Rolling Around In My Head

BIL's wedding had not started off well.  DH and I had tried to tell MIL and FIL that if he and his fiance were not "grown up" enough to take any responsibility for their wedding, that maybe they should be rethinking a marriage.  We pointed out that, maybe, this pattern might continue if they didn't require this couple to grow up...even a little bit.  MIL developed tears (she excused herself to the bathroom to start crying, but made sure she showed up before she'd finished) and FIL became upset, telling me that I had had help too, just as much as they were getting (which was untrue and completely missed the point, but rather, implied I was jealous), and families help out.

The wedding was over budget.  The couple was spoiled and demanded things that my in-laws couldn't afford.  Her family was useless.  My SIL was taking the opportunity to be the "helper" and the "good SIL" offering to do everything and be the matron of honor.  MIL was doing everything and paying for everything (I  believe she was sneaking money to them too) and complaining.  She was also paying for all of DH's other, grown up (and married) siblings travel and accommodations too.  She was testy, to say the least.

I tried to stay above the fray as much as possible.  I avoided the "shopping" trips and hung out with DH and did what I was required to do, but nothing much more than that.  I had said my peace, was in trouble for it, and was just trying to stay away from it all.  DH and I forked over more than our share, and way more than anyone else was paying.  But we were expected to, as we were "better off" (another untruth).  There was tension and anxiety and fights.  It sucked.

But MIL was determined to hang the family together.  She arranged a tour of the local wine valley.  Everyone was to go.  She had FIL were driving everyone else and they paid for most everyone else's wine tasting fees.  I had no say in when or where we stopped, what we saw, or what we did.  But, as it was a road trip through wine country, I could deal with that.  Whatever, I thought, they'll be wine, and I'll survive.

But, I had asked to stop at one winery owned by a good friend of my boss's.  I had had this wine many times, my boss spoke highly of him, and I wanted to see the winery for myself.  It was the only thing (DH even verifies this now) I had asked of the whole damn trip.   Also, if this had been a winery owned by someone who had ties to the in-laws we would've stopped in an instant.  They love to be on the "inside" of things and they would've felt they somehow had a connection to this person and would have loved the attention that would bring.  It's happened many times before (and is actually quite common for the people from DH's hometown.  ANY person, with ANY connection to this town is a source of HUGE pride for these people.)

Anyway, the grumblings started from the beginning.  The tasting wasn't free.  And more so, it was expensive, in their opinion.  Well, fine, everyone has their own opinion.  So, they decide to split the tastings between two people to save money.  For the record, the damn tasting cost $5 a person.  This was the 10th or so winery we had hit.  We'd all spent a lot of money travelling to the wedding in the first place.  Five bucks wasn't going to make or break anyone.  And really, then don't get the damn tasting and wait until the next winery (five minutes away).  But no.  The made sour faces at the wine.  Grumbled about.  Pouted.  Especially MIL.  This clan of usually loud and boisterous and over the top people moped until we left.

As we left, MIL sidled up to DH.  They were walking not more than 10 feet behind me, so I could hear every word.  She knew I could hear what she was "whispering".

Geez, she complained, wasn't that EXPENSIVE.  I can't believe they would charge that much.

Um, DH says.  He's kind of ignoring her.

Don't YOU think it was expensive?  Don't you think he charges too much?  Don't you think that was a waste of our time?

Now, I'm recalling this from memory, so I'm sure these aren't the exact words she spoke.  But I do remember a lot of it.  And I remember her point.  She was pissed and she wanted DH to agree with her.  She frequently uses the phrase "don't you agree..." to buffer her comments.

I remember being angry at the time.  But this memory pops up now and I'm so much more angry.  I'm speculating here, but this is my take one what the hell she was trying to do.  First, she was angry (and actually FIL was angry) at all the money they were spending.  And she felt that the money for the wine was too much.  But instead of directing her anger where it should have been, she directed it at me.  The easy target.  And she's trying to goad DH into agreeing with her.  Because she knows that if he agrees with her, that it's a mark against me (the spoiled snob....which is so fucking ironic, since I am not a snob and grew up poor).  She's trying to unload all of her bullshit onto me, the easy place to dump it.

It's clear to me that her point was to "get me" because the damn tasting was already done.  What is the point of bitching at that point?  It's clearly not to discourage us from trying the wine.  It's to make me look like the bad guy, subtly and in a round about way.  If she didn't want to pay the damn fee, take some responsibility and don't pay the fee.   Was she trying to make a point about me getting my way?  About me having some say so?  Probably.  See, DH, see what happens when Jessie has some input?  We pay, we are inconvenienced.  Don't you agree that Jessie transgressed against the family and was wrong, DH?  And by doing it in ear shot, she's really saying it to me.

I know this moment isn't a really big deal.  But it's little moments like this that weigh on me.  They roll around in my head and have been coming back to me in waves.  I was annoyed and pissed at the time, but I'm really angry now as I can see this bullshit for what it really was.  The sly bullshit manipulations.  The attempts to paint me as an asshole.  The attempts to "convince" DH and keep him in the fold.  The pressure for him to agree with her.  And really, why can't we have different opinions?  Huh?  Why can't she be OK with DH feeling differently about it?  It pisses me off that she dumped her anger about spending money onto me.  That with all the damn money DH and I were spending (they also stiffed us on a bill for food later in the weekend; she forced DH and I pony up for other people's tab.  It was classic.) that we somehow were causing her problems.  That instead of yelling at the assholes who actually were gobbling up her money or putting her foot down or discussing FIL's anger at spending all the money with HIM, she took the opportunity to shit on me.  (She also held me accountable for ordering too much chicken.  The lady who can't listen to me ordered FULL chickens, instead of the pieces of chicken she had told me they were.  She also told BIL to order them, but then didn't trust him to do it, so she ordered it herself.  When she showed up, she had 60 roasted chickens instead of chicken pieces.  Guess who's fault that was?  Yup, me, because I gave her advice.)

I did manage to turn around and say something.  I'm not sure what that something was, but it stopped the conversation.  And I know it was nothing that I really wanted to say.  I wish, so badly,  I could go back and tell her all the things I wanted to tell her.  Hey, MIL, I'm sorry these 15 minutes about me inconvenienced you so damn bad.  I'm sorry that you refused to take responsibility and not open your wallet.  It sucks that your kids sponge off of you and you had to pay their fee, but that sure isn't my responsibility.  No one forced you to stop here, no one forced you to drink, and no one forced you to pay.  You did that all of your own accord and you had every opportunity to stop.  DH is allowed to feel however he wants to about it, and he did this for me.  Because it was important to me.  So quit making him feel badly for "indulging" his wife one damn thing in the midst of this huge circus you call family.

But I didn't say that.  And I can't go back.  And I can't stop these memories from coming and wishing I'd done them differently.  And I can't stop recalling all of the little ways she has manipulated and conned me and my husband for the last 15 years.   And it pisses me off that she still gets away with it.  That she can do these crazy little things and no one has ever called her on it.

Status Update

So, here is a very abbreviated version of what has been going on with the narcs.  I provide this update, so that it'll be easier to write out my next couple of posts.

