I hate going to the mailbox anymore. The last two days there have been packages and it makes my heart skip a beat.
Yesterday, it was nothing. My father had told me that my sister had been talking about my son's birthday and was sending him a gift (whether she'd bought it already was not clear). I've had her do this before, say she's sending something that doesn't show up. I'm sure, in this case, that she said this to look good to my father. And that she had NO intention of sending anything. But still, my heart leaps to see the key for the "package drawer" at my mail box.
It was from NM. She had sent a (belated) anniversary card. I was actually surprised that she hadn't sent a card. She usually does with some cash. And she sends cards to my kids for damn near everything else. I had imagined that this was some sort of retribution for our latest dust up: no anniversary card for the ungrateful daughter. Yet, she did send it. I am sure it being late was not a coincidence though.
Then she sent a small package with miscellaneous photos. Many years ago, she gave me the family photos for "safe keeping". I'm thinking she just wanted them out of her house. But kind of in a baby-out-with-the bath water, I think in her hurry to get rid of photos of my father, she pushed out all of the baby photos of me and my sister. I always wondered why she wouldn't want photos of me and my sister as kids anymore. We were only in our 20s at the time. And this is a woman who values photos.
Anyway, this box contained a mishmash of random photos. Some of me and my husband when we first were dating. Some of me as a kid (where had these been? Why did she still have these? Why weren't they with the family photos?). Some of my great grandmother whom I really didn't know. Some old letters from my great grandmother to my mother (really inconsequential letters). A lot of photos of me I'd never seen before. Some of me, my mother, and my father at my graduation. They had divorced by then and were very much not getting along. I wondered why she would have those.
She said she had been cleaning things out and wanted to send me them (I know this to be true. She is cleaning things out.) I wonder why she wouldn't want ANY of them any more though. She told me to throw out what I didn't want. So, is she just making me make the decision to trash family mementos? She sent a few photos of my sister (and just my sister). I'm wondering if she sent photos of me (and just me) to my sister (oh, in the letter, she said she sent half to my sister.) I'm wondering why she's suddenly cleaning out things from 20 years ago.
At first, I looked at had a moment of "I'm wrong. Look at that happy little girl. Look at her smile. Look at her posing for pictures with her mom." There were pictures of me and my sister on a trip my mom arranged as a "girls' trip" when we were in our 20s. NSIS and I look close. We kind of were close. At that moment, to deal with NM, we had clung desperately to each other on those trips. But I also remember sobbing hysterically (as did NSIS) on those trips. I remember anger and fighting and vowing to NEVER, EVER go anywhere alone with them again. It's odd to me that photos can so mask what really was going on. How easy it is to look at photos and argue that things were better than we remember them being. Snapshots of happiness is all they were. Or snapshots of feigned happiness.
When I finished looking at them I felt sad. I felt so sad for the little girl in the photos. Who didn't know any better. Who thought she was loved and cared for and had a great family. Who loved her family SO much that she hardly took the time to make her own friends or have her own interests. Who always wanted to be with her family and desperately feared (even as a child) loosing them.
I looked prettier in the photos than I remember being. Than I feel now. I looked very much in love with my husband. I remember the beginning of our relationship, as we broke away from our FOOs being hard. Very hard at times. But we looked in love. Still are. I don't remember much else about the photos. I don't remember the moments or occasions. I do remember that life that revolved around those photos. And that those pictures do not capture THAT at all. I do see the pained, forced expressions as I hit my teenage years. I look sad. And hopeless. But smiling. The childhood of an ACoN.
I can't put together a coherent response just yet. I want you to know I hear you, Jessie. I want you to know you are and always have been beautiful. I want you to know the sound of a broken childhood is written in silence, captured in photos that don't begin to convey the depth of loss.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know you're not alone.
TW
Okay, so I know I tend to get all caught up in the "whys" of things when they aren't necessarily all that important, but I can't help wondering why nevertheless. So I'm sitting here wondering why: why now? And why these particular photographs?
