OK, first and foremost, I'm guessing everyone is sick and tired of this whole Charity thing. I know I am. So, although I am going to reference her in this post, the post is about ME and not her. My failings, what I didn't see, my processing of the event. (And if you are sick of all of this, just skip this post).
Also, I wanted to provide a little update for those of you who may be wondering about things. My NM did show up last week for the event, begrudgingly. There was lots of moaning and production and sympathy pleas. But she did show up. I'm not really giving her credit for that, as much as I'm given myself credit for holding her accountable to her word. She was relatively well-behaved. Or maybe I just didn't care as much about her little pleas for sympathy.
My sister with the medical condition is still, somewhat MIA. She apparently has been in treatment for this very serious medical illness. However, information is sporadic and, often, unreliable. I've been told she has run the course of the treatment and that, upon further tests, things seem to look good (but there is still more to run...I mean, a narc can't TOTALLY let the drama fall away.) Anyway, I got a brief and odd text from my sister last week. The timing was suspicious and the method in which she addressed me seemed to be a disarming move. To my credit, I choose not to rush to answer her. She had asked about my holiday plans and said I was welcome to email back. I used the "medium chill" technique, suggested by fellow blogger Kara, and wrote a quick and to the point message late last week. I've yet to hear from her.
Now onto the Blogger Incident. This thing really messed with my mind. After a long summer of being relatively narc free, I had felt I was stronger. Then mid-August rolled around and it seemed I was being stormed by narcs from every angle. Lots and lots of fucked up and crazy-making and just plain stressful things happened. Last week, I felt exhausted. Like I'd been in a marathon battle. I felt I really need to address some of my painful memories. I felt like I need to "clean house" so to speak. I am very closed and private in my non-blog life. I wanted to be open with myself and really, for maybe the first time, process and feel my emotions about the suicidal moments from my past. I wanted to write and feel purged of those repressed feelings. I wanted to admit to myself that I'd been week and a coward in my choices. I had worried about what other bloggers would think. I was not in a current state of suicidal thoughts, and I needed to really process why I had gotten to that place. Because, as I said in the blog, I never really wanted to die. I had just felt so blamed, so dumped on, so accused. I was at the end of my rope and had felt that, after all I'd tried, I was in the same damn spot I'd started in. Feeling like I had to bend over and compromise myself, or figure a way out. I felt like a burden to those around me. I have not ever admitted to anyone, save my DH, about my suicidal thoughts. I needed to fess up so to speak to my own blog.
And that was the state of mind I was in when the Incident occurred. I found her blog post first. Up until this point, I had found Charity to be eccentric. A bit intense. A bit over the top. She seemed very desperate to fit in. Maybe this was my first red flag. However, I dismissed it. Who the hell was I to determine how she needed to be in this community. Several weeks back I had actually had thoughts about the community. How we all take each other with a bit of faith and trust, not easy for any of us to do. How we often open ourselves up in ways we wouldn't, or couldn't with even those closest to us. I've gotten a few weird emails, my computer got hacked, and I wondered if this community laid me out for con artists. You know, someone who would pose as an ACoN to win our trust, find out information on us (our real names, etc.) and use that to hurt us. I never, ever dreamed someone would do it for narc supply. And really, I dismissed anyone would do it all. I thought, man, that'd sure be a hell of a lot of work to make all this shit up. Create a persona, write a blog, spend hours reading and commenting. I never thought of it again.
When I saw Charity's post, my first knee-jerk reaction was to rush into to soothe everyone. That's my m.o. When their is crisis, or conflict, rush in to see what I can do. First lesson for me in this: it is not my job to rush in. And I need to look around and protect myself a bit before I rush in. I started commenting every which way until Sunday on the posts. I didn't think before I spoke. I wanted to be helpful. I didn't allow myself time to process any of it. My first reaction to Charity was to believe her. I really had no reason (that I had thought of at the time) to not believe her. I was heartbroken for Upsi, but I really felt this woman, who had been so desperate to be a part of our community, and was a part of our community, would inspire more empathy. To me, she seemed on the brink, and I was afraid for her. I was a bit shocked when some people headed for the hills away from her (and rightfully so). It set me on a tailspin and I really had to do some serious thinking about everything. Had I missed the signs? Was I a moronic fool? I thought "all this hard work I've done, all this change in me, and I got fucking duped again? WTF?!"