In-laws = BIL and SIL have been a bit MIA.  They have been circling me wide at almost every event (which has been rare) that we've seen them out.  To my advantage, they've pissed off a few mutual friends, so we've been around them less.  We did see them lately, when SIL stood to he side, waiting for me to approach her to tell her how good she looks (with her skinny new ass and her big new boobs).  BIL skirted around me, but did manage to put DH on the hook (in order to relieve his own embarrassment at he situaion) by asking him what he thought of his wife's "fake" boobs.  Nice, really, nice.

The parents-in-law are coming for the weekend.  The whole weekend.  MIL invited herself (and then booked a hotel room, as no one offered up their house) and announced the whole weekend as a celebration for FIL.  We were initially invited to dinner.  Then, hints came in suggesting other activities.  It irritates me to no end that MIL makes these proclamations and then "suggests" we entertain and give up our weekend for them.  No thoughts or consideration to anyone else's plans.  And she is so damn good at covertly hinting at things to DH that he feels obligated to spend time with them.  It's a hard line, because I really have seen very little of them lately and DH wants to see his father, but on the other hand, I feel like then I'm encouraging MIL's bad behavior.  I'm anxious.  Very anxious.  But I'm remembering to breathe and that helps.  I've got lines prepared and some strategies at the ready.  Cross your fingers for me.

NM has been quiet.  She has not called me in almost a year.  I didn't ask her too.  I did tell her that conversations on the phone, for extended periods were hard due to always having children underfoot.  She must have taken that as a hint and stepped off.  I'm sure I'll pay for it come accounting day.  But for right now, it works for me.  She texts and emails a lot (every couple of days) and when it doesn't cost me too much, I reply.  If she baits or goads or hints, I just don't respond.  It has been working well.  But I'm suspicious.  Very suspicious.  She did pull a very mild stunt, to get at DH, but it was so small I ignored it.  Luckily, NM doesn't scare me.

I flew my family and I down to see my father a bit back.  It was a last minute deal, which luckily minimized the regret I first felt.  I had just gotten away from a visit from NM, and then had to deal with my father.  I stressed endlessly.  I do have a post in mind to detail some of the tactics I used to get through it all, but I'll save that for later.  For right now, I'll say the visit actually went very well.  I felt good leaving the visit (there were even other family visits mentioned, which I'll talk about below).  Step mother and I actually had a really good visit.  She was well-behaved and even offered me some moral support about my sister.  I've down graded her from narc to just an extremely overbearing, controlling, somewhat black and white, very opinionated, and a bit self-righteous person.  But she has a heart.  I saw it.  It's in there.  My father, is also a control freak, angry, self centered person who can be very irritable, but he is not a narcissist either.  And the visit really did go well ;).  Dad behaved himself really well and even managed a lot of self regulation.  He was kind and good to my children.  I actually got to see grandparents who are not trying to just get supply in return from the grand kids.  The distinction is subtle, but it's there.  There was an ease to it that I never feel with NM or NMIL.  I always have to have my ear to the ground with them.  There may be a post in this too; the differences in grand parenting.  But I felt good leaving the visit.  I held my ground, I was grown up, I didn't slip (too much) into feeling like a bullied child.  We had fun, the kids had fun, I survived airport security and two flights with two toddlers!

During the visit, I had a visit with my uncle and his wife.  It was wonderful and I felt like I belonged.  Like a little peace was place back in my heart.  This didn't last long.  We had all talked about a family reunion.  I offered to start an email chain to talk about it.  This didn't sit well with family members who felt a reunion had already been planned...yet they hadn't TOLD anyone about it.  Long story short, one extended family member, whom I've only met once, ripped me a new one for being ungrateful and in the wrong, although she never mentioned me.  Several relatives called me or my dad to discuss how horribly this family member had spoken.  But no one said anything.  No one.  The just let it die.  And so, I guess some reunion is planned, but no one will talk about it and lots of family members were given no voice in it.  One of my aunts kind of talked out of both sides of her mouth, and as the get together is at her house (and her DIL is the one that got on me)I don't think I'll go.  The damn thing was going to be complicated to attend as it was, and then when it all fell apart, I just gave up.

This reunion was the second time NSIS turned up the heat on me.  She sent me a quick line suggesting that this other woman was a peach.  I replied, "yes, she is."

My sister and I haven't spoken on the phone since 2 days after my younger son's first birthday.  At that time, she called, complained for over an hour about her boyfriend (and her subsequent fears of commitment due to our horrid childhood), and never ONCE mentioned my son, his birthday, or anything else that might be going on in my life.  I let it go, as I usually do, because I was actually surprised that she was exploring how her past was effecting her future.

Several months later, I heard (as readers may recall) from an extended family member that my sister (very young sister) had cancer.  Lots of drama ensued.  I fielded lots of calls from hysterical NM and my upset father.  NSis had announced, late at night, that she had cancer and then quickly took it down.  She did not call me or my father and had not mentioned it once to NM, who had visited just weeks earlier.  There was a lot of confusion.  I refused to call my sister, as I felt that she needed to call me.  I wasn't trying to be a brat.  I wanted to respect her privacy, allow her the time to reach out to me, or just plain give her breathing room (which I surmised is what I would have done with any other grown up who had chosen not to call me.)  I waited for awhile and sent to separate communications telling her I was available if she needed me.  I didn't push or pry.  She replied back vaguely.  I knew that she expected me to hunt her down, pry things out of her, and let her play the victim.  Still to this day, I have no idea if she even had cancer.  But let me say, the circumstances around the event are sketchy at best (I have not spoken to either of my parents about this since November, as I wanted to quit having them be the middle man.  To my knowledge, neither of them really knows the truth either, although they both tried to help and both offered to visit.  She declined all offers of help except money.).  At the same time, NSis was going through significant problems with her boyfriend (violent issues) that were resulting in her possibly being evicted.   From what I saw, these issues with NSis's boyfriend seemed to be at the fore front of NSis's priorities.

Around late fall, NM called me, again hysterical, claiming Nsis was having surgery.  While NSis did appear to have some sort of medical procedure, the procedure NM called me about was not it.  NSis, in the midst of this NSis called me (While ignoring NM's calls.  My parents had become increasingly frustrated that NSis often was difficult to get a hold of, wouldn't return phone calls, and was clear with information.  She had also called my father several times in a screaming, hysterical fit of anger.  One time, out of concern for her safety, he had called the cops.  Oh, and also during this time my grandmother had a heart attack.  NSis was in such a rage at one point that she didn't even hear my father tell her this, but continued to scream like a banshee at him for all the wrong he'd done.  Then, NSis tried to play the "good girl" game and "reach out" to my grandmother.  She also had texted me at this time -in the middle of the night, the same night my father had told her the information - that grandmother had gone to the hospital.  Of course, I already knew this information and it annoyed me that she would text it to me, especially at 3 a.m.).  When NSis called, I was actually attempting to call my husband.  I accidentally picked up her line and immediately hung up.  When she called again and again, I was trying to call husband at the same time, and I believe I hung up on her twice again.  I was frantic to speak to DH first and calm myself down before I talked to her (she induces HUGE anxiety in me.  She is mean and volatile and screams at me.)  I finally answered, and what do you know, she laid into me.  Raged against me for not being there, ignoring her, blah, blah, blah.  I'll admit, she got to me.  I tried to rationalize.  I told her, calmly, that I would not allow her to verbally abuse me like she had my father. This ENRAGED her to a point, that I couldn't deal with it.  I told her to fuck off and hung up. (She later claimed I told her to fuck off and die.  Funny how narcs can add or delete words to amp things up.)

