I really, really hated when people used to say that to me. Don't take it personally. As if that would fix it all. Your friend screws with you and hurts your feelings? Don't take it personally. People call you names? Don't take it personally. Your MIL treats you like shit and pushes boundaries? Don't take it personally, she's like that with everyone.
Don't take it Personally never made me feel better. It never took away the pain or the hurt. Of course I was personal. These people (NM, NSIS, MIL or others) were always hurting ME on purpose. I could clearly see that these people were making a conscious choice to be an asshole to me. Sure, they might be assholes to other people too, but not to everyone. They were making a choice, fully aware (most of the time) of the hurt they would cause, and they did it anyway. To me.
When you grow up with an NM (or a NSIS or whatever), it often is personal. They aren't lashing out in general. Taking out their anger on any suspecting soul that came their way. They were choosing, often carefully, to vent their anger and rage and sadness, on to me. I mean, that's the very definition of a scape goat. And to the scape goat, it is very personal.
So, I never understood how someone could just dismiss something someone did to them because it wasn't personal. That they were OK with saying that and moving on. I almost felt, in fact I often did feel, that the person telling me to "not take it personally" was somehow shifting the blame to ME. That I was somehow responsible for feeling hurt because I was too sensitive (or whatever). That it was my fault.
And so there I was, hurt already. Feeling pretty shitty. And then, to add insult to injury, it was being suggested (in my mind) that I was over reacting. That I was being too sensitive. That I was letting someone's shitty behavior get to me.
It took me a LONG time to rework my brain around this phrase. And maybe it does for every ACoN. Because these things seem so personal. And they are.
But what I finally figured out was that when I was taking it personally, what I really was believing was that I deserved this shitty behavior. That I drew the conclusion that I had somehow done something to warrant such horrible behavior. I believed that they treated me badly because I was an unworthy human being. Or more precisely, that I was an unworthy human being and that led to me being treated badly. And in many situations, this is accurate logic. If you get punched in the face, you generally, did something to warrant it. If you grow up with a normal mother, and she punishes you, you generally did something to deserve being punished.
What I had to rework in my brain was that my NM's behavior was not precipitated by me being a shitty little kid. That it really wasn't about ME at all. That I could've been the best, most amazing, wonderful kid in the world (and actually, I think I often was) and she still would treat me badly. Because she's a narc. And that's what narcs do. They find the nearest and closest person that will accept their shitty behavior and dole it out on them. It wasn't personal, because it wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. And it was NM's feelings about herself that made her treat me that way. Or it is my BIL's crappy self-esteem that makes him ignore me and take advantage of me and not care for me. It's not because I'm unlovable and not a worthy person to be friends with. When my NSIS rages and vents onto me, it's not because I'm a horrible sister who hasn't held up my share of the relationship. With these people, these narcs, there is NOTHING I can do to make them treat me better.
And that's where the real lesson comes in. Because "not taking it personally" doesn't mean "continue taking it because they don't mean it against you, they are just assholes". It means, wake up, realize how toxic they are and that you can not have a healthy relationship with them. That their personal issues are their issues to resolve, and until they do, they are not safe to be around. That I need to quite bending over backwards to try and get these schmucks to like me. Because it isn't about me and they wouldn't like me even if they really tried to. That their nasty behavior does not determine my own self worth (or deem me unworthy of love). That I get to determine my worthiness of love. And if they aren't treating me with the kindness and respect I deserve that it's not because I'm not worthy of it.
Don't take it personally has helped me to see past my emotions of being hurt so that I can see the truth of the interaction. That they are hurting me because they like to hurt people. And I'm the only one that can stop that.
I think what I find most annoying about people who lob those sort of statements as "Don't take it personally" is that it should be quite obvious to them that if we'd known HOW NOT TO take it personally, we wouldn't be here in the first place. All the figuring out that we have to do for ourselves could have been saved if the person who said not to take it personally had been willing to spend the time it takes to explain it to us. Still, better late than never, hey...