And sigh. I think the signs were there. Many have been pointed out by others. Here are a few more I found on closer inspection. Red flag #1: She signed the original comment anonymously. Judy (and later Q) pointed out that this was huge. And it was. If she was that effed up on cold meds, how did she have the where with all to be so sneaky about it? And if she really felt her thoughts were valid (although presented in a shitty way, as she stated) why did she own up to it? I mean really, we all are "anonymous" here, but she felt to be even more covert. BIG RED FLAG. Red Flag #2: She didn't own up to it right away. Not OK. And she did it in such a public, dramatic, extreme form. Red Flag #3: Charity had always seemed dramatic and over the top. I also found her blog to be a bit "showy" for lack of a better word. And recently she had kind of amped it up. She made several comments on my blog that she had (in a separate incident) mistaken her husband's medicine. Which makes the new medicine debacle seem ridiculous. And ironically, my NM has also used this "medication side effect" b.s. on me with in the last week. I guess great minds think a like huh? It seems as I look back, she was setting up the scene. Like stage dressing. I thought it was weird, but again, let it go, although I took a step back then. She seemed crazy, but I'm used to crazy. I think I'm desensitized to crazy. Red Flag #4: I found this as the title of a latest post of hers: "Will The ACoN Who Had The Most Painful Childhood and the Worst Narcissistic Parent(s) Please Raise Your Hand?" I hadn't thought too much about it, because the post really had little to do with the title. But man, doesn't this strike you as a big ole red flag? Red Flag #5: I remembered her posting one time about feeling invalidated because people were not responding to her comments. She said she understood, that people are busy, but it was clear that she felt slighted by this. I dismissed this, again, as someone desperate to fit in. I believe I was wrong. I believe, looking back, that she had been setting up this little stunt for quite some time. Or at the very least, had had some growing resentment, and finally the damn burst. She choose Upsi, because her jealousy got the best of her. Jealous of Upsi's "ACoN glory, as she called it. But while she targeted Upsi, she was actually trying to level an attack at all of us for not validating her enough. Removing us all from her blog roll was weird. Putting Upsi on her "blog sites recommended" was weird. I mean, if you are in this emotional, horrible state over what you've done, why do you stop to "redecorate" your blog?
I wanted to feel for this woman. I wanted to believe that she had stumbled and we could lift her back to the right path. I was WRONG. I missed the signs. The one once of slack I'll give myself had to do with this: She had one particular "identifying marker" that I associated with my mother (and no, it was not the damn hair, or her grey eyes...which by the way, she did focus a lot on her looks. Oops, another flag I missed). I think I transferred some of my feelings about my mother to her (or vice versa). Somewhere, I think she represented hope to me that my mother might finally see the light. I know that I had linked them in my mind.
I also felt afraid, because I worried that everyone else might think I was crazy too. Finding out how many people had crazy feelings towards, started my age old worry of "Do they think I'm crazy too?" "What do they think of me?" I felt afraid that if someone found me to weird, they would distance from me too. This community has been a lifeline to me. It has pulled me back from the brink, in many ways. This incident made me feel shaky and scared and afraid of my place. It made me wonder if I had shared too much or looked like a fool. As I've never been this vulnerable and open with other people, I suddenly wondered if I'd made a mistake in opening myself up. Lots and lots of things for me to work on, I've found.
And in the end, I've learned I have a long way to go. I didn't think I was at the end of my journey, but I was a bit shocked to see that I'd only reached a small hill, and that once over it, the road stretches on for many more miles. My narc radar is pretty bad and needs repair. I'm a sucker for a good sob story. I see the emotions and miss the content. I saw the crazy and ran towards it, instead of away. Lots to think about.