She continued to try to reach me.  I informed her that I would be contacting her through email only.  I told her that I would email her when I could to explain my feelings.  She harassed me with texts all through Thanksgiving.  Telling me she missed her sister.  Blah, blah.  Give the kids a hug for me.  Blah, blah.

I did send her an email.  A thoughtful, calm email in which I stated some basic things that had led to me moving away from her (I avoided details, as I felt that it would just bog us down in that, which wasn't the point.  It was the patterns of her behavior which I needed to address).   She replied that she was stunned.  She laid into me with blame, shame, and anger.  Told me how horrible I was for not supporting her medical bullshit.  How dare I criticize her, she wanted to know, when she was struggling so hard.  She told me that she would get back to me more when she could wrap her head around the craziness that I had emailed her.  (For what it's worth, I had two fellow bloggers read and edit this email and help me create it in a way that was as calm, collected, and adult as I could.  I tried very hard to eliminate any accusations and just clearly establish boundaries.)

For months, my sister chose to not follow up with her thoughts she had promised.  She sent a quick reply text to one I sent for her birthday.  There may have been a quick text at Christmas.  I don't remember now.

Shortly after NM visited in February, I received the email she'd promised.  This email was coincidentally timed after my mother's visit, when I am certain that NM relayed the news that my family would be visiting my father.  This email too was wretched, really.  Again full of gas lighting, crazy making, shaming, projections.  She played the victim and the martyr too.  If I wasn't worried about being found out, I'd publish her emails in entirety  as they are such text book examples of narcissistic communication.  Alas, you'll just have to take my word for it (there are a few other of my blogger friends who have also weighed in on these emails and have come to the same conclusions as me about them.)  At the bottom of the message, NSis got to her real point.  She ordered me to at least "respect" her enough to not discuss our issues with mom and dad and make them go betweens.  This part is so laughable but so clearly outlines her fucked up thinking.  I had not discussed NSis with my parents since November and I had, in fact, clearly told my parents that I would no longer be discussing NSis or accepting any information about her.  If NSis wanted to reach me, she could.  NSis's accusations that I had been discussing her behind her back was pure projection and an attempt to control triangulation for her own uses.

I replied that I would be responding to this email, but later.  She replied, "thanks. I appreciate that." or something similar.  Two minutes later, she sent another email asking if I liked a piece of furniture she wanted to buy.  WTF?  Last I'd heard, she was broke.  And beyond that, how the hell did we get back to playing pretend and offering up sisterly advice on furniture?  I supposed that since she had gotten all of her feelings out and raged against me, she felt better and it was over for her.  She got "back" at me for not supporting her and then moved on.

The trip with Dad went well, as described above, and we actually never mentioned NSis. I did talk to step mom one night, not really discussing NSis, but telling step mom how hard it's really been for me and that I hoped my father could understand that I am trying to protect myself (he has always stated I owe NSis nothing and am not responsible for her.)  Step mother was kind and supportive.  During this trip, the family reunion came up.

First, NSis sent the "peachy" remark.  Then, NM stepped in as a flying monkey, describing how sad NSis was that she couldn't go to the reunion, as she didn't have a ride.  The stench of obligation was all over the email.  I could guess what she was hinting at.  I ignored this email.  NSis brought up on the family email chain that she didn't have a ride either.  I ignored this too.

Last week, NSis sent me a text saying she'd sent my kids a package and to let her know when it gets there.  Strange....(not really).  She hasn't sent (or even acknowledged) my kids on their last two birthdays for one and one birthday for the other or on Christmas.  One Christmas she told me that she was too broke for gifts for the kids, but then spent hours on the phone agonizing over what to buy her boyfriend.  And it's not about the gifts, but the total lack of thought for them.  So, the "gifts" arrive.  This reeks of lame attempts to get me back into the fold.  And I'm angry that she thinks sending a package will somehow make me forget that she's treated me like dirt, very recently.   I text her back saying we received it, the kids enjoyed it, and thank you.

Two days later (the email was sent in the middle of the night, I suspect she'd been drinking), I received an email demanding all of the family photos be sent to her.  That I was keeping her "childhood" from her.  That I had no right to keep them and that NM had given them to me expecting me to "do right" by them.  Um, OK. NM did give me the family photos, as she was sick of storing reminders of her ex-husband and I am the responsible one.  NSis has destroyed or lost many family memories before this.  And besides, I had never suggested that I wouldn't give her her share.  Again, this was a clear manipulation tactic.  And I bit.  I'd been trying to figure out a way to communicate to her a response to her email, and this was a clear opportunity.

I wrote back an email, clearly stating my boundaries again.  I pointed out her manipulations and gas lighting and stated I wouldn't be falling for her accusations and guilt trips.  I explained that, despite her insistence that I was being sneaky and "hiding" from her and being passive, that I was merely taking my time to sort through things.  And that this time had allowed me to see that, no, things still haven't changed.

NSis wrote back a scathing email, degrading me and verbally abusing me.  She told me what a piece of shit I was and how disappointed she was with me due to what I've "become".  I didn't get this email until a lengthy texting chain which started with her calling me a "nasty bitch".  I was able to ignore the first few texts and phone calls.  Then she told me I was ridiculous and demanded I call her that day.  I took this as an opportunity to tell her that I actually do have other things going on in my life (I actually was really busy, but that shouldn't matter) and I don't need to drop everything in order to allow her time to scream at me and call me names.  She told me that she wouldn't call me names.  Um, you just texted me that I'm a nasty bitch. Between the email and the texts, she called me abusive, told me I was scum for reducing her beautiful gestures of amends to fake crap, told me I'd turned into a horrible person, accused me of triangulation (I told her I'd give the pictures back to my mother.  I mean, it's a HUGE box full of photo albums.  I'm not really going to send that shit), told me I was horrible for ranking her "out" of the family and pushing her out of the family.  Somewhere in there, she accused ME of withholding the children she never makes an effort to communicate with.  She told me I've turned into a horrible person and she's disappointed and saddened by it.  My friend Kara summed it up by saying she threw every narc trick at me but the kitchen sink.  As Jonsi said, it was "textbook" narc.    NSis finished up with a text saying that her only intent was to have a friendly call and "catch up" about "good and positive" things.  Was she deluded?  SHE started the communication chain by accusing me, basically, of stealing the family photos out from under her.  She called me nasty names, verbally abused me, harassed me, refused to stop when I told her I was done, and blamed it all on me and my defective personality.  What amazed me was her ability to shift tactics with in minutes.  It was like talking to Sybil.  One minute she was kind and nice and wanting to make amends, the next she's raging at me and telling me I'm worthless (she even threatened during one early email to not have a relationship with me.)I do wonder if there are other factors (bipolar or borderline) that play into her behavior, but regardless, she is dangerous to me.

So, that in a nut shell has been my life since Christmas.  I'm exhausted.  And tired.  And the thing is, I'm disheartened to know that it is never going to stop.  Even if I go NC with NSis, she will never let me go.  She'll always be there, waiting, to jump on any opportunity to get me.  I hate that, even with NC, ACoNs are left looking over their shoulder, waiting for the boogie man to jump out of the shadows.  That, even with boundaries, we jump at a phone ringing or get sinking feelings (instead of happy ones) when an unexpected package shows up.  I'm tired of the fact that every damn birthday or holiday or anything wonderful has to be mired with drama and crap.  Even if I've stayed out of the fray or walled me and my FOC off, they are still there, on the other side of the fence, waiting to engulf us at all times.  I'm tired of mending fences and using my sheer will to hold them up, only to have MIL barge through them again.  Any crack in the wall, is an invitation to engulf us again.  I'm pissed off that I've had to make decisions about my future based on what I can deal with from these people.   Or that we've had to bow out of things we loved, because the narcs took over.  This shit SUCKS.

