Releasing the past in order to find myself

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Irrevokable Broken

After writing my last two posts, something has popped up in my brain, a feeling a remembered from my early 20s that I'm only really able to process now.

First, thanks to all of you who have offered your support, advice, compassion, and ear.  I truly appreciate it.  Thanks to Jonsi for helping break it down and process it.  And thanks to my dear, sweet, nurturing friend Kara for holding my hand a lot in the past few months.  Even across an ocean, I can feel you love and support and it has changed my life.

OK, so as I read all of your reactions to my childhood, I'm finally able to validate my own feelings of how shitty, horrible, and difficult my childhood was.  NM not only never validated these feelings, but actually accused me of being a horrible person for feeling this way. 

I never got over the fact that she, in essence, abandoned me and my sister for two years.  Sure, she was there, but she wasn't.  We were often physically, emotionally, and spiritually left alone.

But the worst part was, when in my early 20s, NM's new relationship (and her new family) suddenly lost her luster.  I'd made peace with her leaving.  I was, not thriving, but pulling my ass up by the boot straps and moving on.  But when NM's new family wasn't doing it for me anymore, she came back.  Not crawling back, apologizing, and seeing the wrong doings of her ways.  Nope, she came right back in, shoving the door down, and demanding, in the entitled way she has, her "proper" position as my mother.  Demanding respect.  Demanding I treat her in a way commiserate with her self appointed title as "The Mom".  No sense of understanding of what had happened, no apologies, no acknowledgement.  Just "go back to the way it was"  (which, frankly, was an illusion to begin with). 

I was SO DAMN ANGRY that she thought she had a right to just "resume" being my mom.  That she could come in and demand my damn, attention, respect, and love.  That she thought she was ENTITLED to it.  That still gets me.  Her entitlement.  She feels she has rights to all and every part of my life.  That, OF COURSE, she's welcome in my home, with my kids, in every private area of my life whenever she feels like it.  Because she's The Mom.  WTF, lady?  Where do you get off?  You fucking left me.  Left me.  And my sister.  To fend for ourselves.  And now, you just want to swoop back in and claim your "rights" to me.  You expect me to nurture you, love you, respect you, and deem authority and control to you?  You expect me to tell you what a great mom you are (seriously.  She has really said this.  That she was a GREAT mom.).  You want me to bolster your self esteem, play your therapist, and hold your hand?  You want to just be included back in?  I don't fucking get this.  Where the hell do you get off?

 I read a quote on FB the other day that said something to the effect of if you throw a plate on the ground, and it breaks, and you say your sorry, the plate just doesn't "go back" to the way it was.  You've never understood this, mom.  That things can't just "go back" (and again, go back to what, I don't know, because it wasn't there to begin with or you couldn't have done the things you did).  You have to work, to repair, to earn my trust and respect back as a mother.  You have to deserve the privilege of my trust, friendship, and access to my life.  And until you get that, the plate will always just lie there broken.  You may not take what you feel you deserve from me.  I don't know what kind of accounting you are using, but in my calculations, I've settled what I 'owe' you.  Anything else you get from me is pure kindness.  On my part.

13 comments:

  1. "I was SO DAMN ANGRY that she thought she had a right to just "resume" being my mom. That she could come in and demand my ..."

    My reaction to that is thank God you were healthy enough to be so angry! Good for you! It would have been heartbreaking if you had wretchedly fallen for the lying expectation that you should be all right with this.

    "You expect me to tell you what a great mom you are (seriously. She has really said this. That she was a GREAT mom.). " Well, that describes her pathological grandiosity.

    "That things can't just "go back" (and again, go back to what, I don't know, because it wasn't there to begin with or you couldn't have done the things you did)." This is gold. What an insight. I guess she wants to go back to your agreeing with the illusion.

    "I don't know what kind of accounting you are using,..." It sure doesn't include anything that is in your best interests. --quartz

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    1. No, it does not include my best interests at all.

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  2. I know you've probably considered it, but I think you'd be much happier going NC with both your sister and mother. You don't get anything positive out of relationships with them. Give yourself a reprieve from their crazy. You deserve it. Hugs.

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    1. I do consider it all the time. I'm pretty much NC with my sister (despite her random attempts to contact me), I've not contacted her in over a year.
      NM is a different story and a bit more complicated. I have managed to push her as far out as I can, so that helps.

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  3. Amen!!

    "She feels she has rights to all and every part of my life. That, OF COURSE, she's welcome in my home, with my kids, in every private area of my life whenever she feels like it."
    BOY, does this part resonate.

    "You expect me to nurture you, love you, respect you, ... You want me to bolster your self esteem, play your therapist, and hold your hand?"
    Isn't it interesting how many of the things she feels ENTITLED to from her daughter are the very things a mother is supposed to be offering to her child?

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    1. "Isn't it interesting how many of the things she feels ENTITLED to from her daughter are the very things a mother is supposed to be offering to her child?" That's a great point, Cassandra.

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    2. That IS a great point. I often feel like my mother expects me to fill the roll of her on NM, to make up for what she feels she lost. She sees I have those characteristics in me she wanted from her own mother and tries to extract them, but it is such a twisted thing to do.

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  4. Entitlement, grandiosity, and martyrdom. It's the Narcissist Hat Trick.

    Your anger is a glorious thing. I firmly believe that for us ACoNs, anger, rage even, is the first step in really healing. Anger is a sign that we recognize our own preciousness and what what was denied us. It's one of the necessary stages of grief, and man, on some level, it feels really empowering.

    You go, Jessie!
    drea

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    1. I agree, the anger is a good thing. It's been coming now in various forms for over a year, and I'm finally getting the 'hang' of it (not letting it take me over, but using it to figure out what is wrong). And it does feel empowering.

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  5. That how you know she's a Narcissist. Someone else in her position would have come back, head held low, asking for forgiveness and striving to make it up to you in every possible way. Everyone can mess up, but what they do afterwards it's what gives away their true character.

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    1. Yes, when she pulled this I was stunned, frankly. All the rest, I could sort of make allowances for, but when she did all of that and then turned and BLAMED me for my reaction, for her actions, that was the turning point of knowing something was really wrong. And there was no going back.

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  6. Crazy how they think. Their ignoring the reality of the situation they created really is a mind-fuck.

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  7. Hi Jessie,
    I think it is great that you have been processing anger. As much as it gets 'negative' press, it is a key to identifying when something isn't right. I also think it is really healthy that you say that it can't go back. That is looking at the reality of the relationship. Because if they could go back that means that the relationship was never broken. It was and even with your boundaries to having a relationship with her it would have to look really different. Even if the plate was mended (all parts of the plate put together so you could use the plate) it would still look and be different. That is what you are asking for and that is something you recognise. The relationship has to fundamentally be different and that is such a healthy direction.
    Great progress! xxTR

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