I apologize ahead of time for the scatter-brained nature of this post.
NM is playing games again. I've mentioned before that she promised me a favor. I knew ahead of time that she'd make me pay. And pay she has. It started almost a month ago. She has to travel to my home for this favor. Normally, I'd get 500 phone calls/emails/texts wanting to discuss the trip. She said nothing. And she continued to say nothing about the trip. I thought, OK, well, let's play this out. See how far it goes. Well, two weeks ago, she started laying the groundwork. I knew it was coming. Tomorrow is NSIS's "follow-up" appointment with the doctor. I knew she was keeping her options open, in case she had to rush to NSis's side. So, she started mentioning little things. Slipping in how she wasn't feeling well. Not returning my emails when I flat asked her if she was still coming. She left my emails dangling for three whole days (this is a woman who texts/emails/calls several times a day. I don't answer or respond, just for the record). Finally, she decides to reply that she's "planning on coming." Two days later, I get an email that she's got some physical ailment that will prevent her from coming...maybe...sort of. Now, I'm annoyed. I called out her bullshit. Because, even though I can replace her, I actually kind of needed this favor. And she knew that. And she knew that it was actually a bit of an honor for me to have asked her for this favor. But instead of having any sort of acknowledgement of the honor (I know that sounds weird, since she's doing the favor for me) that I would select her to do this important thing for me, she's rubbing my nose in it. I got pissed. I called her bluff. I told her not to worry about it. Of course, then she became "cured"...sort of...but most likely. Ugh. The game playing. I know, I know, quit playing her game. I am glad that I didn't rise to her bait. I didn't react. I measured my responses. I didn't let her get to me. So, I guess we'll see how it all plays out.
You'd think that's be she'd be the one most on my mind, with all her game playing, but really it's my dad. He's been trying to get a hold of me for awhile now. We've been playing phone tag. As I've told you all, I've been very busy (funeral, out of town on vacation, out of town wedding, "single parent" for several nights while DH was out of town, etc.). Plus, I've got two little kids. Trying to fit in phone calls (and these are not five minute calls, but usually an hour or so) in between naps, lunch, baths, dinner, doctor's appointments, and school is difficult. I usually have two free hours a day. And by free, I mean that I get two hours to clean, cook, shower, and maybe, just maybe have some time for myself. I'm not complaining, it's just life right now. I can't talk on the phone when my kids are around because they start to fight for my attention. And dad would not be happy about screaming kids in the background. So, I tried to call him back several times, over several weeks. Then, I knew he was going out of town on vacation. So, I popped an email out saying that he should let me know when he gets back. Well, as soon as he gets back, he calls and starts out with a comment about how I'm difficult to get a hold of. Then, he makes some crack about my husband being in a profession of crooks (and just for the record, he doesn't have a high opinion of 99% of the population or their profession). I'm starting to get annoyed. He asks if I've heard from my sister. I say no. I tell him that she won't return my calls and I'm done trying to get a hold of her. He says she won't call him back either and says he's about to write us BOTH off and quite calling us. WTF. How did I get lumped in with her? He's always lumping me in with her. He transfers his feelings about us back and forth like we are two ends of the same sea. It takes me a minute to regroup. My dad can be vicious. He can also be very nice and kind. He was much more vicious when I was a kid but he's been better for a long time now. I'm always on alert, though. I always expect the verbal beat down.
But I'm determined to be strong and stand up for myself. I catch my breath and tell him that what he said was fucked up. That lumping me in with his entitled, take everything, spoiled daughter is not cool. That I, unlike her, have tried to call him back, several times.
He doesn't say anything. We move on. We talk circles around my spoiled sister again. He says he's tired of going circles around the same conversation (he always thinks he gets determine when a conversation is over). We talk about my childhood. He seems surprised when I tell him how life was with my mom and sister. Genuinely surprised. I wonder where the hell he was when I was a kid. How he missed so much. He apologizes for being such an ass when I was a kid. He says he was a bad parent. I believe he is sincere in his regret. I know he's gained a lot of perspective and he knows he was abusive. He hit us. Not a lot, but enough. Always for "discipline". Problem was, the punishment never fit with the crime. He hit us with a belt (that we had to go get) for not doing the dishes, fighting, not cleaning our rooms. He left welts. I have struggled for so long with this. I always excused it. He was only disciplining us, my child-mind rationalized. It was the only way he knew how. That's what his parents did. Everyone's parents spanked them. I'm beginning to think they didn't. And I don't know why, but his admitting it, made me feel free. Like I could also speak out and say it was not OK what he did.
