. I was the perfect mother's helper. (You can imagine my hurt and surprise when my mother tells me now about how she'll tell anyone who listens how "hard raising teenage girls are." She'll go on and on about "girls' - she knows enough not to call me out directly.)<br />
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When my parents divorced, my mother pretty much abandoned me for my teen years. The little involvement she did have went down to almost nothing. Despite being exceptionally depressed and upset about the divorce, my mother acted as if I should be "fine". Any extra support went to my sister, who had seemed to explode into a pillar of problems, issues, and chaos. It's not that NM had so many problems with my sister that she couldn't also attend to me. It was that she never, ever considered how I was feeling or what I was going through. If I expressed any dissent, hurt, or God forbid, the slightest degree of anger, she would shut me down immediately. My unhappiness was impeding and dampening HER happiness, so I was not allowed to be unhappy. I distinctly remember her telling me "It is my turn to be happy." I can look back now and see how she felt she'd sacrificed for her family (she had an NM and an alcoholic father and had taken on a lot of family responsibilities herself) and than been so unhappy with my father. But at the time, I was stunned that I wasn't allowed to have ANY feelings because it conflicted with what she wanted to do. I wasn't allowed to talk about it. When I spent three weeks locked in my room, only coming out for school, she ignored me. She never asked how I felt, never talked to me about the divorce. And in fact, she then pushed her "new" family at me and demanded that I fall into line and embrace these strangers (my step father, in particular, who she'd been having an affair with.) The divorce was acrimonious, there was significant traumas, my sister was out of control, I was left alone a LOT to care for my sister on the weekend, yet my mother never once bothered to stop and consider how I feel.<br />
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In my mid-20s, she apparently grew bored with her new family and decided to swoop back in and take back the reigns as "THE mom" in charge of me. It was at this point, she became very enmeshing and co-dependent. She had been quite enmeshing when I was a child (not considering what I liked, who I was, or what I wanted) but as an adult, it took on a whole new level. She wanted to operate my life like she was at the control panel. She expected to push buttons and I would do whatever she wanted. And in a lot of ways, I did just that. As I said, since a young girl, I had always wanted to just make my mother happy. I wanted to fix that unhappiness she seemed to have (which now came because my sister, 10 years later, as still extremely out of control and we never knew if any day she would find some way to kill herself. And my the "shine" of the new family had worn off). So, I tried to make her happy. Tried to do what she wanted and be the "good girl" again. The wounds of the divorce hadn't healed (I had felt so utterly abandoned) but my mom was "back" and I so wanted to make it work.<br />
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But, of course, it didn't. Any attempts to have a real relationship, express any individuality, act like an adult were insults to her. She took great personal offense to me not accepting her "help" (money forced on me so she could strong arm me into doing what she wanted. She now had a rich husband, so money became her favorite tool. It worked on my sister but not me.). If I didn't take what she offered, I was ungrateful. If I did take it, I took advantage of her. If I did take it and didn't do what she wanted, I was spoiled. I just couldn't win. <br />
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And during this time, she tended to take out her own anger about how her life had turned out and project it onto me. She had constant criticisms and was just down right nasty at times. Little insults, little digs. Constantly telling me that I didn't measure up to her expectations. For a little girl who only wanted to please her mom, who had been terrified of losing her family during the divorce, I often acted desperately to please her. I was in my 20s, but I still felt very much like a lost little girl.<br />
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I finally started to gather some courage and stand up to her in my late 20s. Many events had become so difficult with her and I was frustrated and saddened that I couldn't figure out how to "get along" with her. I decided to try talking things out with her. This did NOT go over well. Expressing any sort of feelings to her got regulated to "you're just still upset about the divorce". Being a bit naive at the time and unsophisticated in dealing with Ns, I didn't have a response for this. I didn't realize how she was shifting the point to take the pressure off of her. I WAS still upset about the divorce. I'd never had a chance to heal, my mother had <i>never</i> acknowledged that I even had a right to be upset about the divorce, and because she kept telling me that, my being upset was an affront to her happiness, I had stuffed all of my upset down. I had wanted her to be happy, so I refused to acknowledge how upset and angry I was. <br />
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But that had NOTHING to do what was going on now. My upset with my mother had to do with her controlling, belittling, demanding, and insensitive behavior. It had to do with her insults and continued abuse of me. It had to do with her emotionally raking me over the coals. It had to do with her expectation that I was just as "responsible" for my sister and her out of control behavior as my own mother. Her expectation that I was to fix it. It had to do with my mother using me as her own personal psycho-therapist and dumping all of her problems on me. Yes, the divorce wound was there, but it had nothing to do with what I was trying to resolve with my mother.<br />
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These interactions left me baffled and hurt. I again felt so minimized. I felt that I couldn't quite get to whatever it was I need to get to in my mother to make any difference in our relationship. My feelings, my emotions, my anger with her, my hurt towards he was so <i>offensive </i>to her that she wouldn't allow me to express it at all. If I did, she would become very wounded, hurt, angry, or upset. And watching her feel like that was the ultimate discomfort for me. I didn't want to hurt my mother. <br />
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The pressure kept building though. I remember one night in which she'd been drinking and had become particularly nasty in her criticism and snark. We were driving home and she was yelling at me about how I was "just still upset about the divorce. You're just still upset I married your step father." I can remember fighting that feeling so badly to tell her how I felt. I knew it would NOT end well if I did. I remember her pushing and pushing me to tell her how I felt. Not because she actually wanted to hear it, but because she was testing to me to see if I'd hold back. She wanted me to deny every feeling I had and tell her that I wasn't angry with her, I wasn't upset with her, she was a GREAT mom and I loved her. But I didn't. I finally decided to give her what she'd been pushing me to do and I let her have it. I wasn't mean <i>towards</i> her (I was still respectful, not calling her names or accusing her of anything) but I unleashed how I really felt. And she went beserk. We were in a Home Depot parking lot, me curled in a ball in the back seat, her screaming and clawing at the door to get out. It was locked (automatically locks if the car travels over 15 mph) and she was like a caged animal trying to get out. She was screaming at my husband to take her home. He gently told her he thought we needed to just talk and figure things out. I was sobbing. She screamed so badly and freaked out so much that we took her to her hotel. She got out with out a word. The next day, she stopped by my house to say good bye and return a hair dryer. She said not one word about it, didn't ask to resolve anything, but gave me a hug and figured that solved it all.<br />
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From that moment on, things were never quite the same. As my kids came along, she demanded more and more to be put front and center. And if I didn't, she became angry and hostile. She played the victim. She accused me of being unkind, keeping her from her grand kids, being selfish, and spoiled. She accused me of favoring my in-laws (HAHA! And she knows how much I struggle with them.) She continues to dismiss me at every chance she gets. In the last 4 years of LC, in which I went from talking to her for 2-3 hours every other day (well, listening to her, not really talking) to only talking briefly on holidays and birthdays. I don't tell her anything about my life, and she doesn't ask. I don't make an effort to see her.<br />
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In all this time, she's never once asked me how I'm feeling or if I'm OK. She's never asked to make things better. She's continued to pretend everything is fine. She's never asked me if somethings wrong. When I went NC with my sister, she never asked to hear my feelings on it. She's preached to me about my sister, badgered me to get back into contact, and continued to share any and all details of how "great" my sister is doing (this is a lie). But she's never asked what I need, how I'm doing, or if there is something SHE can help ME with. She has never once, to my recollection really wanted to know what my feelings are. <br />
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The only time she cares is if it's a dramatic situation and she can suck up the NS from it or somehow position herself so she's pitying me. It's only ever been to gain an advantage (like when my grandmother died almost a year ago, she suddenly became very "concerned" about me. Interesting, because when her own mother died, she had no ability to see I might be grieving at all. )<br />
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As I've said no more and more to her, I can see that "good girl" image pop up in my head over and over. This is the one tool she uses on me the most. My willingness to be conscious, my desire to be the good daughter who makes her mother happy, my wish for a happier family. She knows damn well that is my soft spot and uses it to her full advantage. It really is difficult, because, often, I feel I'm compromising my own integrity by NOT doing what she wants. I'm happy to give people what they ask for a lot of the time. I'm happy to compromise and make people feel special and give a lot. But when I discovered that she was using this to her advantage, asking more than she should have, and expecting total compliance, I was dumbfounded. <br />
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I've also realized that this is what sets me up to fail a lot with my NMIL too. I want to be the "good DIL". I want to make the family happy and get along. I want to compromise and make it work. <br />
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Unfortunately, the goal of "good daughter/DIL" (and "good sister" ) is always changing in it's parameters. I can never be good enough or just "good". I have to do every little thing they tell me too. I have to compromise and give up EVERYTHING that I am. I have to relinquish any control over my life, my kids life and do whatever they want, whenever they want. And even then, they will not be happy.<br />
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I have realized often in the past (intellectually) that I need to give up their definition of "good" and just do what I believe a good daughter would do. And while I can understand that, the "doing" of that and fully taking that into my soul, is so much harder. There is still a part of me that just wants her to be happy. A part of me that just wants to figure it all out and get along. I beat myself up routinely (aided by a lot of flying monkeys) for not being able to work out why I can't just be satisfied with doing what I know to be right. In almost any area of my life, other than dealing with Ns, I'm very confident in knowing I've done the right thing. Many people tell me I'm full of integrity and a kind and thoughtful person. I just can't see what the next step is to getting rid of the discomfort of not living up to my mother's (and MIL's) expectations of me. I'm not sure how to handle the criticism, nastiness, passive-aggressiveness, and shaming that comes from them when I don't live up to who they want me to be. I don't know how to get self-esteem in that area. I'm not sure how to deflect the gaslighting when they claim it's all me and I'm just a sorry excuse for a human being. I can know it in my head, but how do I incorporate it into my being. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-55418928388371441532015-09-13T16:53:00.002-06:002015-09-13T16:53:48.896-06:00A Family TripWe recently went to visit the city in which my sister lives. DH and I both LOVE this city and haven't been there for four years. It's been three years since I stopped having a relationship with my sister.<br />
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Ironically, I had encouraged my sister to move to this city. It's a lot closer to our home than the other city she lived in. She was in the same town as my father, but that wasn't healthy for either of them. She was in an abusive relationship, wasn't thriving, and I thought that if she moved to a new town, a town that seemed more in sync with her personality, she could finally break free from her self destruction. I'm sure no one will be surprised to learn that the move didn't fix much. <br />
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We had gone to this town several times over the years. The last time, I took my newborn over to visit her. Yup, that's how our relationship worked. She didn't come to meet her new nephew, but I took him over there. She had offered to come and help me during the birth. But when I suggested that bringing her new (and abusive) boyfriend to meet me at the same time as I was recovering from a C-section and had a newborn was not a good idea, she suddenly chose not to come.<br />
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We had to keep the vacation a secret up until the last minute. I did not want my NM to know that we went. She would have laid on a ton of guilt. She was here the weekend before we left and it was exhausting. Not that there was anything really "bad" that happened, but it was constant ducking and weaving to avoid falling into her traps. <br />
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I was anxious going to the city. It's a big city, but I was worried I would accidentally run into her. I know that seems paranoid, but I just couldn't imagine what I would do if I did happen upon her. DH asked what I would do. Anxiety and fear popped up. I imagined that it would not go well. She would expect me to have a reaction (happy to see her), I imagine, that I knew I wouldn't have. I feared that if I did see her, N-rage would come out and she would yell, curse, maybe even hit me if she saw me in person. She has no self control with her emotions and lashes out and fearing her attacking me in front of my kids was not far fetched. She cares not at all about the feelings and thoughts of my kids.<br />
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During the trip, I would relax when we were some place that I knew she would clearly not be. But I kept scanning the crowd anytime we were in a more public area or in a neighborhood near where she lives. I was afraid of pulling up next to her at a stop light.<br />
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Memories of our last trip over to see her contrasted sharply with this visit. Before I even went the last time, I tried to establish some boundaries. Our family was going for a vacation, not just to visit my sister. We were happy to have her join us, but I didn't want to have things revolved around her. I didn't want to pay for her for everything (she's in her 30s and capable of paying for things herself.) When I tried to explain to my NM that we were going to do things outside of seeing my sister, she became upset, telling me that I needed to make sure my sister's feelings were at the forefront. The fact that DH and I were taking our family, wanting to do some other things (that my sister wouldn't like), that I couldn't afford to pay for my sister to join us on our more "touristy" activities didn't matter to NM. <br />
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When we arrived in town, we headed for the beach. It took my sister over an hour to meet up with us (I had a toddler and a newborn, but we worked on HER schedule) because she was at the courthouse. Her boyfriend had struck her, been arrested by the police, and she was at the courthouse worried that he'd get sent to jail for it. That was her primary concern, not that we had driven 8 hours to meet up with her. <br />
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The next day, we went out for dinner by ourselves, only because it was our anniversary. Normal sisters would have offered to watch the kids so her sister could have a nice dinner. But not my sister. Not that I would have left my kids with her anyway. <br />
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We took the kids to the zoo. My sister showed up in a crop top and daisy dukes. And thin, flimsy flip flops. An hour into the day, she was complaining about her feet hurting. When we went to get the tickets to go in, she just stood back and let my husband pay for her's. She didn't ask, but didn't offer at all. She has this way of projecting entitlement: if she's going to "honor" you with her presence of coming (which I had tried to tell her she didn't have to come), you have to pay for that. She would never spend HER money on something SHE didn't want to do in the first place. She was doing us a "favor". As I was used to taken care of her and NM often made me feel I had to pay for my sister, I did it. At lunch, NSIS complained about the prices of the food. Again, she could afford it (she showed up the day before in $200 boots), but she felt she shouldn't HAVE to pay for something that we wanted to do. Despite the fact that I had told her many, many times that I knew it would be expensive for her and she didn't have to join us, she came anyway. And made us pay for it. Towards the end of the day she became really testy. She gets irritable easily. I again encouraged her to go home, that we were perfectly fine with that. But nope. She stayed. And made us miserable.<br />
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Later that day, we met her for dinner (at a place she chose). By now the novelty of the kids had warn off. The way she seemed so disconnected from them seemed odd. I often got the feeling that she was always annoyed with my husband because he got too much of my attention. She seemed the same way with the kids. Like they were an inconvenience to her getting attention. She started in on a diatribe about herself, her friends, her life. She started ordering whiskey on the rocks with a beer. Every round. And she had a few. And then, not surprisingly, she didn't even move when the bill came. I always felt so badly when my husband had to pick up the check for her. This wasn't the first time, and in fact, whenever we were around her, she just felt my husband should pay (I don't think she really connects that HIS money is my money. It's like she feels she can take advantage of him, that he "has" money and so he "should" pay for her. Thinking about the fact that we were paying a pretty penny to visit the city in the first place was not even on her radar.) She grew bored with "family time" and went out to drink with her boyfriend for the evening. <br />
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Luckily, the next day we went and visited some tourist attractions, which is beneath her, and so we were spared from spending the time with her. She came one more time to say goodbye. <br />
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The contrast between that last trip stood in such opposition to this trip. Despite the anxiety of seeing her, I was much more relaxed. I didn't feel torn between avoiding her rages and keeping her happy, and sacrificing my family's enjoyment and money and respect. I didn't have to worry about her being snippy to my husband. I could work around what my KIDS wanted to do, instead of what she wanted to do. I didn't have to worry about her sharing things that were inappropriate for kids or swearing and cursing (her creepy boyfriend has a weird internet site that has a very vulgar cartoon image of a woman in outline. She had a sticker of this on her vehicle. I couldn't imagine having to explain that to my kids now.....and I wondered at the time how other people parked behind her at stop lights appreciated that image). I didn't have to work around the creepy boyfriend or make small talk with someone who is a complete self absorbed schmuck. I didn't have to explain why she chain smokes to my kids or worry about the example she would set by drinking so much. We could go do "touristy" or just things we wanted to do while in the town without worrying about working around her. I didn't have to worry about what she was going to tell my NM when we left (about how horrible I was, how my husband wasn't nice to her, blah, blah.) I didn't have to worry about NM lecturing me about making sure my sister was OK and her feelings were foremost and her needs were met during the visit. I didn't have to worry about her relegating my husband to "scenery" while she dominated all my attention and the conversation at the table. <br />
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I didn't miss her. I didn't feel sad that I didn't see her. I wasn't upset that I was so close to her and didn't visit. At all. It makes me sad that this is what it's come too, but looking back at the toxicity, the stress, the craziness that used to involve any visit with her, and I don't miss it at all. I just don't see how I could ever go back to a relationship like that. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-42228422813568127372015-07-06T16:32:00.002-06:002015-07-06T16:32:56.597-06:00"She's beautiful, inside and out" (Or, why am I such a misfit)Fellow blogger, Judy, often titles posts "Brain Dump" when needing to get something off her mind. This is going to be a "Heart Dump" post. I just need to get some feelings off my chest so they quit festering. <br />
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While all of this stuff has been going on with MIL, I've seen her family hardly do anything to help her or my FIL out. One BIL went down and actually helped. We tried (twice) to stop by and see her. Her GC, seemingly, had lakes to visit and other activities to do. DH finally organized a trip for all of MIL's kids to come and see her. That was it.<br />
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Yet, they continue to play big, happy family on FB. (I know, I shouldn't look at FB. They are all on "restricted" status, so I can't see if I don't look, but sometimes I get curious. Plus, it keeps me in the loop, so I'm never taken by surprise by their antics. It also helps to keep track of what they are lying about.) They talk about "family" and hanging out together....yet, when BIL and SIL were up at a family vacation home, all I saw were tons of photos of the FRIENDS they took up (probably to show off). One of our mutual friends describes it as BIL's "fan club", which seems about right. <br />
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It was SIL's birthday, and they all made a HUGE deal wishing her happy birthday. Every one of them has an addiction to exclamation points. (Seriously!!!! Everything they say is followed by them!!!!! I don't even think they know how to use periods!!!!!) BIL said "Happy Birthday, Sis!!!" She is not his actual sister. He has NEVER referred to me as his sister. In fact, he didn't even wish me a happy birthday this year. Or the year before that. He and SIL are not particularly close (although SIL and BIL are very dependent on this BIL for "advice". They treat him sort of like a parent and he loves that they "look up" to him and "admire" him. He likes that they maintain the image of himself that he has created.) My other SIL, whom I used to be close too until I found out she sold me out repeatedly, made a big gushy thing about "can't wait to see you!!!!!". I live five minutes from her house. I haven't seen her in months (unless you count her crabby, pouty butt at my son's birthday party. She was hung over and had all kinds of attitude about having to be there.)<br />
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I know it's an act. I know that it's phony. I know that I don't want any part of that bullshit. And I refuse to play into their egos. But it still upsets me.<br />
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My NM and NSIS just got back from a vacation they took together. NM was in Vegas for a conference. She had told me she was having my aunt come down and stay with her a few days. She did not say that she was having my sister come down. NM tells me all of her comings and goings, so to omit this information was intentional. I got to find out on FB, when they started posting tons of gushy photos of the two of them gambling and drinking. They kept saying how "beautiful" the other one was and how much FUN they were having, just the two of them. I had no desire to be there (I took two "girls vacations" with them a decade ago. Either my sister or I were crying the entire time.). And I guess I probably should have appreciated not being put on the spot and asked to go. But there seemed to be an insensitivity to their posting all their photos. NM has repeatedly told me how "close" they are now (in the time that I've been NC with NSIS). NSIS has been making such a big deal about what a "wonderful mom" NM is. Although I don't think they were trying to send me a message by posting them, I can't help but think that they hoped I'd be jealous. Or mad. Or feel badly about it all. That's just how they are (I know this, because I've seen NM do it to other people.) <br />
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I'm sure it's very phony (after the first drunken night and all of the posts, I saw nothing for the next few days until NM changed her profile photo to one of her and my sister. The previous one for the past two months had also been of her and my sister.) I've watched my mother "construct" posts before to make things look better than they are. I wonder if their relationship is always as "happy" as they claim it to be (I'm not sure how it could be. Before I went NC, they both complained about the other one often . I can't imagine that everything has changed in that time. Although they certainly seem to want me to think so. I wonder if they want me to believe it's BECAUSE I'm out of the picture.)<br />
