I'm writing this, mainly, as a record of birthday celebrations past. I've found it is helpful to see patterns and look back at the "record" to get a full idea of what has been going on. And as I've thought back to birthdays past, I'd forgotten a lot of what went on. So, you are welcome to read, but know that it may be a bit....well, it may not be the best read. Some of this is duplicate information. And mostly, I'm writing it because I need to get it out of my head and written down.
NM generally reserves her attention seeking to before or after the parties (she stays the weekend, so she gets in her digs during that time). During the parties, she generally, plays the doting mother and grandmother. She can be helpful. But that's mainly because she knows how I like to do things. However, she ALWAYS has to put her own stamp on the party. Sometimes that means buying extra decorations and things. Sometimes that means "suggesting" how to decorate...such as moving a table six inches to the left, or something else ridiculous. She did this too at my wedding: when I asked her how my makeup was, she had to grab the brush and "adjust" my eye shadow. I didn't need her help, but she had to look like she put on the finishing touches, make herself feel special. She also rarely really helps at the party. She doesn't help serve, or get more food, or clean up. Ever. NM also makes huge deals about the gifts she gives. She starts asking for lists months in advance. Then she asks for "more" ideas. Then, she generally gets what she wants. Then, she acts put out by the things I suggest, but begrudgingly gets them. I get a million texts, emails, and phone calls to discuss the gifts she's getting.
NM does, however, keep MIL in check somewhat. MIL's usual boisterous, loud, and brash demeanor is subdued by NM. I find this very, very interesting. I've come to believe that MIL likes to be the alpha female in any room, and if she's not, she withdraws and becomes reserved. She tiptoes around and hangs on the periphery. The seem to circle each other at arm's length. And even when they do talk, it's stiff and awkward. NM clearly likes this and makes sure to revel in her dominance. NM, however, likes to use her interactions with MIL to hurt me. Last year, despite MIL behaving horribly and NM saying MIL was behaving badly, NM stated "well, she's always nice to me, asking about my job and things." NM often says she feels pity for MIL because MIL seems to suffer "from low self esteem". And at the last party, NM forced MIL to pose for a picture in her bathing suit (something she knows is upsetting to MIL). NM made sure to show me the picture later, in which MIL was cuddled up with my husband. It made my stomach hurt and NM knew it. She said she took the picture to make "MIL feel good." Why, in the hell, would she need to make MIL feel good? Later, when comparing notes with DH, I found out that NM had pushed MIL into the picture, insisting she get "closer" to DH. Ick.
Also, I have a "friend" who, very recently, claimed she wished that we hung out more and so enjoyed hanging out with me. We've been friends for 10 years (our husbands were friends first), but despite enjoying each other's company, she seems to be hard to connect with. She seems to understand how hard my family issues are, and was one of the first people to validate me, but she always seems to disappear at these things. She has blown off the party at the last minute for a funeral, a "business meeting" with her SIL and MIL (at a resort), and a camping trip. Of course, these are legitimate excuses....they just seem to always happen. For this weekend, she somehow can't make it home from a camping trip in time for the party (despite making it home for a party at her neighbors' when we were camping in the same spot). I'm hurt that she's, again, found something else to do with her time.
DS's birthday #1: The stress started weeks in advance. There was pressure on me to invite all of MIL's sisters to the party. I refused. I felt that if I invited one set of aunts I had to invite all of our parents' siblings. That would be too many people. And, I didn't want a ton of people at the party. I wanted it small and intimate....it was a party for a one year old. Anyway, we get a call from MIL's sister, offering to "help" because she knows how "stressed out Jessie" gets at these things. I can only assume MIL made an "excuse" for me not inviting everyone because I get too stressed out. It was awkward to say, "um no thanks" and by the way, you're not even invited. In discussing the party with my father, he told me I was rude for suggesting an ending time to the party. I scheduled out three hours (during lunch) to accommodate my son's nap in the afternoon. Apparently, it's rude to suggest a one year old can only handle a limited party.
The day of the party came and I worked hard to get everything ready in time (as well as nurse and feed my son and squeeze in a morning nap for him). Noon, the time of the party came, and no one was there. No one. I watched the clock tick as NO ONE showed up. Finally, MIL and FIL showed up around 30 minutes later. She was a hurricane if noise and chaos when she came in. They had FIL's mother with them (something MIL was annoyed I made them do) who needs help and so we got her settled. MIL blows in with the food she'd made (I had allowed it to make her feel involved) crumpling up the tinfoil and tossing it in the middle of the buffet and pushing aside the food I'd carefully arranged on the table. Then, she and FIL ask for tools, as they aren't finished putting DS's gift together. They spend the next HOUR putting the thing together in another room from the party. We had food to BBQ and were waiting to feed everyone....but no one was there to feed. When she gets the gift together, she trots it out and makes a big deal about what a great gift she bought. She doesn't mention that the idea for the gift came from me. I don't need the credit, but I hate that she takes boasts and takes credit.
