The other day, I made my trek to Target for my annual attempt at the impossible: find a card that sends the right message to NM (and MIL, although I've relinquished this task to DH. He can figure it out.) I've done the photo card (but didn't feel like making the effort this year). I've let myself off the hook a lot when it comes to Mother's Day (I give a simple plant....gives them something to "care" for) and a card. And done. Oh, and the damn phone call.
Anyway, the man who stocks the cards was perched in the aisle, watching me. He asked "Can I help you look for something?" I told him no, that I was looking for a card for a "difficult mom". He told me he understood. But he continued to give me weird looks as I paced the aisle. Pulling card after card out. Reading it, rejecting it, putting it back. Plain cards? Nope. They'll antagonize her. Sentimental cards? HAHAHA. Like what? Thanks for being a great mom?
The guy finally looked at me and complained "You're making me nervous going around and around like that!!" Well, too damn bad. How do you think I feel? Clearly, this is no treat for me.
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I was watching a preview for a Mother's Day show on Ellen this week. And a bitter and bitching feeling came over me. I was so sick of hearing the "She's the woman who has always been there. The woman who you can always count on." bullshit. Sick of the advertisements and TV commercials pushing to "honor" Mother's: the Greatest People in the World. It just made me want to vomit.
I've felt this bitter feeling before. Hearing about how other people drop their kids off with the grandparents for a night (or weekend) so they can have a break. Seeing grandparents involved (and not making it about themselves) at baseball or preschool programs. Today, Sesame Street had a "Grandparent Festival" (or something) to honor grandparents. I got that same bitter feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not quite angry, not sad, must pissy about the whole damn thing.
I'm not jealous either. I mean, sure, I wish I had that. But I'm not angry that other people are fortunate to have lovely parents or grandparents. Good for them. But I do think I get bitter when parenthood or grandparenthood is elevated to this esteemed place that makes the rest of us feel like our families don't measure up. Or that all these "honor days" and sugar coated ideals put pressure on the rest of us to feel the same about our families...even if our families don't deserve to be "honored". I'm bitter that there doesn't seem to be any room for people who aren't one big happy family. I'm bitter that society forces us to all feel exactly the same way about our moms.
But I realized the other day, I AM a mom too. That this bitterness seeps into my own feelings about my mothering. That I've become so tainted and bitter against "motherhood" that I've forgotten that, for a lot of people, a mom really is a good thing. I see those commercials about a great mom and think "yeah, right. I'm sure your mom is just wonderful." I've become a bit biased in thinking that all moms are horrible and that the relationship with between mothers and children is always nastiness disguised as love.
It struck me as sad that I think that. I don't want to feel that way about my relationship with my children. I don't want to feel that I'm doomed to eventually have the same shitty relationship I have with my FOO and in-laws. I want to have hope and be positive and feel good about my relationship with my kids. And I really struggle with how to reconcile the two relationships: mine with my kids, and my mother's with me. It's hard to separate my feelings about "motherhood" and find a different definition, when my narcissistic mother had been the definition for so long.
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On a side note, NM sent me a Mother's Day card this year. It arrived on Monday (MONDAY. She certainly wanted to make sure it arrived in time.) We haven't really talked since I called her out on being negative about my son (she did manage to call and my son accidentally picked up - he's not supposed to answer the phone for this reason. She was all giddy about getting to talk to him - unsupervised - which pissed me off. I also felt a bit violated, as she has mentioned all the things he "told her". Stuff that was not really a secret, but that I haven't told her, as she doesn't ASK about us. I try to be very limited in what I tell her as she turns it around and, either, uses it against us or tells everyone she knows in order to get NS for herself. I don't like her gossiping about me. She's mentioned this phone call three times now. I think she thinks that she's being positive by saying nice things about talking to him, but the whole thing annoys me. Especially since, behind his back, she was basically saying he was spoiled and greedy.) Anyway, I went on "break" from her and quite responding to things (and went out of town with no cell coverage so she couldn't get ahold of me. I got several "are you getting my messages?" before she gave up.)
