A friend told me last week about "living in the shadow of depression."
Lately, I've been living in NM's shadow. It started around February, when she started hassling me to come visit. As usual, she had to create issues and try to impose herself into "family" situations, instead of arranging a visit that would work for both of us.
During the visit, NM created a situation in which she offered to "exchange secrets" with my son and not "tell on him" for breaking a lamp (in exchange, she told him that he couldn't say that she'd accidentally let him see some gifts I had stashed away for him for Valentine's Day.) She felt like they were bonding. I felt like she'd taught him to not tell someone when he'd done something wrong, as long as he "fixed" it. That it was OK to keep secrets from his parents and to exchange secrets. This bothered me IMMENSELY. And I made sure to address it.
Then, NM drummed up some drama over my sister. See this post for details on this situation. Basically, NM whined and cried about how our estrangement is so hard on HER. She gave little sympathy to me. She often has been insensitive and unfair, detailing my sister's life to me and refusing to allow me space from NSIS by constantly talking about her to me.
Also, during this time, NM seized on a situation to try and "cement" a bond with my younger son by coming to his "rescue" when he was upset over a lost toy. She did this by sending alternative toys for him, hoping he'd pick one and she'd be the hero. She had not real concern for my son, or me, or how we were dealing with things. She had no confidence in me, as his mother, to deal with the problem. She never asked about my son or how he was doing, but kept sending things and telling me how hard the situation was on HER. Also, in the process, she purposely left out giving toys to my older son, and in the second "shipment" sent him only a pair of pants. He is still in preschool and was, in my mind, understandably hurt.
My older son was NM's obsession when he was born. Seriously. She over bought, over spent, and over did everything, despite my protests (and then I just started putting things directly into a donation box.) She was completely over indulgent (material wise) and was desperate to be important to my son. She way over did things. And she actually had all of his love. If it was his love she wanted, she didn't need to look for it, or buy it, or coerce it. She just had to accept it. And she didn't.
When he got older, and my younger son was born, OS began to fall out of favor. She started to create situations in which she could then "correct" him (showing him tons of toys and then chastising him for being greedy when he pointed out a bunch of things he liked. He was three or four at the time. Another time, he was upset I was leaving the house for a few minutes. NM "misheard" him say something negative to me and tried to reprimand him for that.). It seemed that he was being pushed out of NM's "heart" to make room for my "new and improved" source of NS for her, my younger son. You could almost see NM trying to find reasons to favor my younger son.
When she sent the first box, with extra stuff for my younger son, I talked about it with my OS and let it go. When it happened again, I addressed NM about it. She told me it "figured he'd keep track." As if it was my son's fault for noticing she was being unfair. She laughed it off.
It was so disturbing to me that she would slight one kid in order to make the other feel "special". Not only did it not make my younger son special, but it made him feel bad. It created a bad feeling around the situation. It should me that, in NM's warped brain, it order to "feel special" someone else has to feel "less special". Or not special at all.
NM kept chalking it up to feeling "badly" for my younger son. And just wanting him to have "special grandparent moments". Really, she just likes the NS from my younger son. He's still a toddler, still little, still squishy. My older son has started to develop that pesky individual personality that NM seems to loathe. The whole thing smacks of my childhood. Treating me less, in order to make my sister feel special. Offering me up things and then criticizing me for taking them. Favoring one of the other and creating jealousy and resentment. Not being fair, but always making the appearance of being fair. In NM's mind she IS being fair to my OS, because he "got stuff too" when he was YS's age. It doesn't occur to her, that at 5 years old, he should still expect to "get stuff too". That he shouldn't be denied, so that NM can pretend my YS is an only child.
NM, a few days ago, snuck in another dig. I'd told her a story (the ONE time I've talked to her on the phone in the last six months. And in trying to change the subject, I told her an endearing story about my YS). After the phone call, I got SIX more texts from NM (I had been pushing to get off the phone. She later said she was "sorry to get off the phone early" and so was continuing the conversation. In one text, she told me "your stepfather loves OS, but he has a real soft spot for YS." WTF!!!?! How am I suppose to take that, especially as his mother. She doesn't seem to understand (or maybe she does) that she's basically saying they like YS better. (And again, it would never be OK to favor one, but YS is favored purely because he's still little and not a threat to NM's fragile ego yet.)
