Denial

The weekend ended up being very loaded and I am very exhausted by it all.  NM was OK, or rather, I handled her OK.  I will write more about my interactions with her later.  But I struggled with my MIL.

On Saturday, they showed up at my son's game.  They had been told about it, but hadn't confirmed they were coming, so I figured they weren't.  No suck luck.  MIL bustled immediately next to DH, so close their chairs touched.  She then preceded her "interrogation".  Or at least that's what if felt like to me.  Question after question after question.  "Does DS have a woman teacher? Does he eat hot or cold lunch?  When does he get home?"  "What kind of party is DS having?  What decorations did you buy?  What is he having a cake or cupcakes?  What kind?"  Writing it down doesn't sound so bad, but it was just one question after another.  There was no "conversation" to the conversation.  She would ask a question and DH would answer.  And then another immediate question.  There was no open ended questions in which a conversation could be sparked.  She directed none of the questions at me.  DH believes that she is "just trying to make conversation" and "doesn't know what to say".   Maybe.  Her anxiety is palatable (which is so odd, because she isn't an "anxious" person in general.  DH believes that I make her anxious.  I also believe that my NM makes her anxious. ) 

When the woman walked up, I gave a half-assed wave (and I will admit, she makes my skin crawl.  I wish, with all I'm worth, that I didn't feel so anxious, angry, and irritated around her.  That I could just emotionally disconnect like I've learned to do with my NM.  I'm not sure why this is, but I believe it has something to do with her still having "hooks" in my DH and me feeling like she can still control me through him.)  I don't make more of an effort because I don't want to encourage her.  I am not interested in being her friend or having a relationship.  This bothers DH.  I am willing to tolerate her and be cordial, but I'm not interested in being friendly.  DH sees this as "contributing" to the problem.

But I will point out that MIL didn't say hi to me either.  She gave a general wave to the group.  Several times she asked questions or made comments that really should've been directed at me.  "Wow" she told DH "that's a nice camera you have".  I was holding the camera, the whole family knows that I take all the family photos, and she's seen my camera a DOZEN times or more, which made the "compliment" seem phony and bullshitty.   I will also say I was anxious about my son's game, tired, stressed from NM, and hadn't made conversation with anyone else either.  MIL also proceeded to tell DH who of his brothers were coming to the party the next day.  It annoyed me that none of them had bothered to call DH himself.   It is this sort of thing that makes me feel enmeshed and icky and like all information has to go through MIL.  She has to know EVERYTHING that is going on.  But no one else sees it like that.

Anyway, when we got home, DH and I were discussing it and he said he felt we "both contributed" and "both to blame" and that neither of us tried.  I suppose this is true, but I told him that I had purposely not made any effort to see what happened.   In my analysis of the situation, if I don't approach MIL, if I don't make myself available, then SHE gets all anxious and weird and closes off.  I pointed out that both MIL and BIL expect everyone to come to them.  And if they don't, then they just ignore you.  As MIL and BIL are not shy and are very outgoing people, I can only see this as a self-centered N trait. 

The next day at the party, ALL of my ILs came into the party, greeted the woman I was talking to and walked past me.  Granted, I had my back to them, but seriously.  They know it was me.  When I called "hello" to MIL as she skirted past me, she quickly turned, gave a phony smirk smile and then bustled past me.  I didn't see her again for awhile. 

A bit later, NM approached me and relayed a story in which FIL asked if my son would participate in a particular sport (not ironically, the sport my husband was a "star" in and that everyone associates DH with.  I am not fond of this sport for a number of reasons.   Some of which is that meets take all day and that you often spend most of your weekend at them, as opposed to say baseball where you spend a couple of hours one day.  I also think some of the things children are expected to do for this sport are not healthy.  And I don't want to push my kid to do something just because his dad did.   And my kid already does other sports.  Plus I want him in other activities BESIDES sports.)  Anyway, NM said "Jessie doesn't want him to."  FIL replied "so it's all about Jessie?"

I'll admit, this one crushed me.  I know they think I control my kids and DH.  I know they think I'm over cautious with my kids and uptight.  But it hurt to hear him say this about me.  I thought I, slightly, had an ally with FIL.  And the truth is, this sport is what FIL wants DS to do.  FIL also was very pushy in having DH do this sport.  In fact, FIL is often to wrapped into sports and I think it is his way of escaping reality.  He can talk sports with his kids and think he's connecting.  I've often seen him retreat into sports during family functions.  I even found him in the bar during my wedding reception watching a football game. 

In addition, I was giving several other bits of bad news.  And my girl, who keeps claiming she wants to be my friend, who I've confided in about my family issues, who knows these parties are hard for me, decided to DROP OFF HER DAUGHTER SO SHE COULD GO SHOPPING.  She could see I was visibly shaken when she stopped and still left. 

MIL approached me and my son later with some more of her interrogations.  She wonders why the kids don't have a relationship with her, but all she does is fire off questions.  She doesn't take time to really listen or ask them things so that THEY can talk and share with her.  During the party she stood between the two play areas.  This is typical for her. She doesn't bother to go in, play with the kids, or interact (all other parents do, except my FIL who, surprise, watches football).  She also approached me toward the end of the party and asked "Can I put the food away?"  I'd already put away most of it, but left out the snacks, as we had 20 more minutes.  It always drives me nuts how she only offers to help with very specific jobs.  She doesn't ask what she can do, but offers up what she wants to do.  And if you say yes, she doesn't ask how you'd like things (like where to put them) but just starts stuffing things wherever.  NM does the same thing.  I'm sure I'm being petty, but it doesn't feel like they are helping when they are steam rolling over me and not asking how I need things done. 

SIL spoke to me briefly.  BIL (MIL's GC) didn't say hi at all.  This is a game we play, as I rarely say hi to him because I (accidently) discovered that if I didn't approach him (over a year ago) he just ignored me.  For an entire year, I just didn't say hello first.  And he just ignored me.  When I did say hello, he would talk to me.  It's very, very strange.

I went home from the party shattered.  I was bummed I had such a horrible time and had ended up in a back room crying by myself.  I felt horrible that I couldn't enjoy my son's party.  I felt sad and guilty that I was having drama during his party.  I only hope that I pulled myself together enough and that he didn't notice.   I really tried to connect with the children (and a few adult friends) and stay out of the fray.    I didn't say anything to MIL, and she kept dancing around me, but I had no desire at that point.

