My Weekend in the Narc Hood Part 2

Ok, so here is the second thing I was working around this weekend.  This side involves the in-laws.

As I've said before, fall is a time when my in-laws come to my city every weekend or two.   It often is stressful for me and I'm often waiting for the "pop in" visits that inevitably happen.

A little background (some may be review for readers who've been around awhile with me):  DH has three younger brothers, two of which are married.   His family is very enmeshed.   The youngest brother rarely visits or makes contact.  Middle brother lives a distance away but shows up every once and awhile (always specifically for these sporting event weekends).  Brother immediately younger than DH and his wife life less than five miles away.  DH and this brother (I'll call him BIL2) are close, by their own description.

BIL2 and his wife SIL2 are very spoiled, entitled people.  They have always expected lots of help (financial and otherwise) from their parents.  They believe they are entitled to being taken care of.  They dish their children off frequently on the grandparents and a lot of the parenting is done as a "co-op" with the grandparents (none of whom permanently live with the BIL/SIL2, but all of whom have lived with them for the last four years.)  BIL and SIL, in my opinion, miss their pre-children years and often feel they are burdened with the responsibility.    They are competitive and jealous.  These behaviors often seem directed at us.  SIL, in particular does not like to share the spotlight.  She raced me down the aisle and raced to get pregnant before me (her decision to have a baby had nothing to do with my decision to have a family).  She wants to be the golden BIL/SIL and actively campaigns to be such.   She also wants her children to be the most important and I often feel that she pushes her kids on the grandparents to take attention away from my kids.   She wants to be the prettiest, smartest, wealthiest, most admired person in the group.   She is the type of person who always wants to project the image of being a nice, helpful, friendly person, but it's always for image sake and never due to true caring or concern.   BIL is also very concerned with everyone thinking he is Mr. All-American Nice Guy.  It is important for him to see him as friendly and wonderful.  I could go into specifics as to why these are my perceptions of them, but that is a whole other post.  I've avoided discussing them in detail in the past, as I'm afraid of recognition (SIL would be the one to find my blog).  Needless to say, I feel these two are very self-absorbed.  They have thrown me, DH, and our kids under the bus a million times when it suited their purposes.  (One quick example:  We invited them over for a BBQ on Fourth of July in the evening.  Once we had eaten, BIL announces that they had gotten an invitation to another party and were leaving.   No thanks for the dinner.  No, I'm so sorry, but we need to go.   Something better had come along and he was ready to bail right after he ate the meal I had cooked for him.  He didn't see anything wrong with it.)  BIL and SIL were also the pair who made the drama at my son's recent birthday party.  Since this incident, I've seen BIL several more times.  I has actively IGNORED me and avoided me.  Apparently, me being unhappy that he upstaged my son and really not participating in the party at all, is reason to shun me and avoid me (read: I'm to blame for not letting it go).   This BIL also gets into the middle of our relationships with the other brothers.  He has called DH, telling him he is a bad family member for not letting BIL3 stay at our house (BIL3 wanted to just drop in and stay, treating us like a hotel.  DH said no, as it wasn't an OK time for us).  We are expected to allow DH's brothers needs and wants come before our own.   BIL and SIL blow us off at a moments notice, never show up on time when meeting us, invite themselves to our home, and expect us to be OK with it...because we're family.  I have not been invited to BIL and SIL's house in two and a half years (again, they live five minutes from us.)  The rest of the family has.  SIL has suggested that I'm judgmental about her cleaning skills and the state of her home.  This is pure projection on her part and is more related to the fact that, unless she can portray herself as perfect, she chooses to avoid us (she seems to feel superior to the other family members and there fore doesn't need to "impress" them or "compete" with them.)  In the recent past, it has come to light that the image she had tried to portray to DH and me (perfect housewife, corporate superstar, perfect mom, perfect everything) is only an image.