The conversation was heavy, but we moved on to my mother's and my sister's relationship. I fished out a couple of things about narcissism to see how he'd react. He agrees that my mother is deceitful. He agrees she enables my sister. But when I suggested that she likes to keep my sister dependent on her so that she can feel important he was stunned. Why would a mom sabotage her own daughter? he asked, in disbelief. I knew that he wouldn't be able to hear any more on the subject.
I tried to make it back to my original point. See, he's been enabling NSis a lot lately too. Sending her money, asking for no accountability from her. Allowing her to continue to behave like a spoiled child. I wanted him to know that I'm not trying to punish NSis. I'm not in some petty sibling feud. I told him that I expect her to treat me with the same dignity and respect and love that I've always treated her. That the relationship needs to be reciprocal. That she has obligations to me too. He agreed. He said that he didn't feel like it was my role to provide for her or take care of her. I believed him.
But then he said, "But in the end, you're life is better than her's." And there it was. The excuse. The dismissal. The proof that, no matter how upset he is about how she acts towards him, he doesn't understand me at all. That he does feel I owe her something. Because my life is "better". DH, when I told him this, said "well, that's awfully subjective. I know lots of people who'd rather have her life than yours." Which is true. She has no responsibility. She has no accountability. She parties and sleeps until noon and spends money on herself. Now, is she happy? No. Does she want more? Yes. But her life isn't some horrible mess. And if it is, it's ALL due to choices she's made. She's made the choice to lead her life the way she has. And while I love my life, my kids, and my husband, it's no walk in the park all of the time. My sister would fall apart with 2 years of three-hours-of-sleep a night, the endless routine of taking care of kids, kids puking in your hands, cleaning, cooking, and caring for others, all to do it all over the next day. To be responsible and think of someone besides herself would not be her cup of tea. I love my life. My sister, would not. My dad would prefer my life, but not everyone thinks like my dad. And even, let's assume, that my life is better? Does that excuse her behavior? Does that make me responsible for her? Does that make her not responsible? Does that make her unaccountable? No, I don't think it does.
Jessie, I just read through this post very carefully. First off, you apologize for the post being scatter-brained. Truly, nothing you've written here souds the least bit scatter-brained.
ReplyDeleteEverything you say in this post makes perfect sense. The thoughts you express, your feelings, your take on things, the way you perceive your family dynamics: you sound very grounded, aware, and wise far beyond your years.
What almost stopped my heart in its tracks was reading this, about your phone conversation with your dad: "He asks if I've heard from my sister. I say no. I tell him that she won't return my calls and I'm done trying to get a hold of her. He says she won't call him back either and says he's about to write us BOTH off and quite calling us."
Jessie, Honey. Oh my God. What the hell? "Lumping you in with your sister" as you say, as though you are "two ends of the same sea" ... damn. I'm having a hard time being coherent here. Excuse ME for scatter-braininess.
What the F was your "dad" thinking, to say such a horrible thing to you? How did you even keep going with that phone conversation? How did you keep yourself so well-grounded? I mean, you handled it so beautifully, calling him on his shit, but without going to pieces or just hanging up, like probably most people in your shoes would have done.
I don't know how you did it.
Yes, it's great that he "apologizes for being such an ass when I was a kid. He says he was a bad parent." That is healing and validating, I agree, if only we could all have that honest apology from our N parent(s). But he is being an ass of a dad to you NOW. He is being a bad parent TODAY, by telling you that he is thinking of writing you off, along with your sister? And then, when you called him on it in your amazingly mature way, " He doesn't say anything." !!!
I would be seriously contemplating writing HIM off, if I were you. Oh but I know how hard that is to do.
You are amazing.
Oh, and for the record, being "spanked" with a belt as punishment was considered "normal discipline" when I was growing up, too. But it was, it is, abuse. I spanked my 3 as punishment when they were growing up, but never ever did I hit a single one of them with a belt, or with anything other than my bare hand.
Back then, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was taught that you "had" to spank your kids, because the Bible says if you spare the rod you spoil the child.
