I received an email today from my recently distant sister. It is conveniently timed. It is not a coincidence that NM left two days ago, and I received this email today. Towards the end, NSis asks that I "respect" her and not speak to either of my parents about her as it makes them "uncomfortable". This is pure bullshit, as I have not spoken to either of my parents about NSis in months and specifically told both of them I wouldn't be speaking about her. So, I'd be curious to know what kind of conversation went on between NSis and NM about her visit.
I wrote NSis an email in response to our recent falling out in November. I've only vaguely heard from her since then, and her response to me email was to say that she had nothing to say. That I had stunned her so much that she was at a loss for words.
Today, NSis was textbook narc in her response. She was calm and calculated in her word choices. She remained emotionally distant and detached. She barely hid her anger and rage at me. She blamed me, guilted me, and shifted responsibility. She feigned shock at my behavior and implied that I am somehow responsible for out latest dust up. She projected her anger and rage onto me and gas lighted me at every turn. She blamed me for her lack of interest in me and claimed I was personalizing her life too much.
She expressed that she felt she had always been supportive and there for me (although not in such a direct way) and implied I'd somehow failed as a sister during her recent "medical crisis" (otherwise known as the illness that will not be named by her). She took low blows and hinted at all the ways she felt me to be lesser than what she expects from her sister.
She also professed how far she's come (in two months), how much she's changed (in two months), and how she now has great relationships (that she hasn't had in years) with my parents. Because she's awesome.
And I'm not. And it's the same old song and dance. It surprised me not at all. It was exactly what I expected of her, and that made me sad. I knew what I was going to get from her but I had so much wanted to be wrong.
jessie,
ReplyDeleteI wrote in a recent post that I have been NC long enough to have had several validations of the correctness of my choice to go NC. This is the type of shit that I was thinking about when I wrote that.
I'm sorry you're going through it, as it IS sad (and so many other things.) It does get easier, IMO, to deflect these turd missles launched via email, and they matter less and less and less...
As to the 'conversation' that your NM is having with NSis about the 'conversations' that you and NM had... or didn't have... about NSis, two points: first, NM is going to say whatever she wants to either of you about the other (just like she always has,) regardless of what actually happened as N's don't need facts, it's real if they say it is,dammit; and second, even if NM said nothing (fat chance,) it doesn't matter, because if NSis is an N, in her mind - how could you talk about (or think about, or love, or pay for) anyone or anything else?
Love,
Vanci
Ms. Vanci, Thanks so much for your love and validation.
DeleteI was not intending NC with NSis when I put my foot down, but I guess that may be the outcome. I just don't know how else to work around shit like this. And I'm sure I will be "validated" a few more times before it is all over :).
I do see lots and lots of progress though. Although I was pissed and angry and hurt and this ruined my fucking day, it won't ruin my day tomorrow. And that's progress. I didn't end up on the floor in a ball, although I haven't dealt with it perfectly today.
I have learned that all these damn conversations that go on are so devoid of reality that it's laughable. It hurts less than it used to though. I do wish I could hear how it all went down though; I'm sure it would be immensely educational. What did surprise me was the swiftness of it all. I mean, NM's only been gone a few days and here NSis is beating on my door. Maybe like wolves they take turns hunting down the prey?
Hugs Jessie. My counselor taught me the 3 D method of dealing with emails from narcissistics: Delete-Delete-Delete. I would complain about a nasty email and he would ask me why I bothered reading it. Really shed a different light on what I was taught. I also remind myself that when they talk it is not about me. Huge weight of my shoulders when I accepted it really isn't about me. I am glad you didn't end up on the floor. That is progress and it is ok to progress by baby steps. You are doing great. Hope tomorrow is full of good stuff for you. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Ruth.
DeleteTo be fair, I had invited her to discuss things through email. After our last verbal confrontation, I told her that I would only speaking to her in email. She is too volatile and both of our emotions dominate these types of "discussions". I had opened up the dialogue as a method of laying out some boundaries and establishing for her that things will now be changing between us. And she can accept that or not.
