Scary Ass Bitch

Apparently, I intimidate my BIL.  Or he's afraid of me.  Or he's just a weeny.  I can't decide which.

Recently, I posted on my relationship with my in-laws.  The BIL I am referencing in this post is the one who lives 5 minutes from me.  He's part of the "Dynamic Duo" with his wife, who think they are god's gift to not only the world in general, but our family.  They imagine themselves to be "godly", kind, thoughtful, giving, and generous.  And they can be....as long as there is something in it for them.  BIL fancies himself Mr. All-American.  He's the "good guy" in the room, friends with everyone, always there to help.  What he doesn't realize is that he is only the good guy on his terms.  If you no longer buy his shtick  or if he feels he's already converted you, he moves on to his next target.

I wrote about how this BIL and his wife made a huge scene at my son's birthday party, completely ignored us, and didn't say good-bye.  They showed up late because they had shopping to do and sent their kids with the grandparents as babysitters.  DH and I were convinced that they were angry with us.  They barely acknowledged my son and were stand offish, when they even bothered to hang around.   The next day was a family funeral.  DH was leery but BIL and SIL acted like nothing had happened.  We imagine that the two of them had been fighting and were too childish to put it aside to celebrate our son.  When I arrived, BIL ignored me.  He ignored me or avoided me during the whole funeral.  He got up and spoke about "family" and "memories" at the service, but didn't seem to act very much like family after that.   Two weekends later, we all attended a family wedding.  He was jumpy and distant.  He again avoided me like the plague.  When I asked him to grab me a drink from the bar, he quickly handed it to me and turned around.  When I tried to speak to him and SIL later,  he was jumpy and antsy.  He wouldn't look me in the eye.  He seemed nervous and anxious and hurried to get out of the conversation.   Two weeks after that, we ran into him at a football game.  He positioned himself behind me, so to just be out of "eye range".  He acknowledged all the others around me but "busied" himself when it came to me.  Last weekend, we again ran into he and his wife.  We were talking to friends and they hoovered in the periphery pretending to be so busy with their kids they didn't notice us.  Finally, DH called them over.  SIL gave me a snotty hello (which doesn't bother me.  I don't take her shit personally).  BIL again "busied" himself talking to my friend about babysitters.

So, today, DH and BIL are going somewhere together.  Due to logistics, BIL had to come over here.  I went outside with my kids to help DH get something.  BIL was a distance away, but  made a huge deal out of the kids.  Again, avoiding me and looking away.  I helped DH and went to go inside.  By this time BIL was closer.  So, I said, "hey, how's it going." as I walked by.  The jackass didn't even bother to respond this time.

I'm not really surprised.  What was good though is that DH got to see it.  I've been telling him about it for weeks, and he believes me, but it was SO validating for him to see it in person.  DH and I went inside to say goodbye and I asked him if he had seen the situation.  Yes, he had.  He'd seen it all.   He told me that he would discuss it with him (they will be together for the next few days, so it provides an opportunity to talk about it.)  I asked him to confirm that he had experienced what I had.  Or had I taken it out of context?  Had I behaved in a way that was wrong?  I knew the answer, but I needed to know that we were on the same page.

"No" he said.  "He ignored you.  He's acting anxious and nervous around you."  DH told me that I give off a vibe when I'm upset and BIL had clearly picked up on it.  DH stated that I completely was valid in my feelings and didn't need to temperate because of BIL's reaction.  But that, clearly, BIL was reacting out of fear of me.

But, here's the thing.  What the hell is he so afraid of?  I'm not a screamer or a yeller.  I generally am pretty thoughtful and willing to discuss things.  I've heard this bullshit for years too about NMIL.  She's nervous around me.  She's afraid of me.  I make her uncomfortable.  And, really, for the life of me, I can't see why.  I don't make lots of other people afraid of me.  There's been a few who don't like me being blunt or straightforward.  But, for the most part, I've never known people to be intimidated by me.  What the hell is going on here?   I think they are afraid that I'm not going to put up with their shit.  They are afraid of conflict. They are little pussies who can't deal with anything unless they have the upper hand.  They don't like that I may not agree with them or that they can't bully me into their thinking.  I think they are afraid I'll call them out on stuff.  I don't know.  Do I have any responsibility for their feelings?  Am I some scary intimidating bitch?

On the flip side of this, I was thinking how I've allowed my NSis and dad to intimidate me for so many years with fear.  I've lived in fear of their anger, their rage, their low blows.   They are brilliant at character assassinations   They can gut you to make a point.  There are not discussions if conflict arises.  It's winner takes all.  They are stubborn and unyielding.  My dad, in particular, always terrified me.  When I was little he was a rageful, hard-ass who didn't deal well with alternative opinions.  He has since been on antidepressants and has calmed considerable.  But I can't shake the fear.  I literally quake when I think of doing something to piss him off.  I've gotten a lot better about it through this process, but it's still a little nagging thing in the back of my mind.  I hate when he adopts his harsh, condescending tone that makes me feel like a small, ignorant child.

So, how can I be both of these people?  How can I be so scary yet so fearful at the same time?