Finally, more of DH's family shows up (his grandparents and another BIL and SIL) but we are still waiting for DH"s "closest" brother and his wife and my niece (the only other child at the party). We wait. And wait. And wait. DH tells me his mother told him that SIL's mother had to go to the hospital. So, a bit later, when they show up I ask if her mother is OK. What are you talking about? she asks. Her mom is fine. I ask DH how he heard that....and before we are fully aware of the narcy behavior surrounding us, he offers up that he must've "misheard" his mother. I suggest that's a hard thing to mishear. He says "well, maybe I lied." Um, no, DH does not lie. Ever. He's just not that kind of guy. It's clear he's covering for MIL.
Later, SIL tells me that they were late because she had been angry at MIL. She was mad that they'd stopped by her house first and brought the grandmother when her house wasn't clean and organized. She said she was so mad, that she had to stay away from the party. I'm blown away. How the hell do you avoid your nephew's party because you are mad at your in-laws. She acts like it's no big deal.
DS's birthday 2: Honestly, this party was so crazy I can't even remember what happened. We had just moved and, due to weather, had to move the party from the park to my house last minute. It was stressful. I know my in-laws were all late and blew in like a tornado.. I know no one offered to help me. I know that my niece was allowed to jump around and off my furniture while my in-laws laughed and guffawed loudly. It was chaos.
DS's birthday 3: SIL and BIL arrive on time, but SIL "forgot" their swimsuits. So, SIL leaves to go get them. When she comes back, she finds me and says "are you mad that I left?" I'm not sure why she would think I was mad at her for forgetting something. But as I look back, I think, what an odd thing to say. Was she trying to piss me off?
I also had my new infant son, which both grandmother's were demanding to take. DH had strict orders to not allow my son to be passed around like a party favor and was keeping him close, to which NM said he was being "stubborn". I found that both grandmother's wanted the baby to avoid helping me, look like they were helping, and using the opportunity to look like a doting grandmother.
The only other incident at this party was with some friends who became flustered when their kid threw a fit that I wouldn't allow him in the extra food packed under the table. I had a full table of food, but this kid wanted to get into the food underneath. His parents don't believe in saying "no" and, probably, it wasn't that big of a deal. But I didn't understand why this kid should be allowed to take an entire new bag of chips to himself when their was perfectly good food on the table (and the exact same chips). I felt guilty and horrible, but ignored it.
DS's #2, First Birthday: Again, everyone is late. MIL calls an hour before the party to invite a very distant relative (her uncle, whom I've maybe met once) to my son's very small family party. He wanted to stop by, she couldn't say no, and so she calls to see if he can just come to the party. She asks DH and knows that he really can't say no. The guys already on the way. I'm pissed because it's difficult for her to focus on her grandson if she's trying to "catch up" with her uncle during a one hour party. During the party, she introduces the relatives to everyone BUT ME. I finally introduce myself. MIL stands and discusses my home, my view, our life with this aunt and ignores the fact that I am, again, doing everything myself. MIL keeps hinting (as I walk past doing things) about different parts of my house, like she wants me to give a tour. Because I'm not doing anything else.
MIL is annoyed because she had to bring FIL's mother (my insistence, partially because I like the lady, partially because it will give MIL a time frame to get her back to the nursing home and force MIL to leave). MIL always acts put out about FIL's mother and clearly keeps her distance.
At the end of the party, after everything is cleaned up (literally, you could look around the room and see everything was done, not to mention everyone SAW me doing it all) MIL offers to help me clean up. I look around and say "it's all done." She says " no, really, I'll help." I laugh and look around again and say "it's all done." This is a habit. She never offers any real help, often sitting and watching me five feet away as I do it. She's plopped my niece down with me to eat, while I'm taking care of my two other kids and expected me to help her too. She thinks nothing of having me do it all.
During gift opening, I went to get my camera, leaving both sons with the gifts (I had told older son he could "help" his brother by handing him gifts so that he felt included.) When I returned, niece and nephew are ripping into DS's gifts. NM starts shooing them back (she can be handy at times). I keep trying to get the kids back (as note, other children at the party are kindly sitting back). BIL and SIL finally grab their kids back, but I get the distinct impression I'm a "hard ass". (BIL prides himself on being "laid back". ha.)
DS #1 Fourth Birthday: MIL and FIL show up (on time) with my niece and nephew in tow. I'm surprised, because BIL and SIL aren't with them. MIL explains they had shopping to do and would be there later but had them bring the kids. Not a big deal, but it's awful hard for MIL and FIL to fully be grandparents to my son at his birthday if they are watching the other grandkids. BIL and SIL finally show up (we are at a park) and seem to circle the periphery. Neither greets me or my husband and neither greets my son. They seem tense. At this point, no one has bothered to feed my nephew (I guess everyone assumes someone else is doing it) and he is trying to get at food I have stashed under the table. I'm busy trying to set up and I keep having to remove him from under the table (where I have the cake stashed too). He's two and I'm afraid he will get into the cake and no one is helping. I finally get a bit firm with him and he runs crying to SIL, who comforts him but doesn't correct him at all. And no one gets him food.