ReplyDeleteFunnily enough I was thinking about this yesterday, because of all the stuff going on with my FOO, and got to the same conclusions that you did. That they are just the way they are and that we hurt ourselves when we "try" to have a normal relationship with them, because it's just impossible to have a normal relationship with unreasonable/insane people. Like no matter how much you try to accommodate them, they'll always expect you to "pretzel" yourself even more into their requirements, constantly moving the goal post.
I love the way you put it in this sentence:
"They find the nearest and closest person that will accept their shitty behavior and dole it out on them." And this happens to people who are not Acons too, the difference being that a Non-Acon will never say: "why is he/she doing this to me?", a Non-Acon says: "this person is a jerk and I'm not putting up with it". I guess that's what it means to not take it personally -like you explain so well in the post- that it's not you, it's them, and they'll dole the same treatment to any unsuspecting soul who'll put up with their abuse.
Exactly, Kara. "Normies" say "hey, he's being a jerk" and keep their distance. We assume WE did something, so we go about trying to figure out how to fix it and not have them do it to us again. But it's not because WE did something. It's because THEY are jerks.
DeleteI think, for a lot of people, this is second nature to them. Like when my BIL would be an ass to me, DH would say to not take it personally because he treats everyone like that. I kept thinking, well, how the hell does that help ME not get treated like crap. And then it dawned on me, I am the only one who can remove myself from that treatment. I can't make them stop treating be badly (again, because it isn't about me), so I just have to move away. Other people do this naturally. They don't think about it. If the stove is hot, they don't keep putting their hand on it. We do. (Or did). So, for them to have to explain that to us (because it's so natural) is as hard as it is for us to understand it.
That being said, I do remember how hurt that used to make me feel. Again, like I said in my post, I felt like it added insult to injury. That I somehow was overreacting or something. But being able to really understand it for myself has made such a huge difference in how I'm able to process behaviors. For example, if NM suggests I'm being sneaky or assaults my character or seeks revenge on me, I know it's not because I'm a horrible daughter. It's because NO daughter could be perfect enough for HER. Yes, she's intentionally coming after me, but it's not because I'm deserving of it.
I don't want to be delusional enough to NEVER assume that I have something to do with how someone treats me (which is sort of how narcs act, like they have no responsibility in anything) but I've quite assuming I have ALL of the responsibility when it comes to how someone treats me.
I always used to think it was ALL me too, mainly because the standard answer from my mother, if I ever had a problem with someone, was: "It must have been something you've done". So you grow up, hearing this day after day and your subconscious "internalises" that belief. It was only one day that I realised that whenever she said that, she never actually backed it up with any facts, it was just an assumption on her part, because she never asked what the situation was or anything, she'd just blame me for the sake of blaming. I realise now that it was a form of gaslighting.
DeleteYup, everything was always my fault too. My mother ALWAYS took someone else's side. She always assumed I did something. When I got in a car accident in high school, she showed up and instantly assumed that it was my fault. When my sister acted up, it was my fault. When my mother feels lonely, it's because I'm a bad daughter who doesn't include her. It's NOT because she's a bitchy, overbearing, kill joy. (And for the record, it's also my sister's fault, my step father's fault, my dad's fault....anyone but HERS).
DeleteThat's a heavy burden to bear. To be the cause of EVERYONE'S problems. I had internalized this so much that I felt like suicide was my best option. Because they had SO totally convinced me that if I wasn't in the picture, than everyone would be fine. As you know, I had to find a way to not believe that or I would've not survived.
That's why a lot of these attitudes are a lot more insidious and damaging than people are willing to acknowledge. The way they make you feel like you are such a PROBLEM. I know exactly how you felt, because I got those thoughts too last time I went to see my parents.
DeleteThose statements have been marinated in BS, IMO.
