Real Life Examples

For my friends out there, struggling with what is narcissism, here are some examples from my mother's recent visit which highlight her manipulative self.  None of them, in and of themselves, means too much, but taken as a whole, they paint a picture of crazy.  And keep in mind, these are just a few, a very few from this ONE weekend. 

*The day my parents were set to arrive, I was noticing how beautiful it was in my town.  My actual thought was "wow, it looks like Ireland here, it is so green, I'll bet NM comments on how green and pretty it is".  When NM shows up, she gets to talking about the rain in her part of the state.  "It's just green and lush, not like the rest of the state, which is so brown."  I glance out the window.  I say "You mean, between here and there, because it's pretty green outside, we've had lots of rain."  "No" she says, "It looks brown here, compared to home."  Um, OK.  She goes on and on.  And while I can agree she's partially correct, that between here and there is dry and brown, any fool can look out the window and see how beautiful it is here.  But she won't let it go (and frankly,  I couldn't really either.  I mean the woman was insistent that my eyes were deceiving me.)  It was pure competition (and really, who the fuck cares?).  But I couldn't understand how she could think I would agree with her. 

*She was showing me pictures one night that she'd taken at the party.  She has one of my husband and MIL.  MIL is cuddled up behind my husband and my skin crawls.  I cringe.  MIL does have a habit of clinging to my husband in pictures, but this is ridiculous.  NM says "I know.  I knew that you wouldn't like this one.  I only took it to make her feel better."  So, I try not to think about it and I don't want to bring it up to DH (all of this shit can get overwhelming, and really what would be the point of discussing it with him, the photos over).  But I can't get past it, and I finally bring it up to DH.  And as I'm describing the picture, I say-as I see him perk up to say something too-"and I'm sure MIL was partially hiding behind you."  I mean, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL, but I could see there was something else going on in that picture.  I mean, the woman was in her swimsuit, an uncomfortable time to take a picture for any woman, but more so for MIL who is really uncomfortable with her body. (I might add that NM refused to swim, I'll cover that one later).  DH tells me "Well, actually, she was hiding behind me."  He concedes that MIL can cling to him, but then tells me that NM actually pushed the picture on them.  That NM kept saying "move closer".  That NM pushed the picture even though they didn't want it.  NM made it sound, to me, like she was being kind, giving into MIL's need for attention (interesting that NM can spot that in MIL).  I was outraged.  Again, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL and she's a big girl who could have said no.  But it makes me angry that she pushed her into being uncomfortable.  That she pushed her into doing something she wouldn't do herself.  That NM knew the picture would upset me, but not only took it but set up the situation to take it and then show it to me.  And then she hid it behind MIL's attention getting.  In the past, I never really believed my mother was a liar who set people up.  Clearly she is.  It's taken a lot for that to sink in this past week.

*The party was at a pool (obviously).  When NM was here, I told her that and said that it would be fine if she and step father (who hates swimming) didn't want to participate in that part of the party.  I had hoped she would, as I could have used her help and she's never had an issue swimming with the kids before, but I would have been fine with them not.  I said to let me know, because I had a certain amount of people who could be let into the pool area.  This, I could tell, annoyed her.  I could almost read her mind: I was being cheap by not just paying for her and letting them decide.  For me, I don't know why she couldn't just make a damn decision and had to play it out.  So, two days before the party I get a text that she's had a small medical procedure and will just "put" her "toes in".  Maybe she had the damn procedure.  Who knows?  She made a big deal of sending step dad up for antibiotic cream for it one morning (but not surprisingly, not the next morning).  She must have felt she had to "prove" it to me.  Anyway, what bugged me was why she couldn't just say, "I don't want to swim.  Would it be OK for me to just come in and take picture and watch."  Cool.  That would have been fine.  Why all the drama?  Why the subterfuge?  Seriously?  Over something this small.  Oh, and she sent me a text saying "If you've already paid for me, I'll be glad to pay you back."  You know, because I'm petty and cheap. 