Things get more and more tense as SIL seems to stop around from her car, to my MIL to the splash pad. I'm not sure what's going on, but me, DH, and NM all pick up on the drama. I figure she's pissed that I told her kid to get out of the food (and maybe I'm a hard ass about this, since I've had two incidences, but seriously, shouldn't kids be expected to stay out of put away things and shouldn't their parents offer them the food-the same food- that's on the table?). The next thing I know, she stomps up to my son, who is about 15 feet away from me and tells him "Happy Birthday. I have to take (nephew) home for a nap." and leaves, taking BIL with her. They'd been there for maybe 45 minutes. Maybe. And no word to either of us. I suspect she and her husband were fighting, but what has that got to do with us? Suck it up for awhile. (And for the record, she and her DH fight like this a lot and then everyone has to pay for it.)
MIL is telling everyone about how difficult FIL's mother's (yup the same one who annoys her) very recent death is. She tells every adult at the party-within ear shot of me- the graphic details of the poor woman's death. She talks about how she "knew my MIL" and how she stepped in and took charge. What a saint she was. It made me sick. First off, who discusses the last days of the birthday boy's grandparent AT HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY?! LOUDLY?! SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR? And her on going narrative of what a wonderful caretaker she was makes me want to vomit. She disliked this woman (she told me so herself). The old lady annoyed her because she repeated stories (the old lady had dementia) and it bored her. She told me once how she avoided her whenever she could. But suddenly, she was the saint of nursing this poor woman. Again, MIL and FIL are in charge of my niece and so unable to fully participate with my kids (not that I mind, but if I did, it sure would piss me off how BIL and SIL monopolize the grandparents).
OH, and shortly before the party, NSIS announces she has "cancer"...or something...or is sick. I missed the FB post, so I'm still not sure. Of course, this directly draws all attention back to her. She again, misses DS's birthday (I think she's acknowledged one, and that was way after the fact). She ALWAYS has some reason she can't focus on the kids on their birthdays.
DS #2, Second Birthday: Again, MIL and FIL are LATE. They NEVER show up on time. Again, she thunders in, loudly exclaiming how it was construction, not her, that made them late. Sure. She and FIL are instantly in charge of niece and nephew. I'm not sure why. But SIL and BIL are cuddled up away from their kids, eating. (They have been dieting, so I'm guessing this was their "cheat" day).
Luckily, I have wised up by this point and pick a party venue that leaves us limited "party time" and on a schedule. We have a small amount of time and then a kids' activity. Of course, FIL and MIL are in charge of my niece and nephew into the pool (SIL meanders around awhile, visiting, before she gets into the pool with her kids).
It's not a horrible party, but it's certainly not "celebratory" but the kids had fun.
So, on the eve of another, I sit here wondering what will happen. Maybe nothing? Doubt it. I did pick another venue that limits narcy behavior, but we'll see.
NM already is playing the "guess when I'm going to show up game". She used to require an hourly text when I was driving to visit her. When I tried to push the boundary back a bit, she got annoyed. And so now, she doesn't bother to let me know at all. And she often shows up and peers in the windows at the back of my house. She thinks it's funny (and if I protest, she makes fun of how "uptight" I am. This woman who requires complete privacy for herself.). And I can't ask her when she's coming because she uses that against me: a sign that I'm "controlling" and "overbearing". She and step dad laugh at me. So, I sit here, waiting for the bomb to drop.
Wish me luck. If you're still reading ;)
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Friday, August 23, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Phonies
After my last post, something Kara said got me thinking more about my anger towards my MIL. What exactly it is that pisses me off.
I've said before how much I dislike phoniness in people. I spoke before of my BIL (her son and "mini-me", a term I hate, but actually feel is apt here) and how fake and superficial he is. How he is all surface and, in my opinion, has little depth.
MIL is a bunch of window dressing too. In all honesty, I really know very little about what MIL really likes or cares about. She projects being a devout Christian. She projects being very connected to her family. She loves when people envy her "close" family and point out how wonderful we all are. She likes the "best" of things. Not necessarily the most expensive or fanciest things. But she likes to be "in the know". She likes to be trendy and be the first one to know about things. She loves to recommend restaurants and wines and resorts. She is easily swayed by other's opinions. If someone she respects (or even someone she feels is knowledgeable says something, she believes it and adopts their opinion for herself. She rarely questions something. It doesn't matter if how she personally feels about something. If someone tells her a wine is awesome, she will say it is awesome too. I've seen her quickly take on my husband's opinions about all kinds of things. If he likes a wine or a beer, she likes it. If he is eating a food, she has to try it and proclaim how much she LOVES it (she is often overly extreme in her descriptions of things. Things are THE BEST. Or she LOVES something.) She wants to fit in. She does very little thinking for herself. DH and I have often joked that he could hand her a glass of rancid wine, and if he talked it up enough, she too would proclaim it to be wonderful. She has been spoon fed her beliefs on religion by her parents and never questions. In fact, I rarely see her question anything from certain people in her life. She is easily swayed by those she deems authorities. However, if someone (often me) expresses an alternative opinion, she has to prove I'm wrong. She does not have an ability to allow for multiple opinions to be "right". She is very, very black and white. I used to blame a lot of this on, what I believe to be ADHD. But it just kept being more than that. MIL is flighty. She flits from interest to interest (and is always, coincidentally involved in anything her kids are involved in: sports, travel, wine. Their interests are now her interests). I've never seen her stick with anything except church, and even then she has waffled in her "convictions" as her preacher son expressed doubts. She even has moved churches recently, with little explanation, despite being very devoted to her church several years back. She loves get rich quick schemes and is a dreamer. And talent of mine she notices, she instantly proclaims that I should do that for a profession. I know of not one single interest, hobby, or idea that she has come to in her own way. And consequently, nothing sticks. Nothing has been a constant in her life.
