I've tried to tell my story to friends on many occasions. I've tried to explain to others the effects NMIL and NM have had on me through the years. When people question why I don't leave my kids with the grandparents more, or imply how wonderful it has that I have "such a loving family", to the one's who matter to me, I've tried to explain that it isn't all it looks like.
And the phrase I've gotten more than anything is: "You just need to learn to accept them for who they are." Get over it. Let it go. Accept it and move on. You can't change them. And on and on. Learn to accept them for who they are.
I've always hated that phrase. It always implied fault on my part. It always made me feel shameful and blamed. It made me feel I had a character flaw, a negativity. I always hated how dismissive it was and overly simplistic. Like if I just got over myself, then it would all be OK. And maybe for some people, this is the key. That they do need to learn to let some things go. But I have found "accepting" narcissists for who they are only made things worse, allowed them to get at my vulnerabilities.
I believe it made things worse because I didn't understand what "accepting" someone for who they are really meant. Yes, I did need to accept (and grieve for) people as they are. I needed to understand that it was not my job to change them. It is not my responsibility to lift them up to a higher level of living. It is not my job to determine their reality and hold their hand through creating a relationship with me. I needed to accept that if they are going to be assholes, that is their choice not mine.
What I DON"T have to accept is their behavior towards me. They may be assholes, but they are going to do it long distance (to paraphrase a TV doctor). I can't change them, but I can change how I react and respond to their behavior. I do not have to accept their abuse. I do not have to tolerate boundary violations. I have the right to protect myself, be myself, and stand up for myself. I have the right to determine where my boundaries are and the consequences of violating them. I can not change the narcs but I can change the choices I make in response to their behavior. I don't have to "get over it" and "let it go" when someone repeatedly runs me over, refuses to acknowledge they ran me over, and then puts the car in reverse to back over me again. I have the right to move out of their path.
And accepting them (and their choices) does not mean that I like them, like what they do, or condone their behavior in any way. It does not mean I respect them, only their right to choose to be who they want to be. And if that is a jerk, I respect myself enough to get out of their way. I have to accept my limitations in the lives of others. And while I hope that I may influence them, that something I say may be considered by them in their behavior towards me in the future, I can not change them.
So, I'm going to try to stand tall in my conviction that accepting someone does not mean putting up with all their crap. That I don't have to feel guilty or badly if I choose to remove myself from situations that are toxic and abusive. That the next time someone tells me that I need to accept someone, I will feel confident in telling them I have accepted them. And that's why I have the distant, self-protecting, relationship I have with them.
Good post!
ReplyDeleteHi Jessie,
ReplyDeleteLike you, I began exploring my discomforts with my NP when I was in my late twenties/early thirties, in therapy. Reading the book "The Dance of Anger," and Alice Miller's "Drama of the Gifted Child" gave me starting vocabularies. It still took me decades to come to the certain knowledge that both my parents are narcissists, my mother a malignant one. I knew it cognitively but kept getting pressure, from rest of FOO, from culture, from my own parental introjects (the Avatars, I call them) to "unknow" what I knew. It's only been about six years that I've come to believe in my deepest heart what I've cognitively known for decades. NP and their enablers are that crazy-making. I would give you one piece of advice: ALWAYS trust your own perceptions and instincts. They'll do everything they can over the years to convince you your perceptions are faulty. It takes great strength to not buckle to that. Expect it, and know that they'll pretend to change many times and will always to back to what they have always been. Trust that, know it, act on it. I wish I had done so many years earlier. Cal's Sis
Argh, this is just the sort of abuser horsesh1t my NFOO says. Or the variation of "that's just how he/she is". It's a HUGE hot button for me, because yes, the whole point is to place the blame back on you, the target. The problem isn't their toxic behaviour, the problem is your inflexibility, close-mindedness, stubbornness. The problem is YOU. I'll bet they never excuse even ONE thing you do with the same rationalization, do they?
ReplyDeleteStay strong!
pinkpearl