Defining Reality

Earlier this week was the anniversary of NM's mother's death.  A day that has been noted, extensively, for the past five years.  She posted a lovely tribute to her mother, carefully crafted from the many other "tribute" posts she's seen.  Like Dr. Frankenstein, she pulled bits and pieces from several places, including some ideas that were almost verbatim to things my aunt says (her SIL.)  It was flowery, spoke in a very important tone (you could tell she crafted the message in her head for hours before posting) and spoke of all of the loving and wonderful things grandma was.

Now, I wasn't surprised that she is saying this about her mom.  I've heard it for five years.  But in the many, many years before that NM said nothing but what a "weird" and odd woman grandma was.  How she was a horrible mother, a hermit who neglected her kids and often put her in charge.  A woman who she couldn't stand.  I remember her saying that she feared turning into her. 

But then grandma died, and like a light switch, NM suddenly missed their "chats" (or the phone calls she obligatorily made and then complained about before grandma died), or the visits (which she forced herself to do and never said more than a few hours...TOPS.  They never visited her.  Ever.  But NM recalls the "support" her mother offered her. 

Anyway, I hit the "like" button before my brain could filter it.  And then, in an instant, "unliked" it.  I don't have to like and support this drivel.  This propaganda disguised as mourning.  She can suck NS all she wants from people, but I'm not going to participate in this shit.  And I didn't.  I ignored it completely.  (I might add that for the first five years, NM is "in mourning" for her mother from early November when her mother died, to the beginning of January when her mother's birthday is.  One time she tried to guilt me into having her visit-when I LEGITMATELY had other plans- she said "you know how hard the holidays are after my mom".  You'll notice too that it suddenly became about the loss of "her mom".  Not my grandmother.  She's never been concerned with how I felt about grandma passing.  Not that I was all that torn up.  Grandma was a cold, nutty old lady.  She didn't bother me much, but I was never ever close to her.  So, it was what it was.  Anyway, NM lays it on thick every year. )  The thought crosses my mind as  I write this that NM probably expects some sort of public declaration from me for her "milestone" birthday in a few weeks.  Not going to happen.

Anyway, NM quit emailing.  I can always tell I've "displeased" her or that she's contemplating exactly how big of a shit I am by how silent the constant barrage of emails, and texts, and FB crap is.  It goes silent.  Radio silence.  There's always a message in it.  I ignored it.

Then, she posts a picture of my sons (one of the professional portraits I had taken a month ago.  I'm curious as to WHY now she would post that picture).  She, again, carefully crafts a message.  Shit about melting her heart.  And "love, love, love".  Folks, my mom is not flowery.  She is not heartfelt messages and sentimental statements.  EVER.  If she ever talked like that in real life, I'd fall over.  It, again, doesn't surprise me, as I've seen her mimic FB "social niceties" before.  Saying things like "my thoughts and prayers are with you".  She's not religious.  Calling people "sweet" before their name.  Ugh, gage me.

Anyway, this shameless pimping of my kids for her own attention pissed me off HUGE.  But what can  I do.  She took it from the photographer's public FB sight.  She (technically) didn't share MY shit.  And how can you say anything to a grandmother who is "just offering up her love" of her grandsons.  Blech. 

So, I ignored that too. 

Yesterday, after not-liking her shit, and a week of radio silence (and remember, she tries to contact me 3-4 times a day.  Never by phone.  That is some sort of boundary I managed to erect without ever having to say it.  Really, I believe that I pissed her off one time by trying to limit the amount of phone time, explaining I had very young kids, little "alone time" to talk properly, and when I did, I was often fucking TIRED.  I was just trying to cut down on the thrice weekly 1-2 hour phone marathons that she would hold me hostage on.....short of, literally, hanging up, you couldn't get NM to wrap up the conversation.  Anyway, after I said that, she quit calling.  And I, enjoying the quiet, didn't call back.  It's been over a year since we've talked on the phone-except my birthday, but that was another story.  I believe she's "punishing" me.  But, I'm enjoying the silence, so I haven't bothered to call.  I hate talking on the phone anyway.)  OK, SOOO, I get this text asking how we are.  If we are feeling better (this is her "go-to" wedge to try and get me to respond to her.  She asks how I am and than launches into herself or what she wants).  I tell her "doing good".  This gets her hair up.  She replys "good to hear.  Hey, have the boys call me sometime when you get a chance.  I would love to talk to them."