Last night, NM started up again, trying to push for ideas for my YS's birthday. In our phone call the other day, she had been so negative, so bitter, so gossipy. She made some comment about how she "couldn't spend all her leisure time being a grandma" and so appreciated ideas for his birthday. I tried to remember that, in the end, this was about my son, so if I could offer up a few ideas, so be it. She then created drama by purposefully being vague about what she was getting (and since I had something similar or the same, I was trying to get out of her what she was getting). I was already annoyed when she emailed "Of course, I'm sure OS will get his nose out of joint about" YS getting the gift. She said she "felt bad" because YS doesn't get the same amount. She wished she "could have more one on one time" with YS. Again, she clearly doesn't get my point about being fair. I came unglued. I was so pissed off by this point. How dare she AGAIN criticize my son for situations that SHE is creating. I told her that she was unfair. That she was not being equal. I told her to knock it off.
I woke up this morning to a message that completely dogged the point. She somehow whined about "how much harder" it is to be fair as a grandmother than mother (REALLY?! Because I don't remember her being fair at all. And this was the NM who, just weeks ago, was lamenting all of the horrible things she did to drive a wedge between NSis and me. Unfairness would be up at the top of that list.) She blamed it on my stepsiblings being competitive and jealous and that she was "projecting" that on to us. But she "had to stop and tell myself that we don't do that." WE?! I'm at a loss here. She said that she "appreciated the feedback". Like I'm giving her directions on the job. And that she often doesn't know when she's "not being fair". Well, considering this is the fucking third or fourth conversation about it, you'd think she'd get it by now.
I'm so over it.
Reading this, I am very struck by the similarities and patterns between how you and your sister grew up and how your NM is now treating OS and YS. There are lots of really sad parallels. And, while I know that the relationship between parents and children is different from that between grandparents and children, I still can't help but think that she is hurting your children in emotional ways that may stick with them into adulthood, even with you there as a buffer/shield.
ReplyDeleteI know you're their first defense against her nonsense, and you are a good one (and certainly getting better at it) but I still have a hard time seeing how the good could possibly outweigh the bad here, in terms of how she is affecting the little guys. I think she's merely doing to them what she did to you and your NSIS and that the dynamic is not going to change. Even with you being your warrior self, she's still going to pull all of her crap, you know?
Question: Do you have a "list" of sorts as to the reasons why you're still trying to create/salvage a relationship between your NM and your kids? Obviously, your own relationship with your mother is a factor and I'm guessing that if you decided to end (either temporarily or permanently) your own relationship with your mother, then her relationship with the kids would be null and void. But I see you struggling so hard with how your NM treats your children, (and you're getting really good at calling her out on everything) but do you feel you can negate the damage she is doing to them and their fragile psyches, or might something more extreme be necessary? (I'm thinking NC because it's always hard for me to NOT think NC, and try as I might I can't come up with any alternative solutions).
ReplyDeleteI feel like allowing your NM in their lives at this point, especially while they are so young, is kind of a way of showing them to accept what she's dishing out. Even though they also see you fighting it (and I do think that in the future, they'll admire you in some way if/when they realize how hard you have fought to be healthy and to save them from the same fate) I still worry that she's going to hurt them. Your mother is like, mostly poison. Maybe there's a drop of lemonade in there somewhere, but mostly she's just a big cup of poison.
Hey, I'll just answer both of the responses right here. Yes, at this point, she is hurting my kids.
DeleteI don't think I think of it as NC versus contact. I've always felt that, when and if she started to behave in harmful ways, we would pull away. As it is, I've started to limit her contact with me (and the kids) more and more. She is on warning and she knows that.
In the past, even though she was overbearing and pushy with me with the kids, her relationship with my OS was not a bad one. She, actually, could be a very good grandmother at times. So, I kept monitoring (and hoping) that things would stay good. It was only after my son was born that I even learned about narcissism, so I've been working all this time on learning and becoming stronger too. That way, when and if, I needed to move further away from her, I could.
These new behaviors have only really popped up in the last six months or so (there was a hint here or there, but she has amped up her behavior recently). And I plan on doing everything in my power to protect my kids. If that means walking away, I will.
