Why I am not going No Contact

First, and foremost, I feel No Contact is not only a valid and understandable choice, but one that many ACoNs are forced into.  It's not something they would've chosen.  It's not what they would've wanted for their life.  I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who would willing choose to not have a family.  I believe everyone has to do what they feel is best for them and they have the right to.

With that said, I also don't feel No Contact is off the table.  With much of my own family, I have limited contact as it is, so it is not really an issue.  With NSis, she calls rarely, visits even less rarely and I can control how and when I see her and for what amount of time.  NM is a different story, but I have been slowly putting up the boundaries.

And I think that is the crux.  I have been working my way toward this point of healing for a long time in my life.  Going on for over a decade.  For many of those years, I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I couldn't understand why all my efforts changed nothing.  Why, no matter what I did, it often got worse instead of better.  I tried the "change yourself, find what you need to be responsible for" approach in the relationship.  I worked on healing myself, finding myself, growing myself.  I let things go, I stood up for my rights.  Nothing changed.  And the horrible, anxiety-laden, pit in my stomach feeling never went away.  And I knew that something, whatever it was, was very, very wrong.  I searched for answers in many places.  I tried to explain things in many ways.  But it never got better.

I feel that all of this work was important for me to be able to accept (and be able to do something about) the answer when I did find it.  I am not a religious person but I am very spiritual.  And I believe we are led to things, guided, if you will.  We are moving of our own free choice, but hints and help is hidden along the way for us to find.  And when I was ready, I stumbled across "Narcissism".  It is ironic really, considering my education and career choice, that I hadn't found it before.  That I didn't know anything about it.  But then, with one random click (in relation to it being removed from the DSM-IV) out of curiosity, I found what I'd been looking for.  And I was ready.  Ready to do something about it.  Ready to use the information I had to change myself, my life.

But that was only a few months ago.  So, my journey into learning about narcissism and learning to cope with it is new.  I've spent many of these last few weeks hunkered down, preparing myself, healing myself, grieving.  I am preparing to use what I have learned.  But, the truth is, I have not set down appropriate boundaries with my family or in-laws in the past.  I have reacted to them with private anger, instead of calmly standing up for myself.  I do not feel that I have done everything I can to establish the type of relationship that I will feel comfortable in.  So, as of now, I need to invest in that.  I need to know that I tried.  That I provided opportunities for the narcs in my life to be respectful.  If they can do that, than we will maintain a relationship.  If they can not, then the relationship will be altered to protect my and my family, whether that be low contact or no contact.  In the end, to feel good about the choices I've made, I need to be responsible for being clear and definite about what I expect and offer them the chance to adapt.

And regardless, I believe in letting it go, in grieving the loss of the family I had hoped for (not in some superficial, "they are not the family of my ideal" way, but just a family who is supportive and loving, warts and all).  While my NM may still hurt me, I'm learning to let her go.  To remove myself from her web of control and live my own life.  To make decisions on what is best for me, not what she wants me to do.  Maybe I'm being naive.  Maybe it won't work.  Maybe she will still tear me down.  But I have to see all the outcomes.

And with the in-laws, no contact is not an option.  DH has agreed to setting boundaries.  We have agreed that their will be consequences to controlling or abusive behavior.  We are determined to make our family a priority.  We are determined to make things different for our kids.  But he is not willing (nor have I asked) to separate from his family.  And in reality, there is a huge part of his extended family that are important to him.  His family means a lot to him and I would not expect him to throw all of them away due to his NM.   If we can figure out how to structure a relationship with her, and ignore attacks she send through her peons, I think we can do this.  We are going to have to try.  Because, at this point, that is the only option.