Releasing the past in order to find myself

Thursday, June 13, 2013


I must confess, sometimes dealing with narcissism scares the shit out of me.  My stomach knots and my throat tightens.  I want to crawl in a whole and hide.  I don't want to set boundaries.  I don't want to confront the narcs.  I don't want to induce a narc rage.  I know (in my head) that I've been conditioned to feel this way.  I can rationalize (in my head) why these statements aren't true.  But my heart, my gut are afraid.

I want to run and just ignore it all.  Hide away on some island.  Go be a farmer somewhere off the grid.  And that makes me angry.  Or sad.  Why the hell should I have to hide away to protect myself.  But standing her requires confrontation. 

Because these narcs are not going away.  Not without a fight.  They aren't going to just give me up, let me be, write me off as an asshole (oh, God, how I wish they would). 

I'm tired of fighting them on all fronts.  I'm tired of narcissism weaving it's way into all aspects of my life.  I'm tired of snapping at my kids and being on edge because I'm waiting for someone to jump out of the dark at me.  I'm tired of being "prepared" all the time.  I can't relax, I can't be still.  They are there, waiting for me. 

I hate that I get so overwhelmed.  I hate that I'm so tired.  I hate that I lose my temper with the kids and yell.  Sometimes I just want to be left alone.  But they are kids and this is not their problem.  I hate that I don't know how to balance healing myself with the needs of my kids. 

I'm afraid of it all spinning out of my control.  I'm afraid that they will never get it enough to allow me some peace.  That even with being told to step back, they keep pushing.  I'm afraid of confronting my MIL and being attacked by her minions.  Of being left alone.  I'm afraid of being abandoned.  I'm afraid because I'm afraid. 

Sometimes it's like swimming out to the middle of a lake.  Obviously, I can't go back.  Obviously, swimming back the way I came from is not an option.  I have to keep going.  Or I drown.  And I'm not going to drown.  But man, thinking about keeping swimming, moving on, ignoring the threats of the dark, deep, water is hard.  There is no rest.  There is no respite.  There is no time to just think.  I've got to be swimming, moving, constantly. 


  1. Jessie, Don't kid yourself, woman. You see what's up and what your options are going forward-at least right now. But you know there's also a possibility if the way you're doing things now isn't working for ya, what do ya have to loose by doing something different?
    The "best" possible outcome "The Dream" is if they'd all just go away and leave you alone. But you fear feeling "abandoned," when de-facto, you already *have* been! Essentially, you're running a type of "Boarding Home For Adult Cluster B's" as well as raising your kids with these crazy-ass residents running in and out of your life. It's bad enough being a mom to young kids with absolutely *no* help or back-up what so ever. But worse, you have all the (slick) Crazies adding stress through the roof of what would already be a "full house" of responsibilities, exhausting day in/day out work etc. and never a day off.
    For someone who's "afraid," you're one of the most courageous people I "know."

  2. Learning to deal with Narcs is like learning to master a foreign language. At first you feel unsure, and you're worried of making mistakes. The more you learn and practice, the easier it becomes. I remember my brain feeling "fried" after having a long conversation in English when I was first learning, now I feel as confident in English as I do with my mother tongue, I can switch from one to the other with no effort at all. It's such hard work at first because the synapses in the brain have to make new connections, but once we learn to master the skill of how to manage Ns, they will be no match for us. Just like that scene in "The Matrix" when Neo works out how to stop the bullets.

    1. That's a good way to look at it Kara. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm out of my mind. I know the fight is worth it, but man, sometimes I question myself. And there is so much work to be done. All the time.

    2. Yes, the amount of work can be overwhelming sometimes, like there's no let up.

  3. I so relate to this, the mental and emotional exhaustion that comes from all the ridiculous contortions we have to put ourselves through to deal with them. Your swimming analogy is perfect. There is no going back, only through.