DH was oblivious to all of this all.  When we got home, I left the kids to play with their toys and my stepdad and went to cry (again) in my walk in closet.  He came to find me and I could see he was visibly shaken when I told him what happened.  He was kind and consoling, but he didn't say that his father was wrong.   He said he was surprised his dad said that and was sure he was joking.  I said, even if he was joking, it wasn't very kind. 

DH didn't sleep at all that night.  He is so upset about this all.  I think he KNOWS how things are.  I mean, he can't deny that his parents don't make an effort to actually get to know his kid.  That just "being in the room" with them doesn't count.  That his brothers are horribly uncles who only pay attention to the kids when they want to.  That they don't make any effort to actually be involved with our kids.  He can't deny that the family has issues.

But he can NOT let go of the fact that he wants is family in his life.  The next day I told him that by making a big deal out of his parents or uncles throwing crumbs at our kids, he is teaching them that is all they are worth.  He said I'm teaching our kids that I can't have a decent relationship with ANYONE in the family (I pointed out later that this is a generalization and splitting and just not true).  I pointed out that I have just as good a relationship with most of them as he does.  I'm just not satisfied with surface-y relationships and relationships in which real love and support and affiliation is absent.  

I know this is killing DH.  I know he wants a big family, huge celebrations, love and support.  I get that.  But he can't get that he never had that BEFORE I pointed it out.  That, many years ago, when I DID TRY,  the relationship wasn't any better.  That NM and my sister (yes, he threw my sister at me) are impossible to have a family relationship with.  He knows that this is a particular vulnerable thing for me, to say it's just me, and saying that NM and my sister is my problem is just bullshit.   And he knows it too.  And frankly, I think I have been dealing with NM just fine, considering I haven't completely cut her off. 

I don't know where to go from here with him about this.  He seems stuck in the "put up with it" phase.  Or the denial phase.  Or somewhere in between.  He simultaneously tells me that my mother and sister are the craziest people he's every met, that he doesn't like either of them, but then tells me that I'm teaching my kids not to have relationships with immediate family.  I feel stuck, as what he says is technically true.  I am keeping my mother and sister at arm's length.  But that's due to THEM, not me. 

We've been going around this all for two days.  I get that he's feeling sad and depressed.  I've told him I'm not asking him to cut off his family, only to look at it realistically.  To quit putting more into it (and describing it) as more than it is.  To get rid of some of that baggage so we can make room for people who really do love us.  To try and help me work on healthy boundaries, healthy ways of interacting (with them and us) so that we can teach our kids that.  To set boundaries with his family.  To stick up and protect his wife and kids from their scapegoating and favoritism  (did I mention MIL blatantly favors my older son?  This is one of the things that has finally helped DS see the light.) 

I get how hard this is for him, the grieving, the denial, the wanting it to be different.  And I'm thankful he's not so anger and completely blaming me anymore.  I've seen his empathy for me and his commitment to our marriage and family grown.  I know he can look at our boys (whom everyone says are so smart, well behaved, sweet, and considerate) and see that, if I was the stingy bitch they think I am, the kids wouldn't be so great (a lot is just because I have great kids, but I have helped).  I just don't know how to move from here.  I don't know what to do.  I know that I'm ready to speak up, and fuck them if they don't like it.  I know that I'm going to try to focus on what I want and need and not feel guilty.  I just don't know if he can go there. 

Burying the Hatchet

NM arrives today for the weekend (for kiddo's birthday party).  She'll be here an extra day this time.  I'm trying not to be anxious.

I'm feeling so much better about her coming.  Well, not about her coming, but I'm handling myself better.  Still, the thought of all weekend with NM (and sprinkles of MIL too.  Lucky me!) is dire.  I'm trying to remember that allowing them to suck all of the happiness and joy out of me is letting them control me.  That I am still allowing them to be the center of my attention and focus, even if it is for negative reasons.

I'm guessing too that NM will bring up my sister and I'm not looking forward to that.  I've been thinking a lot about my sister lately.  I saw a picture she posted of herself and NM, with the caption "love my mama!"  I think this is odd, as she didn't ever call her "mama".  NM posted photos a month back of her trip to see NSIS with the caption "with my baby!  Happy mama!"  This whole "mama/baby" crap made me want to vomit.  It was a very visual representation of the relationship they have with each other: a mom and her BABY.  Not her grown, adult, in her 30s daughter.  But her BABY.

Looking at the photo, I was struck by how much I DO NOT miss being in their relationships.  They are both snuggled up, giggling.  I remembered how silly, infantile, and gossipy their relationship is.  Goofy, and not in a good way.   I always felt so out-of-place making myself behave that way.  Sure, I can act silly, but I often felt like we were teenage girls instead of grown women.  I do not, can not, go back to being like that.

And the thing is, I do not miss my sister.  What would their be to miss?  The drama, the chaos?  The fear?  I remember very few times I had a good, relaxed time with my sister.  I always felt on edge.  Always worried she would blow.  Always concerned she would get angry and freak out.  And now that I have kids, I can not risk that anymore.  I can not risk her screaming at her boyfriend and having a huge fight in front of them (like she did the last time she was at my house).  I can't risk her screaming at me.  I can't risk her playing with them and then becoming "bored" and focusing on herself (like she did when my OS was an infant/small baby).   I tried so hard to convince myself I enjoyed her company.  But I rarely did.

And the thing is, NM just does not get that.  She continues to believe/tell herself/project that my sister and I just had a "spat".    She recently mentioned a family reunion next summer in which she hopes me and my sister would both go.   She had hoped my sister and I would both attend a "family photo shoot" this past summer.  I just don't get it.  How in the world does she think that will go?  That we will just show up, fall into each other's arms and all will be OK?  I know, for the photo shoot, she had some fantasy that we would come together "for her (NM)", put our "pettiness" aside for the "bigger picture" and all that b.s.   I wondered how she thought we could just show up, after not talking for two years, almost three, and suddenly stand in a photo together like one big happy photo.

After she mentioned the reunion, I was feeling panicked and pressured.   Sure, I'd like to see some of these relatives (although there isn't much "family" about this family.  It's all scattered, dysfunctional, and tense.  At my grandmother's funeral, everyone kept their distance and never got together afterward, just went off in separate directions.)  But I just couldn't fathom how I could be around my sister.  The odds of her flying off shift on me would be HUGE (I mean the powder keg of ammunition against me is huge.  Even if NSIS came with the intent to get along, I know how easily I could piss her off and she'd lose it.  I don't really feel like having a conversation about her estrangement amongst a bunch of relatives I hardly associate with.)  And I can't just go be "buddy-buddy" and pretend everything is OK.  Two summers ago, NM tried to push me into picking up my sister and her boyfriend and bringing them to another family reunion (and provide them a place to stay with us).  We hadn't talked in a year at that point.  I wondered WHY NM thought I had that responsibility or should accept it. 

