Releasing the past in order to find myself

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

My sister

My younger sister was born the day before my second birthday.  Birthdays from then on, became a "shared" activity, and our enmeshment grew out of that. 

I can remember, at a very young age, helping to regulate my sister's emotional moods.  "Give her what she wants, Jessie.  It's easier than dealing with the fight and we have too....(go to the store, have dinner, whatever)"  I can remember hearing that statement outright, but it was suggested to me in much more subtle ways.  She was giving what she wanted.  She was babied.  I hid so she wouldn't know that I wasn't taking naps and she was.  I helped with her school projects (she did not help me).  I shared my friends (she did not share her's).  She tagged along with me.  She  did everything I did (something she would later become angry at me for).  Mom made me "her little helper" and I helped to take care of my sister. 

Nm treated us like bookends.  Or salt and pepper shakers.  Slightly different, but still a "set".  Every interest I had, she also participated in.  We wore different colors of the same outfit.  Our hair was styled the same.  Anything I got, Nm got NSis one too.  She "evened" us out (in that way that Ns do, configuring "fair" based on some deluded standards). 

I remember being responsible for NSIS's mental states.  NSIS was a bit...temperamental.  Let's call it that.  She was difficult.  She had tantrums.  She boiled over into anger quickly and often. She had to have things just so (she would NOT leave the house without her clothes and hair to her liking, for example.)  I know she tested my parents, but their problem was my problem too.  She was violent.  She hit me.  These weren't sibling fights.  These were unprovoked attacks against me.  I didn't hit back (she was at least as big and strong as I was).  I didn't fight back.  Most of the time, she attacked me for asking that she finish her chores or stop doing something (because I was "in charge" after school and during the summer.  So, I was expected to "control" her.  Make her behave.  My parents struggled to make her behave, do her chores, how was I supposed to do that?  And if I didn't, I got punished too.)  My father knew.  He finally told me to start hitting her back.  To quit letting her attack me.  Stand up for myself.  He punished her, but that always ended up worse (his punishments were harsh.  Partially due to this, I didn't want her to get in trouble.  So, I often tried to resolve it myself.)  And when I would call NM at work, NM would yell at us for "fighting".  Like we were squabbling over the remote.  I was struggling to keep control of this girl, being bruised, bitten, pinched, but I would also get punished for that. 

I believe now that NM, in addition to the enabling, set my sister up to get in trouble.  She allowed her to get away with so much, but then when she couldn't take it anymore, she'd call in my dad.  Have him "lower the hammer" so to speak.  The big punishment.  The resentment and anger that grew between my father and my sister (most of it due to their own personalities, but often "encouraged" by my mother) lingers today.  NM still breeds resentment between the two, while at the same time, encouraging the behaviors in my sister that she asks my father to help with, or by trash talking my father and encouraging anger at him in my sister. 

Despite it all, I felt "close" to my sister growing up.  I wouldn't say she was my "friend", but I enjoyed her company.  Or maybe it was that she was my only choice so frequently for company, I didn't register that it could be different.  We were very emotionally and mentally bonded.  We often could "read" each other's thoughts.  No one liked playing board games with us because I often knew what she was thinking before she got out clues.  I predicted her moods, I was concerned over her emotional well being.  I protected her: from friends, from pain, from my father.  I gave in to her.  A lot.  But she accepted me and knew me in ways that few others did.  Or so I thought. 

When my parents divorced, we grew even more "bonded".  It seemed often it was the two of us, left alone, clinging to a life raft.  NM was gone a lot.  I was in charge.  A lot.  Many, many weekends alone.  My father was depressed and drinking and not much fun.  Things got bad.  I was even more responsible for my sister than ever.  She started drinking, and partying, and hanging out with boys.  She was 12-14 years old.  Some highlights of this time:

My father trying to commit suicide while my sister and mother tried to stop him. This one incident scarred her for life.   The cops came, terrifying me, and he ran.

My sister dating my "first boyfriend". 

My sister still flying into rages at me.

My sister, while I was out on a date (but still "in charge" as NM was out of town), being conned by my "best friend" to go to a party with high school boys and being raped.  I never got over the guilt of not being home to stop my "friend" from taking my sister out.  They also stole my car that night, ran out of gas, and barely got it home. 

My sister, repeatedly, sneaking out of the house at night while I was in charge.  One night I awoke to loud poundings on the front door.  Not knowing what was going on and fearing intruders, I retrieved my father's gun, ready to shoot whomever was coming in.  I was 15 at the time.  I threatened them (and they left; they were kids and were looking for NSIS,: she had fallen asleep).  Thank God, I didn't shoot someone.  NSIS talked me out of it, put me back to bed (I must've been in shock) and then snuck out.  I locked her out for the rest of the night. 

One night, she threw a party at our house.  I had begged her not to, but she didn't listen.  I (soberly) tried to keep watch.  Later, one of her friends was found by the cops a block away playing hide and seek by herself.  I convinced the cops that we weren't drinking and the let us go (the cop remembered us from the incident with my dad.  Dumb, dumb cop).

One night, she took off with some friends of mine.  I searched for HOURS for her before finding her at 1 a.m.  When I got home, NM had driven home (she was at her boyfriend's, an hour away and we weren't there to answer her phone call) and was furious.  I decided to move out to my dad's (I was 15).  NM punished me by selling my childhood home.  She figured if I "wasn't going to be living there" she would sell it.  I'd been gone for two days, and had actually thought she'd bring me back home with her. 

For awhile, I lived with my dad.  He was in counseling (and wasn't home a lot) so things got better.  He and NSIS fought, violently and physically, so she moved back with my mother.  And things continued to deteriorate. 

In the last few years of my high school and into college, NSIS and I grew further and further apart.  She horned in on several of my boyfriends (sleeping with or trying to sleep with several).  She didn't understand the concept of "mine".  She stole from me.  She let her friends steal from me.  She took my things (I ended up having to move back in with NM during my senior year when dad moved.  I actually didn't stay there much, instead crashing on my boyfriend's parents couch for most of the year so I could attend school-the school were NM lived was TWO grade levels behind what I was studying-attend extra curricular activities and work).  NM did nothing when she stole from me.  I would go home on weekends and my stuff would be trashed and picked through.  She finally put a lock on my door, but NSIS just went in through the window.

Here are some highlights of the time between late high school and college for me with NSIS:

NSIS was heavily on drugs.  She hung out with extremely shady drug dealers.  NM was always having to hunt her down and drag her home.  One of these very nasty men offered to kill my mother and step father.  He later ended up in jail for murder.  NSIS actually had enough sense to tell NM, but they all lived in terror that this man (in his early 20s) would shoot them and actually saw him drive by a lot.  They did not report this to the cops.  Later, when NM "let" my 16 year old sister stay with me (I moved out one month before my high school graduation) for the summer, this man tried to find her at my house. 

