For My Records Only

I'm writing this, mainly, as a record of birthday celebrations past.  I've found it is helpful to see patterns and look back at the "record" to get a full idea of what has been going on.  And as I've thought back to birthdays past, I'd forgotten a lot of what went on.  So, you are welcome to read, but know that it may be a bit....well, it may not be the best read.  Some of this is duplicate information.  And mostly, I'm writing it because I need to get it out of my head and written down. 

NM generally reserves her attention seeking to before or after the parties (she stays the weekend, so she gets in her digs during that time).  During the parties, she generally, plays the doting mother and grandmother.  She can be helpful.  But that's mainly because she knows how I like to do things.  However, she ALWAYS has to put her own stamp on the party.  Sometimes that means buying extra decorations and things.  Sometimes that means "suggesting" how to decorate...such as moving a table six inches to the left, or something else ridiculous.  She did this too at my wedding: when I asked her how my makeup was, she had to grab the brush and "adjust" my eye shadow.  I didn't need her help, but she had to look like she put on the finishing touches, make herself feel special.  She also rarely really helps at the party.  She doesn't help serve, or get more food, or clean up.  Ever.  NM also makes huge deals about the gifts she gives.  She starts asking for lists months in advance.  Then she asks for "more" ideas.  Then, she generally gets what she wants.  Then, she acts put out by the things I suggest, but begrudgingly gets them.  I get a million texts, emails, and phone calls to discuss the gifts she's getting. 

NM does, however, keep MIL in check somewhat.  MIL's usual boisterous, loud, and brash demeanor is subdued by NM.  I find this very, very interesting.  I've come to believe that MIL likes to be the alpha female in any room, and if she's not, she withdraws and becomes reserved.  She tiptoes around and hangs on the periphery. The seem to circle each other at arm's length.  And even when they do talk, it's stiff and awkward.   NM clearly likes this and makes sure to revel in her dominance.  NM, however, likes to use her interactions with MIL to hurt me.  Last year, despite MIL behaving horribly and NM saying MIL was behaving badly, NM stated "well, she's always nice to me, asking about my job and things."  NM often says she feels pity for MIL because MIL seems to suffer "from low self esteem".   And at the last party, NM forced MIL to pose for a picture in her bathing suit (something she knows is upsetting to MIL).  NM made sure to show me the picture later, in which MIL was cuddled up with my husband.  It made my stomach hurt and NM knew it.  She said she took the picture to make "MIL feel good."  Why, in the hell, would she need to make MIL feel good?  Later, when comparing notes with DH, I found out that NM had pushed MIL into the picture, insisting she get "closer" to DH.  Ick.

Also, I have a "friend" who, very recently, claimed she wished that we hung out more and so enjoyed hanging out with me.  We've been friends for 10 years (our husbands were friends first), but despite enjoying each other's company, she seems to be hard to connect with.  She seems to understand how hard my family issues are, and was one of the first people to validate me, but she always seems to disappear at these things.  She has blown off the party at the last minute for a funeral, a "business meeting" with her SIL and MIL (at a resort), and a camping trip.  Of course, these are legitimate excuses....they just seem to always happen.  For this weekend, she somehow can't make it home from a camping trip in time for the party (despite making it home for a party at her neighbors' when we were camping in the same spot).  I'm hurt that she's, again, found something else to do with her time. 

DS's birthday #1:  The stress started weeks in advance.  There was pressure on me to invite all of MIL's sisters to the party.  I refused.  I felt that if I invited one set of aunts I had to invite all of our parents' siblings.  That would be too many people.  And, I didn't want a ton of people at the party.  I wanted it small and intimate....it was a party for a one year old.  Anyway, we get a call from MIL's sister, offering to "help" because she knows how "stressed out Jessie" gets at these things.  I can only assume MIL made an "excuse" for me not inviting everyone because I get too stressed out.  It was awkward to say, "um no thanks" and by the way, you're not even invited.  In discussing the party with my father, he told me I was rude for suggesting an ending time to the party.  I scheduled out three hours (during lunch) to accommodate my son's nap in the afternoon.  Apparently, it's rude to suggest a one year old can only handle a limited party.

The day of the party came and I worked hard to get everything ready in time (as well as nurse and feed my son and squeeze in a morning nap for him).  Noon, the time of the party came, and no one was there.  No one.  I watched the clock tick as NO ONE showed up.  Finally, MIL and FIL showed up around 30 minutes later.  She was a hurricane if noise and chaos when she came in.  They had FIL's mother with them (something MIL was annoyed I made them do) who needs help and so we got her settled.  MIL blows in with the food she'd made (I had allowed it to make her feel involved) crumpling up the tinfoil and tossing it in the middle of the buffet and pushing aside the food I'd carefully arranged on the table.  Then, she and FIL ask for tools, as they aren't finished putting DS's gift together.  They spend the next HOUR putting the thing together in another room from the party.  We had food to BBQ and were waiting to feed everyone....but no one was there to feed.  When she gets the gift together, she trots it out and makes a big deal about what a great gift she bought.  She doesn't mention that the idea for the gift came from me.  I don't need the credit, but I hate that she takes boasts and takes credit. 

