NM arrives today for the weekend (for kiddo's birthday party). She'll be here an extra day this time. I'm trying not to be anxious.
I'm feeling so much better about her coming. Well, not about her coming, but I'm handling myself better. Still, the thought of all weekend with NM (and sprinkles of MIL too. Lucky me!) is dire. I'm trying to remember that allowing them to suck all of the happiness and joy out of me is letting them control me. That I am still allowing them to be the center of my attention and focus, even if it is for negative reasons.
I'm guessing too that NM will bring up my sister and I'm not looking forward to that. I've been thinking a lot about my sister lately. I saw a picture she posted of herself and NM, with the caption "love my mama!" I think this is odd, as she didn't ever call her "mama". NM posted photos a month back of her trip to see NSIS with the caption "with my baby! Happy mama!" This whole "mama/baby" crap made me want to vomit. It was a very visual representation of the relationship they have with each other: a mom and her BABY. Not her grown, adult, in her 30s daughter. But her BABY.
Looking at the photo, I was struck by how much I DO NOT miss being in their relationships. They are both snuggled up, giggling. I remembered how silly, infantile, and gossipy their relationship is. Goofy, and not in a good way. I always felt so out-of-place making myself behave that way. Sure, I can act silly, but I often felt like we were teenage girls instead of grown women. I do not, can not, go back to being like that.
And the thing is, I do not miss my sister. What would their be to miss? The drama, the chaos? The fear? I remember very few times I had a good, relaxed time with my sister. I always felt on edge. Always worried she would blow. Always concerned she would get angry and freak out. And now that I have kids, I can not risk that anymore. I can not risk her screaming at her boyfriend and having a huge fight in front of them (like she did the last time she was at my house). I can't risk her screaming at me. I can't risk her playing with them and then becoming "bored" and focusing on herself (like she did when my OS was an infant/small baby). I tried so hard to convince myself I enjoyed her company. But I rarely did.
And the thing is, NM just does not get that. She continues to believe/tell herself/project that my sister and I just had a "spat". She recently mentioned a family reunion next summer in which she hopes me and my sister would both go. She had hoped my sister and I would both attend a "family photo shoot" this past summer. I just don't get it. How in the world does she think that will go? That we will just show up, fall into each other's arms and all will be OK? I know, for the photo shoot, she had some fantasy that we would come together "for her (NM)", put our "pettiness" aside for the "bigger picture" and all that b.s. I wondered how she thought we could just show up, after not talking for two years, almost three, and suddenly stand in a photo together like one big happy photo.
After she mentioned the reunion, I was feeling panicked and pressured. Sure, I'd like to see some of these relatives (although there isn't much "family" about this family. It's all scattered, dysfunctional, and tense. At my grandmother's funeral, everyone kept their distance and never got together afterward, just went off in separate directions.) But I just couldn't fathom how I could be around my sister. The odds of her flying off shift on me would be HUGE (I mean the powder keg of ammunition against me is huge. Even if NSIS came with the intent to get along, I know how easily I could piss her off and she'd lose it. I don't really feel like having a conversation about her estrangement amongst a bunch of relatives I hardly associate with.) And I can't just go be "buddy-buddy" and pretend everything is OK. Two summers ago, NM tried to push me into picking up my sister and her boyfriend and bringing them to another family reunion (and provide them a place to stay with us). We hadn't talked in a year at that point. I wondered WHY NM thought I had that responsibility or should accept it.
I know NM thinks I need to "forgive and forget" and that "life is short" and every other platitude that glosses over the reality of it. The fact is, I HAVE tried everything to have a relationship with my sister. I forgave, forgot, forgave, forgot and forgave again. Over and over and over. For things that my sister never apologized for and never really felt remorse for. Things she never even admitted doing: stealing from me, allowing others to steal from me, beating me up, sleeping with my boyfriends. I excused and forgave her for all the times she directed the spotlight away from me: on my wedding, during the birth of my children, when I moved into my new home. Every single time she created drama or a scene or somehow stole the spotlight and focused it back on her. And I forgave her. I used all of NM's excuses for NSIS: she's jealous and doesn't know how to express it, she feels left out, she doesn't understand, her life has been hard lately, she didn't MEAN to hurt you, it's hard for her to see you get all of these things and makes her feel badly about herself......you get the idea. I excused her over and over and over. I thought I could help her "get better" and then, if I could just tough it out, we'd finally have the relationship I hoped for. Or any relationship other than the one we have. At least one where NSIS seemed to give a shit about me.
I spent the better part of THREE decades "trying". In all of this time, NSIS did very little to contribute to our relationship. She continued to take whatever she could get off of me (that she felt entitled too, as I am supposed to "support" NSIS as I am her sister). She allowed me to pay for a lot, called in the middle of the night (screw the fact that I had work the next day), called and bitched for hours but never once asked about me or my kids. She would ignore my husband or kids whenever she felt threatened that they might take up some of my attention. During times I could have used her support, she dangled it out there, but then yanked it back, saying it would be too much for her to take off work/spend money to visit/ call me. And I let that go. I accepted whatever crumbs my sister wanted to throw at me and called them a feast. And in return I helped her whenever and however she needed me. (Sure, I wasn't ALWAYS there like NSIS would claim I should've been, but I really tried as hard as I could to do everything I could.)
And, in the end, the relationship was the same as it always was. Lopsided, off balance, and toxic. I do not miss the stress and the drama. I don't miss the fear of hoping she'll behave in front of my friends and family at important times in my life. I am not sad she is not at my sons' birthdays. She's mean and glares at people and can be intimidating. She is Unfriendly. I don't miss having to gloss over that and pretend she's not that way. I don't want to go back to the fear that she will hurt me or verbally abuse me (especially in front of my kids). I don't want to go back to my kiddos seeing me cry when I get off the phone. I don't want to go back to hyperventilating every time she called, as I never knew what to expect (some new HUGE crisis, or a verbal tongue lashing, or a lengthy discussion about how hard her life is while I tried- in vain- to console her.)
