Several years ago, I was spending some holiday time with my in-laws. We'd been together for several days. My family had decided to come down to this resort for a couple of days too to spend time with me.
My sister's birthday had been the day before. My family had taken us all our to dinner to celebrate our birthdays, as our birthdays are one right after the other.
The next day, my family left. NMIL decided she wanted to celebrate her son's birthday. His birthday was a week away. It was my actual birthday. It was very clear at the dinner that the it was to celebrate BIL's birthday. She ordered him a special dessert (oh, and get Jessie one too). Sang Happy Birthday to him first (then they sang to me). Made a big deal out of him. And then tacked me on too. And it was my actual birthday.
Birthdays are not a big deal to me (well, my birthday isn't.) Having a sibling with a birthday so close to mine and being after the holiday season, my birthday has always kind of been just one more celebration. NM was relatively good about trying to make it special for me. But after everything else, my birthday was like trying to drink when you have a bad hang over. Your heart's just not in it. Plus, NSis and I had to share things a lot. Sometimes, I got the second half of the cake. A lot of the times, we got similar gifts. So, I watched her open her (my) gifts, and then had to wait a day to open mine. But I was used to it.
The dinner with NMIL really pushed me over the edge though. With NSis, I was at least always treated as equal in the celebration. Having NMIL make someone else MORE important than me, celebrating someone else, and begrudgingly celebrating me too ON MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY made me feel like shit.
It's all those little things that just add up over the years.
Some times you have to grin and bear it. Any body with eyes would see what was what. So let her show her ass to the world.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it seems a bit petty. I mean, it's just a damn dinner. But it really wasn't about it being my birthday or his or sharing or whatever.
DeleteShe's always "ranked" family members in her mind. You know, concentric circles of importance. I ranked somewhere behind the dog. Or with the dog. Seriously. And she did a million little things to point it out to me. "You're second tier Jessie." And the thing is, I don't even think that she would think she was doing anything wrong. She and hers come first. And then she wondered why I always felt like an outsider. Why I didn't just fall into the fold. It was something I always felt from her. And this dinner, where her thoughts and feelings were clearly on display, just cemented it for me. I had assumed, that on my birthday, I wouldn't get cast as a secondary player. I mean, how dare I think that my birthday might be about me.
I get it. As much as I like to stoop to their level and wallow and sling mud with them, if you do she'll just point at you and turn it all back.
ReplyDeleteI am guy. Remember we like to try and fix things.
But there's no fixing this.
I am all about turning it back on them. But you are working a crowd that can turn on you in a heart beat. Even in your own home.
If you could ever find a way to set off a rage. Like catching her away from the others and calling her a skanky bitch and then acting like nothing happened.
I don't know luv. It just sucks.
Well, that would be fun. Thanks for the idea. It gave me a good laugh, thinking about doing that.
DeleteNext year this could be you.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=BgXDYiHhp5Y&NR=1
Haha! Thanks, Q
DeleteI can empathize with you on this one... My mother asked me to watch my cousin's daughter so they could take them out to dinner for their anniversary...The catch...It was my anniversary, too.
ReplyDeleteWell, wasn't THAT sweet.
DeleteI think we all have these birthday/anniversary stories, right? And it never ceases to amaze me how many different ways the narcs can come up with to ruin people's special days. They are pretty creative. Gotta hand it to 'em for that.
I am SO SERIOUS why oh why aren't people FILMING these narcs?? In YOUR home, a nanny cam (hidden in an easy spot) would be FABULOUS. Then you have proof. At least you could show it to your husband or whoever.
ReplyDeleteI've been advocating this for so long. We treat them SO much better than they treat us. It doesn't LOWER us to their level. It's protective and a great defense. Absolute PROOF of assholiness.
P.S. Jessie, this is so fucked up - it ISN'T petty. It's like being pecked to death by ducks. They are just so relentless. I know it isn't the ONE birthday, or the ONE other thing, it's all of them together.
ReplyDeleteThe straw that broke the camels back was, after all, only another straw. No heavier than the other gabillion straws that came before.
Thanks Gladys.
DeleteThere always is a straw isn't there. Just one too many straws before we finally have to say, "ENOUGH."
DeleteI keep asking myself, why? And then I end up going round and round in circles about it - why they feel the need to be so damned cruel, why they think they can get away with it, why so few people call them out on it or try and stop them, why why why?
It's cruel and unnecessary and ugly.
Sometimes you hear stories about family members that had had a disagreement and didn't speak to each other for 20 years but then reconcile and become good friends again. I always think that those stories are never about narcissistic people but of mega stubborn and strong willed people. When a relationship with a Narcissist dies it's not because any one disagreement or offense, it's more like you said : " all those little things that just add up over the years." Those "little things" become such a big body of evidence that there's just no way of denying the reality anymore.
ReplyDeleteI remembered another time when I first was dating DH. I went to stay with his family. They have a 5 bedroom house. When we got there, all the boys (HER SONS) got their rooms. NMIL even made a deal about DH getting his old room. I got to sleep on a pull out coach in the office. The office was more like a closet, stacked high with junk and storage. I thought, wow, way to make a guest feel comfortable. I mean, she wouldn't have wanted to ever put HER BOYS out. And I'm not a picky house guest or anything. It's just moments like these that always seemed to clearly draw a line between me and them. I never understood how when I was relegated to the bottom tier, I was supposed to feel like a valued family member.
ReplyDelete