ReplyDelete"Don't take it personally:" That's completely invalidating and shifts the blame from the perp to the victim. They've just belittled/insulted you and you're not suppose to take it "personally?" OK then, don't make personal comments to me that are insulting/belittling.
"I didn't mean it THAT way:" Yes, you DID. Again, invalidating, blaming you for taking their statement exactly as they intended.
Any statement that starts with "You are (fill in the blank):" No, you don't define who and what I'm about. The reality is you don't have a clue about who I am aside from your own projections on me.
Your comment from 9:38 re: NM are fantastic examples of Projection in Action. In fact, NM is sneaky, lacking in character and vengeful. She off-loads her personal N qualities/behaviors onto you effectively disowning her own stuff and you as the "sherpa"/scapegoat get the dubious honor of carrying the weight of her NPD.
This is a great Post, Jessie! How right you are about having to examine every last piece of our "wiring" and examine it carefully. How right you are about how they select their Targets and their ability to control who they choose to denigrate and when they are most likely to do it-without witnesses. Your NM is insanely jealous of you Jessie, of everything from who you are as a person to all of your accomplishments.
I am so often struck by what good kids ACs actually were. To destroy your child-regardless of their age-to the point where they're contemplating suicide speaks to years of cruelty and scapegoating.
In a different response, I also felt everyone would be better off without me around as I was the alleged cause of all the problems in Psychob's and Nsis's life. Instead of suicide, I made the decision to NC firmly believing if my presence wasn't helping, my absence wouldn't hurt-them or me.
Again, thanks so much for this Post. It reflects so many of the experiences/themes ACs share as well as how you have successfully re-wired your thinking and understanding of how the Ns in your life managed to scapegoat you for years.
Methinks Ms. Jessie has resigned her position of "FOO Fixer"/FOO N Waste Disposal. It doesn't get much more "Grown Up" than the ability to see reality clearly.
TW
Yes, TW, I see your point. I actually was referring to others, those who we confide in when the narcs attack us (not flying monkeys) who think they are helping by telling us to not take it personally. When I could think about it from their position, that they were telling me that it wasn't MY fault that the narcs were horrible, than it became an empowering thing, not a blaming thing.
DeleteBut, YES, for sure, if a narc tells you to not take something personally that they had just done to me, that was a blame shift. A way to imply I was just too sensitive or over reactive. A way to hide behind their really shitty behavior by making it about MY REACTION to their shitty behavior.
Thanks so much for making that point and allowing me to clarify.
I agree, if I had not been at such a horribly low, beaten down place, I would've just gone NC and called it a day. The thing was, I was getting it from tons of angles. From different places. So it was easy to see the "common denominator" as me. If MIL AND NM both thought I was a piece of shit, keeping them from their grandkids and the rest of two separate families also believed that, I had a really hard time maintaining that it wasn't ME. I was terribly lonely and isolated and had no reality check to remind me that even those these (relative) strangers both had the same opinion about me, it really wasn't me. But then I found out about narcissism, and I finally had a life preserver.
And I'm working at that re-wiring. Slowly. It's getting there, it's just a lot of work!
Wow, I feel like you just took a couple of chapters out of my life and wrote them in this post. I came to the same conclusion you did...it really isn't about me and I don't have to put up with their nasty behavior. I like a quote I saw recently...If you wanted to be in the next chapter of my life, you should have been nicer to me in the last one. Thanks for sharing and validating what I am working on too. Bummer that there are so many narcs running around spewing garbage that they expect everyone else to not take personally.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found this validating, Ruth. I agree, it is too bad too many narcs spew stuff and accept no responsibility for treating people badly. Thanks for commenting!