So, this past weekend BIL3 and his wife came into town for a sporting event.  MIL and FIL always drop off their dog at BIL2's house during the game, so I assume they all met up there after the game, if not before.  Many times all of the brothers (except us) and MIL/FIL have met up and hung out at  BIL3's house without us.  The next day, I assumed everyone had gone home.  DH had tried to get a hold of both of his brothers all day and no one had returned his call.  At around 5 p.m.  BIL2 calls and says "hey, we are heading out of town.  Do you want us to swing by?"  DH asks were the hell BIL2 is right now.  BIL2 says the whole family is down having dinner together.  Once again, we were not invited.   DH is furious.  It is such a slap in the face to him.  Not only are we being left out, but we are going to be the "pitstop", as DH put it, on their way out of town.  They had all day they could've called us.  They had no plans that day.  They did nothing except watch sports and shop.  DH told BIL2 no.  He tells him that he's angry.  He tells him that they've discussed this before.  That calling two minutes before you want to stop by is not "calling ahead".  He tells him that treating us like an after thought is unacceptable.   My heart hurt for DH.  This process, coming to terms with reality, has been hard for both of us.   I can see him seeing the reality of the situation.

But part of me was SO PROUD of him for finally standing up to them.   Two years ago, MIL and FIL called us wanting to see us.  They too had spent the entire weekend in town, and when it was convenient for THEM (after they went to dinner with friends, went to a sporting event, spent time with the other brother) they called and expected us to drop everything because they wanted to see our new home.   We arranged a time and met them.  During the visit, MIL is gushing about the great BBQ they all have planned for the evening.  The brothers are all getting together with them at BIL's house.   One brother (a chef) is creating a feast.  Guess who wasn't invited?!  And you'd think she would've had the tact to not rub it in my face.   How nice of the "whole family" to get together.  Without us.  I can't tell you how many times this has happened.  How many times they've cast us aside because it didn't fit their personal agenda (hey, we can't come over and see the baby because we slept in.  So we are coming this afternoon instead--Note, no one asked us if that was OK.  It was just an assumption.).

They ignore our kids unless it's important to them.  The accuse us of not being part of the family enough.  They act like we isolate ourselves from family gatherings at my in-laws house, when the truth is I'm deathly allergic to the five dogs they have in the house.   They wax poetic that the cousins don't get together enough.  But when we suggest outings, they are late or change the plans or cancel.  They leave us out of things.  The act entitled to our home, our money, and our time.  And we are accused of being bad people if we don't roll over and let them take whatever they want.   BIL and SIL project that they are always taking on the family, letting family stay, doing all for the family.  But the truth is, they ASK family to stay because they like having a house full of people all the time (I suspect they bore each other.)  When we have taken a family member, they call all the time wanting to know what the plans are and to get together.  When the we arranged two recent outings for the grandparents to have time with my kids (because I'm apparently stingy with them), BIL and SIL roped the grandparents into babysitting for half of the time.   They also seem to forget that for the 7 years I lived here before SIL and BIL lived here, I threw all the parties and get togethers.  I hosted everyone in my home.  I cooked meals and had people stay.  And I never got as much as a thank you for it.  No one brought anything.  No one helped clean up.  In fact, BIL3 treated my home like his personal grocery store claiming he should've grabbed food from my house instead of having to pay for it at the sporting event.  I don't mind sharing.  I don't like feeling used.  Everything is expected an nothing is appreciated.

This weekend didn't surprise me that much.  We are an afterthought.  I've always felt that.  Hey, if your here, great!  If not, we don't miss you!  It makes me sad for DH.  It makes me sad that they only value him for what he can provide for them.  It makes me sad that not one of them, ever, reaches out to check on him.  It's hard watching him finally see the reality of what his family is.  They are not the perfect All-American family they like to believe.  It's harder watching him see his reality than it is coming to terms with my reality.

As I look at all the Holiday decorations go out in the stores, I'm so sad.  I think my fantasy about family gatherings and holidays full of family and togetherness is dashed.  I know my kids will never have that big family feeling, despite being in a big family.  I wish we could have those get togethers and holiday meals.  I wish that there was support and concern for my kids.  I wish that I felt like they were as loved as much as everyone claims they love them.  I wish that when we are in the hospital with one, someone would reach out and ask how they could help (and not want to be there so they can be a part of "drama").  Even if I did throw meals, I'd be treated like the maid and the cook and not a treasured family member who was opening her home to them.  There wouldn't be connectedness.  It would only make me feel more separated and lonely than I already do.