NSIS ran away.  She was involved in a home invasion.  She was put in jail two states away.  She was beaten.  She was raped.  Again.  In fact, several times.  Once, so badly, she couldn't walk.  She tried to commit suicide, several times.  She was hospitalized.  She was in counseling.  She dropped out of school.  She stole from my grandmother.  She had nothing to do with any family.

My mother looked horrible whenever I saw her.  All our conversations revolved around NSIS and the stress and pressure NSis was putting on her.  I despised my sister.  Blamed her and hated her for all she was putting my mother through.  NM begged for help from me, my father, my grandmother.  She felt we "all should be helping" her.  Later, I would learn that NM didn't want to share responsibility, she wanted to dump it all. 

NSIS and I continued to have confrontations.  I can remember helping my mother restrain her one time and being kicked in the head.  Once, at a visit with my dad, I had told her she shouldn't be secretly calling her boyfriend long distance.  I didn't want her to get in trouble.  She rolled off the bed (I was on the floor), in the dark, and beat the shit out of me.  It was the only time I fought her back. 

Through college, I hated going home.  Hated dealing with it all.  I had no relationship with my sister.  She was lost.  Gone.  And I blamed her for destroying my family.

In my early 20s, she seemed to mellow out (well, not really, but there wasn't the suicide and drugs and CRAZY) of her teen years.  We, sort of, connected again.  She went to college.  We talked at times.  But she lived with my father now and the chaos and drama continued. They fought horribly.  I blamed my step mother and my father.  They just didn't understand or make allowances for all that she'd been through.  She had a boyfriend who beat her.  SM and dad tried to get her into counseling. 

I met my husband and my sister had little to do with him (he wasn't as easily impressed by her beauty and cute ass as my past boyfriends).  She was still all drama and chaos.  Lots of drinking.  Nm told me she had herpes (I only recently learned this to not be true) and so I was horrified when she started sleeping with my husband's friend at my wedding (and also running out all night, leading NM to cause a scene looking for her.  NSIS was 21 at the time, but expected NSIS to be at the hotel at night).  The friend is a narcy ass and contributed to the problem, but I was scared that my friends, my new friends, would discover what sort of human being my sister was.  So much fear and drama.  And on my wedding.  NSIS picked fights and I was terrified she'd cause a scene.  She did little, but complained a lot. 

As time went on, I started to "wake up" and figure out that things were much worse in my family than just "the divorce" (NM's favorite excuse as to why everything was fucked up.  Oh, and the divorce was my father's fault.  Or mine.  NM said she divorced my dad so she could find me a better dad.  A richer one.)  I started not feeling so sorry for NM.  I realized how much she enabled NSIS.  I started to see the enmeshment, the bottomless pit that is NM, the triangulation.  I started to clue NSIS in.

At this point,  I really wanted to save NSIS.  I thought that if I could help her to get past the issues from her past, she could get "better".  I knew what she'd been through.  I could see how the abusive boyfriend, drugs, alcohol, rapes, all of it were just products of the extreme horror that had been our last few years.  I accepted all middle of the night phone calls where NSIS bawled and cried (drunk) for hours, despite needing to go to work in the morning.  I got lots of these calls.  Her boyfriend had left her, had hit her, whatever.  She got several DUIs.  She wound up in jail-she's been there many times.  She once, during a road rage incident got out of her car and decked a lady (my sister is petite, but built like a brick shit house.  Slender and toned).  She was temper mental.  She yelled a lot.  She got in fights.  She and my father fought constantly.  She blew through money.  She worked at a strip joint as a cocktail waitress (in a G-string).  This, for my middle-class, white bread, prude father was too much.

I walked on egg shells with her.  I shared little of myself.  I wanted to help her, to save her.  I knew I could, if I just believed and supported her enough.  I blamed my step mother for butting in.  I blamed my father for his rage and not loving her enough.  And then I started blaming my mother for her enabling.  NSIS started to pick up on the triangulation.  She started to see.  I knew, if I just supported her, instead of fighting her, I could help her.  Some of our childhood bond came back.  It was us against NM.  We realized that NM blamed all of her depression, sadness, anything on the other sister.  We started comparing notes.  I had hope.  Sure, she was still a crazy mess, but I had hope.

In my late 20s, I continued to support her in any way  I could.  I tried to "counteract" NM's manipulative tear downs of my sister (I could see how NM was purposefully doing things to keep my sister needy.  Plus, I think NM secretly fantasized about leading the crazy, "exciting", life she saw NSis having.)  I tried to offer good advice, I listened, I cried.  I spent HOURS and HOURS on the phone.  I cried, I stressed, I was sick to my stomach a lot. 

NIS met another boyfriend who was abusive (this one worst than the first) and the chaos of that relationship reached fever pitch.  She was being beaten, had lost her license, had barely graduated college.  At the time, I blamed the boyfriend for the violence.  But I had started to figure out that she was just as violent (duh, right?)  She was going no where, working as a waitress and not wanting to use her degree at all.  I thought my step mother was putting too much pressure on her.  I believed my dad had given up.  Her boyfriend broke her wrist so badly she couldn't work for months.   I encouraged her to move.  Move two states away to my favorite city (dumb, again) where she would fit in more.  Where she would find the artsy, eclectic, edgy scene I thought she could flourish in. 

Nope.  She has been there seven years now.  She is still a bartender/waitress.  She moves/gets kicked out of her apartment about every six months.  She has held four jobs in the year and a half we have been estranged.  That is about average.  She has had several violent relationships.  Her best friend, a drug user, overdosed and died.  She's been raped, again, several times.  She has been "drugged" at the bar and woken up without knowing where she was.  She's passed out, while closing the bar, to find her money and wallet gone.  Her wallet is ALWAYS getting stolen (she leaves it places unattended and then gets angry that the thieves don't have higher values than to steal).  She drinks a lot.   Despite a, now, long term boyfriend, she still contacts the abusive boyfriend in the old city (in fact, she has flown to visit him twice.  Once in my father's city; she did not visit my father).  She wrecked her car continually.  Someone was always "backing into her".  She took lots and lots of money from my parents.  She was driving some girl home one night (the girl was drunk, she claims she was not) and in some odd accident, she slammed on the breaks and the girls head hit her arm so hard the bone poked out of her arm by two inches. There were legal proceedings around this.  There have been many legal proceedings, from DUIs, from violent incidents.  When I took my three-month old to meet her, we were waiting on her because she was at court to testify that her abusive boyfriend shouldn't go to jail.  She has been hit by a drunk driver.  She still called in the middle of the night, drunk and crying.  She calls my father screaming at him.  He's called the cops a ton.  The list goes on and on and on, but I think you get the picture.  I'm actually embarrassed to write all of this stuff.  Embarrassed to admit it.  Her life is such a far cry from the life I live. 

