Please see my previous post for the background to this post.
I got up the courage to tell my father that it wouldn't work for him to come the week he had chosen. I didn't tell him in person. I was too chicken for that. So, I emailed. And when I didn't get a response, I left a voice mail. Not exactly shining bravery, but I knew if he talked to me, I'd cave. But I was honest, and straightforward and blunt.
I waited two days for a response. Those hours were miserable, expecting the worse and not sleeping and butterflies in my stomach. Finally, I got a response. And of all the things I had expected, I didn't expect this. He just said, OK, but then he wasn't coming at all. It didn't matter we had spent weeks trying to set up dates. It didn't matter he had strung it out for weeks, holding things up until he could check his calendar and went out of town. Didn't matter that he'd asked for numerous weeks and that this was the only week we couldn't have him visit. He just refused to come if it couldn't be this week. That was it. He had plans in September, when I extended the offer, so that was out too.
To say I was hurt is putting it mildly. I was hurt and angry. I felt like it was all a lot of planning for nothing. I wondered why the hell he didn't bother to check his schedule before we got into a weeks long email chain of planning. My heart broke for my kids. That their grandfather couldn't put more effort into seeing them. That they were that low of a priority. That it all seemed so "Last minute". That my kids have six grandparents, and they'd be lucky to put a good one together using pieces from all six.
I heard from my stepmom the next night, which was a shock. She said she had heard the voice mail and had gotten on my dad's computer and read the email chain (which even unde good intention, and obviously not hiding it, creeped me out that there obviously is no privacy with my father). She said she was going to work on dad. Going to try and figure something out. Felt it was important to come visit. I guess that's something for her (considering she can be horrible to me, see my Narcissitic triple crown post). She also said she's been bugging dad for months to plan something but that he says he doesn't like to plant. Well, if I felt any guilt at all, that erased it. If he can't make any effort, if he expects me to rop everything for him, then so be it. But I won't be bullied and strong armed. And even though my heart aches for myself and my kids, it is his loss. He is missing their babyhood, their cuteness, their fun way of talking. If we are nothing more than last minute plans, too bad for him.
You don't need people like him in your life. They're going to drag you down.
ReplyDeleteJessie. This is what they do. Think back on other times like this and remember who gave and who took. I bet you will come to realize that it was always like this but you bent yourself around him and his plans. For once you couldn't and you finally can see the true nature of the person you are dealing with.
ReplyDeleteThis is nothing new. This is just the first time it has been so clearly defined for you.
His lackadaisical approach and his ability to write you off at a moments notice.
Get used to it.
The only time these things come to fruition is when you do all the work and all the accommodating.
I needed a ride to the airport one time. I bugged all my friends and none of them could do it. So much to my dismay I had to ask my mother.
She sounded like I asked for a kidney.
This was early on in transitioning into an adult.
Now I just call a cab.
This is Dallas and the distance can really rack up a fare. But I don't need the aggravation.
I finally understood that even though her day was nothing but watching TV she wouldn't muster the effort to make an hours time for me.
I never asked her nor any one else for a ride since.
THanks Q, He does right be off at a moments notice. I knew better. But I've always given in before. And he was my "best" relative in my FOO, so it was another blow.
DeleteAnd I totally understand what you mean when you say you don't ask any one for a ride. Isn't it sad that part of the narc legacy that we feel we must be completely independant. That we can't ever ask anyone for anything as they will require so much in "repayment" for any favor we might ask. Even if there are people out there who are not like that, we worry about taking the risk as we've been burned too many times.
I never ask anybody for anything ever for the same reasons. Makes you feel like you'd be held for ransom forever. We used to give my sister rides to the airport all the time (and paid for the car park too -she never offered) but we never asked her for rides. One time we asked her to pick us up from the train station (which is less than a ten minutes drive) well, like Doug said, you'd think we'd asked for a kidney, even though she was also at home watching TV and had no plans for the evening.
DeleteFirst, there is nothing cowardly in how you approached your father. You were protecting yourself. That is a positive.
ReplyDeleteSecond, be very very wary of the step mother and her motivations. Just my gut reaction given that you've said she's not typically nice.