I will say, on a positive note, that even as tired as a I am, I'm stronger.  And better.  They may be wearing me out, but I'm holding my own.  I'm not in a ball on the floor in tears.  I'm not wandering around like a zombie, unable to participate in life.  I'm not beating myself up at every opportunity.  I'm not perfect, I still have a lot to learn and do, but it's getting better.

Family

When I was little, family was the most important thing to me.  I was aware of my feelings in a way I doubt other kids think about their family.  I remember always wanting to be with my family.  I passed up on social events to stay home and hang out with my family.  I am allergic to animals, so I actually couldn't go to other people's houses as much, which just compounded the problem.  But I didn't mind.  I LOVED spending time with my family.  I loved my mother.  I idolized her.  I have a book I wrote about her, in which I embellished a small act on her part into her "saving my life" (I remember that's how she had conveyed the seriousness of the event at the time).  I wrote poems about her, poems about my family, homework assignments spotlighted my family.

I loved family get-togethers.  We frequently got together with my father's family and I loved it.  The cousins, my grandma, the aunts and uncles.  I loved being around different people.  We rarely got together with my mother's family, at least not all together.  But we saw them.  My parents had a couple of friends we saw.  I loved that too.

My little sister was my constant companion.  She went every where with me (except the times she went with her friends).  I watched her on every holiday and summer break.  We were in the same classes (mom putting me in the younger age group, so we would be together.  Always even.  Also, it helped NM not have to run around to double the activities).  My sister always expected to share my friends (and later boyfriends).  We were close.  She was violent.  I was afraid of her and her temper.  But we were "close".

But none of us was really close.  Not really.  I can look back and see how we all kind of just floated together.  Like boats, tethered together on the sea.  Bouncing into each other and near each other, but not really connecting.  We did lots of things together.  But I don't remember a lot of glowing memories.  I don't remember feeling that was of love.  NM and NSis were close, completely enmeshed.  And on occasion, they would let me hang out too.  Lots of times I was relegated to dad.  Working in the garage.  I spent a lot of time alone.  I read books, I played in my room.   I remember pulling together for my sister's homework as a team, but I don't remember anyone really being excited by anything I did.  I was just there, a constant.  I remember being asked a lot to accommodate my sister so she didn't tantrum.  She got her way a lot.  NM recently told me that sister had told her she was a big softie with us.  NM loved that she was referred to this way.  She liked being the nice parent (she used my dad as an enforcer).  NM was a softie, with my sister (and for what it's worth, the soft treatment wasn't preferential and most likely fucked my sister up completely.).  I was NM's assistant, her helper, her little me.

But I felt almost a desperate desire to be around them.  When the divorce hit, I was stunned.  I was 14 (ish, I really struggle to remember the exact order of things and dates.  It's all a blur).  I remember feeling like my family had exploded.  Like it had died.  We all seemed to be blown in different directions.

I was devastated.  I struggled so much with the complete dissolution of my family.  Everyone (except me) went crazy for a time; some longer than others.  I tried so desperately to hang onto the pieces.  To hold it together.  I remember feeling very alone.  Forgotten, abandoned.

Through my twenties, I did everything I could to improve the relationships with my family that were so rapidly deteriorating.  Every interaction with my sister and mother ended badly.  Fights, arguments  lots of tears.  I racked my brain about how to fix it.  My dad has always been distant, and continued to be (My father, not a narcissist, but a very self-centered person, recently asked me why I wasn't eating the eggs he'd made for breakfast.  I informed him, as I have on every visit in the last few years - around 5- that I have hated eggs since I was 2.  I've never eaten eggs.  Anyone close to me knows this.  He doesn't know it.)

I hosted my family.  I bought thoughtful gifts.  I supported my sister through every drunk, tearful, 3 a.m. phone call, and the various sob fests in between.  I watched her repeatedly create such horrific havoc in her own life - and consequently that of her "family."  Then, she would demand support, endless hours to vent or unleash, long tirades about how unfair it all was.  But no change, no attempts to grow up and make things better.

I had glimmers things would get better.  Moments that I thought things were getting better.  Break throughs.  And falls back wards.  Lots and lots of slips backwards.

I find it ironic.  Ironic that it is me that they accuse of not being there for my "family".  Of not living up to my obligation.  It's ironic that they accuse me of being "cold", and "calloused", and completely uninterested in family.

It's the same way with my in-laws now.  When I started out with them, I wanted so much to fit in.  To be a part of a big, "loving", family.  But twists and turns, and I've somehow come to be the enemy to them now too.  I'm the one out to destroy the family.  I'm the one on the outside.

I just don't get it.   Can't people realize that if I hadn't been about to kill myself, I would never have had to step away from my "family"?  That someone like me, who idolizes and worships her family, would never run for the hills screaming, if it hadn't gone very, very wrong?  That I'm not interested in being right, or having my way, or controlling the family.  That it isn't about some petty disagreement.  That this is about someone finally having to step away from family before it killed me or sucked me down with it into crazy town.

Changing Winds

I've had a shit day.  NSis started gearing up for me a few weeks ago and exploded on me today in  mix of crazy-making, intimidation, abuse, and anger.  Full on narc rage.  But that is a post for another day, as I need to let it go for a bit before I write about it.

I found this article today.  Here is the link.  Below I've included a link to an the article I first found, and one woman's take on this.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2303588/The-mother-says-having-children-biggest-regret-life.html

However, I stumbled upon this article.  I really don't need to explain my feelings on this woman.  I'm sure you can imagine and have a similar feeling.  Partially, I'm glad she is saying what she is saying.  Maybe this "truths" we hold about mothers will finally start to clear up in society.  I'm sad for her kids.   She says several times that she is "certain" her kids "felt loved."  But you don't know?  Didn't you ask them?  You ticked the boxes, lady.  You did what you felt obligated to do.  Your kids ran to there father for love and support.  You didn't love them, you did what you thought you should (um, good for you?).  Anyway, her dribble is so typical of narc mommies (and I'm not saying she is a narc mommy, but I imagine many of them feel the way she does) that I wanted to share it with others.   It paints a very, vivid picture of what we are dealing with.

My "favorite" line she wrote was "I missed the dog before it even occurred to me that I'd left Stuart outside the shop."  Awesome lady.  Just awesome.

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/mother-declares-her-children-biggest-regret-her-life-153000908.html


I might add, I just remembered something I read on a blog once (I believe as a comment, if anyone knows remembers who to attribute it to, I'd appreciate it).  This person said something to the effect of "orphanages feed, clothe, and "care" for the needs of kids too.  But an orphanage is no more a parent than these people are."

The Elephant in the Room

Easter provided me with lots of opportunities to practice my new narc management skills.  I hope to write some posts on how I've been able to manage my NSis and NM better.  But for now, NMIL is stuck in my craw.  So, again this post will be about her.

I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon.  I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them.  I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids.  As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all).  But it was manageable   I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.

Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend.  I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me.  When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed.  But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger.  As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced  how I could approach him in a less aggressive way.  When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home.  I had expected you home at 4."  He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off.  OK.  I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door.  I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.)  I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help.  He agreed.

It was wonderful.  I felt accomplished.  I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening.  So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back.  He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday.  They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner."  So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it.  MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them.  No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL.  Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs.  There is an agenda to it:  she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL.  It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line.  She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky.  Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say.  But it just seems like this happens all the time.  MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans.  No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us.  Sure, we can refuse to go.  We can say we have other plans.  But we know there is an implied demand that we comply.  It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact.  We are never consulted.  And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.

But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it.  But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too.  They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour.  I told (MIL) that we couldn't."  So, here we were.  Another surprise visit.  A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour.  BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time.  But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated.  My stomach started hurting.  I tensed up.  I started shaking and getting antsy.  What in the hell was going on?  My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go.  This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.

A little background to the farm tours.  The farm is down the street from my house.  I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend).  SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise).  I believe they went with us once.  But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends.  Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to.  But this isn't the first time this has happened.  It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else.  It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together.  In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids  (cousins of close age) can play.  DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us.  Ever.  After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together.  So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people.  And that's what happened here.  BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL.  We are not family apparently   And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us.  MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all.   They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us.  Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother.   She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch.  Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)

I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table.  But hearing about the farm just shut me down.  I had to tell him.  I had to tell him my feelings.  I needed to get it out and I needed his support.  But I knew better.  I knew he wouldn't understand.  I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me.  But it sounded stupid.  Why couldn't they go to the tour?  They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically.  Another habit she has.  She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.)  DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic.  And that's what I'm sure I sounded like.  This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place.   She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.

I thought and thought about it.  I consumed a glass of wine.  And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:

MIL is like an elephant.  A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force.  You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons.  The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face.  And she's running at me with a flag in her hand.  Constantly.  This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine.  She just barrels right over the top of me.  It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle.  She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself.  So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine.  She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way.  She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created.  For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others.  AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me.  (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share.  That family does share.  There are no boundaries).  She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too.  She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there.  She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself.  She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything.  It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself.  How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created).  She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm.  It'll be an annual "family thing".  And she does this to me over and over and over and over.

But here is the hard part.  Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant.  They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!"  "She's just excited" they'll exclaim.  They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour.  Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own".  They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go.  They'll say, why do you need credit?  But the thing is, I don't need the credit.  But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT.  She has to be in charge and directing it all.  No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her.  Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants.  No one sees that she has buried me in the ground.  They just see a loving, excited grandma.  I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.

A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant.  That is what she is to me.  Recognizing this has helped.  I actually was able to communicate this to DH.  He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.

But what do I do now?  How do I stop a charging elephant?  How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?

Phonies

After my last post, something Kara said got me thinking more about my anger towards my MIL.   What exactly it is that pisses me off.

I've said before how much I dislike phoniness in people.  I spoke before of my BIL (her son and "mini-me", a term I hate, but actually feel is apt here) and how fake and superficial he is.  How he is all surface and, in my opinion, has little depth.

MIL is a bunch of window dressing too.  In all honesty,  I really know very little about what MIL really likes or cares about.  She projects being a devout Christian.  She projects being very connected to her family.  She loves when people envy her "close" family and point out how wonderful we all are.  She likes the "best" of things.  Not necessarily the most expensive or fanciest things.  But she likes to be "in the know".  She likes to be trendy and be the first one to know about things.  She loves to recommend restaurants and wines and resorts.  She is easily swayed by other's opinions.  If someone she respects (or even someone she feels is knowledgeable  says something, she believes it and adopts their opinion for herself.   She rarely questions something.  It doesn't matter if how she personally feels about something.  If someone tells her a wine is awesome, she will say it is awesome too.  I've seen her quickly take on my husband's opinions about all kinds of things.  If he likes a wine or a beer, she likes it.  If he is eating a food, she has to try it and proclaim how much  she LOVES it (she is often overly extreme in her descriptions of things.  Things are THE BEST.  Or she LOVES something.)  She wants to fit in.  She does very little thinking for herself.   DH and I have often joked that he could hand her a glass of rancid wine, and if he talked it up enough, she too would proclaim it to be wonderful.  She has been spoon fed her beliefs on religion by her parents and never questions.  In fact, I rarely see her question anything from certain people in her life.  She is easily swayed by those she deems authorities.   However, if someone (often me) expresses an alternative opinion, she has to prove I'm wrong.  She does not have an ability to allow for multiple opinions to be "right".  She is very, very black and white.  I used to blame a lot of this on, what I believe to be ADHD.  But it just kept being more than that.   MIL is flighty.  She flits from interest to interest (and is always, coincidentally involved in anything her kids are involved in: sports, travel, wine.  Their interests are now her interests).  I've never seen her stick with anything except church, and even then she has waffled in her "convictions" as her preacher son expressed doubts.  She even has moved churches recently, with little explanation, despite being very devoted to her church several years back.  She loves get rich quick schemes and is a dreamer.  And talent of mine she notices, she instantly proclaims that I should do that for a profession.  I know of not one single interest, hobby, or idea that she has come to in her own way.  And consequently, nothing sticks.  Nothing has been a constant in her life.

When I first met her, she was very self assured in her way being the right way.  She badgered me.  She pushed me.  In my opinion, she bullied me.  Subtly.  She has a keen ability to undercut people's character or appearance in an extremely subtle way.  She bossed me around relentlessly.  DH used to say it's because she was the mom of four boys and just was used to being in charge.  So, she just took charge of me too.  She expected me to just do what she wanted.  I was desperate to please her and tried hard to be respectful.  She didn't raise children but directed them on paths she found to be right.  She had an opinion about everything I did and did not allow for much dissent.  She wanted me to be married in the same month as she, she pushed for the god-awful veil that she wanted me to wear and then criticized the one I wanted.  She pushed relentlessly for grand children.  Despite me continued attempts to explain why I wasn't ready, she pushed.  Once, she even told me that she wanted grand children because all her friends had grand children.  Oh, well then, I'll get right on that.  Because there is no better reason to have kids than for their grandmother to "fit in" with her friends.  And she told me I was expected to have the first grandchild and told SIL she had to wait for me and DH to have that child before they could have one.  I never understood why, except that that was the way MIL wanted it to be.  Or God told her that was the way it should be.  Such crap.  She decided who was ready and who wasn't to have kids.  She pushed me to create a home and life for my kids that was the same as the one she had created for DH.  It was like she wanted to recreate DH's childhood through me and DH.   She bought all DH's work wardrobe when he graduated college.  She called him to regulate his brothers.  She put family decisions on DH's shoulders, so to avoid blame herself should it back fire.  She manipulated in whispers behind my back and DH's back.  She tried to create a hierarchy with DH in charge of the family, something that caused extreme resentment from my SIL.

It would've been easier at this time to stand up to her.  I wish, desperately at times, that I could go back and stand up to her.  Put my foot down.  But any sort of dissent on my part got her angry.  And I didn't want to get her angry.  I wanted her to like me.    I felt at the time such a strong tearing inside of me.  I was trying so hard to be myself, but I knew the more I tried to be myself, the more upset she got.  Anything I said that she didn't like was met with a snarky laugh that came off like she was teasing me, but was meant to express her anger at me.  But in a way no one could call her on.  She huffed a lot.  And most of that was lost on DH.  He didn't see then (and still struggles to see) her subtle expressions of disdain or anger.  How her huffs and eye rolls and quiet, sneaky secret whispers just out of ear shot got to me.  He told me to just let it go and ignore it like he did.  But I couldn't.

