I'm angry again. I am so damn sick and tired of cycling back to being pissed off.
I'm not angry at them. I'm not angry at NM or MIL or my idiotic SIL.
I'm angry at the situation. I'm angry that I have to deal with this. I'm just a teeny bit angry at God that I played the family lotto twice, and came up empty handed.
I'm angry that my kids don't have a single, damn, truly connected person in their family. That those who actually seem to give a shit (by showing up and being "involved" and acknowledging big days) are actually after the kids for what they can get from them (unconditional love-one way love, a "title" of "Grammy" to brag to their friends, another human being to suck attention off of, another human being to tell them how wonderful they fucking are.) The other ones barely even make an effort. And this has gone on long before I started my little narcissism study. Before I even knew what the hell was going on. These family members that preach (yes, literally) about family, and being together, who take lovely photos of themselves and plaster it on FB, who appear to all others to be one big, happy family, can hardly remember (if they even do) to acknowledge their nephews' birthdays, or anything else going on in their lives. They often choose football games instead of visiting. They choose shopping for new luggage over attending a celebration of someone's day. They NEVER acknowledge their brother's (DH) birthday (they do mine, but I think that's mainly because it's easy to remember, linked to a holiday). They don't invite us to their homes, or act concerned that we can't visit. They rarely seem to think about us at all. They surely don't seem to miss us when we're gone. They rarely even bother to invite us along.
I'm angry that I can't let it go. I'm angry that I have two amazing, healthy, spirited boys and I can't completely be there for them. I'm angry that this narc-crap laces itself in my marriage. I'm angry that the family I dreamed about as I kid, not only doesn't exist, but probably will never exist. No big holiday dinners, or all cheering on my kid at a game. No family support when DH and I are hitting a rough patch in life (as jobs and kids and life sometimes throw you curve balls). I've got a beautiful home, a pretty good marriage, money and time to think about other things besides money and time. But I can't shake this anger and depression that sinks over me from time to time.
I'm so damn tired of it all. So damn tired. And so, so sad. I know I don't have it as bad as others. I know it could be worse. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that I'm blessed in many, many ways. So why can't I let go of the anger at God that he didn't give me a mom, or a sister, or a family who loved me?
It's normal. Anger is part of the grieving process. I remember being angry at God, once again, just the other day. I yell at Him, express all the feelings bottled inside, and then recognize it isn't about Him. My NM had plenty of times she could have made a different choice in her life, but she chose the lies. As long as she choose lies, she and I cannot have a healthy relationship. God, blessedly, helped me to recognize it isn't me. So, I'm creating healthy relationships with other people. It isn't the same, but I don't expect it to be. God has blessed me with some amazing, wonderful friends.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping as my healing continues, I've made some room for new, more healthy friends. It seems I've surrounded myself by less than the best people, in addition to having narcs galore (and their flying monkeys).
DeleteI know it's not me....I just can't help wonder why he wouldn't give me a couple of people as support in my life. It makes me feel so lonely. And only reinforces my odd, weird, scapegoated feelings.
Thanks for your support, Judy.
We have a lot of anger in the backlog, and it's going to take sometime to work through it. Writing about it is one of the healthiest ways to deal with it. Like Judy said, it's part of the grieving process. Except that whereas the traditional model goes in the following order:Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, for Acons I think it goes like this: Denial, Depression, Bargaining, Anger and Acceptance. So we're not far off now from coming to the end of this process. xx
ReplyDeleteIt seems like I've been Angry, Denial, Angry, Depression, Angry, Depression, Angry, Depression, Bargaining, Depression, Angry, Angry, Angry....Just Kidding, sort of.
DeleteI do hope it's close to the end soon. I know I'm healthier, and I believe those healthier relationships and friendships are coming, but I'm feeling impatient.
Ha, ha, this is a great description that I sure experience a lot, probably like most of us, and yeah, it does get calmer and better as one gets sort of used to reality.
DeleteOh, and it feels kind of weird at first, to really start to really feel and understand and accept--to have confidence in-- that one is not 'less than', as TW has explained.--quartz
Jessie? Why would you NOT be angry? Why would you NOT be exhausted? It's not a matter of how much "worse" any of us could have it at all! What I'm hearing you saying is, "I SHOULD be grateful." Well, you are: I don't see that as the issue at all.
ReplyDeleteBut while there's lots to be grateful for, that doesn't mean there isn't a whole lot to be sad/angry/depressed etc. about as well: One doesn't in any way cancel the other or the realities you're facing right now in your life. There's a TON of losses, demands on you in your daily life, nasty realities you're facing that play out against the background of your life. For sure, there's not a whole lot of "Jessie Time" either.
I also get the feeling somehow, you never feel like you're a good enough mom either. Kind of like when you were a kid and felt if you were "good enough" you could remediate the problems between your FOO members (aiye!), be "worthy" of your (many) accomplishments (yep, you minimize them too) as well as *positive regard* and if you were really "good," everyone would (somehow) get along.
It seems to me you've always come last, Jessie. You DESERVE your beautiful home, your busy, healthy kids and so many of the good things in your life that you've worked to achieve-YOU have made these happen, Jessie. Despite all of the crap around you with little to no support or encouragement and every.single.day you're creating a world for your family you never had.
Please tell me Jessie, why you wouldn't be mad? Why you wouldn't feel cheated? Why you wouldn't feel so alone? Why it's not OK to feel your genuine feelings?
Awww, (((Jess)))...Anger is a powerful message from you to you that you've been and are being transgressed in very fundamental ways. I think of it like the mitrochondria (the powerhouse) of feelings: It gets everything going because complacency is no longer acceptable. It acknowledges our fundamental morals/values/ethics (our unique humanness), powers the changes and provides a template for what needs to change within us so that reality masters our illusions. It demands we respect ourselves and acknowledge we are not "More Than" anyone else, but damnit, we're not "LESS Than," either.
I'm getting the feeling you're getting fed up (finally!) with being treated as "Less Than." And if that's correct? YYEESS!!!
TW