I hadn't thought about this particular memory in a long time. It sort of floated into my consciousness the other day, and I'm not exactly sure why. I remember at the time feeling absolutely dejected, although on the surface, it didn't seem like such a big deal.
I've written before about my parents divorce and how it just devastated me. Of course, it wasn't a complete shock, as my parents fought a lot and didn't seem particularly in love. Our house was a negative, somewhat cold household. But I was 14 and I remember thinking that parents don't get divorced when their kids are 14. I can remember thinking that I was "safe" from that happening (which, for a kid to be thinking about that at all must mean I had some inklings things were not good). It came shortly on the heels of my father losing his job and going back to college (which made money more scarce, and amped up NM's anxiety) and the death of my grandfather. I sort of felt like I was in a tail spin.
And the divorce itself was hard. My dad fell apart and my sister fell apart. It was like a bomb exploded in my life, shattering the pieces to the far corners of the world. And then there was NM. She was happy for the most part. She felt it was "finally (her) turn to be happy". She was in love, in a new romance, and she had stars in her eyes. The problem was, she also decided to "check out" of being a mom at that point (not that she had been a gold star mom before that, but she completely took a vacation from almost all mom duties).
NM was completely checkout and it she never checked in to see how I was doing. I got no counseling. She never discussed my feelings (when I tried, she made it clear I was infringing on her happiness and I didn't have a right to deny her her happiness. And, hell, I wanted her to be happy, right?). My dad was so devastated that he was useless. My sister was spiraling out of control.
I remember that for a long time (weeks, a month?) I didn't come out of my bedroom. I borrowed my father's small black and white television for my room. I got up, took a shower, and went back to my room until the bus came. I didn't talk to anyone. I went to school, came home, and went back to my room. I came out to eat dinner (silently) and went back to my room for the rest of the day. Even if I only did this for a week, shouldn't that have been enough to clue NM into the fact that maybe I wasn't handling things that well. I do remember my dad coming back to check on me. Once. But at least he asked me if I was OK. NM just ignored me.
NM had an affair with the man she would later marry. I remember not feeling very kindly towards my stepdad. How could I like him? He was the reason (in my mind) my parents divorced. When NM introduced us to him, she gave us no warning. NSIS and I were lounging around on a Sunday, watching TV, when she rolled in with him and his kids. I remember feeling completely off guard and...just weird. It was weird. And NM expected us to love him as much as SHE loved him. She told me, not too many years ago, that she had felt that step dad would be a "better" father for us. Like she had traded my "old" dad in and got us a new, better, (richer), model. I remember feeling very bitter, but NM would have none of that.
When she got married, it was a small "family" affair. Just me, NSIS, my aunt, uncle, and two cousins and stepdad's parents and kids. Maybe a friend or two. Most of NM's family didn't come (I wonder why now....) NM had decided that NSIS and I should sing NM and stepdad's "song" for their wedding.
There was a lot of little things that NM kept secret. She and stepdad signed their cards, and had on the cake, a number (213). NM wouldn't tell me what it meant, but I imagine that it was the hotel room number where they would meet up (I DID know that they had one specific hotel that they would meet at. I can't remember how I found that out....)
So, all these secret little things, toted as "romantic symbols", the marriage itself, the wedding made me feel so many things. Grossed out, bitter, angry, sad. I felt all hope I had that my parents would get back together would disappear when NM got married again. It was a really, really rough day for me and NSIS. I struggled to put on the happy face and be "happy" like NM wanted. I struggled with the step family who didn't seem to want anything to do with us. I struggled to accept the step father whom I felt had betrayed my family, whom I blamed for so many things.
And NM wanted me to get up and SING HER DAMN LOVE SONG TOO. I remember telling her I didn't want to do. I didn't tell her exactly why (I mean, she wasn't interested in my feelings) but it had to occur to her that this would be a hard day. Somewhere, along the line, when NSIS was drinking or I was locking myself in my room, or I went to high school every day in sweat pants, a flannel and no makeup that something was WRONG. She HAD to have known. It HAD to have occurred to her that her wedding might be hard on me and NSIS.
But she, apparently, didn't give a shit. Because she was pushing, hard, for NSIS and I to sing that damn song. I remember her attributing my not wanting to do it to nerves. Maybe I even told her I was too nervous. But she had to know that wasn't true either. I had been in theater for YEARS, performed a ton of solos in front of people. I didn't have stage fright.