So, to get the card seemed like a narc olive branch. A way to look nice with minimal effort. She hasn't sent me a card in years past. I think she did the first year I became a mom, but I know she didn't last year (she was pissed at me). The card was actually a nice sentiment and described our relationship well. It said that I'm a good mom. It talked about how she knew me as a little girl but has not fully begun to understand all that I am as an adult woman (or something to that effect). It almost, almost, made me feel she understood me. And maybe she does. But, despite all of that "understanding" or attempts to understand, she doesn't follow through by treating me like a grown up. She doesn't make any attempts to really work on our relationship. She just offers greeting cards and sentiments written by someone else. So, I guess it is what it is. I read the card, didn't allow it to move me in my feelings about our relationship (something that was huge for me), and dropped it in the trash.
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For all my friends out there who are moms, Happy Mother's Day!
The tv show Glee made me mad this week. One of the characters was helping put on a play at a retirement home, and the daughter of one woman was not planning to attend. When the character confronted the daughter, the daughter explained that her entire life, she didn't have a mother. Her mother abandoned her to pursue stardom--left her at school for hours and hours, forgot her birthday, missed holidays, etc. etc. The character trotted out that tired b.s. about how the daughter had JUST ONE MOTHER and well, maybe the mother wasn't there for the daughter, but the daughter should be there for the mother. Naturally the daughter was guilted into showing up. I was so angry at the manipulation--as we all know, if a grown adult wants nothing to do with her own mother, there's a darned good reason, and shouldn't be stomped all over for a fantasy that all families are happy-happy-happy.
ReplyDeleteYes, that societal implication that we OBLIGED to our mothers, no matter what they've done to deserve it, drives me crazy too. No one thinks that maybe the daughter stays away because it is the only way she can maintain her sanity. That "worshiping" and honoring someone who couldn't care less about your welfare is not healthy at all.
DeleteMy NF once said to me with great pride, "Either you s##t on your kids, or your kids s##t on you!". This was after the NF and NM had done something to me so egregious *in public* (not just in private, as they usually did) that complete strangers were calling them out on it. Now they tell all the other relatives they "can't understand" what made me go NC with them (it wasn't just one thing--it was years and years and years of egregious abuse, some in public and some not). They're truly shocked by my actions. The notion that families can and should treat each other with basic human respect is completely foreign to them; they believe they are to be worshipped at all times but can treat the scapegoat however they like. --LuLoo.
Delete"The notion that families can and should treat each other with basic human respect is completely foreign to them"
DeleteYes, they seem to have it backwards. They believe that family is the one place you can act your worst and they have to put up with you. That no matter what, your family HAS to love you.
I just wanted to say I feel the same way about the barrage of Mothers Day advertising. I have been NC since last Dec and the Mother's Day lead up makes me feel physically sick. Ours is a private torment. We can't come out and say we don't agree. People then think we are the nuts ones. My advice avoid the card displays and switch the tv off. :0)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lucy.
DeleteI'm not saying they all are, but the arrival and content of the card is premeditated, targeted and intentional, IMO. She clearly recognizes you're pulling away from her and she's pre-empting and attempting to control the conversation. Ignoring Mother's Day previously and your status as a mother has historically been her MO: Just ask,"Why NOW?" Her 'Relationship Economy' is unabashedly pro quid pro: She sends the card a week in advance which includes a reference to you being a "good mom." I see that within the context of her recent arm twisting for you to indicate to her she's a "good mom" by either negating or confirming her baited traps: Translation, "I'll tell YOU you're a good mom and in return, you tell ME I'm a good mom. You now have about a week to return the same sentiment to me on Worshipful Mothers Day." That's what she's been angling for in your recent interactions. She claims to have "known" you as a child (no, she didn't) but has "not fully begun to understand all you are as an adult woman." Wow. How's THAT for a "Get Out of Jail Free" card?! That you "didn't allow it to move me" is a testament to the internal shift that's evolving within you: It's indicative of the progress towards continuing detachment and all the work you've been doing and the results of your efforts. No small achievement, Jessie.
