Stalled

Cal's Sis checked in on me today.  I can't tell you what that meant to me.  For someone, even if it is from blogger-land, to reach out and want to know if I'm OK.  Do you know how rarely that happens in my life?  I mean, in the "general" times when people are supposed to call, they mostly do.  But for someone to reach out, just out of nowhere meant a lot to me.

I have been stalled.  Or paralyzed.  Just stuck.  These last few weeks have been hard.  I laugh at myself from earlier in the summer.  Truly not believing that things might have changed.  That there was peace on the horizon for me.  Maybe the relationships would never be what I wanted, but I thought I could live with what I was left with and come out on the other side.  But I knew.  I knew deep down that something was coming. That it was a calm before the storm.  That it was only a matter of time before the shit hit the fan again. Sometimes I feel paranoid.  I've been told that I am always looking for trouble.  That I'm always anticipating bad things with little reason to.  But the thing is, that's life for an ACoN.  Living life on red alert.  It's not paranoia.  Because these damn things DO keep happening.  There is always crazy being lobbed at me.  It happens like a broken record playing over and over.  It's almost to such regularity that I can predict it.

What I didn't expect was that it was going to be war on all fronts.  That I would be like a narcissistic-zombie apocalypse of shit.  You know, like in the scene of the movie where the girl is running up to the old abandoned house.  Alone, isolated, and with a minimum of resources.  And the zombies are dragging them selves up the hill to the house, ringing her in from every angle.  Closing in with suffocating relentlessness.

So, to start with, I've had to people die within the last few weeks.  One a family member I loved and the other a family member of a very close friend.  Both were so sad.  Both got me thinking about life and family in very different ways.  I found out my son might need surgery (somewhat routine, but still a bit scary), attended a wedding, went on vacation, attend a funeral, and traveled twice with my young kids a significant distance by myself.  Back-to-school, a nasty throwing-up cold with my kids, and dentist and doctors appointments for two young kids.  I've had very little time to process anything and I've been exhausted by trying to deal with life on top of all the other crap.

You'll remember that my BIL and SIL were complete asses at my son's party (see "So, How did it Go?").  This is not unusual for them.  They are self-absorbed and spoiled and thoughtless.  It didn't seem to bother them that they were causing obscene amounts of drama.  DH and I wondered if we had upset them.  Two days later we all were at a family get together.  DH and I wondered if they would bring up whatever the hell they were so upset with us for.  But they said nothing.  They acted like nothing was unusual with DH.  They were friendly and talkative.  But they ignored me.  No hellos.  No goodbyes.  No, hey, how's it going.  Completely ignored me.  It's been that way for the next two weeks.  No communication.  No talking.  BIL hates confrontation and it was clear he was hoping that by ignoring me, it would all blow over.  That he would just push it all under the rug.  Like we've always done.  Whenever someone acts like an ass, we just ignore it, move on and never speak of it again.  It frustrated me.  I couldn't help but see the hypocrisy as my BIL (a minister) spoke at one of the funerals about "family" and "memories" and "good times".  I finally approaced my BIL at another family even a week later.  He was nervous and treated me like I was a great-aunt.  In a distance, general small talk way.  It pissed me off.  It added tension to situations that didn't need, and shouldn't have been that way.  It confirmed to me that any delusion of "family" with my in-laws was just that, a delusion.  The relationship with these people has eroded and eroded the last few years and I can see that it has little hope of coming around.

My sister, with the cancer, has not contacted me at all.  I continue to get "updates" from NM, but even she admits that she is "still learning" new information about it all.   She gives the impression that NSis is not being fully up front.  She updates me daily, but she also lets it slip that NSis is hardly talking to her at all.  NSis has removed all ways of communicating with her except by phone.  I did try once to call.  I tried to think about what I felt I needed to do, outside of her behavior.  She didn't deserve a call.  She hasn't acknowledged anything in my life lately.  She is sitting waiting for me to beg her for information, to be her complete sounding board, to spend hours hanging on every sob.  She wants all of my attention, time, and devotion.  She's waiting for me to prove to her she's important.  But she hasn't called, or told me actually what in the hell her diagnosis is.  She won't communicate with me (or anyone).  I hear tale that, after publicly outing herself, she's sick of all the people trying to comfort her.  But I was trying to choose a behavior based on what I felt was right, not on who the recipient would be.  So, I called her.  No surprise she didn't answer.  Or call back.  So, I'm still in the dark.  I vacillate between sadness, apathy, and anger with the situation.

NM made excuses for NSis not calling.  Her phone was off, she never saw the calls, she's tired, she's worn out, life's rough.  You know the drill.  Even when I explained that I left a message, so claiming ignorance wasn't going to work for me.  And for the record, I don't even know if NSis came up with these excuses or NM is just making them up for her.

NM has been in a tizzy.  Another bout of medical issues has befallen her.  I've been getting paragraphs-long emails describing the "horrible" details of her and several family members medical maladies.  It is exhausting.   Plus, she's supposed to help me out with something in the next few weeks.  She begged me to let her help me.  We had made firm plans.  Now, when I asked her about this favor, she's chosen to ignore me emails.  The lady who emails me twice a day at times, suddenly has "lost my number".   More fucking games.  I'm she's trying to teach me a lesson.  Trying to get me to see how she feels when I don't get back to her right away.  Trying to let me swing in the wind awhile.  Maintaining her power and feelings of control and revenge.  Drawing it out, so she can suck ever last morsel from the drama.  I'm ready to call her out on it but I wanted to see how long she'd play her little game.   I know she's seen my message, as I've seen her on social networking sites since.  And I'm guessing that in the end, she'll back out of helping me.  Claiming that she may need to be there for NSis or that someone else will need her or that she can't take any more on right now.  Whatever.  It makes me angry.  That she would play such fucking games.  That, knowing that this is an important favor, she's going to use it to hurt me.  That she doesn't give a shit that the favor I need from her is actually an honor because I chose her to do it.   That she can only be a parent to one of her kids at a time, and that kid will never be me (unless it benefits her.)

Throw in a couple of intense discussions with some friends who have been less than supportive lately.  Then a discussion with a fellow friend with a NPD mother.  She was supportive and nice.  But it was the wrong place and time for such a discussion.  I would up feeling like emotional and exposed and a bit sheepish about the whole thing.  I had never broached that personal of a conversation with her in person before (although I had on email) and I couldn't tell how she received it.  She's been great since, but I still feel stupid.

It's just all so damn overwhelming.  It's been so overwhelming for the past month.  I have dishes and laundry and mopping piled up high.  I have chores that I have no energy to do.  I haven't even had the energy to blog.  I have had stuff to say, but I've been so fuzzy that I can't get a coherent thought flowing (as evidenced by this post.)  But, everyday I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm getting out of bed.  I asked DH to help pick up some of my slack.  To give me some breaks.  It's just all so much.