I just didn't want to stand up and be a part of her "celebration" of her marriage. A marriage that symbolized, to me, the end of my family, the end of my childhood, the reason my mother abandoned me. She abandoned me and my sister for her "new" family, and now she wanted to celebrate that. And she expected me to play my part of happy, little daughter. She didn't care that I felt I was dishonoring my father. That I felt I was being disrespectful by acknowledging, by singing their "love song", to them. I remember feeling so horribly conflicted.
And she either didn't care, didn't notice, or didn't want to notice. It doesn't really matter. All she cared about that day was herself. All she cared about was HER happiness, HER marriage, and God forbid, she have to put that aside for a moment and think about how her children might be processing that day.
It's not a huge thing, singing a song at a wedding. But it symbolizes so much of what was wrong in her damn head. And how enmeshed I was. Because I ended up singing the damn song.
I think that is one of the hardest things about having a NM for a mother. They believe their daughters are an extension of themselves and project whatever they are feeling on to girls. It is so sad that they never get to know the amazing strong caring daughters that are in front of their face. Rough day and deepest sympathy for singing the song anyway. You survived the day, cheers for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ruth.
DeleteI read your entry the first day it was posted and was completely startled by your experience.You have written so sensitively about your thoughts and feelings while your parents were divorcing and it brought tears to my eyes...especially this sentence:
ReplyDeleteJessie wrote: "She told me, not too many years ago, that she had felt that step dad would be a "better" father for us. Like she had traded my "old" dad in and got us a new, better, (richer), model. I remember feeling very bitter, but NM would have none of that."
This is how my X talked to our children when he was "high" on manic love. Actually, I think he was "High" on betraying everything sacred in his life because he said it was the first time he didn't feel ashamed of himself. I sat there thinking, "But this is when you SHOULD be ashamed of yourself!" It was crazy crazy crazy to watch him chat with his children as if they were peers and should be happy little clams that he was leaving his family for another woman. Who would be, according to his notes in the office, a better mother.
In fact (as his comparison note said), she had raised two amazing children and CZ had two "Fuck ups." Yes, that is exactly what he wrote and my daughter is the one who found his comparison chart. She was 30 at the time.
I feel so badly for you, having to sing at your mother's wedding! It simply breaks my heart that she could be so callous and self-centered. Saying that she lacked empathy is a kindness. I'd call it abuse. What were other people thinking? Or maybe they weren't. Narcissists do such weirdly creepy things that people are like "deer in headlights" and they don't know HOW to deal with the situation or even think about it!
If your mother had discovered her husband AFTER divorcing your father, that would be a different situation entirely. But to leave her family for another man and expect you to SING??? Well that was all about validating her and showing people that her daughters agreed with her wedding. Putting 213 on the cake. YUCK. Ick.
If you don't mind, how did your father react to all of this? I haven't read all of your story Jessie so I don't know if he's involved in your life now or not. I am curious about his process and his relationship with you now if you don't mind writing about it.
Hugs,
CZ
Hello CZ, Thank you for stopping by and taking time to comment.
DeleteI'm so sorry that your daughters experienced similar things. Divorce is hard enough as it is, but when you add a parent in who blames you for it and acts like it is a GOOD thing, that's rough. My mother spent NO time helping my sister and I process it all. She just thought she could extract us from one family and insert us into another (which is a whole other story. She pretty much erased any of our "old" family and expected my sister and I to conform to the "new" family-including giving in to whatever they wanted to do.) The divorce was hard, but feeling abandoned and disregarded by my mother was harder. And for years later, whenever I tried to confront my mother about her N behavior, she dismissed it by saying "you're just still angry about the divorce." I was trying to give her a chance -even though I felt angry that she thought she could just "be" my mom again, telling me what to do, and enmeshing me again- but she refused to hear me at all. Like screaming into the wind. I have a similar relationship with my sister now.
And yes, the fact that my mother wanted me to "participate" in her affair -that's sort of how I felt - made me feel horrible. I wonder now how much my stepfather even realized that he had participated in an affair. I think she lied to him and told him it was all over except that paperwork. And my step family, well, they were not happy about this "new" family and kept to themselves. My extended family, on both sides, pretty much ignored the whole situation (which hurt in and of itself). No one checked in on us, no one thought about us, and, due to their own inability to deal, they just avoided it. Plus, NM is so sneaky I don't know how much they realized was going on.