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But it does hurt. It irritates me and rubs me the wrong way. But why?!? Why do I care? Why can't I let all of this go? Why does it matter to me that they are continuing on with their charade (or maybe they all really believe they are "one big happy family....without Jessie". I know partly it makes me doubt myself. Like maybe if I tried just a bit harder, looked the other way when they pulled out their bullshit, let things go, I could handle it. Or that maybe I'm just a fucking misfit and can't manage to fit in. How can they all continue on like this? Do they really think this is what "family" is? Surface crap that doesn't actually extend to real love, compassion, or consideration? The only one of my BILs (my husband's blood siblings) that acknowledges my kids on their birthdays is the one that has to (because his kids are invited to the party). None of them acknowledge my DH on his birthday. My sister has ignored my children since I put up the boundary that I would only speak with her on email and only after we addressed some of my concerns about our relationship. She claims she LOVES them so much, yet does nothing of substance to prove it. NM has never bothered to ask why I feel the way I do regarding my sister, has not asked if something is wrong with me (I mean, if your daughter pulled away from you, wouldn't you ASK if everything was OK). NM actually doesn't ask about me at all. When she does contact me, it's to bitch about my step siblings or talk about herself. I know THAT is the reality of the situation, so why do these phony displays of love bother me so much?<br />
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I'm just so frustrated with myself. I want to move on. I want to not care. I want to let them live their phony bullshit without me. Why can't I?jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-46722642195519829002015-06-29T16:34:00.001-06:002015-06-29T16:34:48.470-06:00Mixed EmotionsI've been having a hard time lately. A weird, funky depression has hit me and I'm struggling to pull myself out of it. Part of this has to do to with some recent developments surrounding my NMIL. Please note this will be a rambling post. Also note that I am not trying to be judgmental or critical of NMIL and her issues, but that I feel the details of what is going on speaks to the larger picture. I have already been told once -by an ACoN- that I am just "taking her inventory" in an attempt to control her. Hearing that pushed me into a bad place after opening up about some very difficult feelings for me. <br />
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MIL is very ill. She has always had stomach issues. Several years ago, she had major surgery to deal with stomach issues. She was told then to get her diet under control. (She was also supposed to modify FIL's diet by cooking more healthfully). A couple of months back, she was stricken with an infection in her abdomen. (I'm going to leave out the details, out of respect.) The infection is due, most likely to poor food choices and not modifying her diet. She had surgery to remove it and spent over a week in the hospital. Three days after being released from the hospital, she was at my son's birthday, indulging on cupcakes and snack foods. Despite wincing in pain, she allowed my kids to climb all over her. Two days later (five after being out of the hospital and major surgery and illness) she remained committed to taking a distant vacation with FIL. I can not imagine that she ate well on this trip (she really has no self control. This is not a judgement, just an observation.) On the return trip, she picked up my niece and nephew to babysit. She had not been out of the hospital for more than two weeks. And sure enough, as could've probably been predicted because she was not taking care of herself, she wound up back in the hospital. Infections again, reactions to medications, and tons of pain. She came out of the hospital for mere days, and was back in the hospital again. They can't figure out why she isn't healing. It is looking quite serious. <br />
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MIL also has food issues. I do not begrudge anyone their coping mechanisms and fully understand vices. I have mine too. But I do not ignore my issues and believe myself "healthy". As with any alcoholic or drug addict or shop alcoholic, she seems to have a compulsion to eat in order to soothe emotions she does not want to feel.<br />
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As is probably obvious, MIL has emotional issues. She only has two: glee and anger. And maybe boredom. She absolutely will not deal with any other emotions. At all. And so she consoles herself with food. I've seen it over and over. And while she is eating, she is completely oblivious to it. She sort of "sneaks" it on herself (by slivering off teeny "extra" helpings. She suddenly has eating two or three extra servings, but sees it only as "a little sliver"). Whenever she is in emotional discomfort she eats. And then she complains (and reacts jealously to my thinness) about her weight. She is forever on a "diet". Not a healthy eating plan, but a diet. To me, the connection seems obvious. If you don't deal with your emotions, repress them constantly, and then "soothe" yourself with junk, it's bound to catch up with you. <br />
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Now, I have lots of sympathy for people who are struggling, who have emotional issues and addiction issues. But when someone won't even ADMIT that they struggle or have issues and claim some sort of superiority over others....well, I have less compassion for that. <br />
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This woman has spent almost two decades scapegoating me and bullying me and pushing "her way of life" on me. She has acted morally superior and put me down and blamed me. She has refused, even for a second to thing that maybe SHE is the problem. She refuses to take a look at herself and has continued to do whatever she wants, despite the consequences. And she expects everyone else to be just like her. She didn't allow her kids to develop any sort of emotional health. She taught them to ignore any and all emotions too. Several of them have rage and stomach issues too. She has refused any attempts to change the dynamics of relationships. And she expects everyone to go along with her unhealthy way of being and any suggestion to the contrary is met with anger or ignoring on her part. <br />
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I'm struggling to feel any compassion for her. I feel AWFUL saying that. But I'm struggling to feel badly for someone who will not help herself. I am struggling to feel compassion for someone who has never felt it for me, and rarely feels it for others. Any compassion for her makes me feel vulnerable and afraid. I'm sorry she is sick. <br />
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But I'm also feeling relief that she is not bothering me at the moment. Before she went into the hospital, she was "winding up" on my husband again and I could feel another N-wave coming at me. I feel badly that my relief is coming from her pain and agony. <br />
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I'm angry that she hasn't taken better care of herself. That she continued to proclaim that stuffing your emotions and not dealing with anything is the "right" way of dealing with things. That putting "the family" above taking care of ourselves as individuals is the "moral high ground". That never saying no (like to my FIL about the trip and my BIL about watching his kids) came above taking care of herself. That this is the "rightous" thing she has always expected out of me (and my husband). That martyr yourself is the right thing to do. She can not say no. Almost all of her relationships are "transactional" (this isn't my term). Meaning, she does things for people and then she draw love back. And if you say "no" to her, it means you don't love her. I'm angry that this sort of unhealthy behavior contributed to her not being well now. And all the while I've been condemned as a "bad" person, "unkind" for daring to ever put my physical (and God forbit, my emotional) well being as a priority. <br />
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I'm terrified of what this means. DH and I FINALLY had started setting boundaries. She was not happy about it, but I was finally feeling relief and some control over my own life. I wasn't feeling helpless anymore. We had separated and have distanced ourselves from his family. I wonder how all of this will effect that progress. I wonder how dynamics will change from here on out. I am afraid that, if something should happen to her, DH will come to resent me. That his family will resent me. That I will (as always )be blamed for being "against" the family (this was the story up until now: if I didn't go along with whatever MIL decided, I was "against" the family). I wonder if something should happen, how much FIL will attach himself to us. Not that I don't like FIL, but he is extremely co-dependent on MIL. <br />
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I'm sad that I feel a tad bit of relief thinking about what might happen if this is it for her.....I don't even like saying that out loud. I feel like an awful person. Who feels positive feelings about something like that? <br />
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Especially in the face of the fact that so many people are so upset. FIL is devastated and overwhelmed. My husband is stressed. His siblings are upset (although, oddly, two of them -one of them the golden child- have not gone to visit her at all. And it's not because he can't go. He lives close enough and has spent the weekends visiting other family members, so it seems odd to me.....) Partially, it's annoying seeing so many people tell her how wonderful she is. And maybe she is to them. But she wasn't to me. (There I go again, being a jerk. Seriously, I have spent a lot of time beating myself up for these feelings.) I struggled to see one of her son's describe her as the "strongest" person he knows. For me, she has always seemed weak: frightened, angry, resentful, bitter, and repressed. It's frustrating that a woman whom I've never seen had a vulnerable moment in her life be described as "strong". <br />
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It also makes me fearful about what happens in the future with my own family. I feel so much healthier being away from my sister. But what happens when something happens to our parents? The thought of having to deal with her (and the odds of that happening are getting better and better) makes me upset and sad.<br />
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And some of this just makes me sad. It didn't have to be like this. Our family didn't have to be like this. Her whole illness sort of seems symbolic to me of the whole "infection" in the family. Constant repression, constant "soothing" with outside things, no emotions allowed and a sickness eating us from the inside out.<br />
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I appreciate any thoughts, but please be gentle with me. It took a lot for me to own up to a lot of these feelings. I've beaten myself up quite a bit in the last few weeks. It has made me doubt so much of my choices and I'm struggling to stand in my truth. I often wonder if I'm just a horrible, callous person. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-71842038727387002852015-04-29T11:09:00.002-06:002015-04-29T11:09:49.797-06:00The Last SupperMany of the stories from this evening I've told before, but not in one post. I was triggered by another blog on adult bullying into remembering this evening and I thought I'd like to get it all out for my records. Please feel free to skip it. (It will also be unedited and most likely misspelled, so please excuse me.)<br />
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This was three years ago, almost to the month. The details may seem like not that big of deal, but the whole experience really wore on me. MIL and FIL had wanted to meet with us and BIL and SIL and our children for dinner. At the time, my oldest child was not quite four and my youngest was an infant. It was a very busy weekend in our town and when we arrived at the restaurant there was a long line. MIL and FIL were at the bar. The restaurant has a buzzer system (they buzz you when a table is read), so BIL, SIL, DH, and I took our children down to a local park to play.<br />
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Over an hour went by and we still had no table. It was getting later (very near my children's bed time) and the kids were getting hungry, tired, and cranky. I had not brought along extra snacks, as I usually do, and I was getting anxious and upset. I felt we should have decided that it was getting too late and just call it a night. Or, at a minimum, when the time ticked away, we maybe should have discussed another alternative (like getting food from the grocery store and having a picnic instead). But everyone said it should just be "a few more minutes".<br />
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Finally we were paged and I was not looking forward to the meal. MIL was in her usual giddy mood, sopping up the glory of being in the middle of her family. As we walked to the table, she kept telling my young son that she had a gift for him but it was in the car (just out in the parking lot). She had told him as we arrived at the restaurant that she had something for him and so he, being three, was quite anxious to get it. I finally asked her why she just didn't go get it for him. My son was following her around asking when he could have it and she kept telling him he'd have to wait. I grew irritated. When I asked her to get it, she replied "it's out in the car". I said "well, you should go get it for him. Right now, you're bribing him to get him to sit by you by withholding it." She snickered - she gets this gleeful look on her face, "tee-hee-hee"ing and smirking. "I know!" she said. "That's not really OK with me. You can not bribe my children." I told her. Not that it did any good. She just ignored me. <br />
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As we sat down, of course, my son wanted to sit next to her and FIL. Usually, I try to keep me and my kids at arm's length from MIL. She has some odd quirks at restaurants and it helps me to feel better if we are out of her reach.<br />
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MIL has some weird issues with food. Clearly, food is a comfort source to her, but it's more than that. Her entire FB feed is filled with recipe after recipe. She's not an overly heavy woman, although definitely overweight, and she is constantly on a diet. She is very jealous that I am not heavy. She can not control herself around food. She will select a small amount for her own plate, but then she will pick little pieces off the main plate. I've seen her devour two extra pieces of pizza this way, cutting sliver after sliver off pieces left in the box until she has finished two more. But she'll claim she only at one and wonder why she gains weight. BIL also does this. MIL also has no problem criticizing my SIL for what she eats and threatening she'll "get fat and BIL doesn't like that." (I about fell of my chair when SIL told me she said this to her.) At a recent meal, MIL ordered a plate of nachos "for the table". However, when it came, she placed it in front of herself. She doled out some to others (she never really offered anyone any) by using her own fingers, which she then would lick off. She pretty much ate the whole plate herself. And then she ordered a "small bowl of soup" for her actual meal. It's amazing to watch how much she deludes herself.<br />
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She is also quite possessive over ALL of the food on the table. She takes inventory over what everyone has and is constantly scoping out what people are eating. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mind sharing bites or allowing people tastes of food. I'm OK with family style dining. (Although, with my ILs, they snarf food down so fast that I often don't get very much to eat. If we eat pizza, I generally get one piece, as I'm a slow eater, before they devour what is left.) When we first started dating, I would try and chat with the family at meals. However, I quickly learned that after they inhaled their food, they would start eyeing my plate and helping themselves. Again, I would go away hungry.<br />
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And MIL seems to get some sort of pleasure out of the specific act of eating someone else's food. It's hard to explain, but it feels like a way of "marking her territory". Like she gets some intimacy out of having my husband, especially, share his food with her. It's not so much about the food, but about the person who's food it is. She also is constantly trying to force him to eat her food off her plate. Again, I stress, it's not about the <i>sharing of the food</i> for her, but about the invasion of his boundaries that she likes. It's weird and frankly grosses me out (MIL has some emotional incest problems. She often seems to see my husband as a companion, someone to admire her, rather than a mother-son relationship. She also used to use DH and BIL as surrogate spouses to get the other siblings "in line" when she couldn't get FIL to help. FIL tends to be a bit of a child himself and doesn't take a leadership role in the family. He likes to be taken care of.) Due to her lack of boundaries in this area, DH and I always try to sit away from MIL. (He sees it too.)<br />
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I don't mind sharing or giving bites, but I don't like food being taken off my plate without asking. I don't like when I haven't even had a chance to try my food before she's demanding some. I don't like when they hog down their food and then demand some of mine before I've had my fill. They act like I'm "odd" for feeling this way. <br />
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On this night, DH and I had agreed to order a small appetizer and a meal for my son immediately upon sitting down so that we could get the kids home for bed. BIL ordered food for his kids, but he, SIL, MIL, and FIL all decided to languish over the menu and decide at some time later. <br />
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When the food arrives, MIL instantly starts bobbing and weaving and almost raising out of her chair to see what we are having. Keep in mind, she has a very large meal on it's way and DH and I are splitting a small appetizer between the two of us. She starts in on my husband "what do you have down there?!?" DH tells her. Then she asks for a taste of his beer (personally, and this is my issue, but I don't like sharing drinks with a bunch of people as the germ factor gets to me.) She starts hassling my husband again, asking him how it tastes. Clearly she wants some. The woman can't wait for her own food (remember, she's a bit of a glutton) and she's trying to poach off our small meal. <br />
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At this point, the kids meals come. They (MIL, because she always orders for my niece and nephew) had ordered pizza (a very large one) for my small niece. My son ordered a burger which came with fries. MIL instantly starts swiping his fries and dipping them in his ketchup (again, the germ factor. This grosses me out. I've also seen her use my son's napkin. To me, this is a huge boundary violation.) MIL starts hollering that my niece needs some fries too. MIL think it's HER job to distribute food and determine who needs what. Niece was not asking for fries, nor did she seem particularly concerned about it. And yes, my son had more than he could eat, but DH and I had planned to share with him. MIL also thinks it's her job to "re-distribute" family resources, determining who should pay for things, and how much. She takes from some and gives to others as SHE sees fit and it really drives me crazy. <br />
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I'm becoming increasingly agitated by all of this. DH grabs a plate, loads it with fries and passes it down to to my niece. MIL is clearly annoyed by this and keeps grabbing fries and swiping them in my son's ketchup. So, DH hands down the ketchup.<br />
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And this is were the lecture starts. MIL starts in, while addressing my son, "It's GOOD to share. WE SHARE IN THIS FAMILY." She goes on and on for about five minutes as I precede to feel shamed and embarrassed. Clearly the lecture is meant for me. DH claims it's not, because she didn't address me directly, but I know it was. We've had similar issues in the past and she bristles at me putting up boundaries. It annoys her that DH limits her invading his meal space. She is loudly proclaiming for the whole table the virtues of sharing. But it's clear that it's being directed towards my end of the table. <br />
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And I am <i>more than willing</i> to share. I am a very generous person. But, as I thought later, <i>this isn't sharing!!</i> Sharing involves on person making a choice about what they would like to give and to give. And one has to feel ownership over something in order to share it. If it is a communal resources that is NOT sharing. And if some TAKES from you without asking, that is not sharing, that is TAKING. If you have no choice in the matter, how can that be sharing? I do not make my children share either. If you force them to do it, than the lesson of it feeling good to share is missed. They don't get the actual point. I encourage it. I talk about it. But I do not force it. I do not force my kids to give me or my husband food off their plate. I always allow them to make the choice. I felt violated by her making the choice for my son AND by going against my parental authority of how I want to teach my children. <br />
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By now, I'm FUMING. I'm embarrassed, feeling shamed, and feeling very violated. I'm also feeling very isolated. I am often an "outsider" labeled as an odd duck with odd ways in the family. It has been pointed out many times before, when I've upheld -what I believe to be- basic manners and conventions, that I'm uptight or rigid (things like asking before borrowing something, returning it in good shape, not putting food off your plate back into a family dish, not wandering around the table inspecting peoples meals when you are a grown up. Seriously, DH's adult brother -granted he has some learning disabilities but is capable of understanding basic conventions - will walk around the table in restaurants examining what everyone has ordered. They have no boundaries when it comes to food and I am the "odd duck" for expecting some.) We finish up our food, throw down money for our share of the bill and attempt to leave.<br />
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At this point, MIL jumps up and declares NOW she's ready to give my son he gift. I take my infant and go to our car, asking them to please hurry as we need to get the baby to bed. They take my son and are gone for quit a bit. When I see them finally coming, my FIL is meandering down to our car, pointing out other vehicles and naming the brand names of cars. They clearly know we are in a hurry, but are dawdling. When they get to the car, the stall some more and start conversations and open the car door to play with the baby. I am FURIOUS but still sit there, saying nothing. I know if I say anything that 1) I'll explode and 2) DH will be angry with me for "causing trouble" and "being difficult".<br />
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We finally leave and I am shaking with anger. To be honest, I've rarely been that angry. I felt violated, shamed, angry, hurt, and disrespected. I can not even speak I'm so angry (and I rarely get like that.) I have had enough of being a doormat to these people. DH asks me what's wrong. I tell him I'm angry. He says "you hate my family!" He becomes increasingly upset with ME. Sure, MIL crossed some lines, he says, but was it that big of a deal? Sure, they dawdled, but they were just trying to spend time with my son (by the way, they have NO respect for our time. It is a huge issue with me that their time is important, while our's is not.)<br />
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We get home and put the kids to bed and I continue to be upset. This was long before I understood shaming, or social collusion, or adult bullying. This is before I learned about boundaries. All I knew was that I was angry and my husband was blaming me for over reacting and ruining the meal. For never being able to get along with my in-laws. The discussion continues in which he points out that I "can't get along with anyone". Anyone includes my NM and my NSIS and his family. He disregards all of the people I DO get along with. He is blaming me for all of the problems in the family and saying that I need to learn "how to deal with it". But I don't know how to deal with it. How to make my feelings of being violated go away. How to not feel completely helpless in the situation.<br />
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I ended up that night in my closet with my father's pistol, ready to commit suicide. I could not figure out any other way out. I seemed to be the root of everyone's problems and I felt if I just "got out of the way" they could all go on and be happy. DH talked me out of it and put me to bed, as I shook and cried. He thought I was being dramatic and threatening suicide for effect. I knew that I was seriously at the end of my rope. <br />
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I sunk into a deep depression and then shortly after stumbled upon narcissism. It all finally made sense and the cloud started to lift. I quit feeling I was the root of all problems. It has been a LONG road. DH still doesn't always understand it, although he's MUCH better. But I no longer feel helpless. I no longer feel I am to blame. I no longer feel suicide is my only option.jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-84627774129710551492015-03-12T14:39:00.000-06:002015-03-12T14:39:16.716-06:00Rage, then Anger, than Annoyance, and then HurtMy NSIS, NM, and I have always been very enmeshed. The relationships have always been very codependent. <br />
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As I described before, I was often the care taker or protector of my sister. We were always together. We went to childcare together and I protected and took care of her there. In social situations, we were always together. Even now, when my father's family had a family reunion, she wanted to go with me (even though we hadn't spoken in over a year) because she needs me to buffer for her. In some situations, she can be very friendly and out going. Not so much in others. We took the same dance classes and lessons (NM always put me into the age level of NSIS, so I was often with kids two years younger.) My friends where NSIS's friends (but generally not the other way around).<br />
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My NM and NSis have a very love/hate relationship. NSis and my father did not get along at all when she was a kid and NSis was very attached to NM. NM always babied her and coddled her. NSis always got to sit by NM on the couch when we watched TV (I was with my father). Nsis always sat by my mother in restaurants. NSis even had to sit behind my mother in the car (not my father because she didn't like him.) NM helped with my sister's homework (as did I. NM did not, generally help me) when she slacked off. NM enabled my sister when consequences were in order.<br />