NM just doesn't get that. And I don't think she's every cared to ask me how I feel, what I need, or what my concerns are. Her concerns have always been for NSIS and doing what I can to placate NSIS. I think NM secretly fears NSIS going further off the deep end and expects me to help "anchor" NSIS....or at least, not provide provocation. I'm tired of stuffing myself down in order to prop up NSIS. And I don't want to do it anymore. And there is no way to explain that to NM. Sigh.
Showing posts with label triangulation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label triangulation. Show all posts
Friday, September 5, 2014
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Same is Ever
I think ACoNs have a sixth sense about when the narcs will circle. Really, it's not a sixth sense, but an incredible ability to "feel" the storm coming before it hits. Much like you can feel a thunderstorm coming before it arrives: the air changes, you can feel a "charge" in the wind, distant rumblings. All the birds go quiet. ACoNs have learned to pick up on these subtle clues and patterns. Even if we don't fully realize it, we start to feel a sense of unease about things.
These last few months I've been really sorting through some deeper layers of feeling about my mother. It was one thing to learn about narcissism and see the patterns, it was another to really feel my feelings about my relationship with my mother. To get past the grief and mourning and really have to acknowledge that she is who she is and will not change. To fully see, without blinders, how willingly she puts me in harm's way to save herself. How completely she disregards me as if I was completely invisible. A specter, a ghost that she thinks she sees, but really has no ability to see me as a real person.
Some of this has been triggered by events in my life and finally seeing how emotionally unavailable she is to me. Some of it has been triggered by, finally, reading the McBride Book "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." (I know, why haven't I read it before? Really, though, I think that it is more helpful now than it would've been if I'd read it first.)
Some of it has been triggered by my mother's behaviors. She has been, not so subtly, referencing my sister over and over. She brings her up in almost every conversation of length we have. Not directly, but just casual, "oh, your sister talked to so and so." Or including me in "group texts" that also include her. Most recently, she sent me a picture of my sister's new couch. Considering my sister and I have not spoken to each other in two years, this text was completely inappropriate in that context. When I didn't respond, she sent another text, saying she'd "sent the wrong picture" of the couch. What in the world did she expect me to say to that?
For those of you who don't know my back story (and you can go to the bottom and click the NSIS label to see posts pertaining to her, if you are interested in a more detailed version): my sister is highly self-destructive, most-likely bipolar with narcissistic overtones, verbally abusive, irresponsible, reactive, and angry. She is thoroughly enmeshed with my mother. She lies, manipulates, and is extremely reactive. Any attempts to really communicate with her are raged against, so true intimacy and connection are impossible. I spent years and years trying to "help" her, only to be completely disregarded, upstaged, and ignored when it wasn't about her. She has ignored (or created chaos) around the most important days of my life and nothing has every been about me with her. I have been her support system and I am a "tool" to be used by her, a "resource". My mother has always excused her and expected me to appease her despite my sister's escalating behaviors. Because I have "turned out OK" (I don't act out on my emotions) my mother has always minimized and invalidated any feelings. In any attempts I have had with my mother to address my issues with our relationship, she has gas lighted and twisted the conversation to make herself the victim. My feelings and point of view have never truly been addressed or acknowledged by either of them.
This all came to a head when my sister "announced" she had a very serious illness on FB, but then quickly deleted it. Enough people saw it, that it got back to me, but my sister never told me directly (and "the illness" is still up for debate in regard to it's severity and if it existed at all.) My sister finally "called me out" after two months for "not supporting" her during her time of need and it quickly dissolved into her screaming and raging at me (she'd been screaming and raging and lying to my father.) I tried in successive emails to begin a discussion about how dysfunctional our relationship was. She continued to rage, call me names, ignore my boundaries (only discussing by email), gas lighted, twisted, demeaned me, and then tried to "play pretend" and go on as usual (by asking my advice on a new bed she was buying -while taking money from my father to pay for her "bills" .) I'd had enough and chose to not continue the discussion. I was at a lose on how to proceed, as she doesn't seem to understand anything I say. I haven't really heard from her in months, and that was only a text of "Merry Christmas". She has sent random gifts to my kids (whom she sometimes acknowledges, sometimes doesn't and who she considers more of an extension of me than someone to have a relationship with), but only to one kid for his birthday and not the other. All of this seemed like lame attempts to "pacify" me.
NM and I have had a "cooling off" lately (mainly on my end) where I have remained detached in our communications. I'm not ignoring her, but I'm not really actively pursuing a relationship. After the situation yesterday (see previous post), I emailed her to figure out her schedule (and she again ignored that I was upset about something and blew me off, not that I expected her to do that.) Last night, I got this message: (And I usually don't like to directly copy messages, but in this case, I don't think the true nature of the message can be conveyed without the direct text. A few minor details have been concealed. My thoughts are in italics afterward. )
"Hey do you still have all those albums(records) from the 70's that your dad and I had." The "old" me would've said just "yes" and left it at that. But something in me told me that she was baiting me, and this time I decided to address that directly. And I actually couldn't remember if I had them. NM gave me boxes of old shit of her and my dad's years ago to "store" that she did not "want in her house anymore. This included all of the family photos of me and sister growing up.
Me: "Did I have them? If I did, I still would have them. Why?"
NM: "Well stupid question on my part, of course you have them. Lol (NSIS) has been buying old albums, and asked me if I had them still and if so she would like a few. Now that was not the best proper way to bring this up, but it is the best I know how. I don't remember what is in the inventory, except the good bad and the ugly.. I want that one, fits me. Lol. I think a (record title), (band name) album was there too.. I told her I am sure they can be spit up between you two..I am trying to write this the best I can, it is just hard when my daughters are not in contact with each other and I am the root of the problem. Please don't blame (NSIS) for the decisions she made in her life that were made because of my wrong decisions"
So, first, it occurred to me how easily I would've "missed" this bait line before. How she throws these things out there, hoping to snag me in a conversation and not just being upfront. And she is clearly aware of that.
Some other thoughts:
Why not just say "Do you have those records? If so, your sister wants some and can we divide them up." Done and done. But NOPE, she has to stir up drama and bring it back to our relationship. To me, I bet she's been looking for this opening for a LONG time.