ReplyDeleteI'm struck by the thought that the sending of these photos denotes a lack of compassion, empathy, and general courtesy on your mother's part. They seem a little out of the blue, but I don't doubt that this was precisely planned on her part. And it bothers me that she wouldn't have seen fit to ask you first - "Hey, I've got these pictures, are you interested?" And more than that, that she can't see that the subject matter of so many of the photos you described are not happy moments for you. Though some of them certainly are, others (the ones of you in your childhood and the ones of your unhappy and divorced parents.) It shakes me that she gave you no warning that these photos were on the way and clearly didn't care to ask you if you even wanted them.
I'm glad to see that, in all the emotions you described over receiving and seeing the stack of random photos, guilt was not among them. I think she would have expected that.
Guilt...hmmm, I do think that there was some sort of "pull at the heart strings" manipulation meant with this little package. But if it was guilt she wanted, it back fired ;).
DeleteShe (sort of) mentioned these photos a couple of weeks ago. But it is very strange, and awfully coincidental, that they showed up now.
I do think the "whys" are important. Especially at first. It can help ferret out patterns and help us see the real motivations behind things.
But in the end, I've discovered that, often, the why is simply to get what they want. Whether it be to hurt me, upset me, annoy me, or to do what they want. So, although the particular "why" might change, the pattern of "why" stays the same. I do think it's good to acknowledge it, but over time, I've learned not to over think it too much ;). I just end up hurting.
I don't think she gathered any particular photos. I think what actually hurt the most is to see the remnants of my childhood that she actually CHOSE to keep. And then to just dole it out as if it's "the end". My grandmother gave all her old photos back too. But like five years ago...when she was close to 80. Not while she was still young. I just don't understand why she has no sentimentality for any of it (yet, goes on and on about family, and relationships, and love, and blah, blah, blah.)
As though it's "the end." I had that same feeling reading this. Like the sending of these photos is some sort of over-dramatic show that your relationship with her is "over."
DeleteI also find it odd that she hasn't held on to the photos. I can't understand either why she would have gotten rid of them - it must be that the draw to make you feel bad is stronger for her than the draw to make herself feel some sort of false "happiness" for her "job well done" at raising you. Or something like that.
It's opposite of what NMIL has done with her photos of DH - she's put out her stash for all to see, I think because it makes her "appear" the doting mother; the injured party in an estrangement that she won't take responsibility for. But your mother? I'm just not sure. The only thing I can come up with is what I said above: that she wants you to hurt more than she wants to use those photos as a way to prove to others what a good mommy she was; what "happy children" she had.
You know, NM is very in to photos (photography is her hobby). And she has lots of photos framed in her house. There just isn't anyone, really, for her to show them too and "prove" she's a good mommmy....or maybe that's what FB is for. That must be why she is always "featuring" shots of my kids or herself with NSIS. Not one of me.
DeleteBut as a mom myself, I can't fathom why you wouldn't want to hang onto the four or five photos you have left of your kids as children. I mean, really? My senior portrait wallet photos? None of it? Not one small album? I mean, obviously, there is a message in that...intentional or not. I'm thinking she's trying to make me guilty, make me remember the "good times" or something. I'm not actually sure if she thinks about it that much.
We've talked a lot about photos (you and me) and how they some how signal peoples' true feelings. I just can't help but see some message in this (not that I care, but still.) It's funny, MIL keeps a her stash of photos in her dinning room table drawer. She doesn't have albums really (although she says she does) and has really old pictures of her sons (from the "last" family portrait setting she had. I can't help but read into that, although I'm sure it's not totally intentional. But more, that's how her subconscious works. That she "lives" in that period of time, when everyone was still "her family". She has one random photo of me in her home (besides the infamous family portrait she forced everyone into last year) of me and DH 15 years ago. She ordered four 4X6 pictures of my wedding to her son (only one of which had me in it). I'm sure not all people are into photos, but considering she actually has about 20 framed, it's interesting to see who "makes the cut". And that most are "cropped" from Christmas cards and such because she's too lazy to actually print out the real things.
