Same is Ever

I think ACoNs have a sixth sense about when the narcs will circle.  Really, it's not a sixth sense, but an incredible ability to "feel" the storm coming before it hits.  Much like you can feel a thunderstorm coming before it arrives: the air changes, you can feel a "charge" in the wind, distant rumblings.  All the birds go quiet.   ACoNs have learned to pick up on these subtle clues and patterns.  Even if we don't fully realize it, we start to feel a sense of unease about things.

These last few months I've been really sorting through some deeper layers of feeling about my mother.  It was one thing to learn about narcissism and see the patterns, it was another to really feel my feelings about my relationship with my mother.  To get past the grief and  mourning and really have to acknowledge that she is who she is and will not change.  To fully see, without blinders, how willingly she puts me in harm's way to save herself.  How completely she disregards me as if I was completely invisible.  A specter, a ghost that she thinks she sees, but really has no ability to see me as a real person. 

Some of this has been triggered by events in my life and finally seeing how emotionally unavailable she is to me.  Some of it has been triggered by, finally, reading the McBride Book "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers."  (I know, why haven't I read it before?  Really, though, I think that it is more helpful now than it would've been if I'd read it first.)

Some of it has been triggered by my mother's behaviors.  She has been, not so subtly, referencing my sister over and over.  She brings her up in almost every conversation of length we have.  Not directly, but just casual, "oh, your sister talked to so and so."  Or including me in "group texts" that also include her.  Most recently, she sent me a picture of my sister's new couch.  Considering my sister and I have not spoken to each other in two years, this text was completely inappropriate in that context.   When I didn't respond, she sent another text, saying she'd "sent the wrong picture" of the couch.  What in the world did she expect me to say to that?

For those of you who don't know my back story (and you can go to the bottom and click the NSIS label to see posts pertaining to her, if you are interested in a more detailed version): my sister is  highly self-destructive, most-likely bipolar with narcissistic overtones, verbally abusive, irresponsible, reactive, and angry.  She is thoroughly enmeshed with my mother.  She lies, manipulates, and is extremely reactive.  Any attempts to really communicate with her are raged against, so true intimacy and connection are impossible.  I spent years and years trying to "help" her, only to be completely disregarded, upstaged, and ignored when it wasn't about her.  She has ignored (or created chaos) around the most important days of my life and nothing has every been about me with her.  I have been her support system and I am a "tool" to be used by her, a "resource".  My mother has always excused her and expected me to appease her despite my sister's escalating behaviors.   Because I have "turned out OK" (I don't act out on my emotions) my mother has always minimized and invalidated any feelings.  In any attempts I have had with my mother to address my issues with our relationship, she has gas lighted and twisted the conversation to make herself the victim.  My feelings and point of view have never truly been addressed or acknowledged by either of them. 

This all came to a head when my sister "announced" she had a very serious illness on FB, but then quickly deleted it.  Enough people saw it, that it got back to me, but my sister never told me directly (and "the illness" is still up for debate in regard to it's severity and if it existed at all.)  My sister finally "called me out" after two months for "not supporting" her during her time of need and it quickly dissolved into her screaming and raging at me (she'd been screaming and raging and lying to my father.)  I tried in successive emails to begin a discussion about how dysfunctional our relationship was.  She continued to rage, call me names, ignore my boundaries (only discussing by email), gas lighted, twisted, demeaned me, and then tried to "play pretend" and go on as usual (by asking my advice on a new bed she was buying -while taking money from my father to pay for her "bills" .)  I'd had enough and chose to not continue the discussion.  I was at a lose on how to proceed, as she doesn't seem to understand anything I say.  I haven't really heard from her in months, and that was only a text of "Merry Christmas".  She has sent random gifts to my kids (whom she sometimes acknowledges, sometimes doesn't and who she considers more of an extension of me than someone to have a relationship with), but only to one kid for his birthday and not the other.   All of this seemed like lame attempts to "pacify" me. 

NM and I have had a "cooling off" lately (mainly on my end) where I have remained detached in our communications.  I'm not ignoring her, but I'm not really actively pursuing a relationship.  After the situation yesterday (see previous post), I emailed her to figure out her schedule (and she again ignored that I was upset about something and blew me off, not that I expected her to do that.)  Last night, I got this message: (And I usually don't like to directly copy messages, but in this case, I don't think the true nature of the message can be conveyed without the direct text.  A few minor details have been concealed. My thoughts are in italics afterward. )


"Hey do you still have all those albums(records) from the 70's that your dad and I had."  The "old" me would've said just "yes" and left it at that.  But something in me told me that she was baiting me, and this time I decided to address that directly. And I actually couldn't remember if I had them.  NM gave me boxes of old shit of her and my dad's years ago to "store" that she did not "want in her house anymore.  This included all of the family photos of me and sister growing up. 