DeleteYour welcome. :)
DeleteI'm just now reading this now.. I love the quote you posted Ruth! I have to remember to use this on my Nsis and the others I am slowly getting rid of in this new phase of my life. I will remember from now on that if people want to join me on the next chapter of my life, they should have been nicer to me in the last one! Love it!!! Love the post too Jessie! My mom would say to me all the time, "what did you do to provoke such mean/odd behavior?" " You must have done something!" . I remember being in the 2nd or 3rd grade and this bully of a girl (she was a very big girl too), threw mud balls at me after leaving school one day. I had a white turtle neck on. It was pristine white too! I came home crying to my mom about this girl bullying me and the first thing she said, "what did you do to her?". I then got in trouble for getting my turtle neck dirty as if it was my fault that this big bully of a girl threw the mud balls at me. I think I was banished to my room for the night. Like what was posted. I'm not responsible anymore for others ill treatment of me. It's my choice to move/walk/run from them and put the barriers up. I've always hated the comment "don't take it personal" too. It's so demeaning and invalidating. I think I've heard it my entire life with regards to my Nsis and her ill treatment of me. Thanks for the read!
DeleteI like how you turned the phrase around to serve you rather than punish yourself :)
ReplyDeleteIf someone's only response to my complaint about how someone else treated me is 'don't take it personally,' then I feel that they are just brushing me off, not trying to support me. Of course, they don't have to support me, but do they really expect to get that response when they are the one complaining about how they are treated? Would they be ok with that, I wonder? --quartz
ReplyDeleteQuartz, I think you've brought up a good point too. And I think the key is that it is the ONLY response. I agree, someone who only says that isn't really being supportive, they are not wanting to help you out.
DeleteI've had other people, who really are trying to help me not feel hurt by pointing out that the other person is an asshole and I'm not deserving of that treatment. But they usually offer up more than "DTIP". And they usually agree that the person's behavior was not OK.
If "DTIP" is the only "support" you are getting, I agree that isn't helpful.
Yeah, exactly, that's the key! And your 'outside of the box' insight that the personal issues are theirs, not yours--that sheds a lot of light on that dynamic, thanks! --quartz
DeleteHi Jessie,
ReplyDeleteThis really hit home; I haven't liked that phrase at all but I like how you changed the meaning of it - it isn't about us as a person. Often, this phrase has been used to hurt me too - from Ns in my life and to excuse behaviours - I only looked at it from that angle and in it is the irony - there is some beauty out of the ugliness of that phrase.
xx TR
I'm glad this meant something to you.
DeleteThis phrase has struck me a lot lately and I've really been thinking about. I want to write another post and explore it a little differently. And I do wonder if I haven't always misunderstood it and that it wasn't always meant to hurt or minimize other people.
I would be interested to read it; that is a good point. I don't think it is always meant to hurt someone but I also don't think it might be the best response (for me) at the time I'm trying to heal from a hurtful attack. It is like jumping to the solution right away without giving me time to deal my hurt feelings. My DH is very much a solutions person.
DeleteSometimes I have asked a few Ns (at the time we were friends) what they meant by that and they have clarified with 'I'm too sensitive' or 'she was just joking'.
Hugs, TR
My husband is a solutions person too. I think he gets it from his mother ;). (Although, she rushes to get to the end of any project. Getting DONE with any project is more important to her than doing something well.) And I do know how hurtful this comment can be. I've been there too. But, there is just the smallest kernel of truth in it: we are making something about US that really isn't about us. Except in the fact that we need to use the hurtful behavior to protect ourselves from it the next time (instead of sitting around trying to figure out how WE could do better or change. We need to accept them for the jerks they are and treat them accordingly.)
DeleteI think anytime this statement comes out of a Ns mouth, however, it is meant to deflect and blame. It is passive-aggressive on their part. Maybe I should've clarified better who I was exactly referring to in the post ;).
Hi Jessie,
DeleteYour post was clear; I wasn't clear, I think - I do recognise the truth in it when DH says it, it isn't always that I want to hear it at the time of when I'm dealing with the pain of someone's comment. I do understand better from this post that there is truth to what they are saying.