I thought of a phrase today that I think describes very well what ACoNs were forced to create growing up in order to appease their narcissistic parents: artificial happiness. I immediately thought of NSIL when the phrase came to mind, but the pictures you describe of your sister and yourself sadly fit the bill as well.
ReplyDeleteI've been in the theater since I was little (not "officially", as my mother really never helped me to be involved in anything. But, all school plays, theater in high school, competitive drama, etc., I was involved in it). When my mother showed up last time, I, very clearly, felt my self "step on stage". I noticed myself adopting a persona (not one so different from my real self, but clearly I wasn't relaxed and BEING myself). I was reminded of how I felt taking on a character and stepping onto the stage. So, yes, artificial happiness. Play acting. Playing the part. Always reacting to, and pandering to, THEIR emotions and moods. I don't ever remember feeling like we were the "perfect family" growing up, but I didn't realize how "off" we were.
DeleteI think for a child to understand just how "off" things are in such abusive situations would destroy them; but in a different way that narcissists end up being "destroyed." I don't think it was NMIL's "understanding" of the abuses she probably suffered as a child that led her to such an emotional demise. I think that children who really "understood" at too young an age would just die, some slowly, and others faster - sometimes the death would be self-inflicted, other times not. I guess the difference is that you did understand enough, and that you've come to much more of an "understanding" than someone like your nm ever will.
DeleteThat's a very interesting point. And I think you are right. That "understanding" almost did destroy me...even as an adult.
DeleteAnd I think you are right too that NM will never understand how horrible things are. I was thinking today about what deep denial NM is in. How she refuses to even acknowledge these things. Because, in acknowledging it, one has to face that they are probably screwed up. Like, when I finally concluded how messed up they all are, I had to face reality that it all effected me...that I had some SERIOUS issues. That I really didn't just "overcome it all". I had to acknowledge how messed up I was (and "pardon" myself for it. Or allow myself to be fucked up) in order to start to fix it.
I was thinking tonight that NM probably really believes she did a good job. She would never acknowledge how fucked up she is, which would allow her to acknowledge that she fucked up as a mom. She tells herself a story about how "strong" and "tough" she is. How she's a survivor. And she is. But barely. In my opinion, you are not a fucking survivor unless you really acknowledge where you are starting from. If you can acknowledge the shit you are fighting against to BE a good mom. Or acknowledging that that shit might have made you NOT a good mom at times.
She has never bothered to try and understand it. To try to make herself better. She's always given herself a pass and allowed herself to be "good enough" and skate. Because probably the "understanding" of it all would kill her.
"I was thinking tonight that NM probably really believes she did a good job." They do believe that. My mother's whole life is committed to do whatever it takes to maintain that belief to HERSELF. You'd never convince them of the opposite, because this image is what they live for.
DeleteI find that so frustrating, Kara. Because if she won't acknowledge it at all, how can you ever come around to a "better relationship"? I often used to rationalize my NSIS's behavior by telling DH that I felt she truly believed what she was saying. That they weren't lies because SHE really believed them. I believe now that she is aware of her lies (and that NM is aware of her parenting fails) but when they choose to live an alternative reality, I can't really "get" at them. I can't connect or really have a relationship.
DeleteOne thing that has been odd about MIL lately is she has been criticizing herself. She often says that she should've done this or that better. Or that she might have left off a part of parenting. What is that all about? Do you think she's trying to get me to rush in and say "Oh no, you did a great job!!" The thing is she never really says these things like she believes it. It often seems in reaction to failings she perceives other's feel, but something she can't really see herself.
Ahh, isn't this the rub of it? "Because if she won't acknowledge it at all, how can you ever come around to a "better relationship"?" THEY don't want a better relationship with you. They want THE SAME relationship with you; the one where they got to manipulate and control you. It's you guys who want the change, who want a different relationship.