But today, I believe I was wrong. I believe that even my "normal" spankings were abuse. There are far more healthful and productive ways to teach and discipline your children, that does not involve hitting them. If I had my life to live over, I would never lay a finger in anger or as punishment on any child.
I know I'm in the minority in this belief. But it's my 2 cents for you to take or leave.
Charity
No, I agree with you. I think hitting your kids is just completely wrong. I know that a lot of people justify it. And it does seem to STILL be seen as "normal". But, I've found, that it is not only not effective but side-steps the basic tenant of parenting for me: to teach my children to be adults. It teaches a child nothing about better behavior to hit them.
DeleteThanks for your kind words. My dad is a sticky situation for me and our relationship is complicated. He has changed a lot since my childhood (he struggled with severe depression, not that that is an excuse) but he still has his moments, sometimes lots of them. It's hard. And I think, partly, I cling to him because, out of my whole family, he is the most normal one. Lucky me. He is willing to listen, he does validate me, and he does admit fault.
However, he often slips back into old habits and lumping me in with my sister and mother is one of them. I think he transfers his feelings about us and sees us as all very similar. And in the end, he really knows me not at all,as I've only seen him once a year or every two years for the past 15 years of my life. I don't know how I handled this. I guess I really, really wanted to test myself. To see if I was strong enough to stand up for myself with someone so scary. I think I passed.
I almost forgot this point: Your parents imply that you owe your sister something extra because they see your life as "better than hers?"
ReplyDeleteThat, too, is BS. I have 3 adult children. Two of them work as salesclerks, one in a clothing store, one in a shoe department. They've done this sort of low-paying retail work since high school. Neither of them has ever indicated any ambition to do anything more with their lives. They can barely pay their rent and put food on their table as a result.
My other adult child went to college on her own, got a degree, and also managed to get in with a "jet-setting" crowd. Last year she was dating a NASCAR driver, and hanging out with Broadway actors. This year she is living with and engaged to a man who clearly adores her, you can see that just by the way he looks at her. This guy is wealthy by most people's standards. Knowing my daughter, she is also equally crazy in love with him. For her, it isn't at all about the money, that's only the icing on the cake.
I'm happy for my daughter, to put it mildly. I wish my other two had as good of a life. But there is no way I would expect her to be obligated in for the other two, because "her life is better."
Once your kids grow up and make their own adult choices, it isn't like when they were little at Christmas and you had to make sure they all got equally nice presents with an equal amount of money spent on each one. It sounds like your folks still see you and your sister as kids who have to "share" everything, equally. (Shaking my head.)
Funny you say that Charity, as treating your kids with fairness has been a major topic of conversation between us lately. My dad said that as kids, he felt he had to treat us completely equally. Not just in what he gave us, but in the way he parented. He used the same techniques on both of us. He says, now, he feels that was a wrong choice and that he should have parented us both according to our needs. It seems like a step in the right direction, but I think he is missing the happy medium. I think you need to be fair with your adult kids. He continually compensates my sister for her shortcomings. She is the squeaky wheel and gets all the "oil" so to speak (and always has been). Now, she and I are very different people. We need DIFFERENT things from our folks, but I think we both need to be treated fairly. They have the philosophy that because I'm doing OK, I don't need anything from them. Yes, I don't need their money, but their love, concern, and validation would be nice.
DeleteAnd I'm glad that my post wasn't too scattered. I didn't feel like I was very coherent with my thoughts. Just a lot of he said, she said details.
"We need DIFFERENT things from our folks, but I think we both need to be treated fairly."
DeleteAbsolutely. It's not easy as a parent keeping everything fair, but it's very important for everyone's sake to try to do that. Of course you know that already, with your kids. It never ends.
"But in the end, you're life is better than her's." Aaaaaaaargh! My mother hasn't said that to me in so many words but it is an implication that hangs over my head not only about my sister but about my brother too. In the end I came to the same conclusions you did: I am not responsible for them, I will not excuse their behaviour and yes, they're accountable for what they do.
ReplyDeleteI really don't get the logic behind this thinking. That we owe them something because our life is better, even though we all started up the same and the life we have is the result of our hard work (inner and outer). I wonder whether behind this thinking there is an abdication of responsibility on the part of the parents; so that if we are doing the "looking after" they can put their feet up and not worry so much because we are doing the work that actually is THEIR work. My mother once said to me: "Well, you just have to come to terms with the fact that you have two daughters: your sister and your niece". That was my cue that I needed to step out of this position quickly, because I was well on my way to become the "parent" of the whole family.