I do think that going NC is such a huge choice (and one you can't go back on) so I want to consider it carefully. Choosing to let go of a whole side of the family may be upsetting to my children in the future too. I want to be sure I'm making the best choices I can. I also do think that teaching our children to deal with narcs and people of the sort (because let's face it, we can't buffer them from narcs completely) is important. I was around my narc grandmother. And while, maybe once, she hurt my feelings, I can give credit to NM for always being honest and open about her mother. That took away my grandmother's power. It started to teach me that not everyone is kind and good hearted and helpful. My grandmother, while toxic, never had a chance to emotionally scar me, even though I saw her often (way more than my kids see NM). I'm not trying to be "wishful" thinking here towards NM. But I'm trying to be realistic and make sure I'm showing them, that at some levels, you can deal with a narc.
And if and when I can't, it if this progresses at all, then we will move out of her reach. I've already started laying groundwork with the kids: they are aware that what NM did was not OK. I've confronted her directly in front of the boys. I don't pretend that she is the world's greatest grandma and my OS, in particular, is becoming more and more aware of my feelings towards my mother. I want them to know when to walk away from toxicity, but I also want them to be able to confront and deal with the toxicity that will certainly come their way at some point in their lives. These freaks are all around us.
I don't know. It's all been a lot to take in recently. And do know that she only sees my kids 2-3 times a year. She wants to talk to them on the phone, and I won't let her. And the next "gifts" that come in, will be prescreened. So, step by step, I'll deal with this.
Thanks for your thoughts and support! I so appreciate being able to bounce ideas around with you.
You'll have to forgive me for my scattered thoughts (as I've had some unsettling other news today, my brain is fried). Anyway, I want you to know that NC is never off the table. I always liked Ruth's way of looking at it, that you have ever increasing fences around yourself and your family. And you just keep backing them up through the gates until you are safe.
DeleteThe one thing that is hardest for me with NC is that, if I did that, I'd have to pretty much remove all extended family from my kids' lives. No aunts, no cousins, no "extra" family. That is a huge thing to do to kids. With two narc grandmothers, it makes the situation very tricky. Of course, if I need to do that, I will, but I won't make that decision lightly. It's already bad enough to feel "orphaned" in a family, and I don't want my kids to have no idea where they came from.
I also have had less support from DH about distancing ourselves. He often felt it was something we could just deal with by being straightforward. He is learning, as I've confronted things and other situations have come to light (both with my family and his) that it is not that easy.
Nothing to forgive. I can understand your desire to try everything before ever going fully NC - I know you have a lot to lose in terms of relationships with other family members. No matter what you ultimately choose, your children are going to be far, far better off than you and your sister ever were as children for the simple fact that they have you and you are so aware of the dynamics and what is at stake. They have someone to protect them from your NM. You and NSIS did not.
DeleteN's always have a favorite and it will change depending on their mood... more particularly what they think they'll "get" out of it. I could do no right, and my younger brother could do no wrong. It took me years to figure out it was nothing about me at all. However, I still fight with the idea that I can't do anything right.
ReplyDeleteI do know this Judy. And I don't want my children to carry unnecessary burdens into life. I moved 600 miles away from NM to keep my kids out of "every day" life with her (well, I moved for me, but I stayed here knowing I couldn't have a family around her). If necessary, I'll move further. Thanks for your thoughts.
DeleteWow! I praise you for confronting her in front of your kids. I still have a hard time addressing my mom when she's inappropriate because of the "old rule" be respectful to the elders crap. Just because they are older does not mean they are wiser by any means. I'm glad I saw the "pre-screened" in your response. You do have control over that and if she sends too many gifts to one versus the other, you can make it fair if she didn't and you can call her out on it if she questions it. They are your kids but she will never respect that. Yesterday, I got a dig from my NM and I just let it go...it's taken me 2.5 years to do that and it was freeing! With mothers day around the corner, I too have not seen or spoken to my NSis in over 2 years. I'm trying to get a lunch together or trying to form an email to my NSis about getting a lunch together for my NM. I dread this day every year & the holidays as well. Not everyone has a great family to celebrate these occasions. Somehow I think I may regret it later that I didn't at least try to get us all together for my 85 year old mom's sake. She may be only around a few more years and I don't want to live in regret that I didn't at least try to bridge a gap even though I didn't create it. Always the bigger person even If they NEVER acknowledge it. Keep blogging! I love it!
ReplyDeleteGetting out of the grips of an NM is a long process (and made more complicated if you are trying to rush the process because you have children.) Confrontation has never been easy with NM. No matter how loving, kind, caring or with good intentions I approach her, she takes it as an attack. Confronting her in the past has not gone well for me. And I, like you, was told to never be disrespectful.
