Happiness

Lately, things have been better.  Not that the narcs are better.  Not that they are leaving me alone.  NSIS, alone has been ramping things up lately.  Circumstances have not changed.

But I have changed.  Recently, I've felt like there has been a seismic shift.  Like that moment when Dorothy is going home after being in OZ.  And the good witch tells her she had "the power all alone."  And she suddenly realizes how easy it is.  Easy to be herself, not haunted by the wicked witch any more.  Suddenly, she's just sort of free.  The narcs have lost a lot of their ability to really, truly get to me.

That doesn't mean they haven't tried.  It doesn't mean that they haven't upset me, angered me, and annoyed me.  It doesn't mean that our relationship is going to be any better.  At least, not if you judge it by their standards.  But I just am not responding any more.  I'm not afraid anymore.  I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and speak up. 

And I feel good, calm, and happy.  A lot of the time.  And man, oh, man is it a hard feeling for me to deal with.  Here I've been working on the depression, the anxiety, the anger.  Who knew that happiness might be JUST as hard to deal with.

I'll be sitting there, feeling good, SMILING.  All of a sudden, I'll become aware of myself and I'll notice how light and easy I'm feeling.  How much I'm enjoying the moment.  How content and just plain HAPPY I am. 

And it'll freak me out.  I can feel, myself, instantly reign myself in.  I can feel myself numbing myself.  It's so crazy.  I have never noticed this reigning in before.  The pulling back from happy.  Happy feels out of control, happy feels almost dangerous sometimes.  It feels odd.  Uncomfortable, even. 

It isn't surprising to me.  Happiness was not welcome in my family growing up.  We didn't laugh a lot.  We didn't tell each other we loved each other.  In general, I tried to draw as little attention to myself as possible.  I'm sure many other ACoNs know that drill.  Don't be happy, don't be sad, don't BE anything.  And neither of my parents was particularly happy.  Ever.  And being happy generally caught negative attention.  So, I just didn't do it.

The second part to that equation is that no one was allowed to be any happier than anyone else.  So, if NM was upset, we couldn't be happy.  If dad was pissed off, which was often, none of us could be happy.  We were all required to "level" down to the person feeling the worse off.  How could you be happy, if your mom/sister/dad was not happy?  That seemed to be the message. 

And as I got older, it was clear I could never be happier than my sister.  Especially in the last few years, my NM always minimized my happiness by dragging me down to my sister's emotional level (which was never happy or "good").   I'm not quite sure how she went about it, but I always got the feeling I wasn't suppose to enjoy my wedding, my marriage, my new home, my children too much because, well, think of my poor sister.  She didn't have any of that.  It's how NM justified NSIS's shitty behavior of me and ignoring me and plain not treating me very well.  Well, Jessie, your sister just can't be there for the birth of your kids like she promised/not screw people and cause drama at your wedding/return a phone call or text or let you know she has "cancer" because her life isn't as good as yours.  She's not as fortunate as you.  She's not as lucky.  You shouldn't be so "proud" and "showy" about your "good fortune" because how will that make your sister feel?  She once got upset with me because my grandfather sent me a card for my birthday (this also happened when I got baby notices and other family communications a couple of times).  "Did he send your sister one?"  She bombarded me.  "How is that supposed to make NSIS feel?"  WTF?  Who gives a shit how that makes NSIS feel?  NSIS didn't get a card because she makes NO attempts to be there or contact family.  But NM feels NSIS is entitled to the same treatment as I am (despite the fact that I actually DO work to maintain contact with people).   I can't ever just enjoy anything because it might make NSIS feel badly (and most likely NM too). 

And so I restrained myself.  I held back.  I wouldn't let myself fully enjoy moments because I felt I didn't deserve them.  That I had somehow lucked into them.  I wouldn't let myself enjoy things because I feared them being taken away from me.  I wouldn't let myself be happy because I feared "punishment" for it.

It makes me angry now.  Angry that I wasn't in moments.  Angry that I still struggle to just be, just feel.  That even happiness can make me feel afraid. 

I suppose all I can do is keep working at it.