Shaken but not Stirred

I'm shaking and crying and upset as I write this.  Fucking narcs.

My NM called today.  I let it go to voice mail.  I waited to listen to it.  I assumed she was calling to see how I was feeling.  Nope.  Her voice was shaky and it was clear something was wrong.  So, I called her back.

Her story was that my sister had called.  Her boyfriend was moving out.  There was drama and chaos on the phone.  And then NSis comes out with the fact that the follow up test for her cancer were wrong.  The lab had called and they had "made a mistake".  And she was going to have surgery to remove her uterus on Thursday.   Apparently,  the boyfriend just found out about this today too.  Hard not to miss that coincidence.  NM was heading home to make airline reservations, but Nsis was refusing to have her come out.  NSis said that if NM came our for the surgery she wouldn't answer the phone.  NM is destraught and crying.  She says that NSis is trying to protect everyone and do things on her own and didn't want to burden anyone.  But NM doesn't think NSis should do this on her own.  Nm says she's having her own health problems.  I ask "like what".  NM says, oh, well, like my blood pressure (this has been an issue of months now).  And her doctor put her on an antidepressant and she was at the hospital with an anxiety attack.  And she dissolves into tears again.  I believe NM's emotion.  I do think she's upset.  But it's all weirdly placed emotion.  NM asks me if I think she should call my dad.  Funny, because she's never asked my permission before.  NM becomes confusing to talk to and I offer to call my dad (who also hasn't spoken to my sister as she's been verbally assaulting him lately).   NM initially refuses but then thanks me for being willing to call him as she gets off the phone.

So, I try to call my dad at three locations.  And I try to call my husband.  And NSis is trying to call.  I haven't been able to formulate my full reply to her text from yesterday (see two posts back.)  I take a few minutes to gather myself.  I take a few minutes to bide some time.  I answer the next time she calls.  And she lets loose on me.  She snaps immediately asking why I'm hanging up on her (I really thought I had her on the other line. I didn't know that I was hanging up on her when I disconnected from my calls).  I tell her I wasn't and try to discuss it with her.  She yells at me for not responding to her text yesterday.  I tell her I haven't been able to. She interrupts and assaults me for not "calling her back" for the past two months.  I try desperately to remain calm.  I explain I did try to reach her but that she responded with vague statements.  I say that I understand she's having a hard time.  She launches into a tyraid about her recent problems and how I've not been there at all for her.  I tell her I will not allow her to verbally assault me like she's been doing to my dad.  "LIKE DAD, huh?"  She snarls.  Oops.  I should've stopped at verbal assault.  She screams at me some more.  I again tell her I will not listen to her assault me, but that I understand she's having a hard time.  She screams at me again for not being there.  And I lost my shit.  I scream back that she's never once been fucking there for me.  Not once.  "OH YEAH!  I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE!"  And I hang up the phone.

I felt sucker punched.  I was shaking so badly I couldn't stand up.  I sobbed uncontrollably.  And I sat in the feeling for a moment.  No one should make me feel like that.  And I decided I was done.

I called my husband and told him the story and calmed myself down.   Then, I called my mother and told her that I am uninterested in further communication from my sister until she gets some help.  I explained what had happened and that I would not be involved with some one like that.  That I can take stress, that I can support people, that I'm not running from anything, but that I will not allow someone to abuse me like that anymore.   I explained that the actions of my sister in the past few months have been childish, unstable, and inconsistent   That  I can not piece together the truth from what she's said.  That she has been sneaky, deceptive, and inconsistent with my parent's too, which leads me to question the truth of what's going on.  That I will no longer play these games with her.  NM seems relieved.  She seems calmed by this.  WTF?  She agrees with me.  She says she understands.  She says that she wouldn't want to deal with it either.  That NSis has been calling and assaulting her (I might add that NM told me in the first conversation that NSis had contacted my grandmother and had an "emotional" conversation.  Huh.)  She tells me that I've done nothing wrong in the situation.  She has an appointment (this is actually legit) and has to go.

