Call Me Crazy

So, a situation came up in the past few days that I think highlights the difficulty of being an ACoN and being involved with narcs.  For many, many people, I don't think they'd ever understood why this ticked me off.  And if I told the story to someone off the street, they'd probably think that it is more "my" issue than my in-laws being inconsiderate. 

My younger son's birthday is a few months away.  I've begun making plans for his party.  I have gotten myself entangled into family parties (parties in which the grandparents and some of the aunts and uncles as well as some family friends come).   I like throwing the parties for my kids, I like doing something special for them, and I like to create a special experience for them.  The grandparents have always felt that they wanted to come (both my mother and my in-laws).  I had planned to reserve the party this week (and pay a deposit). 


So, yesterday, DH and BIL met up at the park with the kids.   During the conversation, DH asked BIL about a Disney trip they mentioned they were planning.  BIL and SIL had both told us months ago that they were wanting to do a Disney trip with both sets of their kids' grandparents (BIL's parents are DH's parents, and obviously, also my kids' grandparents.)   BIL told DH that they would be leaving the weekend before my sons' birthday and coming back on the weekend of his birthday.  My MIL and FIL are going with them (but not SIL's mother now). 

So, if this was a normal family, you'd just schedule a different time for our party, happy for their trip.  And maybe that's what I should do.  I could see how I could be accused of over reacting and just making this about expecting them to meet my needs.  One could say that I don't have a right to expect that they would consider my son's birthday when making their vacation plans.

But here are my gripes:

*My son's birthday is not a surprise.  The birthday parties are not a surprise.  We have had one for all my kids' birthdays (7 total) for the past 5 years.  BIL, SIL, their kids, MIL, and FIL have attended everyone (as they live in town).  We got to every one of their kids' birthday parties.  We think that it's important, as they are our FAMILY.  We always make a point (even though it is a really busy time of year) to keep their birthday weekend open.   (I should say that BIL and SIL don't seem to think it's a big deal for aunts and uncles to come.  In fact, they upset BIL's younger brother last year by telling him he could NOT come because they had to many "other" people coming.    BIL and SIL are all about making impressions and will push aside family for random people.  And they'd never miss a friend's kids birthday if they thought it would upset their "friends".)

*Most of the birthday parties have been upstaged by some drama on the part of my in-laws: The first one, BIL and SIL were well over an hour late.  MIL lied to us and said it had to do with her mother going to the hospital.  I found out later that SIL was so angry at MIL for stopping by her house before the party, that she had refused to come to my son's birthday (I'm not really sure WHY being angry at MIL was a good enough excuse for not coming to her nephew's first birthday, but she seemed to think it was.)  MIL and FIL spent the first few hours putting together the wagon they bought for my kid.  SOOOO, we spent the first two hours of a party that was only supposed to be two hours waiting on them.   At my second son's first birthday, MIL decided to invite some long lost relative (because they called her and she couldn't say no) to my son's intimate party.  It served to be a huge distraction.  At one party, SIL and BIL didn't show up until later, as they decided to go suitcase shopping instead (I caught the drift that SIL thinks that since it's a "kid's party" she didn't need to be there, even though he is her nephew.)  She sent the kids with my in-laws, who then were on babysitting duty (not that they did that, they plopped them with me) instead of celebrating my son.  When SIL and BIL did show up, there was so much tension between the two of them that neither one spoke to me or DH and then they promptly left.  They completely drew all the attention to themselves.  One party, MIL occupied herself by discussing the final moments of FIL's mother's death with every guest.  They are generally late, don't help, and always seem to create some sort of drama around themselves.  Last year, MIL complained that we didn't tell her soon enough about my older son's party (we told her over a month in advance) and she'd "almost scheduled something that weekend".  His birthday party is damn near the exact same every year, did it not occur to her that it might be around that time?  And doesn't the phone work both ways?  Couldn't she call and ask US?  Last year, she also tried to get us to rearrange our younger son's date to accommodate when she was in town babysitting my niece and nephew ("oh, it's not this weekend, but the following?  Oh."  Can you almost hear the big sigh.   Apparently having my son's aunt and uncle in attendance wasn't a big deal.)