I know NM thinks I need to "forgive and forget" and that "life is short" and every other platitude that glosses over the reality of it.  The fact is, I HAVE tried everything to have a relationship with my sister.  I forgave, forgot, forgave, forgot and forgave again.  Over and over and over.  For things that my sister never apologized for and never really felt remorse for.  Things she never even admitted doing: stealing from me, allowing others to steal from me, beating me up, sleeping with my boyfriends.  I excused and forgave her for all the times she directed the spotlight away from me: on my wedding, during the birth of my children, when I moved into my new home.  Every single time she created drama or a scene or somehow stole the spotlight and focused it back on her.  And I forgave her.  I used all of NM's excuses for NSIS: she's jealous and doesn't know how to express it, she feels left out, she doesn't understand, her life has been hard lately, she didn't MEAN to hurt you, it's hard for her to see you get all of these things and makes her feel badly about herself......you get the idea.  I excused her over and over and over.  I thought I could help her "get better" and then, if I could just tough it out, we'd finally have the relationship I hoped for.  Or any relationship other than the one we have.  At least one where NSIS seemed to give a shit about me.

I spent the better part of THREE decades "trying".  In all of this time, NSIS did very little to contribute to our relationship.  She continued to take whatever she could get off of me (that she felt entitled too, as I am supposed to "support" NSIS as I am her sister).  She allowed me to pay for a lot, called in the middle of the night (screw the fact that I had work the next day), called and bitched for hours but never once asked about me or my kids.  She would ignore my husband or kids whenever she felt threatened that they might take up some of my attention.   During times I could have used her support, she dangled it out there, but then yanked it back, saying it would be too much for her to take off work/spend money to visit/ call me.  And I let that go.  I accepted whatever crumbs my sister wanted to throw at me and called them a feast.  And in return I helped her whenever and however she needed me.  (Sure, I wasn't ALWAYS there like NSIS would claim I should've been, but I really tried as hard as I could to do everything I could.)

And, in the end, the relationship was the same as it always was.  Lopsided, off balance, and toxic.  I do not miss the stress and the drama.  I don't miss the fear of hoping she'll behave in front of my friends and family at important times in my life.  I am not sad she is not at my sons' birthdays.  She's mean and glares at people and can be intimidating.  She is Unfriendly.  I don't miss having to gloss over that and pretend she's not that way.  I don't want to go back to the fear that she will hurt me or verbally abuse me (especially in front of my kids).  I don't want to go back to my kiddos seeing me cry when I get off the phone.  I don't want to go back to hyperventilating every time she called, as I never knew what to expect (some new HUGE crisis, or a verbal tongue lashing, or a lengthy discussion about how hard her life is while I tried- in vain- to console her.)

NM just doesn't get that.  And I don't think she's every cared to ask me how I feel, what I need, or what my concerns are.  Her concerns have always been for NSIS and doing what I can to placate NSIS.  I think NM secretly fears NSIS going further off the deep end and expects me to help "anchor" NSIS....or at least, not provide provocation.  I'm tired of stuffing myself down in order to prop up NSIS.  And I don't want to do it anymore.   And there is no way to explain that to NM.  Sigh.

Random Thoughts

Just stepping in to say I'm still here, still holding on, still working at all of this.  I'm surprised sometimes at what a long, drawn out process this all is.  How it cycles, and ebbs, and flows.  How nothing about it is linear.

I've had a good summer.  Very little contact with any of the narcs.  What I have had has been pretty minimal.  I haven't seen my MIL and FIL in months.  Actually, I've seen them rarely in the past year or so.  It's been a welcome retreat.  I'm gearing up for fall, in which they usually visit every other weekend or so.  But I'm not anxious and stressed and dreading it like I usually am.  Part of me feels like "bring it on, bitch!".  I am feeling stronger.  I am feeling more united with DH.  I don't feel so all alone in this fight.

NM comes and goes with her attacks.  Like a hornet that swarms in from time to time.  Little guilt bombs over and over.  She's mostly keeping her distance.  I can feel her anger and bitterness from 600 miles away.  It's amazing how they do that.  It bothers me less and less, but still is exhausting, time consuming, and depressing.

I've been quite sad about NSIS, as of late.  As we approach almost two years since we had the fallout that led to NC, I haven't seen one ounce of change.  Every once and awhile she "touches base" and "reaches out" offering me some compliment or kind words on FB.  But it means little to me.  She's never made any effort to understand me,  truly work through things, or change things.  I'm beginning to wonder if this will ever change.  If, by the time I ever do see her again, things will be so broken and distant that they can never change. 

The latest news of Robin Williams suicide hit me hard.   As almost everyone has said, it was a shock in some profound way that was really hard to comprehend.  It wasn't just that he was so funny or "happy" (Kara pointed out to me how the man rarely smiled in photos.  It reminds me of my father, in some way.)  It seems to me that this man touched, reached out, and was kind to many, many people. 

I thought of my sister, how she also has bipolar.  How she also has tried to commit suicide more times than I can count.  I wondered why I could have such empathy for RW but none for my sister.  I'm still sorting through this.  I think partially, I used to associate her bipolar with the reason she's mean and abusive.  But I'm beginning to realize that maybe she just IS abusive.   And toxic.  Robin strikes me as relatively "untoxic".  Sure, his alcohol, drugs, and depression must have been no picnic to deal with.  But I don't feel he took those things OUT on other people.  I don't think he blamed, shamed, and attacked anyone that brought it to his attention.

From all accounts I've read, he was one of the most kind, sympathetic, empathetic people you could people.  Many people described him as being TOO sensitive.  Feeling too much for others.  Sucking in other's pain and doing whatever he could to alleviate it.  He tried to reach out, tried to give of himself, tried to be of use.

But in the end it was not enough for him.  I've read many people claim he was selfish.  This angers me.  I wonder if these people would also find it selfish if someone, ravaged by cancer, with no hope of help, writhing in pain every day, if they would find that person selfish for taking their life.  It seems that mental pain, mental anguish is never "valid" enough.   I tend to disagree.  Tortures use psychological torture over physical torture for a reason: it is much, much worse. 