When I first met her, she was very self assured in her way being the right way. She badgered me. She pushed me. In my opinion, she bullied me. Subtly. She has a keen ability to undercut people's character or appearance in an extremely subtle way. She bossed me around relentlessly. DH used to say it's because she was the mom of four boys and just was used to being in charge. So, she just took charge of me too. She expected me to just do what she wanted. I was desperate to please her and tried hard to be respectful. She didn't raise children but directed them on paths she found to be right. She had an opinion about everything I did and did not allow for much dissent. She wanted me to be married in the same month as she, she pushed for the god-awful veil that she wanted me to wear and then criticized the one I wanted. She pushed relentlessly for grand children. Despite me continued attempts to explain why I wasn't ready, she pushed. Once, she even told me that she wanted grand children because all her friends had grand children. Oh, well then, I'll get right on that. Because there is no better reason to have kids than for their grandmother to "fit in" with her friends. And she told me I was expected to have the first grandchild and told SIL she had to wait for me and DH to have that child before they could have one. I never understood why, except that that was the way MIL wanted it to be. Or God told her that was the way it should be. Such crap. She decided who was ready and who wasn't to have kids. She pushed me to create a home and life for my kids that was the same as the one she had created for DH. It was like she wanted to recreate DH's childhood through me and DH. She bought all DH's work wardrobe when he graduated college. She called him to regulate his brothers. She put family decisions on DH's shoulders, so to avoid blame herself should it back fire. She manipulated in whispers behind my back and DH's back. She tried to create a hierarchy with DH in charge of the family, something that caused extreme resentment from my SIL.
It would've been easier at this time to stand up to her. I wish, desperately at times, that I could go back and stand up to her. Put my foot down. But any sort of dissent on my part got her angry. And I didn't want to get her angry. I wanted her to like me. I felt at the time such a strong tearing inside of me. I was trying so hard to be myself, but I knew the more I tried to be myself, the more upset she got. Anything I said that she didn't like was met with a snarky laugh that came off like she was teasing me, but was meant to express her anger at me. But in a way no one could call her on. She huffed a lot. And most of that was lost on DH. He didn't see then (and still struggles to see) her subtle expressions of disdain or anger. How her huffs and eye rolls and quiet, sneaky secret whispers just out of ear shot got to me. He told me to just let it go and ignore it like he did. But I couldn't.
After awhile, she realized she couldn't control me. I also believe she felt DH's loyalty starting to shift. So, she seemed to adopt the policy of becoming like me. Because, after all, if DH thought so highly of me, there must be something to that. So, she started adopting my tastes, my hobbies, my talents for herself. And that's where the phoniness came in. She started complimenting me all the damn time. But the thing is, the compliments where never really about me, but rather something she coveted in me. I've never heard the woman say "Jessie, you are a really good..." All her compliments, to everyone, begin with "I think you are good at." Every, single one begins with the "I think" statement. It is all in relation to her opinions on things. Even when she's told me she is bragging to someone else about me, she says "MY DIL, is so good at...". It drives me crazy. She's attempting to control me by winning me over now. She thinks that by telling me she likes my toe nail polish or the color I picked for my walls or some other trivial piece of crap, I'll think she is a nice person. This is also how she tries to get to my kids. She tells them "grammy thinks you are so smart. Grammy thinks you are so athletic." She's trying to make them think she is being complimentary to them and make them like her more. But she's still setting them up to cater to her opinions of things. If "grammy" likes something you do, then you get a compliment. She compliments my shoes or my earrings, while at the same time proclaiming she's going to get some for herself. Instead of trying to make me her, she is trying to be me. I guess, she assumes that I'll then like her more? It seems so stupid to me. But I'm not a narc.
But the part that makes me angry is that she has be in a bind. She never insults me directly. She's never been out and out rude (although I think she's been rude a million times, it's just easy for other's to explain away. "She didn't mean it like that") or called me names or spoke negatively about me without couching it in "I'm concerned" terms. She compliments me. And, although I know these compliments are fake and phony, and an attempt to control my feelings towards her, how the hell do you call someone on that? How do you say, when you told me my toe nail polish was nice, you were being an ass? I would sound like a loon. And she knows that.