Her continual "not the best way" business is annoying as hell. Of course it's not the best way. It's late at night, in a FB message, and not really relevant to what she wants to say. And the "it's just hard when my daughters are not in contact" is clearly ALL ABOUT HER. And then she says that she is the "root of the problem". That's news to me. She never takes responsibility. And I don't think she really is now either. If she wanted to take responsibility, or really discuss this, it wouldn't be tacked on to a fucking message about old records. HOW is she the root of the problem? Does she seem sorry? NO. It appears to me to be only a "victim" plea.
Then, she goes back into the same sort of bullshit, "don't blame NSIS, she knows not what she does." This is the same story I've heard over and over and over. Nothing is NSIS's fault. Which is A LOT of the reason NSIS is in the situation she is in now. NM has always infantilized her and never held her accountable. And I'm supposed to just "excuse" that. I might add that my sister is in her MID- THIRTIES. Far too old to be blaming "mommy" for her problems.
And really, even if I accept that excuse, where does that leave me? I see so much blame shifting here. So much avoidance of responsibility. Smoke and mirrors. And triangulating.
I thought, for one moment, that she was actually trying to make an attempt to change. And that sort of sucked too. After spending years trying to get past her, I wasn't keen on jumping back into that mess.
The whole message left me rolling my eyes. This, in and of itself, was a huge step for me. I felt mild annoyance, but not anger, not venom, not bitterness. I felt clear headed and unemotionally charged when I typed up my response.
Me: "(NSIS) has been a grown woman for a long time now, and any and all decisions she makes are by her own choices. We are not in contact now because she chooses to hurt me, disrespect me, and shows little consideration for me. Among other things. And it is a pattern that I have hoped would change as she grew up. It did not.
That being said, she is welcome to any and all of the records. I have told her before that I would give everything back to you and that you could then split it up. When you come down, you can grab them."
I was trying to be as "neutral" and "just the facts, ma'am" as I could. I didn't want to JADE, but wanted to be clear about my position on my relationship with NSIS. And frankly, I couldn't ignore the situation forever and stick my head in the sand.
NM replied: "Awwww..., I didn't want this to go this way...and it is really not about me. They will be split..I really do thank you for storing them, and it was wrong for me to put that on you. I really do apologize. .. Not asking you to forgive just know I am truly sorry.."
Go which way? WTF? I can see, maybe how she might have read "anger" in my reply, but it is a bit of a stretch. To me, she is "finding drama" in the message. And subtly suggesting I'm being reactive. And what did she expect me to say? To just "soften" and let "go of my grudge" (which I think is how she views this. That I'm just holding a grudge and that it can be all patched up with hugs and an apology. This relationship has gone off the track for 30 years. And it wasn't great to begin with.
And apologize for WHAT? Seriously, this is the lamest apology in the world if she is expecting it to make up for all the crap all these years. And really, I suspect she's apologizing for me storing her shit, and not for anything real. "I'm not asking you to forgive...." Really? I doubt that. And "truly sorry" for WHAT?
Then, she topped it off with this:
NM: "(NSIS) has been getting help for her choices and life decisions this past year, and I pray she has the life ahead she truly wants. ..I can't judge her for her decisions, as I know as more come out her reactions and choices for her life in the past were due to my immature decisions and how she reacted were different then how you reacted. Not to say you ever went without hurt and hardship, you handled them different. and not to stay you don't still don't have pain...I am not excusing (NSIS) nor is she excusing her decisions because of what I did, I just know things would be different if I had not made stupid choices. I hurt every day to what I caused...and never ever wanted to hurt my daughters or their relationship with each other..I hope someday you reunite. Love you!"
OK, starting from the top of this: NM starts out immediately minimizing NSIS's behaviors and "balancing" them out by saying she is "getting help". Getting help from who? The last time she told me that NSIS was getting help, NSIS was just doing yoga. And that was supposed to "help". And from what I've seen (several crazy FB posts that were completely nuts) NSIS hasn't changed at all. And even if she has, she has made NO attempts to actually work on our relationship. And also, that is NSIS's place to reach out, NOT NM's. "I can't judge..." I'm assuming that she is implying that I am judging NSIS. Clearly, by choosing to step out of NSIS's narcissistic reach, I am being judgmental and bitter, according to NM. "as more comes out....due to my immature decisions." Immature? WOW, that's a complete mischaracterization. You've all read my childhood, was she just "immature"? Again, sounds like excuses, just for NM this time. And the whole sentence there is convoluted. SHE won't judge and SHE knows the "real truth" and if I knew that "truth" (which she likes to withhold, but clearly likes to hint at. NM likes to be "in the know".) I wouldn't be so horrible and "hold it against" NSIS (and again, she's ignoring the fact that NSIS continually and habitually does horrible things to me). The next bit about how NSIS just "chose to react" differently and all she says about my pain and hardship feels completely minimizing to me. Like "I know you had some bad times, but CLEARLY NSIS's were worse. And so you need to get over it and help her." It's all about NSIS's issues, and mine couldn't clearly be as bad, and aren't worth talking about and it's the same as it ever was. This is the same. damn. pattern of our relationship that we've always had. Jessie's feelings, pain, issues, hardships don't really count. And while she "nods" in my direction, she doesn't really give a shit about what is really going on in my end of this situation. It's ALL about NSIS. NSIS is (finally) doing a teeny bit to get her life on track and I'm supposed to throw her a parade. And because I never inflicted my "pain" on NM or NSIS, than clearly it wasn't that bad.
And then NM again references "stupid choices". She didn't make stupid choices. She abandoned her kids, put her feelings first, ignored everything that was going on with us, inflicted emotional pain by forcing us to chose between "her feelings" and "not supporting her new marriage"- to the man she had an affair with, and has continued to make sure that EVERYTHING revolves around her. This was one stupid choice 20 years ago. This is a lifetime of being a selfish and self absorbed mother who can't empathize with her daughter to save her life. She has done nothing to remedy things, has never truly taken responsibility, or attempted to heal herself or work on things.