Finally, more of DH's family shows up (his grandparents and another BIL and SIL) but we are still waiting for DH"s "closest" brother and his wife and my niece (the only other child at the party).  We wait.  And wait.  And wait.  DH tells me his mother told him that SIL's mother had to go to the hospital.  So, a bit later, when they show up I ask if her mother is OK.  What are you talking about? she asks.  Her mom is fine.  I ask DH how he heard that....and before we are fully aware of the narcy behavior surrounding us, he offers up that he must've "misheard" his mother.  I suggest that's a hard thing to mishear.  He says "well, maybe I lied."  Um, no, DH does not lie.  Ever.  He's just not that kind of guy.  It's clear he's covering for MIL. 

Later, SIL tells me that they were late because she had been angry at MIL.  She was mad that they'd stopped by her house first and brought the grandmother when her house wasn't clean and organized.  She said she was so mad, that she had to stay away from the party.  I'm blown away.  How the hell do you avoid your nephew's party because you are mad at your in-laws.  She acts like it's no big deal. 

DS's birthday 2:  Honestly, this party was so crazy I can't even remember what happened.  We had just moved and, due to weather, had to move the party from the park to my house last minute.  It was stressful.  I know my in-laws were all late and blew in like a tornado..  I know no one offered to help me.  I know that my niece was allowed to jump around and off my furniture while my in-laws laughed and guffawed loudly.  It was chaos. 

DS's birthday 3:  SIL and BIL arrive on time, but SIL "forgot" their swimsuits.  So, SIL leaves to go get them.  When she comes back, she finds me and says "are you mad that I left?"  I'm not sure why she would think I was mad at her for forgetting something.  But as I look back, I think, what an odd thing to say.  Was she trying to piss me off? 

I also had my new infant son, which both grandmother's were demanding to take.  DH had strict orders to not allow my son to be passed around like a party favor and was keeping him close, to which NM said he was being "stubborn".  I found that both grandmother's wanted the baby to avoid helping me, look like they were helping, and using the opportunity to look like a doting grandmother.

The only other incident at this party was with some friends who became flustered when their kid threw a fit that I wouldn't allow him in the extra food packed under the table.  I had a full table of food, but this kid wanted to get into the food underneath.  His parents don't believe in saying "no" and, probably, it wasn't that big of a deal.  But I didn't understand why this kid should be allowed to take an entire new bag of chips to himself when their was perfectly good food on the table (and the exact same chips).  I felt guilty and horrible, but ignored it. 

DS's #2, First Birthday:  Again, everyone is late.  MIL calls an hour before the party to invite a very distant relative (her uncle, whom I've maybe met once) to my son's very small family party.  He wanted to stop by, she couldn't say no, and so she calls to see if he can just come to the party.  She asks DH and knows that he really can't say no.  The guys already on the way.  I'm pissed because it's difficult for her to focus on her grandson if she's trying to "catch up" with her uncle during a one hour party.  During the party, she introduces the relatives to everyone BUT ME.   I finally introduce myself.  MIL stands and discusses my home, my view, our life with this aunt and ignores the fact that I am, again, doing everything myself.  MIL keeps hinting (as I walk past doing things) about different parts of my house, like she wants me to give a tour.  Because I'm not doing anything else. 

MIL is annoyed because she had to bring FIL's mother (my insistence, partially because I like the lady, partially because it will give MIL a time frame to get her back to the nursing home and force MIL to leave).  MIL always acts put out about FIL's mother and clearly keeps her distance. 

At the end of the party, after everything is cleaned up (literally, you could look around the room and see everything was done, not to mention everyone SAW me doing it all) MIL offers to help me clean up.  I look around and say "it's all done."  She says " no, really, I'll help."  I laugh and look around again and say "it's all done."  This is a habit.  She never offers any real help, often sitting and watching me five feet away as  I do it.  She's plopped my niece down with me to eat, while I'm taking care of my two other kids and expected me to help her too.  She thinks nothing of having me do it all. 

During gift opening, I went to get my camera, leaving both sons with the gifts (I had told older son he could "help" his brother by handing him gifts so that he felt included.)  When I returned, niece and nephew are ripping into DS's gifts.  NM starts shooing them back (she can be handy at times).  I keep trying to get the kids back (as note, other children at the party are kindly sitting back).  BIL and SIL finally grab their kids back, but I get the distinct impression I'm a "hard ass".  (BIL prides himself on being "laid back". ha.)