The Charities of the world are few and far between. There are personality disordered people every where, but the ones that invade the scene and blend in long enough to start havoc are not that common.
ReplyDeleteWhat I want to know, and I want to know this about my mother too, is:
1) do they know how effing crazy they are?
2) would they ever acknowledge it if I call them on it?
Where I am now I would say that they know they are humming along at a higher pitch than the rest of us, but they feel they are entitled to it. They want what they want and they expect someone else to give it to them. Once Charity got some acceptance she was like bamboo and started choking people out.
What sucks is we will never know how planned their actions are. I think they just play it as it comes and do what causes the greatest distress for others at each juncture. Confronting them gets you complete denial. The alternative is to listen and watch and try and connect the dots. But I will always have reasonable doubt about them having a well thought out plan because without hearing it from them, I can't accept that kind of premeditated crazy from anybody.
You know, I doubt they ever really "lay out a plan". But I do think they start "stashing supplies" along the way in case of an "emergency". You know? My husband used to always say that her felt my NSis and NM really thought about what they did. I had such a hard time with that. I always thought it was less premeditated. But, as my experience has gained through the years, I am starting to believe differently. My NM, on several occasions, has flat told me that she has held onto things, waiting to extract revenge. My jaw hit the floor. It never, ever occurred to me that someone would think like that.
DeleteWhich lends itself to your other point: do they know they are crazy. No, they think they are "different" (and this is all in my opinion). However, they have twisted the rules of reality in order to define everyone else as the problem. To create new rules, beleiving, as you stated, they are entitled to special treatment (or leeway, or excuses, or whatever). They feel it's okay to skew reality (which really is craziness to us) to make it what they want. Do I think my NM and NSis think that much ahead about inflicting harm and making life miserable for the rest of us? No, but do they think about ways to 'get even', "get what they deserve", "get what they want". Yes. And their rules for what is acceptable as means to get this are crazy.
And, quite the apt description of the bamboo and Charity.
And I'm going to try and believe you that the Charities are few and far between....but man, I sure run into more than my far share than.
DeleteI also need to add, and this is probably the most important thing I missed, but I somehow neglected i from my blog: I should've seen her apology for what it was. I should've seen the excuses. I should've seen the endless parade of "ME" statements. I should've been able to see through the hysterics and drama for what it was. I didn't. I missed them all the first time around. I missed that she really offered up little to Upsi and, instead, focused on herself. When she showed her true colors, I couldn't see it for what it was. I need to work on seeing this for what it is. Again, lots and lots of work to do.
ReplyDeleteLots of word to do, but you've also come so far. I don't know that the Jessie of ten years ago would have seen what you've seen.
DeleteThis kind of reminds me of my experiences with Betty - how I was kicking myself afterwards for not paying attention to all those doubts I had, all those little moments of saying to myself, "Wait..." And then in the end, I felt like such a dweeb for ignoring the red flags. It sucked. But I was also proud of myself because it only took half the amount of time for me to figure things out as it had when I was dating my narc ex. Improvement, I think so! And I feel the same way about what you have done. All the questions you've asked about this and the analysis you've done have been fucking brilliant.
Thanks friend. I've really, really thought about this. It really rocked my world so to speak. I've gotten really good with the "outside" narcs in my life, spotting the crazy. But, I really had my guard down here with this community. To say I my jaw hit the floor when I first read what she wrote is an understatement. I must've clicked on it immediately after she wrote it. And I just started responded; again, it felt a bit knee jerk. I wanted to help Upsi. I wanted to save Charity from being swallowed up by herself. Kind of like a "first on the scene" kind of thing. And then watching it all unfold, other's perspectives and comments...well, it was a "teachable moment" for sure (to put it in a bit corny way.)