During this time, I got married, built a house, and started a family.  She rarely is there for me.  When I have confided in her, she later uses that information to hurt me and blame me.  She has raged against me many times and I fear her temper.  I've been discouraged from telling her my "happy" things, as she and NM claims it makes her feel bad.  Makes her feel shitty by comparison.  So, I can't tell her my sorrow and I can't tell her my joy.  She is spotty in her interest in me, my kids, or my life.  She is often jealous and so I can't share with her.  During most of my special moments in life (when my kids are born, or when we moved into our new home) some incident in her life always comes up to change the focus.  Always.  NM then becomes wrapped up in that.   She only occasionally remembers my kids' birthdays (recently, she remembered one, but not the other).  She called me two days after my son's first birthday, never even mentioning it (and I dared not call her on it.  I knew the drill, how dare I focus on ME when she was having so much drama/tragedy/hard times.  This is the constant in our lives.  No Jessie attention because NSIS is struggling.)  When she has remembered an occasion, she goes overboard.  And then complains about having no money for the next two months because she "spent it all on Christmas".  I've spent hours on the phone as she selects gifts for her bosses or her boyfriend, while saying she has no money for family.  She has only acknowledged my husband's birthday once (this last year, during estrangement).  She told me both times that she would come to help me when I gave birth, only to have that plan evaporate (and never mentioned again) as we got closer to the date.  The last time, she wanted to bring the (abusive) boyfriend home to meet me and my husband and "help" me with the newborn and my other child.  It didn't occur to her that a woman with two kids, one a newborn, and fresh off surgery wouldn't be able to entertain.  When I finally told her the boyfriend couldn't come, she decided she had to work and couldn't come either.  (And she'd brought home a boyfriend the year before, who after a fight, left her here....650 miles away from her home and with her dog.) 

I kept feeling like I was her life boat.  Her only true friend.  I wanted to save her.  I had hope.  She knew little of my life, my kids, my husband, but she felt we were "close".  We would go months without talking because she wouldn't get back to me.  She had too much going on in her life to return my mundane little calls.    I knew things were still bad and chaotic, but she seemed to have stabilized a bit. 

Two summers ago, she announced on FB that she had cancer and then quickly retracted it.  She never called me to tell me what was going on.  Two months later she called and screamed at me for not supporting her (not immediately, but it quickly went there).  She had ignored my son having surgery (not a huge one, but still, he was only four) but was screaming at me about support.  She had ignored his birthday.  She didn't return my call or text or email asking if she was OK.   I figured if she needed me she could call. 

I never have found out the truth about the cancer.  (I believe she has some sort of medical issue, but that it is not cancer).  She left me fielding calls from my parents and relatives.  She didn't feel she had a responsibility to deal with anyone because of all she "was going through".  She continued to fight with her boyfriend (and not coincidentally, he had been threatening to break up with her right before the cancer shit), breaking up, getting kicked out of her apartment for it, and then moving back in with him.  She never let me know she had moved.

She tried, several times, to 'play pretend', sending me texts about a bedroom furniture set she wanted to buy (after taking lots of money from my father for hospital bills for the "cancer").  I have finally admitted to myself that she lies.  She sent some gifts to my kids out of the blue and then got angry at me for not accepting them as the bribe they were.  (How dare I suggest that! she screamed).  She has sent me several hate filled emails saying I am a selfish, horrible sister and she is "unsure" how we got to this place from our "close" relationship she thought we had (does the above sound "close" to you?).  She sent some gifts for my son's and DH's birthday.  Again, becoming pissed when I didn't respond the way she wanted me to.  And so, she didn't acknowledge my first son's birthday two months later (and it's not about the gifts for me, it's the using of my kids as pawns in her shitty little games).  She sent one email to me accusing me of keeping (stealing, really) the family photos that NM forced me to 'get out of her house'.    NSIS said that she has tried to contact me, but that, basically, I'm being difficult and stubborn.  I tried, once, in an email to begin to explain where I was coming from.  That didn't go well.  She text-bombed me for an entire day one time.  She has tried to call "out of the blue" and then was shocked I didn't answer (she has been told to only contact me by email if she wants to work this out.  I want this shit in writing from now on.)

We have spent two Christmas', Thanksgivings, and birthdays sending vague and trite texts. She sent two texts/FB messages demanding that I "please talk to me".  Once, she told me to quit being ridiculous (like I was a child throwing a snit)  This year, she started in early December,  asking for ideas for my kids for gifts for Christmas (because it's hard when she doesn't know them, she said.  hahahahaha).  When I didn't respond, she tried again, asking for ideas for my father.  Then, she texted asking for my address because she'd "lost (her) address book" (she's always "losing" her address book).  She could've easily gotten it (and the ideas for my kids) from my mother.  Not surprisingly, she didn't send anything.  (I should also add that during this time, she's twice told me she's sent something that never showed up.  Last Christmas, it was money to put towards there college funds....and this was when she was "broke" from the medical bills and time off from work for her medical problem.  OH, and another interesting tidbit, she is always "broke" but then will find money to go on a trip or buy some new item.) 

NM pushed for a reconciliation (you can find that post here) once.  Mostly, she tells me how she "understands" because it has been SO HARD ON HER to deal with NSIS.  It's always been about how hard NSIS has been on her.

NSIS has never offered a real apology.  NSIS claims I'm being ridiculous and making things about me.  NSIS has not heard me.  It occurred to me that I'm partially to blame because I've never told her my real feelings about our relationship (and her).  But what could I say?  She would attack me for that.  And I wanted to help her.  I believe now she has a mental illness, in addition to narcissism.  I do not know what to do any more.  I'm saddened to find a hole that I used to think my sister would some day occupy.  It was hard to watch her and NM play lovey-dovey on FB at Christmas.  And part of me wanted to reach out.  Part of me wanted the "Christmas shine" to smooth out the cracks in our relationship.  But I know that this is more than just "cracks".  This is trying to have a relationship with a crazy person.  And I don't know how to do that.  I can't continue to watch her treat my husband and children as pawns and competition for my attention.  I can no longer hide her personality from my kids (the one time she was really around my sons, she was good for about a day before she started drinking, bitching about how it was effecting her time, and complaining about herself.)  She is not someone I want around my kids (and I do not want the boyfriend around them at all.  He's, to say the least, fucked up). 