After awhile, she realized she couldn't control me.   I also believe she felt DH's loyalty starting to shift.  So, she seemed to adopt the policy of becoming like me.  Because, after all, if DH thought so highly of me, there must be something to that.  So, she started adopting my tastes, my hobbies, my talents for herself.  And that's where the phoniness came in.  She started complimenting me all the damn time.  But the thing is, the compliments where never really about me, but rather something she coveted in me.  I've never heard the woman say "Jessie, you are a really good..."  All her compliments, to everyone, begin with "I think you are good at."  Every, single one begins with the "I think" statement.  It is all in relation to her opinions on things.  Even when she's told me she is bragging to someone else about me, she says "MY DIL, is so good at...".  It drives me crazy.  She's attempting to control me by winning me over now.  She thinks that by telling me she likes my toe nail polish or the color I picked for my walls or some other trivial piece of crap, I'll think she is a nice person.  This is also how she tries to get to my kids.  She tells them "grammy thinks you are so smart.  Grammy thinks you are so athletic."   She's trying to make them think she is being complimentary to them and make them like her more.  But she's still setting them up to cater to her opinions of things.  If "grammy" likes something you do, then you get a compliment.    She compliments my shoes or my earrings, while at the same time proclaiming she's going to get some for herself.  Instead of trying to make me her, she is trying to be me.  I guess, she assumes that I'll then like her more?  It seems so stupid to me.  But I'm not a narc.

But the part that makes me angry is that she has be in a bind.  She never insults me directly.  She's never been out and out rude (although I think she's been rude a million times, it's just easy for other's to explain away.  "She didn't mean it like that") or called me names or spoke negatively about me without couching it in "I'm concerned" terms.    She compliments me.  And, although I know these compliments are fake and phony, and an attempt to control my feelings towards her, how the hell do you call someone on that?  How do you say, when you told me my toe nail polish was nice, you were being an ass?  I would sound like a loon.  And she knows that.

I can't not be the bad DIL, because there is nothing to point to.  What I can point to seems petty.  My NM and NSis are obviously bitchy at times.  I have clear evidence of them being assholes.  MIL hides her asshole-ery amongst "love" and "concern" and fake bullshit compliments.  She hides her controlling nature behind wanting to help.  On the rare occasion that she still snarks, it comes so far out of left field that I don't see it coming (not too very long ago, my husband was talking to her and FIL about her babysitting my niece and how my BIL and SIL had become overly-dependent on grandparents to help them care for their kids.  MIL snapped "well, I'd do babysit for you too, but you don't want me to."  We all knew the comment was directed at me.  It was accusatory and made her out to be a victim of sorts.  She also knew that I couldn't get into a discussion about her babysitting without getting into a discussion about the deeper issues in our relationship.  We were in her house, she had DH and FIL to (in her mind) back her up.  She was looking for a fight, or at the least to put me in my place and express her anger at me in a way that I wasn't prepared to discuss.  She was also looking to deflect any guilt she felt about being overly involved with my niece back on to me.  These situations come up a lot.  She turns any sort of "attack" that she feels back onto me being somehow wrong.  It makes it extremely difficult to discuss anything.  And for what it's worth, she had never once discussed being upset about not babysitting to me before this comment nor in the three years since -in which I still haven't let her babysit.  She has never, once, confronted me directly about anything.  It's either behind my back, in a snarky passive-aggressive way to my face, or she pretends that she is not upset.)  She is always shucking and jiving, to borrow a phrase from some other bloggers.  You can not pin her down on anything without her turning it back on me, stomping off and getting defensive, or ignoring it all together.  I can't confront her, but she won't confront me either.  And she also has an amazing ability to do these things when no one else is around to see it.  It's hard to prove something that no one else sees.

What makes me angriest is to see her perpetuating this phoniness onto my kids.  She has a certain enraptured smile, with half closed eyes as she rocks and hums and holds my kids (or my niece and nephew) that makes me want to slap her.  I can clearly see it isn't because she is making a connection with the kids or feeling love, but rather because she is pulling off the narc supply they provide her.  They make her feel love, they make her feel special.  She is getting her physical attention needs met.  It is not about providing loving, physical contact to the kids (hence, she often misses the cues that the kids are over it.)  Although she isn't malignant or nasty to the kids, she does try to control the relationships.  She has pushed for my son and my niece to be super close.  She labels my son as "all boy" despite knowing little about who he is.   She doesn't send him little cards or stickers in the mail the way the other grandmas do.  In fact, when she is not with him (and often when she is) she pays him little to no attention.  She can not have meaningful interactions with him.  When he was a young baby, she literally held his fingers and pushed the buttons on a toy in order to "teach" him how it worked.  She had no concern for him learning how to do it, or giving him an experience, or working within his abilities to experience something with him.   Recently, she wanted to start up a conversation with him (about something she had heard about through FIL.  DH rarely talks to MIL.  And it was clear that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about because of the way she refrenced this thing.)  I should give her credit for starting a conversation because, mostly, she talks at him or about him to us, never to him.   So, we were all in the swimming pool, my son floats by and she tries to start this indepth conversation about this toy with him.  He just said "yeah" (because all of her questions are yes/no and never open ended or asking about his opinions, shocker) and kept going.    Luckily, I don't think she's doing any harm to him, because she is such a non-entity.  My brilliant, with a remarkable memory, son often calls her the wrong name.  He sees her most often and he has NO trouble with any other grandparents' names (even ones he rarely sees) but he frequently calls her another grandmother's name.  But I'm keeping my eye out.  I'm waiting.  I'm sure it won't take long for her negativity to pop out and I'm waiting.

But the thing is, everyone else sees a loving grandmother.  A grandmother who is being denied the "right" to babysit her grand kids. (For new readers, not only do I keep her from watching my kids because I don't think she will listen at ALL to the instructions I give her, but she struggles seriously with safety issues.  She's very unfocused (ADD) and does not think ahead for risks.  I've seen it time and again with my niece and nephew.  She also has no ability to read emotional cues in my sensitive and subtle children.  She also gets defensive if I suggest how to do something or "miss-hears" me.  She struggles to listen to me in the first place and when I have asked her to do things in the past, she rarely does things the way I ask.  I'm not a control freak, but I do have some ways of doing things that I would expect her to follow.).  I believe I am seen as controlling, unwilling to let go of my kids, and bitter by others.  It has created some serious frustration for me.

She's just slippery, I guess, and I'm frustrated.  This is a woman who offers to help me clean up a party that I've cleaned up (while she sat and watched).  A woman who apologizes to my husband when she's wronged me.  A woman who loves to look like a loving grandmother, but it is all loving in one direction: towards her.  Everything she does with the kids is to get them to love and care for her.  She compliments me on phony things and when I credit someone else for the things the thing she complimented me on, she suddenly looses interest in washing me with her praise.  She appears good and kind and thoughtful and helpful.  I appear mean and bitchy and grudge-holding.  I appear to be bitter and holding onto typical DIL bullshit.  I appear to be denying her her grand kids, her son, and the close family.  I am to blame for the turmoil in the family because I insist on being different (or difficult, depending on who you ask).  I am the one choosing to not be in the family, rather than her pushing me out as punishment for not conforming.

