I must confess, sometimes dealing with narcissism scares the shit out of me. My stomach knots and my throat tightens. I want to crawl in a whole and hide. I don't want to set boundaries. I don't want to confront the narcs. I don't want to induce a narc rage. I know (in my head) that I've been conditioned to feel this way. I can rationalize (in my head) why these statements aren't true. But my heart, my gut are afraid.
I want to run and just ignore it all. Hide away on some island. Go be a farmer somewhere off the grid. And that makes me angry. Or sad. Why the hell should I have to hide away to protect myself. But standing her requires confrontation.
Because these narcs are not going away. Not without a fight. They aren't going to just give me up, let me be, write me off as an asshole (oh, God, how I wish they would).
I'm tired of fighting them on all fronts. I'm tired of narcissism weaving it's way into all aspects of my life. I'm tired of snapping at my kids and being on edge because I'm waiting for someone to jump out of the dark at me. I'm tired of being "prepared" all the time. I can't relax, I can't be still. They are there, waiting for me.
I hate that I get so overwhelmed. I hate that I'm so tired. I hate that I lose my temper with the kids and yell. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. But they are kids and this is not their problem. I hate that I don't know how to balance healing myself with the needs of my kids.
I'm afraid of it all spinning out of my control. I'm afraid that they will never get it enough to allow me some peace. That even with being told to step back, they keep pushing. I'm afraid of confronting my MIL and being attacked by her minions. Of being left alone. I'm afraid of being abandoned. I'm afraid because I'm afraid.
Sometimes it's like swimming out to the middle of a lake. Obviously, I can't go back. Obviously, swimming back the way I came from is not an option. I have to keep going. Or I drown. And I'm not going to drown. But man, thinking about keeping swimming, moving on, ignoring the threats of the dark, deep, water is hard. There is no rest. There is no respite. There is no time to just think. I've got to be swimming, moving, constantly.