I remember being very devoted to my family as a kid. Passing up outside opportunities to hang out with them. I (felt I) loved being with them. I can now see I was unhealthily enmeshed in my family.
I really, really wanted to like my in-laws. I remember them being the big, boisterous, fun, loving family I had hoped for. I wanted to fit in, wanted to belong. I tried, so, damn hard.
I'm sure that might sound trite. We can all say we are trying, but we know a lot of people don't mean that. But I really feel like I tried my ass off. For God's sake, I went on a 7 hour (round trip! 14 hours total!) road trip, just me and MIL, in a Ford FIESTA! You ever see a Ford Fiesta? It's a shoebox on wheels. I willingly went and tried to love that woman.
But what it boiled down to was summed up, here by Anna V on her blog:
"The child is confused and despairing because the more they try to be what they thought was expected of them, the more they are devalued and despised. It is a horrifying experience for a child and probably has caused more than one suicide." -Anna V
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/02/devalued-and-thrown-on-junk-heap.html
This is the place I was at with both families in my life (although I was technically not a child, I still filled the role of "child" in these families). No matter how hard I tried, it didn't matter. In fact, I was hated for trying. Trying to be honest, trying to deal with things, trying to love them. Trying to be what they told me I was supposed to be.
But I couldn't ignore, for one more second, the craziness in front of me. I couldn't pretend one more minute that if I just tried harder it would be better.
I remember, so vividly, sitting at the dinner with my in-laws. The dinner that was the ricochet point, at which, my life changed course. It was sunny, a beautiful day, and I was a barely-contained, simmering pot of anger, anxiety, and stress.
And then my MIL, whom had just rearranged my son's meal onto other people's plate, completely ignoring that the kids had sat for TWO hours waiting to eat, bribing my son with toys so that he will sit by her, chastised my "son" (me) saying "we share in this family" when I put down a boundary about hoarding other people's food, specifically a CHILD's.
On the way home, I was shaking I was so angry. DH said "You hate my parents. Don't you? You can't hate my parents." There was a beautiful sunset, my kiddos in the backseat, and I couldn't imagine how I was going to go on in a life where I was the bad guy for "not going along" with craziness. If I would have to remain muzzled and controlled and jailed for the rest of my life in the prison someone else designed for me.
I was done. I was ready to "fix" everyone's problem by killing myself. Clearly, being "perfect" had not done anyone any good.
DH talked me out of it that night. But in the next few days, during one of my lowest points, a random reference about a narcissistic spouse, on FB (which she later deleted, can't imagine why), by a distant friend, I decided to google "narcissistic". And the 25 Characteristics of Narcissitic Mother popped up.
I like to recall this moment as a sort of "tent pole" in my life. I could never "unsee" from that point on. I'm not anywhere near where I want to be. I still suffer a lot of hard days. But I have hope. On lots of days.
I walk with a gal each morning and I told her how much I enjoy your blog and how you write exactly how I feel about so many things. She shared with me this morning how her youngest daughter just had her first child two weeks ago. She traveled to help her daughter and son-in law shortly after the baby's birth. Now her daughter has her in-laws staying with her and the mother in law is a complete narcissist. She's making life unbearable. She's not helping, expects to be waited on and cries that they are not giving her enough attention. She wakes the baby to hold him and it's the only time the new mother can get any sleep. My friend's daughter is at her wits end due to lack of sleep and adjusting as a new mom and now depression after giving birth. You hit the nail on the head here with being a child in their eyes still. I just cannot understand how any parent could not see their child as having a life of their own and being respectful of that. I think her husband is afraid to stand up to his mom and ask her to leave since she is creating more stress. He's the child so how can he talk to his mother like that. I think all of us are stuck in that pattern of still being the child in their eyes and how dare we set forth boundaries. My question is what am I afraid of ? I'm still screwed either way. Thanks for the post.
ReplyDeleteI think you really need to look into yourself and figure out the why. Each of us has different reasons "why". Fear, obligation, and guilt being the crux of most of them. Figuring out WHY for you will be very helpful in all of your relationships.