I'm also a bit annoyed at the many people to who say "reach out", "ask for help".  I know, they are trying to help.  Actually trying to help the problem  and find a solution.  But the thing is, how many people DO reach out and are told "it's OK, you'll get through this"?  Or "I've been there, there's hope"?  These are wonderful sentiments but in times of great despair, pats on the back and "there, there" are not enough.  Love and admiration from strangers or acquaintances mean nothing if we are not loved and understood by someone who knows our soul.  I wonder how many people have reached out to someone who was wholly inept to deal with this level of depression, and so, therefore, made it worse.   I know when I've reached out before, I've been told "it's OK.  You're not that bad.  You can make it."  I know these people I spoke to were scared.  They had no ability to deal with what I was telling them, no skills to help me.  And that often made it worse, in the state of depression I was in.  I only felt more misunderstood and guilty.

Many, many people knew RW was depressed.  Many, many people knew he was sad.  Many, many people loved him for what he did for them, how he lifted them up.  I wonder how many of those people took the time to reach back and make sure he was OK.  How many people assumed he seemed "ok, enough" and didn't take the time to look behind the mask?  How many people just didn't know what to do, so they ignored it?  I wonder how many times people never took the time to really look at that man, to see into his soul, and take a moment to really listen to him.  To really hear him.  And really validate him.  I'm not blaming the survivors.  But I wonder if it isn't time to look at mental illness, our approaches to suicide, and our treatments for these issues differently.

I read an article last night about how Robin sort of "latched" onto his son's nanny (whom later became his wife).  She pushed him back, time and time again.  Told him he had "issues" and was "messed up".  But this man, who from what I can find, had a lonely, lonely childhood, kept holding onto her.  He said that she was one of the only people that looked at him and told him he was ok, that he was "a good person".    Certainly, no wife can be someone's "mother" forever, and they divorced.  But this man, who talked of isolation, loneliness and despair, he often just seemed to need to be SEEN.  To be HEARD (beyond the humor).  To be validated. 

Be the Bigger Person

"Somebody who can reckon with the past, who can live with the past in the present, and move towards the future - that's fabulous"
Bruce Springsteen

NM posted this on her FB page a few days ago (I turned off her feed and now, only check it when I'm feeling up to it.  No surprises.)

I actually think it's a good sentiment and I love me some Bruce.  But, I know that NM isn't reading this quote in the same way I am (she has a tendency to be very literal.  She's not very good about understanding underlying meanings in things).

I'm almost certain this quote is directed at me.  I try not to personalize FB posts and take them as directed at me, but I'm REALLY good at reading NM.  And she's fairly obvious. 

And it also fits right along with her motto "You've got to be the bigger person."  She's constantly saying this to me.  That so-and-so needed to be the bigger person.  That she was the bigger person.  That so-and-so needs to "get over it" and "be the bigger person". 

As an example, several years ago when my grandfather turned 80, she wanted to have a party for him.  She expected everyone else to feel the same.  My grandfather, while mellowed, is a pompous, loud, alcoholic.  He has no boundaries and is poor at reading other people's feelings.  Since my grandmother died, he has imposed himself on his youngest daughter to be his social life.  He goes out to her home once a week and gets good and drunk.  And when he's drunk, he's often belligerent.  He was NOT a good father.  He often left his kids in the truck while he'd go in the bar and drink.  His family was always struggling.  He allowed my mother to help pay the bills when she became a teenager.  He doesn't have many friends (if any).  He wasn't an involved grandfather and I was often scared of him.  He does have a few good points (and he's been kind to me in recent years, sending cards for my birthday. )  I do think he has some kernels of empathy and kindness.  He's not a complete ass.  But he's not someone you'd think of "celebrating".  My mother's family has lots of issues and dysfunction (imagine that!) and even though they live close, they struggle to be in each other's lives.  Generally, they just sort of stay out of each other's way. 

So, when no one wanted to go to the party, NM got all on her moral high-horse.  Preaching about "letting go" of the past and "getting over their issues for an our to honor grandpa".  NM loves to be on her moral high-horse.  It's a great pastime for her and she loves to lord over people how thoughtful, considerate, generous, and kind she thinks she is.

Ironically, NM loves to take care of her father and parent him.  When my grandmother died, NM was the one taking charge, involved with the doctors, fixing financial messes.  She LOVES to parent.  Well, she loves to play at parenting.  See, for her, she thinks because she floats the old man some money every few months, buys him nice gifts, and takes him to lunch once and awhile, she's the better person.   She's "let go" of the past and is doing what she feels so should do for a parent.  I don't think I need to point out that gifts, money, and occasional attention does not a parent make.  But there's NM for you.

Whatever,  despite all of this, she still is horribly dysfunctional.  She isn't past her past, but rather pretending it didn't exist.  She didn't work through any of it.  I doubt she's truly forgiven her father.  And further, by now acting as if he is some great guy, I believe she's only doing herself a disservice. 

But that's her.  I'm done with all that "let bygones be bygones" shit.  The quote above was a not-so-subtle reminder than I'm being resentful towards my sister.  That I need to just forgive her and move on.  That I am being unkind, mean, and petty.  That the whole situation would be resolved if I'd just forgive my sister.

What NM can't realize is that I have forgiven my sister (more on forgiveness in a minute).  I don't harbor anger or resentment towards her.  I spent years forgiving my sister.  I forgave her stealing my friends, sleeping with my boyfriends, stealing my cloths, letting her friends steal from me, upstaging me at my wedding, upstaging me at every other big event in my life, causing drama and chaos and stress in my life, screaming at me, yelling at me, beating me up physically.  All this, and SO much more, I forgave in my sister.  Time and time again.  And it never made a damn bit of difference. 

Because, see, NM doesn't want forgiveness, she wants you to FORGET.  And then allow the same old crap to happen over and over.  She wants me to allow my sister to continue to treat me in the same old ways she always has.

Besides the fact that my sister has never actually apologized to me (she doesn't think she did anything wrong, ever), my sister does not change.  It's not that she tries and then makes mistakes (I can move past mistakes).  It's that she is stuck in the same old patterns and she wants me to play my part.  And because I am refusing to have the same relationship, she and my sister think I'm mean.