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NM always expected me to give to my sister (as the "luckier") one and enable her too. When my sister would beat the hell out of me, biting, gouging chunks of my skin out with her nails, punching me, my NM blamed us "both" for fighting (even though NSis never had a scratch and I never hit her back.) I was blamed if my sister didn't do her chores. I was blamed if my sister did something she wasn't supposed to (the final straw of me moving out of NM's house was when she held me accountable for my sister taking off and me not being able to find her. NM, of course, was spending the weekend at her boyfriend's house and put me "in charge". If I'd come home without her, I'd also have been grounded. My sister was rarely held accountable, by NM, of attacking me (other relatives and my father tried to help me, but NM undermined that often.) <br />
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NM has am million excuses for NSis's bad behavior: she's having a hard time, she is unlucky, she just can't catch a break, bad things just "accidentally" happen to her. She just has a horrible boyfriend, no self esteem (something NM asked my to have my DH help my sister get by "supporting" her more.) She gives her tons of money (which she justifies as fair because she buys my kids tons of -unwanted- toys and gifts. Or because she has to spend four times as much on me for "gifts" -my kids and husband count in "my" total- and so it's fair to give my sister more. I could care less about the money, but it speaks volumes to me.) She makes excuses when my sister ignores me or forgets me or acts up (she's just jealous of you Jessie, you have so much and it makes her feel bad about herself, she has a lot going on right now, she has a hard time remembering things like birthdays.) <br />
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Every once and awhile NM would agree that my sister was treating me badly, but aside from a pitying look, she would then change the subject to how much my sister treats HER badly and how horrible it makes her feel. How it's not fair that she has to "deal with NSIS" all on her own. No one struggles as much to help NSis, no one does for NSis, no one knows how painful this all is for her. I have counseled, consoled, and listened to NM's complaints. For many years, I hated my sister for what she was "doing to my mother" (shortly after this, NSis and I compared notes - in the one period I thought we were on the same side -and found out NM blamed ME for all of her stress in life.) Despite all I did for my sister, it never counted.<br />
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My sister is very dependent on my mother. When my parents divorced, she got most of the attention for acting out. She got ALL of the therapy. She relies on my mother to give her money (when she went to visit my dying grandmother, my mother paid for it all). She relies on my mother to help her out. But she also gets very annoyed with her. NM would visit her once a year (which NSis would complain about. NM visited me four to five times a year at the time AND stayed in my home. She would get a hotel - or end up in a hotel after they fought- at NSis's house) and NSis would complain it was too much to have her come more. NSis would call complaining about my mother holding her back, not getting her, not being supportive, not being empathetic (when NSis's beloved dog died, NM couldn't talk to her on the phone about it because it upset NM so much. :P) My sister rarely visited NM in her home.<br />
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Since my estrangement with my sister, NM and NSis have both claimed their relationship has gotten so much better. They don't necessarily imply it's because I'm out of the picture, I think they think they have "worked on their issues" and that NSis is "getting better" (something I've seen no evidence of). I think my putting up boundaries has just driven them closer together (and more codependent). They act very lovey dovey on FB. They are very defensive about each other. While they can complain about each other, if I EVER said anything, I got criticized and put down for it. <br />
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My NM has had little concern over my feelings towards my sister. She portrays me as holding a grudge, being resentful, and "giving up" on my sister. She has never tried to understand my point of view, but rather pushed reconciliation. Last year, she wrote me an email saying that everything was her fault and that I shouldn't hold NSis responsible for the mistakes NM made as a mother (what those mistakes where she didn't say). When I explained that I had issues with the ADULT my sister was, NM dismissed me. She has guilted, shamed, and pushed me to reconcile. She even pulls out "you don't know how hard this is on me". I have never felt understood or listened to about the situation. In fact, she doesn't even ask about me. <br />
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I know that my father told my sister to back off last month and that I had some things I was working through (I wish my father hadn't said this, as NSIS took this as I had "problems" and then launched into trying to be the sympathetic caregiver to me, which came off as patronizing and condescending instead of really caring.) I know NSIS told this to my mother (they have no confidentiality when it comes to me and tell each other everything. NSis betrayed my confidence when I would complain about my mother (I thought we were sharing a common feeling, as NSis would also say the same things about my mother during the conversation.) But NM has made no attempts to reach out and see if I am OK (just vague condolences about my grandmother -and then gossip about my father's family that she managed to obtain through manipulation). I'm sure she'd justify that as "respecting my privacy". But she doesn't respect my privacy at any other time, why now?<br />
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NM has twice in the past month -as tension with my sister has reached a new height- changed her profile photo on FB to one of her and NSIS. Close together with their heads, laughing, prompting lots of "awes" and "you two are so sweet" and "so much love". BARF. <br />
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I do not want to be on NM's profile. I refuse to take the ridiculous selfies she forces on everyone else. She used to use my children, but I put a stop to that too (I don't like their photos public). I'm not jealous of the relationship they have together. In fact, seeing photos of them like that reminds me of what it is like to be around them. Lots of bitter tongues and gossip and complaining and drama mongering. Few real conversations. Lots of me trying my best to be supportive and never feeling like I could be myself. The negativity that is the two of them "behind the scenes" is horrible. <br />
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But it strikes me as VERY insensitive of NM to keep changing the photo to one of her and my sister. It almost implies to me that I am on the outside and they are on the inside. That she has taken sides (which I've always felt). When my sister was in town, fine. But just randomly? And it's not like NM posts tons of pictures of her with other people as her profile photo. It's either NM or it's NM and NSIS. And maybe she's just trying to force me to look at my sister and hoping it'll make me feel guilt/nostalgia/sadness or something. I really could be reading too much into it but I've seen NM do things like this before to elicit reactions out of people. She loves to bait.<br />
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Meanwhile, she's texting me, baiting me to support her in her latest endeavor (sort of "hey, look at me, this is what I'm doing. You should be acknowledging it!!!") I've always been the caretaker while NSis is the star and the pet. And photos like that one just plain piss me off. I go from rage, to anger, to very annoyed, and then finally hurt. <br />
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Maybe it's a good thing, as it reminds me of why I don't want to participate in any of this anymore. (and BTW, I don't look at NM's FB page unless I have to anymore, but her profile photo is hard to ignore.) But it is so painful to be aware of how little NM cares about my feelings in all of this. How my well being is of little concern to her. Now of this shocks me or surprises me. And if I called NM on it, she'd twist it to say she's just "not picking favorites" and "loving both of my daughters". Blech.jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-10685772781277754952015-03-10T14:52:00.000-06:002015-03-14T20:11:39.955-06:00Mind GamesI am continuing to work through dealing with the narcissists and flying monkey's in my life. Since starting therapy, I've had a lot of chances to let go of some of the anxiety and crazy making that I've been dealing with. I've wanted to write but haven't even had a moment to write before something else has popped up. <br />
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Some quick updates: NM has been "maintaining" herself within in the distance I've put between us. It is a very shallow, but cordial relationship at the moment. She has tried to interfere in some aspects of my life, but I've been able to evade her. Generally, NM can function in this state for awhile, but I know her resentment towards me will build. It's no a matter of <i>if</i> she will "punish" me for keeping my distance, it's <i>when. </i>She has been distracted by a major event in her life (a relatively good one for her, although she can make drama around anything) so I've been able to fly under the radar a bit. Plus, I'm getting a bit of a "silent treatment" from her for not engaging enough in her event (fawning, asking questions, making her feel important) but I'm living with that. <br />
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I haven't seen MIL and FIL for two months. (whoo-hoo!) I think MIL is working temporarily and that's why. I'm guessing my N vacation won't last long. I am not looking forward to seeing her, but at least I've had a breather. <br />
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Recently my grandmother passed away. It was a very sad situation and difficult in some ways. But, I was able to process it and mourn for her. It wasn't a close relationship, but I cared for her (she filled some holes in my life from NM). In <i>normal</i> families, this would've been the point of focus.<br />
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Not in mine. Of course, NSIS (and NM) used this opportunity to try and strong arm me back into a relationship with her. In the course of a week and a half, NSIS contacted me 20 separate times. Crying, cojoling, begging for support for her feelings about grandma (they had been estranged for 15 years due to NSIS verbally assaulting her in an email). She guilted me ("at a time like this, we should be talking") and then attempted to shame me for "not trying". One morning, she called or texted EIGHT times in half an hour trying to get me to respond. I ignored them all. <br />
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The whole situation was very upsetting and anxiety provoking for me. I was back having panic attacks and terrified I'd have to see her at the funeral (I didn't, thank God.) I felt very pushed and pressured to "deal" with the situation I am in with my sister.<br />
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<i>(A little background for those who don't remember; skip this if you read my blog regularly: my sister and I had a very enmeshed and codependent relationship. I was put in the position of parenting her often. She was a very temperamental child. She was often violent - this was not just "sibling fighting". I was often afraid of her. She would fly into rages, not just at me. Both my parents struggled with her too. I was put in charge after school every day and all summer holidays long. Her rage at me "controlling" her provoked her to often attack me. I don't remember having many great, loving times with her. In school, child care, and in activities I was to "protect her". Even though she is socially engaging and can make friends, I was often her "protector". To be fair, there were times she offered support or was kind, but it was few and far between. During our teen years, NM divorced my dad and left me in charge of her more frequently. She completely spiraled out of control. She lied, stole (money and boyfriends), and continued to assault me. She was interacting with very scary people and constantly was involved in violent and disturbing situations. It was terrifying. I had hoped as she grew older, things would get better. They didn't. She maintains her own home and has a job, but it is far below what she could achieve (she's always saying she's broke and needs help from my parents.) She bounces from job to job to job because she can't maintain getting along with her boss' (they are always at fault because they are idiots). She is involved in one abusive relationship after another. Her life is more complicated and volatile and dramatic than a soap opera. The list of crazy events and behaviors in her life is unbelievable. She has continued to lie, manipulate, and rage when she doesn't get her way. I tried to support her, tried to help her, often at the expense of myself, my kids, and my husband. She gives very little back. She thinks nothing of calling, drunk and hysterical in the middle of the night. She often ignored important things in my life or minimized them (when my second son was born, she was supposed to come help me so I wouldn't be stuck with just NM. She backed out when I said she couldn't bring her abusive boyfriend -whom I had never met - because I was having a c-section and a new baby and couldn't deal with a house guest (not to mention, she and her last boyfriend had had a significant confrontation at my home the time before and he left her 700 miles from their home). I could go on and on, but bottom line is, I think she is narcissistic and has border line. After her letting people believe she had cancer, but never actually letting me know, she screamed at me for not "supporting her". This led to a break in our relationship. I tried to communicate in an email that things needed to change (my therapist, who I read the email to said I was kind, thoughtful, and couched everything as nicely as I could.) She responded with rage and hostility and passive-aggressiveness. Since then, she has tried to hoover me and to "play pretend" that our relationship just had a little hiccup and that we could go back to the way things were.)</i><br />
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At this point, I'm at a loss as how to proceed with her. DH suggests that, if I really think I can't have a relationship with her that I "declare" full NC. These moments when she comes at me, demanding interaction are very stressful and traumatizing. The therapist also sees NC as the answer. I have been afraid in the past of declaring anything, as I didn't want to provoke her rage and I was struggling enough with my relationships with NM and MIL. I have finally "confessed" everything to my father (he knew nothing of my extreme anxiety, the whole of the situation, and is often in the dark about my sister's true nature. She's very good at hiding lots from him. That was part of my anxiety, the secret keeping I had to do for her.) My NM has suggested that I have "given up on her" and that NM would NEVER give up on a family member. NSIS has been telling people that I'm just being stubborn and resentful and unwilling to "try". I have been accused of not responding to her attempts to "make amends".<br />
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I've been struggling as how to proceed. In reading the emails, my therapist says she can see how I clearly stated what I needed and that my sister just didn't hear me, but instead blamed me and attacked me. The therapist sees no point in rehashing and feels nothing will change with my sister.<br />
I am feeling it is all sort of unresolved, even though factually, I can see that I have tried to resolve it. But I also wonder if I need to clearly state "don't call me, don't text, don't contact me."<br />
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And then some of me keeps feeling a pull to not go full on NC. I've created a very small crack for her to allow her opportunities to get back into my life (through email only, she has not emailed me, only texted and called). I know that I have this little bit of hope in there that she will see the light (she has had fleeting moments of clarity about our mother and our childhood in the past). I'm terrified for her future and what will happen when my parents die (I do NOT want to take her on but I don't know how she can continue on with the life she leads as she enters the second half of her life. She's in her mid-30s now). I have always felt a very maternal feeling towards her and I often feel she is like my child (in fact, she has often felt that she is more important to me than my children and that she has priority or is at least equal priority as they are. Rationally, I know she is a GROWN woman and they are children and as such, I need to care for them over prioritizing caring for her.)<br />
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As I left the office this morning, trying to figure out why I just can't let go, several things dawned on me. The therapist can't seem to comprehend why I don't believe I'm doing the right thing, why I think I'm wrong, why I feel so guilty.<br />
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<i>But I feel like I'm abandoning her (like a child). I see her as helpless and desperately in need of support. She has very few people to support her. I know that NM abandoned us and it was one of the most devastating things for the both of us. I know the pain it causes to be abandoned by a family member and I know she is in pain because I have "chosen to abandon" her. I feel I am no better than NM; that when the "going got tough" I walked away. </i><br />
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<i>Something in my head says that I'm a bad person, a bad sister. That I must be weak if I can't be strong for her. That she is suffering and I should be able to sacrifice some of my own comfort (of which, many believe, I have lots: a nice home, a comfortable life, good kids, a nice husband) to help out my poor sister who just has been dealt a bad hand in life. I must be a weak, pathetic person if I can't help her through her struggles. OR, I'm mean. Or selfish. Only someone who is selfish would "give up" on her family member. We are supposed to be there for each other. If you can't count on your family, who can you count on. She needs me and I have ABANDONED her. I'm selfish, uncaring, heartless person who just is too weak emotional (i.e. neurotic) to deal with all of this.</i><br />
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I know these are irrational thoughts. When I look at it objectively, none of this makes sense to me. OF COURSE I am not abandoning her. She is a grown woman and I'm only expecting her to act like one. I am expecting her to take some responsibility for her life, her choices, and her emotions. I am expecting her to grow up and learn how to handle herself. I am not leaving her pathetic and helpless on the side of the road. She is not helpless. She is not a victim (no matter how hard NM tries to convince me she is. No matter how much NSIS believes she is a victim.)<br />
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NSIS's issues with abandonment are not my problem. I can not resolve them for her. I can not love her enough to make that go away (Lord knows, I have tried). How she chooses to receive my behavior towards her is not my responsibility. I can not change that. <br />
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I am not weak for refusing to continue to be a part of this dysfunction. I am not a weak person. They do not get to determine my worth and my value. They do not get to judge me as selfish. It is not selfish to refuse to live in toxicity and abuse. I am not being selfish. I am not giving up. I'm making new choices for me.<br />
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I can sit with the reality. I can think through it all in my head. My heart is a much different problem. I can not switch off these old loops of tapes. The tape that says "if you really loved them, you'd suffer for them. If you really loved them, you'd do what you could to help, even if it cost you a bit. If you really loved them, you'd toughen up so that you could support them without it getting to you so much."<br />
<br />
I'm really not sure how to work this all out. The therapist suggests early trauma recovery work. I'm not so sure if that's the only way. I'm not sure how to convince myself that I'm not a bad person who is just being resentful and refusing to try. I'm exhausted from puzzling through this. I'd really just like to move forward but I feel like I'm stuck in a bog.jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-52012092433309771562014-12-16T21:37:00.000-07:002014-12-16T21:37:26.607-07:00Narcissistic Ping Pong (Or: Why it's a Bitch to set Boundaries with an N)A little background first. NM has been privy to many times that I have been upset by MIL. I have confided in her many times and she has seen, first hand, some of the crazy behaviors MIL has had towards me. In the beginning, when I actually thought she had my back, I would tell her a lot of stuff. I've learned to temper what I say (where it was later used as "evidence" of why I was wrong in arguments. Clearly, I couldn't get along with "anyone", neither NM, MIL, or NSIS, so it must be ME, she would imply. In a discussion with NM about an issue I was having with NM, my confidence was turned into "proof" that was wrong.) If NM didn't throw it in my face, I know NM felt a secret "alliance" with MIL. I know my difficulties with my MIL helped <i>her</i> to believe it was all my fault too. <br />
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Rarely did my NM express any real empathy or sympathy. She'd offer a few stories about how <i>she</i> was treated as a DIL, and then run off on a tangent with that. And I never felt like I had her support. She gives MIL just as much credibility as me in the issue. Meaning: to NM, it's like just as much me as it is my MIL. I get no benefit of the doubt as her daughter.<br />
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Several times, she's become indignant at MIL's behavior towards me. I've heard "I can't believe how these people treat you. It really pisses me off." And I really do believe she is fully angry and sees the treatment for what it is. Not to support me, but because she loves to take the victim side that someone would treat HER daughter that way. She and my MIL have had a few minor scuffles. NM has been annoyed (by her own admission) by MIL's behavior at times and sees MIL as trying to one up her. She often expresses jealousy over the fact that we (and the grandkids) "see MIL more often." followed up with "you'd think they'd be closer."<br />
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When I've explained clear hazards with MIL babysitting, NM agrees that it's an issue, but than always suggests that MIL should babysit too. I think this is more about her being angry that I don't allow EITHER of them alone with the kids and so she thinks she and MIL are on the same "team" to get freer access to the kids. <br />
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Several times, NM has flat agreed with MIL. Several times, she completely invalidates me by saying "Well, she's always been nice to me." "(DH's parents) are so nice." (Step mom does this too me too.) Last summer, she spent time after OS's baseball game chatting with my ILs in the parking lot (about 20 minutes) instead of spending her last bit of time with her grandkids (whom she says she doesn't get enough time with.) When we called to see if they were OK because they hadn't arrived yet, she said "WHAT? Can't we bond with your ILs?" <br />
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Which, I suppose, if they actually liked each other would be fine. But they don't. They dance around each other like animals over territory, very careful to always be cordially distant. But, like I said, they've had confrontations. MIL has clearly pissed off my NM on occasion. But they don't talk often, aren't friends, and don't see each other. They occasionally bond about "their generation". And this summer MIL invited NM up to hang out at their vacation property. Blech.<br />
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<br />
So, fast forward. I have spent SIX years trying to get NM to tone down gifts: less money (it's obscene), less quantity (it's obscene), and when all else failed, just the SIZE. (Gifts are often 2X3 ft. square -or more- and don't fold up. These are not easy to store. And my kids actually do use all of their toys (part of being a stay at home mom) and so it's hard to just give them away if they are still using them. Anyway, it's my house, and if I don't want huge toys, so be it. (And I'd even be willing to compromise, an occasional big gift if it was really cool and would be special to the kids. But not 3 times a year: their birthday, their brother's birthday, and Christmas. And a special extra trip for toys every time they visit. ) I have TRIED and tried and tried to curtail this shit. Talking, boundaries, making it "clear". But it's always circumvented: they've told the kids they have a "surprise", so it's hard to refuse or some other method. When I <i>would</i> find a stop to it, they'd find a new route. And it's "they". Step dad teams up with NM on this one. Grandparents are "meant" to spoil the kids. It's their "right". And, in some ways, they do spoil the kids in good ways: really cool experiences with Grand dad and some neat things. But it is so <i>excessive.</i><br />
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Two months ago, NM and I were talking about a similar situation in which a parent refused a grandparent's gift that was too large after being told it was not OK. She thought this was awful and said "You tell me all of the time that I can't buy large gifts, but I do it anyway. I mean, if I find something cool." So, she clearly has <i style="font-weight: bold;">heard</i> my boundary, she clearly <i style="font-weight: bold;">understands</i> my boundary, and she clearly is <i style="font-weight: bold;">choosing to ignore this boundary. </i>And she is choosing to justify it was an argument that sounds awfully a lot like something I said above: that I would allow it if it was "once and awhile". But it's not. It's all of the time. Every time, three times a year. She conveniently neglects this point. <br />
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I take this opportunity to tell her to please, please, please, please, please to not get a large gift for my son's this Christmas. <br />