And even though, clearly, her mothering effected my sister, it does not excuse the years of her treating me horribly as adults. I tried and tried and tried to fix this relationship. And nothing worked. I tried to be OK with being completely marginalized, ignored, and verbally abused, manipulated, lied to and walking on eggshells. And I left because, at some point, it became her or me. So, yes, I can empathize with NSIS (and shouldn't NM be able to realize that? That I GET IT that NSIS has issues?) but I won't tolerate being abused by her because of it.
This last message left me tongue tied. Several things came to mind. And yes, part of me was angry. All I see here is a pity-party for poor NM who was really just a "victim" in her mind. How badly NM hurts. How Nm feels. What NM needs. And a lot of excuses for NSIS. A lot of asking me to completely brush my feelings and concerns under the rug and go back to the way it was (mainly for NM's sake, not for our own sakes.) I drafted several responses, but they clearly were reactive and I didn't want that. I wanted to respond in a way that made sure she knows that this sort of weak attempt at apologizing (and manipulating me) is not going to work. And that she knows her offering up an apology for my sister's shitty relationship with me is not acceptable. It is neither appropriate or OK. It is complete triangulation and an attempt to control the adult relationships of her daughters. And it's none of her business.
On a positive note, even though I am bothered by this email, I have not been leveled by it. I feel myself responding instead of just reacting to her behavior. I don't feel particularly hurt, although I am angry and annoyed (both feelings I allowed myself to feel and am trying to process and let go). Although there is lots of "pretenses" of caring her on my mother's part, I don't see any real change. This is how the relationship with my mother and sister had been all along. And NM is just working at being "peace" broker for her own needs (to feel good about herself, she loves to "rescue" and to make herself feel better about her "stupid choices"). She needs to learn to butt the fuck out. I did not feel sucked into her bullshit, although I did feel a moment of panic that she was trying to attempt a real relationship (that fear immediately went away after I read the whole exchange. There is no real effort on her part.)
I feel saddened by all of this, but not defeated (like I would have). But I do need advice on what to say next. I don't want to JADE. I don't want to explain. And I want her to butt the hell out. Any suggestions or thoughts? Anything is appreciated.
These last few months I've been really sorting through some deeper layers of feeling about my mother. It was one thing to learn about narcissism and see the patterns, it was another to really feel my feelings about my relationship with my mother. To get past the grief and mourning and really have to acknowledge that she is who she is and will not change. To fully see, without blinders, how willingly she puts me in harm's way to save herself. How completely she disregards me as if I was completely invisible. A specter, a ghost that she thinks she sees, but really has no ability to see me as a real person.
Some of this has been triggered by events in my life and finally seeing how emotionally unavailable she is to me. Some of it has been triggered by, finally, reading the McBride Book "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." (I know, why haven't I read it before? Really, though, I think that it is more helpful now than it would've been if I'd read it first.)
Some of it has been triggered by my mother's behaviors. She has been, not so subtly, referencing my sister over and over. She brings her up in almost every conversation of length we have. Not directly, but just casual, "oh, your sister talked to so and so." Or including me in "group texts" that also include her. Most recently, she sent me a picture of my sister's new couch. Considering my sister and I have not spoken to each other in two years, this text was completely inappropriate in that context. When I didn't respond, she sent another text, saying she'd "sent the wrong picture" of the couch. What in the world did she expect me to say to that?
For those of you who don't know my back story (and you can go to the bottom and click the NSIS label to see posts pertaining to her, if you are interested in a more detailed version): my sister is highly self-destructive, most-likely bipolar with narcissistic overtones, verbally abusive, irresponsible, reactive, and angry. She is thoroughly enmeshed with my mother. She lies, manipulates, and is extremely reactive. Any attempts to really communicate with her are raged against, so true intimacy and connection are impossible. I spent years and years trying to "help" her, only to be completely disregarded, upstaged, and ignored when it wasn't about her. She has ignored (or created chaos) around the most important days of my life and nothing has every been about me with her. I have been her support system and I am a "tool" to be used by her, a "resource". My mother has always excused her and expected me to appease her despite my sister's escalating behaviors. Because I have "turned out OK" (I don't act out on my emotions) my mother has always minimized and invalidated any feelings. In any attempts I have had with my mother to address my issues with our relationship, she has gas lighted and twisted the conversation to make herself the victim. My feelings and point of view have never truly been addressed or acknowledged by either of them.
This all came to a head when my sister "announced" she had a very serious illness on FB, but then quickly deleted it. Enough people saw it, that it got back to me, but my sister never told me directly (and "the illness" is still up for debate in regard to it's severity and if it existed at all.) My sister finally "called me out" after two months for "not supporting" her during her time of need and it quickly dissolved into her screaming and raging at me (she'd been screaming and raging and lying to my father.) I tried in successive emails to begin a discussion about how dysfunctional our relationship was. She continued to rage, call me names, ignore my boundaries (only discussing by email), gas lighted, twisted, demeaned me, and then tried to "play pretend" and go on as usual (by asking my advice on a new bed she was buying -while taking money from my father to pay for her "bills" .) I'd had enough and chose to not continue the discussion. I was at a lose on how to proceed, as she doesn't seem to understand anything I say. I haven't really heard from her in months, and that was only a text of "Merry Christmas". She has sent random gifts to my kids (whom she sometimes acknowledges, sometimes doesn't and who she considers more of an extension of me than someone to have a relationship with), but only to one kid for his birthday and not the other. All of this seemed like lame attempts to "pacify" me.
NM and I have had a "cooling off" lately (mainly on my end) where I have remained detached in our communications. I'm not ignoring her, but I'm not really actively pursuing a relationship. After the situation yesterday (see previous post), I emailed her to figure out her schedule (and she again ignored that I was upset about something and blew me off, not that I expected her to do that.) Last night, I got this message: (And I usually don't like to directly copy messages, but in this case, I don't think the true nature of the message can be conveyed without the direct text. A few minor details have been concealed. My thoughts are in italics afterward. )
"Hey do you still have all those albums(records) from the 70's that your dad and I had." The "old" me would've said just "yes" and left it at that. But something in me told me that she was baiting me, and this time I decided to address that directly. And I actually couldn't remember if I had them. NM gave me boxes of old shit of her and my dad's years ago to "store" that she did not "want in her house anymore. This included all of the family photos of me and sister growing up.