Huh.  Fuck that.  She wants to talk to THEM?   And why doesn't she just call THEM.  She claims it's because I'm "so busy" and she never knows when to call.  She actually did try to call THEM (only) a month or so ago.  It was 5 p.m.  End of nap time, beginning of rest time.  I didn't pick up.  She knows the kids schedule.  But she called then.  And now, she is putting it all on me.  "When you have time".  Note, she says nothing about talking to ME.  Not that I care, but seriously.  I'm sure she's pissed too because I was supposed to offer up a free weekend when we had one, so she could make up for that canceled trip.

But here's the thing, we haven't had a free weekend.  Not that we are "so busy" but we've had shit going on.  My husband's been gone.  It's a busy time of year.  The cancelled trip was TWO weeks ago.  But I KNOW in her head,  I just know, she's sitting there bitter, pissed off, angry that I haven't offered up a time.  She's stewing in her "mom died grief", wallowing in pictures of her grandchildren she "never sees!"  She sees them every two to three months for days at a time.  That's enough for me. I seriously can't handle more, and the stress of seeing her was killing me. 

I didn't have my kids call my mom today.  Not going to lie, I had to FIGHT the urge to do it.  I didn't want her to think badly of me.  Think I was avoiding her.  When she says jump, I literally have to tie myself down not to jump.  I know the instant I didn't respond to the text yesterday or have the kids call, she got pissed.  I can feel the "icy stare" from her almost 700 miles away. 

And here is the real kicker.  I'm not TRYING to ignore her totally.  It's not like I'm sitting on my ass purposely trying to "hold out" so that I'm not rewarding her demanding behavior (although it would be completely legitimate of me to do it).  I've been busy.  She texted me yesterday while I was a the doctor's office.  I sat for two hours there and went home to put the kids to nap.   I got them up, cooked dinner, let their dad play with them, and put them to bed.  Got up today, had hair appointments, shit to do, and really didn't have time to slam in a phone call.  I've legitimately been busy and she still manages to make me feel guilty....or at least I can see the ingrained tapes she's installed in my head.  If I was a "good" daughter, I'd make time.  I'd find a way in TWO days to make the time.  I'd prioritize her.  She just wants a little time with her grandsons.  Mean little daughter that I am I don't give her anything. 

And I have to work SO damn hard to reroute that thinking.  To not feel anxious and overwhelmed about needing to please my mom.  I can rationalize, that if our relationship wasn't so messed up, that a "normal" mom wouldn't take it SO DAMN PERSONALLY if her daughter can't get back to her immediately.   And while, obviously, there is some undercurrent to our current situation, it's because this is the way she's been my whole life.  She says jump and I'm expected to snap into place.  And if I don't, she assumes it is a personal attack on her.  It doesn't matter how legitimate my excuses are or what else I need to do, I'm expected to attend to her immediately. 

It's so hard to break these thought patterns.  I'm going to admit, there are still moments I wonder if I'm crazy.  Am I REALLY seeing the things I think I am?  Am I being over sensitive?  Am I reacting poorly to "normal situation" of a grandmother wanting to be involved?  I feel, often, like the sane person in the funny farm (I'm beginning to believe more and more that NSIS is also bi-polar, and I've been coming to terms with some realizations I've had about how depressed and broken my dad is.  I always knew he was, but I'm really facing reality.)  And then I struggle with MIL and BIL, and I think, again, it has to be me.  I'm just nuts.  Or can, they really ALL be messed up?  (And for the record, I'm clearly not totally OK or sane.  I mean I grew up in this shit, how could I be?)

It's so hard to not think I'm a bad daughter.  To not agree with the voice in my mother's head.  To argue against my "instincts" of what I've been taught to do.  To realize that if she wants to take me not calling personally, that's not on me.  It's just so damn hard sometime. Am I making this more complicated than it needs to be?

(And as an aside, MIL has managed to sneak some crafty shit in on me this week too.  Dang, can't a girl catch a break sometime?)