During my time on the phone, Nsis called me back four more times.  I got two voice mails.  I told DH that I will not be listening to them, and that he'll have to erase them for me.  He suggested that I text her back that when she wants to have an adult conversation with me that I'll listen.  But I don't fucking think so.  You can't have an adult conversation with the mentally deranged.

The Rain (King)

Heard this song today.  It rang true to me somehow.

When I think of heaven 
(Deliver me in a black-winged bird) 
I think of flying down into a sea of 
pens and feathers and all other 
instruments of faith and sex and God 
in the belly of a black-winged bird 
Don't try to feed me 
I've been here before and I deserve a little more 

I belong in the service of the Queen 
I belong anywhere but in between 
She's been crying, I've been thinking 
And I am the Rain King 

I said mama, mama, mama 
Why am I so alone? 
I can't go outside 
I'm scared I might not make it home 
I'm alive, but I'm sinking in 
If there's anyone home at your place 
Why don't you invite me in? 
Don't try to bleed me 
I've been there before and I deserve a little more 

I belong in the service of the Queen 
I belong anywhere but in between 
She's been lying 
I've been sinking 
And I am the Rain King 

Hey, I only want the same as anyone 
Henderson is waiting for the sun 
Oh, it seems night endlessly begins and ends 
After all the dreaming I come home again 

When I think of heaven 
(Deliver me in a black-winged bird) 
I think of dying 
Lay me down in a field of flame and heather 
Render up my body into the burning heart of God in 
The belly of a black-winged bird 
Don't try to bleed me 
I've been here before and I deserve a little more 

I belong in the service of the Queen 
I belong anywhere but in between 
She's been dying 
I been drinking and I am the Rain King
---
"Rain King" as written by Adam/bryson Duritz

Monsters Under the Bed

Someone (please forgive me for not remembering who) suggested that Narcs are like monsters under the bed, laying in wait.  This image led me to a crazy train of thought.  Few people I know would describe NMIL as a monster.  Some would describe NM and NSis that way, but they are a little more "out in the open".    And my stories are not as horrible (little physical violence, no real screaming fits, little to actually be "fearful" of) and so I often wondered if I was actually just imagining my monsters.
But I think that is one of the things I've found the most confusing about all of this.  I am more certain than ever that these women in my life are narcissistic, toxic, and at minimum, difficult.  But they are not "monsters" as others would describe them.  How could I reconcile this?

I used to teach preschool.  We had a discussion about strangers with the kids.  We had them describe bad guys.  Of course they used words like "ugly" "mean" "wearing black" and other typical "bad guy" terminology.  But that was actually scary.  Because the bad guys that could harm them probably wouldn't look like the bad guy lurking in the shadows at all.  He wouldn't be some shady figure hiding in the corner.  Because, really, what kid would go near that?  And then how would he get to them?  No, bad guys are your neighbors, and friend's of your parents, your teachers, the football coach.  Bad guys have shiny trinkets to lure you.  Bad guys seem like nice guys.

And when you look at "grown up" bad guys, most of them aren't wearing horns either.  Of course, we have masked robbers and the creepy dude on the street corner.  But the real bad guys are better at hiding themselves.  They look like your friends, and neighbors, and relatives.  They are financial advisors, and friends, and coaches, and the nice guy down the street who you discover is a serial killer but you never knew because "he seemed like a nice guy.  Kept to himself.  Mowed his lawn.  Always had a treat for my dog."

Bad guys can't be bad guys by advertising it.  Lions don't sit in the open waiting for prey to walk by.  If we all saw it coming, we'd all run for the hills.  Bad guys look like good guys.



Post Note:  I've found so many words that describe narcissism sound very violent.  For example, "narcissistic rage".  Although, it's clear to me that many, many people suffered violent retribution, for me that wasn't really true.  My narcissists "rage" is very covert, sneaky, and passive aggressive.  Do any of you have examples of narcissistic rage that is really about anger but is hidden because it is not out and out violence?