Me: "Did I have them? If I did, I still would have them. Why?"
NM: "Well stupid question on my part, of course you have them. Lol (NSIS) has been buying old albums, and asked me if I had them still and if so she would like a few. Now that was not the best proper way to bring this up, but it is the best I know how. I don't remember what is in the inventory, except the good bad and the ugly.. I want that one, fits me. Lol. I think a (record title), (band name) album was there too.. I told her I am sure they can be spit up between you two..I am trying to write this the best I can, it is just hard when my daughters are not in contact with each other and I am the root of the problem. Please don't blame (NSIS) for the decisions she made in her life that were made because of my wrong decisions"
So, first, it occurred to me how easily I would've "missed" this bait line before. How she throws these things out there, hoping to snag me in a conversation and not just being upfront. And she is clearly aware of that.
Some other thoughts:
Why not just say "Do you have those records? If so, your sister wants some and can we divide them up." Done and done. But NOPE, she has to stir up drama and bring it back to our relationship. To me, I bet she's been looking for this opening for a LONG time.
Her continual "not the best way" business is annoying as hell. Of course it's not the best way. It's late at night, in a FB message, and not really relevant to what she wants to say. And the "it's just hard when my daughters are not in contact" is clearly ALL ABOUT HER. And then she says that she is the "root of the problem". That's news to me. She never takes responsibility. And I don't think she really is now either. If she wanted to take responsibility, or really discuss this, it wouldn't be tacked on to a fucking message about old records. HOW is she the root of the problem? Does she seem sorry? NO. It appears to me to be only a "victim" plea.
Then, she goes back into the same sort of bullshit, "don't blame NSIS, she knows not what she does." This is the same story I've heard over and over and over. Nothing is NSIS's fault. Which is A LOT of the reason NSIS is in the situation she is in now. NM has always infantilized her and never held her accountable. And I'm supposed to just "excuse" that. I might add that my sister is in her MID- THIRTIES. Far too old to be blaming "mommy" for her problems.
And really, even if I accept that excuse, where does that leave me? I see so much blame shifting here. So much avoidance of responsibility. Smoke and mirrors. And triangulating.
I thought, for one moment, that she was actually trying to make an attempt to change. And that sort of sucked too. After spending years trying to get past her, I wasn't keen on jumping back into that mess.
The whole message left me rolling my eyes. This, in and of itself, was a huge step for me. I felt mild annoyance, but not anger, not venom, not bitterness. I felt clear headed and unemotionally charged when I typed up my response.
Me: "(NSIS) has been a grown woman for a long time now, and any and all decisions she makes are by her own choices. We are not in contact now because she chooses to hurt me, disrespect me, and shows little consideration for me. Among other things. And it is a pattern that I have hoped would change as she grew up. It did not.
That being said, she is welcome to any and all of the records. I have told her before that I would give everything back to you and that you could then split it up. When you come down, you can grab them."
I was trying to be as "neutral" and "just the facts, ma'am" as I could. I didn't want to JADE, but wanted to be clear about my position on my relationship with NSIS. And frankly, I couldn't ignore the situation forever and stick my head in the sand.
NM replied: "Awwww..., I didn't want this to go this way...and it is really not about me. They will be split..I really do thank you for storing them, and it was wrong for me to put that on you. I really do apologize. .. Not asking you to forgive just know I am truly sorry.."
Go which way? WTF? I can see, maybe how she might have read "anger" in my reply, but it is a bit of a stretch. To me, she is "finding drama" in the message. And subtly suggesting I'm being reactive. And what did she expect me to say? To just "soften" and let "go of my grudge" (which I think is how she views this. That I'm just holding a grudge and that it can be all patched up with hugs and an apology. This relationship has gone off the track for 30 years. And it wasn't great to begin with.
And apologize for WHAT? Seriously, this is the lamest apology in the world if she is expecting it to make up for all the crap all these years. And really, I suspect she's apologizing for me storing her shit, and not for anything real. "I'm not asking you to forgive...." Really? I doubt that. And "truly sorry" for WHAT?
Then, she topped it off with this:
NM: "(NSIS) has been getting help for her choices and life decisions this past year, and I pray she has the life ahead she truly wants. ..I can't judge her for her decisions, as I know as more come out her reactions and choices for her life in the past were due to my immature decisions and how she reacted were different then how you reacted. Not to say you ever went without hurt and hardship, you handled them different. and not to stay you don't still don't have pain...I am not excusing (NSIS) nor is she excusing her decisions because of what I did, I just know things would be different if I had not made stupid choices. I hurt every day to what I caused...and never ever wanted to hurt my daughters or their relationship with each other..I hope someday you reunite. Love you!"
OK, starting from the top of this: NM starts out immediately minimizing NSIS's behaviors and "balancing" them out by saying she is "getting help". Getting help from who? The last time she told me that NSIS was getting help, NSIS was just doing yoga. And that was supposed to "help". And from what I've seen (several crazy FB posts that were completely nuts) NSIS hasn't changed at all. And even if she has, she has made NO attempts to actually work on our relationship. And also, that is NSIS's place to reach out, NOT NM's. "I can't judge..." I'm assuming that she is implying that I am judging NSIS. Clearly, by choosing to step out of NSIS's narcissistic reach, I am being judgmental and bitter, according to NM. "as more comes out....due to my immature decisions." Immature? WOW, that's a complete mischaracterization. You've all read my childhood, was she just "immature"? Again, sounds like excuses, just for NM this time. And the whole sentence there is convoluted. SHE won't judge and SHE knows the "real truth" and if I knew that "truth" (which she likes to withhold, but clearly likes to hint at. NM likes to be "in the know".) I wouldn't be so horrible and "hold it against" NSIS (and again, she's ignoring the fact that NSIS continually and habitually does horrible things to me). The next bit about how NSIS just "chose to react" differently and all she says about my pain and hardship feels completely minimizing to me. Like "I know you had some bad times, but CLEARLY NSIS's were worse. And so you need to get over it and help her." It's all about NSIS's issues, and mine couldn't clearly be as bad, and aren't worth talking about and it's the same as it ever was. This is the same. damn. pattern of our relationship that we've always had. Jessie's feelings, pain, issues, hardships don't really count. And while she "nods" in my direction, she doesn't really give a shit about what is really going on in my end of this situation. It's ALL about NSIS. NSIS is (finally) doing a teeny bit to get her life on track and I'm supposed to throw her a parade. And because I never inflicted my "pain" on NM or NSIS, than clearly it wasn't that bad.