I think I know the real answer is that I can't go back from NC with her.  But that doesn't mean she won't continue to "pretend" that it all go back to the way it was.  I've never actually dealt with her (because what is the point?  She's not going to hear me and will only give her ammunition.  Sweet Violet recently wrote a really good post on this.  I'll post a link if anyone wants it.)  I feel pressure (although I'm not sure from where) to deal with her.  I know she will never just "go away" and I will have to deal with her, at some point, in the future (recently we had a family reunion, which I ended up not going to because she had said she would be there.   She ended up not going-she and NM had tried to manipulate ME into giving her a ride and letting her stay with me.   Seriously, WTF?)  She is not going away.  But I just can't hold out hope anymore.  She's 34 years old.  Her life reads like a horror film (and the above details?  The tip of the iceberg) and I'm tired of witnessing it.  And the guilt, for giving up, for letting her go, sometimes is unbearable. 

Sorry this was long.  To be fair, some of the details are out of chronological order (it's really hard to piece this all together).  Lots of time, my memory of things is choppy (like I remember the incident, but forget exactly where in the time line it fell) mainly because so much of it was so horrific, I've sort of blocked it out.  Thanks for bearing with me and reading along.  All and any advice would be welcome. 


Editing Note (post posting):  To be fair, I want to say that my sister is extremely smart, witty, clever, beautiful, and hard working (when she has the chance).  She can be generous (to a fault) and is not completely selfish and all consuming.  She has so much that she could capitalize on.  Unfortunately empathy, self restraint, and control are not among them.  We have had some good moments together...until we don't.  And those moments rarely last longer than a few hours.  Often she was the only person who had my back against NM, until she didn't.  She used to be my sole confidant about this (as she was the only other person I knew who understood), but she would later use that confidence to hurt me and ALWAYS ended back up on NM's "side". 

58 comments:

  1. Please talk to a counselor. I didn't have the skills to deal with the insanity of my interactions with my NB until I worked with a counselor.

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  2. I related to a lot of this post as the elder sister. While my sister is more histrionic than narcissistic, I did a lot to protect her from my crazy mother, which led to me being blamed for much of my sister's messiness and helplessness (I cleaned up after get, etc)

    I'm not really in contact with my sister because I refuse to play into her drama, so therefore don't give her what she needs. I don't miss the stress of feeling like it was my job to save her.

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    1. "I'm not really in contact with my sister because I refuse to play into her drama, so therefore don't give her what she needs. I don't miss the stress of feeling like it was my job to save her. " This is EXACTLY how I feel. I don't even really want to work on our relationship because I don't miss it. And because 90% of my interactions with her are extremely toxic, I don't miss her either. It's just left me at a weird place emotionally. And it's taken over a year for me to either wrap my mind around what was really going on. NSIS did not have patience for this, and refuses to even acknowledge our relationship was not good.
      I'm so sorry you can relate to this, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I get so sick of seeing "my sister is my best friend" and can get really bitter at seeing other sisters love and support each other.

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    2. I really do know where you are coming from. I have to constantly squash my envy of sister-sister, mother-daughter relationships that are even remotely normal.

      My sister was ALWAYS trying to date my small handful of boyfriends. It was disgusting. And hurtful.

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    3. The dynamic of sister-sister relationships has some interesting differences from the dynamic of sister-brother in narc families. The stealing of boyfriends being a crucial difference - but in a similar way, NSIL is definitely guilty of stealing DH's friends. She didn't share her friends with him (um...thankfully, that would have been REALLY gross from his perspective) but he had to share every single one of his friends (male and female) with her. And most, if not all of them are still loyal to her.

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  3. Oh and my sister is ALWAYS losing her addresses. My mother too. What the hell is that all about?!

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    1. I really have no idea. I think, for my sister, she just doesn't see value in having my address. She figures, if she needs it, she can always just get it from me. Why bother to be responsible for that information when she can just get it from me? I, personally, think it's childish and selfish, but I could be reading too much into it ;)
      She also loses her wallet and breaks things constantly. She is just generally ROUGH on stuff. Not intentionally, well intentionally too, but we would go shopping and she'd pick up sunglasses and they'd just fall apart in her hands....

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    2. Even after reading your added paragraph to original post-- unfortunately, anyone can be gracious and generous for a while when everything is going their way at the moment, or they happen to be in a good mood-- it appears to me that losing the wallet might give her opportunities to get someone else to pay, and breaking things will always focus all available attention on her, even if only for the moment. I'm afraid the sunglasses were probably not just falling apart in her hands. --quartz

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  4. You're doing a great job of describing this situation accurately and seeing it clearly for what it is. I feel angry at what you and your sister have had to endure growing up and how each of you were emotionally abandoned in various ways.

    That being said, you are not in a position to be able to help your sister. Anything you do in regards to her just becomes grist for her drama mill, as you are now clearly seeing and have so well described.

    I second Judy's suggestion, especially so you can have support for the toll this situation has taken on you, and some help in dealing with these extreme losses of what seemed to be family. --quartz

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    1. One of the biggest hurdles I had, Quartz is that mother would not ALLOW me to be angry about any of this (even now. She recently relayed a story about telling a coworker how "difficult" teenage girls are. Um, we may have been difficult, but look at the situation.) She refuses to see it as difficult (granted, her childhood looked like a horror story too). Anyway, for years, NM held it against me if I was angry about the divorce, or the after effects. She implied that my anger, somehow invalidated her "new" happiness and I was being selfish. That it was "her time" now. And then, later, when I would get angry at her for pulling narc behavior crap, she would say "you're still just angry about the divorce. You really need to get over that." It really was maddening.

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    2. She was the one being horribly invalidating. --quartz

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  5. Please note that I have added a paragraph to the end of this post.

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  6. Thanks Judy and Quartz, I've long thought a counseler would be good (especially, as Quartz said, I've really struggled with this extreme loss of family....and there is so much more to it beyond this). The hard part is taking the time to find a counseler who would understand this (and narcissism). Plus, I have two small children and limited babysitters (well none) and so having DH take time off for finding the counselor and then to go to the counselor (and worrying I'd find the "wrong" one and have to start the process over) is daunting. I have been before. But, as a psych major and knowing how to appear healthy, I generally was able to whip out appear healthier than I was (I struggled to even write this post, let alone share it with someone out loud. Posting it was terrifying for me.) And I found the suggestions they had, medication and journaling, were not really wanted I need. So....I sort of gave up.
    But I'm going to try and figure out a way to make it work. Thanks so much for your support.