*DH, NM, and I were sitting on the deck.  I went into the house to refresh my drink.  I was gone for five minutes.  NM immediately told DH she would soon be visiting my sister, that sister and her (abusive) boyfriend are in counseling, and that sister is having another "biopsy" for her mystery illness.  At least, sister is supposed to have this.  I've been giving strict orders to not discuss NSis with NM (from NSis herself).  So, I don't discuss her.  I dislike that NM was feeding (and triangulating) my husband information to give to me.  I hate that she uses him like that.  And, for fuck sake, I was gone five minutes!  She purposely had me "over hear" part of the conversation, which I ignored.  (And as a side note, when she had DH alone another time, she was pumping him for information about a family situation that is none of her business.  And yes,  DH and I did talk about not giving her information.  I hate feeling like I'm keeping secrets or with holding, but I know the information will be used against me.)

*NM brought up a painful, childhood memory for me of a time I fucked up really badly.  She wondered aloud "Now, I went over and helped you..." and then described, in detail, events that never happened.  When I corrected her, she said "Oh, that's right, I came over and..." and then described how she "fixed" something for me.  Again, not true.  In fact, if she'd done what she'd said, the situation wouldn't have been a fuck up for me.  AND, she would have helped me cover something up.  AND, I wouldn't have the memory of her shaming me for being an embarrassment for this fuck up.

*NM talked about how she was telling a coworker how difficult teenagers are.  How teenage girls can be such a pain in the ass, with all their "hormones" and such.  This isn't the first time she's brought this up.  Clearly, as she speaks, she seems to forget that she's discussing ME, her daughter who was once a teenager.  She also seems to forget that during my teenage years she was abandoning me and my sister, fucking around having an affair, leaving us on weekends, and divorcing my dad for a "better dad" (yes, she once told me she divorced my dad because she thought this man would make a better dad).  I hardly lived with her (I lived with my dad for a year and then I "lived" at my boyfriends my senior year.  I didn't actually live there, but crashed on their couch and lived out of a duffel bag for 5-7 nights of the week).  I didn't sneak out, I didn't drink (much), I didn't do drugs.  Yes, there were some fucked up things that happened, but she doesn't think for a moment that maybe it was a reaction to our parents divorcing in a horrific and ugly way, my mother running off every weekend, and the extreme reactions of my father to the divorce.  Nope, we were just horrible, little teenage shits.  This statement enrages me so much that I have to leave the room.

*NM snarks that she doesn't get to really get to know my kids "when she only sees them twice a year".  Um, I had just seen her twice in ONE month.  But, OK.  Believe what you like.

*NM makes a huge deal of needing another grandchild.  She has gone on and on about how hard my pregnancies are on her.  But now, she keeps hinting that she was expecting a pregnancy announcement.  She says she needs  "a little girl to be my companion when I come up" because my sons "favor" my step dad (they don't really, but they are starting to figure out that NM sucks the life out of you).  She guilts and guilts me. 

*I'm discussing a gift I'm got for my son.  I say that, if he liked it, I found the rest of the set of toys at the discount store and I was going to get them for him.  She, clearly not listening, says "I'll have to see if I can find them.  Write down the names so I know."  I sigh.  This is common for her to hear whatever the hell she wants to.  And she's distracted by trying to force my son into wearing the hat she bought him so she can take a picture.  I'm trying to distract her from doing that.  I let it go though instead of argue that she she's misheard (this is a futile effort, as she NEVER hears that she isn't paying attention and misheard me.  She just keeps repeating what she thinks she heard).  I figure she didn't hear anything of what I said, but later she asks for the name of the trucks.  I'm sure she bitched that, after all she bought for my son, I was expecting more. 

*She poses my kids in "selfies" (those phone pictures people take of themselves.) with her.   She's always saying "hold your head closer to mine" and other such commands.  Then she posts them with saccrine descriptions of how close she is with the kids. 


This is just the tip of the iceberg.  Really, the weekend was exhausting.  It's like standing on a tennis court and having a wooden spoon to use as a racket while a ball machine lobs tennis balls at your head, all day.  I can't say I was sorry to see her go.