After writing my last two posts, something has popped up in my brain, a feeling a remembered from my early 20s that I'm only really able to process now.
First, thanks to all of you who have offered your support, advice, compassion, and ear. I truly appreciate it. Thanks to Jonsi for helping break it down and process it. And thanks to my dear, sweet, nurturing friend Kara for holding my hand a lot in the past few months. Even across an ocean, I can feel you love and support and it has changed my life.
OK, so as I read all of your reactions to my childhood, I'm finally able to validate my own feelings of how shitty, horrible, and difficult my childhood was. NM not only never validated these feelings, but actually accused me of being a horrible person for feeling this way.
I never got over the fact that she, in essence, abandoned me and my sister for two years. Sure, she was there, but she wasn't. We were often physically, emotionally, and spiritually left alone.
But the worst part was, when in my early 20s, NM's new relationship (and her new family) suddenly lost her luster. I'd made peace with her leaving. I was, not thriving, but pulling my ass up by the boot straps and moving on. But when NM's new family wasn't doing it for me anymore, she came back. Not crawling back, apologizing, and seeing the wrong doings of her ways. Nope, she came right back in, shoving the door down, and demanding, in the entitled way she has, her "proper" position as my mother. Demanding respect. Demanding I treat her in a way commiserate with her self appointed title as "The Mom". No sense of understanding of what had happened, no apologies, no acknowledgement. Just "go back to the way it was" (which, frankly, was an illusion to begin with).
I was SO DAMN ANGRY that she thought she had a right to just "resume" being my mom. That she could come in and demand my damn, attention, respect, and love. That she thought she was ENTITLED to it. That still gets me. Her entitlement. She feels she has rights to all and every part of my life. That, OF COURSE, she's welcome in my home, with my kids, in every private area of my life whenever she feels like it. Because she's The Mom. WTF, lady? Where do you get off? You fucking left me. Left me. And my sister. To fend for ourselves. And now, you just want to swoop back in and claim your "rights" to me. You expect me to nurture you, love you, respect you, and deem authority and control to you? You expect me to tell you what a great mom you are (seriously. She has really said this. That she was a GREAT mom.). You want me to bolster your self esteem, play your therapist, and hold your hand? You want to just be included back in? I don't fucking get this. Where the hell do you get off?
I read a quote on FB the other day that said something to the effect of if you throw a plate on the ground, and it breaks, and you say your sorry, the plate just doesn't "go back" to the way it was. You've never understood this, mom. That things can't just "go back" (and again, go back to what, I don't know, because it wasn't there to begin with or you couldn't have done the things you did). You have to work, to repair, to earn my trust and respect back as a mother. You have to deserve the privilege of my trust, friendship, and access to my life. And until you get that, the plate will always just lie there broken. You may not take what you feel you deserve from me. I don't know what kind of accounting you are using, but in my calculations, I've settled what I 'owe' you. Anything else you get from me is pure kindness. On my part.