What do you do when you don't know what the hell your feeling?
This past month (two months, year, 20 years) have been rough. Since Thanksgiving, I've been treading water. Not really knowing what the hell to do now.
Find NPD. Check.
Read about, study, learn about NPD. Check.
Share stories, blog, feel validated. Check.
Start believing that, yes, shit was/is fucked up. Check.
Put NSis on notice. Check.
Feel angry, feel sad, feel hurt, mourn, grieve. Feel a bit of happy. But just a bit. Feel relieved, feel sad, feel depressed, feel...what?
I've been sad again. Sad accepting the reality of what my life is. And that, no matter what, I can't unlearn that. Sad watching a small Christmas. Sad seeing my kids not surrounded by family. Sad that, it won't be different.
Unless I suck it up and let it go. Unless I just go back to the way things were.
Anger comes up as I remember how shitty it was then. Whatever it is now, it's better than it was then. I'm no longer seething, simmering, boiling just beneath the surface.
I have days when I blame myself. I have days were I feel sorry for myself, because I'm surrounded by fucking narcs. All the fucking way around. It's hard not to somehow think you are the problem when you are surrounded by narcs. Am I imagining it? Am I wrong? How can I just be this unlucky?
Some days I think that it wouldn't be so bad. To just go along to get along. Except somewhere, I know that would be selling my soul to the devil. I have caught that glimpse of light outside the cave. I'm terrified, I'm lonely, I'm scared of myself, but I can't go back to the cave. I want, for the first time in my life, to be me and be OK with that.
Some days I wonder why I'm not happier? Why going through all of this hasn't yet brought me peace? Why am I still struggling and sad and depressed?
I'm not hopeless. But sometimes, now, I wonder what the point of all this is. Maybe I'm being too existential. Maybe pondering the point of the universe is going to hurt. But sometimes I wonder why I can't just immerse myself in the wonder that is my life. I have two beautiful kids, a husband that loves me and is willing to grow with me (and put up with me.), a lovely home, a comfortable standard of living. Why do I sometimes crave that "drama" high that my mother and sister need?
It's a lot of things. Deciding to never have another baby. Realizing the "milestones" from here on out (and I'm 35!) get spaced out dramatically. Realizing that life is a lot of repetition. And I need to enjoy that and find the beauty in that. It's the weather, and the cold, and the many days spent alone doing laundry and vacuuming.
It's the friends who haven't called. It's the sister playing mind games. It's the friendships, new and untested, that I second guess and feel stupid in. It's feeling like the new kid in school and really not knowing how to join the playground games. It's wanting to feel relevant (not important) somewhere. To matter. To not know the rejection of four separate families. FOUR. How does someone just not fucking fit in anywhere?
It's the loneliness in knowing that few people really understand you. That in a hard time, I stood alone. That I'm only good in service to others.
It's wondering if the blogging does more damage than good, as I sit stewing in NPD land.
It's wondering what the hell do I do next? How do I make friends? How do I get a life? How do I learn to appreciate a life that everyone else has taken for granted? It's feeling this swirling of so many feelings, like the floodgate has been opened and I can't make heads or tails of what I'm feeling. It's feeling useless but more peaceful than I've ever felt. It's feeling small and big at the same time. Resigned but not hopeless. Disappointed but not unhappy.
It's wondering how to be a good parent. How to overcome these god damn fleas. How to allow others to love me. How not to be afraid.
Letting go of the control, letting go of the anxiety. Knowing the line between protecting my kids and being overprotective.
It's not having more than a five hour break from being a mom (no dinners out, no weekends away, no time alone) for five years because I have no one I can trust with my kids. Feeling that my husband must be resentful of that. Feeling that it's not good for my kids to only be with me. But how do I leave them with narcs?
I'm just really, really confused. Where the hell do I go from here? I feel like I'm treading water. I feel stuck and lost and alone.