I can't not be the bad DIL, because there is nothing to point to. What I can point to seems petty. My NM and NSis are obviously bitchy at times. I have clear evidence of them being assholes. MIL hides her asshole-ery amongst "love" and "concern" and fake bullshit compliments. She hides her controlling nature behind wanting to help. On the rare occasion that she still snarks, it comes so far out of left field that I don't see it coming (not too very long ago, my husband was talking to her and FIL about her babysitting my niece and how my BIL and SIL had become overly-dependent on grandparents to help them care for their kids. MIL snapped "well, I'd do babysit for you too, but you don't want me to." We all knew the comment was directed at me. It was accusatory and made her out to be a victim of sorts. She also knew that I couldn't get into a discussion about her babysitting without getting into a discussion about the deeper issues in our relationship. We were in her house, she had DH and FIL to (in her mind) back her up. She was looking for a fight, or at the least to put me in my place and express her anger at me in a way that I wasn't prepared to discuss. She was also looking to deflect any guilt she felt about being overly involved with my niece back on to me. These situations come up a lot. She turns any sort of "attack" that she feels back onto me being somehow wrong. It makes it extremely difficult to discuss anything. And for what it's worth, she had never once discussed being upset about not babysitting to me before this comment nor in the three years since -in which I still haven't let her babysit. She has never, once, confronted me directly about anything. It's either behind my back, in a snarky passive-aggressive way to my face, or she pretends that she is not upset.) She is always shucking and jiving, to borrow a phrase from some other bloggers. You can not pin her down on anything without her turning it back on me, stomping off and getting defensive, or ignoring it all together. I can't confront her, but she won't confront me either. And she also has an amazing ability to do these things when no one else is around to see it. It's hard to prove something that no one else sees.
What makes me angriest is to see her perpetuating this phoniness onto my kids. She has a certain enraptured smile, with half closed eyes as she rocks and hums and holds my kids (or my niece and nephew) that makes me want to slap her. I can clearly see it isn't because she is making a connection with the kids or feeling love, but rather because she is pulling off the narc supply they provide her. They make her feel love, they make her feel special. She is getting her physical attention needs met. It is not about providing loving, physical contact to the kids (hence, she often misses the cues that the kids are over it.) Although she isn't malignant or nasty to the kids, she does try to control the relationships. She has pushed for my son and my niece to be super close. She labels my son as "all boy" despite knowing little about who he is. She doesn't send him little cards or stickers in the mail the way the other grandmas do. In fact, when she is not with him (and often when she is) she pays him little to no attention. She can not have meaningful interactions with him. When he was a young baby, she literally held his fingers and pushed the buttons on a toy in order to "teach" him how it worked. She had no concern for him learning how to do it, or giving him an experience, or working within his abilities to experience something with him. Recently, she wanted to start up a conversation with him (about something she had heard about through FIL. DH rarely talks to MIL. And it was clear that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about because of the way she refrenced this thing.) I should give her credit for starting a conversation because, mostly, she talks at him or about him to us, never to him. So, we were all in the swimming pool, my son floats by and she tries to start this indepth conversation about this toy with him. He just said "yeah" (because all of her questions are yes/no and never open ended or asking about his opinions, shocker) and kept going. Luckily, I don't think she's doing any harm to him, because she is such a non-entity. My brilliant, with a remarkable memory, son often calls her the wrong name. He sees her most often and he has NO trouble with any other grandparents' names (even ones he rarely sees) but he frequently calls her another grandmother's name. But I'm keeping my eye out. I'm waiting. I'm sure it won't take long for her negativity to pop out and I'm waiting.
But the thing is, everyone else sees a loving grandmother. A grandmother who is being denied the "right" to babysit her grand kids. (For new readers, not only do I keep her from watching my kids because I don't think she will listen at ALL to the instructions I give her, but she struggles seriously with safety issues. She's very unfocused (ADD) and does not think ahead for risks. I've seen it time and again with my niece and nephew. She also has no ability to read emotional cues in my sensitive and subtle children. She also gets defensive if I suggest how to do something or "miss-hears" me. She struggles to listen to me in the first place and when I have asked her to do things in the past, she rarely does things the way I ask. I'm not a control freak, but I do have some ways of doing things that I would expect her to follow.). I believe I am seen as controlling, unwilling to let go of my kids, and bitter by others. It has created some serious frustration for me.
She's just slippery, I guess, and I'm frustrated. This is a woman who offers to help me clean up a party that I've cleaned up (while she sat and watched). A woman who apologizes to my husband when she's wronged me. A woman who loves to look like a loving grandmother, but it is all loving in one direction: towards her. Everything she does with the kids is to get them to love and care for her. She compliments me on phony things and when I credit someone else for the things the thing she complimented me on, she suddenly looses interest in washing me with her praise. She appears good and kind and thoughtful and helpful. I appear mean and bitchy and grudge-holding. I appear to be bitter and holding onto typical DIL bullshit. I appear to be denying her her grand kids, her son, and the close family. I am to blame for the turmoil in the family because I insist on being different (or difficult, depending on who you ask). I am the one choosing to not be in the family, rather than her pushing me out as punishment for not conforming.