Comment continued below:
I don't mind you asking about my father. My back catalogue can be quite a lot to wade through. For other readers, there are some labels below that will lead you to more of the story, by clicking on "divorce" and "my father". I realized when looking up past posts I'd done three on my father (they seem to be slight variations, probably due to me processing and seeing him in different ways). But beware, my back posts can be difficult! I often wrote without regard to grammar or spelling and I often couldn't read them again to edit, as it was too painful. I was trying to just get the story out.
DeleteThe short story on my father: My father was crippled by deep depression, irritability, and anger. Growing up, he was my "bad parent". He was angrily reactive, distant, depressed, and occasionally physically abusive. He was scary and detached. I had some good experiences with him that helped us forge a relationship later, but he was, in his own words, not a good dad. After my parents divorced, he got some help, got on an antidepressant, and even though he can still be difficult and insensitive and hard to deal with, his ability to at least see my childhood for what it was -not good- and his desire to work on it has helped us change our relationship (although it's still hard). He still struggles with irritability and anger and depression (he needs to resolve some issues from a traumatic situation when he was a child). But I can at least "reach" him. He at least gets it and doesn't invalidate my experiences. He's not a great support, but he's not a narc who completely ignores me as a person.
During this divorce, my father fell apart. He was drinking (more), was mentally unstable, and (even more) checked out. He tried to kill himself once in front of my mother and sister (I was upstairs in my room, terrified to come out). He was completely "gone" and absolutely no help. My sister went through his journal and discovered NM was going back and forth between him and my stepfather, which obviously made things worse. He barely was keeping his own head above the water, so he was NO help to my sister and I (he actually made things worse with my sister, as he would come over drunk and try to "parent", as she was completely out of control. It was not good.) I ended up moving in with him during this situation, and he actually tried to create some stability, but everyone was so far gone, it was really beyond his capabilities. (NM sold our family home as "punishment' for me moving out when she punished me for not keeping my sister under control while she was out visiting my step father over an hour away.) Looking back, they both needed to really pull their heads our of their ass and get it together enough to help their kids. And I shouldn't have been the one "holding" shit together. But clearly that wasn't what happened.
Thank you, Jessie. It sounds like your father suffered mental issues that were exacerbated when your mother callously flitted between relationships. (this isn't a diagnosis) but it sounds like your father suffered ptsd (?) which would incapacitate him when your mother treated him with contempt. Those traumatic issues of childhood are ten times, maybe a hundred times worse when an adult relationship breaks down. Some people never recover.
DeleteIt's a relief to read that your father doesn't trivialize or dismiss your loss and grief the way narcissists do. But I'm sorry to find out he suffers depression which is something many partners-of-Ns must deal with because of the TRAGIC impact a narcissistic relationship has on their ideals, desires, and hopes. I think that if we are able to "reach" a parent and that parent isn't actively malicious and hurtful towards us, then the connection can be mutually beneficial. There's a serious cost to disconnection and it ought never be taken lightly, which is what your mother and others like her do each time they break up a family. They treat infidelity as if it's no big deal, completely invalidating their children's pain and making a mockery of their left-behind spouse.
You've obviously done a lot of work understanding your FOO, and you have a family of your own to take care of! I don't know if there's something unique to being thirty-ish but that's when I "came to grips" with my FOO, too.
Hugs,
CZ
CZ, I had never thought about my dad having PTSD (I'm really not sure why it hadn't occurred to me). It certainly makes sense. His trauma in childhood was horrible and very difficult for him and he never, to my knowledge, has really dealt with it. He's been in therapy (in fact, he's been to he most therapy of anyone in my immediate family) but I don't think he has dealt with the root issue, but rather the symptoms of severe clinical depression.
DeleteYour use of the word "incapacitated" so accurately describes what happened during the divorce. He completely shut down. I hadn't thought about how scary it was to watch that, until you used that word. It was terrifying to see him (a very stoic, "strong" to my young mind, "man") fall apart. And I could completely identify with how he was feeling about my mother, as I was feeling much the same way. Shell shocked.
Maintaining some relationship with my father has been good for me. It has given me some grounding despite my mother and sister being so difficult. And I appreciate what you have said about disconnection.
It has been important to me to fully grasp what the heck has happened. It has relieved a lot of anxiety in me to understand how it all happened, and how I got to this point. It helped me to feel in control a bit, and not like I was being battered around by the random craziness of my family. I could never understand how my mother could just walk away from her family. And being able to see that it wasn't my fault was huge.