I've spent so much of my life wanting to be good.  Not just to have people like me.  But having integrity, kindness, generosity of spirit are important characteristics to me.  I wanted to be forgiving.  I wanted to make allowances and be non-judgmental.  And NM knew this.  So whenever she wanted me to do something, she'd pull out the "your not being kind, Jessie" card.  She'd accuse me of being mean, spiteful, bitter, and resentful.  Of holding grudges (pure projection on NM's part, as she is the Queen of Grudges).  I don't hold things against people.  I understand people make mistakes.  But NM was forever telling me I was harsh, mean, and unkind (as was MIL and any of their minions who felt I wasn't doing enough).  And it was an arrow through my heart.

One of the most important steps I took to move past this is that I quite allowing THEM to determine if I was, in fact, kind, good, and living with integrity.  In my last post, I discussed how I was never good enough.  That the "trying" was slowly killing me.   I finally had to start getting some of my ego back.  Some of my self-esteem (something which was hard for me.  Because GOD FORBID I ever be one of the Ns, who had such self-esteem and ego were through the roof.)  Because I was so afraid of being them, I was afraid of allowing myself any ego.  Any belief in myself.

So, I worked on that.  A lot.  I asked myself (and DH and a few friends), am I a good daughter?  Of course, it helped to have validation, but the biggest key was learning to define what a "good daughter" looked like to ME.  What being a good DIL looked like.  And the more I looked, the more I realized, HELL, I AM A GOOD DAUGHTER.  I quit allowing them to define me.  I quit allowing them to tell me I wasn't good enough.

I am not a perfect daughter.  I'm sure I could be better.  But I don't do anything for them out of fear, obligation, or guilt.  I'm working on not refusing things, just because I'm angry with them.  I'm sure my idea of "daughter" and theirs is different, because their definition of good equals 'no boundaries, no needs".  Well, too bad.  I get to have a say in the relationship too.  I'm still working on all of this, but things have become so much easier when I did what I felt I should do for my family.  What was an appropriate obligation (I do think there is some obligation that is appropriate) and what was out of bounds.  And I try to go with my gut. 

I also spent a lot of time working on what forgiveness meant.  So many bloggers write (and theologians) that forgiveness doesn't require giving in, having a relationship, or excusing someone's bad behavior.  That it's about letting go of the anger and resentment.  For me, this also included quitting taking everything they did so personally.  It wasn't about me.  They were jerks because THEY had issues.  And as an adult (more on that in future posts), I could choose to walk away and not allow them to treat me that way anymore.  I had to quit taking in personally (meaning I deserved their nasty treatment; that I'd done something that made them act that way towards me).  And when I felt  I had some control over the situation (let's face it, with Ns, they'll fight you to the death for control, so having a balance of control will never happen), some of the anger and resentment slipped away.

I'm not particularly religious, but I also looked at how forgiveness should effect a future relationship.  Articles I looked at (I wish I had exact links, but I'm not sure if I do) often pointed out that God doesn't just "forget" our sins.  That God expects repentance and change.  That if you keep doing the same thing over and over, that those behaviors are not in the past, but still something you are actively doing in the present.   How can you "forgive" someone who is continuing to behave in the way he says he's sorry for?  How can you "move past" that which is actively occurring?  Fact is, you can't. 

And even if God does forgive, it's not like he just whitewashes it away.  He stores that information in his mind (I assume, not to speak for God), and looks at people as a WHOLE.  Defined by a sum of behaviors.   I believe he looks at if you've made any effort to change or make up for your sins.  

By my thinking if  someone continues to (mostly) treat me poorly, moving away from you is not resentment, bitterness, or anger on my part.  It's accepting them for who they are.  Dangerous people who will hurt me with the right opportunities.  I'm not judging you, I'm just believe you when you show me who you are.    And if God only forgives sins once they've been atoned for, why do I have to be any different?

I began to think that continuing to forgive (ignore the obvious) was only hurting me in my relationships.  I was being bullied and pushed into believing that I was a bad person for not accepting their piss-poor apologies and just moving on.  I had to look at the fact that, despite forgiving people over and over and over, they continued to hurt me. 

I've decided to start defining these terms for myself.  Letting me decide what is kindness, forgiveness, generosity, and good.  Really looking into MYSELF and trying to be the best that I think I can be, instead of always allowing others to determine this for me.  And really, why am I allowing the most emotionally challenged around me define what "healthy, normal, moral" behavior looks like?  I'm not anymore. 

A few last thoughts:

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......” Paul Young

Hope

I wish it could've been different.  I really didn't want to be the one to see it.  No one wanted to be "family" more than me. 

I remember being very devoted to my family as a kid.  Passing up outside opportunities to hang out with them.  I (felt I) loved being with them.  I can now see I was unhealthily enmeshed in my family.

I really, really wanted to like my in-laws.  I remember them being the big, boisterous, fun, loving family I had hoped for.   I wanted to fit in, wanted to belong.  I tried, so, damn hard.

I'm sure that might sound trite.  We can all say we are trying, but we know a lot of people don't mean that.  But I really feel like I tried my ass off.  For God's sake, I went on a 7 hour (round trip! 14 hours total!) road trip, just me and MIL, in a Ford FIESTA!  You ever see a Ford Fiesta?  It's a shoebox on wheels.  I willingly went and  tried to love that woman. 



But what it boiled down to was summed up, here by Anna V on her blog:

"The child is confused and despairing because the more they try to be what they thought was expected of them, the more they are devalued and despised. It is a horrifying experience for a child and probably has caused more than one suicide."  -Anna V

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/02/devalued-and-thrown-on-junk-heap.html


This is the place I was at with both families in my life (although I was technically not a child, I still filled the role of "child" in these families).  No matter how hard I tried, it didn't matter.  In fact, I was hated for trying.  Trying to be honest, trying to deal with things, trying to love them.  Trying to be what they told me I was supposed to be.

But I couldn't ignore, for one more second, the craziness in front of me.  I couldn't pretend one more minute that if I just tried harder it would be better. 

I remember, so vividly, sitting at the dinner with my in-laws.  The dinner that was the ricochet point, at which, my life changed course.  It was sunny, a beautiful day, and I was a barely-contained, simmering pot of anger, anxiety, and stress.

And then my MIL, whom had just rearranged my son's meal onto other people's plate, completely ignoring that the kids had sat for TWO hours waiting to eat, bribing my son with toys so that he will sit by her, chastised my "son" (me) saying "we share in this family" when I put down a boundary about hoarding other people's food, specifically a CHILD's. 

On the way home, I was shaking I was so angry.  DH said "You hate my parents.  Don't you?  You can't hate my parents."  There was a beautiful sunset, my kiddos in the backseat, and I couldn't imagine how I was going to go on in a life where I was the bad guy for "not going along" with craziness.  If I would have to remain muzzled and controlled and jailed for the rest of my life in the prison someone else designed for me. 