Not seeing her is not an option.  DH is not willing to lose his relationship with his father or extended family.  Calling her out right on shit causes a scene.  Although that's where I am at with her (and even then I think she senses this and has started "tiptoeing" around me like I am some ticking time bomb).  Any suggestions?  Any thoughts?  How do you pin a snake down?  How do you deal with such underhanded passive-aggressiveness?  How do I maintain my sanity?  How do I not deck her when she gets that smarmy, "serene", ah look my whole family is together look?

And as an after note:  When I first met MIL, I thought she was a bit rude and mean.  I thought she was thoughtless and flaky and unfocused.  I chalked it up to her having ADHD.  Clearly, she just misses social cues, I thought.  She speaks before she thinks.   She is unfocused and doesn't mean to be thoughtless.  I bought DH's excuse that, as the mom of four boys, she just had a more "masculine" approach to things (despite being raised with four girls and the fact that my grandmother, who also raised four boys wasn't like this).  The teasing and making fun of people and the family picking on people was "normal" with boys.  That's just how they were.  I bought the family excuse that she was just scattered and having to corral four wild (and ADHD) boys made her controlling and bossy.  I kept assuming she didn't mean to hurt my feelings.

But things never fully added up.  When she was told she hurt someone's feelings, she didn't apologize.  She didn't change her ways (and thanks Kara for recently pointing this out on your blog).  She just kept doing it.   And so many, many things couldn't be explained away by ADHD and mothering boys.

When I found the 25 Characteristics of NMs, I was reading it in relation to my mother.  What I found was that I kept saying, oh, that's MIL!  Many of the criteria applied to her.  So much so, that even DH couldn't deny it.  He did say that my NM was more "obvious" and that his wasn't "that bad" (because he misses her subtle nature).  I doubted myself for a long time about her being a narcissist.  But I just can't find any other way to explain her than with this: she is an emotional child, self-centered, and self-absorbed who can't put anyone else above herself.  She is a narcissist.

Letter to MIL

Things have changed from one year ago.  Things are better than they were when I started this blog.  I have so many things I want to write about, healing things, changing things, ways that I am better (if not the situation.  Which I've come to decide will never be "better".  I can only hope to manage it.)  It's not easy now.  It's not without strife and pain.  But I'm not on the floor.  I'm not on the edge.  I'm not ready to jump off.

I have lots to update on.  Lots to write about my NM and Nsis.  I need to just to a "facts" update to catch everyone up.  But that will be later.  I am in a place of more peace with my NM and NSis.  I think I'm managing with them (which in a lot of ways because I am managing without them.)  They are not different, but I am.  I have worked through some issues with my father.  Well, not with him, but some issues within myself with him.  Again, it's a work in progress, but there is an, overall, progress.  Maybe not linear.  Maybe it's back and forth.  But I think the overall direction is forward for me.

But there is one person (well one and my association and enmeshment the family related) who I'm still struggling with.  Whom I still can't seem to let get under my skin.  I don't know why she annoys me still so much.  Why I can't figure out how to manage my feelings about her better.  Why she still just plain pisses me off.  So, I'm going to write out this letter to my narcy-MIL.  A letter I will never send, but if she should ever ask (and hell will most likely be frozen over) why I dislike her so much, why we have such a strained relationship, I'll have worked out my thoughts before hand.  (I apologize in advance to any readers, the letter will most likely be disjointed and disconnected).

Dear MIL,

I know you feel that there is tension between us.  I know you think I am a difficult daughter-in-law.  I know that you worry and fret and stress because you just don't know what to do.  I know you have expressed concerns to family members about me.  Their words to me, although not direct, make it clear that you have been discussing me.

From the beginning you were never interested in getting to know me.  You were never interested in a relationship with me.  You never wanted to grow and bond and learn about each other.  You were not interested in developing a friendship with me.  Or making memories together.  You were interested in having a relationship but you wanted it to be instantaneous.  Automatic.  A nicely labeled partnership.  You were interested in keeping me under wraps.

You spent a lot of time telling me about your family.  I got a lot of "lessons".  History lessons about you, your son (my husband), his brothers, your life, their childhood.  You rarely asked about me.  Even to this day you rarely ask about me.  And if you do, it's all gushy and phony and I know you won't remember a damn thing about it.  If I told a story, you topped it.  "OH, you danced?  OH, (DH) one a dance contest ONCE."  (emphasis mine.)  Everything wrapped back to you.  I felt like I was being read the "welcome" manual.  Like the list of things I needed to know to be in the family.  But you didn't want to hear about me.  You never listened, you never asked.  You often spoke about me to DH in third person, as I sat there.  "OH, (DH) is that shirt Jessie is wearing from that winery you and I were talking about."  (This was a double wammy.  Not only was she talking about me as if I wasn't standing right there, but also making sure I knew he had been discussing things with her.)  You made sure I understood how your family acted, the rituals, the expected behaviors.  How to "fit in" with the group.  You weren't interested in welcoming me.  Or making me feel comfortable.  You wanted to convert me.  You never appreciated my discomfort at your family's loud, brash ways.  And if you did, you implied I was somehow "weird" for behaving with manners and respect.  Making me a black sheep.  Implying both to your family and me that I was somehow "foreign".

After family lessons, you worked on converting me.  Since you didn't know me, it never occurred to you (or you simply didn't care) that I may have done things differently.  That I had different feelings and view points and thoughts.  I think I'll learn towards the side of you not caring about my viewpoints.  Because if you respected and cared for them, you wouldn't have been concerned with changing me.  You wanted me to be Christian.  You pushed your views on me.  You sat me down and told me God had sent you messages for me.  That he was talking to me through you.  At the time, I was young and vulnerable and wanted so badly to fit it.  I remember fidgeting nervously at my reflection in the mirror before I met you.  I wanted so badly to have a family, to fit in.  To be liked by you.  At the time, I felt touched that God was even reaching me at all. I had felt so lonely and abandoned and desperate after my family broke up.  I wanted to be loved and it felt like love.  It felt like love that you wanted to Baptize me, even if it was clear that you wanted your son's wife to be baptized before she married him.  You pressured me to say I accepted beliefs, despite knowing I felt questions, to slap a label on me.  To make me worthy.  And you insinuated over and over that I wasn't worthy enough.  You made it clear that you thought my SIL was amazing:  Christian, an athlete, blond.  All things I am not.  You made it clear that I was not Christian enough.  You made it clear through many mean and public comments on my chest size.  You made it clear every time you criticized me in those first years.  You had taught your family that "teasing people" was a bonding thing.  So you "teased" (read picked on people for physical attributes like being fat or skinny or having no boobs) people.  There is a whole separate post on how I am angry about how you set up your disabled son as the scapegoat.  Or how you made your other son such a momma's boy he can't do anything without you.  Lots of things I've seen you do to others.  But this is about me (and frankly the post would be WAY TOO LONG to include it all.).  So you teased me.  Criticized me.  Got angry when I didn't take your suggestions about my wedding.  You badgered me.  You've harassed me about having "your grandkids".  You've pointed out my flaws, in a subtle and "loving" way to me and my DH and god knows who else.  You wanted to change me.  To make me one of you.  How in the hell is that supposed to make me feel?  It makes me feel like I was never good enough for you.  Like who I was, was unimportant, not valued and wrong.  Even today you do not know me at all.  You would struggle to tell me the name of my step mother.  You know nothing about me or who I am.