Me: "Did I have them? If I did, I still would have them. Why?"

NM: "Well stupid question on my part, of course you have them. Lol  (NSIS) has been buying old albums, and asked me if I had them still and if so she would like a few. Now that was not the best proper way to bring this up, but it is the best I know how. I don't remember what is in the inventory, except the good bad and the ugly.. I want that one, fits me. Lol. I think a (record title),  (band name) album was there too.. I told her I am sure they can be spit up between you two..I am trying to write this the best I can, it is just hard when my daughters are not in contact with each other and I am the root of the problem. Please don't blame (NSIS) for the decisions she made in her life that were made because of my wrong decisions"

So, first, it occurred to me how easily I would've "missed" this bait line before.  How she throws these things out there, hoping to snag me in a conversation and not just being upfront.  And she is clearly aware of that.

Some other thoughts:

Why not just say "Do you have those records?  If so, your sister wants some and can we divide them up."  Done and done.  But NOPE, she has to stir up drama and bring it back to our relationship.  To me, I bet she's been looking for this opening for a LONG time. 

Her continual "not the best way" business is annoying as hell.  Of course it's not the best way.  It's late at night, in a FB message, and not really relevant to what she wants to say.   And the "it's just hard when my daughters are not in contact" is clearly ALL ABOUT HER.   And then she says that she is the "root of the problem".  That's news to me.  She never takes responsibility.  And I don't think she really is now either.  If she wanted to take responsibility, or really discuss this, it wouldn't be tacked on to a fucking message about old records.  HOW is she the root of the problem?  Does she seem sorry?  NO.  It appears to me to be only a "victim" plea.

Then, she goes back into the same sort of bullshit, "don't blame NSIS, she knows not what she does."  This is the same story I've heard over and over and over.  Nothing is NSIS's fault.  Which is A LOT of the reason NSIS is in the situation she is in now.  NM has always infantilized her and never held her accountable.  And I'm supposed to just "excuse" that.  I might add that my sister is in her MID- THIRTIES.  Far too old to be blaming "mommy" for her problems.

And really, even if I accept that excuse, where does that leave me?  I see so much blame shifting here.  So much avoidance of responsibility.  Smoke and mirrors.  And triangulating. 

I thought, for one moment, that she was actually trying to make an attempt to change.  And that sort of sucked too.  After spending years trying to get past her, I wasn't keen on jumping back into that mess.

The whole message left me rolling my eyes.  This, in and of itself, was a huge step for me.  I felt mild annoyance, but not anger, not venom, not bitterness.  I felt clear headed and unemotionally charged when I typed up my response. 

Me: "(NSIS) has been a grown woman for a long time now, and any and all decisions she makes are by her own choices. We are not in contact now because she chooses to hurt me, disrespect me, and shows little consideration for me. Among other things. And it is a pattern that I have hoped would change as she grew up. It did not.

That being said, she is welcome to any and all of the records. I have told her before that I would give everything back to you and that you could then split it up. When you come down, you can grab them."

I was trying to be as "neutral" and "just the facts, ma'am" as I could.  I didn't want to JADE, but wanted to be clear about my position on my relationship with NSIS.  And frankly, I couldn't ignore the situation forever and stick my head in the sand.

NM replied:  "Awwww..., I didn't want this to go this way...and it is really not about me. They will be split..I really do thank you for storing them, and it was wrong for me to put that on you. I really do apologize. .. Not asking you to forgive just know I am truly sorry.."


Go which way?  WTF?  I can see, maybe how she might have read "anger" in my reply, but it is a bit of a stretch.  To me, she is "finding drama" in the message.  And subtly suggesting I'm being reactive.  And what did she expect me to say?  To just "soften" and let "go of my grudge" (which I think is how she views this.  That I'm just holding a grudge and that it can be all patched up with hugs and an apology.  This relationship has gone off the track for 30 years.  And it wasn't great to begin with. 

And apologize for WHAT?  Seriously, this is the lamest apology in the world if she is expecting it to make up for all the crap all these years.  And really,  I suspect she's apologizing for me storing her shit, and not for anything real.  "I'm not asking you to forgive...." Really?  I doubt that.  And "truly sorry" for WHAT? 

Then, she topped it off with this:

NM:  "(NSIS) has been getting help for her choices and life decisions this past year, and I pray she has the life ahead she truly wants. ..I can't judge her for her decisions, as I know as more come out her reactions and choices for her life in the past were due to my immature decisions and how she reacted were different then how you reacted. Not to say you ever went without hurt and hardship, you handled them different. and not to stay you don't still don't have pain...I am not excusing (NSIS) nor is she excusing her decisions because of what I did, I just know things would be different if I had not made stupid choices. I hurt every day to what I caused...and never ever wanted to hurt my daughters or their relationship with each other..I hope someday you reunite. Love you!"