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  7. Alrighty Roosky, I think I'm just going to respond to things as I read. I like to discuss as I go through these longer posts, I think it makes it easier to digest and ponder the details.

    "Birthdays from then on, became a "shared" activity, and our enmeshment grew out of that." I have long believed that birthdays (at least when seen through the lens of our society) are kind of a significant thing. I'm sure there are some cultures (and religions) who simply don't celebrate birthdays the way we do, but to us, they are pretty important. People look forward to celebrating the day they were born, as well as the birthdays of loved ones. And after having been a part of the narc drama for a while, it became pretty apparent how narcs always seem to find ways to try and destroy that celebration. I see the celebration of a birthday as being the celebration of that person's life - it's about showing them that you are happy they were born. And I guess because of that, it's sort of easy for narcissists to use it to hurt others in some way.

    I think it would prove challenging for even a loving, empathetic parent to have made you and your sister's birthdays each special - in part because they are close to a major holiday, and also because they are so close to each other. Challenging, but not impossible. I wonder, did your NM fuck this up because she was lazy? Because she was ignorant? Because she simply didn't care? Or probably a combination of all three. Whatever the case, she took something that should have been special and important, and turned it into just another aspect of what was already a very dysfunctional situation.

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    1. So, pace yourself dear, this one is a long post with lots in it ;)

      NM did this, mainly, because she it was easier for her and she thought she was doing a good thing. She did, after all, let us both pick out our own dinner each night :). But it really didn't allow for any individuality, which was the thing that bothered me most. Same gifts, same party, same activity. All shared.
      I don't care too much about my birthday, but I do think, for someone like me, that having a day that is all about you would be nice. Or just a day that celebrates me being here, as you said. I know some people who use their birthday to suck more attention to themselves, and so I shy away from my own. But it would be nice to be celebrated for me for a change (and my kiddos and DH do that now.)

      Delete
  8. "Mom made me "her little helper" and I helped to take care of my sister."

    Even in family dynamics where there is little/no narcissistic parenting present, I have long felt that expecting one child to be responsible for his/her sibling is wrong. SO wrong. It takes away from their relationship, rather than helps it progress. It also requires that the "care-taking" child grow up much faster than they should.

    What you describe is so similar to what was expected of DH in terms of his sister. He was, essentially, another parent to her (in some ways, probably a slightly better parent than her actual parents) - and goes far to explain why she seems to feel "abandoned" by him now. It's creepy, but I think she sees him as a sort of "dead-beat dad." I doubt she'd have the self-awareness to ever see that for herself, and she certainly doesn't see it now (or how fucked-up it is that it was set up that way...by her own NM), nor has she appropriated the blame in the right place. Ergo, the little to no communication from her (except after her "suicide attempt" in 2012).

    I think these younger siblings have been taught to blame YOU, and rather than fight that urge, they just go along with it. It's learned. It could be unlearned, but you know, that would be HARD. So, no dice.

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    1. NSIS always said I was her "second mom". I told this to NM last fall and she said "well, that's just because of some stuff I was going through at the time" and dismissed it all with a wave of her hand. Sure, NM. But yes, now NSIS feels abandoned by her "mom" again. It was one of the things I really struggled with in finally putting my foot down. I didn't want her to feel that abandonment again.
      I don't think it's ever good to make one sibling responsible for another and I work hard to not make my older son responsible for his brother. BUT, I do think that, at times, it's OK to give them some responsibility in that sense. Asking him to watch him for a second, or help him with something. But I'm always careful to let him know it is a FAVOR to me, and not an obligation he has. And occasionally, I have the little one help his older brother. I think it helps foster a sense of responsibility and caring for each other. It's a delicate balance and I work hard (and hope) and hope I manage it well.

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  9. "My father knew. He finally told me to start hitting her back. To quit letting her attack me. Stand up for myself."

    I know you have said that you have a better relationship with your father than with your NM. I do see that occasionally in what you write about him. This is not one of those times. It's fucked up for him to tell you to hit her back, to in essence, reprimand you for being a victim to her violence. What he SHOULD have done was be the parent and figure out how to help your sister behave. What he SHOULD have done was commend you for not hitting her in retaliation and then dealt out an appropriate consequence for her behaviors. What he should have done, if the situation was severe enough was get himself into some parenting classes and your sister into counseling.

    A lot of shoulds here, and they all land on HIS shoulders. What he did instead was tell you that it was alright to respond to violence with violence, and that you (the victim) were basically to blame because you didn't "stand up for yourself." Bullshit. Your younger sister was beating up on you when she should have been learning healthier ways of dealing with her emotions and you had two parents sitting there with their thumbs up their butts, telling you it was your responsibility to somehow resolve the situation.

    No doubt, they are still telling you the same damn thing.

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    1. To be a bit clearer, he only advocated this for when I was alone with her (which was often). That doesn't make it better, but I think he's point was to quit allowing myself to be abused...he just didn't know an appropriate way to do that.
      But, yes, you are right, he should have done better. And my relationship with him, up until I was an adult, was NOT good. At all. It was not better than NM and my relationship. They both sucked.
      The reason my relationship with dad changed (somewhat) is that he did go get therapy. He did try and change (and still does). He doesn't always do a good job, but I at least feel he tries. He has apologized for being a shitty parent. He takes full responsibility for being a shitty parent (often when I'm not even asking him to). He KNOWS how shitty it was. And never makes me feel like it was my fault. So, that makes a huge difference, and is why our relationship is better now. But back then, no, not so much.

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  10. "NM still breeds resentment between the two."

    Yep - triangulation. She also does this between you and your sister.

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    1. Oh, of course. Triangulation is NM's main tool (she does it with EVERYONE). And even though I recognize it, I'm still surprised when I discover a new tact she's taken at times.

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  11. Every time you describe your sister, I think, NSis sounds more like someone with Borderline Personality disorder than narcissism. I mean, she's got some narc-y traits, but the absolute chaos, especially around real or perceived abandonment really rings a bell. Regardless, though, you can't fix her or heal her, and most importantly, doing so isn't your job.

    Jessie, you both endured some incredible trauma growing up. Somehow, you had just enough resilience and fortitude to survive it. NSis, not so much. I agree with Judy and Quartz that having a relationship with a therapist would be really helpful. You can do a lot of interviewing over the phone around treatment modality and whether the therapist has experience working with ACoNs or not.

    I want to acknowledge your courage in posting this. Whether you see it or not, I see you as having the heart of a lion. I've been NC with my own NM for a year, and I couldn't bring myself to keep a blog up out of fear of discovery. I think you're amazing.