DeleteHowever, I've come to learn that you can BE respectful AND confront someone. And I was this time too. Not because she deserved the respect, but because I wanted to handle the situation with as much integrity, tact, and maturity as I can.
Yes, I've come to conclude I will need to prescreen. She has never done this before, so I was caught off guard. And the first "extra" gift, I could over look. Sometimes one kid will get something extra and then the other will get something (as long as it goes back and forth, I'm fine with that.) But, it's become a pattern. And after my OS was so doted on for so long, it caught me a bit off guard to see it happen so suddenly that she'd start favoring the other one.
I do think if you keep practicing dealing with your NM, you'll get better and better. Be careful that you don't confuse being the "bigger" person with continuing to care take and fix problems that are not yours to fix. If you really want to throw your mother a lunch, than go for it. But if you are doing it because of fear, guilt, or obligation, than I wouldn't do it. It is not your job to be the family "organizer", especially amongst an NSis you don't see and an NM (and really, do you think the lunch will go well? When you haven't seen your NSIS in 2 years?) Just my two cents, but celebrate your mother separately and don't worry about trying to create a fantasy lunch that will never measure up. And if you want to try and bridge that gap, do it at another time, not on Mother's Day. That sounds like something that will require more than just a lunch to sort out. And I don't believe any holiday or big event is a time to sort out complicated family relations. Good luck!
No, I don't think it will go well on mothers day. I'm not doing it out of obligation either. Like you said, my nmom does have some great qualities but they get overshadowed. She can be very thoughtful and extremely generous but it comes at a price. I don't think she does it to get credit. I really do think she wants to be generous but if it's not acknowledged some way, the comments or the "digs' come so maybe it's not genuine. For the most part, I think she thought she was trying to be fair with me and my sis growing up but the things you are experiencing with your children, did happen. then, I question if she was trying to be fair. I do want to celebrate my mom because I do feel badly for her. I hope never to have a legacy where my family is divided and it costs someone greatly. It's cost me a great deal and I do have compassion. Like your mom, my grandmas did the same thing and my mom paid the price. she tried to be a diligent daughter but it was never appreciated. My mom did a lot for my grandmother and her siblings.....to me way too much and she didn't get the credit she was deserved. However, it's not my battle...I can only do what's best for me and learn each day how to set clear boundaries....deep down, I think it will always hurt that we have to think one step ahead or question what we are doing. It's become my new way of life and it's still hard.
DeleteAnon, you sound so much like me from a few years ago. I see words like "I feel badly for my mom" and "I do think she wants to be generous but if it's not acknowledged some way, the comments or the "digs" come" sound so much like how I used to think and feel.
DeleteAny gift that is followed with a dig if it's not acknowledged (and in my case, it was acknowledged, just not in the way NM wanted.) is not a gift. My mother often expected love, obedience and eternal (ETERNAL) gratitude for everything she did for me. And why it's natural to want some level of acknowledgement for gifting someone, if there are always strings attached, that is not a true gift.
I used to feel badly for my mother too. And I used to think she didn't do things on purpose. It has been a hard lesson to realize otherwise. My mother is not a victim of her circumstances. She has made her choices. And while I'm sorry for the horrors of her childhood and difficulties she has faced, I realize now that many more of her "difficulties" are self created. I have tons of compassion and empathy for my mother, but I can't let that empathy cloud my judgment about protecting myself and my boundaries. It is not OK to hurt someone else because you were hurt yourself. And now, having my own children, I know that, although it can be hard to change old patterns, it is possible to do it differently. And my mom could have too. She could do it differently now. I could move on from a difficult childhood, but it is her continuing to hurt me, continuing her toxic behaviors and patterns, that have led me further and further from her.
Being the good daughter didn't fix her. Trying to understand her and be compassionate for her didn't fix her. Trying to talk with her, reason with her, and share my feelings with her didn't fix her. She has not been fixed, because she continues to stay in the rut of her behaviors. And even though she is not "all bad" or "all horrible", she is becoming less and less healthy for me to be around.
I so understand your struggle and how HARD it is. It is a long process to work through all of this. It is still very hard for me at times (but it is easier at times too; so there is hope! Before it was hard ALL the time.) Keep reading (blogs, articles, forums), keep working at it and be patient and kind with yourself. Take care.