DeleteI feel the same way about NMIL, and EFIL, and to an extent NSIL. I think they do know what they are doing, that they weren't good parents or even good people. But they refuse to acknowledge it on a deep enough level and anytime that realization even remotely slips to the surface, it quickly gets buried once again and they go on pretending. And as a healthier person, you just can't connect with someone like that. Someone who avoids reality at all fucking costs.
I don't believe these people engage in any kind of introspection in the sense I think of it at all: They're either so heavily defended or lack the capacity completely. (Yeah, I know we're back to the "Why?" question.) IMO, you have nailed the answers to "Why NOW?" because there's always an agenda carefully hidden behind plausible deniability. It's the unspoken even more than the (outrageous) spoken that permeated growing up, the messages that were sent latently rather than manifestly. Nothing is ever simple, straightforward or what it appears to be and that adds to the Crazy-Making. Unless you understand the context, the history, something that may look overtly like a "Thoughtful Gesture" is anything BUT, yk?
ReplyDeleteMy Aunt, the poetess/wordsmith (Psychob's SIL) told me my "mother went to her death *valiantly*." This woman died at 79 leaving in her wake a stunning path of wreck and ruin and still a parasite, still scheming. I find that just...mind-boggling: How is it possible to NOT see, to NOT reflect on your life and the reality the common denominator in all the wrecked relationships, families, the cruel and intentional exploitation of others etc. was HER? With aging and the realization you have far less time in front of you than behind you, introspection kicks into high gear. You do have regrets, you do hold yourself accountable, you stop fighting reality and yes, there is sorrow-but NOT self-pity.
I think you're right, Jessie: They firmly believe they "did a good job." Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, they're always, irrevocably "Right." Their internal world remains arrested somewhere around that of a Toddler Stage. A very devious, conniving, envious Toddler.
Your observation re: being on Stage/taking a role hit home for me as well. I never thought about it that way, but I do know I was never "allowed" to be just who I was: The price would have been far too high and totally unacceptable. Psychob and Nsis absolutely had a script for me as a "Supporting Actor" in their lives and gawd help me if I deviated from that absolutely static "Role."
TW
"How is it possible to NOT see, to NOT reflect on your life and the reality the common denominator in all the wrecked relationships, families, the cruel and intentional exploitation of others etc. was HER?" Oh my god, yes. I've pondered this myself many times.
DeleteIMO? She's done with your childhood. It's in the way. All that stuff she sent you is freaking OVER, man. They have no sentiment for the past, it's IN THE WAY and blocking their enjoyment of NOW.
ReplyDeleteI'm certain that the timing is everything - Jonsi usually (always) has such an instinct for this stuff. So I think yes, the timing is EVERYTHING. But the mish-mash of crap? All could be labeled with the same thing - *narc says* "past is the past it is not ME or about MY NOW and MY NOW is the only thing I want to see so sweep it out!"
The photos - good god, Jessie. The photo albums I got from my mom are the reason I sorta stopped writing for a while. They show us as a family. They show my dad relaxed and smiling. They show ME smiling. We had couches. And carpet. Christmas trees. Beach days. It all looks so fucking NORMAL. It makes me question my sanity. Or at least, I understand how others don't really believe what I'm saying. They weren't IN it, so they don't know what I know. It's like an archeological dig where you try and see how people lived by the shards of pottery you find. But there is no emotion to discover to help you realize that the pottery is in shards because DAD THREW IT AT ME.
It's such a lie, those pictures. But how do you tell someone what the truth is? If they haven't lived it, like all of us ULBs, they can't know. And good for them - better if they never experience it.
There is a picture of my mom and I when she came to visit me when I was around 22. We are laughing, posing together. I remember always trying so DAMN HARD to make it work. But it just never felt right to me. There was so much chaos bouncing around in my head about it all. We looked good for photos, but between the snap of the lens, it was not even close to the same thing. Our relationship was as 2D as those photos.
DeleteI used to love looking at old family photos. Now I can barely stomach the thought. It's exactly as you described above, with the carpet, and full dinner plates, and occasional happy moments. But real love and sustainability, no.
The photos of DH and his NM look exactly the same way. So fake. So posed. Artificial.