You've long been jealous of me. You set that up from the beginning.  From the first year or so, when you sat me down and told me about your SIL who never allowed your MIL to see her son.  Who horrible it was.  How sad MIL was.  How awful SIL was.  An awful bitch who keep MIL from her grandkids and son.  You repeated this story.  How SIL never tried to be part of the family.  All you son's felt the same way about their aunt.  You told me how fearful you were of that happening to your sons.  How you never wanted to be "that MIL" so you would do anything to keep them close.  To you, you thought that meant a "good MIL".  But that was your version of a good MIL: one who never said no (but resented people taking advantage of her), held her tongue (but complained to everyone else), and stayed out of the way (but really inserted herself every chance she got).  You attempted to manipulate me and everyone around me to keep this from happening.  You're jealousy and your fear have driven almost every interaction with me.  You have been so fearful of "losing your son" that you attempted to control everything about the situation.

When your attempts to convert me started to quite working, you worked on sabotaging me.  You bad talked me.  You set me up to have incidents with family members.  You've gossiped and talked badly about me. You gossip about everyone.  Everyone.  You invaded my privacy.  You walked in on me several times in my bedroom without asking.  You spread information I told you to other family members.  You talked about personal parts of my body.  Then you implied I was uptight.

When that didn't work, you decided to become me.  You copied me.  You did everything I did.  You flattered me and talked me up to everyone, especially DH.  You exclaimed how wonderful I was.  I often tell DH I should just write you a manual, as you've tried so desperately.

You have tried to control me and DH.  You've pushed us (especially DH) to back you up, or to speak your words as if they were his own.  You badgered me about grand kids, and when to get married, and pushed your family traditions on me (so it could be like DH had it growing up!).  You had to be informed of everything.  You loved to rub it in my face when DH had talked to about something personal.  You acted as if it was a victory.  Consequently, he doesn't tell you anything any more.  He knows you have a big mouth.  You've never been a confidant, a supporter, a listener for him.  You've always used knowledge about others to make yourself important.  You want to be on top, that's why you have to be controlling.  You want to be the sun and have other's orbit around you.

I'm angry with some of the ways you've raised your son.  You never taught him to feel emotions or even allow them.  Consequently, he struggles with anger at times.  He sees every negative emotion as anger, and that is not allowed.  He is defensive.  It has taken a lot of hard work for him and me to work through that and teach him to handle things better.  It has been a struggle.  I hate that your attempts to make life easy for your sons, meant you did a lot of things for them.  You taught them that mothers just did it all, all the time.  You didn't teach him or his brothers to recognize other's emotions well.   You taught him to give in to his spoiled, selfish side.  (For the record, the boy I met that became my husband is not the same person now.  It has taken many, many years of work for us to get to a healthier state.  And I wasn't there either.)  You taught your sons to sell someone out if it meant looking good (moral, kind) to someone else.  You taught them that family ALWAYS came first and that all requests of family HAD to be granted.  You've never accepted that we are now 5 separate, but related families, but expect us to still function as one unit.  You have never allowed your boys to grow up, yet you agonize when they are too dependent on you.  You have never encouraged individuation or appreciated uniqueness in your kids (or DILs).  You value sameness and oneness.  To you, being different is being wrong.  So if we like to be different than you, you see it as being wrong.  That is probably why you've tried to be me.  Since you couldn't convert me, you figured being like me would make us the same again and there fore, right.  You have tore at every boundary any one has tried to put on you.  You demand that no one has any boundaries.

Even now your emotionless-ness amazes me.  You have an uncanny ability to not be able to see anything from someone else's perspective.  You are cold and dry in difficult moments.  You never said a word, not one word to me on my wedding day to your son.  On the day we buried your MIL, your calm, almost serene face made me shiver.  You never seemed sad or caring towards the pain of your husband.  Even DH said you seemed like you were at a wedding, not a funeral.   But for you, the process of her death was difficult and you were, clearly, glad it was over.  And while that was understandable, it blinded you completely to the feelings of others.  You've always put your feelings first.  You've always worried about your discomfort, or excitement, or happiness first.  At weddings, at funerals, at the births of grand children, your obliviousness to anyone else around you was...saddening.  DH used to describe you as just "the mother of boys", like you were just tougher.  But I've seen that emotionless-ness on my own NM.  And I see it in you.

I see it now with my kids, your "precious" grand kids.  The kids you hold ransom by promising a toy at the end of the meal, knowing full well that it will keep the kids by your side.  The kids that you are so oblivious to the feelings of that you think the baby was laughing and not crying (not that you checked to tell).  The kids that you demand to be around but never actually invest in.  You don't get to know them, or chat with them, or really play with them.  You sit near them and talk at them "Grammy just thinks your the best!" over and over.  She talks about them.  But she doesn't send cards or gifts or do special things.  Only if it benefits her.  She would never give a toy that she couldn't personally hand over (although she tosses the toy to the kid in the walmart sack, not bothering to help them open it.)  She misses emotional cues and boundary clues with them.  My son was long been overwhelmed by her.  She grabs them and demands they sit on her lap and grabs at their food.  She expects no boundaries.   She demanded kisses from my son, despite his obvious discomfort.  She likes being a grandma, demanding my son take pictures so she can show her friends (seriously).  She likes showing them off and talking about them to people.  But she hasn't invested at all in them.  It is clearly all about getting her needs met.

You've been rude, inviting others to things you shouldn't have.   You've taken liberties you shouldn't.  You find subtle ways to criticize me or imply that I don't measure up to you.  You take opportunities to belittle my accomplishments ("Well, this is good lasagna, but I make really good spaghetti.")  You buy my ridiculous gifts in efforts to impress me, but clearly know nothing about me.  You have blamed me for all the problems in our relationship and I've seen little that you've changed, other than you've changed tactics.  You compliment me (to DH), you apologize (to DH) when you've wronged me (but not me), you gush over me and tell DH how much you like me, or like what I do.  You've sent FIL to be your flying monkey and get your way.  You've made it look like you are trying.   You may have fooled others, but not me.

I wish I could say these things to your face.  But the FEW times I have tried to talk to you, you have gotten defensive and stormed away.  You've said some very mean things or childish things when confronted.  You never accept responsibility and you've NEVER apologized for anything.  I mean, every mortal fuck's up once and awhile and says they are sorry, but not you.  You continue to play this surfacy game of everything's OK and refuse to have any confrontation at all.  You run away.  You pretend we are one, big happy family.  You sweep it all under the rug and play the part.  You've never had a real interaction with me in all these years.  You act like a child if anyone teases you, or says anything less than flattering.  You never once admit you have flaws or things to work on.  And god forbid anyone say that either.

It upsets me that I have to be the "bad one".  That I take all the responsibility.  But in reality you set me up from the beginning.  I tried, desperately, to please you.  I went on family trips, I bit my tongue when my feelings were trampled on or beliefs laughed off.  I tried to get along.  I did the things I was suppose to.  I just couldn't sell me soul.  I couldn't be something I'm not.  And I know that you will never, ever accept that. But you are my husband's mother.  And I have to accept that you will always be around.    Your fear that I would take your son was created by you so that you would always look like the good guy.  But in doing so, you made me the bad guy and your enemy.  I was never your enemy and it pisses me off  that you were damned determined to make me that.