DS #1 Fourth Birthday:  MIL and FIL show up (on time) with my niece and nephew in tow.  I'm surprised, because BIL and SIL aren't with them.  MIL explains they had shopping to do and would be there later but had them bring the kids.  Not a big deal, but it's awful hard for MIL and FIL to fully be grandparents to my son at his birthday if they are watching the other grandkids.  BIL and SIL finally show up (we are at a park) and seem to circle the periphery.  Neither greets me or my husband and neither greets my son.  They seem tense.  At this point, no one has bothered to feed my nephew (I guess everyone assumes someone else is doing it) and he is trying to get at food I have stashed under the table.  I'm busy trying to set up and I keep having to remove him from under the table (where I have the cake stashed too).  He's two and I'm afraid he will get into the cake and no one is helping.  I finally get a bit firm with him and he runs crying to SIL, who comforts him but doesn't correct him at all.  And no one gets him food. 

Things get more and more tense as SIL seems to stop around from her car, to my MIL to the splash pad.  I'm not sure what's going on, but me, DH, and NM all pick up on the drama.  I figure she's pissed that I told her kid to get out of the food (and maybe I'm a hard ass about this, since I've had two incidences, but seriously, shouldn't kids be expected to stay out of put away things and shouldn't their parents offer them the food-the same food- that's on the table?).  The next thing I know, she stomps up to my son, who is about 15 feet away from me and tells him "Happy Birthday. I have to take (nephew) home for a nap." and leaves, taking BIL with her.  They'd been there for maybe 45 minutes.  Maybe.  And no word to either of us.  I suspect she and her husband were fighting, but what has that got to do with us?  Suck it up for awhile.  (And for the record, she and her DH fight like this a lot and then everyone has to pay for it.)

MIL is telling everyone about how difficult FIL's mother's (yup the same one who annoys her) very recent death is.  She tells every adult at the party-within ear shot of me- the graphic details of the poor woman's death.  She talks about how she "knew my MIL" and how she stepped in and took charge. What a saint she was. It made me sick.  First off, who discusses the last days of the birthday boy's grandparent AT HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY?!  LOUDLY?!  SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR?  And her on going narrative of what a wonderful caretaker she was makes me want to vomit.  She disliked this woman (she told me so herself).  The old lady annoyed her because she repeated stories (the old lady had dementia) and it bored her.  She told me once how she avoided her whenever she could.  But suddenly, she was the saint of nursing this poor woman.  Again, MIL and FIL are in charge of my niece and so unable to fully participate with my kids (not that I mind, but if I did, it sure would piss me off how BIL and SIL monopolize the grandparents). 

OH, and shortly before the party, NSIS announces she has "cancer"...or something...or is sick.  I missed the FB post, so I'm still not sure.  Of course, this directly draws all attention back to her.  She again, misses DS's birthday (I think she's acknowledged one, and that was way after the fact).  She ALWAYS has some reason she can't focus on the kids on their birthdays. 

DS #2, Second Birthday:  Again, MIL and FIL are LATE.  They NEVER show up on time.  Again, she thunders in, loudly exclaiming how it was construction, not her, that made them late.  Sure.  She and FIL are instantly in charge of niece and nephew.  I'm not sure why.  But SIL and BIL are cuddled up away from their kids, eating.  (They have been dieting, so I'm guessing this was their "cheat" day). 
Luckily,  I have wised up by this point and pick a party venue that leaves us limited "party time" and on a schedule.  We have a small amount of time and then a kids' activity.  Of course, FIL and MIL are in charge of my niece and nephew into the pool (SIL meanders around awhile, visiting, before she gets into the pool with her kids). 
It's not a horrible party, but it's certainly not "celebratory" but the kids had fun.

So, on the eve of another, I sit here wondering what will happen.  Maybe nothing?  Doubt it.  I did pick another venue that limits narcy behavior, but we'll see.

NM already is playing the "guess when I'm going to show up game".  She used to require an hourly text when I was driving to visit her.  When I tried to push the boundary back a bit, she got annoyed.  And so now, she doesn't bother to let me know at all.  And she often shows up and peers in the windows at the back of my house.  She thinks it's funny (and if I protest, she makes fun of how "uptight" I am.  This woman who requires complete privacy for herself.).  And I can't ask her when she's coming because she uses that against me: a sign that I'm "controlling" and "overbearing".  She and step dad laugh at me.  So, I sit here, waiting for the bomb to drop. 

Wish me luck.  If you're still reading ;)