DeleteJessie, this is such an awesomely insightful post. I had been thinking about doing an analysis-type of post myself, but hell, now I don't feel the need to at all because you've just outlined everything so brilliantly. Your insight is really breathtaking, particularly because of where you came from. I think that, typically, ACoNs were taught to look the other way, and to never pay attention to the little details (which makes it easier to abuse them as children). So it blows me away that you can be this insightful and see so much.
ReplyDeleteThis was big for me and I really couldn't put my finger on it until you mentioned it here: "She seemed very desperate to fit in." I had had odd feelings about her before but really never did anything with them because I don't think she ever commented on my blog.
Whoa. Just had a thought.
She never commented on my blog. Narcs hate people like me. Maybe there is something to that.
Anyway, I think it's fantastic that you had these red flags at all, given how you were trained to ignore them. I think that shows how far you've come in this battle to learn how to be more emotionally healthy and strong. The problem now is, of course, in learning to trust yourself when you have feelings like that. But I have faith that you'll be able to do it.
On your special event - I'm both surprised and not surprised that your NM showed up. She only showed up because she thought there was something in it for her, not because she honestly wanted to do something kind and thoughtful for you. BUT, having said that, I am so glad that you got to have that important night out. I know how important it was to you.
XOXO
Jonsi
Oh, and the night was FANTASTIC. Very cathartic. So, in the end, I didn't really give a shit that she wasn't here for me. Progress right? And another point of progress: I didn't feel like I owed her for it either, or needed to wallow in gratitude towards her (like I would have in the past.) She helped me out, I said thank you, it all worked out.
DeleteOn the red flags: I do have to give credit where credit is due. I did A LOT of thinking on this subject this weekend. However, I had a lot of really brilliant friends help me out with my questions. And in the end, although she deserves no accolades for this, Charity provided me with a wonderful moment of reflection.
And as for her desperateness: that was my big thing with her. She always seemed to be reaching SO hard for validation and support. Always so worried no one would believe her. Like the new girl, who is trying just a tad bit too hard to make friends. She did seem broken and lonely. I wanted to help her and had a soft spot for her (as I really do all ACoNs. Actually, I always want to hold out hope for all of humanity.) Somewhere, I do think she really wanted to change. I think a teeny part of her really was trying. But I just don't think she could hack it. I don't think she was lying when she said she sees how crazy she is and that she scares herself. That old image comes to mind (one I've refrenced to you SIL, my NSis), it's kind of like watching a drowning person and knowing that there is nothing you can do to save them. And that if you swam out and tried to save them, they'd just drag you under with them.
Thanks for your support!!
{{{{{Jessie}}}}}
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself. Charity played the community. It's a positive sign that you've turned around the bad experience and are trying to learn from it for your own personal growth.
Thanks VR. It's been a weird couple of days for me with this.
DeleteYou're doing great, Jessie. You saw the signs but reserved judgement until you were sure. That isn't a flaw. We all were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. She betrayed the trust we offered. You can't plan for that because you don't do that. My NM does plan out her revenge. My EF will say that she doesn't mean it or offer some other excuse, but it was upsi who clued me into the little smile she gets when she's about to land me a stab to the heart, so to speak. As to feeling like you attract Ns, yep, I understand that. It's because we know how to interact with them. As you become healthier, they'll be less comfortable around you and start to avoid you.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to visit, but my blogger site isn't where I'm open about the Ns in my life. That would be at The Project at WordPress. You're welcome to visit if you like. I've added you to my blog roll there. (I also added you to Ladyhawkhollow, so it's easier for me to keep up to date.) http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/
Thanks Judy! I've appreciated your help on this. And I've actually visited you (quietly) before. And I will continue.
