The last three times my dad has visited have been the three of the most stressful times of my life. My kids were born and my husband and I had just moved into our newly built (and still under construction technically) home. It was difficult. I was stressed. I was functioning at less than prime, under three hours sleep most nights, without a proper "home" at one point. But, when they wanted to come, I grinned and bared it. I did what I needed to do. I tolerated there little comments about how I was anxious and uptight. Yes, I was uptight and anxious....and stressed, and tired, and overwhelmed. But I was trying.
So, this year, dear old dad announced last minute that they wanted to come. I thought, well, OK, but it will be on my terms. He asked for dates. I gave him very concrete dates to come visit. We emailed for three weeks. He delayed responding saying he would check his calendar and had some work out of town and would get back to me. I replied that I would need to commit to plans we had made. (And for the record, DH had been holding out committing. He has sacrificed so many times to accommodate my father whom we only see once a year or so. But he wanted to commit to these plans and I couldn't keep him waiting.) Dad replied he'd already marked this weekend off. We had marked off most of the weekend before due to house guests.
I got an email today that they were planning on coming from Monday through Thurday BETWEEN these weekends. Two very busy weekends. The only damn weekends we really had plans. I was devastated. I felt unheard. I shook knowing that there would either have to be me submitting to them or to the inevitable confrontation of saying no. But hell, the one fricking week we couldn't accommodate and they pick that week. All the damn emails and time tables and they pick that week. I was angry and hurt and floored and stressed. My initial email pussyfooted the issue. Hemmed and hawed and hinted that this would not really work. Explained that I had committed to tons of other stuff that week. Then I talked to DH and summoned my courage. I saw the look on his face. Knew that this was uncomfortable for him. I emailed my dad again. I told him that he needed to pick another week. Told him that of all the weeks, this was horrible. (And I won't even go into the fact that coming during the week sucks. That DH can't take time off. That squishing in between our vacation and other house guests is stressful for me and, frankly, a bit rude.) I had offered, and offered again any other weeks. Dad replied to my FIRST email, detailing the M-TH crap and saying they'd go along with all our prearranged plans (ha!). I resent my second email and restated it was a bad week.
And now I sit. Pit in my stomach. Anxious and stressed. Family shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be worried to tell someone no. Or ask them to work around me and my family a bit. They have little to nothing going on and should be able to make other arrangements. They should've planned further in advance than two weeks. They could've worked this out in less than a month. I feel like I've been going round and round it for a month. I'm tired. And sad. And pissed. And scared. I shouldn't be afraid of my dad. And he's not even one of the "true narcs" in my life.
The only thing I can think to say is : "fuck him".
ReplyDeleteDunno if that's helpful, but it's what my gut says.
Hugs.
He's your dad. He should be watching out for YOU.
ReplyDeleteJessie--I'm going to do something I have not yet done in a comment to anyone. Give stark advice. I'm leapfrogging ahead fifteen years for you--this is what you will do fifteen years from now. Trust me, if you keep up the work you're doing in the blog, you'll be doing it in ten even. So save yourself the grief and do it this time. Send one more email giving them the option of two particular weekends. Let them know these are the only two options that work for you. NO EXPLAINING. You have kids, a husband, work, friends, a life. You don't need to explain anything. I have been where you are. Still fight the urge to be answerable to my need for my own life. Please please do yourself a favor and don't explain. And your father cannot hurt you any more than you let him. No more fear of having some boundaries around your own life.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. VR=that was my first response too. I felt that he was did whatever the hell he wanted with no regard to me at all.
ReplyDeleteLisa-you are right. But he isn't that kind of Dad. Never has been, never will be.
CS-I was up all night over this. I am DETERMINED today to put a stop to this. I will repeat the options I gave him before and repeat that this week is not an option. Thanks for your advice. It shores up my determination.
I totally agree with Caliban. I had to do this with my dad. I read a book on assertiveness training and you just keep repeating yourself. Word for word. That's the only two weekends that work. No explaining. No defending. Just keep repeating. It's called the broken record technique. I'm 53 and should have done this 30 years ago. So as Caliban says, just save yourself some time. Narcs love to make last minute arrangements that scupper or encroach on your plans. They change arrangements at the last minute. They refuse to listen or to understand, about your own routine and the need you have to maintain that.Even if it didn't make you tired, to have them midweek,it's not very convenient, is it? It's taking away from you your 'chill and catch up with household tasks' time after one visit, and also your prep time for your next visitors. It's devaluing and denying your life as an independent person with friends. Narcs are so possessive. They also expect you to jump as soon as they call or make plans to visit. As if you merely twiddle your thumbs until they deign to visit. They see giving in to your routine, even one inch, as a weakness. And of course, you are not entitled to be given such respect. It's the grown up equivalent of them barging into your room when you were little, giving your stuff away without asking, making you wear what they want you to wear.... etc.It makes them feel at the centre of power. Remember,YOU are the boss of your own house. YOU decide who stays there, when and on what terms. Now, your foot is well and truly down, don't give it cramp. Stick to it. It will pay off big time. Each time after that it will take less and less effort to assert your boundaries. Good luck and don't waste sleep over them. xx
ReplyDeleteUgh, thanks Pitstop. I needed the pep talk (and I could've used it last night as I layed wide awake in bed!). I'm sitting here putting off checking my email, afraid of the response I'm going to get to my "no" phone call today.
DeleteBut you are right. It is like he thinks I just sit here twiddling my thumbs waiting to be graced with his presence...I've often described it this way. There is little thought (or no thought) to my end of the deal. And now that DH and I have two young kids, it is just not an option to be more "flexible". Yes, a middle of the week visit is inconvenient. And there is no thought to the work that goes into not only their visit, but my other visitors and trip out of town. No thought that all that commotion is too much for an a little baby. No consideration that he had ANY other week to pick, but had to pick that one. I'm sure it had to do with what was convenient to his and his wife's schedule.
Funny thing is, although he's always been selfish and self-centered, he usually is at the height of proper manners. Always trying to be considerate of others. I'm not sure what has happened lately with us.
Anyway, thanks for the luck. I have a feeling I'm going to need it.