Rolling Around In My Head

BIL's wedding had not started off well.  DH and I had tried to tell MIL and FIL that if he and his fiance were not "grown up" enough to take any responsibility for their wedding, that maybe they should be rethinking a marriage.  We pointed out that, maybe, this pattern might continue if they didn't require this couple to grow up...even a little bit.  MIL developed tears (she excused herself to the bathroom to start crying, but made sure she showed up before she'd finished) and FIL became upset, telling me that I had had help too, just as much as they were getting (which was untrue and completely missed the point, but rather, implied I was jealous), and families help out.

The wedding was over budget.  The couple was spoiled and demanded things that my in-laws couldn't afford.  Her family was useless.  My SIL was taking the opportunity to be the "helper" and the "good SIL" offering to do everything and be the matron of honor.  MIL was doing everything and paying for everything (I  believe she was sneaking money to them too) and complaining.  She was also paying for all of DH's other, grown up (and married) siblings travel and accommodations too.  She was testy, to say the least.

I tried to stay above the fray as much as possible.  I avoided the "shopping" trips and hung out with DH and did what I was required to do, but nothing much more than that.  I had said my peace, was in trouble for it, and was just trying to stay away from it all.  DH and I forked over more than our share, and way more than anyone else was paying.  But we were expected to, as we were "better off" (another untruth).  There was tension and anxiety and fights.  It sucked.

But MIL was determined to hang the family together.  She arranged a tour of the local wine valley.  Everyone was to go.  She had FIL were driving everyone else and they paid for most everyone else's wine tasting fees.  I had no say in when or where we stopped, what we saw, or what we did.  But, as it was a road trip through wine country, I could deal with that.  Whatever, I thought, they'll be wine, and I'll survive.

But, I had asked to stop at one winery owned by a good friend of my boss's.  I had had this wine many times, my boss spoke highly of him, and I wanted to see the winery for myself.  It was the only thing (DH even verifies this now) I had asked of the whole damn trip.   Also, if this had been a winery owned by someone who had ties to the in-laws we would've stopped in an instant.  They love to be on the "inside" of things and they would've felt they somehow had a connection to this person and would have loved the attention that would bring.  It's happened many times before (and is actually quite common for the people from DH's hometown.  ANY person, with ANY connection to this town is a source of HUGE pride for these people.)

Anyway, the grumblings started from the beginning.  The tasting wasn't free.  And more so, it was expensive, in their opinion.  Well, fine, everyone has their own opinion.  So, they decide to split the tastings between two people to save money.  For the record, the damn tasting cost $5 a person.  This was the 10th or so winery we had hit.  We'd all spent a lot of money travelling to the wedding in the first place.  Five bucks wasn't going to make or break anyone.  And really, then don't get the damn tasting and wait until the next winery (five minutes away).  But no.  The made sour faces at the wine.  Grumbled about.  Pouted.  Especially MIL.  This clan of usually loud and boisterous and over the top people moped until we left.

As we left, MIL sidled up to DH.  They were walking not more than 10 feet behind me, so I could hear every word.  She knew I could hear what she was "whispering".

Geez, she complained, wasn't that EXPENSIVE.  I can't believe they would charge that much.

Um, DH says.  He's kind of ignoring her.

Don't YOU think it was expensive?  Don't you think he charges too much?  Don't you think that was a waste of our time?

Now, I'm recalling this from memory, so I'm sure these aren't the exact words she spoke.  But I do remember a lot of it.  And I remember her point.  She was pissed and she wanted DH to agree with her.  She frequently uses the phrase "don't you agree..." to buffer her comments.

I remember being angry at the time.  But this memory pops up now and I'm so much more angry.  I'm speculating here, but this is my take one what the hell she was trying to do.  First, she was angry (and actually FIL was angry) at all the money they were spending.  And she felt that the money for the wine was too much.  But instead of directing her anger where it should have been, she directed it at me.  The easy target.  And she's trying to goad DH into agreeing with her.  Because she knows that if he agrees with her, that it's a mark against me (the spoiled snob....which is so fucking ironic, since I am not a snob and grew up poor).  She's trying to unload all of her bullshit onto me, the easy place to dump it.

It's clear to me that her point was to "get me" because the damn tasting was already done.  What is the point of bitching at that point?  It's clearly not to discourage us from trying the wine.  It's to make me look like the bad guy, subtly and in a round about way.  If she didn't want to pay the damn fee, take some responsibility and don't pay the fee.   Was she trying to make a point about me getting my way?  About me having some say so?  Probably.  See, DH, see what happens when Jessie has some input?  We pay, we are inconvenienced.  Don't you agree that Jessie transgressed against the family and was wrong, DH?  And by doing it in ear shot, she's really saying it to me.

I know this moment isn't a really big deal.  But it's little moments like this that weigh on me.  They roll around in my head and have been coming back to me in waves.  I was annoyed and pissed at the time, but I'm really angry now as I can see this bullshit for what it really was.  The sly bullshit manipulations.  The attempts to paint me as an asshole.  The attempts to "convince" DH and keep him in the fold.  The pressure for him to agree with her.  And really, why can't we have different opinions?  Huh?  Why can't she be OK with DH feeling differently about it?  It pisses me off that she dumped her anger about spending money onto me.  That with all the damn money DH and I were spending (they also stiffed us on a bill for food later in the weekend; she forced DH and I pony up for other people's tab.  It was classic.) that we somehow were causing her problems.  That instead of yelling at the assholes who actually were gobbling up her money or putting her foot down or discussing FIL's anger at spending all the money with HIM, she took the opportunity to shit on me.  (She also held me accountable for ordering too much chicken.  The lady who can't listen to me ordered FULL chickens, instead of the pieces of chicken she had told me they were.  She also told BIL to order them, but then didn't trust him to do it, so she ordered it herself.  When she showed up, she had 60 roasted chickens instead of chicken pieces.  Guess who's fault that was?  Yup, me, because I gave her advice.)

I did manage to turn around and say something.  I'm not sure what that something was, but it stopped the conversation.  And I know it was nothing that I really wanted to say.  I wish, so badly,  I could go back and tell her all the things I wanted to tell her.  Hey, MIL, I'm sorry these 15 minutes about me inconvenienced you so damn bad.  I'm sorry that you refused to take responsibility and not open your wallet.  It sucks that your kids sponge off of you and you had to pay their fee, but that sure isn't my responsibility.  No one forced you to stop here, no one forced you to drink, and no one forced you to pay.  You did that all of your own accord and you had every opportunity to stop.  DH is allowed to feel however he wants to about it, and he did this for me.  Because it was important to me.  So quit making him feel badly for "indulging" his wife one damn thing in the midst of this huge circus you call family.

But I didn't say that.  And I can't go back.  And I can't stop these memories from coming and wishing I'd done them differently.  And I can't stop recalling all of the little ways she has manipulated and conned me and my husband for the last 15 years.   And it pisses me off that she still gets away with it.  That she can do these crazy little things and no one has ever called her on it.