I will never stop being amazed at how DIFFICULT narcs need to make everything. How complicated, drama filled, over the top, and generally filled with lots of nothing for the sake of attention they have to make every little interaction.
Christmas (and the holidays) were....manageable. In addition to Chrismas and New Years, I also have to deal with NM's birthday, MIL's birthday, my birthday, NSis's birthday, my father's birthday, my niece and nephew's birthday (and the party full of DH's narc laced FOO it entails), and my BIL's birthday, all between Thanksgiving and New Year's. MIL also crisscrosses to relatives homes, traveling through my town several times in the month. She also has to make a "special" trip to drop off the gifts (because it would be TOO easy to drop them off during my niece and nephew's birthday party). This year, she manipulated a "family gathering" at my BIL's house that was nothing short of exhausting. In an email about it to my friend Kara, I said it was like spending an evening in the monkey house at the zoo, and I think the description is MORE than apt. The holiday season is a field of landmines waiting to go off. And while there were no specific "incidents", the holiday season was filled with the usually bullshit, drama, and attention seeking behaviors. I had moments of real joy, love, and happiness with my children and husband. And the narc drama was not crippling. But it left a sort of whole, and emptiness in places. A longing for things to be something I know they will never be.
Anyway, I made it through and have emerged on the other side, a bit stronger, a bit clearer. But very, very tired. I've only, in the last week or so, managed to pull myself up by the boot straps.
And, reinforcing to me why I always feel like "impending doom" is on the horizon, NM dropped an email on Thursday evening asking when she can visit. I had been expecting it, as I have managed to side step her visiting for the last five and a half months.
I was feeling confident, that I could manage the situation. Give her few options, be specific, don't engage in chit chat, don't give her room to play games, make it clear that I wouldn't be "holding the month" open for her.
But wouldn't you know it, she managed to still piss me off. And that pissed me off, that I was pissed.
I'll spare you the details, but she managed, in three emails to sucker punch me. The emails were full of manipulation, guilt, negativity, and DRAMA. Most of the emails she complained about people. She did ask how I was at all (she did say "hope all is well with you" but I don't see that as an invitation to a real conversation about me. In the last few months, I've told her NOTHING about me or my kids. And she doesn't ask (or "asks" when their is an audience and I can't really answer, and then never follows up.) She managed to invite herself into three upcoming events in my life, which a "normal" mother would be more than welcome at, but she knows good and well I don't want her around to sour. Her insistence, despite her acknowledging our relationship has changed, that she is still entitled to every part of my life is maddening. That, of course, she's always welcome.
And I'm again left shaking my head at what a production she has to make everything. Trying to weasel in time when my DH isn't home (now way in hell). Trying to use "weather" and "bad roads" to not commit (and allow her time to draw out the drama). It doesn't have to be this way. Telling me she had "planned" to come this following weekend, but wasn't sure because she had chosen to go on vacation last weekend (I'm not sure when she had "planned" on filling me in). I think she is still angling for me to open this weekend up for her.
How about this, NM? Pick a damn weekend and stick with it. Don't "add on" days. Don't email me 500 damn times about your concerns about the weather affecting you coming, or some illness cropping up, or something else that you are "worried" will effect you trip. DH used to say that you were just "excited" and it leaks out. But it's not excitement, it's a constant sucking of my time and attention.
It does not have to be this hard. Why don't they get that? That we would welcome them, love them, want to be around them, if they didn't make it a fucking 3 ring circus all of the time.
They love the circus, and all that matters is what they want. I've watched my NM feed on the drama. There's a reason Ns are called emotional vampires. Hang in there! Keep fighting for you.
ReplyDeleteAs I read this a thought popped into my head: What about if you called her bluff? You could send her a message saying something like: "Hi mom, I've been thinking that maybe it would be better to postpone the trip to spring and then we won't have to worry about the roads being safe."
ReplyDeleteMan, I'd pay to see her face when she saw that ;) I think that with Ns like your mom that mess about so much, you have to take away their "opportunity" to mess about.
Unfortunately, as you know, I've sort of postponed this trip twice now, and I'd love to do it again, but I sort of have to get it over with. And I actually have done this to her before. I limited her to one weekend, and when the roads were bad, she had to not come.
DeleteRemember, too, when she offered to babysit a year ago, but then was making all sorts of drama and said she couldn't come? Well, when I put my foot down and called her bluff and said I was getting another babysitter, it just amped up the drama on her end. I got emails claiming how badly she felt and tons of other crap for a day, before she finally committed again. She just doesn't make it easy to call her dang bluff.
The thing is, she's wily. Even under my best attempts she wiggles out of things . I do try to take these opportunities away, but man, she's GOOD. So, yes, I am trying this as best I can, I'm just not very good at it yet ;)
Yep, this is one of the biggies why so many people end up going no contact, there is no way to get good enough to prevent this stuff and it just gets too exhausting! --quartz
DeleteYES! They complicate everything. I have been thinking about the events from this holiday and the way in which they know how to communicate is through manipulation. They don't know how to 'talk' to someone without using manipulations. I like the idea of throwing what she says about the roads and elaborating it further like the roads are bad because of this statistic, etc. It would throw her in another direction?
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to the 'hope all is well with you'. For some reason this seems to be a constant phrase with many of my N friends. It isn't a conversation starter for sure. I feel your exhaustion. xxTR
I dread the holidays every year. I dread going ot my NM's, wondering when I can leave and get back to my safety zone with DH. I have not spent the holidays with my family in 2 years. Mainly, due to my Narc GC sister. We've come to expect her to always behave badly and two years ago she did and DH & I have not talked to her since. Of course, I get blamed for this since we or I established a boundary and I'm not allowed boundaries according to them. We all know this all too well. This year was another let down due to their attempt to wreck it once again by keeping family drama going. DH talked to my NM about how badly they treat me and this is why I finally got fed up and changed our "family dynamic". I really appreciate him going to bat for me but it's still my battle to fight but I"m tired of it. I deserve as an almost 50 year old woman to enjoy my holidays with my own family. At the same time, it's always a since of dread that something is missing but the truth is I can't seem to accept I will never have a happy holiday time with my family and the longing for that does not seem to go away. How can you long for something that you never have had? One year in my twenties my NM refused to open gifts with us and by later in the day when the rest of the extended family came over, she acted like it was one of our best Christmases while my dad and Nsis were still reliving what had taken place earlier in the day. Does this madness ever end? I'm tired of thinking about it and I'm tired of the reminders of it every day that I have an incredibly dysfunctional family and I have no idea what a happy family life truly is.
ReplyDelete