*NO ONE BOTHERED TO CALL AND TELL US THEY SCHEDULED A TRIP.  I mean, fine, go on your little vacation together.  But do you think you could give us a call and let us know?  It feels an awful lot like they are not thinking about us at all.  MIL surely knows it's DS's birthday.  Why not call and give us a head's up?  It makes me feel like my son isn't a priority at all.  Like we don't even register on their "radar".  And I could give her that she's just "spacey" except she managed to schedule my FIL's birthday party months in advance. 

*If this wasn't the millionth time that we have been expected to just "rearrange" our plans to accommodate them, it wouldn't bother me so much.  But we are always an "afterthought".  We are always expected to work around them.  They don't seem to care much about making sure they are their for OUR kids at all.  BIL and SIL suck up MIL and FIL's time all the time (not that I really care, but the point is that it's HUGELY unbalanced).  I rarely ask anything of them, and they can't make it a priority at all. 

*These people talk and talk about how great a family they are, how wonderful they are together.  But it feels an awful lot like it's all on THEIR terms, on THEIR schedule, and revolved around THEIR needs.  They make no effort to accommodate anyone else (by not "popping in", not expecting us to just drop everything to do what they want, by not bothering to call and COMMUNICATE with us what is going on.  BIL and MIL just make plans, and we get whatever is left over.  Always.  MIL doesn't call and try and make plans with just us, or to see what we are doing.   I know, it works both ways and I don't call THEM to make plans - I don't want to make plans with them - but I find it interesting that MIL doesn't EVER bother to make plans to do anything with us when it is not an "add on" to something else she is doing.)

*And this one is a bit petty, because I really don't WANT to go with them....but I thought it was interesting they'd plan a "family Disney trip" and not even bother to see if we wanted to go.  Our kids are the exact same ages.  And they are they only grandkids of FIL and MIL's.  Is it a bit weird that they didn't even consider that we might like to go too (which I don't, but it feels like they are sucking up all of FIL and MIL"s resources for their own kids, and not thinking about our kids at all.  Again, I'd rather cut off my pinkie finger than vacation with MIL, but they don't seem to think about our feelings.)  And while I could expect that from BIL and SIL and not think too much of it, why has MIL not said anything about the trip to us?  (And for the record, MIL and FIL had to pay their own way and had to split the cost of the condo and trip.  It also is not a coincidence, in my book, that SIL's birthday happens to fall during the same week.  I'm guessing she and BIL plan to sneak away and leave the kids with the "babysitters".   SIL and BIL have always used their parents as "nannies" and depend on them to take the kids a lot. )   MIL and FIL are both retired and don't have tons of funds...I can't imagine they'd want to travel to Disney again.  Like I said, it's petty, because I don't want to go with them, but I find it messed up that the whole family would pack up and do a "family trip" over the top of my son's birthday. 

So, maybe I'm being petty.  Maybe I'm being ridiculous.  Maybe it's not a big deal to move it to another weekend.  I guess I'm just so sick of the chaos they seem to create around every party.  Is it that hard?  Are their nephews and grandsons so unimportant that they don't even think about it?  Am I being ridiculous or are they just truly selfish people?

For the record, DH said fuck them this time.  If they can't make an effort, than we will plan the party without them.  I was a bit surprised, but am feeling glad that he can finally see through this bullshit.  It's not a huge thing, but it the continual disregard for us at all that drives me crazy.  It is this pattern of them not making us a priority.  I don't need it all the time.  I don't need to "be in control".  But it would be nice if someone consider us at all.  If we weren't just "scenery" they move around at will.  It's so very subtle and I could be considered over reacting, but I just can't shake that we don't really matter at all.