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She sends me an email to "please do no be mad at the size of YS's gift." Followed by a large (expensive, I found out today) gift. Sigh.<br />
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I decided that I had laid down the boundary, she ignored it, and now it was time to be clear about the consequences of doing this again.<br />
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The therapist suggested this is "pushing back" but I felt that was too aggressive a descriptive for what I was doing. I felt this was merely standing my ground. How do you all feel?<br />
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When she emailed asking if the package had arrived, I replied something to the effect of "It did, at least the larger of the two. I sure hope it is the larger of the two, as it is very big. I'll have to ask you to stop sending big gifts or I will start sending them back." I had DH proof read it for "emotional loadedness". Which I'm sure she'd see anyway, but he said it was fine.<br />
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Several days later, I got a very pathetic, guilt laden, hurt-that-I-called-her-out email in return. Hurt that I had refused her "gift". She offered up the receipt and to just let her know and she'd "work on this at the birthdays."<br />
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Then radio silence. Then an email about how she needs to get started on a family reunion she's planning this summer at her house for her side of the family. A family that has tried to politely tell her they are not interested. A reunion with my sister in attendance. Despite REPEATED rebuffs of getting together with my sister, despite a two year estrangement, she thinks my sister and will show up and stay together at my mother's house. She's wanting me to commit to dates I have open. She hasn't really spoken to any one else yet for concrete days (I'm sure she'd say, "well, I wanted to give you first consideration" but she's really trying to shore me up and make me commit. Give her something to hold me to.) I IGNORED this email. It felt like an obvious trap. I could see no road from a response on my part that would end well for me. <br />
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In between this, she puts on my sister's FB page "love you babes!!" which is so 'un'-her (it's the FB her, the manufactured mom). I get nothing (fine). I have been avoiding liking her page, but I just can't "like" bullshit and lies. <br />
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Radio silence. She texts and asks if I got my grandfather's Christmas card. He's getting old and can't write as well, you know. So he wasn't sure you got it. I don't know why I need to tell my NM every year that I get my grandfather's card so that she can tell him (I always send a thank you card. Not right away but always...oh, he sends a little bit of money for the kids and is anxious to know it arrived.) But, whatever. Sometimes replying to this "bullshit" stuff gets me off the hook with bigger stuff and she moves on after I ignore her. So, I reply that I got it, sent her Christmas gifts out and hope she had a nice weekend.<br />
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She replies earlier today that she got the package (and then something to tell DH). I didn't reply. Wasn't really feeling in the mood to play "text ping pong" and figured her text didn't need a reply (sometimes if you reply, you get caught up in a huge thread and she won't let the texting stop.)<br />
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Tonight, she texted me and asked for my in-laws address. No reason why. Just wanting their address.<br />
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At the same time, she texted my husband a thank you for a gift he'd sent my step dad (not HER and my step dad, just step dad. Not sure why she was thanking him.) No question about HIS parent's address. <br />
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She has my in-laws address too. They have exchanged "sympathy" cards when their parents died. (Side note, MIL sent a sympathy card to my mother when her mother died, but nothing to me, as it was my grandmother. But, whatever. In fact, I don't remember them expressing sympathy at all.) Other than that, they have NEVER exchanged cards. NM and MIL rarely exchange Christmas cards with anyone. <br />
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I can't help but feel she is choosing to send my MIL a Christmas card to hurt my feelings. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm reading too much into the situation. It's quite possible. It's time's like this I wonder if I'm crazy, finding conspiracy where there is none.<br />
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It is quite possible she was moved by DH being kind to my step father (which he really was) and thought "I want to send MIL and FIL a card." And, by her own admission, NM is always sad how few people are on her Christmas card list (actually, she bitches about it, but whatever. She's sad.) I get it.<br />
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But, what I don't get, is how it doesn't even OCCUR to her that, by befriending a woman who has caused her daughter SO MUCH PAIN, it feels like betrayal. I'm not asking her to be mean, or rude, or unkind to this woman. It makes it easier that they get along. I wish she could support me more in my struggle with MIL (do you KNOW how much that would help to at least feel I had my mom on my side?). But it is what it is. I'm not asking them to fight. (And for the record, MIL and my SIL's mother can't stand each other.)<br />
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But it <i>hurts like hell</i> that my mom would befriend someone who hurts me so much. That it hasn't occurred to her that she has totally invalidated me. I know, to her, it's just a Christmas card. But to me, it feels like betrayal. But maybe I'm crazy. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-11008228091122518282014-12-14T15:16:00.000-07:002014-12-14T15:16:31.022-07:00Buzzing AroundI've been wanting to write more posts about NM and my last visit (and I will) but I've been very busy as of late. DH and I got very sick for three weeks or so and then we've had just one thing after the other to contend with. <br />
As it is, I've been continuing to receive craziness from NM, and even though I shouldn't be, I'm always surprised by the in roads she chooses to "get" at me. But, that's another post.<br />
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I haven't seen my MIL since she called my husband and offered up her <a href="http://releasingjessie.blogspot.com/2014_10_01_archive.html">faux apology</a>. I knew at the time that she wasn't sincere and I really had no hope of things changing. But, since it was such a <i>completely different tactic</i> from her, the whole situation set off my anxiety. I was stressed about how this all would play out.<br />
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I was guessing that MIL's tactic was that, when she called, DH would say "Oh, no, you're a great mom." and that he'd get the hint that HE actually needed to change his behavior. I believe her subtle message was "(DH), by not doing what I want, you've made ME feel badly. Please fix this. Or else." She stated in her conversation with DH that her main objective was MORE time with us and I saw very little of her actually wanting to change our relationship.<br />
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To DH's credit, he told her that we needed to work on boundaries, to back off of me, and to give us some space. <br />
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About two weeks later, FIL was calling to meet up with us. So much for space. I could tell DH was wanting to comply. He said he was still going to speak with his mother, but he wanted to get my input before he talked to her (thumbs up for the fact he is consulting me, thumbs down for the fact that he still hasn't actually talked to her about the issues. However, I don't feel like these things need to be on a timeline, and so he still can talk to about it all.) I was very sick, so I didn't have to go. DH met them at my BIL's house. I was very anxious, wondering what she was going to say to DH and how she would latch onto my kids. I rationalized, though, that the kids would be seeing their cousins (whom they really wanted to see) and MIL would be allowed little inroads to them. <br />
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When DH came home, he seemed quiet. He said that things had been fine. MIL had not hoovered over my older son (as usually) but had played a lot with my younger son (whom she usually ignores). This made me anxious. Other than that, DH said that MIL was very quiet and stayed to herself a lot. FIL only referenced me when he asked DH on the phone "who all is coming over?" They didn't ask how I was feeling or what I was sick with, as they normally would. <br />
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In the next few days, I noticed DH having (sudden) irritability. It took us several tense discussions and an argument for me to finally notice that EVERY TIME he goes around his parents, he comes back sullen and argumentative. This is another post, but I do think it was good for both of us to finally see that connection. That things between us are fine, then he goes and sees his parents, and suddenly he has "issues" with me. <br />
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This visit with his parents also started the nagging from MIL about gift ideas. We really did try to get her something as quickly as possible (I like to be considerate) but since we are giving ideas out to 5 or six different people, it can be complicated to organize. I know she sent several texts reminding DH to get her the list (she'd had her own ideas, but DH told her to hold off.) Several days after the gift ideas were sent, she texted that she had gotten YS something different. This royally pissed me off. I know it shouldn't, but these games around gift giving get tiresome. DH said he understood my feelings and that he was going to tell her. But he didn't, until finally one day (when I was at my wit's end about all of this) I called him on it. He ended up texting her. She feigned to not understand why it was a big deal, but ended up just buying extra gifts (and the one we had suggested) for the kids.<br />
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So, all of this has happened in the three weeks since she offered to change, and DH told her to give us some space. During this time, MIL also made contact with me on three separate occasions. She has been reduced to "restricted" status on my FB page, which means she can only see what I make public, which is nothing aside from my cover/profile photos. I changed my photos twice and within an hour, MIL had "liked" them. These are the ONLY access she has to me and I felt crowded that she would immediately like them. Especially since DH specifically told her to not offer lame flattery (not that "likes" are always flattery, but in her case, it seems to be pathetic attempts to appear interested). She also sent to my email address (not DH's) an electronic Thanksgiving card. FOUR DAYS LATE (it arrived Monday morning). A couple of things about these cards: I dislike them wholly. You have to spend minutes watching the LAMEST graphics in order to get the message. She has never sent me (or DH) a Thanksgiving card before. We received no phone call on Thanksgiving or text from them and had no contact with them at all (which is also odd). She picks out real paper cards for my kids and DH, but I always get these e-cards on my birthday. Last Mother's Day, she acknowledged me with one of these cards, but it was also several days late. (It's an E-CARD. How can it be late?!) The message was generic and not addressed to anyone in particular. <br />
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This was the FOURTH contact we'd had from her (not including the little texts) in five weeks time. I was feeling so pressed in on and claustrophobic. With my niece and nephews birthdays coming up, I was feeling down right panicky. Having not actually <i>seen</i> MIL since the beginning of September, I was not happy about having to see her and I feared confrontation. Or that she would come up and insist on apologizing and "making things right". I didn't want to be forced, in front of people, to accept her apology. I didn't want to talk about it at all. I mean, frankly, she's never even mentioned to ME that she felt she was feeling badly about her behavior. She's only said things to DH. And then she ignored every thing he asked of her. <br />
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The ILs called the day before the party to NOW insist that they wanted to make a plan to arrange ANOTHER visit to drop off gifts, as the gifts they ordered hadn't arrived yet and couldn't exchange them at the party. (I think this is a ploy by MIL too to arrange a separate "gift opening" get together, as we always have to do, every year.) I know was positively hyperventilating at feeling so penned in. DH said they had planned next weekend. He did approach me before he called them back and I told him about feeling so claustrophobic and that I needed some space. That his parents were completely ignoring our boundaries and forcing an increase in contact. DH arranged for after Christmas to exchange gifts, although we've made no plans yet except for a date. I figure, when that time comes, I'll decide if I want to even go. But I didn't like all the pressure of committing to <i>another</i> visit, when I was so stressed about the party and visit the next day.<br />
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I was shaking when I walked into the place, but had a plan to make myself busy with the kids during the activities. My youngest is still small enough to need me around. They showed up late (as usually. I heard my BIL on the phone giving them instructions on where to go. They had gone to a different venue. Not coincidentally, this is the same reason they gave for showing up late to my son's party: they didn't know where it was. But they'd been to my son's venue twice before. It all sounded like bullshit excuses to me. ). I think it's horrible that they are always late, but it worked out for me and bought me time to get across the large gym and hide out. I could feel MIL's eyes watching me when she came in. As the adults left the entry way and ventured out to the kids, I could see her inching closer and closer, maneuvering. I finally had to move out of her line of sight, as it was making me uncomfortable, and frankly, irritated to see her face (her facial expression, a combination of glee, and squinting, and nose up in the air, drives me crazy). Thankfully, at that moment, my youngest son peed his pants. Not bad enough to have to leave, but bad enough I had to run home and get him clothes (I've never been so thankful for an accident.) I bolted and was so thankful to have 30 minutes of time taken up. When I arrived back at the party, it was almost over. MIL was busy "helping" (taking over for my) SIL with the cupcakes and things (SIL doesn't seem to mind, as she seems to have her head up her ass most of the time. She spent a lot of the party with some random baby strapped on her chest instead of interacting with her own kids at the party). I made sure to hang back a bit, near my youngest, waiting for him to finish up so I could change him. <br />
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And then she made a beeline for me. I saw her coming from across the room, in a straight, determined line for me. Sigh. I was hoping we could exchange some random pleasantries and be done with it. Nope. She was going to hunt me down. And this is a woman who stalks me around rooms. I have literally moved chairs to get away from her at times, and she follows me. She has NO respect for my personal space, listens in on my conversations with others and butts in, and I always feel so trapped around her.<br />
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I ignore her as she walks up and stands next to me. "So, are you ready?" she asks. I know exactly what she's referring to, as we have the SAME conversation and my niece and nephew parties every year. This time I pause. I had decided on "medium chill" with her. I would answer kindly and politely and with as little response as possible. I was not interested in engaging in conversation iwth her and I was going to refuse to participate in her charade. <br />
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Luckily, I've gotten enough control over my anxiety that I could pause and take a deep breathe, "Ready for what?"<br />
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This through her and I saw her bristle and be taken aback. "Well, uh, uh, for Christmas. Are you all done?" <br />
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I continued to look out at the party and not turn towards her, "Pretty much." <br />
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She continues, starting in on her "interrogation" style of conversation, where she fires one question after another at you, not really listening to the responses. "I mean, do you have your tree up?"<br />
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"Yup".<br />
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"Well, what about the shopping? Are you done? " She presses on.<br />
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"Mostly."<br />
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The old lady is persistent. "Well, but like do you have them all wrapped under the tree?"<br />
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I mean, seriously, does she not take hints? Or maybe stop drilling me and just engage in some easy conversation, lady? I hate feeling attacked. But I notice DH has come closer and is watching (he was giving explicit instructions to keep an eye on me this time and rescue me if necessary.)<br />
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"I've done some." I reply. She continues "Well, I asked (OS) if he was excited and he said 'yes, there are 11 more day!'". And then she cackles. I smile and nod. And then I decide to excuse myself and take YS to the bathroom. I don't say goodbye, or even look at her, but just take off. Maybe rude, but I was finished being interrogated.<br />
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When I came back, she was busy taking over and "helping" with the gift unwrapping. It amazes me that BIL just wanders around while MIL does all of the work with this stuff, but I suppose that shows you how everything is "supposed" to work in this family. I'm able to skirt around her and talk to another friend. I go up to my niece and nephew and say good bye and happy birthday. Neither child acknowledges me or even looks at me. (I love my niece and nephew, but manners are not their strong suit). I gather the kids to go (DH and FIL had gone outside to give them our gifts for Christmas). OS gets ahead of me, and when I go out I find MIL about to buy him sweets from a vending machine. She knows she's been "caught" and suddenly starts blubbering asking if it's OK with me. (She was going to give the sweets to OS and my nephew. I don't know what she expected to give my YS - the ignored child - but I'm guessing nothing. She KNEW we were leaving and she also knew my kids had just had a ton of sweets at the party.) I told her no, it was not OK as we were leaving for dinner. She got flustered (I secretly enjoyed this, although I shouldn't have) and flung the money at OS, saying he could keep the dollar. She then realized that my YS would need a dollar and frantically searched for him, with my nephew bugging her for one too. I left her rummaging in her purse, after having the boys say thank you and a quick good bye and left. She hollered "have a good Christmas" and I said "you too" and made a dash for the door.<br />
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Outside, I expected her to come out to further talk, as FIL was still out saying goodbye. Luckily, I was spared. I tried to make sure to be kind and open and pleasant to FIL. I do like him, despite his codependency and enmeshment and avoidance of confrontation. And I think he likes me too. Even though MIL clearly has issues with me, and he is paying the consequences now, he was very kind to me, making sure to say goodbye. I think he wanted to give me a hug goodbye, but I busied myself with the car seats, because I was sort of feeling uncomfortable. He couldn't squish down between the cars and said a hearty and kind goodbye before walking back to DH. I think it speaks volumes that he has tried to maintain kindness and goodwill. <br />
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<br />
So, I feel SO relieved today. I'm free of the old bat for two whole weeks! (Now, if NM would just leave me the fuck alone, I could have a nice little holiday.) But I do have pangs for the future. I feel more confident, free, and hopeful than I have in a long time. I don't feel like I'm bound to put up with her behavior forever. I told DH what had happened and warned him that this is how I will be dealing with her for the foreseeable future: pleasant but detached. I will walk away and leave if she presses too hard. I'm ready to take care of myself and if she feels I'm being rude/unkind/pissed at her, so be it. I don't care. I'm still feeling very anxious, but I don't feel helpless anymore. Progress, right?<br />
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So, questions: Any suggestions on how to deal with her interrogative questions? Any suggestions on the situation as a whole?jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-21266938862240055782014-11-15T16:02:00.000-07:002014-11-15T16:02:03.289-07:00The Invisible ArtistSeveral weeks ago, my family and I visited my mother's home. I know, I know. But it was a necessary thing. And since it'd been almost three years since I'd visited her home, I figured it would knock of some of my parental obligation. <br />
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I plan to write some posts about some of the situations that popped up while there. I had hoped, by now, that I would no longer be writing such personal posts. That I might have "graduated" into more scholarly and educational posts (haha, that's a joke). But seriously, I still don't feel I have an overarching understanding of narcissism that would be necessary for me to feel legitimate in writing articles on narcissism. So, I'm going to stick to this personal stuff. It not only helps me, but I think seeing actual examples may help others. And because I DO have a much better understanding of the dynamics of what is going on, that may be useful. I do regret that I am exposing some of my mother's personal stuff, but I guess it is what it is. I really disliked in the last post transcribing the texts, but unless you really see the wording, it's hard to describe what is going on.<br />
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One morning, my son asked me to draw him a picture of an event that we'd participated in. He likes me to draw pictures and then he colors them and adds his own touches. Many times, I encourage him to draw his own things, but I find it fun for us to do these little projects together too. <br />
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He was quite happy with the result and brought it to NM to show her. She said, rather blankly, "Huh. I didn't know your mom could draw. Who knew she was such an artist?"<br />
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Seems pretty harmless right? And in NM's defense, artistic en devours were not my primary hobby growing up. I spent a lot of time involved in theater. I liked to act, dance, and especially sing. I often had the leads in school musicals or solos. I participated in academic teams. I wrote. A lot. I was always writing. <br />
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Plus, my sister was the "artist" of the family. She was the one who made the great art, drew well, and even went to art school for college.<br />
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But for NM to say she <i>didn't know I could draw</i> is complete bullshit. When she first said this, I felt a little ping. Sort of like being flicked in the brain. "Ping: that doesn't sound right." <br />
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It niggled at me and later, as I thought about it, I realized it was completely impossible that my mother didn't know I could draw. I spent many, many hours in my room drawing cartoon figures which I would design outfits for. I loved doing that. I spent tons of time drawing other things too. I still have many of my drawings. <br />
<br />
And as I thought further, I remembered that I also used to win the contest to draw the artwork for the programs for all of those theater productions I was in. Every person in the audience, as well as my mother, received copies of those programs. So, while it's highly likely she had no clue about my drawing alone in my room (she tended to leave me be in there), I KNOW she'd had an opportunity to see those programs.<br />
<br />
And then it dawned on me fully: my mother has a FRAMED portrait picture that I drew of my sister and I above her dresser in her bedroom. HOW in the world could she not know I draw when she stares at a picture of my art every. single. day. <br />
<br />
I really could care less if my mother knows I draw or not. It's not about that. But it just stuns me at times how little she knows about me. How little sinks into her understanding of me. I am nothing but a bunch of labels. Like a magazine collage of pictures she's cut out. She does not see me. Like, at all. I am allowed a certain set of descriptors, as is my sister, assigned to me by NM. We are not allowed to share any descriptors, unless she sees fit. And anything that doesn't fit into her box, she doesn't see.<br />
<br />
I spent a lot of time with NM listening to her blab on and on. It was enough negativity and drivel (much of which she repeated seeming to hope for a different effect or response) to make me want to rip my ears out. After the five day visit, I was recounting to DH all of the shit she had unloaded on me when I realized she'd only asked me ONE question about me. And even that had felt obligatory and rehearsed. I do not exist to her as a person and I often feel I am merely a place for her to talk "out loud to herself". She then feels like she is engaging in conversation, but it is truly like she's talking to her reflection in the mirror, not me. Even when I tried to discuss a similar situation I have with my SIL as to one she described with her stepDILs, she dismissed me, minimizing what I was saying, and clearly showed she remembered none of the history between SIL and I. All she said is that she found my conclusions about SIL to be wrong, and that clearly our relationship issues paled compared to the stepDILs and certainly she "feels (we) could be friends if (we) worked at it." <br />
<br />
Since I've been home, she's used the "drip" form of communication, sending one or two pictures from the trip each day by email, to maintain that "contact" with me. Despite her knowing that several larger things have gone on in my life (she knows I lost my childcare, she knows that we had a minor emergency with my son - nothing big, no worries, he's fine) she hasn't called or asked anything about them. Not one thing, despite daily communication from her. I'm guessing this is part "punishment" (for not answering her texts) and part her devotion to all things herself. <br />