ReplyDeleteAmbushing your son-the poor child had no clue the conversation was essentially an interrogation. She mentioned it three times to YOU because she's crowing over having successfully defeated your Boundary with your kids in terms of interacting with her. She's well aware you're protecting your kids from her predations by not allowing unsupervised inactions with her. Since she knows your daily routine, when you're most likely to be preparing meals etc.I'd also look at the timing and alleged "reason" for the call. She views this phone call as a "Win" for her and her repeated "mentions" are intended to let you know she got over on you-far more important than the actual content of the conversation which she'll twist to fit her agenda anyway.
Your relationship with your children is not tainted by your feelings and experiences regarding your mother. Not only are you too self-aware but your unconditional love for your children, your view of them as unique individuals in their own right rather than extensions of you etc. consistently shine through your posts. There's not a jealous, bitter bone in your body, Jessie. IMO, you're just not built that way-you are a "Natural Mother." The one we all would have loved to have.
I'm not saying *all* interactions with CBs are premeditated, targeted and intentional-they're not. But the CB response, like all of our patterns of interactions with others is habitual. If your way of seeing yourself and others is marked by lying, re-writing, self-serving/seeking opportunities for Supply etc., the individual doesn't have to think before responding reflexively. Your little boy never stood a chance against a CB "gma." Like any Terrorist, she only has to be successful once and that one success in thwarting your efforts is a Gold Medal Triumph in her on-going War of sabotaging your efforts at enforcing Boundaries for you and your family against a known Predator. Her "Triumph" is a petty, insignificant "win" in the larger picture and your determination to ensure your children and family will NOT be usurped by a CB with the label "Mother."
Best Wishes on Mother's Day to a Mom who truly IS!
TW
TW
Thank you TW. So much of what you said resonates with me.
DeleteThe phone call: you hit it on the head. She thinks it's a "win". That she got around something (she's asked many times before to have my son call her - my preschooler is asked to call HER - and I never do. She doesn't call him either, which is either her being petty or realizing I'll probably not let her talk to him, or even pick up.) And in this case, I was unaware that my son was even on my phone. He was supposed to be in his room having quiet time. My phone happened to be in his room when she called. So she got unsupervised time to "interrogate" him (as you said.) She loves that she got information out of him. She brought it up again today. I chose to ignore it and changed the subject.
And your reading on the card was observant. She probably said to herself she was sending the card to "be the bigger person" (a phrase she loves. Both to apply to herself and to shame others for not being "the bigger person" -meaning, not putting her always before themselves.) I had thought about it coming a week early to ensure I had time to reciprocate. But you are right. None of it was genuine or authentic. The part that really gets me is that she actually knows what sentiment would mean something to me. She knows exactly what she SHOULD say. But the sentiment is so shallow that their is no depth of love or sincerity in it at all.
At first I felt I should immediately thank her for it. I ignored it for a few days. Then I forgot. And I forgot again today when I talked to her. (Really, I actually forgot). I figured, so what. If the sentiment was genuine, than me forgetting to say thank you (ONCE in my life) than too bad.
Every year, I dread Mothers' day, her birthday and the holidays. I too am the enemy for setting boundaries now. I'm the evil one that broke our family up. I was told that last year that I wrecked our family. This year, I asked to take her to lunch or brunch or dinner. I was shot down. She said it was just another day to her anymore. I sent the card that I struggled to pick and yesterday I treated it like it was just another day and did not call her. I screwed myself by not calling but I knew that if I called I would still get the sadness in her voice and the guilt trip. Either way I was screwed. I'm just so sick of it. I read Dr. McBride's book and even though I was no contact for 6 months and "she brought the family back together", nothing has changed. It will never change. I asked my DH if he really thinks that some day after she's gone, I'll regret not calling her on mothers day. He said he knew I would not. She made her bed. Her daughters don't talk to each other and none of this is her fault. I know otherwise and that's what gets me through. I know the truth like we all do.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you struggle with this too. Hugs.
DeleteHi Jessie,
ReplyDeleteI loved your comment to the guy in the card shop about it being for a 'difficult mom'. They don't make cards for such relationships.
I related to so much of your feelings about this day through your writing - coming to terms with it being for mother's who do love their children healthily and a difficult day for us with our own relationships. The skew in either direction is what makes it so hard to handle. The people making it an obligation and making it that highly esteemed institution that forces uniformity (excellent point).
Hugs and Happy Mother's Day to you! xxTR