OK, starting from the top of this: NM starts out immediately minimizing NSIS's behaviors and "balancing" them out by saying she is "getting help".  Getting help from who?  The last time she told me that NSIS was getting help, NSIS was just doing yoga.  And that was supposed to "help".  And from what I've seen (several crazy FB posts that were completely nuts) NSIS hasn't changed at all.  And even if she has, she has made NO attempts to actually work on our relationship.  And also, that is NSIS's place to reach out, NOT NM's.    "I can't judge..." I'm assuming that she is implying that I am judging NSIS.  Clearly, by choosing to step out of NSIS's narcissistic reach, I am being judgmental and bitter, according to NM.  "as more comes out....due to my immature decisions."  Immature?  WOW, that's a complete mischaracterization.  You've all read my childhood, was she just "immature"?  Again, sounds like excuses, just for NM this time.   And the whole sentence there is convoluted.  SHE won't judge and SHE knows the "real truth" and if I knew that "truth" (which she likes to withhold, but clearly likes to hint at.  NM likes to be "in the know".) I wouldn't be so horrible and "hold it against" NSIS (and again, she's ignoring the fact that NSIS continually and habitually does horrible things to me).    The next bit about how NSIS just "chose to react" differently and all she says about my pain and hardship feels completely minimizing to me.  Like "I know you had some bad times, but CLEARLY NSIS's were worse.  And so you need to get over it and help her."  It's all about NSIS's issues, and mine couldn't clearly be as bad, and aren't worth talking about and it's the same as it ever was.  This is the same. damn. pattern of our relationship that we've always had.  Jessie's feelings, pain, issues, hardships don't really count.  And while she "nods" in my direction, she doesn't really give a shit about what is really going on in my end of this situation.  It's ALL about NSIS.  NSIS is (finally) doing a teeny bit to get her life on track and I'm supposed to throw her a parade.  And because I never inflicted my "pain" on NM or NSIS, than clearly it wasn't that bad.  

And then NM again references "stupid choices".  She didn't make stupid choices.  She abandoned her kids, put her feelings first, ignored everything that was going on with us, inflicted emotional pain by forcing us to chose between "her feelings" and "not supporting her new marriage"- to the man she had an affair with, and has continued to make sure that EVERYTHING revolves around her.  This was one stupid choice 20 years ago.  This is a lifetime of being a selfish and self absorbed mother who can't empathize with her daughter to save her life.  She has done nothing to remedy things, has never truly taken responsibility, or attempted to heal herself or work on things.

And even though, clearly, her mothering effected my sister, it does not excuse the years of her treating me horribly as adults.  I tried and tried and tried to fix this relationship.  And nothing worked.  I tried to be OK with being completely marginalized, ignored, and verbally abused, manipulated, lied to and walking on eggshells.  And I left because, at some point, it became her or me.  So, yes, I can empathize with NSIS (and shouldn't NM be able to realize that?  That I GET IT that NSIS has issues?) but I won't tolerate being abused by her because of it. 

This last message left me tongue tied.  Several things came to mind.  And yes, part of me was angry.  All I see here is a pity-party for poor NM who was really just a "victim" in her mind.  How badly NM hurts.  How Nm feels.  What NM needs.  And a lot of excuses for NSIS.  A lot of asking me to completely brush my feelings and concerns under the rug and go back to the way it was (mainly for NM's sake, not for our own sakes.)    I drafted several responses, but they clearly were reactive and I didn't want that.  I wanted to respond in a way that made sure she knows that this sort of weak attempt at apologizing (and manipulating me) is not going to work.  And that she knows her offering up an apology for my sister's shitty relationship with me is not acceptable.  It is neither appropriate or OK.  It is complete triangulation and an attempt to control the adult relationships of her daughters.  And it's none of her business. 

On a positive note, even though I am bothered by this email, I have not been leveled by it.  I feel myself responding instead of just reacting to her behavior.  I don't feel particularly hurt, although I am angry and annoyed (both feelings I allowed myself to feel and am trying to process and let go).  Although there is lots of "pretenses" of caring her on my mother's part, I don't see any real change. This is how the relationship with my mother and sister had been all along.  And NM is just working at being "peace" broker for her own needs (to feel good about herself, she loves to "rescue" and to make herself feel better about her "stupid choices").  She needs to learn to butt the fuck out.   I did not feel sucked into her bullshit, although I did feel a moment of panic that she was trying to attempt a real relationship (that fear immediately went away after I read the whole exchange.  There is no real effort on her part.) 

I feel saddened by all of this, but not defeated (like I would have).  But I do need advice on what to say next.  I don't want to JADE.  I don't want to explain.  And I want her to butt the hell out.  Any suggestions or thoughts?  Anything is appreciated.