Something keeps bothering me about the "Dust up" as Q calls it. It has to do with compassion. And it is something I've wrestled with as I move forward in my healing.
What role does compassion, empathy, and sympathy have in dealing with narcs?
Are we able to have any compassion for the narcs in our life? Is having empathy, on level, only opening us up to attack? I know they view this as a weakness. I know they see empathy as a pathway to destruction They use and abuse our empathy for their own exploits. But as someone pointed out, empathy is one of our greatest attributes as humans. Mercy, compassion, and empathy help define us and separate us as people. When we loose our empathy, do we no longer regard our fellow man with humanity but rather as a mere object. To remove our empathy, do we then no longer see the emotions of the "others", force ourselves to not see their emotions, and possibly, maybe slide down a slippery slope to becoming them?
I ask because empathy is important to me. It is a trait in myself I have always valued. I want to be empathetic to extend human kindness for the sake of humanity. I want peace. Naive and over simplistic as that may be, I refuse to give up my empathy for anyone. I refuse to not allow anyone the rights of human dignity. I've always believed in due process. I've always believed in maintaining a place, where if the person is humbled and sorry enough, that I will allow them hope of redemption. I want to forgive. I do not want to hate. I do not want to judge other than what is necessary to maintain my safety and that of others.
But where does that fit in with a narcissist? Is allowing any empathy (even if it is only in our own hearts) opening us up to harm? Can you maintain empathy for them as a human being, while keeping safe distance?
Good post Jessie. If our own boundaries are reasonably intact, I think we need to maintain our ability to empathize, even with people who hurt us, until and unless they show themselves to be irredeemable repeat offenders. In my universe, the first default position should and will be compassion. Until and unless I see that it is useless and harmful to me.
ReplyDeleteThat said, your mother doesn't deserve any more compassion from you!! I mean it!!
Yes. Empathize with the disordered in the comfort of your living room, while they stalk the floor cursing you and the ground under their feet in theirs.
ReplyDeleteVery well said.
DeleteMy counselor told me he didn't want me to lose being a kind-hearted person, but I needed to learn how to protect my heart. My sister uses fences and gates to describe protecting herself and deciding who to let in. I use castles and drawbridges. I decide who to keep out and who to allow in. It takes practice. I had to learn that my empathy didn't mean anything to the Ns because they didn't feel like I do. My NM tells me she loves me, and I think in her way she does, but her definition of love isn't the same as mine. Hers isn't healthy; it changes with what she wants. I feel sorry for her. I don't wish her ill. When she fell, I helped her up. Yes, you can maintain your empathy and stay safe, but it takes establishing healthy boundaries and maintaining them.
ReplyDeleteThanks Judy. I particularily like this statement: "I had to learn that my empathy didn't mean anything to the Ns because they didn't feel like I do". This really struck me, because no matter what I do, my family doesn't feel like I'm there enough for them. They require full on productions with crying and hysterics, and me curled in a ball, in order to feel like I "feel" for them. If I continue on with my life, than I "obviously" don't care enough.
DeleteHi Jess,
ReplyDeleteThese are all valid questions. I went back to the book I mention to you about safe people and I found these points interesting. See what you think.
What I am quoting is directly from the book:
"Unsafe people only apologise instead of changing their behaviour. People who apologise quickly may act like they're are sorry, but they're really leading someone on. They may say all the words, and some are taken in by their tears and "sorrow". But in reality they are more sorry about getting caught. They do not change, and the future will be exactly like the past.
There is a qualitative change that is visible in people of repentance that does not have to do with guilt, getting caught, or trying to get someone off their back. Sometimes, when someone is "caught" he will repent and change, but that repentance can only be tested over time."
I think that's the key isn't it? Not just to apologise but to back up the words by actions.
Thanks Kara.
DeleteI think I always lead my treatment of others with empathy. I'm not sure anyone isn't feeling empathy for Charity -- just no tolerance for her behavior. I think there's a difference. I wish her health and happiness, but I don't have to be involved with her.
ReplyDeleteHey VR, thanks for the comments. I didn't mean to imply that any one else wasn't feeling compassion or empathy. It was something I was really struggling with (and struggle with with my family). Like my sister, for instance. She has a serious medical condition (so I've been told) but has handled the communication about this illness poorly. Her treatment of me during this past month has been immature and she has expected me to rush to her side, although she won't necessarily respond when I do rush to her side. So, while I am sorry for her situation, I feel like my empathy for her is setting me up to be used. With Charity, I instantly felt empathy. And I think my empathy clouded my vision of what was actually going on.
DeleteIt's just something I've struggled with through this process, and my own reaction during this incident really brought this topic around again for me.
My parents always used my natural empathy against me and now it's broken. I can put myself in someone's shoes to a limited extent, then the empathy just shuts off. The dust-up gave me the same feeling as I'd get when I'd catch my dad gaslighting me. Wah-wah-wahhhh.
DeleteHi Jesse, here I am a few days late as usual!
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, this empathy post is interesting. Like Bess mentioned above, most narcissists, sociopaths see our empathy as a way to exploit and hurt us. Unless someone asks for forgivenss, I have none for them. Even then they have to prove it. Recently I've been able to reduce the anger towards my mother by using my empathy. I imagine what her life is "really" like, and how truly loveless and cold it is, and I can let go somewhat. In no way do I forgive her. Unlike you, I am in a no contact situation, which was essential for me. Empathy is different than 'setting yourself up to be abused', which is what we do when we allow narcissists in to close.
I don't think I would equate empathy for forgiveness, although I do believe that both of these emotions are more for me than for the other person. As for forgiveness, one person once wrote (I'm sorry I can't recall exactly who at the time) that forgiveness means working through my own emotions about an incident so I can let it go. It in no way means that I excuse what they did or "forget" about it. It means that I'm done feeling angry or hurt about it and not wasting time thinking about the incident anymore, although it will, most likely, forever change my interaction with that person in the future.
DeleteAs far as empathy, well empathy is something I want to be. I never want to be someone who looses my ability to respect and appreciate another's human dignity and suffering. Again, that does not mean that I excuse, condone, or even forgive other's hurtful behaviors. I guess for me, it allows me to not feel I have to retaliate or attack back. It allows me to not take someone's nasty behavior so personally, and realize it's about their issues, not me. It is one of the defining things that, I think, keeps me from being one of the narcs.