<br />
Feeling invisible to my mother is nothing new, and so the experiences didn't pain me nearly as much as they would have in the past. Nothing I can do will make her take notice of me, and that's just the way it is. But seeing it, without the pallor of all of the emotional pain, helped me to see just how clearly invisible I am to her. It remains stunning, even without the pain. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My husband, when this song came out, said that it reminded him of how I always described my relationship with my mother and sister. The emphasis on the wording is mine:<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Invisible</span></b> (U2)<br />
<br />
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
It's like the room just<i> cleared of smoke</i></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I didn't even want the <b><i>heart you broke</i></b></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />It's <span style="font-size: large;"><b>yours</b></span> to keep<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><b><span style="font-size: large;">You just might need one</span></b></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
I finally found <b>my real name</b><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><i>I won't be me when you see me again</i></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<i><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /></i><b><span style="font-size: large;">No, I won't be my father's son</span></b></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<i>I'm more than you know<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I'm more than you see here<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />More than you let me be<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I'm more than you know<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />A body in a soul</i></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<i><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /></i>You don't <b><span style="font-size: large;">see </span>me</b> but you will<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I am<span style="font-size: large;"> not invisible</span></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
I don't dream, not as such<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I don't even think about you that much<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><i>Unless</i> I start to think at all</div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
All those<b> frozen</b> days<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />And your <b>frozen</b> ways<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />They melt away your face like snow</div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<i></i><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You don't<b> <span style="font-size: large;">see me</span></b> but you will<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><b><span style="font-size: large;">I am not invisible</span></b></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I am here</span></b></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">There is no them<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There is no them<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There's only us<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There's only us<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There is no them<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There is no them<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There's only us<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There's only us<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There is no them<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There is no them<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There's only you<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />And there's only me<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There is no them</span></div>
<span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /></span>jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-67002770308721281882014-11-07T10:27:00.001-07:002014-11-07T10:37:10.679-07:00A Conversation with a Narcissist (or 2)My grandmother is terminally ill. My aunt and uncle have arranged for a family holiday at their home so we can all get together (I assume, one last time, before she passes). My father called to invite me. I assumed he would also invite my sister. She generally doesn't attend family get togethers, but she always makes a big dramatic scene about how she can't afford it (probably true) and that she'd have to take unpaid leave from work (she has a job where you don't get time off with pay). We all know she isn't going to go, but she makes a big deal about wanting to go.<br />
<br />
I hadn't decided if I was going yet, as it is a VERY long drive and would be a VERY difficult trip for my family. However, my father's family always got together for this holiday when I was a child, I would, like to see them, and I had a chance to say goodbye to my grandmother (although I've made peace with the fact that I probably wouldn't). My father called me last Friday and was considerate about not pressuring me to go. He just wanted to let me know.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, I received a text from NM (please remember this woman has NOTHING to do with my father's family, except on FB and that this is NONE of her business). I will paraphrase some of the dialogue for anonymity's sake, but will try to be as close as possible:<br />
<br />
From NM: Just a quick question. Are you going to (town) for (holiday)?<br />
<br />
<i>Since my visit to NM's a week or so ago, she has not let up on the texts and messages. I've received several a day, which is annoying at a minimum. I REALLY DISLIKE when she starts something with "just a quick question" and then gives me know background content as to why she is asking these questions. She clearly has an agenda, but apparently thinks she doesn't owes me any explanation and that I should just offer up information. This information is NONE of her business. And I can easily guess her agenda: my sister. The only way she can know about this get together from my sister. Last summer, for another family reunion, NM had also texted to try and get me to pick up NSIS (at a larger city) and drive her and her (scuzzy) boyfriend (in my already loaded car) to the reunion and let them stay with me. FAT fucking chance. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I didn't need a crystal ball to predict that is exactly what she wanted this time. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I replied: I don't know. Why?<br />
<br />
<i>I immediately got a response back that said something like "NSIS is trying to figure out if she can go. It'll cost $700 for each plane ticket (meaning boyfriend would go too) and she'd have to take unpaid time from work which would be expensive.)</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>This pissed me off. Remember folks, my sister and I have not spoken in TWO YEARS, aside from her occasional verbal assaults, abuse, and harassment that I let "this go", "get over it", or general name calling and verbal abuse that usually leaves me emotionally wrung out, anxious, and tense. These feelings (and her horribly toxic, awful lifestyle) and a last straw were the reasons I chose to take a break from our relationship. Despite several tense email sessions in which she basically accused me of being the source of all of the problems, we haven't really communicated. NM has tried guilting me into "forgiveness" and even last week acts like nothing is going on between me and my sister. The last communication I had from my sister was two weeks ago in the form of an abusive message in which she called me tons of names because of some comment on FB (which did not warrant the shaming and tongue lashing).</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I REALLY can not get past my mother's delusions that I would be in any position to grant a favor to my sister and help her out. First, NSIS is a grown ass woman who's poor career choices have caused her to be perpetually "broke" (although she always has tons of money for clothes and alcohol). WHY in the world would I want to be in a car with this person whom I have NOT SPOKEN TO in two years? Who would that go? Just a hug and a cry and it's suddenly all better? And more than that, WHY is my mother feeling she needs to arrange all of this. She is so out of her boundaries, it's lunacy. Not to mention, she clearly thinks I'm so stupid that I didn't see her "set up" coming. That's just annoying.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I reply (because I am acting more "boldly". The therapist's word.): What does that have to do with me?<br />
<br />
She replies: Nothing really.<br />
<br />
I reply: Then why did you ask me if I was going and why did you tell me about NSIS?<br />
<br />
<i>This halts her in her tracks and is not what she expected from me. I don't get a response for over an hour and a half. Then this comes in:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
She replies: Just being snoopy. And I don't know why I volunteered the information about NSIS. Just making conversation that in hindsight didn't need to be said.<br />
<br />
<i>BULLSHIT. Notice that NM's tone switches her to her (she works in a field where you have to use politically correct terminology and be careful about how you speak. To me, I can clearly hear her tone switch to "work NM" and switch on damage control. She's become cold, calculated, and disconnected from me.) Notice too that she NEVER really seems to care about me, my feelings, or what I want. I admit, it bothers me immensely that my perspective doesn't even register in her brain. She just plain does not care, which is hurtful (although expected. I'm not surprised by this at all.)</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Then, NSIS texts about 15 minutes later. I'm guessing NM told her that she'd need to put on her big girl panties and make arrangements with me herself (and again, the LUNACY of these two women that this is even an option blows my mind. I feel very pressed upon, very ignored, and very annoyed. And very confused. How do they compute this in their brain? How do they make this work? I would NEVER think of calling my sister for anything right now. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
NSIS texts: Are you going to (town) for (holiday)? Just talked to Dad today. <br />
<br />
<i>WTF? Why would she think she is in a position to ask me that information? And what does it have to do with her? (I know, she wants something from me, but does she not see that I see that?) The audacity to think I would even respond to this blows my mind. It's like nothing has happened, like they expect I'll finally just quit throwing a "hissy fit" and "move on".</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I chose to ignore this text. It is none of her damn business anyway. Several hours later, I get this text:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
From NSIS: Jessie, this has gone on to (sic.) long. I miss you and I am so sorry for hurting you. I need you most right now. <br />
<br />
<i>Allow me to interpret this for you: Jessie, I've grown impatient with your bullshit. I'm stamping my foot and DEMANDING that you get over your shit. Because I think I have to, I'll offer you a token apology, some platitude about hurting you and then I can claim I've been the "bigger person" and apologized. And now, to my REAL point, <b>I need something from you, I need you to go back to being my cheerleader and support, I need you to give me what I want from you. It's all about ME.</b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
For the record, this "this is enough" shit really, really, really annoys me. Like she has any right to tell me what I need to do (and seriously, this is the most emotionally unstable person I know. That she thinks she has some sort of moral authority to determine when I should be "done" feeling the way I do irritates me.) After two years, a simple "I'm sorry I hurt you" is supposed to cover it? And really, this isn't about hurting me. I'm not holding onto some grudge (which is NM's and NSIS's projection because that's what THEY do.) I've moved away from a destructive, toxic relationship when I finally couldn't take it any more (that last straw, DID hurt me. But, it was preceded by so much other shit and surrounded by so much other shit that it just enlightened me to the whole of the craziness).<br />
<br />
And mostly in that text I hear: me, me, me, me, me. <b>I</b> need something from you, <b>I</b> have unmet needs from you, <b>I </b>have something I want from you. And the thing is, she ALWAYS wants something from me. This whole business of "I need you most right now." is such a ploy. She ALWAYS has a reason she needs me, some chaos, some drama, some bullshit. And notice, she doesn't actually say WHY. If it's that big of a deal, why hasn't anyone told me? They can solicit rides but not tell me about life changing events. (and if it really is that life changing and they actually DIDN'T tell me, well, doesn't that speak volumes?) And do I really care? No. I no longer want to play nursemaid to my sister who refuses to actually DO something about things. And just curious if it enters her brain at all that I could use some support, a sisterly talk, someone to lean on. NOPE. I'm expected to not have any needs.<br />
<br />
I am choosing to ignore this for now. I talked it out with DH, as I would really like to reply to her somehow (but seriously, am I supposed to do this in a text? What kind of response was she really expecting. "Um, OK. I'm all good now. What can I do for you NSIS?") The things I'd like to say are:<br />
<br />
This is about much more than me holding a grudge. <br />
I haven't seen any reason to believe our relationship going forward will be any different than what it was in the past and that is unacceptable to me.<br />
There is little room in any of these conversations for my needs, my feelings, and my concerns. And if no one else will take that into consideration, than I'll have to do that for myself. <br />
I have needed time to sort through this and it will not be resolved in the next three weeks (by the time she needs the ride).<br />
<br />
<br />
Beyond that, I would love to say how asinine it is to think that this all could just go away with a simple "I'm sorry." Their level of delusion and crazy is actually quite startling to me. I don't see how they see this going other than reconstructing reality and deciding to just play pretend and travel back in time. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I can not think of any email (no matter how carefully worded) would yield any positive results. Almost any email I send will be reacted to defensively and I will be attacked for it (the last attempt I tried ended exactly in this way). I have seen NO evidence that anything has changed with her and I can not reasonably believe the outcome will be any different from the last time. This is still a woman (child) that believes it is perfectly appropriate to reduce me to emotional putty, slay be with verbal shrapnel, and then go back to normal like nothing happened and ask me for a favor. I can't see sending an email as any more than an opprotunity for her to gain ammunition and attack me in return (I feel her anger at me is boiling just below the surface. She can pull out her "vulnerability" and plead to my conscious and my concern for her.....this used to be much more effective with me, as I always had such compassion for her that I'd do anything to help her. But I know that Jekyll/Hyde mask is just below the surface. And despite her wanting to "let it all go" I know her anger and resentment is tucked away for the right time to unleash it. <br />
<br />
<br />
Any thoughts, friends? Any advice on how to handle this? I'm guessing it's far from over and that ignoring her will only infuriate her more. But I just don't see what response would actually yield something positive for me? Why anger the beast? <br />
<br />
Any and all thoughts are welcome. <br />
<br />jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-41286078856830825022014-11-06T10:42:00.000-07:002014-11-06T10:42:33.875-07:00MosquitoSo, it's been radio silence (sort of) since MIL called with her "apology". DH told her at the time that he would call her back after he'd had some time to think. In the interim, we took a trip to NM's house (long story, which I will tell later) and were gone for most of the time since that phone call (in addition to having Halloween and then having other commitments when we got back.) MIL was aware that we had left town. <br />
<br />
Before the "apology", and after MIL stomped her feet because we hadn't arranged our schedule to accommodate her, she had FIL call and leave a message that he hoped, since they'd missed us, they could see us the next time they were in town (during the Fall, they come into our town about every two weeks, if not every weekend). But this was pre-apology, so I didn't know if the "request" was still valid.<br />
<br />
Personally, I thought MIL should let DH have the time and space he needed. But as the time grew closer for their weekend in town, I could almost feel her energy looming over me and around me. Like, somewhere in the ether, I could feel her anxiety pushing on us to "deal" with the issue and "get back to normal".<br />
<br />
I didn't buy the apology from the beginning. I'm guessing she called, saying she's been a "bad MIL" and has "done some thinking" as mere platitudes and "tokens" to manipulate DH. I believe she expected DH to say "oh, no, mom! You're a great MIL. We've just been busy." And then, in her fantasy, I imagine she expected DH to apologize to HER for not making time for her and then making up for it all by spending all kinds of time with her....I mean, one of her statements was "I want to spend more time with you." THIS is her goal, not working on the relationship, or thinking about what she needs to do better. <br />
<br />
I also suspect this has something to do with SIL1 and BIL1, whom they usually spend the whole weekend with, babysitting their kids and staying at their house. I'm not sure what is going on, but I'm getting odd feelings from that direction. SIL pulled her FB account almost immediately after posting some new photos of her and her kids (on a trip without BIL). This is not like her and seemed strange (note: MIL also said to DH "I'm tired of saying things to people and having them take offense to them." She had indicated to DH that she feels she has "offended" me many times too. I'm guessing she's less interested in SAYING less offensive things, just that WE take less offense. Anyway, I'm wondering if she's said something and ticked off SIL1. I also know that my other SIL(2) and BIL(2) are having marital problems -they've hinted on FB, but I'm not sure what is going on there either. SIL(2) chewed me out at my son's birthday because I let DH communicate invitations through his brother and I don't tell her. We are not close, do not communicate at all, and this seems silly to me. If BIL(2) can't tell her what plans he makes with his family, that is HIS problem, in my opinion. I'm hypothesizing that she, like me and SIL, is getting annoyed that the FOO always comes first and that we are left out of giving opinions or making plans.)<br />
<br />
Anyway, I'm guessing that MIL sees much more potential in sucking NS from me and my family at the moment, as the well is going dry over at SIL1's house. It annoys me to NO end that she just "switches" like this. I've seen her do it over and over: she and her "best friend" sister get into conflict? She just ignores that sister and starts hanging out with the other one. She requires a "primary" relationship (NS source) and can cast aside the one for another like an old sandwich that no longer feeds her needs. (<i>Two side notes:</i> she never goes and sucks NS from DH's two younger brothers. While we have to see her every month - if not more- she NEVER goes to visit SIL2 and BIL2. Their home is only another two hours from ours. She only sucks NS from the youngest BIL, when she can go to the restaurant he manages and get waited on and tons of attention. <i>The second note: </i> BIL1 -the one MIL usually sucks from - has been calling DH a ton to do things. DH has noted this as odd; BIL has been too "busy" with other friends for the most part in the past year or so to do anything with us. He never calls to set up time and relied on us to set up any time together -and he'd often blow us off. I think DH hopes that BIL is wising up. I've tried to gently point out that this is BIL's pattern: he makes new friends, spends all of his time with them and then gets bored - sound familiar?- We are his "if I have nothing better to do" choice. He cycles back anytime these fleeting friendships wither away. I hope, desperately, that DH can see that.)<br />
<br />
So, back to my point. All of this stuff is floating around in the air. The air feels thick, even to DH, with foreshadowing. Like a storm is brewing....or something. But, we don't actually KNOW anything that is going on, so it's a bit unnerving. <br />
<br />
On the Friday before they were to come into town, MIL called DH's phone. She didn't leave a message and only called once, but I had been expecting it. She wanted to visit the next day, clearly. It annoyed me to no end that she wasn't allowing DH to work through things and giving him some space. But, because of FIL's earlier message, I'm guessing she felt we had some obligation to meet up. I know DH feels guilty that he hasn't called her back, but I don't think he needs to work on HER timetable. And seriously, we have been gone for six days of the 11 days between when she called to apologize and when "time was up" to get back with the program. And that's the key, I think she is just hoping to go back to "business as usual". She's thinking, "I apologized and now it's over and now you need to do what I want and spend untold amounts of time together."<br />
<br />
On the following Monday, DH got a call from his brother (BIL2) with questions (related to DH's work). FIL happened to be with BIL and BIL handed off the phone to him, despite neither DH nor FIL asking to talk to the other (this doesn't surprise me, as BIL2 tends to always pass the phone around). FIL acted like nothing is going on. He asked DH about our trip (of course, like the good little boy he is, BIL1 - the one who used to be NS and has been calling us - had called his mommy and reported exactly what we had been up to. It annoys me SO much that news travels so fast in this family. No one is allowed to tell their own stories, as the gossips tend to run with information). I'm guessing that my FIL, who is quite spoiled and likes life to be "easy", is just trying to ignore it all (that's been his m.o. in the FOO. Just keep his head down, ignore any drama or chaos, and then move on like nothing is going on.) In a way, I'm sort of glad that FIL is staying out of it and not "taking sides". But, I pointed out to DH, it bothers me that, considering FIL and DH think they are so "close", that they are completely ignoring the elephant in the room. That FIL, having to assume that things might be difficult for DH right now, hasn't bothered to call, check in, or check on DH to see if he's OK. <br />
<br />
Last night, I switched my profile picture on FB. MIL has been on restricted access on my FB for over a month now, since she poached my son's picture off my page and used it to write her own post (directed AT my son. How the hell is my six year old son going to see something on HER page? Clearly, he is not, and it was all so she could look like a good grandmother to her friends.) This new profile photo has been the <i><b>only </b></i>photo she's been allowed access to. And of course, she "liked" it immediately. Granted, it's a beautiful landscape photo, but it felt more like a "HEY!! YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME. I'M STILL HERE AND NOT GOING AWAY!!!!" reminder from her. And I can't help but think she jumped on a chance (seeing as it's been her only one) to send a subtle message that she won't allow me any space either. She's like a mosquito who's annoying buzzing is always reminding me she's there, even if I can't see her. I can swat her away for a moment, but she always comes back, threatening to suck my life blood from me. <br />
<br />
And not even to mention, DH had also told her, specifically, to quit offering phony flattery to me. To stop with all of the "I like your toenail polish" b.s. (To which, she refused because "sometimes I DO like her stuff and I'm going to tell her. Way to miss the point, MIL!) To me, this is just one more form of her lame flattery and attempts to manipulate my view point of her. "Hey! maybe if I like her photo, she'll think I'm a good MIL and like me too!!!!!" Or maybe she's just clueless and impulsive and can't control herself. Either way, I wish she'd stay the hell out of my space. <br />
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Oh, did I mention that, in all of this time, MIL has made no attempt to reach out to ME and apologize? Nope. Just phony "likes" on FB. <br />
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Too bad they don't make "MIL spray" the same way they make mosquito spray. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-2268638925175927302014-11-05T14:51:00.002-07:002014-11-05T14:51:29.083-07:00Empathy versus SympathySo, I have lots to post about, but am just sorting through it before I write it down. <br />
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Until then, a few notes: <br />
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Therapy has been helping (shocker!). I am making some progress.<br />
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She uses a lot of Brene Brown's therapeutic models and I've been reading more and more of her work. I find it to be very interesting. <br />
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One of the things I came across is this cartoon model of "empathy versus sympathy" and I thought some of you might find it interesting and I wanted to share:<br />
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<a href="http://brenebrown.com/2013/12/10/rsabear/">http://brenebrown.com/2013/12/10/rsabear/</a><br />
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Clearly, my NM and MIL lack empathy. But this really put it into perspective about what they don't get. They live in so much shame, that they couldn't even imagine putting themselves into my shoes and trying to understand. (not that that excuses them). NM tends to use pity rather than even sympathy. The pity than gives her the opportunity to <em>feel</em> like she's empathizing, while maintaining her superiority ("oh, that sucks. I feel SO bad for you." while she thinks "that would never happen to me, as I'm too smart/attractive/rich/whatever for that.)<br />
jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-1134093616621334202014-10-21T10:51:00.002-06:002014-10-21T10:55:16.060-06:00Processing an ApologySo, I came home from the grocery store and DH and I sat down for lunch. He immediately told me that he'd gotten a text from MIL this morning, asking him to call her back when he had the time to talk. He was instantly anxious, he said, and worried that someone was ill or dead (his grandparents aren't well, as are other family members) and called her back immediately. She never asks him to call her like that. She rarely talks to him on the phone. She usually goes through FIL. <br />
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But no one had died, she had called to offer an apology. She told DH that she feared that she'd been a bad MIL. That she had noticed the growing tension. That she felt she'd done some things wrong.<br />
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WTF, you say? An apology? From the woman who has never (if rarely) ever claimed responsibility for the way things are? Who's never even acknowledged "the way things are" (we are one big happy family, don't cha know?)<br />
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Don't worry, I was instantly skeptical. But let me back up a bit.<br />
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Around a month back, we had DS's birthday (for those of you that don't know, every birthday of my kids has been run over by the Ns). As usual, NM and her husband came. And MIL and FIL come. And as an added bonus they all went to DS's soccer game. I was ready, and as prepared as I could be for the weekend. I handled NM well enough (can you ever say well?) We hadn't seen the ILs much over the summer. During YS's birthday in June, MIL had showed up 45 minutes into the party and clearly had given YS's birthday very little thought. <br />
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So, MIL comes into the soccer game nervous, fidgety and weird. I had decided to just "hang back". Not be rude, but not extend myself in any way. No "hello" first. No phony smiles. Just a wave. MIL pulled her chair up so close to DH that she was practically sitting on top of him (she nudged FIL out of the way to get to him). The whole hour and a half, she peppered DH with, what I can only call an "interrogation". She dominated his attention, the entire time, in the guise of "trying to make conversation" (or so DH called it, just claiming she was nervous). It went something like this "What kind of party is DS having? Is he having cupcakes or cake? What kind of cake? Does he have a man teacher or a woman teacher? Does he take his lunch or eat at school?" (Seriously, these are direct quotes. And it went on for an hour.) There was a particularly tense moment when I stated an opposing point of view (MIL just bristled and didn't say anything). It was so weird. You'd think we'd had a huge falling out, with the way MIL was so tense and agitated. But the thing was, I wasn't rude. I hadn't been rude (or even much different that I'd always been). I was quiet, distant, and a bit to myself. I just hadn't <em>extended</em> myself at all. When we got home, DH stated that we'd "both" been difficult. I asked him how? What had I done that was so "difficult"? I pointed out that this tense, icky environment had always been like this for me. He'd just had the comfort of hiding in the conversation with his father, leaving me alone with his mother, and me putting on the fake smile and phony talk to get through it all. <br />
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The next day, MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL all walked into the party without acknowledging me. That didn't make a "point" of doing it, but how they could walk two feet from me and not see me was crazy. FIL and BIL never spoke to me the entire party. I doubt it was totally intentional, but just shows how little class they have if it was clearly a mistake. How do you come to your nephew's party, but not ever greet his mother, the hostess? MIL approached me (cornered me, while alone) to offer some patter about the cupcakes (she kept complimenting the taste -which came from a box - but missed the artistic, and complicated presentation of the cupcakes. I know that sounds silly, but the artistic component was really unique and to not say anything just seemed....odd.) She also offered (as usual) to help me once everything else was done. They left their dog tied up to a tree in the parking lot. The anxiety ridden barking dog. And when I suggested to MIL that it was barking at people trying to entire the facility she seemed annoyed. The whole thing was odd. MIL never once went to play with my kids. She stood in the area between the two play areas (as is usual).<br />
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Oh, and FIL made some comment about it being "all about Jessie" to my mother (who, somewhat gleefully related to me) when I had objected to my son participating in a sport. It was a bit of a sucker punch to me. <br />
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So, that was a few weeks ago. FIL and MIL have not called once to see about coming to any other soccer games. I haven't ventured enough along thinking about why. They've been in our town for many of the weekends.<br />
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Saturday Morning: MIL calls and says they are coming into town (the attend sporting games in the fall in our town about every other weekend from September through December). She leaves a message that she wants to "get together". My guess is that she wanted to stop by our house and "hang out". This is their m.o. and it drives me crazy. They just want to pop by, when it's convenient to them and around their schedule. They never considered nap times, or that it's almost dinner time (and that I would either have to just eat around them, or scramble to find food to feed them. And the kids HAD to eat.) We've tried in the past to schedule at different times (like before the games, so they had to LEAVE, but they often wiggled out of that. Once, they'd been "up drinking" too late and didn't come, so said they'd "just stop by after the game instead." Um NO. ) They also just want to stop by (often on Sunday evenings) when they are driving through our town. And then they just want to "hang out" and be a part of the family, as if we don't have chores, baths, dinners, or school to get ready for.<br />
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This time, our house was a mess and we had plans to be out for the day. I'm sure MIL assumed DH was staying home to watch the game, but we had gone out to a family outing instead. DH texted his mother that we could meet for dinner at 5 (dinner works much better for me, I told DH. I feel less trapped - both physically and emotionally. MIL often <em>physically</em> corners me. They also don't know when they've over stayed their welcome, so dinner -with and "end point" helps....although they still drag it out.) We hear nothing from MIL until after the game. She sends a text at 3:30 "Just got back to the car. That is a little late for us." Then, in another text "Can't we just drop off the apple sauce and then leave." She always has "something" to drop off. She's well aware that, unless she has something, which she guilts us into having to accept (we don't want the applesauce, fruit, or whatever else she has. And she only brings one or two things at a time.) DH was annoyed. He's beginning to see how it has to be all about them. I thought the whole thing was over complicated. Why not just call your son and ask what his plans are for the day and when, if any, would be a good time to meet up? And then try to be accommodating or say that you'll have to catch them next time? DH didn't respond. It wouldn't have mattered, we couldn't have met up anyway, as we were still at the family event. Later, FIL called and left a message that they had to get back to their town for something (DH didn't really know what and later I saw MIL on FB). And they wanted to get together the next time (two weeks) they game for a game.<br />
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So, DH calls MIL back and she tells him she's done some thinking and fears she's been a bad MIL to me. DH agrees (whoo hoo!). She states that she's been offensive, she thinks. Yes, very offensive, DH agrees. She says that she's tired of saying things and then thinking later that she shouldn't have said them (hmm, think before you fucking talk!) DH points out that she has really offended me by getting another dog (I'm very allergic) by adopting BIL's dog (whom they didn't want to care for anymore. That's how MIL got her first dog. She also used to invited FOUR other dogs -BIL's dogs- to holiday gatherings and then refuse to understand why it was difficult for me to attend family holidays. She wouldn't even put the dogs outside. She also used to tell people that she didn't understand why I didn't visit more. BUT, she wouldn't get a cat because BIL and SIL are allergic - and not deathly allergic like me. They could take an antihistamine and be fine. ) She says she knows, and that the next dog will be hypoallergenic (I've heard this before from her, when her last dog was about to die. She was unwilling to hear me as I tried to explain not all hypoallergenic dogs are.) DH pointed out that is not the point. The point was also not that she HAD a dog, but that she made it much worse with the dog and by inviting all of the others. <br />
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He pointed out that things REALLY would take effort to change. That boundaries would be put up. That things would never be like they are with BIL and SIL, whose house they just come and go at. That it would take work. Lots of work on her part. Willingness to change and hear criticism. That she needed to quite being so superficial with me and really take the time to get to know me. That he needed to quit communicating compliments THROUGH HIM. That she needed to quite communicating with me at all through him. She said "well Jessie is one of the coolest people I know". But she also told DH "I'm still going to compliment her hair or nails (the superficial compliments DH told her to stop.) because I DO like them." To me, it sounds like she didn't hear a word he said. She completely missed the point. <br />
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She did say that she knows that she was wrong to "pressure" me into things so much. This is her sanitized word for BULLYING. MANIPULATING. CONTROLLING. STRONG ARMING. I made sure to point that out to DH. She ADMITTED pressuring me. This woman is the most controlling person I know, but hides it extremely well (for the most part). And she's AWARE of it. This is a big thing, I think. <br />
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Oh, MIL had told DH that "all I want is to spend more time with you guys." So, all SHE WANTS is to spend more time. Not to heal things, not to change things, not to grow closer. Her end game is to spend more time with us. She wants to "hang out" with ME because I'm "cool"? Not kind, considerate, thoughtful, fun to be around? Sounds an awful lot like NS to me. She wants to be associated with me. (I often have felt this when their was a sudden switch in our relationship. She suddenly went from putting me down to suddenly wanting to emulate me. I read the other day that Ns like to "fast track" knowledge. So, they find someone they admire and then try to model themselves after them. But the whole premise is faulty, because they've done nothing to actually BE more like that person, but rather just "tried on" the other person. I feel this is what MIL is now trying to do to me.) I also note that she didn't say she wanted to be a bigger part of her grandkids lives, get to know them better, or be a more supportive grandmother. Not that I expected any or all of these things specifically, but the fact that NONE of them were in the conversation and it was only about WANTING to spend more time, I am suspicious. I also notice that never, in the whole conversation did she ask DH what WE wanted, needed, felt, hoped for. I suspect, that because she views DH and I as the "good family" she's wanting to attach herself to us for the NS. My sons are smart, handsome, and well liked. We, as a family, are well liked and do well for ourselves (not to brag.) SIL and BIL are not as satisfactory in meeting her needs, although they are JUST like her. I don't see anywhere where this is any more than an attempt to insert herself in our lives. <br />
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I suspect that when we didn't jump to meet her, she panicked. It really was a very small boundary, and I think her intense reaction to it speaks volumes. I think she's afraid we are moving away from her and is desperate to get us back in the "fold". She's hoovering. Do I think she genuinely feels bad and remorseful? Quite possible. I think, in the presence of consequences, she's really wanting to "fix" things. But she really has no clue how to do it. Because she's an N and she can't think about how to fix the relationship, only how to offer bandaids and platitudes. I KNOW that she hasn't had a sudden bought of insight, like she claims. Many of the things she pointed to herself, she has said before to me. She knows the dogs are an issue (they have been for 16 years). She clearly knows she's been offensive in the past. She is offering lots of defenses and excuses for her behavior. When DH offered her up specific things to do, she countered them and said she was still going to do them.<br />
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DH realized during the phone call that he was starting to ramble and told her that he really needed to think about it all and call her back. He said he is not sure if things will change, and is rational enough to realize we will have to watch her behavior change. He is shocked, as he said, "my mother has never done anything like this before (accept responsibility and apologize) and she doesn't have the balls to." So, he is surprised by the gesture. But, thankfully, he's not falling for it immediately.<br />
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We talked about it more afterwards. I told him that I hoped he'd quit providing her with a "check list" of the things she needed to change, and start asking HER what she planned to change, what SHE saw as the issues. I told him I hoped he'd stop saying that she was offensive to ME, but offensive to US. He asked that, in the future, I would say to her when she was upsetting me. At first I agreed, but then said I'd only do that when I felt comfortable. I am unwilling to put myself out their as a "practice dummy" for her to work on her N rage on. I told him to give her some very concrete examples of where she has crossed the line (like favoring one of our children over the other and claiming that God has told her my older son is "more special") but that to be careful and selective about what he shares. Or to share slowly. <br />
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The whole thing had me shaking. I'm heading to my NM's house this weekend, and I didn't need more stress. I didn't feel immediately emotional about the apology, but I definitely am concerned about what this means in the future. I am very glad that the elephant in the room has finally been spoken about and I know longer have to "put on a happy face" around this woman. I know she KNOWS now. (I always knew she knew what the fuck she was doing to me, but she would act like everything was fine all of the time. If I ever tried to bring anything up, she raged until I shut up.) She can't deny she knows. I don't buy the "I'm a mad MIL" thing either. She has always claimed to "not want to be THAT MIL" so how she is with her DILs is always on her mind. She just has chosen to be THAT MIL. I've heard this before too when it started to dawn on her that she hadn't prepared her sons well enough. Then, I got lots of "I haven't been a good mom." But she never changed anything. <br />
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At any rate, I feel thankful that DH is finally defending and protecting me. I think MIL would've gone on doing what she was doing forever until we finally decided to not do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. (Seriously, all of this because we asked to meet for dinner and then wouldn't meet any other way?) I'm glad he sees that it will take tons of work and will be a long process (he told MIL not to expect an instant relationship.) I'm thankful he isn't just accepting what she says and going back to playing pretend. <br />
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I don't see her changing. At all. But if she does, at least that will be a good thing. And at worse, I know longer have to play the "crazy one" who is seeing things that aren't there. MIL has admitted she knows she's done wrong and she can't take that back. But I don't see her trying, at all, to be any different in the future. Hopefully, this will help keep her at arm's length away from me. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-35664701199398902742014-10-17T15:12:00.003-06:002014-10-17T15:12:40.510-06:00Stopping ByJust stopping by to say I'm still here, still wanting to write, and still working through all of this narcissism stuff.<br />
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Fall has been rough. We've had some schedule changes (new schools and all of that) and it's been a rough adjustment. <br />
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On top of that, MIL amped up her victim game at my OS's last birthday game. I was left exhausted, emotionally spent, and with my head spinning. How the hell she can convince everyone she is such a martyr is beyond me. <br />
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NM was also here and was zero help. Even a suggestion of how I'm feeling about MIL and she immediately turns it back around to herself. She continues with delusions that my sister and I just need to be brought together and all would be fixed. She seems to believe that I'm just holding some grudge. She does not understand that their has been a seismic shift in my life. I don't know how to respond when she brings up my sister and talks about getting together.<br />
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NSIS, for her part lobbed a nice little grenade at me last week that, while extremely painful, as somewhat a relief in knowing that she hasn't changed a bit. I had insinuated on a obscure FB page that my mother wasn't all that she should've been (it was naïve on my part; I really hadn't thought about anyone seeing it. It was a page that only I liked. Oops.) I didn't directly say anything about my mother, I didn't mean for anyone to see it, and I didn't even mention MY mother. In addition, I alluded to how much <em>I</em> am struggling. So, of course, NSIS comes running to NM's rescue and beats me down emotionally for DARING to suggest our childhood wasn't perfect. It was awful.<br />
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But luckily I had an appointment with the therapist that day. So, therapy has been progressing. I had a very frank and open discussion about the therapist's practices and views on treatment. I brought up her discussing herself and I was satisfied with her answers. She doesn't have the grasp of narcissism that I would like but, I live in a small town and expecting to find the "perfect" therapist is unrealistic. And my good friend Kara pointed out that I can chose to find another therapist at any point, and if nothing else, she may get me to the next point in my recovery. Sessions have been intense and difficult at times, and I've struggled to communicate (it's hard to point out the covert techniques of the Ns when I don't always know how to explain them to myself). But, I always feel better when I leave and I feel validated and heard. That helps so much. To be able to have someone say, it is not YOU, it really is THEM and you have been abused has given me so much grounding. <br />
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Hope everyone else out there is hanging in there. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-80940768126419783922014-09-17T17:16:00.001-06:002014-09-17T17:16:22.972-06:00Therapy QuestionsSo, I met with the therapist today. I felt positive coming out the appointment. I had been feeling anxious and overwhelmed about it. I still left feeling overwhelmed, but I felt less anxious. <br />
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I'm trying to decide if she is a good fit. I felt she listened well. I felt she was empathetic. I felt validated by her. I didn't feel patronized or like she was pandering to me. She both let me lead, and led the conversation herself. <br />
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For those of you who've been to a therapist, here are some questions for you:<br />
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How much is appropriate for a therapist to share about herself in the first meeting? She discussed some of her training, her journey into therapy, and the models of treatment she uses. I did ask her several questions that prompted some of what she said. Some of it was spontaneous (like she explained to me that she was feeling jittery, excited, this morning due to just picking up a new truck with her husband and that she wanted to take a moment to settle and calm herself. She took a deep breathe and did settle. And for the record, I didn't find her to be jittery. I would imagine new therapy is difficult for the therapist too?)<br />
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She also revealed that her son is a narcissist. While I didn't consider this a red flag, it made me suck in my breathe. For me, narcissists are begotten by narcissists. She spoke little of her son's father, as she seemed to be a single mother who struggled both with her own past FOO issues (some of which she briefly touched on) and financial issues. So, as the primary caretaker, I wondered if she felt she had an responsibility in "creating" a narcissist. I used the word culpability. She said that she did feel she had some responsibility. She discussed that her father was a perfectionist and verbal abuser, who passed these traits onto her. She said that when she began to realize the effects she was having on her child, she immediately went into therapy. (And from there, began a college career in social work and counseling.) She also said that her son's narcissistic (and more anti-social, if you ask me) began to crop up early, around 4. <br />
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I felt her responses were appropriate regarding her son. I felt she actually had worked to try and help him (she spoke of the many models of treatment they tried to help him. He was a thief and had many legal issues). Do you all think that a woman who has a narcissist for a son will be of help in my therapy? Or do you think that she will be unable to understand my position?<br />
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I felt some of her observations of me were spot on, her ideas for treatments seemed appropriate and tailored to what I need (decrease of anxiety, ability to manage my emotions better, and to be able to stand up for myself, live authentically, and decrease the "shoulds" I put on myself. )<br />
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Any thoughts? Any things you would consider important to a therapist? I actually see many similarities between my story and that of this therapist, which I think is both a good and a bad thing. I don't know, I guess my head is just swirling a lot. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-18481969740841342402014-09-10T13:52:00.002-06:002014-09-10T13:52:59.470-06:00Changes with NMSo. NM. Was it better. No, not particularly. Did she get to me? No, not particularly.<br />
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I'm getting to the point where I've pretty much emotionally detached from her. I don't feel this aching need for her to get me or understand me or validate me. I'm unwilling to accept any sort of "love" or "caring" from her, as I know it isn't real (or is fleeting). She doesn't work me up (as much) emotionally. Sure, she's still annoying as hell, but I'm don't get overworked and over raw around her. I've learned to LEAVE the scene when I can't take anymore (I disappeared for chunks of time over the weekend. She only came "looking" for me once. I did not allow her to amp up the drama.)<br />
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It's interesting watching her from a much more distance, unemotional place. She is. such. a. child. It's amazing to me the many ways this woman can bring things back to herself. I mention I'm not thrilled with my son's kindergarten teacher. "OH! Not like YOUR kindergarten teacher, huh!" She seems to take personal responsibility for my teacher, like she GIFTED the woman to me. She also did this with when I mentioned my sons doctors and how I was switching. She completely MISSED the points I was trying to make and never asked WHY I was switching or felt uneasy with the teacher. In the past, this would've made me feel invalidated and angry. But this time, shrug. I told her that I had little memory of either of these people, which annoyed her. <br />
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Every conversation turns around to what she would do, how she did it, or what it was like when I was a kid (because, apparently, I can't remember how SHE did things as a mom). Everything is said in a way that clues me in that she believes she's giving advice. Propping herself up. Patting herself on the back. I rarely begin conversations at all because she doesn't listen and will tune into her phone or the kids. This used to annoy me too, but now I just say "Are you listening?" When she nods and "ummm hummm" I say "no you're not". Then, I stop the conversation. Even if she tells me to continue. Nope, you had your chance. It gets tiring listening to her was poetic about herself, disguising it as conversation. <br />
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She also demands TONS of attention. She gets pissy and complains if the kids spend too much time with her husband. But then she gets pissy and complains when OS takes up "too much" of her attention. Or puts demands on her. Once, when the kids and I asked her to come outside and look at something, she purposely procrastinated. In the past, I would've fumed. This time, when OS complained that she wasn't coming, I said "Do you know the kids are waitng for you?" and then to my son "I guess she's not interested." She likes to be asked to do things and then to stall. I'll have to remember this in the future. She keeps bringing up people no one cares about and making huge announcements about what is going on (her coworker's daughter was getting married and NM was very involved in the drama, texting for updates and then expecting our rapt attention as she discussed it.) She kept bring up the same trivial bullshit over and over (SD! I'm so worried about the weather and we may not be able to camp out next weekend. She brought this up every day and stressed over the weather report. She made us go shopping for camping equipment. It would really be comical how she demands so much attention if it wasn't so annoying).<br />