Not seeing her is not an option. DH is not willing to lose his relationship with his father or extended family. Calling her out right on shit causes a scene. Although that's where I am at with her (and even then I think she senses this and has started "tiptoeing" around me like I am some ticking time bomb). Any suggestions? Any thoughts? How do you pin a snake down? How do you deal with such underhanded passive-aggressiveness? How do I maintain my sanity? How do I not deck her when she gets that smarmy, "serene", ah look my whole family is together look?
And as an after note: When I first met MIL, I thought she was a bit rude and mean. I thought she was thoughtless and flaky and unfocused. I chalked it up to her having ADHD. Clearly, she just misses social cues, I thought. She speaks before she thinks. She is unfocused and doesn't mean to be thoughtless. I bought DH's excuse that, as the mom of four boys, she just had a more "masculine" approach to things (despite being raised with four girls and the fact that my grandmother, who also raised four boys wasn't like this). The teasing and making fun of people and the family picking on people was "normal" with boys. That's just how they were. I bought the family excuse that she was just scattered and having to corral four wild (and ADHD) boys made her controlling and bossy. I kept assuming she didn't mean to hurt my feelings.
But things never fully added up. When she was told she hurt someone's feelings, she didn't apologize. She didn't change her ways (and thanks Kara for recently pointing this out on your blog). She just kept doing it. And so many, many things couldn't be explained away by ADHD and mothering boys.
When I found the 25 Characteristics of NMs, I was reading it in relation to my mother. What I found was that I kept saying, oh, that's MIL! Many of the criteria applied to her. So much so, that even DH couldn't deny it. He did say that my NM was more "obvious" and that his wasn't "that bad" (because he misses her subtle nature). I doubted myself for a long time about her being a narcissist. But I just can't find any other way to explain her than with this: she is an emotional child, self-centered, and self-absorbed who can't put anyone else above herself. She is a narcissist.
I've said before how much I dislike phoniness in people. I spoke before of my BIL (her son and "mini-me", a term I hate, but actually feel is apt here) and how fake and superficial he is. How he is all surface and, in my opinion, has little depth.
MIL is a bunch of window dressing too. In all honesty, I really know very little about what MIL really likes or cares about. She projects being a devout Christian. She projects being very connected to her family. She loves when people envy her "close" family and point out how wonderful we all are. She likes the "best" of things. Not necessarily the most expensive or fanciest things. But she likes to be "in the know". She likes to be trendy and be the first one to know about things. She loves to recommend restaurants and wines and resorts. She is easily swayed by other's opinions. If someone she respects (or even someone she feels is knowledgeable says something, she believes it and adopts their opinion for herself. She rarely questions something. It doesn't matter if how she personally feels about something. If someone tells her a wine is awesome, she will say it is awesome too. I've seen her quickly take on my husband's opinions about all kinds of things. If he likes a wine or a beer, she likes it. If he is eating a food, she has to try it and proclaim how much she LOVES it (she is often overly extreme in her descriptions of things. Things are THE BEST. Or she LOVES something.) She wants to fit in. She does very little thinking for herself. DH and I have often joked that he could hand her a glass of rancid wine, and if he talked it up enough, she too would proclaim it to be wonderful. She has been spoon fed her beliefs on religion by her parents and never questions. In fact, I rarely see her question anything from certain people in her life. She is easily swayed by those she deems authorities. However, if someone (often me) expresses an alternative opinion, she has to prove I'm wrong. She does not have an ability to allow for multiple opinions to be "right". She is very, very black and white. I used to blame a lot of this on, what I believe to be ADHD. But it just kept being more than that. MIL is flighty. She flits from interest to interest (and is always, coincidentally involved in anything her kids are involved in: sports, travel, wine. Their interests are now her interests). I've never seen her stick with anything except church, and even then she has waffled in her "convictions" as her preacher son expressed doubts. She even has moved churches recently, with little explanation, despite being very devoted to her church several years back. She loves get rich quick schemes and is a dreamer. And talent of mine she notices, she instantly proclaims that I should do that for a profession. I know of not one single interest, hobby, or idea that she has come to in her own way. And consequently, nothing sticks. Nothing has been a constant in her life.
When I first met her, she was very self assured in her way being the right way. She badgered me. She pushed me. In my opinion, she bullied me. Subtly. She has a keen ability to undercut people's character or appearance in an extremely subtle way. She bossed me around relentlessly. DH used to say it's because she was the mom of four boys and just was used to being in charge. So, she just took charge of me too. She expected me to just do what she wanted. I was desperate to please her and tried hard to be respectful. She didn't raise children but directed them on paths she found to be right. She had an opinion about everything I did and did not allow for much dissent. She wanted me to be married in the same month as she, she pushed for the god-awful veil that she wanted me to wear and then criticized the one I wanted. She pushed relentlessly for grand children. Despite me continued attempts to explain why I wasn't ready, she pushed. Once, she even told me that she wanted grand children because all her friends had grand children. Oh, well then, I'll get right on that. Because there is no better reason to have kids than for their grandmother to "fit in" with her friends. And she told me I was expected to have the first grandchild and told SIL she had to wait for me and DH to have that child before they could have one. I never understood why, except that that was the way MIL wanted it to be. Or God told her that was the way it should be. Such crap. She decided who was ready and who wasn't to have kids. She pushed me to create a home and life for my kids that was the same as the one she had created for DH. It was like she wanted to recreate DH's childhood through me and DH. She bought all DH's work wardrobe when he graduated college. She called him to regulate his brothers. She put family decisions on DH's shoulders, so to avoid blame herself should it back fire. She manipulated in whispers behind my back and DH's back. She tried to create a hierarchy with DH in charge of the family, something that caused extreme resentment from my SIL.