Good input! I, too, find it harder & harder to be around her and all the others that behave the way they do. Two wrongs don't make it right. I think what i struggle with is they don't see or realize their dysfunction. If I choose not to be abused anymore, I'm the bad guy for calling them out on it. I understand how your mom and my mom both do not understand the errors of their ways and they keep repeating patterns and act as though they are victimized by us for finally not taking it anymore. I don't know if that makes sense but I "feel" that because they don't know better or lack empathy(something they cannot understand), they will always continue on with this mental, crazy making self centered ways. One thing I want ot ask you, does your mom have any close friends or friends at all? In my case, my mom would have friends come and go and we would never know why they left. I know why now but as a kid, it was hard to make sense of it. I recall this one call my mom seemed to think so much of and then suddenly our play dates ended, dinners at each others home stopped and my mom never "mingled" with her again. I've seen the same patterns in my sister too. I just don't recall a lot of my parents having friends. Anyway, thanks for the input. I have a lot to consider. My DH being the kind man that he is, wants to see us all come together even though he knows it won't be easy on any of us. This past Christmas I think he finally realized my NM & Nsis like to keep the drama going....I just don't see how he can't see that mothers day will be the same. I think also, a lot of your insight also comes from having children of your own, which I do not have. I am a step mom but that's not the same by any means. DH's ex is a narc as well and now it's just amazing to witness how his oldest is dealing with her mom. I'm like a fly on the wall to it and she sees now why her parents got divorced. She did not see it when she was younger but now she gets it which is good for me too. Anyway, I'm babbling. Thanks for the input.
DeleteI understand how you feel. It's hard to believe that they do these things on purpose. Or that they know better. But, in my experience (and see Ruth's comment below), they do. My NM is not horrible to me in public. She gets worse when we are alone, much worse. She is very secretive about her behaviors and they are very covert.
DeleteI remembered the first time I caught my NM enacting some revenge on me (this is a minor example, but will do the trick.) When I was in college, she had a horrible guest bed that was like a rock to sleep on. She always bugged me about how I slept (it was some pride to her that "in my mother's house" I should feel "safe" and "warm"). After her pushing and pushing, I told her the bed was quite hard. I was not rude, I didn't just say it, and even if I had, the bed was SO hard, that it was more than a fair assessment. I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings, but I'd rather have slept on the floor. I'm always gracious and thankful (and NM knows that) so she knows that if I said something, I wasn't trying to be mean. YEARS later (like 5-6) she stayed in my first home in my new guest room. I was SO proud of that room (it was the first I decorated). And although it had a mattress I'd been given (it had been slept on 3-4 times and belonged to a friend), it was a nice mattress. I had also outfitted it with a down pillow top mattress topper. Other people had stayed and told me it was a lovely bed. NM came out in the morning and immediately told me how hard it was with a smirk on her face. She had waited SIX years to get "even" with me for what she thought was a slight. My image of my mother changed forever in that moment (and other's like that that I would start to see).
What I'm saying is, although they lack empathy, for my mother, it's not out of her grasp (I also have a N-MIL too and she knows what empathy is). It's more that, for my NM, she doesn't WANT to have empathy. Empathy gets in the way of doing what she wants to do. And, like Ruth's mom below, she has enough empathy to know what will hurt me....so she knows enough empathy to know what will make me feel good too.
Having children was the catalyst for my changing and refusing to stand up for this anymore. I came across the term "narcissism" by chance (of God divined it, depending on what you believe). My insights come from a host of wonderful blogging friends, other bloggers who write about these issues, and lots and lots and lots of time studying this stuff. I didn't come by my insights naturally and have been fortunate to find good resources. Keep looking around, keep reading! You'll figure this out. And with a stepdaughter with a Nmom, you'll be an invaluable resource to her.
Crap. I got on a tangent and forgot your question. No, my mother has NO friends. NONE. Never really has. She had a friend through my father, but it wasn't like they hung out on their own. She has her sister, but their relationship is shaky at best (she also has two other siblings, but doesn't really have a relationship with them either, although she thinks she does). Her own mother was difficult, cold, and a narc in her own right. So, of course, NM didn't have a close relationship with her either. NM has some "work friends" (one man whom she called her "best friend" but it's not like they did anything outside of work). She has several stepdaughters but is either hot or cold with them (loves or hates them).