But, yes, in the future I will not be dealing with this kind of drivel.
I still get emails from my NM. I learned the art of skimming to get the main points and let go of the rest. It took practice but I no longer dread any of her emails. Inviting someone to a discussion doesn't give them license to be nasty. Some people have trouble learning that and sounds like your nsis is one of them. Hugs.
DeleteGood points Ruth. I get emails from NM too and I have learned the good art of skimming them too! And I only respond if there is no "bait" in the email.
DeleteAnd you are right, no one has a right to be nasty. She was very covertly nasty. My initial email to her was kind of my "declaration of separation" to her. And I expected her nasty reply. She's been preparing me for it for months (following her first attempts to garner sympathy by crying). She got under my skin a bit, mainly because I know I can no longer ignore the truth. But I know that these are the steps I need to take before I can cut the ties.
Thanks again for your thoughts!
Hi Jess,
ReplyDelete"She also professed how far she's come (in two months), how much she's changed (in two months), and how she now has great relationships (that she hasn't had in years) with my parents." It sounds like that's what SHE WANTS TO BELIEVE ABOUT HERSELF.
Oh, of course. She certainly thinks highly of herself.
DeleteI told DH, here I am agonizing over everything, doubting my progress, doubting who I am. I've spent a year working on this and I have am no where nearly as self-assured as she is. Which is because what she has accomplished isn't REAL.
And along that vein, I've spent hours and hours thinking about my relationship with her. Trying to decide the right course, thinking about what would be best. Trying to figure out how to salvage anything. And I send her ONE email that she doesn't like and respond in a way that makes her angry and she's ready to cut me out of her life. I guess it speaks volumes about her and her "reality".
"I knew what I was going to get from her but I had so much wanted to be wrong."
ReplyDeleteAh, that's the carrot that strings us ACoNs along. It keeps that doubt swirling in our head...Maybe I'm wrong...Maybe I'm going crazy...Maybe I misunderstood the conversation...They didn't mean that...they couldn't have...
We know what's coming, so we shouldn't be surprised, yet it still hurts every time.
Recently, in the midst of going NC with my parents, I got to be a fly on the wall and watch a close friendship break down between my husband and his friend, who has turned out to be a huge narc. I hate that DH had to go through it, but it was so helpful to watch the no contact process as a third party. Even as DH was helping me to see the truth in what was going on with my own narcs, he couldn't see what was going on in his own friendship, because really, nobody wants to realize that their best friend is nothing more than a narc who is only out for himself. It's so much easier to hold onto the hope that you just might be wrong.
Thanks Grey. It is interesting to watch the process of relationships with narcs from the outside. It seems so much simpler then ;). But when you're in it it seems so much more complex and difficult.
DeleteTo me, you are just proof that no one cuts off their family without a LOT of strife and after years of effort in trying to make the relationships work. Every time you reach out to her, she slaps your hand away. When you take time for yourself and decide not to reach out to her (because she's slapped your hand away so many times) she reprimands you for "not being there for her." She sets up her own lose/lose situation, it's the worst kind of self-fulfilling prophecy.
ReplyDeleteHer seeming high opinions of how far she's progressed in terms of life and her inter-personal skills is either a delusion or a lie.
They just always make it a game you can't win. The rules are constantly shifting and changing and your end "goal" is never the same from one day to the next. NM is very similar in this regard as when I do exactly as she expects or wants, she suddenly wants the complete opposite. And of course, I misunderstood what she wanted in the first place.
DeleteNo, no one (or very, very few people) just cut their family off. The person who is such a selfish ass that they just throw everyone away is mostly non-existent. People like me just finally give up when we realize it's a game that never stops and you can "win". Not that I wanted to win anything in the first place.
Man, I agree with Jonsi and You too Jessie - nobody that I've every heard about goes 'no contact' without a long series of gut-wrenching second thoughts. Nobody wants to throw their family away.
ReplyDeleteThere is such a long stretch of anguish between 'please stop it' and the straw that breaks our backs.