I lived with the threat of the belt my whole childhood: my father would look at us with a cold stare and say: "Do I need to take off my belt?" It was terrifying; no wonder that the only feeling I had for my father as a child was fear. I am so sorry you got the belt. It's kind of weird to think that back then they thought it was normal to treat children in a way that in ancient times was a punishment for criminals. What could a child possibly do that would warrant that kind of treatment. In our case, similar to yours, it was mainly because of the fighting, but my question is how do children get to the point of fighting without the parents stepping in before, ah, because the children are unsupervised, so they were punishing us for something that technically was their fault.
Yes, Kara, he was punishing me for his lack of parenting. That is exactly it. Punishing me for not being "perfectly" well-behaved. I always lived in fear of my dad, always. I still fear him, in a lot of ways. His anger was frightening. And I believe him hitting me was complete laziness on his part.
DeleteI wonder sometimes if my parents justify their thinking about my sister in a "those who have been blessed with much, much is expected" kind of way. But that's the fallacy in their logic. My sister is just as smart as I am. She came from the same family, with the same opportunities, and virtually the same start in life. In fact, in many ways she was given more than me (although, this was actually harmful to her, as it was enabling.)
And I know that my mother often feels that the "burden" of my sister needs to be shared. She's expressed that it isn't fair that she has to deal with her wholly on her own (she's never done it wholly on her own) and that she can't do it. She is always guilt tripping me about what my dad doesn't do and pushes my sister to get even with my dad by demanding things to make up for him being a horrible father (most of which is a tainted view. And really, my sister shouldn't be getting "even" for these things. It's all so messed up.) Anyway, I do believe my mother and father expect me to help out with the parenting.
Okay first your mom's squirrely flakeyness is just annoying. Here's her big chance to do something nice for her daughter and it's all games and wishywashy bullshit. I mean what does she get off on witholding it?
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed with your interaction with your dad - that sort of thing tends to shut me down back to some really young age feeling like a deer in headlights, emotionally speaking. Sounds like you really held your own.
The sibling thing hurts so much, it's a very hurting place for me and I think it is for so many people whose family systems incentivize division and in-fighting between the siblings. My mom keeps my brother dependent on her because it makes her feel needed. Perfectly put there and I wouldn't say it if it weren't true - but it is. Once an aunt said my brother gets too much out of his relationship with my mom right now, and whatever it is that he gets there he wants more than he wants a relationship with me. That maybe once both my parents are dead we can maybe be friends again. How shockingly sad!
It sucks to be treated as interchangeable and not separate.
That is so sad about your brother. I've read a lot of your blog concerning him. I see a lot of similarities with my sister in how they present themselves to the world. Unfortunately, for me, my sister has never been my ally. She's never stuck her neck out for me, never defended me, and usually throws me under the bus. She was actually the reason I stumbled upon narcissism; I was trying to figure her out. My, oh, my was I surprised with the direction my research took. My mother and my sister are and always have been interdependent on each other. NSis fills up mom's need for drama, Nm lives vicariously through NSis's crazy life, and NM feels needed and important, as well as serving as the reasoning for lots of choices NM is too chicken shit to own up to on her own (even to herself). NSis gets money, entitlement, excuses, un-accountability (pardon the made up word), sympathy, and a doormat from my mother. It's sick and sad. Sis and I will never, and have never, really been friends.
DeleteThanks for the kind words with my dad. It was actually a first. I've only tested it in small doses before. And man, did I have to steal my nerves. But I've spent lots and lots of years taking shit from him, and my mom, and my stepdad and my stepmom, and my sister, and my NMIL that all fall into a similar vein of rudeness. I was tired of being the deer in the headlights, just like you. I was kind of shocked at myself...and a little proud. BUT, I really steeled myself up a head of time. I was very, very, very prepared when I called him.
This is typical for my NM. She loves having me on the hook, so to speak. She loves dangling things out and feeling like she's in power. It looks like flakeyness and b.s. to the rest of us, but she imagines herself some all-important Queen when she pulls this bullshit. I know she imagines me running around, wringing my hands, desperate for her help. She wants, so desperately, for me to need her and beg her and play her games. But, as you aptly put it, it's annoying.
Thanks for the comments, Upsi. I really respect your thoughts and opinions.