DeleteShe has my step father and sort of my sister, but really, her only "confidante" (read: crap dump, a place to dump all of her bitterness, gossip, and bitching). I am the only person who really does anything of substance for her or asks her to join us (not that I do that now. I used to be more accommodating.) Being the only person in her life like that had become exhausting. Especially when she'd turn around and tell me what an ungrateful, spoiled, selfish daughter I was. I would be doing all I could to include her and it was never enough. She was a black hole that never filled up. And she has no one or nothing else (few hobbies, no activities, no friends) to fill up her life. Drama, bitterness, chaos causing are all she has. She expects me, my kids, my sister, and her husband to "fill up" her life and give her purpose. And that's something we can't do.
Thanks again for responding. It helps more than you know. I totally believed God intervened in this for me too. I had just gotten laid off, my ego was busted and I have a nice meal (or what I thought was a nice meal) with my nm and as we are leaving the restaurant and she is walking BEHIND ME, she states she wants to pay for me to go to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. I lost it! We just shared a meal together and she brings up my weight????!!!! My weight, my hair, my clothes, my housekeeping etc have always been brought up with her but I think because I was in such a low place, I had had enough! I basically stated, Mom, I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you and basically the next 6 months became pure hell for me standing up for myself. I typed in "why is my mom so mean?" & Dr. McBrides website came up. I took the test and answered yes to almost all of the questions and the work began and is still going. I'm in a much better place now but I have my moments where I still struggle. I went to counseling too. I continue to read on line and books as well. Have you read "Box of Daughter". Excellent book! Now DH & I are on a new playing level with her and I think she knows it. I have no idea why my Nsis quit talking to me but I'm sure it's because of what I said to my mom. The old me would go running back and say "why do you like me?, what's wrong? why are you not talking to me?' but this time I chose not to address it. If she were mature, she would tell me what's wrong. I know she chose to make my statement to my mom her issue as well but it's not. It was between me and my mom and she needs to let us work it out. I think in some way my mom was happy my sister has quit talking to me like thinking they both are teaching me a lesson. I'm not taking it anymore and they both know it so our family stays divided. I still feel God gave me the gap in my work life to sort through things. I'm a totally different person than I was almost 3 years ago. I can't go back being that pathetic gal anymore being walked all over by family and friends. If I loose people along the way due to this change, it doesn't bother me anymore. They were not my friends anyway if they don't like the new me. Anyway, thanks for responding. I love seeing when a new post comes up from you! It's almost like Christmas!
DeleteI used to wonder why my mother couldn't see what problems her favoritism caused. She openly stated which were her favorite children in order of importance and then was genuinely confused as to why her daughters that were least favorite want nothing to do with her. I used to believe she just didn't realize what she was doing. Then I read on someone else's blog about a nasty little smile a narcisstic will get on their face just before sending a cruel zinger. I watched my mother do it to my sister. I saw the smile then zap. Then I became more aware and realized she would actually look around first to see that we were isolated or phrased things vaguely with the use of plenty of body language that left me in no doubt. You are becoming more and more aware. You are working at protecting your children from the brunt of her nastiness. Keeping you in my thoughts as we head towards one o the toughest days of the year.....Mother's day. Hugs to you and yours. Ruth
ReplyDeleteThanks Ruth. Blech, Mother's Day. NM already tried to guilt me into coming. NO thanks.
DeleteThat little smile is so hard to detect. And no one in their right mind would think to look for it. But it's there. By the way, I'm watching a TV series about a serial killer right now, and he gets the same little smile.
Anyway, in one of my recent email exchanges, Kara pointed out that my mother seemed almost amused. I told her it's not almost. She is flat outright amused at the chaos she creates. She thinks it's funny that us "mere mortals" could be so "easily" annoyed by the things she does.
Her final message to me after all of this yesterday was that "her words were misunderstood". And that it hurt HER that I would characterize her like I did. And under it all is a tone of annoyance and frustration that I challenged her and didn't fall for her bullshit. It's hard to see, but I've developed radar for her shit.
I'm sorry to hear the story about your mother. That's horrible that your mother would openly state it. But, I guess, at least you didn't have any delusions that she loved you equally. I'm sorry we are sisters in this experience. Hugs.