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She's also profoundly negative. How she describes things, even when not intending to be a bitch, comes out pissy. For example, DH and stepdad were going to go somewhere and NM asked "Or will OS throw a fit because he can't go." It's the "throw a fit" part that gets me. It's an awful negative characterization by my standards. When we were leaving for OS's game, she came up and started nagging Stepdad (SD) , saying "Do you still have to brush your teeth?!? Well you better get going!!! We are leaving soon!!" Then she stood there patting herself on the back (out loud) for "taking the reins". She went on and on about how she had to lord over stepdad and keep him on track (which is untrue. SD is very considerate and (mostly) thoughtful (he has been known to pout) and always is ready on time. The whole situation was very emasculating for SD, in my opinion, and NM would not let it go. She gets this gleeful expression when she does stuff like this and thinks she's being 'strong" and "in charge" and hides it behind the fact that "he's being rude and inconsiderate of Jessie and DH". Lots and lots of shaming go on around her. I've learned to ignore her when she does this or walk away. Before she'd try and haul me into participating, but I ignore it. Interestingly, since I've begun to stand up to NM, my relationship with SD has improved. His much kinder, no longer snarks at me, and seems considerate and interested in me. (Side note, my father and I's relationship has also improved once I removed myself from all of the drama with my sister.) I assumed SD would attack me for taking on NM, but he seems to be grateful for it. <br />
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I also notice that NM requires CONSTANT validation. She forces people to agree with what she says. For example "I also do such and such, don't I SD, don't I!" It's not a question. Poor SD always just nods. It's like watching her use him as a mirror in real time. She says something and then forces "the mirror" to reflect it back by agreeing with her. I quit doing this too. I either ignore her questions, or give a contrary opinion. Not to piss her off, but because that's how I feel. <br />
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She also is quite contradictory, speaking out of both sides of her ass. In the midst of a conversation she said that she "likes having my kids grown and gone. I like my life and having it to myself. I don't want to go back to parenting and take care of kids all of the time." And then two seconds later she talked about how she would drop everything to care for her grandsons all of the time. <br />
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After the soccer game, NM knew I was upset. I decided to let her see how I was feeling. (I know TW, don't kill me.) I had no expectations of validation, gave no information that would make me vulnerable, but (factually) explained what bothers me and express the appropriate emotions with it. I'm sick and tired of either hiding my emotions or pretending it's OK. I know that this opens NM up with information, but I don't care. She already had the information and could clearly see what was going on. I expressed how ANGRY I was with MIL at the game. I didn't allow NM to comfort me (I pushed off all hugs she tried to give me. Fuck that. And some hug from NM wasn't going to wipe away my emotions. I actually think showing her my emotions bothers her. Another reason I don't mind not hiding them from her.)<br />
<br />
The first incident the following day came when she brought up a family reunion she wants to plan with her FOO. This FOO of is VERY dysfunctional, not close and has rarely gotten together. Plus, NM wants NSIS to be there. She asked what I thought, all bubbly and excited. I said "good luck with that. Your family doesn't seem to be the "family reunion" type." (Plus, she's already told me that they were struggling to agree on doing it. No one wanted to take it on....because no one really wants to do it. I'm sure they think it sounds as uncomfortable and fraught with tension as I do.) This pissed NM off and she started arguing that my perceptions were wrong. Well, so be it. Then, she went on and on about the plans for it. I ignored it and finally turned my back. (I was making cupcakes at the time, and one batch came out completely wonky. The first ones were good, but the last few I'd completely messed up. I told DH you could see the evolution of the conversation in those cupcakes.) This pissed her off more and she bustled outside to make a phone call. I'm guessing to NSIS (who the fuck else would she call. She has no friends and has no one she needed to call. ) She never said who she was talking to, but was out there for an half an hour (she also used to do this, calling me when frustrated while visiting NSIS, so it's a habit for her). I'll admit, it pissed me off. She also used to have a habit of calling NSIS the second BEFORE she would walk into my home to visit. She would spend the first ten minutes of a visit with us describing me, my house, and everything to my sister before she would even greet me. I hated this. And you can't call her on it. She just says "aren't I allowed "me" time?!" When the kids complain she's on her phone instead of playing she says she's "tired". I told her last time that she always says how much she doesn't get to spend time with the kids, that it seems a shame to waste time she IS with the kids on her phone. <br />
<br />
The next day, she cornered me as we all prepared to go out for a walk. She does this often to force "alone time" on me. She calls it "mother - daughter" time when my son asks where we were (almost implying my son is being obnoxious for asking it, like he's annoyed that I got NM's attention. Which maybe he is, he's six and likes to be played with. But she reacts as if he's doing something selfish and uncaring. Just another example of how she her reactions are skewed in a negative way that makes the other person feel shamed.)<br />
<br />
She kept flitting around from topic to topic. First asking about my grandmother who is dying. I've avoided the topic in the past, but I know she knows now. I gave her the information I have: she's dying, I don't know when, I don't know of what type of cancer, and I don't know how she is (this is a whole other story). NM starts in on what my she told my sister to do. Starts pestering me about questions about my dad. I close off. She flits to another topic: my dad. Asks if he came to visit this year. I say no. She starts to give an opinion on my father, how he should take time off, how he should visit my sister (even though she visited him instead, the first time in SEVEN years. But of course he is expected to dance around my sister too), blah, blah. I've been down that road. I say "yes, I wish he visited more. But it's his loss and I can't force him to do more than he does." I show no emotion, I state the facts, and then I quit responding.<br />
<br />
She says some more crap. Then she brings up her father, an alcoholic, asshole of a man who has is spoiled and has always expected his own way. He was a horrible father and a piss poor grandfather (he wasn't mean to us, but could care less. He's done some kind things for me in the past, but he's not, by any stretch, a good grandfather. I have few feelings towards him except mild kindness and duty. Note: not obligation, but duty.) She says that he brought up that he felt like a horrible dad. NM gets up on her soap box again (I really don't know how to explain this. She takes this odd, mature, superior tone where she acts as if she's schooling all of us. It's sort of like a lecture. I suppose with her family, she is imparting wisdom, but for me, it just seems ridiculous. ) She said she told grandfather "we got both good things from you and bad things dad. It wasn't all bad...." blah, blah. I appreciate that she's seeing him from a continuum, but I actually feel she's glossing over the bad things. Like she's "balancing" things out. I do not believe that good things, balance out bad. I'm finally able to see that my childhood DID have good things in it, that I took lessons from both my mother and father, that she wasn't awful, all the time. But I certainly wouldn't level it out and say that it was OK. And it seemed she was saying this all to seem superior rather than any real understanding of what she was saying. And I couldn't stop myself. Matter of factually, I said "but he wasn't a good dad. You maybe have gotten a good work ethic from him, but he was a horrible father." She sputtered. "And he was a piss poor grandfather." She sputtered again, regrouped and started in on her lecture again about how to "properly view parents in good and bad light" and how my grandfather blames my grandmother for all the "bad" traits in the kids. I kept all emotion out of my voice and again said "he was not a good grandfather and she was not a good grandmother." She stopped and then, like a switch, agreed with me. But not because she got it, but because it gave her a moment to vent about him. I said "he is a spoiled, selfish man who only focuses on himself. " And then there she was back to the childish NM, bitching about how awful he is, how horrible he was, how spoiled he is. It was rather crazy to watch in real time. <br />
<br />
And then DH and SD and the kids came back. She lost "her moment". I felt SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF. I dislike these moments of being trapped by her, but at least I am no longer afraid of them. She can't drag me down. I didn't respond emotionally and was able to think about things before I responded. I also didn't allow her to feed me a lot of bullshit. I spoke my truth.<br />
<br />
Also, when I talked to her about MILs behavior at the party (NM FORCES me to drive with her. She loads all of the party shit in her car before I have a chance, and when I, repeatedly tell her no, she argues. Last time, I was able to get my way, this time I could care less.) She told me that all the things I'd told her about MIL (I gave her very factual, concrete examples of her behavior. In the past, I've fluttered around my feelings and have been unable to say WHY MIL bothers me so much.) NM said "maybe I shouldn't be so nice to her tomorrow." (I may have mentioned that NM and MIL like to pretend that they are going to be friends.) In the car going to the party, she told me how much it bothered her to hear I'm treated like that. (Which is crap, she's heard it all before. And while it bothers her and she's said it bothered her before, she still makes 'nicey-nicey' with MIL.) So, at first, NM goes on attack mode with them. Purposely trying to be snarky to them. Then, she tells me at one point MIL was annoying her and going off, so IN ORDER TO TRY AND DEFLECT THAT, NM pulled out her phone and started showing MIL pictures of an accomplishment in which she's being publically recognized (and lord, was I sick of hearing about that). I thought it so messed up that NM's solution to MILs arrogance and intrusions and selfishness is just to talk about herself. I guess she fights "fire" with "fire". MIL, for her part, tolerates NM and politely nods and smiles her phony smile (I wish I could describe it. It's a smile, but there is a hint of smirk in it, along with panic and anxiety and contempt). <br />
<br />
I find it interesting to watch how NMs reaction to them treating me badly is to talk about how it upsets HER. But then when she can support me, she doesn't (I did tell MIL she was wrong about the theme of my son's party. NM told MIL she had been calling it the same thing. Thanks for the support NM!) She kept trying to pull me in for a hug, which I resisted. Her hugs feel like a cheap band aid and method for her to feel like she's doing something. She said "it's OK to accept a hug." Um, nope. It's not, from you NM. Because that puts me in a vulnerable position. I can speak my truth, but I will not accept her compassion, as that puts me at risk of being hurt. She offers no verbal support. She offers no validation. She offers lots of "you should just do this". She clearly has no ability to really support someone. I'm glad I did it. I don't worry about retribution. I didn't feel vulnerable to her. Will she use this? Most likely. But I want her to know that she, NSIS, and everyone else aren't the only ones who are dealing with things and working through life.<br />
<br />
Other than that, she pulled a couple messed up things with the kids. She brings piles of presents. And she always gives gifts of the "theme" (for example dinosaurs) to the kid who is less interested in that. (So, for example, she'll give some dinosaur stuff to OS - who is very interested - and more to his brother. She feels that "it's not fair for OS" to get all of that stuff -like he's "hogging" the interest or something. Again, assigning negative intentions to harmless behaviors.) This time, when my boys protested in front of her the unfairness (she also managed not to get right something I very specifically told her was necessary to get a specific toy. She asks for tons of ideas but always fucks up one or two. This isn't due to an accident.) I let them. Before, I would've stressed out about her thinking my kids are ungrateful. She's going to think that regardless. So, I let them say how they felt. I reminded my kids later that "Grandma struggles with what is fair and doesn't understand that. I would hope that you would express gratitude, but your feelings are valid and I understand why you would feel that way. And you are always able to tell me how you feel." It pisses me off she disguises these little jabs in presents. <br />
<br />
My OS also confronted her for calling him a brat. He said (to DH and me) "Hey mom. We were playing and (little brother) wanted something I didn't want to give him. I heard grandma tell LB that I was being a brat, but she said she called me a (and damn, I can't remember what the word was but it was something that <em>sounded</em> like brat but was less innocuous). NM immediately argued that she was right. And then when she knew she'd been caught and I repeatedly told OS that that was NOT OK. And that Grandma -and everyone -should refrain from calling names. And that I understood why that would bother him. Then she tried to tell me that "brat" wasn't a big deal (she and SD come from people that think calling kids "turds" "brats" "spoiled" or "babies" is OK. MIL and FIL also feel that way. I know some people feel it's not a big deal, but I DO.) I immediately told her YES, it is, don't do it again. I know it sucks -and some people will have judgement- that I allow her around my kids when she says/does this shit. But I am proud that I've taught my sons to stand up, to confront, to call them on the bullshit and that I will support them in that. That I will protect them from that as best I can. (Also, NM is off babysitting duty. She is rarely allowed alone around my kids.) I'm trying to do the best I can (DH insists kids have access to their grandparents and that they will resent me for keeping them from their grandparents. And OS actually really loves NM and likes her to come. So, I sometimes feel stuck. Plus, I can't protect them from every narcissist out there, so I hope this teaches them some tools.) But maybe that's all rationalization and excuses.<br />
<br />
So, that's why I called a therapist today. I'm overwhelmed at talking to someone. I feel afraid, for some reason. I worry she will not believe me. I spoke to her, briefly on the phone today. When I said that both my mother and MIL are narcissists she, in disbelief said "BOTH of them?!" I said yup. She quickly regrouped and said "well, you know, that isn't actually that surprising. I can see how that happened." Is that a good sign or a bad sign? I hyperventilated for an hour after making the appointment, pacing and teary-eyed. I'm looking forward to having outside perspective, but I'm terrified of being told I'm wrong. And that it is all me....<br />
<br />
jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-69676261187834855022014-09-09T17:30:00.001-06:002014-09-09T17:30:25.102-06:00DenialThe weekend ended up being very loaded and I am very exhausted by it all. NM was OK, or rather, I handled her OK. I will write more about my interactions with her later. But I struggled with my MIL.<br />
<br />
On Saturday, they showed up at my son's game. They had been told about it, but hadn't confirmed they were coming, so I figured they weren't. No suck luck. MIL bustled immediately next to DH, so close their chairs touched. She then preceded her "interrogation". Or at least that's what if felt like to me. Question after question after question. "Does DS have a woman teacher? Does he eat hot or cold lunch? When does he get home?" "What kind of party is DS having? What decorations did you buy? What is he having a cake or cupcakes? What kind?" Writing it down doesn't sound so bad, but it was just one question after another. There was no "conversation" to the conversation. She would ask a question and DH would answer. And then another immediate question. There was no open ended questions in which a conversation could be sparked. She directed none of the questions at me. DH believes that she is "just trying to make conversation" and "doesn't know what to say". Maybe. Her anxiety is palatable (which is so odd, because she isn't an "anxious" person in general. DH believes that <em>I make her anxious.</em> I also believe that my NM makes her anxious. ) <br />
<br />
When the woman walked up, I gave a half-assed wave (and I will admit, she makes my skin crawl. I wish, with all I'm worth, that I didn't feel so anxious, angry, and irritated around her. That I could just emotionally disconnect like I've learned to do with my NM. I'm not sure why this is, but I believe it has something to do with her still having "hooks" in my DH and me feeling like she can still control me through him.) I don't make more of an effort because I don't want to encourage her. I am not interested in being her friend or having a relationship. This bothers DH. I am willing to tolerate her and be cordial, but I'm not interested in being friendly. DH sees this as "contributing" to the problem.<br />
<br />
But I will point out that MIL didn't say hi to me either. She gave a general wave to the group. Several times she asked questions or made comments that really should've been directed at me. "Wow" she told DH "that's a nice camera you have". <strong>I</strong> was holding the camera, the whole family knows that <strong>I </strong>take all the family photos, and she's seen my camera a DOZEN times or more, which made the "compliment" seem phony and bullshitty. I will also say I was anxious about my son's game, tired, stressed from NM, and hadn't made conversation with anyone else either. MIL also proceeded to tell DH who of his brothers were coming to the party the next day. It annoyed me that none of them had bothered to call DH himself. It is this sort of thing that makes me feel enmeshed and icky and like all information has to go through MIL. She has to know EVERYTHING that is going on. But no one else sees it like that.<br />
<br />
Anyway, when we got home, DH and I were discussing it and he said he felt we "both contributed" and "both to blame" and that neither of us tried. I suppose this is true, but I told him that I had <em>purposely</em> not made any effort to see what happened. In my analysis of the situation, if I don't approach MIL, if I don't make myself available, then SHE gets all anxious and weird and closes off. I pointed out that both MIL and BIL expect everyone to come to them. And if they don't, then they just ignore you. As MIL and BIL are not shy and are very outgoing people, I can only see this as a self-centered N trait. <br />
<br />
The next day at the party, ALL of my ILs came into the party, greeted the woman I was talking to and walked past me. Granted, I had my back to them, but seriously. They know it was me. When I called "hello" to MIL as she skirted past me, she quickly turned, gave a phony <strike>smirk</strike> smile and then bustled past me. I didn't see her again for awhile. <br />
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A bit later, NM approached me and relayed a story in which FIL asked if my son would participate in a particular sport (not ironically, the sport my husband was a "star" in and that everyone associates DH with. I am not fond of this sport for a number of reasons. Some of which is that meets take all day and that you often spend most of your weekend at them, as opposed to say baseball where you spend a couple of hours one day. I also think some of the things children are expected to do for this sport are not healthy. And I don't want to push my kid to do something just because his dad did. And my kid already does other sports. Plus I want him in other activities BESIDES sports.) Anyway, NM said "Jessie doesn't want him to." FIL replied "so it's all about Jessie?"<br />
<br />
I'll admit, this one crushed me. I know they think I control my kids and DH. I know they think I'm over cautious with my kids and uptight. But it hurt to hear him say this about me. I thought I, slightly, had an ally with FIL. And the truth is, this sport is what <strong>FIL</strong> wants DS to do. <strong>FIL </strong>also was very pushy in having DH do this sport. In fact, FIL is often to wrapped into sports and I think it is his way of escaping reality. He can talk sports with his kids and think he's connecting. I've often seen him retreat into sports during family functions. I even found him in the bar during my wedding reception watching a football game. <br />
<br />
In addition, I was giving several other bits of bad news. And my girl, who keeps claiming she wants to be my friend, who I've confided in about my family issues, who knows these parties are hard for me, decided to DROP OFF HER DAUGHTER SO SHE COULD GO SHOPPING. She could see I was visibly shaken when she stopped and still left. <br />
<br />
MIL approached me and my son later with some more of her interrogations. She wonders why the kids don't have a relationship with her, but all she does is fire off questions. She doesn't take time to really listen or ask them things so that THEY can talk and share with her. During the party she stood between the two play areas. This is typical for her. She doesn't bother to go in, play with the kids, or interact (all other parents do, except my FIL who, surprise, watches football). She also approached me toward the end of the party and asked "Can I put the food away?" I'd already put away most of it, but left out the snacks, as we had 20 more minutes. It always drives me nuts how she only offers to help with very specific jobs. She doesn't ask what she can do, but offers up what she wants to do. And if you say yes, she doesn't ask how you'd like things (like where to put them) but just starts stuffing things wherever. NM does the same thing. I'm sure I'm being petty, but it doesn't feel like they are helping when they are steam rolling over me and not asking how I need things done. <br />
<br />
SIL spoke to me briefly. BIL (MIL's GC) didn't say hi at all. This is a game we play, as I rarely say hi to him because I (accidently) discovered that if I didn't approach him (over a year ago) he just ignored me. For an entire year, I just didn't say hello first. And he just ignored me. When I did say hello, he would talk to me. It's very, very strange.<br />
<br />
I went home from the party shattered. I was bummed I had such a horrible time and had ended up in a back room crying by myself. I felt horrible that I couldn't enjoy my son's party. I felt sad and guilty that I was having drama during his party. I only hope that I pulled myself together enough and that he didn't notice. I really tried to connect with the children (and a few adult friends) and stay out of the fray. I didn't say anything to MIL, and she kept dancing around me, but I had no desire at that point.<br />
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DH was oblivious to all of this all. When we got home, I left the kids to play with their toys and my stepdad and went to cry (again) in my walk in closet. He came to find me and I could see he was visibly shaken when I told him what happened. He was kind and consoling, but he didn't say that his father was wrong. He said he was surprised his dad said that and was sure he was joking. I said, even if he was joking, it wasn't very kind. <br />
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DH didn't sleep at all that night. He is so upset about this all. I think he KNOWS how things are. I mean, he can't deny that his parents don't make an effort to actually get to know his kid. That just "being in the room" with them doesn't count. That his brothers are horribly uncles who only pay attention to the kids when they want to. That they don't make any effort to actually be involved with our kids. He can't deny that the family has issues.<br />
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But he can NOT let go of the fact that he wants is family in his life. The next day I told him that by making a big deal out of his parents or uncles throwing crumbs at our kids, he is teaching them that is all they are worth. He said I'm teaching our kids that I can't have a decent relationship with ANYONE in the family (I pointed out later that this is a generalization and splitting and just not true). I pointed out that I have just as good a relationship with most of them as he does. I'm just not satisfied with surface-y relationships and relationships in which real love and support and affiliation is absent. <br />
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I know this is killing DH. I know he wants a big family, huge celebrations, love and support. I get that. But he can't get that he never had that BEFORE I pointed it out. That, many years ago, when I DID TRY, the relationship wasn't any better. That NM and my sister (yes, he threw my sister at me) are impossible to have a family relationship with. He knows that this is a particular vulnerable thing for me, to say it's just me, and saying that NM and my sister is my problem is just bullshit. And he knows it too. And frankly, I think I have been dealing with NM just fine, considering I haven't completely cut her off. <br />
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I don't know where to go from here with him about this. He seems stuck in the "put up with it" phase. Or the denial phase. Or somewhere in between. He simultaneously tells me that my mother and sister are the craziest people he's every met, that he doesn't like either of them, but then tells me that I'm teaching my kids not to have relationships with immediate family. I feel stuck, as what he says is technically true. I am keeping my mother and sister at arm's length. But that's due to THEM, not me. <br />
<br />
We've been going around this all for two days. I get that he's feeling sad and depressed. I've told him I'm not asking him to cut off his family, only to look at it realistically. To quit putting more into it (and describing it) as more than it is. To get rid of some of that baggage so we can make room for people who really do love us. To try and help me work on healthy boundaries, healthy ways of interacting (with them and us) so that we can teach our kids that. To set boundaries with his family. To stick up and protect his wife and kids from their scapegoating and favoritism (did I mention MIL blatantly favors my older son? This is one of the things that has finally helped DS see the light.) <br />
<br />