I was done. I was ready to "fix" everyone's problem by killing myself.  Clearly, being "perfect" had not done anyone any good.

DH talked me out of it that night.  But in the next few days, during one of my lowest points, a random reference about a narcissistic spouse, on FB (which she later deleted, can't imagine why), by a distant friend, I decided to google "narcissistic".  And the 25 Characteristics of Narcissitic Mother popped up. 

I like to recall this moment as a sort of "tent pole" in my life.  I could never "unsee" from that point on.  I'm not anywhere near where I want to be.  I still suffer a lot of hard days.  But I have hope.  On lots of days. 

Checking In

A couple of months ago, my youngest son decided he wasn't going to nap.  At all.  No quiet time, nothing.  So, there went my blogging time.  That and summer's gotten busy, and I've just had not time to check in.

But, I've been overwhelmed, depressed and thought it a good time to process a few things.  I had been feeling a lot better.  I had been gaining big strides, making lots of progress.  I was experiencing much less anxiety.  I felt stronger and happier than I had in a long time (still not strong, or really all that happy, but I felt better.  I was working hard to remember that I wouldn't be "there" immediately in this process.  )

And then I got tired of dealing with it all.  Some inkling of realization that "this is reality.  They really are these difficult people and I'm really going to have to deal with them, like this, every day forever.  There will be no change, no progress, no "relationship" with them.  Because they are incapable of it.  So, I will now only be "managing" them."  That was a hard thing to come to terms with.  Since the "record plea for peace" NM has been keeping her distance.  Mostly.  That means weekly, sometimes daily, emails or texts.  Often several texts in one day (think like 10).  But mostly she's been quiet.  She did "perk up" when we went on vacation.  I avoided telling her before we left that we were going.  She found out when we were in the middle of it.  Then I got "text me when you get home" and emails about her latest argument with her husband and bugging me to let her know "how things went" and "how is the driving going".  Leave me alone. 

She's been bringing up my sister when she gets a chance.  Just throwing her in.  "Oh, you saw that.  NSIS said this about it."  Or "Oh, you're on vacation?  I just booked tickets to visit (the city Nsis lives in)." (It was a tad more subtle than this, because she linked something we were doing on vacation, to something she will also do in NSIS's town.  None the less, it was pretty obvious her point.) 

My step sister (I have two SS and two SB's -plus spouses- on my mother's side.  We have never had a relationship.  They never really cared to include us - we were on their "turf" as NM tried to "assimilate" us into their life, not vice versa.  They weren't mean, just completely ignored me and NSIS.  This got worse when NSis started acting out in high school and all family members were greatly impacted, including them.) had decided she wanted to do a "family photo shoot" HAHAHAH.  I haven't seen some of these people in YEARS and only communicate through the family Christmas card exchange, despite all living relatively close and having opportunities to see each other.  Once, this particular step sister drove across the state to attend a business conference at the resort I worked at.  It's not a big place and I was easy to find, but she never made it down the staircase to the restaurant to find me.  Anyway, she wanted a family photo shoot to "celebrate" our "parent's marriage".  Again, HAHAHA.  Not only would I have had to take vacation time to accommodate their Sunday afternoon time slot (they all live close and can travel home and back in one day), we would've had to drive 6 hours, each way, and.....BE IN A PICTURE WITH NSIS AND HER SCUZZY BOYFRIEND.  Um, no. 

Why in the world Nm even fantasized this would happen, I don't know.  I haven't spoken to NSIS in two years.  What, would we just show up and throw our arm's around each other?  The ultimate "pretend" game?  I'm sure NM thought....hoped... that we would be the reason to "finally come together" and she could take credit for the reconciliation.  But, at the same time, NM kept saying how ridiculous she thought the photo was (she dislikes SS and was angry that SS didn't think about "her children" when planning the photo.  That it's "all about SS".)

Anyway, I refused to go.  I was very proud of myself, as I didn't JADE (much).  In any course, I stayed emotionally neutral.  Even when NM pointed out that "NSIS's boyfriend is insisting they come.  He thinks it's important to support me."  HAHAHAHAH!  Oh yeah, the physically abusive, freaky boyfriend, wants to support you?  Good for you.  (And for the record, NM booked her vacation to see NSIS the weekend before the shoot was supposed to happen.  So, I know they are not going.  I'm not surprised.  NSIS hasn't been back to my mother's home in 6- SIX- years.)

So, that was that.  All this came up at my youngest son's birthday.  On that note, the party went well.  I invited people OUTSIDE of the family, and what do you know, it was mostly pleasant ;).

NM did try some of her bullshit.  We had an incident in February, in which she watched my sons for a half hour while I went out for a walk.  Later that night, NM laughingly told me, "Don't tell OS, but he knocked over  a lamp today.  I accidently showed him some of your gifts for him when getting a new light bulb for the lamp.  I told him, if he didn't tell on me to you, I wouldn't tell on him."  She told me this laughingly and thought it was hysterical.  I was sickened.  That she would BLACK MAIL my son, and then make him think he was doing a favor was disgusting.  That she would convince him that lying to me - and lying in general - was OK, as long as you don't get caught, is so messed up.  I told her in no uncertain terms that she couldn't pull that bullshit with my kid.  There was of course, retaliation for that for me, but that's another story.

Anyway, she told me "I'll babysit, and I promise, we won't have a lamp incident."  I didn't think it was funny.

She took my MIL's side several times when I was discussing some of the things that MIL had been doing to me.  She even made sure to spend extra time "bonding" (her word) with MIL and discussing getting together to "hang out" for the weekend.  Clearly, she's trying to hurt my feelings.  Completely dismissing what I've said about MIL and believing MIL is a "good person". (also despite what she's said and seen of MIL in the past.  She's only a fan of MIL when she's angry with me.)

She was OK with the kids.  She wasn't too obnoxious, except for a DAYS long pat on the back for putting my son to bed.  Making sure to retell all of the wonderful things she did to get him to sleep.  (The implication is that she was a hero for doing something I couldn't or wouldn't do.  Or that she was "saving me" from doing.)  I ignored this.

She did pick a huge political argument, although she let step father do most of the actually arguing.  She just sat, kicking my stepfather under the table and rolling her eyes whenever I was speaking (I was turned away from her, DH told me about this later.)  She's just brimming under her cool, controlled, icy exterior to get at me, it seems.  Wanting so badly to put me in my place, but being unable to and not wanting to blow her cover. 

