I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. As liberating as this all is, as freeing as it is to think I'm changing, moving past it, finally healing, it is also overwhelming to deal with the grief, the sadness, the realization that we really are alone. Things will not get better. DH and I are not ever going to have that family support we so desperately hoped for. It is overwhelming to think of all the work ahead. To realize how many of our friendships took advantage of our preconditioned natures.
DH and I have come so far. We have grown closer in the past few months than we ever have. He is willing and eager to listen and hear me. While he may not always agree, he considers and validates me. But it is such a long road I see stretched out. Such a long road of recovery, redefining life, setting out on our own.
And in the midst of all this, life goes on. Laundry piles up as I write posts. My kids entertain themselves more than I'd like them to as I try to sort through this all. The house is a wreck. I am trying to let go of my perfectionism, but some days, I want to drag everything out on the lawn, burn it all, pack up me and my family and start over. Live more simply. We finally have the "home" I've longed for and worked for and needed, but sometimes the weight of it is too much. DH hates his job and I know he shoulders more than his share of the burdens of that, protecting me from the stress he is feeling. Knowing that, at the moment, I just can't carry anymore. But I hurt for him, and feel for him, and worry for him.
I walked through Target today, tears playing in my eyes. Stupid tears as I looked at clothes and diapers and just felt so adrift. Felt so lonely. Wished so desperately that we had ANY family that could surround us without expecting something in return, or using our rough patch to make themselves feel better, or gossip about us behind our back. That we could trust and lean on someone. To know that the friends I see dropping by the wayside, who would never even think about asking how WE are doing, aren't all we had hoped they would be. Trying to be strong, carry my kids, find the way to soldier on, heal on the run, as I grieve, and feel loss, and feel lonely, and feel tired.