Saying it's "humor" gives them deniability. Yep, NM often says, "YOU misunderstood me." Ummm... no, I didn't. I also watched NM gleefully create confrontation and chaos between her children. She loves to see us fighting each other, then she rides in an settles the argument to her satisfaction and all is well. It's put a spoke in her game now that my sister and I won't play.
DeleteMy NM loves to ride in on her white horse to save the day. She loves to think of herself as wiser and more mature and "saving" us from ourselves. I think it pisses her off that she can't resolve this issue between me and my sister. There was a time, about 10 years ago, when I thought my sister was "waking up". I know she could see what my mother was doing. She knew it was not OK. She and I formed an "alliance" of a sort. An alliance to be honest with each other, not let mom interfere in our relationship. I had hope that once we broke out of that, we could have a real relationship. That my sister would grow up, get away from my mother's enmeshment. It didn't last. Despite all of that, NSis continued to think only of herself. Pretty soon I discovered she was lying to me and breaking my confidences to my mother. She started to call me up and yell at me for my problems with my mother and the "pain" I was causing NM. I knew then that we would probably never be able to be "on the same team". I'm so glad you and Ruth have each other. Even one ally makes a huge difference.
DeleteOMG Ruth! At a job a long time ago, budget cuts happened and my position was downgraded. As my manager was getting ready to drop the bomb on me, she got that nasty little smile you stated above! This manager never supported me, undermined my authority with my staff and I could tell enjoyed it. Now I understand why her 3 grown daughters are a mess! She was a narc too! thanks for sharing. All of these aha moments just keep coming!
DeleteGee, I think we have the same sister!
DeleteEwww...the shitty little smile. That's right up there in negative memories about my father.
ReplyDeleteThere is something so evil about a smile like that. To see someone get pleasure from other people's pain is messed up.
DeleteHi Jessie,
ReplyDeleteIt is awful how clearly her behaviors show favoritism and how she can't see how her actions are unfair to your children. But she then claims she wants feedback and to be fair.
You are handling each of her behaviors as they come up and setting limits as needed. I think that is often what I need to do with difficult people in my life. There is a root cause of the problem, they are either personality disordered, etc. but dealing with them means taking on each behavior as it comes up. And then setting the limits when it gets too far. We can't deal with the root cause - which is their skewed sense of reality - it is each behavior we need to address.
Your mother's behaviors with regard to favoritism ring familiar to me with DH's family. There is clear favoritism yet they seem to make sure that everyone knows that they play fair when it comes to parenting. It is like this big complex mechanism they've developed that somehow makes giving one son more than other not favoritism by negating and openly saying they are being fair. It wasn't fair - I notice it and DH's grade school friend and his own brother notice it. Your NM comment about your stepfather is an example of equally mentioning both sons but in an unfair way. xxTR
"Your NM comment about your stepfather is an example of equally mentioning both sons but in an unfair way. xxTR" That is a very good point. I think in her disordered mind, she thinks that is being FAIR.
DeleteAnd she clearly is not fair. I just can't believe either that she doesn't know. I think it is a tool of her's to get NS. If she creates a sense of competition, then it refocuses the attention back onto her: everyone is working to earn HER favor. And I think she ignores the person who is less in favor and only focuses on who she is favoring (like "feeling sorry" for my youngest losing his favorite toy and telling herself she is being nice to him. If my older son gets slighted in the process, it's HIS fault for being "petty", not her's for being unfair.)
You make a good point about dealing with behaviors as they come up instead of the underlying issue. I was thinking about this just this morning. There is no way to even begin to address her underlying issues. I can't help her in that way. So, I'm left dealing with her behaviors. Kara and I talk a lot about dealing with the behavior instead of worrying about intention. It takes too much work to constantly work out someone else's intention and often dampens the behavior and it's effects. Of course, I don't want to jump in and assume BAD intention either. But if her behaviors are causing problems, I need to deal with them directly and not worry about what she meant to do.
Thanks for your comments. XX
Your NM remarks sound a lot like MiL and FiL's to their son. So subtle but their actions show a clear preference for one over the other. And I think that is true, they truly believe they are being fair. I also think that is true that the competition makes it about them rather than a relationship between siblings.
DeleteI have a hard time with dealing with each behaviour. I have to remember what you and CZ wrote about - how they see a different reality. It isn't possible anymore when reasoning or giving constructive feedback seem to fall on dead ears. xx