Delete(Also, doing some research in narcissism really helped me to figure out a lot of these patterns and "basic structures". Often, these relationships are very similar for people across the spectrum. Definitely look beyond my blog, as there is -fortunately, now -becoming a wealth of information on these things. I tend to write from a person point of view, but many other brilliant writers have a better grasp on the dynamics of it all.)
Mourning a belief is as painful as mourning loosing a loved one. We believe if we were just good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, enough enough then they would love us, not taking into consideration that they are not capable of loving. How sad is that for them? Letting go of those expectations brings hope. You are an amazing woman and you will protect your children because that is who you are and no one can take that away from you. Setting reasonable boundaries is for people that behave unreasonably. You see the behaviors and your writing relays your feelings of discouragement that others don't see what you see. Its OK. You are willing to learn. You will find away to help your children. You can do this.
ReplyDelete"Setting reasonable boundaries is for people that behave unreasonably" Ruth, I've read this on your blog before and it has helped SO much. Often, DH felt it was wrong to tell his parents what I needed, wanted, or appreciated (it wasn't "nice" to have expectations of how the relationship would go or to express my needs). And so I often felt overwhelmed, run-over, and generally pushed around by them. Which left me with anger.
DeleteIf they had some common sense (like, when someone invites you to their home for the night, you don't linger the entire weekend) I wouldn't have to put up such high walls. But if I rely on them to maintain some appropriate boundaries, all hell breaks lose.
Thanks for your support and kindness. I'm so tired of mourning all of these long held beliefs and faux relationships. It can be exhausting. It's like I've awaken from a dream and the whole world has shifted.
I remember the story about the Ford Fiesta, (there's lots of them in Europe) and boy did I feel for you, 7 hours stuck in there with MiL and another 7 on the way back. I don't know how you survived...
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the link. I went and read the post and it was very interesting. It's crazy how they programmed us to try to keep everybody happy but even when you try your best, they're still not happy. No wonder so many of us had similar thoughts to your own, that things would be better for everyone if we were dead. But once you see how messed up their reasoning is, there is hope. I'm so grateful for the internet and the information that people make available for free and for all the bloggers like yourself who are sharing their experiences and helping others to cope with such awful upbringings. We have come a long way from when we started writing in 2012, I'm only sorry that we didn't find each other earlier.
I wish I'd found this all earlier too. Who knows how things would be now if I'd started laying down boundaries earlier? But I suppose that I should be happy, though, that I found it now and not twenty years from now!
DeleteAnd you make a good point, I didn't really want to die, but others had made me feel life would be better if I wasn't around.
And in reading your comment, I had another thought: I think Ns aren't really happy because they DON"T KNOW what they want. They spend a lot of time projecting onto others what they THINK they want. And then when they don't get it, they get unhappy and take that out on the people who are trying to "please" them (for not making them happy). But in the end, they need to make THEMSELVES happy and hoping we will do it for them is ridiculous.
The trip: on the way home MIL wanted to stop for another HOUR for dinner. She wanted a break, but I just wanted to grab something and get home. Also, we were driving to see DH, and BIL and SIL were driving up to meet us in a DH's (then) town (we lived apart for a year when we were dating). She dropped me off at his apartment (a big SIN in her book, that I would stay at his house pre-marriage) and I remember feeling her seething, her jaw set, as she dropped me off and headed for the hotel. I'm sure she felt SHE should be visiting him and was jealous that she was being shipped off to the hotel.
I remember when you first started writing about all this, Jessie. Look at the clarity you have now. As you've organized all this crazy behavior these last two years, you've come to see it so clearly. Even your writing style is different--authoritative, confident, clear. I hope you don't mind my saying so. Just struck by it, that's all.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your observations. I hadn't realized I'd changed so much :)
DeleteThey treat us like adults when we're children and treat us like children when we're adults. sigh.
ReplyDeleteYou have come a *very* long way, Jessie. Those moments of clarity are a real gift because they do give us HOPE.
And you continue to pass them on which gives someone else hope as well.
Thank you.
TW
I felt so much like this with my in-laws: "I really, really wanted to like my in-laws. I remember them being the big, boisterous, fun, loving family I had hoped for. I wanted to fit in, wanted to belong. I tried, so, damn hard."
ReplyDeleteAnd I, too, felt that it would be better to not live. We have come a long way. Here's to hope.