It would've been easier at this time to stand up to her. I wish, desperately at times, that I could go back and stand up to her. Put my foot down. But any sort of dissent on my part got her angry. And I didn't want to get her angry. I wanted her to like me. I felt at the time such a strong tearing inside of me. I was trying so hard to be myself, but I knew the more I tried to be myself, the more upset she got. Anything I said that she didn't like was met with a snarky laugh that came off like she was teasing me, but was meant to express her anger at me. But in a way no one could call her on. She huffed a lot. And most of that was lost on DH. He didn't see then (and still struggles to see) her subtle expressions of disdain or anger. How her huffs and eye rolls and quiet, sneaky secret whispers just out of ear shot got to me. He told me to just let it go and ignore it like he did. But I couldn't.
After awhile, she realized she couldn't control me. I also believe she felt DH's loyalty starting to shift. So, she seemed to adopt the policy of becoming like me. Because, after all, if DH thought so highly of me, there must be something to that. So, she started adopting my tastes, my hobbies, my talents for herself. And that's where the phoniness came in. She started complimenting me all the damn time. But the thing is, the compliments where never really about me, but rather something she coveted in me. I've never heard the woman say "Jessie, you are a really good..." All her compliments, to everyone, begin with "I think you are good at." Every, single one begins with the "I think" statement. It is all in relation to her opinions on things. Even when she's told me she is bragging to someone else about me, she says "MY DIL, is so good at...". It drives me crazy. She's attempting to control me by winning me over now. She thinks that by telling me she likes my toe nail polish or the color I picked for my walls or some other trivial piece of crap, I'll think she is a nice person. This is also how she tries to get to my kids. She tells them "grammy thinks you are so smart. Grammy thinks you are so athletic." She's trying to make them think she is being complimentary to them and make them like her more. But she's still setting them up to cater to her opinions of things. If "grammy" likes something you do, then you get a compliment. She compliments my shoes or my earrings, while at the same time proclaiming she's going to get some for herself. Instead of trying to make me her, she is trying to be me. I guess, she assumes that I'll then like her more? It seems so stupid to me. But I'm not a narc.
But the part that makes me angry is that she has be in a bind. She never insults me directly. She's never been out and out rude (although I think she's been rude a million times, it's just easy for other's to explain away. "She didn't mean it like that") or called me names or spoke negatively about me without couching it in "I'm concerned" terms. She compliments me. And, although I know these compliments are fake and phony, and an attempt to control my feelings towards her, how the hell do you call someone on that? How do you say, when you told me my toe nail polish was nice, you were being an ass? I would sound like a loon. And she knows that.
I can't not be the bad DIL, because there is nothing to point to. What I can point to seems petty. My NM and NSis are obviously bitchy at times. I have clear evidence of them being assholes. MIL hides her asshole-ery amongst "love" and "concern" and fake bullshit compliments. She hides her controlling nature behind wanting to help. On the rare occasion that she still snarks, it comes so far out of left field that I don't see it coming (not too very long ago, my husband was talking to her and FIL about her babysitting my niece and how my BIL and SIL had become overly-dependent on grandparents to help them care for their kids. MIL snapped "well, I'd do babysit for you too, but you don't want me to." We all knew the comment was directed at me. It was accusatory and made her out to be a victim of sorts. She also knew that I couldn't get into a discussion about her babysitting without getting into a discussion about the deeper issues in our relationship. We were in her house, she had DH and FIL to (in her mind) back her up. She was looking for a fight, or at the least to put me in my place and express her anger at me in a way that I wasn't prepared to discuss. She was also looking to deflect any guilt she felt about being overly involved with my niece back on to me. These situations come up a lot. She turns any sort of "attack" that she feels back onto me being somehow wrong. It makes it extremely difficult to discuss anything. And for what it's worth, she had never once discussed being upset about not babysitting to me before this comment nor in the three years since -in which I still haven't let her babysit. She has never, once, confronted me directly about anything. It's either behind my back, in a snarky passive-aggressive way to my face, or she pretends that she is not upset.) She is always shucking and jiving, to borrow a phrase from some other bloggers. You can not pin her down on anything without her turning it back on me, stomping off and getting defensive, or ignoring it all together. I can't confront her, but she won't confront me either. And she also has an amazing ability to do these things when no one else is around to see it. It's hard to prove something that no one else sees.