And then NM again references "stupid choices". She didn't make stupid choices. She abandoned her kids, put her feelings first, ignored everything that was going on with us, inflicted emotional pain by forcing us to chose between "her feelings" and "not supporting her new marriage"- to the man she had an affair with, and has continued to make sure that EVERYTHING revolves around her. This was one stupid choice 20 years ago. This is a lifetime of being a selfish and self absorbed mother who can't empathize with her daughter to save her life. She has done nothing to remedy things, has never truly taken responsibility, or attempted to heal herself or work on things.
And even though, clearly, her mothering effected my sister, it does not excuse the years of her treating me horribly as adults. I tried and tried and tried to fix this relationship. And nothing worked. I tried to be OK with being completely marginalized, ignored, and verbally abused, manipulated, lied to and walking on eggshells. And I left because, at some point, it became her or me. So, yes, I can empathize with NSIS (and shouldn't NM be able to realize that? That I GET IT that NSIS has issues?) but I won't tolerate being abused by her because of it.
This last message left me tongue tied. Several things came to mind. And yes, part of me was angry. All I see here is a pity-party for poor NM who was really just a "victim" in her mind. How badly NM hurts. How Nm feels. What NM needs. And a lot of excuses for NSIS. A lot of asking me to completely brush my feelings and concerns under the rug and go back to the way it was (mainly for NM's sake, not for our own sakes.) I drafted several responses, but they clearly were reactive and I didn't want that. I wanted to respond in a way that made sure she knows that this sort of weak attempt at apologizing (and manipulating me) is not going to work. And that she knows her offering up an apology for my sister's shitty relationship with me is not acceptable. It is neither appropriate or OK. It is complete triangulation and an attempt to control the adult relationships of her daughters. And it's none of her business.
On a positive note, even though I am bothered by this email, I have not been leveled by it. I feel myself responding instead of just reacting to her behavior. I don't feel particularly hurt, although I am angry and annoyed (both feelings I allowed myself to feel and am trying to process and let go). Although there is lots of "pretenses" of caring her on my mother's part, I don't see any real change. This is how the relationship with my mother and sister had been all along. And NM is just working at being "peace" broker for her own needs (to feel good about herself, she loves to "rescue" and to make herself feel better about her "stupid choices"). She needs to learn to butt the fuck out. I did not feel sucked into her bullshit, although I did feel a moment of panic that she was trying to attempt a real relationship (that fear immediately went away after I read the whole exchange. There is no real effort on her part.)
I feel saddened by all of this, but not defeated (like I would have). But I do need advice on what to say next. I don't want to JADE. I don't want to explain. And I want her to butt the hell out. Any suggestions or thoughts? Anything is appreciated.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Real Life Examples
For my friends out there, struggling with what is narcissism, here are some examples from my mother's recent visit which highlight her manipulative self. None of them, in and of themselves, means too much, but taken as a whole, they paint a picture of crazy. And keep in mind, these are just a few, a very few from this ONE weekend.
*The day my parents were set to arrive, I was noticing how beautiful it was in my town. My actual thought was "wow, it looks like Ireland here, it is so green, I'll bet NM comments on how green and pretty it is". When NM shows up, she gets to talking about the rain in her part of the state. "It's just green and lush, not like the rest of the state, which is so brown." I glance out the window. I say "You mean, between here and there, because it's pretty green outside, we've had lots of rain." "No" she says, "It looks brown here, compared to home." Um, OK. She goes on and on. And while I can agree she's partially correct, that between here and there is dry and brown, any fool can look out the window and see how beautiful it is here. But she won't let it go (and frankly, I couldn't really either. I mean the woman was insistent that my eyes were deceiving me.) It was pure competition (and really, who the fuck cares?). But I couldn't understand how she could think I would agree with her.
*She was showing me pictures one night that she'd taken at the party. She has one of my husband and MIL. MIL is cuddled up behind my husband and my skin crawls. I cringe. MIL does have a habit of clinging to my husband in pictures, but this is ridiculous. NM says "I know. I knew that you wouldn't like this one. I only took it to make her feel better." So, I try not to think about it and I don't want to bring it up to DH (all of this shit can get overwhelming, and really what would be the point of discussing it with him, the photos over). But I can't get past it, and I finally bring it up to DH. And as I'm describing the picture, I say-as I see him perk up to say something too-"and I'm sure MIL was partially hiding behind you." I mean, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL, but I could see there was something else going on in that picture. I mean, the woman was in her swimsuit, an uncomfortable time to take a picture for any woman, but more so for MIL who is really uncomfortable with her body. (I might add that NM refused to swim, I'll cover that one later). DH tells me "Well, actually, she was hiding behind me." He concedes that MIL can cling to him, but then tells me that NM actually pushed the picture on them. That NM kept saying "move closer". That NM pushed the picture even though they didn't want it. NM made it sound, to me, like she was being kind, giving into MIL's need for attention (interesting that NM can spot that in MIL). I was outraged. Again, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL and she's a big girl who could have said no. But it makes me angry that she pushed her into being uncomfortable. That she pushed her into doing something she wouldn't do herself. That NM knew the picture would upset me, but not only took it but set up the situation to take it and then show it to me. And then she hid it behind MIL's attention getting. In the past, I never really believed my mother was a liar who set people up. Clearly she is. It's taken a lot for that to sink in this past week.