DeleteThe realization that narcs (and in particular my mother) plan out revenge was eye opening for me. I mean, of course I knew about revenge and how people would act out of revenge. But I always thought it was about big things. My NM once became offended when I told her that her guest bedroom mattress was hard. She had pressed me, continually, to tell her how I slept. She wouldn't take a "good" and I was forced to tell her it was hard. Cut to four (or so) years later: I asked her how she slept and she told me "horrible, that bed is hard!". I knew this was a lie, because the bed had a huge feather tick mattress on top. We got into a "discussion" about it and she finally admitted (ADMITTED) she did this because of my comment. This moment was such an eye opener for me. I've had her admit several other times that she plots revenge. She sees nothing wrong with it, never seems embarrassed by it, and often seems entitled to it. So, although my mother has a little tell (like the smile) I also know to always be on the look out for it.
I think you should cut yourself a little more slack, jessie. Meeting a narcissist in real life, although often a horrific experience, gives you a little more to go on than an online meeting - you see them notice you, you see then zero in on you, seeing supply right there waiting for them, you can see the evil smirk that happens just before the "gotcha" moment - there's just a lot more information that you can use to determine how strong your boundaries have to be. It's harder online - all you have are words and without the expression that goes with the spoken word, it's more difficult to really get it. I, too, thought that Charity was eccentric and unique and quirky. What sent up a red flag for me was the knowledge that she responded to her own comment as if she was appalled at it - when I read that she had done that, everything inside me shut down. I took her blog off my blog list and I'm done. I spent years without boundaries and now when I smell narc, the wall goes up and that's it. I'm learning to protect myself from narcissistic bullying and when I see it, I stop the relationship immediately. Until Charity wrote that comment, she hadn't displayed any overtly narcissistic behavior - yes, she appears to be vain, she's somewhat histrionic - but her behavior to others wasn't overtly narcissistic so there may have been some signs that we all needed to be cautious, but there really wasn't anything that would have warranted turning away. I think the time to give someone the benefit of the doubt is BEFORE they behave like a narcissist. Once they show their true colors, it's time to get out. It sounds like that's what you did.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of good points. It seemed that so many others had "gut reactions" to her ahead of this. I didn't. I thought she was...quirky? A bit off? But not dangerous.
DeleteI think what really gets me is that my gut reaction after the apology didn't kick in immediately either. I had that knee jerk reaction to believe her apology. Her pain and her anguish and her emotional plea got to me. I knew she had been horrible, I knew she had been wrong and abusive to Upsi. But I wanted to believe she was sorry and just slipped up. I wanted to give her a second chance. I wanted to throw her a lifeline. I had forgotten that she who cries loudest is not the most in pain. Upsi was dealing with it all with dignity and integrity and quiet strength. But I know only too well, that just because Upsi wasn't screaming at us in huge capital letters she wasn't hurting. I've been Upsi a million times, in scenarios just like this. And I feel badly that I fell for Charity's hysterics.
It sucks that I didn't see the red flags before hand, but it sucks more that I didn't add it all up when I saw the apology.
Jessie, I agree with the others, cut yourself some slack. You will get better at this. Your own words "it was a "teachable moment" for sure". You are looking to learn something different. I saw some of the red flags, but like you, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. However, for me, her apology came right out of my NM's play book of how to jerk sympathy. I was amazed that I was already working on a series having to do with bully behavior. I missed out on the first part since I read it all together on Saturday. I added her to my blog as what a bully looks like. I am sad for her but that doesn't excuse her behavior. I hope she gets help. But it will take time for me to trust her.
ReplyDeleteYes, her apology was identicle to what my mother (or sister) would do. Man, the hysterics and wailing I've seen out of my mother when I've called her on something. Sure, she's "apologizes", but it's never really in order to say she's sorry. And I think that's what bothered me the most. I've seen this before. I can often see the pattern with my NM. But with Charity, I fell for it again. My emotional reaction to her clouded my ability to connect the dots.
Delete<===== late again. I too was jolted out of my comfort zone with this entire event. Like you, it triggered my (I call it) insecurity in the community. I wondered what everyone thought about me, privately. All the heck I want is to heal, but am I too 'nutty' for people to be supportive of? *rhetorical* lol
ReplyDeleteHey, Trisha, it's never too late to comment! All thoughts welcome, at any time.
Delete