DeletePhotos tell a story. In a way, I'm glad we have them so we can go back and check them again. When I learned about Narcissism I went back to the album of my childhood which my mother had given me -odd how I never thought at the time why she wouldn't want to keep the photos for herself -now I know- and there is not one photo of my mother or my father hugging me. Even in the ones when I was a tiny baby they're not holding me close to their body. It says a lot.
ReplyDeleteMy sister does what your NM and Nsis do, of posing with big smiles. In the recent photos I have seen of my niece she already has the "posing" smile, which is so different from her real smile. Makes me sad.
Is there any photos of your parents with your grandparents? What were they like?
They do definitely tell a story. Interestingly NM and I both love photography, but we go about it in very different ways. NM took a lot of "posed" pictures of me and my sister when we were little. And while, certainly, I've asked my kids to sit together or move closer for some of my pictures, I really like to capture them as they are. I love photos that show the "real" them. My mother often likes photos of me that (she feels) have an "artsy" quality to them. Where it captures a unique view of me; but the thing is, they LOOK nothing like me. It's one of those weird moments, when I'm not smiling or my face looks blank that she likes the most.
DeleteAs kids, she took lots and lots of photos of NSIS and me together. And many posed photos. Maybe it's partially due to being before the digital age and not wanting to waste anything. But, like you, my parents are stiff or posed next to me (Dad is always stone faced and stiff). My mother always has her arm over my shoulder (she's much taller than me...always made it hard to feel "grown up"). But none show us in a more "loving" pose, or with natural affection. Maybe some when I was little, but not a lot.
Now, she loves to create scenes with MY kids. Lots of "let's put our cheeks together" so they look close. Clearly, I can tell she is recreating loving poses she's seen on FB. It's artificial and aggravating. Like her latest are of her reading to my kids. She TOLD me to take the picture and then she played it up for the camera. Many times she tells them to look in a direction or do something to make the shot look natural, like they are bonding together. Oddly, when I actually HAVE caught natural moments with them, those don't make the cut. Every photo of her at the hospital the day my son was born have a posed quality to them.
I quit being willing to pose in photos with her. I don't do the big fakey smiles. Consequently, I don't get a lot of photos taken of me with NM. Or me with anyone. Once and awhile, but not often. NM has TONS of photos of her and NSIS.
I may have mentioned this, but MIL doesn't take pictures of me either. She doesn't have quite the fondness for photos as I do, but she does take them of my kids...and my husband...and herself. But none ONE of me. Granted, I avoid pictures of her too (I do take one or two to show she was at a function for my kids) but that's because I didn't feel it authentic to take a bunch of phony pictures of a woman who couldn't care less if I'm in the "family" photos. Maybe that's petty, but so be it.
OH, and oddly, most photos of my NM and her mother are of the IDENTICAL pose she does with me. Side by side, arms around each other's waist, but not really touching. Photos of her and her father are similar, or she is standing behind him.
DeleteI can't remember of any photos of my father with his parents. Which seems really, really odd to me.
That's really interesting. I haven't seen any photos of my parents with their parents because back then people didn't have their own cameras -my parents are in their 70s now-.
DeleteForgot to say when I commented before that your MIL criticising herself is definitely is definitely so that you'd say:"Oh no, you did a great job!!" I've met people like that before, they "do you think I'm fat?" types, always looking for someone to tell them what they want to hear.
Hi Jesse and Kara,
DeleteThe photos do reveal so much more of our relationships. The fact that your parents were stiff and posed says a lot in a non verbal - I can understand the film age was a bit different however, that still doesn't account for the unnatural state of all the photos. I recently looked at my photos on my last visit a few months back - there were hardly any photos of me with my mom and none of her holding me or showing any closeness - even the baby one's where parents are naturally holding the babies closer.
In DH's family photos with his mother, MiL is always standing between DH and his brother. They are posed and she always takes the place between them.
