NM arrives today for the weekend (for kiddo's birthday party). She'll be here an extra day this time. I'm trying not to be anxious.
I'm feeling so much better about her coming. Well, not about her coming, but I'm handling myself better. Still, the thought of all weekend with NM (and sprinkles of MIL too. Lucky me!) is dire. I'm trying to remember that allowing them to suck all of the happiness and joy out of me is letting them control me. That I am still allowing them to be the center of my attention and focus, even if it is for negative reasons.
I'm guessing too that NM will bring up my sister and I'm not looking forward to that. I've been thinking a lot about my sister lately. I saw a picture she posted of herself and NM, with the caption "love my mama!" I think this is odd, as she didn't ever call her "mama". NM posted photos a month back of her trip to see NSIS with the caption "with my baby! Happy mama!" This whole "mama/baby" crap made me want to vomit. It was a very visual representation of the relationship they have with each other: a mom and her BABY. Not her grown, adult, in her 30s daughter. But her BABY.
Looking at the photo, I was struck by how much I DO NOT miss being in their relationships. They are both snuggled up, giggling. I remembered how silly, infantile, and gossipy their relationship is. Goofy, and not in a good way. I always felt so out-of-place making myself behave that way. Sure, I can act silly, but I often felt like we were teenage girls instead of grown women. I do not, can not, go back to being like that.
And the thing is, I do not miss my sister. What would their be to miss? The drama, the chaos? The fear? I remember very few times I had a good, relaxed time with my sister. I always felt on edge. Always worried she would blow. Always concerned she would get angry and freak out. And now that I have kids, I can not risk that anymore. I can not risk her screaming at her boyfriend and having a huge fight in front of them (like she did the last time she was at my house). I can't risk her screaming at me. I can't risk her playing with them and then becoming "bored" and focusing on herself (like she did when my OS was an infant/small baby). I tried so hard to convince myself I enjoyed her company. But I rarely did.
And the thing is, NM just does not get that. She continues to believe/tell herself/project that my sister and I just had a "spat". She recently mentioned a family reunion next summer in which she hopes me and my sister would both go. She had hoped my sister and I would both attend a "family photo shoot" this past summer. I just don't get it. How in the world does she think that will go? That we will just show up, fall into each other's arms and all will be OK? I know, for the photo shoot, she had some fantasy that we would come together "for her (NM)", put our "pettiness" aside for the "bigger picture" and all that b.s. I wondered how she thought we could just show up, after not talking for two years, almost three, and suddenly stand in a photo together like one big happy photo.
After she mentioned the reunion, I was feeling panicked and pressured. Sure, I'd like to see some of these relatives (although there isn't much "family" about this family. It's all scattered, dysfunctional, and tense. At my grandmother's funeral, everyone kept their distance and never got together afterward, just went off in separate directions.) But I just couldn't fathom how I could be around my sister. The odds of her flying off shift on me would be HUGE (I mean the powder keg of ammunition against me is huge. Even if NSIS came with the intent to get along, I know how easily I could piss her off and she'd lose it. I don't really feel like having a conversation about her estrangement amongst a bunch of relatives I hardly associate with.) And I can't just go be "buddy-buddy" and pretend everything is OK. Two summers ago, NM tried to push me into picking up my sister and her boyfriend and bringing them to another family reunion (and provide them a place to stay with us). We hadn't talked in a year at that point. I wondered WHY NM thought I had that responsibility or should accept it.
I know NM thinks I need to "forgive and forget" and that "life is short" and every other platitude that glosses over the reality of it. The fact is, I HAVE tried everything to have a relationship with my sister. I forgave, forgot, forgave, forgot and forgave again. Over and over and over. For things that my sister never apologized for and never really felt remorse for. Things she never even admitted doing: stealing from me, allowing others to steal from me, beating me up, sleeping with my boyfriends. I excused and forgave her for all the times she directed the spotlight away from me: on my wedding, during the birth of my children, when I moved into my new home. Every single time she created drama or a scene or somehow stole the spotlight and focused it back on her. And I forgave her. I used all of NM's excuses for NSIS: she's jealous and doesn't know how to express it, she feels left out, she doesn't understand, her life has been hard lately, she didn't MEAN to hurt you, it's hard for her to see you get all of these things and makes her feel badly about herself......you get the idea. I excused her over and over and over. I thought I could help her "get better" and then, if I could just tough it out, we'd finally have the relationship I hoped for. Or any relationship other than the one we have. At least one where NSIS seemed to give a shit about me.