So, aside from that, it's been quiet around her when it comes to her.  Aside from that.  It's kind of crazy to write all of that down and then think about how this is her, on "mellow".  That she's often been a lot worse (or maybe I've handled it a lot more poorly?)

SIL and BIL haven't been around much.  They're busy crafting a new personality (new looks, new attitudes, new friends.  Aside from narcissism, they seem to be having a mid-life crisis).    Even friends of their's have been complaining about them to DH about how they've just "dumped" everyone and moved on.  BUT, at least they are out of my hair for awhile.

No news on the NSIS front.  She occasional leaves a comment on my FB photos.  Or likes random comments I put up.  I'm guessing that's more to keep me on my toes.  There is no rhyme or reason.  Or maybe that's how I "appear" in her mind; random notes that float in and out of her consciousness.  I doubt she thinks about me and our situation nearly as much as I think about her.

The in-laws.   Well, I haven't seen them a lot.  That helps.  I did have an incident that triggered a bunch of feelings that  I will write about in my next post.  I've really been able to clarify my understanding of the dynamics in DH's family.  Not that the understanding helps much.  Sometimes I feel still stuck in the same trap of dysfunction with them.  No matter how much progress I make.  DH can SEE everything, but hasn't bothered to fully un-enmesh with them.  He keeps saying "yes, I see how they are, but they are family and we have to be around the."  I'm trying to get him to see that being around them doesn't mean putting up with their bullshit.  Peace at all cost.  I feel like, if I say I don't like something and they can't handle it and blow up at me, that's on THEM.  He seems to feel the opposite. 

In addition, here are a few highlights:

MIL planned a birthday party for FIL.  She is notoriously horrible at this stuff (she CAN NOT communicate with vendors and always has issues. )  She is scattered and disorganized (at a party, serving alcohol, she had NO water for people.  And nothing other than soda for the kids - she knows my kids don't drink soda, it's actually DH's rule).  She attempted several times to get DH to take over.  Thankfully, he wiggled out.  The party was OK (she avoided me) but the next day we got a lot of pressure to stop by.  When we did (I knew we were going, but DH kept telling me we weren't....and then that morning breakfast plans got cancelled and we had to go over there), I refused to go in the house because of the dog.  It was a chilly day, but not horrible, but FIL kept complaining he had to come outside (the kids were playing outside too, but he didn't care). 

At the party, my MIL got all three kids cake, except my youngest (he wasn't right by them, but close.  And she's always pushing food on the other kids.  And there was only four kids, her grandkids, so it was odd she left him out.)  She also gave the three other kids the sportsball magnets off the cake and left out my son (he's the littlest, but only by six months than his cousin.)  Again, he wasn't right there, but I think it's unfair to give all the kids one, and not him just because he wasn't standing there.  (I'd say it was coincidence too, but last summer, she gave a NEW toy to my OS - her golden boy- and nothing to my younger son - who was 2, small, but not small enough to be excluded.)

The day after the party, MIL shoved a bag of clothes she had bought for my sons (and not at HER son, who was beside her.  I'm guessing I was supposed to be thankful and give her a "point.")  True to form, most of it was unattractive.  But the kicker was that the stuff for my son was for an infant.  He was a month from THREE at the time.  But she'd bought him 12-18 months cloths.  As she shoved them at me, she told me how "cute they were"  and "such a good deal".  Way to toot your own horn MIL.

As I've written before, BIL and SIL planned a "family vacation" with MIL and FIL over the weekend of my younger son's birthday.  Nobody bothered to tell us (we all know when the parties will be each year and MIL and FIL make a big deal about being invited).    DH found out by accident.  MIL called weeks before the party, in a panic (we had purposely not told her when we scheduled it, by misfortunate, it had to be the day after they got back and they would be able to attend.) saying they would "change their flights".  Yeah, right.  Such a martyr move (I'll change my flight to come!!!!  How about just offering up a fucking apology, lady?)  She then asks DH for ideas for gifts, and is taken a back when we say we've given out all of our ideas already.

The day of the party, MIL and FIL are FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATE.  I can't help but notice there absence.  And I must say I was a bit gleeful.  Finally, the f-ers were getting CAUGHT.   MIL spoke little to me but, hoofed off (she waddles like one of those "Weeble-Waddle" people when she walksand bustles past people a lot.  Huge boobs out, charging forward.) Later, as I drove home with NM, she commented on MIL being late and explained that MIL had been lost.  LIE!  MIL had just been to the party place a few months before.  It's not hard to find and it's a small area between three major roads.  So, she had to call BIL to "give her directions" (she is such a child, that she often expects her son's to help her figure out how to get places.)  And besides, 45 minutes for lost?  I live in a fairly small town, which MIL comes to about 20 weekends a year.  Anyway, MIL does not speak to me the entire time.  She continues to waddle-bustle past me, always in a "hurry".  The gift she brings for my SON, is wrapped in girly-pink wrapping paper (not that I'm all about gender appropriate, but it just so clearly showed how little she gives a shit about my son.)  DH later told me that she had explained to him that, not only were they lost, but that FIL had so busy setting up the camp trailer (they had decided to camp outside my town.) that they lost track of time.  I'm not sure wtf she was doing that impaired her from telling time, but it was all FIL's fault.  So, she LIED to my mother, covered her ass and blamed FIL (with a shifty explanation in my book) , and actually admitted, that yes, they were late due to their own poor planning.  And I didn't get an apology or an explanation at all.

She also gave both my kids money for their piggy bank.  The older son, whose not even the birthday boy, got MORE.

The next day, she and FIL come to my kids game (which the "luckily" could come to when we told them about it last minute.  They'd had the schedule of all the other games, but couldn't make those.  Not coincidentally, it was also DH's birthday.  I'm sure I was expected to invite them over afterwards, but I'd had my fill.  This is when NM decide to swoop in and "bond" with MIL, ignoring my kids' pleas to come home and play, and instead hanging out with MIL in the parking lot for half an hour.)  FIL, who is a mostly nice guy, guffawed and made jokes about the kids (5 year olds.).  It wasn't wholly in appropriate (not man jokes) but I still thought not OK.    MIL didn't talk to me the whole game, not say hi.  (I'm guessing she felt shame for not showing up at the party on time.  So, instead of apologizing and move on, she decides to be nervous and tense and act weird.)  She did manage to yell "TAG YOUR BASE" at my son (none of yell at the kids.  They are little, very little.)  I was glad they were away from me.