What makes me angriest is to see her perpetuating this phoniness onto my kids. She has a certain enraptured smile, with half closed eyes as she rocks and hums and holds my kids (or my niece and nephew) that makes me want to slap her. I can clearly see it isn't because she is making a connection with the kids or feeling love, but rather because she is pulling off the narc supply they provide her. They make her feel love, they make her feel special. She is getting her physical attention needs met. It is not about providing loving, physical contact to the kids (hence, she often misses the cues that the kids are over it.) Although she isn't malignant or nasty to the kids, she does try to control the relationships. She has pushed for my son and my niece to be super close. She labels my son as "all boy" despite knowing little about who he is. She doesn't send him little cards or stickers in the mail the way the other grandmas do. In fact, when she is not with him (and often when she is) she pays him little to no attention. She can not have meaningful interactions with him. When he was a young baby, she literally held his fingers and pushed the buttons on a toy in order to "teach" him how it worked. She had no concern for him learning how to do it, or giving him an experience, or working within his abilities to experience something with him. Recently, she wanted to start up a conversation with him (about something she had heard about through FIL. DH rarely talks to MIL. And it was clear that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about because of the way she refrenced this thing.) I should give her credit for starting a conversation because, mostly, she talks at him or about him to us, never to him. So, we were all in the swimming pool, my son floats by and she tries to start this indepth conversation about this toy with him. He just said "yeah" (because all of her questions are yes/no and never open ended or asking about his opinions, shocker) and kept going. Luckily, I don't think she's doing any harm to him, because she is such a non-entity. My brilliant, with a remarkable memory, son often calls her the wrong name. He sees her most often and he has NO trouble with any other grandparents' names (even ones he rarely sees) but he frequently calls her another grandmother's name. But I'm keeping my eye out. I'm waiting. I'm sure it won't take long for her negativity to pop out and I'm waiting.
But the thing is, everyone else sees a loving grandmother. A grandmother who is being denied the "right" to babysit her grand kids. (For new readers, not only do I keep her from watching my kids because I don't think she will listen at ALL to the instructions I give her, but she struggles seriously with safety issues. She's very unfocused (ADD) and does not think ahead for risks. I've seen it time and again with my niece and nephew. She also has no ability to read emotional cues in my sensitive and subtle children. She also gets defensive if I suggest how to do something or "miss-hears" me. She struggles to listen to me in the first place and when I have asked her to do things in the past, she rarely does things the way I ask. I'm not a control freak, but I do have some ways of doing things that I would expect her to follow.). I believe I am seen as controlling, unwilling to let go of my kids, and bitter by others. It has created some serious frustration for me.
She's just slippery, I guess, and I'm frustrated. This is a woman who offers to help me clean up a party that I've cleaned up (while she sat and watched). A woman who apologizes to my husband when she's wronged me. A woman who loves to look like a loving grandmother, but it is all loving in one direction: towards her. Everything she does with the kids is to get them to love and care for her. She compliments me on phony things and when I credit someone else for the things the thing she complimented me on, she suddenly looses interest in washing me with her praise. She appears good and kind and thoughtful and helpful. I appear mean and bitchy and grudge-holding. I appear to be bitter and holding onto typical DIL bullshit. I appear to be denying her her grand kids, her son, and the close family. I am to blame for the turmoil in the family because I insist on being different (or difficult, depending on who you ask). I am the one choosing to not be in the family, rather than her pushing me out as punishment for not conforming.
Not seeing her is not an option. DH is not willing to lose his relationship with his father or extended family. Calling her out right on shit causes a scene. Although that's where I am at with her (and even then I think she senses this and has started "tiptoeing" around me like I am some ticking time bomb). Any suggestions? Any thoughts? How do you pin a snake down? How do you deal with such underhanded passive-aggressiveness? How do I maintain my sanity? How do I not deck her when she gets that smarmy, "serene", ah look my whole family is together look?
And as an after note: When I first met MIL, I thought she was a bit rude and mean. I thought she was thoughtless and flaky and unfocused. I chalked it up to her having ADHD. Clearly, she just misses social cues, I thought. She speaks before she thinks. She is unfocused and doesn't mean to be thoughtless. I bought DH's excuse that, as the mom of four boys, she just had a more "masculine" approach to things (despite being raised with four girls and the fact that my grandmother, who also raised four boys wasn't like this). The teasing and making fun of people and the family picking on people was "normal" with boys. That's just how they were. I bought the family excuse that she was just scattered and having to corral four wild (and ADHD) boys made her controlling and bossy. I kept assuming she didn't mean to hurt my feelings.
But things never fully added up. When she was told she hurt someone's feelings, she didn't apologize. She didn't change her ways (and thanks Kara for recently pointing this out on your blog). She just kept doing it. And so many, many things couldn't be explained away by ADHD and mothering boys.
When I found the 25 Characteristics of NMs, I was reading it in relation to my mother. What I found was that I kept saying, oh, that's MIL! Many of the criteria applied to her. So much so, that even DH couldn't deny it. He did say that my NM was more "obvious" and that his wasn't "that bad" (because he misses her subtle nature). I doubted myself for a long time about her being a narcissist. But I just can't find any other way to explain her than with this: she is an emotional child, self-centered, and self-absorbed who can't put anyone else above herself. She is a narcissist.
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