I spent the better part of THREE decades "trying". In all of this time, NSIS did very little to contribute to our relationship. She continued to take whatever she could get off of me (that she felt entitled too, as I am supposed to "support" NSIS as I am her sister). She allowed me to pay for a lot, called in the middle of the night (screw the fact that I had work the next day), called and bitched for hours but never once asked about me or my kids. She would ignore my husband or kids whenever she felt threatened that they might take up some of my attention. During times I could have used her support, she dangled it out there, but then yanked it back, saying it would be too much for her to take off work/spend money to visit/ call me. And I let that go. I accepted whatever crumbs my sister wanted to throw at me and called them a feast. And in return I helped her whenever and however she needed me. (Sure, I wasn't ALWAYS there like NSIS would claim I should've been, but I really tried as hard as I could to do everything I could.)
And, in the end, the relationship was the same as it always was. Lopsided, off balance, and toxic. I do not miss the stress and the drama. I don't miss the fear of hoping she'll behave in front of my friends and family at important times in my life. I am not sad she is not at my sons' birthdays. She's mean and glares at people and can be intimidating. She is Unfriendly. I don't miss having to gloss over that and pretend she's not that way. I don't want to go back to the fear that she will hurt me or verbally abuse me (especially in front of my kids). I don't want to go back to my kiddos seeing me cry when I get off the phone. I don't want to go back to hyperventilating every time she called, as I never knew what to expect (some new HUGE crisis, or a verbal tongue lashing, or a lengthy discussion about how hard her life is while I tried- in vain- to console her.)
NM just doesn't get that. And I don't think she's every cared to ask me how I feel, what I need, or what my concerns are. Her concerns have always been for NSIS and doing what I can to placate NSIS. I think NM secretly fears NSIS going further off the deep end and expects me to help "anchor" NSIS....or at least, not provide provocation. I'm tired of stuffing myself down in order to prop up NSIS. And I don't want to do it anymore. And there is no way to explain that to NM. Sigh.
The sensation of walking on eggshells whenever an N is around is so wearing. Hoping for a drama free weekend is unrealistic, but I pray for you inspiration and courage and the strength to come through not feeling like you've been through the grinder. :-) Keep fighting for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Judy.
DeleteWe are in a similar situation with a sister who gets so upset, the family is afraid to confront her. They know the consequences will be painful for everyone. They also know from past experience that typical dispute resolutions WoN'T WoRk!
ReplyDeleteYou cannot apologize without admitting you're the worst thing since Satan. You cannot forget because you'll be blindsided again. You cannot forgive because her behavior is a crime-in-progress. How do you forgive something that's ongoing?
What I'm seeing in the N-community is that many of the "Parentified" people are exceptional peacekeepers. We know how to make relationships work. We know how to get along, how to forgive forget apologize find closure and move on. We know how to trust and be trustworthy and we know that no matter what differences people might have, they're still worthy friends. But when people come up against hostile, tantrum-throwing, acting-out, untrustworthy and below-the-belt manipulators, they simply don't know what to do.
It sounds like your sister is so manipulative ("Mommy") that your mother is easy to control and that is how she gets what she wants. You are put on the back shelf until your mother needs you again. It also sounds like your mother sees you as competent and capable while your sister is the perpetual victim, always needing "mommy" to rescue her which makes your mother feel valued.
You don't have to prop up your sister anymore nor take responsibility for her. As least you are seeing this now...that's a marvelous thing!