I get how hard this is for him, the grieving, the denial, the wanting it to be different. And I'm thankful he's not so anger and completely blaming me anymore. I've seen his empathy for me and his commitment to our marriage and family grown. I know he can look at our boys (whom everyone says are so smart, well behaved, sweet, and considerate) and see that, if I was the stingy bitch they think I am, the kids wouldn't be so great (a lot is just because I have great kids, but I have helped). I just don't know how to move from here. I don't know what to do. I know that I'm ready to speak up, and fuck them if they don't like it. I know that I'm going to try to focus on what I want and need and not feel guilty. I just don't know if he can go there. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-81688569675545732672014-09-05T10:06:00.000-06:002014-09-05T10:06:02.488-06:00Burying the HatchetNM arrives today for the weekend (for kiddo's birthday party). She'll be here an extra day this time. I'm trying not to be anxious.<br />
<br />
I'm feeling so much better about her coming. Well, not about her coming, but I'm handling <em>myself</em> better. Still, the thought of all weekend with NM (and sprinkles of MIL too. Lucky me!) is dire. I'm trying to remember that allowing them to suck all of the happiness and joy out of me is letting them control me. That I am still <em>allowing</em> them to be the center of my attention and focus, even if it is for negative reasons.<br />
<br />
I'm guessing too that NM will bring up my sister and I'm not looking forward to that. I've been thinking a lot about my sister lately. I saw a picture she posted of herself and NM, with the caption "love my mama!" I think this is odd, as she didn't ever call her "mama". NM posted photos a month back of her trip to see NSIS with the caption "with my baby! Happy mama!" This whole "mama/baby" crap made me want to vomit. It was a very visual representation of the relationship they have with each other: a mom and her BABY. Not her grown, adult, in her 30s daughter. But her BABY.<br />
<br />
Looking at the photo, I was struck by how much I DO NOT miss being in their relationships. They are both snuggled up, giggling. I remembered how silly, infantile, and gossipy their relationship is. Goofy, and not in a good way. I always felt so out-of-place making myself behave that way. Sure, I can act silly, but I often felt like we were teenage girls instead of grown women. I do not, can not, go back to being like that.<br />
<br />
And the thing is, I do not miss my sister. What would their be to miss? The drama, the chaos? The fear? I remember very few times I had a good, relaxed time with my sister. I always felt on edge. Always worried she would blow. Always concerned she would get angry and freak out. And now that I have kids, I can not risk that anymore. I can not risk her screaming at her boyfriend and having a huge fight in front of them (like she did the last time she was at my house). I can't risk her screaming at me. I can't risk her playing with them and then becoming "bored" and focusing on herself (like she did when my OS was an infant/small baby). I tried <em>so hard</em> to convince myself I enjoyed her company. But I rarely did.<br />
<br />
And the thing is, NM just does not get that. She continues to believe/tell herself/project that my sister and I just had a "spat". She recently mentioned a family reunion next summer in which she hopes me and my sister would both go. She had hoped my sister and I would both attend a "family photo shoot" this past summer. I just don't get it. How in the world does she think that will go? That we will just show up, fall into each other's arms and all will be OK? I know, for the photo shoot, she had some fantasy that we would come together "for her (NM)", put our "pettiness" aside for the "bigger picture" and all that b.s. I wondered how she thought we could just show up, after not talking for two years, almost three, and suddenly stand in a photo together like one big happy photo.<br />
<br />
After she mentioned the reunion, I was feeling panicked and pressured. Sure, I'd like to see some of these relatives (although there isn't much "family" about this family. It's all scattered, dysfunctional, and tense. At my grandmother's funeral, everyone kept their distance and never got together afterward, just went off in separate directions.) But I just couldn't fathom how I could be around my sister. The odds of her flying off shift on me would be HUGE (I mean the powder keg of ammunition against me is huge. Even if NSIS came with the intent to get along, I know how easily I could piss her off and she'd lose it. I don't really feel like having a conversation about her estrangement amongst a bunch of relatives I hardly associate with.) And I can't just go be "buddy-buddy" and pretend everything is OK. Two summers ago, NM tried to push me into picking up my sister and her boyfriend and bringing them to another family reunion (and provide them a place to stay with us). We hadn't talked in a year at that point. I wondered WHY NM thought I had that responsibility or should accept it. <br />
<br />
I know NM thinks I need to "forgive and forget" and that "life is short" and every other platitude that glosses over the reality of it. The fact is, I HAVE tried everything to have a relationship with my sister. I forgave, forgot, forgave, forgot and forgave again. Over and over and over. For things that my sister never apologized for and never really felt remorse for. Things she never even admitted doing: stealing from me, allowing others to steal from me, beating me up, sleeping with my boyfriends. I excused and forgave her for all the times she directed the spotlight away from me: on my wedding, during the birth of my children, when I moved into my new home. Every single time she created drama or a scene or somehow stole the spotlight and focused it back on her. And I forgave her. I used all of NM's excuses for NSIS: she's jealous and doesn't know how to express it, she feels left out, she doesn't understand, her life has been hard lately, she didn't MEAN to hurt you, it's hard for her to see you get all of these things and makes her feel badly about herself......you get the idea. I excused her over and over and over. I thought I could help her "get better" and then, if I could just tough it out, we'd finally have the relationship I hoped for. Or any relationship other than the one we have. At least one where NSIS seemed to give a shit about me.<br />
<br />
I spent the better part of THREE decades "trying". In all of this time, NSIS did very little to contribute to our relationship. She continued to take whatever she could get off of me (that she felt entitled too, as I am <em>supposed</em> to "support" NSIS as I am her sister). She allowed me to pay for a lot, called in the middle of the night (screw the fact that I had work the next day), called and bitched for hours but never once asked about me or my kids. She would ignore my husband or kids whenever she felt threatened that they might take up some of my attention. During times I could have used her support, she dangled it out there, but then yanked it back, saying it would be too much for her to take off work/spend money to visit/ call me. And I let that go. I accepted whatever crumbs my sister wanted to throw at me and called them a feast. And in return I helped her whenever and however she needed me. (Sure, I wasn't ALWAYS there like NSIS would claim I should've been, but I really tried as hard as I could to do everything I could.)<br />
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And, in the end, the relationship was the same as it always was. Lopsided, off balance, and toxic. I do not miss the stress and the drama. I don't miss the fear of hoping she'll behave in front of my friends and family at important times in my life. I am not sad she is not at my sons' birthdays. She's mean and glares at people and can be intimidating. She is Unfriendly. I don't miss having to gloss over that and pretend she's not that way. I don't want to go back to the fear that she will hurt me or verbally abuse me (especially in front of my kids). I don't want to go back to my kiddos seeing me cry when I get off the phone. I don't want to go back to hyperventilating every time she called, as I never knew what to expect (some new HUGE crisis, or a verbal tongue lashing, or a lengthy discussion about how hard her life is while I tried- in vain- to console her.)<br />
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NM just doesn't get that. And I don't think she's every cared to ask me how I feel, what I need, or what my concerns are. Her concerns have always been for NSIS and doing what I can to placate NSIS. I think NM secretly fears NSIS going further off the deep end and expects me to help "anchor" NSIS....or at least, not provide provocation. I'm tired of stuffing myself down in order to prop up NSIS. And I don't want to do it anymore. And there is no way to explain that to NM. Sigh.jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-39065767284347595772014-08-14T17:56:00.001-06:002014-08-14T17:56:36.118-06:00Random ThoughtsJust stepping in to say I'm still here, still holding on, still working at all of this. I'm surprised sometimes at what a long, drawn out process this all is. How it cycles, and ebbs, and flows. How nothing about it is linear.<br />
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I've had a good summer. Very little contact with any of the narcs. What I have had has been pretty minimal. I haven't seen my MIL and FIL in months. Actually, I've seen them rarely in the past year or so. It's been a welcome retreat. I'm gearing up for fall, in which they usually visit every other weekend or so. But I'm not anxious and stressed and dreading it like I usually am. Part of me feels like "bring it on, bitch!". I am feeling stronger. I am feeling more united with DH. I don't feel so all alone in this fight.<br />
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NM comes and goes with her attacks. Like a hornet that swarms in from time to time. Little guilt bombs over and over. She's mostly keeping her distance. I can feel her anger and bitterness from 600 miles away. It's amazing how they do that. It bothers me less and less, but still is exhausting, time consuming, and depressing.<br />
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I've been quite sad about NSIS, as of late. As we approach almost two years since we had the fallout that led to NC, I haven't seen one ounce of change. Every once and awhile she "touches base" and "reaches out" offering me some compliment or kind words on FB. But it means little to me. She's never made any effort to understand me, truly work through things, or change things. I'm beginning to wonder if this will ever change. If, by the time I ever do see her again, things will be so broken and distant that they can never change. <br />
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The latest news of Robin Williams suicide hit me hard. As almost everyone has said, it was a shock in some profound way that was really hard to comprehend. It wasn't just that he was so funny or "happy" (Kara pointed out to me how the man rarely smiled in photos. It reminds me of my father, in some way.) It seems to me that this man touched, reached out, and was kind to many, many people. <br />
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I thought of my sister, how she also has bipolar. How she also has tried to commit suicide more times than I can count. I wondered why I could have such empathy for RW but none for my sister. I'm still sorting through this. I think partially, I used to associate her bipolar with the reason she's mean and abusive. But I'm beginning to realize that maybe she just IS abusive. And toxic. Robin strikes me as relatively "untoxic". Sure, his alcohol, drugs, and depression must have been no picnic to deal with. But I don't feel he took those things OUT on other people. I don't think he blamed, shamed, and attacked anyone that brought it to his attention.<br />
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From all accounts I've read, he was one of the most kind, sympathetic, empathetic people you could people. Many people described him as being TOO sensitive. Feeling too much for others. Sucking in other's pain and doing whatever he could to alleviate it. He tried to reach out, tried to give of himself, tried to be of use. <br />
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But in the end it was not enough for him. I've read many people claim he was selfish. This angers me. I wonder if these people would also find it selfish if someone, ravaged by cancer, with no hope of help, writhing in pain every day, if they would find that person selfish for taking their life. It seems that mental pain, mental anguish is never "valid" enough. I tend to disagree. Tortures use psychological torture over physical torture for a reason: it is much, much worse. <br />
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I'm also a bit annoyed at the many people to who say "reach out", "ask for help". I know, they are trying to help. Actually trying to help the problem and find a solution. But the thing is, how many people DO reach out and are told "it's OK, you'll get through this"? Or "I've been there, there's hope"? These are wonderful sentiments but in times of great despair, pats on the back and "there, there" are not enough. Love and admiration from strangers or acquaintances mean nothing if we are not loved and understood by someone who knows our soul. I wonder how many people have reached out to someone who was wholly inept to deal with this level of depression, and so, therefore, made it worse. I know when I've reached out before, I've been told "it's OK. You're not that bad. You can make it." I know these people I spoke to were scared. They had no ability to deal with what I was telling them, no skills to help me. And that often made it worse, in the state of depression I was in. I only felt more misunderstood and guilty.<br />
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Many, many people knew RW was depressed. Many, many people knew he was sad. Many, many people loved him for what he did for them, how he lifted them up. I wonder how many of those people took the time to reach back and make sure he was OK. How many people assumed he seemed "ok, enough" and didn't take the time to look behind the mask? How many people just didn't know what to do, so they ignored it? I wonder how many times people never took the time to really look at that man, to see into his soul, and take a moment to really listen to him. To really hear him. And really validate him. I'm not blaming the survivors. But I wonder if it isn't time to look at mental illness, our approaches to suicide, and our treatments for these issues differently.<br />
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I read an article last night about how Robin sort of "latched" onto his son's nanny (whom later became his wife). She pushed him back, time and time again. Told him he had "issues" and was "messed up". But this man, who from what I can find, had a lonely, lonely childhood, kept holding onto her. He said that she was one of the only people that looked at him and told him he was ok, that he was "a good person". Certainly, no wife can be someone's "mother" forever, and they divorced. But this man, who talked of isolation, loneliness and despair, he often just seemed to need to be SEEN. To be HEARD (beyond the humor). To be validated. jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9026750446842946390.post-59324294768282073502014-07-23T16:58:00.000-06:002014-07-23T16:58:01.336-06:00Be the Bigger Person<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">"Somebody who can reckon with the past, who can live with the past in the present, and move towards the future - that's fabulous"<br /> Bruce Springsteen</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">NM posted this on her FB page a few days ago (I turned off her feed and now, only check it when I'm feeling up to it. No surprises.)</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I actually think it's a good sentiment and I love me some Bruce. But, I know that NM isn't reading this quote in the same way I am (she has a tendency to be very literal. She's not very good about understanding underlying meanings in things).</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I'm almost certain this quote is directed at me. I try not to personalize FB posts and take them as directed at me, but I'm REALLY good at reading NM. And she's fairly obvious. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">And it also fits right along with her motto "You've got to be the bigger person." She's <em>constantly </em>saying this to me. That so-and-so needed to be the bigger person. That she was the bigger person. That so-and-so needs to "get over it" and "be the bigger person". </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">As an example, several years ago when my grandfather turned 80, she wanted to have a party for him. She expected everyone else to feel the same. My grandfather, while mellowed, is a pompous, loud, alcoholic. He has no boundaries and is poor at reading other people's feelings. Since my grandmother died, he has imposed himself on his youngest daughter to be his social life. He goes out to her home once a week and gets good and drunk. And when he's drunk, he's often belligerent. He was NOT a good father. He often left his kids in the truck while he'd go in the bar and drink. His family was always struggling. He allowed my mother to help pay the bills when she became a teenager. He doesn't have many friends (if any). He wasn't an involved grandfather and I was often scared of him. He does have a few good points (and he's been kind to me in recent years, sending cards for my birthday. ) I do think he has some kernels of empathy and kindness. He's not a complete ass. But he's not someone you'd think of "celebrating". My mother's family has lots of issues and dysfunction (imagine that!) and even though they live close, they struggle to be in each other's lives. Generally, they just sort of stay out of each other's way. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">So, when no one wanted to go to the party, NM got all on her moral high-horse. Preaching about "letting go" of the past and "getting over their issues for an our to honor grandpa". NM loves to be on her moral high-horse. It's a great pastime for her and she loves to lord over people how thoughtful, considerate, generous, and kind she thinks she is.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Ironically, NM loves to take care of her father and parent him. When my grandmother died, NM was the one taking charge, involved with the doctors, fixing financial messes. She LOVES to parent. Well, she loves to <em>play</em> at parenting. See, for her, she thinks because she floats the old man some money every few months, buys him nice gifts, and takes him to lunch once and awhile, she's the <em>better person. </em> She's "let go" of the past and is doing what she feels so <em>should</em> do for a parent. I don't think I need to point out that gifts, money, and occasional attention does not a parent make. But there's NM for you.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Whatever, despite all of this, she still is horribly dysfunctional. She isn't <em>past</em> her past, but rather pretending it didn't exist. She didn't work through any of it. I doubt she's truly forgiven her father. And further, by now acting as if he is some great guy, I believe she's only doing herself a disservice. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">But that's her. I'm done with all that "let bygones be bygones" shit. The quote above was a not-so-subtle reminder than I'm being resentful towards my sister. That I need to just forgive her and move on. That <em>I</em> am being unkind, mean, and petty. That the whole situation would be resolved if I'd just forgive my sister.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">What NM can't realize is that I <em>have</em> forgiven my sister (more on forgiveness in a minute). I don't harbor anger or resentment towards her. I spent <em>years </em>forgiving my sister. I forgave her stealing my friends, sleeping with my boyfriends, stealing my cloths, letting her friends steal from me, upstaging me at my wedding, upstaging me at every other big event in my life, causing drama and chaos and stress in my life, screaming at me, yelling at me, beating me up physically. All this, and SO much more, I forgave in my sister. Time and time again. And it never made a damn bit of difference. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Because, see, NM doesn't want forgiveness, she wants you to FORGET. And then allow the same old crap to happen over and over. She wants me to allow my sister to continue to treat me in the same old ways she always has.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Besides the fact that my sister has never actually apologized to me (she doesn't think she did anything wrong, ever), my sister does not change. It's not that she tries and then makes mistakes (I can move past mistakes). It's that she is stuck in the same old patterns and she wants me to play my part. And because I am refusing to have the same relationship, she and my sister think I'm mean.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I've spent so much of my life wanting to be good. Not just to have people like me. But having integrity, kindness, generosity of spirit are important characteristics to me. I wanted to be forgiving. I wanted to make allowances and be non-judgmental. And NM knew this. So whenever she wanted me to do something, she'd pull out the "your not being kind, Jessie" card. She'd accuse me of being mean, spiteful, bitter, and resentful. Of holding grudges (pure projection on NM's part, as she is the Queen of Grudges). I don't hold things against people. I understand people make mistakes. But NM was forever telling me I was harsh, mean, and unkind (as was MIL and any of their minions who felt I wasn't doing enough). And it was an arrow through my heart.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">One of the most important steps I took to move past this is that I quite allowing THEM to determine if I was, in fact, kind, good, and living with integrity. In my last post, I discussed how I was never good enough. That the "trying" was slowly killing me. I finally had to start getting some of my ego back. Some of my self-esteem (something which was hard for me. Because GOD FORBID I ever be one of the Ns, who had such self-esteem and ego were through the roof.) Because I was so afraid of being them, I was afraid of allowing myself any ego. Any belief in myself.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">So, I worked on that. A lot. I asked myself (and DH and a few friends), am I a good daughter? Of course, it helped to have validation, but the biggest key was learning to define what a "good daughter" looked like to ME. What being a good DIL looked like. And the more I looked, the more I realized, HELL, I AM A GOOD DAUGHTER. I quit allowing them to define me. I quit allowing them to tell me I wasn't good enough.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I am not a perfect daughter. I'm sure I could be better. But I don't do anything for them out of fear, obligation, or guilt. I'm working on <em>not refusing</em> things, just because I'm angry with them. I'm sure my idea of "daughter" and theirs is different, because their definition of good equals 'no boundaries, no needs". Well, too bad. I get to have a say in the relationship too. I'm still working on all of this, but things have become so much easier when I did what <em>I fel</em>t I should do for my family. What was an appropriate obligation (I do think there is some obligation that is appropriate) and what was out of bounds. And I try to go with my gut. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I also spent a lot of time working on what forgiveness meant. So many bloggers write (and theologians) that forgiveness doesn't require giving in, having a relationship, or excusing someone's bad behavior. That it's about letting go of the anger and resentment. For me, this also included quitting taking everything they did so personally. It wasn't about me. They were jerks because THEY had issues. And as an adult (more on that in future posts), I could choose to walk away and not <em>allow </em>them to treat me that way anymore. I had to quit taking in personally (meaning I <em>deserved</em> their nasty treatment; that I'd <em>done something that made them act that way towards me</em>). And when I felt I had some control over the situation (let's face it, with Ns, they'll fight you to the death for control, so having a balance of control will never happen), some of the anger and resentment slipped away.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I'm not particularly religious, but I also looked at how forgiveness should effect a future relationship. Articles I looked at (I wish I had exact links, but I'm not sure if I do) often pointed out that God doesn't just "forget" our sins. That God expects repentance and change. That if you keep doing the same thing over and over, that those behaviors are not <em>in the past, but still something you are actively doing in the present. </em> How can you "forgive" someone who is continuing to behave in the way he says he's sorry for? How can you "move past" that which is actively occurring? Fact is, you can't. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">And even if God does forgive, it's not like he just whitewashes it away. He stores that information in his mind (I assume, not to speak for God), and looks at people as a WHOLE. Defined by a sum of behaviors. I believe he looks at if you've made any effort to change or make up for your sins. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">By my thinking if someone continues to (mostly) treat me poorly, moving away from you is not resentment, bitterness, or anger on my part. It's accepting them for who they are. Dangerous people who will hurt me with the right opportunities. I'm not judging you, I'm just believe you when you show me who you are. And if God only forgives sins once they've been atoned for, why do I have to be any different?</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I began to think that continuing to forgive (ignore the obvious) was only hurting me in my relationships. I was being bullied and pushed into believing that I was a bad person for not accepting their piss-poor apologies and just moving on. I had to look at the fact that, despite forgiving people over and over and over, they continued to hurt me. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I've decided to start defining these terms for myself. Letting me decide what is kindness, forgiveness, generosity, and good. Really looking into MYSELF and trying to be the best that I think I can be, instead of always allowing others to determine this for me. And really, why am I allowing the most emotionally challenged around me define what "healthy, normal, moral" behavior looks like? I'm not anymore. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">A few last thoughts:</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......” Paul Young</span><br />
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<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"></span>jessiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.com14