*The party was at a pool (obviously). When NM was here, I told her that and said that it would be fine if she and step father (who hates swimming) didn't want to participate in that part of the party. I had hoped she would, as I could have used her help and she's never had an issue swimming with the kids before, but I would have been fine with them not. I said to let me know, because I had a certain amount of people who could be let into the pool area. This, I could tell, annoyed her. I could almost read her mind: I was being cheap by not just paying for her and letting them decide. For me, I don't know why she couldn't just make a damn decision and had to play it out. So, two days before the party I get a text that she's had a small medical procedure and will just "put" her "toes in". Maybe she had the damn procedure. Who knows? She made a big deal of sending step dad up for antibiotic cream for it one morning (but not surprisingly, not the next morning). She must have felt she had to "prove" it to me. Anyway, what bugged me was why she couldn't just say, "I don't want to swim. Would it be OK for me to just come in and take picture and watch." Cool. That would have been fine. Why all the drama? Why the subterfuge? Seriously? Over something this small. Oh, and she sent me a text saying "If you've already paid for me, I'll be glad to pay you back." You know, because I'm petty and cheap.
*DH, NM, and I were sitting on the deck. I went into the house to refresh my drink. I was gone for five minutes. NM immediately told DH she would soon be visiting my sister, that sister and her (abusive) boyfriend are in counseling, and that sister is having another "biopsy" for her mystery illness. At least, sister is supposed to have this. I've been giving strict orders to not discuss NSis with NM (from NSis herself). So, I don't discuss her. I dislike that NM was feeding (and triangulating) my husband information to give to me. I hate that she uses him like that. And, for fuck sake, I was gone five minutes! She purposely had me "over hear" part of the conversation, which I ignored. (And as a side note, when she had DH alone another time, she was pumping him for information about a family situation that is none of her business. And yes, DH and I did talk about not giving her information. I hate feeling like I'm keeping secrets or with holding, but I know the information will be used against me.)
*NM brought up a painful, childhood memory for me of a time I fucked up really badly. She wondered aloud "Now, I went over and helped you..." and then described, in detail, events that never happened. When I corrected her, she said "Oh, that's right, I came over and..." and then described how she "fixed" something for me. Again, not true. In fact, if she'd done what she'd said, the situation wouldn't have been a fuck up for me. AND, she would have helped me cover something up. AND, I wouldn't have the memory of her shaming me for being an embarrassment for this fuck up.
*NM talked about how she was telling a coworker how difficult teenagers are. How teenage girls can be such a pain in the ass, with all their "hormones" and such. This isn't the first time she's brought this up. Clearly, as she speaks, she seems to forget that she's discussing ME, her daughter who was once a teenager. She also seems to forget that during my teenage years she was abandoning me and my sister, fucking around having an affair, leaving us on weekends, and divorcing my dad for a "better dad" (yes, she once told me she divorced my dad because she thought this man would make a better dad). I hardly lived with her (I lived with my dad for a year and then I "lived" at my boyfriends my senior year. I didn't actually live there, but crashed on their couch and lived out of a duffel bag for 5-7 nights of the week). I didn't sneak out, I didn't drink (much), I didn't do drugs. Yes, there were some fucked up things that happened, but she doesn't think for a moment that maybe it was a reaction to our parents divorcing in a horrific and ugly way, my mother running off every weekend, and the extreme reactions of my father to the divorce. Nope, we were just horrible, little teenage shits. This statement enrages me so much that I have to leave the room.
*NM snarks that she doesn't get to really get to know my kids "when she only sees them twice a year". Um, I had just seen her twice in ONE month. But, OK. Believe what you like.
*NM makes a huge deal of needing another grandchild. She has gone on and on about how hard my pregnancies are on her. But now, she keeps hinting that she was expecting a pregnancy announcement. She says she needs "a little girl to be my companion when I come up" because my sons "favor" my step dad (they don't really, but they are starting to figure out that NM sucks the life out of you). She guilts and guilts me.
*I'm discussing a gift I'm got for my son. I say that, if he liked it, I found the rest of the set of toys at the discount store and I was going to get them for him. She, clearly not listening, says "I'll have to see if I can find them. Write down the names so I know." I sigh. This is common for her to hear whatever the hell she wants to. And she's distracted by trying to force my son into wearing the hat she bought him so she can take a picture. I'm trying to distract her from doing that. I let it go though instead of argue that she she's misheard (this is a futile effort, as she NEVER hears that she isn't paying attention and misheard me. She just keeps repeating what she thinks she heard). I figure she didn't hear anything of what I said, but later she asks for the name of the trucks. I'm sure she bitched that, after all she bought for my son, I was expecting more.
*She poses my kids in "selfies" (those phone pictures people take of themselves.) with her. She's always saying "hold your head closer to mine" and other such commands. Then she posts them with saccrine descriptions of how close she is with the kids.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Really, the weekend was exhausting. It's like standing on a tennis court and having a wooden spoon to use as a racket while a ball machine lobs tennis balls at your head, all day. I can't say I was sorry to see her go.
*The day my parents were set to arrive, I was noticing how beautiful it was in my town. My actual thought was "wow, it looks like Ireland here, it is so green, I'll bet NM comments on how green and pretty it is". When NM shows up, she gets to talking about the rain in her part of the state. "It's just green and lush, not like the rest of the state, which is so brown." I glance out the window. I say "You mean, between here and there, because it's pretty green outside, we've had lots of rain." "No" she says, "It looks brown here, compared to home." Um, OK. She goes on and on. And while I can agree she's partially correct, that between here and there is dry and brown, any fool can look out the window and see how beautiful it is here. But she won't let it go (and frankly, I couldn't really either. I mean the woman was insistent that my eyes were deceiving me.) It was pure competition (and really, who the fuck cares?). But I couldn't understand how she could think I would agree with her.
