A "Grandparents" Prayer

MIL posted this on her FB page yesterday and it instantly made my stomach knot up:



Sure, it seems nice enough.  She followed it with a big "AMEN!"  But the thing is, she has no action to follow up this prayer. 

The bottom section, in particular is the one that got me:  "May they look back upon me with fond memories and may they never forget that they were and always will be deeply loved by me." 

First, these little "grandparents quotes" on FB drive me crazy as it is.  They often seem to be less about the child and more about the grandparent.  Sort of "may they always remember how AWESOME I was!!"  They seem to be praying more about what they want someone else to do than what they want God to help them with.  MIL seems to have this mentality a lot.  She's told me many times before how she's "prayed" that God would make someone do what she wanted them to do.  For example, she's prayed that one of her sons would choose the college that she wanted him to go to.   While, on the surface, that may not seem like a big deal, I see it as just more of her need for control.  Why not pray that he chooses the college that would best suit him?  That he find it inside of himself to do what is best for him?   Why not pray that people make the decisions in life that are best for them and not the ones that MIL THINKS they should make?  Why is she in the middle of it all?

Why not pray that she is the type of grandmother that will be remembered fondly?  Or, I pray that I serve my grandchildren well so that they will always see that I love them?  Or, please help me God to give all of my love to my grandchildren so that they will never question that I loved them? 

Maybe I'm nitpicking.  But this seems more about getting a response out of the kids than actually being the type of grandparent she wants to be remembered as. 

And the thing is, she's NOT that grandmother.  Fond memories?  She never has authentic conversations with my kids.  She rarely gets down and plays with them.  She shows NO genuine interest in who they are.  When all four of her grandkids are together, she bounces between them, trying to always be "where the actions is".   She controls their interactions and tries to force "bonding" between them.  She doesn't actually create experiences in which my kids will remember her.  She doesn't try to do anything special for or with them.  She expects DH and I to come up with those plans.  For all my NM's faults, she at least tries to do special things with my kids.  She asks them questions and tries to get to know them.  She plays endlessly on the floor with them.  (And I'm sure it's not all for the right reasons, but for now -and I watch her like a hawk- she's been good with them.)  She looks like a perfect grandmother compared to MIL.

And the "love them deeply"?  I don't think MIL knows what deep love is.  She is so emotionally disconnected it's scary.  She puts on a good image, but there is NO substance behind it.  It's all about sucking love from her grandkids.  I can almost physically see her sucking attention from them in a one-way flow. 

Earlier in the day, MIL had posted a picture of the Valentine's card she had gotten from my niece and nephew, captioned "The best Valentine card ever!". (She took a picture of it and posted the picture).  Well, let's examine that.  The card was clearly ordered from an online print shop.  My SIL used the same professional portraits she has used on her Christmas card and as MIL's Christmas gift.  So she just "recycled" the same old card into something "new".   And I'm not trying to be critical, but two years ago my three year old spent tons of time crafting a beautiful card for MIL and FIL.  He meticulously cut out the heart (which is so hard for a young kid) and decorated it and colored it.  So, really, is this "new" card the "best valentine EVER".  I'm sure MIL doesn't even remember my son's card.  And I'm sure she wasn't trying to slight me and my son.  But it just shows her pathology to me.  She is constantly proclaiming things the "best ever" with no regard that it leaves no room for the "others" to be good.  She's told my son that he's the "cutest kid ever!" right in front of his cousin.  Really?  How the hell is that supposed to make my niece feel?  But she doesn't think of that and does it constantly.  Her insensitivity is appalling. 

This is also the woman who doesn't bother to send any Valentines cards to her own grandkids.  She doesn't remember them at all.  She did once...she bought a cheap box of kids school Valentines and sent them out to her grandkids.  (Not that I'm begrudging the cheapness of it, but this woman will spend tons of money on a bottle of wine or a nice meal, so it's not out of her realm to send a real card to her grandkids.)  I've told DH that it seems "out of sight, out of mind" with her.  She never sends anything to the kids, never gives them anything without being present to "get credit" for it (or actually, she has, but she was forced to do it in those few situations).  Both NM, my step mother, and my husband's grandmother (MIL's mother) always send cards to the kids.  Most of them remember them at Easter too.  NM sends cards (and money - 20 bucks for the college fund and 5 to buy a toy- and stickers) on every holiday.  She knows the kids love mail and sends it every time.  But not MIL.  I don't think she's every sent a damn thing (except the school valentines). 

So, maybe MIL, maybe try BEING the grandmother you want to be.  While you are at it, quite telling me you "don't want to be that MIL" and be the MIL you actually think you should be.  Quite worrying about how everyone is going to remember you and start worrying about creating good memories of yourself.  Quite "praying" that people remember you in certain ways and that they remember your love, and actual be the person people remember fondly and loving those people.