I think having my kids spurred a lot of the changes in me. I just couldn't deal with things anymore and I was unwilling to expose them to this toxic crap. I had to deal with my anger and resentment, as it was effecting my parenting. And watching my parents with my kids brought out a lot of eye opening moments for me. I think too that being 30-ish, I knew that something was wrong that I didn't feel "grown up" yet. I still felt like a helpless child, and I knew that I needed to figure that out.
Thanks for your comments CZ, your clarity in describing the situation back to me was really validating. It really helped me to "solidify" my thoughts and feelings into more concrete words. (I often struggle to get to the point ;) )
You were a child. You were only 14. You had long since learned the untenable price of saying "No" to any of her demands-and yes, they *were* demands, no matter how artfully contrived. Essentially, you had NO "choice" and this IMO is the key to understanding how horrible this must have been for you, to comprehend the true realm in which the abuse incurred operates in the world of AC's and why it's so hard to explain to others.
ReplyDeleteYour "mother" forced you to "Bend Over For It." She violated your very self by committing the Sin of Sodom. When you coerce anyone to violate their most fundamental feelings which arise from their ethics, values, morals, you have engaged in Soul Murder-no small transgression. You have profoundly violated that individual's personhood to fulfill your own greedy Agenda without an ounce of conscience-never mind consideration or redress on the part of you, the captive child. We know from the time we are 2 or 3, without our parent's care and protection, we will die. This transgression once again was targeted and intentional on your "mother's" part.
When I wrote "Clearly your mother does not love you," I had read post after post of abuse, neglect, terrifying and terrorizing situations, all of which evolved at the onus of your "mother." Now in this post you have demonstrated clearly what I have been seeing: An appalling lack of empathy.
*Without empathy, there can be NO love.*
(Just let that concept sink in for a bit....)
From Anna V's, "Narcissists Suck" 2-2-07:
"A forced obedience is no obedience at all, but rather it is slavery.
A manipulated obedience is no obedience at all, but deception.
A purchased obedience is no obedience at all, but bribery.
*An obedience rendered in fear of adverse consequences is no obedience at all, but self-preservation.*"
I have been deeply disturbed for you since I read this a few days ago. Her jaw-dropping callousness, her absolute and complete moral bankruptcy and demonstration of who she *really* is, is captured here, in this post. At every.last.turn she has vaulted-nay, exhalted HERSELF on the shoulders of you, her child, regardless of and in violation of every last quality you discussed in your post on Being A Natural Mother and in opposition to the meaning and demonstration of what it means to have a human conscience. She did it casually, just as she has casually stomped all over you and your personhood from your earliest experiences. Her intractable Character is once again on display-AS IT TRULY IS-without conscience, in a example that may seem rather 'small,' but in fact is breath-takingly indicative of the consistent evil which they-in this case, your "mother"-reap in the moral arena in the world of a powerless child-you.
This post is not about a song-not really. It's about how Jessie's "mother" used and abused you and how horrible it must have felt then and still feels now to have been such a Tool in the hand of a raging, evil, malignant narcissist "mother."
I am so deeply, deeply sorry, Jessie. I can not begin to convey how much I want to comfort you, to make it better somehow and I know that's not possible but FWIW, I do hear you, I'm walking next to you, and I am just so sorry. It was never you, Jessie. You are her polar opposite in every way and this is what she envies most fundamentally, this is what her insatiable greed would steal, given an opportunity. She is an abomination, a freak and a SELF-MADE one at that. You can not fix what ails here-no one can. Her obstinate refusal to see you as an autonomous human being in your own right has never precluded her attempts to pilfer if not outright steal your inherent goodness and decency. That she has been woefully unsuccessful is a testament to the fortitude of your spirit. You have earned every last bit of self- respect and positive regard.
TW
Thank you TW for you comment and concern. And I appreciate that you can understand that this wasn't about a song, but about my mother's complete disregard for me at all. I'm just furniture she moves about the room at her will.
DeleteIt's been a long process to come away from that girl that I was then. In a certain way, I think the divorce, her behavior at the time, and situations like this were actually a good thing for me. If I hadn't been so horrified by her treatment of me, I don't know if I ever fully would've been able to escape (because even if I'd gone NC, she had infested my brain and ate away at the very being of me.) The enmeshment she'd created between us was very, very difficult to cut away. But when I did, I was fully able to separate her and what she had DONE to me, from who I was as a person.