*She was showing me pictures one night that she'd taken at the party. She has one of my husband and MIL. MIL is cuddled up behind my husband and my skin crawls. I cringe. MIL does have a habit of clinging to my husband in pictures, but this is ridiculous. NM says "I know. I knew that you wouldn't like this one. I only took it to make her feel better." So, I try not to think about it and I don't want to bring it up to DH (all of this shit can get overwhelming, and really what would be the point of discussing it with him, the photos over). But I can't get past it, and I finally bring it up to DH. And as I'm describing the picture, I say-as I see him perk up to say something too-"and I'm sure MIL was partially hiding behind you." I mean, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL, but I could see there was something else going on in that picture. I mean, the woman was in her swimsuit, an uncomfortable time to take a picture for any woman, but more so for MIL who is really uncomfortable with her body. (I might add that NM refused to swim, I'll cover that one later). DH tells me "Well, actually, she was hiding behind me." He concedes that MIL can cling to him, but then tells me that NM actually pushed the picture on them. That NM kept saying "move closer". That NM pushed the picture even though they didn't want it. NM made it sound, to me, like she was being kind, giving into MIL's need for attention (interesting that NM can spot that in MIL). I was outraged. Again, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL and she's a big girl who could have said no. But it makes me angry that she pushed her into being uncomfortable. That she pushed her into doing something she wouldn't do herself. That NM knew the picture would upset me, but not only took it but set up the situation to take it and then show it to me. And then she hid it behind MIL's attention getting. In the past, I never really believed my mother was a liar who set people up. Clearly she is. It's taken a lot for that to sink in this past week.
*The party was at a pool (obviously). When NM was here, I told her that and said that it would be fine if she and step father (who hates swimming) didn't want to participate in that part of the party. I had hoped she would, as I could have used her help and she's never had an issue swimming with the kids before, but I would have been fine with them not. I said to let me know, because I had a certain amount of people who could be let into the pool area. This, I could tell, annoyed her. I could almost read her mind: I was being cheap by not just paying for her and letting them decide. For me, I don't know why she couldn't just make a damn decision and had to play it out. So, two days before the party I get a text that she's had a small medical procedure and will just "put" her "toes in". Maybe she had the damn procedure. Who knows? She made a big deal of sending step dad up for antibiotic cream for it one morning (but not surprisingly, not the next morning). She must have felt she had to "prove" it to me. Anyway, what bugged me was why she couldn't just say, "I don't want to swim. Would it be OK for me to just come in and take picture and watch." Cool. That would have been fine. Why all the drama? Why the subterfuge? Seriously? Over something this small. Oh, and she sent me a text saying "If you've already paid for me, I'll be glad to pay you back." You know, because I'm petty and cheap.
*DH, NM, and I were sitting on the deck. I went into the house to refresh my drink. I was gone for five minutes. NM immediately told DH she would soon be visiting my sister, that sister and her (abusive) boyfriend are in counseling, and that sister is having another "biopsy" for her mystery illness. At least, sister is supposed to have this. I've been giving strict orders to not discuss NSis with NM (from NSis herself). So, I don't discuss her. I dislike that NM was feeding (and triangulating) my husband information to give to me. I hate that she uses him like that. And, for fuck sake, I was gone five minutes! She purposely had me "over hear" part of the conversation, which I ignored. (And as a side note, when she had DH alone another time, she was pumping him for information about a family situation that is none of her business. And yes, DH and I did talk about not giving her information. I hate feeling like I'm keeping secrets or with holding, but I know the information will be used against me.)
*NM brought up a painful, childhood memory for me of a time I fucked up really badly. She wondered aloud "Now, I went over and helped you..." and then described, in detail, events that never happened. When I corrected her, she said "Oh, that's right, I came over and..." and then described how she "fixed" something for me. Again, not true. In fact, if she'd done what she'd said, the situation wouldn't have been a fuck up for me. AND, she would have helped me cover something up. AND, I wouldn't have the memory of her shaming me for being an embarrassment for this fuck up.
*NM talked about how she was telling a coworker how difficult teenagers are. How teenage girls can be such a pain in the ass, with all their "hormones" and such. This isn't the first time she's brought this up. Clearly, as she speaks, she seems to forget that she's discussing ME, her daughter who was once a teenager. She also seems to forget that during my teenage years she was abandoning me and my sister, fucking around having an affair, leaving us on weekends, and divorcing my dad for a "better dad" (yes, she once told me she divorced my dad because she thought this man would make a better dad). I hardly lived with her (I lived with my dad for a year and then I "lived" at my boyfriends my senior year. I didn't actually live there, but crashed on their couch and lived out of a duffel bag for 5-7 nights of the week). I didn't sneak out, I didn't drink (much), I didn't do drugs. Yes, there were some fucked up things that happened, but she doesn't think for a moment that maybe it was a reaction to our parents divorcing in a horrific and ugly way, my mother running off every weekend, and the extreme reactions of my father to the divorce. Nope, we were just horrible, little teenage shits. This statement enrages me so much that I have to leave the room.
*NM snarks that she doesn't get to really get to know my kids "when she only sees them twice a year". Um, I had just seen her twice in ONE month. But, OK. Believe what you like.
*NM makes a huge deal of needing another grandchild. She has gone on and on about how hard my pregnancies are on her. But now, she keeps hinting that she was expecting a pregnancy announcement. She says she needs "a little girl to be my companion when I come up" because my sons "favor" my step dad (they don't really, but they are starting to figure out that NM sucks the life out of you). She guilts and guilts me.
*I'm discussing a gift I'm got for my son. I say that, if he liked it, I found the rest of the set of toys at the discount store and I was going to get them for him. She, clearly not listening, says "I'll have to see if I can find them. Write down the names so I know." I sigh. This is common for her to hear whatever the hell she wants to. And she's distracted by trying to force my son into wearing the hat she bought him so she can take a picture. I'm trying to distract her from doing that. I let it go though instead of argue that she she's misheard (this is a futile effort, as she NEVER hears that she isn't paying attention and misheard me. She just keeps repeating what she thinks she heard). I figure she didn't hear anything of what I said, but later she asks for the name of the trucks. I'm sure she bitched that, after all she bought for my son, I was expecting more.
*She poses my kids in "selfies" (those phone pictures people take of themselves.) with her. She's always saying "hold your head closer to mine" and other such commands. Then she posts them with saccrine descriptions of how close she is with the kids.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Really, the weekend was exhausting. It's like standing on a tennis court and having a wooden spoon to use as a racket while a ball machine lobs tennis balls at your head, all day. I can't say I was sorry to see her go.
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