    I also have a background in psychology and, trust me, I know all about the "faking good." I've done it with my own therapists in the past. For me, faking good was a defense so they wouldn't see how broken I thought I was. The problem was that in doing so, I wasn't getting any better. It took recognizing that I wasn't getting anything out of the process if I did that, and finding a therapist that I could trust before those walls started to come down.

    I believe in you--
    drea

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    1. Man, Drea, you've really touched a nerve, and I SO appreciate your support. This means a lot to me.

      I agree, I think NSis is much more borderline. I actually suspected that (or bipolar, which runs in my father's family) a long time ago. However, I do think that she has an underlining narcissism mixed in there too. She's, um, complicated.

      I had to post this stuff because, for so long, NM claimed (still does) that we had it good. Or that she was good mom. Or that this stuff shouldn't bother me. Or that it wasn't that bad. I've only recently really admitted to myself and my husband how bad I think it was. I was really good at seeing the "good" and minimizing the bad. But the anger, resentment, and sadness over it all was swallowing me whole.
      So, step by step, I'll get there. I think blogging, allowing myself to admit stuff in a more "anonymous" and safe place has helped and will help when I do find a therapist. I did use to fear getting "caught" but I've realized the risk of that is actually pretty minimal (I am VERY careful to never use words to tip NM or NSIS off so that they go "researching" narcissism and stumble upon my blog). And I felt very guilty about spilling their "secrets", especially the above stuff. Hardly anyone in my life knows all that has happened with my sister. But I realized I was tired of being the secret keeper and I had to talk about me too. So, I blog.
      Thanks again.

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  12. "I predicted her moods, I was concerned over her emotional well being. I protected her: from friends, from pain, from my father."

    You're calling it "close," but I'd still call it enmeshment. I don't think it was a bad thing (at all) that you were so emotionally in-tuned with your sister - in the right context and with the right set of parents, that could have been an amazingly positive dynamic between the two of you. But it was, sadly, turned against you and USED for (probably mostly your NM's) benefit.

    In the above quote, you're still describing the responsibilities of a parent, not a sister. That's not to say that other siblings don't care about each other's emotional well-being, or that they can't predict their siblings moods, or that they don't, at times, want to protect their siblings from being hurt, but what was expected (and honed!) in you was not healthy. It was overboard, too much - I think it was to the point where neither one of you got to emotionally develop or to have your relationship with each other grow and fluxuate the way it should have.

    I do recall seeing something in a couple of NMIL's emails to DH where she referenced how CLOSE he "used to be" with his sister - other people from his circle used similar terminology as well. But, as an outsider looking in, I thought the entirety of his relationship with her was not "close" at all. They were each superficial. He was considerably older than her. They didn't know each other, in part because with people raised to be so superficial, what's really to know? I sort of gagged whenever I saw that phrase, "You guys used to be so close." Or "We used to be so close." Or whatever.

    Close? Close, in what way? How? That wasn't possible. It IS possible to be close in the future, but that requires a lot of time, physical distance, and work on both parts.

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    1. Yes, I can clearly see now how we were enmeshed and not "close". I think, when writing this, I was trying to write the event from the mental state I was in at the time (sort of how I justified these behaviors). But I can clearly see now, it was not closeness. At all.

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  13. "Not knowing what was going on and fearing intruders, I retrieved my father's gun, ready to shoot whomever was coming in. I was 15 at the time."

    Where (physically) were your parents during these incidents?

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    1. NM was staying the weekend at her boyfriend (now my step father's) house. An hour away (50 miles). My father was in his own apartment. But he was such a mess at the time, it didn't even occur to me to call him. And I certainly didn't think about the cops. They'd been to our home to much recently. Really, I look back and think how idiotic this was. But I try to remember, I was a child, in shock from what was going on, and really not thinking clearly in general. These kinds of moments, in a normal childhood, would stand out significantly, but my life at the time was so chaotic, that it didn't even register that I had other options than to deal with it myself.

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    2. It seems to me that you didn't really have much in the way of options, and the way you handled it, given the circumstances, with the imminent threat of shouting strangers acting like they were going to bust in the door, was probably about what was called for at that moment; you were able to think clearly enough to discover they were teens and effectively threaten them; I'm very impressed that anyone at 15 was capable of all that! --quartz

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    3. I appreciate your kind words, Quartz.
      I should clarify. I awoke (at 3 a.m or so) to the pounding on the front door. It was loud, repeated pounding. I didn't know that it was teenagers at that moment, and had assumed by the loud pounding, that it was a man. I went and got the gun, went back to the top of the stairs (the door was at the bottom) and yelled loudly, threatening to call the cops if they didn't leave (the gun was in preparation for them not leaving, and choosing to still come threw the door). When I threatened them, they stopped, and NSIS came up the stairs having heard me shouting. She calmed me down, took the gun, and put me back to bed (she was 13 at the time). It wasn't until a few minutes later, when my adrenaline had calmed, that I started to realize how absurd the situation was and that NSIS had been MUCH too calm and rational. And that's when, it occurred to me she had known who it was. I went downstairs (she had been sleeping in my parents room) and she was gone and I knew she had left with her boyfriend and his friends. I was so angry that I locked her out for the rest of the night and went back to bed. I never told my mother or father what happened. I didn't need any more drama.
      Sorry for the confusion, some of these memories float around in my head more in an emotional way, than in actual facts, and I have to stop and recall them for them to settle into how it all actually happened.

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    4. Yep, that is pretty much how your description came across to me, and yeah, I'm impressed with how you handled it, all of it! --quartz

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    5. Thanks, quartz. I guess, sometimes being told all your life that you "don't make any sense and are crazy" or that I'm lying, or not remembering correctly, I over agonize over getting the story out clearly and correctly. :)

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    6. HA! HA! HA! I'm afraid you probably scared them with how much sense you were making and how clear and correct you were, in response to their attempts to bamboozle you! --quartz

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  14. Reading through the abuse your sister was dealing out (as well as your NM) strikes me with the thought that you had nowhere SAFE to be. There was no place where you could go to feel safe and secure. Either you were getting beat up, your possessions were being trashed or stolen, your relationships were being destroyed. Nothing was sacred. No physical space was safe.

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    1. That's why I moved out. I spent a year living out of a duffle bag on my boyfriend's parents couch. I got myself to school (straight A's in college level prep courses, none the less), was in theater, had a part time job, paid for my gas, my meals, and generally took care of myself. I remember the school janitor noticed my car was in the parking lot a lot at school and he worried I was sleeping in it. I wasn't. But I also didn't really let on what was going on. But I remember feeling so cared for, by the fucking janitor of the school, who actually seemed to care that I was OK.