And your point about this being about the choices that she didn't allow me, is spot on. That was exactly the issue. I had NO choice in anything. And I've had to fight for the belief that I have choices now, I have control of my life, and I can't be manipulated and coerced like I was then
It has been a very difficult and painful process to separate from her and deal with the reality, and I still grieve for the mother I had wanted. But she can't really hurt me anymore. Sure she can be a bitch and piss me off, but I have absolutely NO expectation that she'll ever be what I need. I need nothing from her, and that has been the most freeing.
Once again, TW, you so eloquently put into words what I am feeling. Jessie, that whole story sucks so badly. And all of us ACoNs can understand it's just indicative of YOUR WHOLE LIFE. Not just one story. They are consistently just so AWFUL.
DeleteGladys (posted for some reason only as anonymous)
I hear you. The way a particular memory comes back after some time has passed is puzzling. I often want to know what triggered it when it does happen. I had that happen to me the other day regarding the bed I had in my room.
ReplyDeleteWhat happened with your parents divorce and afterwards is so sad and heart-breaking. I think when we were children and we didn't understand what our mothers were doing we could only respond with obedience. It was a way to survive the constant reminders of their unloving ways. I responded with obedience and reliving the memory after accepting her this way brings about different emotions in me that were pushed down to survive all the abuse at that time.
The obedience was to survive. And later in adulthood our crutch until we break free from the enmeshment. Maybe that is why the particular memories come floating back after some time, after breaking away? xxTR
"...and that has been the most freeing."<There it is. Detachment.
ReplyDeleteI had a feeling when I read your post on Anger you were well on your way, that you were acknowledging and honoring the you that somehow survived all of this and achieved despite the abuse and neglect. There is a huge amount of grief in all of this and sometimes, you just took my breath away. I'd read a post, get up and walk around for awhile, go do something-preferably outside if the weather was OK-just anything to calm down, refocus on something mindless, breathe. Sometimes, words fail.
Once in a great while I still have "Memory Bubbles" that seem to come out of no where. The last time was early last Fall. What it was about doesn't matter-it knocked me on my butt for weeks, a month or more? I can't remember. At those times I have to keep reminding myself it's OK now, it happened, but I'm safe now, this will pass. It always has as long as I just let it be felt, not numbed out, not rationalized etc. Reality like feelings, just is.
I'm grateful for you, Jessie. Although this is a journey we all have to take alone, it's still comforting to see the lights from the other boats floating around. That freedom you have achieved-detachment-has been a hard fought struggle but you've made it. And because of you, other people will know they too can do it. Closer to home, your own family will never feel the indescribable pain and fear, the confusion and aloneness you felt and experienced. That Legacy is dead thanks to you and your work: No small feat.
Congratulations, Jessie. When I told you I didn't know how you stayed sane in the middle of all this, I wasn't kidding or over-stating at all. From Leonard Cohen, "...I didn't come to fool ya.." And in that same vein, I don't think you're aware of your own Courage. Or the strength, tenacity and integrity of your Spirit.
So thank you, Jessie. To live in Reality may suck at times now but it beats illusions, fiction, allowing anyone else to author you or your life, past, present or future. It's a sure indicator of maturity and mental health. "It's been a long process to come away from that girl I was then" and you have through your own efforts. No one knows better than you how to set your personal compass for true North and then follow it no matter where it takes you.
Welcome home, Jessie.
TW
I'm sorry you had to experience that, Jessie. Nobody should ever have their feelings brushed away for someone else's. I'm sorry you had to sing that song. You weren't dishonoring your father. I think he knows why you did it as well. I'm sure your father understands why you and NSIS sang that song for NM, so don't think much about it. I hope your anger subsides one day and I hope NM takes notice of your feelings soon. Take care always! Keep strong!
ReplyDeleteJoseph Ramsey @ Sweeney Therapy
Thank you for your thoughts, Joseph, but it is doubtful that NM will take notice of my feelings. (Actually, she often is aware of my feelings, but me having feelings stresses her out, so she chooses to ignore them.)
DeleteAnd I don't believe that I am that angry anymore. I was, for a long time. Not outwardly (I turned my anger against myself, being irritable and testy and depressed). I've finally began to feel less and less angry.
But not being angry doesn't mean that I don't recognize the harmful patterns to her behavior. It doesn't mean that these memories don't float back to me. I spent a lot of time "not remembering" these things, because they were too painful. I think it's a testament to my healing that I'm remembering them and finally feeling the emotions I had attached to them and letting them go.
I appreciate your support.