So, that was months ago, and I've had some peace and quiet.  After next weekend, I'll have a few more weeks of peace.  However, some issues have really clarified in my mind about my in-laws and I'll explore them in my next post.

Disconnected

I'm feeling ungrounded lately.  Our of sorts and cranky.  Thoughts and feelings and emotions are swirling around like leaves in a hurricane.  I can't seem to grasp any of them long enough to make sense of them. 

I'm tired, overwhelmed, and lonely.

Making new friends had been hard.  I'm trying.  I've been sorting out friends.  Figuring out who to let go, who to keep.  Realizing that not all friends have to be everything.  Learning to be more patient and less needy.  I'm not really good at that.  I have so few people I can count on that I overwhelm the people that I do have.  I'm feeling horrible lonely.  Mainly because I feel so disconnected.  So on the outside, looking in. 

NM, I've realized, relies on me WAY too much to "fill" her up.  She expects me to be her best friend, therapist, and sounding board all in one.  The woman contacts me almost every day, often several times a day.  She doesn't call (I've written about this, but two years ago I told her that I couldn't spend as much time on the phone.  She quit calling and so I enjoyed the peace and quiet.  And it's been this way every since.  I know she is now PURPOSELY not calling me to make a point: you don't call me, I won't call you.  Fine.)  BUT, I get text messages and FB messages and emails.  And when I don't respond immediately she puts out a search party.  Seriously.  A few weeks back we went away for the weekend.  Her messages got increasingly frantic.  In the past, when she can't get a hold of me, she's called my father, my in-laws, searching for me.  It was very embarrassing.  She's called my sister's co-workers.  I always used to "check in" so she wouldn't "worry".  But I felt controlled and infantilized.  So, I quit.  But, when she can't get a hold of me on any given day, she panics.  It sucks.  And it makes me feel tethered  to responding.

And I know it isn't because she's really worried....about me....she just loves to be worried.  And she's bored. 

I think about all of the people she has in her life.  Just today, she posted a truism on FB about sisters and said how much she loves her sisters.  Good for her.  Then lean on them too.  Quit making me be EVERYTHING to her.  And the truth is, I know their relationship isn't great.  Some of that is her fault, some theirs, but it could be better.  How about her  "soul mate" husband?  How about my sister whom she has a "close" relationship with?  She also has step daughters and step daughters-in-law, some of who have made an effort to get closer to her.  And my step father's aunt wants to hang out more too.  She seems to have WAY more family interested in her than I do in me.  Yet, there she is demanding my time.   I have little to no support.  And it pisses me off how much she depends on me.  Expects me just to be there when ever she texts her fucking pictures documenting her day. 

My youngest's birthday is coming up and their will be the yearly drama.  I hate that this celebration has to be tinged with negativity.  And a lot of that negativity is on my part.  I wish I was stronger and that I could let this all not get to me.  That I could look forward to the celebration and ignore all of the drama mongering. 

I'm anticipating an attack from NM.  She's been acting weird for the past few months.  And then, she posted lots of "my mom the saint" paragraphs on FB (her mom was a grade A narc).   Then, she pulled shit about trying to get my sister and I back together (so she could be the "hero").  Then, she posted pictures of her and my kids together and talked about how much she couldn't wait to see them.  When I couldn't take anymore, I quit responding to 90% of her texts/emails/ posts.  In her eye-for-an-eye mentality, she has quit "liking" any of my pictures.  While I could care less, it is a HUGE red flag that a storm is brewing.  This is a woman who routinely goes through all my pictures a million times and comments and "likes" everything.  She's up to something. 

My oldest finished preschool and is on to kindergarten.  While I'm so happy to see him grown, and I don't want to hold him back, it's painful to think how quickly the time has gone.   I just wish he could spend a little more time being little.  More time being all of the things. 


I'm angry that I spend so much time working through all of this.  I'm angry that it makes me angry and grouchy and that I haven't always been a great mom to my kids.  That time is flying and I don't know if I've enjoyed/appreciated/been present enough in my kids' lives.  That it is so hard to "heal" me while trying to be a good parent for my kids.   It can all be so exhausting and emotionally I can be raw.  And then somebody spills something or won't nap or I haven't slept in a week because someone is sick.  Time has gone SO fast and I haven't been nearly the mom I want to be.  I don't want to cling and hold onto my children, but I do realize sometimes that I don't have many other people in my life.  I don't want to make them the center of my life and overburden them, but I want to enjoy them and fully immerse myself in my family.  It's a hard line to walk. 

I want to be happier and more in the moment and able to ignore all of this shit.  I want to be able to enjoy my kids, be present, and not let the outside weigh on me.  I want to make the best of the relationship I have with my kids and not let the problems I have interfere and strain us.  I want them to have extended family and people who care about them.  Which, let's face it, they didn't have anyway.  My in-laws are supposed to "love" and "care" so much and everyone buys into the fantasy of a happy family, but no one is really there for anyone.  They couldn't even think about their grandson on his birthday and make him a priority. 

Then, you add all the other stressors of life.  Working on your marriage.  Worrying about money.  Thinking about how old I am and how old I'm getting.  (I know, I'm not THAT old, but it still just seems to go SO DAMN FAST.)   I'm trying to make friends.  My grandmother is very sick (but in true dysfunctional family fashion, I'm struggling to get information from anyone.)  I'm sad about that and her (very possible) death soon is bringing up all kinds of memories.  And the issues with my sister (who is always hovering on the periphery it seems) hang over my head too.  There was no finality to our relationship, so it just sits there.  But as  I look back at the extreme fucked-up-ness of our relationship, I don't even know where to begin to fix it.  And it doesn't help that she isn't interested in "fixing" it, but that I just be who she remembers me being.  That's like telling the chicken to get back in the egg.  Even if I wanted to, I'll never be that person again. 

It's just been one little thing piled on after another.

I'm feeling very much like throwing a tantrum on the floor sometimes.  Kicking and screaming that it isn't fair.  That it isn't fair that I have so few people to depend on and am so lonely.  Screaming that I can't deal with it all.  That I'm overwhelmed and tired and just plain sad.  I want to let the tears stream down my face but that's hard to do when you've got two kiddos running around.  I don't want to scare them. 

And now, I need to put down the laptop, get my ass off the couch, and get back to work.  There are clothes to fold, and laundry to do, and party favors to prepare.  There is no time for a tantrum.