Hugs,
CZ
It's very difficult when you have to interact with someone whom you can never really talk to or confront (my NM and MIL are very much the same way). And my sister takes the cake. When I finally confronted her over something (that led to our estrangement) her first words were "I don't know if I want a relationship with you." She instantly went to the extreme. And in addition to that, her reactions are SO over the top that it is scary (she once punched a woman during a road rage incident.) And I was tired of it always being her way or the highway.
DeleteAnd yes, it is a crime in progress. It's not just some "tiff" that we can't resolve. It's a whole conflict of our lives not meshing at all.
The hardest thing is that my sister and mother are completely untrustworthy. I tried, until I was physically ill and mentally exhausted, to "make it work". I was always trying to soothe everyone. In it's own way, it made me come off as controlling.
And I think too, parentified children never had parents that taught us (and our siblings) how to negotiate and work out problems between each other. When we are on such unequal footing, it's hard to figure out how to work through issues with our siblings. I try very hard, with my own kiddos, to teach them how to love each other despite arguments and to work through them. But my mother took the easy way out and just put me in charge (which my sister resented) and expected me (as the "adult") to always appease my sister. We never learned how to BE in a relationship.
And yes, my sister is very manipulative. As is my mother. I spent many years blaming my sister, as my mother was the "poor victim". But I've concluded that they have an enmeshed toxic relationship in which they rely on each other to stay "sick". My mother needs my sister to need her and creates and fosters situations so that my sister will not grow up, and my sister likes to be "taken care of" and "doted on". She is like a spoiled, selfish child who equates love with constant sacrifice and constant meeting of her needs. Both contribute to this dysfunctional relationship they have.
And yes, it is good to put down my responsibility....it's just that they keep trying to lob it back on my shoulders.
Thanks for stopping by CZ. I appreciate your thoughts and support.
I appreciate your thoughts and support, too! You have obviously done a lot of work! I wish I could fight with my sister. I wish we could have it out and get it over with, but we can't. Confrontation is too destabilizing and always leads to more drama and pain than it's worth. I have learned to appreciate and value people who allow me to be angry with them (and vice versa!)
DeleteI wish sometimes too that my MIL and I could just "have it out". I totally understand your feelings there. It's hard always tiptoeing and pretending that everything is "ok". And any time I've tried to (mildly) confront my MIL, she freaks out. So, we just ignore each other at this point.
DeleteWith my sister, the fights are full on verbal assaults. She is Queen of the Low Blows and is very verbally abusive (if not physical. She hasn't been with me in years, but even as adults, I feared her attacking me physically.) So fighting with her isn't really "fighting". It's full on attack. It's why I tried to appease her for so long. She is terrifying to deal with. (And it's not just me, she struggles with everyone.)
I said to my husband the other day, whom I believes thinks sometimes that my goal is to have a perfect family who never fights, that I realize people will argue and have issues. I have a SIL, who is a N in training that he can't stand. Even though she is an N, and a horrible mother, I don't really take issue with her. BUT, I can reasonable confront her. She doesn't like it. And it pushed us apart a bit. And I choose my battles. But I can tolerate her. She doesn't send my anxiety through the roof. At least for me, she tolerates some dissension. (Not so much for other people). This I could tolerate. This I can deal with. I would hope for better (family that you really can get angry with and still be close) but I could at least tolerate MIL if that was the case. But having to constantly bite my tongue, change my behavior, and be subservient and never speak up makes the relationship with many of the Ns in my life impossible. Maybe it's because my SIL doesn't have any real investment in me, doesn't get NS from me that we can have this "truce". But with my sister, MIL, and NM, it seems to be all or nothing.
Jessie, congratulations, you get it. You are recognizing their flaws and shortcomings and choosing to interact. You recognize and list the pitfalls. Hopefully with this preparation you will weather the weekend, extra day and all. Give your self a day off treat whatever that looks like for you. Plan a fun evening for your family next week and cheer getting through the weekend. Hugs. Know that me and a bunch of others are cheering for you. You are stronger than you have ever been. You are capable and if you cry, it reminds you that you haven't closed off your heart. It sucks but it is a really good thing. You are amazing. Mark the date that it is all over and plan the next day as a pamper day. Goooo Jessie.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ruth. The support of my fellow bloggers has been huge for me. A "treat" is a good idea. I rarely give myself enough credit for dealing with all of this, but rather punish myself for not dealing with it "well enough".