Hugs, TR
I can agree with it not being the most understanding of statements (and I still am not fond of hearing it). :)
DeleteI hope that with this post that I hadn't somehow suggested that we should minimize the other person's behavior or dismiss it because it really isn't about us. I mean, in the end, the person DID hurt us, they did willfully try to hurt us. And that's important to acknowledge.
I think, though, by removing our emotional feelings that WE did something to deserve it, that we could fix it by being better or doing better, we can focus on solutions that protect us (like recognizing and staying away from jerks or narcs!). I think that's what other people do: they say "wow, that guy's a real jerk who is being rude." and then they stay away from those people. But, for me, I would just keep going back for more, assuming that I did something to contribute to them treating me that way or taking everything they said about me at face value (sometimes what people say that hurts us isn't even TRUE about us, but we assume it must be).
Anyway, I had hoped, after reading all the comments, that I hadn't somehow suggested that we shouldn't be offended, or hurt, or acknowledge jerky behavior.
Thanks for your thoughts, TR!
I totally get what you mean; I would come back for more.
DeleteBy no means I thought you suggested that. Great post and conversation! Hugs, TR
The logic baffles me. "Don't take this personally..." and then they go and say something personal. What's more they've warned they're going to say something hurtful, or they wouldn't feel the need to qualify what they're going to say. The truth is they're abdicating responsibility for what they are saying. They are giving themselves permission to be hurtful. Who's the crazy one again? If you don't want me to take it personally, then don't say something personal. Thanks, Jessie. I needed this reminder right now.
ReplyDeleteYes, Judy, I think someone who says this before they make a comment is definitely trying to deflect responsibility by saying that. And in that sense it's definitely about them making you feel bad.
DeleteI had a habit of taking people's continual behavior towards me and blaming myself. That I somehow attributed to the problem. In these instances, I was making something about me that wasn't. They weren't treating me badly or acting out at me because I have a flaw. They were doing it because they are jerks.
I plan on writing another post that further discusses this. I do think, as ACoNs, we take on too much responsibility for other people's behaviors. And that actually helps shift the focus from their shitty comments to us. We need to keep the focus on THEM and what they say, not on us. Because, while it is personal to us (I mean, they are attacking us), it's not because WE deserve it or even what they are saying is true.
Jessie, Bada-bing! "We need to keep the focus on THEM and what they say, not on us."
ReplyDelete"Plus 1" about, oh...a million?! And think about how this dove-tails so perfectly with normal Childhood Growth and Development: As little ones, we *do* think we've done something wrong/are responsible for our NPs feelings/behaviors towards us-not in a Narc-ey way meaning, "It's all about MEEE!/The all "MEEE, all The Time!" stuff we're exposed to by NPs-but in a normal childhood way, the way in which a child perceives themselves and the world. In all of our childhood innocence and naivety we believe them, of course. So when we continue to receive relentless messages that we are somehow lacking/responsible/"bad" etc. we try even harder to please them.
I'm so often struck by your other observation re: AC's: We absolutely WERE "good kids." Really good kids. Sure, we did kid stuff, but it was the normal, learning, experimenting etc. kinds of things kids do.
The Cluster B parents were able to leverage our normal kid selves into being hyper-responsible, hyper-approval seeking etc. leaving us feeling there was always another hoop and another and another etc.
I never heard, "I'm proud of you!" or "You're fine just they way you are" or any kind of positive statement. If there was something the "parent" wanted, typically FOG messages/behaviors were utilized to achieve their desired outcome: I often felt and acted as if I was suppose to be some kind of mind-reader and that's a big part of why I was on hyper-alert, always tuned into the "atmosphere," yk?
Don't you just love it when the pieces come together like this? It's insights like this IMO that helped so much in terms of true detachment not just in the intellectual realm, but in the gut realm of "knowing."
I don't know if I explained this well but thanks, Jessie. I'm so excited for you and looking forward to your next post. Thank you so much for so clearly articulating a major "Ah HA!" moment.
TW
Thanks TW.
Delete