Looking at evidence like this reveals so much of the truth of the past; it isn't easy to see it like this. I can understand your frustration for her wanting to offload. Since reconnecting with my mother she is doing the same. Hugs, TR
TR, this is such an interesting reply. I had intended to do a more in depth post about a few of the photos, but time got away from me. But you touched on a few of the things I had wanted to speak about:
DeleteBeing stiff: Yes, photos were a bit different before the digital age (no one wanted to waste film, so things were more posed I think). But, my mom, sister and I are always in the same position. Her in the middle (as it was with your MIL), her arms around our shoulders, and her tall and stiff in the middle. She's smiling and stuff, but she's never leaning towards us, engaged in more loving contact, and always in the middle.
There was another photo of me with my in-laws and my DH at my college graduation. The photo always struck me as odd, and I could never figure out why. Then suddenly it hit me, MIL is BETWEEN me and DH. Coincidence? Maybe. But I've noticed in most pictures of the four of us, she always is extra close to him. In our wedding photo, she has linked her arm through his elbow and is pressed up to him. Even in photos with my kids, she has to have her HANDS on the kids, or on my husband. Pressed up against everybody.
On a personal note, TR, I hadn't realized you are in the same situation of having narc in-laws and a narc FOO. I'm so sorry. It is a difficult situation to be in. I've been looking through you back catalogue on your blog and look forward to reading more.
That is the thing about photos - it reveals stuff visually. I don't think it is a coincidence with where your MiL is standing - she is always standing next to DH in photos with me as well and she is always touching him. When we visited with her she needed to sit next to him all the time and I have caught her touching him (her hand on inner thigh) in not a mother - son way. Is ur DH the golden boy child? For a non verbal stand point, MiL standing in the middle could be her sense of control - her queen bee status? Not sure on that one.
DeleteIt is a difficult situation having it on both sides, so true. I look forward to reading more here too! Hugs, TR
Yes, DH was/is the golden child. He is the oldest and her clear favorite (no matter what he actually does). She often allowed him to make all the decisions and often deferred to him. (She was using him to sluff off any negative criticism if these decisions weren't liked by his brothers). He was sort of a co-parent, who MIL called in to help her with his younger brothers. She often used him to voice her opinions through. When we met, I helped he realize how much she was pawning off on him, and he started separating from his role as GC. So, MIL just substituted the second oldest as GC. However, if ever DH ever chooses to step back into the role (or if DH expresses any preference, she makes sure to make it happen. She always follows his lead), she shoves BIL aside. And BIL is so desperate for attention, that he gladly steps into the role whenever he can.
DeleteI think MIL standing between us is exactly a non-verbal communication of her "place" in her mind. And her always holding onto him (or my kids) shows her "ownership" (although I think it comes off much more subtle than it sounds here. She ALMOST makes it look loving and maternal, but it's always more of a "holding on to" behavior.)
My MIL has some weird physical boundary problems too. She is actually very cold and stiff and unwilling to be touched by strangers. But with those in her family, she is overly physical. Not just her sons either. She used to push for me to "snuggle" with her under a blanket at a cold, outdoor football game. It creeped me out and felt very odd. Pushing physical closeness when I clearly didn't want to.
I often find her in "close" conversation with my DH when I leave the room. She will be sitting very close, hushed voices (she's a very LOUD woman normally), hand on his knee. I always fill weird "walking in on" these conversations. I hadn't noticed them until our last visit, or at least, hadn't fully taken in the situation. I knew I always felt she cornered him and that she loved "secrets" with him, but I hadn't ever really LOOKED at it.
Thanks for sharing.
No problem; I forgot to mention that the idea for looking at non verbal of the photos was from Kara.
DeleteMy DH was the GC too. I haven't read too much into the NM and the sons role, the little I did read said that often the NM views the GC as a psychological husband.
You picked up on a key point - they can often make it look loving and maternal when it is actually not. It keeps us at bay from confronting a behaviour that does not feel right. Because if we trusted our feelings - we would be the crazy ones; which in truth our feelings tell us something very real.
Thank you for sharing your story and look forward to reading more. Hugs, TR