DeleteYou are enough. Hugs.
DeleteI think there is not way to explain it to NM because she doesn't want to hear it. When someone is invested in wanting things to be a particular way, everyone is sacrificed for their "purpose".It's a lost battle. From here on the only way forward is to think of ways of protecting ourselves, since everything else we tried all those years didn't really seem to make much difference to our relationships with them.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm trying to move on by making my own choices instead of always reacting to them, or trying to pre-empt whatever attack I fear. I always worried about losing my sister. But, the reality of it is far less horribly than the life I was living before.
DeleteJessie, thank you again for this blog. You have no idea how it helps me and others to process the very same identical issues we experience with these disordered family members. You post is exactly what I am dealing with my GC Nsis. I'm thinking more and more that she is also borderline. In the next month, my anxiety will start to rise again and I"m tired of feeling like this every year. October brings my nmom's 86th birthday and then after that comes the stress of the holidays with narc ladden family. I'm so very tired of feeling anxious the last part of the year. I deserve to enjoy my holidays. It's getting easier and this year it will be about my peace of mind and how they are not going to wreck it again. I thought last year would be different but it was not. Here's a question.....if it were a perfect non narc world and your sister were healthy minded, what is it that you need from her to bridge this forever gap you have? If my world were perfect, I would expect here a sincere apology from my narc sis with no details. I just want to hear "I am sorry I have hurt you and I'm sorry for treating you and your husband so badly". I know it will NEVER happen and I don't even hope for it anymore. I, too, don't miss my sister and I no longer feel badly about it. We've never had a descent relationship so there is nothing to miss. I think I only missed the hope of having a normal relationship with her but I never will so there is nothing to miss. It's like I would rather walk through shards of glass than have her come into my home and be nasty and make everyone feel uncomfortable. I hope your son's birthday was wonderful and you also were able to enjoy yourself.-Kel Ann
ReplyDeleteHi Kel Ann, you know your question is sort of difficult to answer. If my sister was healthy minded and we lived in non-narc land, this wouldn't be an issue. Because she would offer an apology, or we'd talk it out, or we'd work on a compromise and then we would try to do better by each other the next time. In other situations with people, I've had disagreements and I don't expect relationships to be conflict free. But the very nature of being an N makes an relationship difficult at best. Even if my sister apologized, it wouldn't stop her from doing the same things over and over and over. Like I said, I've forgiven my sister, sans apology, many times. But one can only be burned by a hot stove so many times before they learn to keep their hand away. What I need from my sister is from her to quit CHOSING to hurt me. For her to quit blaming and attacking me and verbally assaulting me. For her to be willing to allow me to have needs and respect that I have a life outside of my relationship with her. But, because she is an N, she can not do that. She can't see me as a person outside of her reality. I am "set dressing" for her. Furniture to use and then discard. I may be her favorite sofa, but I am a sofa to her none the less. If my sister was healthy minded, I'm not deluded that we would have a perfect relationship, but I would be willing to work through a lot of things with her. I've had to remove myself from her toxic presence that was slowly eating me away. I could not trust her with my feelings, my children, or my home. I hope that makes sense. It took me a long time to realize that, while she is an N/borderline, who seeks no help and thinks she does no wrong, we can never have a relationship.
DeleteLuckily, we celebrated my son's birthday on the actual day and have lovely FOC time. The Ns have a habit of destroying every "family" celebration and making it all about themselves and this was no exception.
Hi Jessie,
ReplyDeleteThis is after the weekend and I hope you and your sons had a great birthday.
I think you have done a lot of work and made huge progress with your dealing with your NSis. It feels like everything is revolving around the next blow up of your sister - your NM trying so hard to prevent it. And you are out of that revolving door and not playing into this and pretending. Sending you much support and I hope, like Ruth said, you get to treat yourself because you made the right decisions for you and your FOC. Hugs, TR