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  15. "My mother looked horrible whenever I saw her. All our conversations revolved around NSIS and the stress and pressure NSis was putting on her."

    I know this is old news, but: not only were you expected to be responsible for your sister (in all ways) but you were also expected to be responsible for your NM's. I mean, where was the space for YOU to communicate your feelings? Where was the space for you to share your achievements and struggles? Where was the space for you to simply focus on YOU, on what YOU needed and wanted, on who YOU wanted to be, on what YOU wanted to do in your life?

    Uh. Not there? I don't see that space for you. You were too busy being set up as the care-taker for all of these people - who were some SERIOUSLY high-maintenance individuals.

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    1. There was no space for me. No space to enjoy college, or my early 20s. No space to be a teenage. None.

      Delete
  16. "I despised my sister. Blamed her and hated her for all she was putting my mother through."

    This makes me feel like your NM is SO very ugly. Such an ugly, damaged person in her heart (if she has one) and in her soul. NSIL once said the same thing to DH: "How could you do this to Mom?" It was after she came for a Christmas visit in 2009 (and spent the entirety of the visit guilting and blaming DH for all that we had not done for her) - and I attempted to help DH stand up to her. And after his NM left our apartment, shedding her phoney crocodile tears, about an hour or so later, DH got a phone call from his sister where she asked him how he could "do that to their mother" and that "no one else would tell him this but he was WRONG."

    And what was most sad about it to me was that she was looking in the wrong direction, blaming the wrong damn person. While NMIL was out there whispering her lies and playing her games and benefiting from what was a corrosive relationship between her own son and daughter. Fucked up.

    And everyone was supposed to feel bad for her. For NMIL. And attend to HER needs, and sop up HER phoney tears, and make sure that SHE was taken care of.

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  17. "And I blamed her for destroying my family."

    That's also what NSIL has said, oh probably several times now, to DH. I don't blame you for thinking that way. The source of all this heartache is the narcissistic mother.

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  18. "They just didn't understand or make allowances for all that she'd been through." <--NM's rhetoric. That's some powerful brainwashing: to have made you so willing to see your sister as a victim of her own life, rather than the leading role in it.

    I recently read a quote about how it's a fool who sees his life in terms of luck, when he should be seeing it in terms of cause and effect. (Or something like that.) I think you and I have talked about that before - how your NSIL was set up to see her own life as though it's just a series of unfortunate events, rather than to take responsibility for what's happening.

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  19. "I walked on egg shells with her. I shared little of myself. I wanted to help her, to save her. I knew I could, if I just believed and supported her enough. I blamed my step mother for butting in. I blamed my father for his rage and not loving her enough. And then I started blaming my mother for her enabling."

    I think this is where a paradigm shift was closing in - the point at which blame needed to move from the NM, to the (now nearing physical adulthood) NSIS. She was (and continues to be) the ONLY one who can save herself. NO ONE else can do this - not you, not her countless boyfriends, not even the NM who fucked her up to begin with. That responsibility is now on NSIS's shoulders.

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    1. It was a hard reality when she hit 30, and I realized she was now an adult and NOTHING had changed.

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    2. And you are right, to shift that blame should've happened then, and it was really, really hard. To realize she really didn't/can't/won't help herself.

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  20. "She started to see. I knew, if I just supported her, instead of fighting her, I could help her."

    If it's any consolation, I still have hope that DH's sister will someday get to this point too - where she'll actually start to examine her own relationship with her NM long enough to realize on some level that it's REALLY effed up - a realization that could potentially open up a new door in DH's relationship with his sister.

    But maybe this is why you're having a hard time letting go of the rest of that responsibility towards your sister now - because you had that glimmer sometime ago where it seemed POSSIBLE she might wake up and see. And then she went willingly back into the darkness.

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    1. That was even harder, seeing her wake up a bit, just to go right back under.

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  21. "I'm actually embarrassed to write all of this stuff. Embarrassed to admit it. Her life is such a far cry from the life I live."

    Dear friend, her behavior is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of the parents who raised her. They are the ones who should feel ashamed, guilty, upset, and embarrassed over how her life is turning out. Because they caused it. They are to blame. They are the source of her troubles. And now she has the answer - she IS the answer. She just hasn't realized it - and I have serious doubts that she ever will.

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    1. Maybe, I'm embarrassed too that THIS is my family. This is what I've got and what I've come from. And hard to not feel like a crazy freak too, when this is my "stock". And then I also feel guilty for being embarrassed. Dang, too many freaking emotions about this all.

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  22. Jessie, You are carrying the weight-in this situation, embarrassment-as you've carried every.other.feeling. for your family your entire life.
    The embarrassment is not your's to bear-it never was. In sacrificing your childhood, adolescence, early adult life, YOUR very personhood, you've more than compensated for what ever debt they inculcated in your soul. I can not imagine what a child or an Adult Child could possibly "owe" under any circumstances.
    There is so much honor for all involved in standing aside and allowing others to experience the full weight of their own decisions. Accountability is a fact of adult life.
    I am so very sorry, Jessie.
    TW

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  23. It's hard to let go of 'relationships' that have been a part of our lives so long even if they are toxic. Society's expectations, our own lifetime of being brainwashed, hope of change, etc... keep us tied in. I have the same deal you describe, psycho mom and sis.

    Some saving graces for me
    --reading Narcissists Suck blog (Anna Valerious)--I love her no nonsense attitude
    --getting caller ID--it's like the witness protection for ACONs
    --refusing any communication except letters and those are very limited,
    they won't take the time so it works out well for me
    --thinking of my husband and children first, it was easier to limit the contact with the psychos when I realized how it was affecting my family

    It's icky sorting through the past garbage, realizing how creepy these people are, and making decisions about how to proceed. But you seem to be making great progress and it's good you are angry about the past and present behavior. Let it catalyze you into action to do what is best for you and your children. Your mom and sis need to sort themselves out, it's not your job.

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  24. It gets to a point where one cannot make any more excuses for them, nor keep waiting to see whether they'll ever change. One has to get on with one's life. You have given your sister more chances than anyone else would have given her, if she'd been treating them as she's been treating you. A lot of the stuff she did to you are absolute deal breakers, and many people would have walked away then and never spoken to her ever again. She's been "appeased" by your parents all her life, and quite clearly it hasn't helped because she has not got better. I think that's what you have to keep in mind when the "guilt" creeps in: that everything you have done till now did not make your relationship better, so doing something different (like you're doing now) will either give her pause for thought, or free you from her abuse. What you're telling her by your current behaviour is that the way she's treating you is not ok, and that you're no longer going to put up with that sort of behaviour nor allow your kids to come into contact with that sort of influence. Really, all your doing is setting boundaries; if she can't respect them, she can't expect to be a part of your life.