Third, I agree with Q -- that your dad rejected any visit when you didn't give in to his unreasonable option is not a surprise move. It is designed to make you feel bereft and wrong. I don't think it was an accident he picked times that wouldn't work for you. He was designing a shitty test. You may not realize it, but you won.
You know, it might not be an accident and something tells me he might also be relieved that he doesn't have to come. I think he felt an obligation and would like to see his grandkids, but really didn't want to make the trip. I think too that this was when he was expected to have houseguests and had hoped that he could "get away" from them at our house.
DeleteAnd yes, stepmom is very controlling, bossy, and manipulating. I don't trust her at all. She has a long history of meddling, it just happened that her meddling coincided with my best interest at the moment. But she is always sticking her nose were it doesnt't belong, controlling what everyone does, demanding that everyone do things her way. She is always pleasant enough, but is SO overbearing and controlling, that she negates any pleasantry.
Ug. This is how it works. They tell you, "We want it this way." And you say, "That won't work for me. You can have x or y." They fight you, give you the cold shoulder, see if you'll cave. They get your messages and ignore them. When they finally answer you, the response is, "Fuck you then, we're not doing it at all." They want you to cave, to go out of your way for them. That's abuse. And a whole lot of nonsense. Reminds me of EFIL and L.
ReplyDeleteAlso, be aware, it sounds like your stepmother is triangulating. "She said she was going to work on dad. Going to try and figure something out. Felt it was important to come visit." Don't give her the benefit of the doubt, she's playing a game. My guess is, she's just as much behind this nonsense as he is.
Thanks Josi for the support. Yes, it is right from the narcissistic playbook. Sad thing is, my father is my "closest" family relative. Although he is selfish and can be very mean, he just has a lot of narcissistic traits and isn't always narcissistic. But if his mood is right, he can be very much so. He can be harsh and self centered.
DeleteI don't trust my stepmom farther than I can throw her (which would be no easy feat). She has also been very cruel and she is very controlling and narcissistic. She has to have her fingers in every pie, in everything. It really bothered me that she read our emails, but it bothered me more that she obviously thinks nothing wrong with that. She believes she has a right to be involved in everything. The only benefit, is that she does try to encourage my dad to come and visit more. She atleast sees some value in it. But, in the end, I really struggle with her and she makes visits VERY difficult. She is on top of me for everything....every frickin little thing she has an opinion on everything. She is very bossy and treats us like ignorant children in need of her guidance. And she knows best about EVERYTHING. And she is all about triangulating and control.
Jessie, this is not about his schedule. This is about power and his assertion of his will, plain and simple. Please do not feel hurt or bad. Understand, he has shown his cards. He has given you a tool with which to understand what you are dealing with. The visit is not about love for him. It is about power, and keeping you in your place. So now you know that, and you can add that knowledge to your arsenal. There are things these Narcs do that are "tells": with each nasty letter, with each irrational response, with each refusal, they reveal more about themselves. It's not about you, it's about him, his ego, and his tenuous grip on his power.
ReplyDeleteTHanks CS, Yes, this situation has taught me a lot. I feel a lot stronger for it.
DeleteI don't think you were a chicken, I think you were really brave. Only we know how hard it is to say no, because our no had been disabled by our parents when we were children. I am so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI also thought your step-mum's actions are a massive red flag. She's willing to make your father look bad to you so that she can look like the caring one, ugh, she reminded me of Scar in "The Lion King". Not to be trusted. That's narcs for you, always willing to sell anyone down the river so that they can look good themselves.
Thanks Kara. It was extremely emotional for me, and I'm glad I have you all for support and validation. I guess one step at a time and I'll soon be able to confront him face to face.
DeleteLuckily, with my stepmom, she is easy to see for what she is. She doesn't hide it at all, and actually thinks her meddeling and bossiness is for our own good. And she often makes my dad look like a bad guy. She is actually awful to him a lot, treating him like a child and belittling him. But, he is no picnic either. Luckily for me, she has never held any power of me and has burned too many bridges for me to care.