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  25. Re: this ->"You have given your sister more chances than anyone else would have given her, if she'd been treating them as she's been treating you" So true. I've given her more chances than I ever would somebody else who treats me like this. I would NEVER put up with this shit if she was just some friend (or even a cousin or aunt).
    Re: this --> "Really, all your doing is setting boundaries; if she can't respect them, she can't expect to be a part of your life."
    Seriously, this made me almost laugh out loud. Because it's so TRUE and so simple. But she's made it into this huge, monumental attack on her. She has blown it SO out of proportion, when all I've done is ask that she treats me (and my kids and husband) with some respect and not involve me in her deviance.

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    1. I know, it's shocking how simple it is when you can get past their gaslighting and look at the whole situation for what it really is and not for the emotions they're putting out. They go round putting an abandoned puppy face and make it sound as if you had been the biggest ogre ever and done unspeakable things to them, when in reality all one has done is say NO. That why it's some important to ALWAYS look at the bare facts, (rather than at the emotions they're "throwing" at us) to keep us grounded and to stop them from manipulating us.

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  26. Sadly, I can relate to your relationship or lack of it with your sister. I can no longer have a relationship with mine. I tell myself that she has every right to choose the way she wants to live and I have every right not to be a part of it. I know the pain, anxiety, and anger that comes with it. It's not that I don't love her, I always will, but I can not subject myself or my children to this anymore. I tried for years to "fix" and help her. She doesn't want help. She wants to keep on living the way she wants with "unconditional love" for who/what she is. I have not spoken to her for two years. She doesn't have my email and I don't accept her on facebook. That doesn't stop her from bombarding my home and cell with drunken messages that I don't respond to. One of the many was her saying " I know you don't want to talk to me, but I really NEED to talk to you." In other words, it doesn't matter what I want to need, her need is more important. I truly feel for you and the suffering that you are going through.

    I was reading your blog trying to look for examples of N behavior. Trying to figure out if a "friend" had this. She was much more subtle in her tactics and I am not sure if it's N or that I am too sensitive.

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    1. Debit, I'm sorry to hear that you can identify with this. You describe my feelings towards my sister: I love her, but I can not continue to be subjected to this (and I especially can't allow her to inflict her toxicity on my children).
      My sister said almost the exact same thing to me recently about "needing" me, despite what I wanted. Her needs always have trumped mine, and it was time to stop.
      I'm also sorry to hear that you are questioning your friend's behavior too.
      Generally, I would say that if you are questioning your friend's behavior that much, trust your gut. BUT, I have been wrong. My step mother is very overbearing, very controlling, and I often wondered if she was a narc too. And while I do believe she has some tendencies, she is not without empathy and the ability to see things from my side. The same with my father. It doesn't mean that our relationship doesn't need work, but at least I feel I have something to work with.
      I would suggest checking out my post on "covert narcissism" (June 2013) for some more subtle examples. I would also be happy to recommend some sites or blogs if you need more help. My email address is linked on this page, and I'm happy to help. I tend to write more from a personal experience and I know specific examples require reading through my wordy posts :) If you check my labels about MIL or NM, you may find more concrete examples too. I would also search for "25 characteristics of Narcissistic mothers". It applies to NMs, but a lot of the examples can be extrapolated to other people in our lives. Good luck.

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  27. This sounds pretty much like my relationship with my GCNSis. However, she doesn't use drugs and she is smart Smart enough to realize she is so insecure she can't stand on her own two feet to take care of herself. She has managed to marry two different men to take care of her because she knows she can't . All of your post I can relate to...being expected to cater to the mood swings and not addressing the real issues of the dysfunction. I have not talked to her in over 2 years. She agreed with me at first that our mom was emotionally abusive and then shortly after that quit talking to me. I think the fact that I made her realize something made her upset. Since then, my NM has accused me of ruining our family because I'm not caving in to reconcile with my sister. NM just wants me to do what I did as a kid and ignore her bad behavior as abusive as it was. I can't do that anymore and they don't get it. I'm not going to bridge a gap and say "sorry" for something I didn't create. That was the old me who would just bend over and take it, not anymore. Finally, my husband realizes that there is no pleasing them and they both just like to hang on to division. The holidays have always been tough and in the last two years, they have been peaceful but I would be lying if I didn't say that in some way, I should not be able to enjoy the peace because the "family" is not together. Each year it gets easier and I have to keep reminding myself they did this and I didn't.

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    1. I keep thinking of more reminders of how sick my Nsis really is....I realized she has never been there for me ever but I have been there for more times than I can count. I've been expected to be there between boyfriends/husbands etc....then the second she meets a new guy, I'm history. Back in the 90's I was moving and no surprise here but none of the so-called friends I had could help repay the so many favors I had been there for them to help me move. Well, I had a moving company move me. They busted my furniture in the move. My parents were vacationing at the time so I called my soon to be married to her first husband Nsis to help me un-pack out of desperation. She came over to my new place totally irritated and basically said she could not help because she and her fiance needed to spend time together and that was something I could not understand...I'm like you are getting married to him so there will be a ton of time in your married life to be together. Well, less than a year after she was married, it was over. He new husband asked for a divorce..he was a narc too and I don't think narcs can compete or live together if they are both so demanding. So I helped her get her move out and made arrangements for places to store her furniture. So I'm her buddy for a while and then hubby #2 comes into play and of course, I'm no longer needed. So, #2 wedding is coming up and her lease was up on her apartment just before the wedding so she was going to move in with her soon to be #2 hubby. Nmom was having a huge fit about this because it would not look good to her church public. She asked me to talk nsis out of it(triangulation here). So I did and it blew up into a huge fight and Nmom did not back me on it. The day of the wedding I am terribly sick with the flu but I manage to get to the wedding. I'm greeted by my parents at the venue and while we are talking the photographer came out to say he was ready for family photos. My mom proceeds to lead me and the photographer asks who I am. He is told I am her sister and he said she didn't mention she had any siblings. Then, my mom summons my dad to come along and basically tells me to go find a seat. I'm excluded from the family photos! I look at my EF and he basically does what NMom says and looks at me like he's sorry but doesn't do anything. I go and find a seat and her friends basically ignore me based on the living together situation I put my sister through. So I decided after the ceremony, I'm leaving. I left and nothing was ever mentioned about me missing the family photos. I could bring up more stuff but it's the same world we all live in and it's sick. Thanks for letting me vent.

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