Releasing the past in order to find myself

Thursday, August 22, 2013


NM is coming.  She'll be here through the weekend.  She's been "prepping" me with tons of texts and emails and annoying pressure. 

My in-laws will be here too. We are celebrating my kiddos birthday.  Well, they are celebrating.  I'm just trying to get through it. 

Every year, EVERY DAMN YEAR, it is stressful.  There is drama and narcy behavior.  Selfishness, rudeness, and lateness. 

I can't not celebrate my kid.  In fact, he is SO excited for it.  For his grandparents to come.  He looks forward to the gifts and the attention and the playmates.  Which would be sweet....if I didn't know how many strings are attached to them.  It makes my stomach hurt, as I don't really know how to untangle myself from that web.  That I don't want to deny him that (or that excitement) but I can't help but feel it will set him up for hurt.

NM is excited and fantasizing and making plans for the weekend.  She's texted them to me.  In a very controlled, doled-out manner.  Not one that is straight forward and honest.  But one in which she, very clearly, implies she wants to be in control.  She fantasies all these expectations of how it will be.  Creates some perfect image of the weekend.  Obviously, we won't be able to live up to her perfect little visions. 

I don't enjoy her visits.  I don't enjoy her company.  I'm sure she'll have some drama about NSis (Nsis has already hinted as such on FB).  It makes me incredibly sad.  NM's already hinted at the gossip and whispered words she wants to have about family members. 

I am tired.  I am cranky.  I am irritated that everyone else is so damned excited, and I'm upset.  I'm angry that I just want it to be over with.  That I can't celebrate my son in a peaceful, loving way.  That drama, and attention seeking, and bitterness will be involved. 


  1. I know this sounds horrible of me...but this part of the garbage DOES end when they die. It really does.

    My NM mother's garbage all ended once EF and she were dead. Do you think Beloved Child is old enough to have the strings (attached to the gifts) pointed out to him? I'd recommend it, if he is.


    1. It doesn't sound horrible to me. I know where you are coming from. I don't wish death on anyone...but I'm sure it's a long way off.

      He's not quite old enough. I'm trying to allow him some of the space to see things for himself, while discussing any and all of the things he has picked up on (and he is picking up on it). I think with watchful guidance, he's been able to suss out a lot of it for himself and will continue to do so, but I think it's a bit complicated at the moment for him and he's figuring it out. And I'm working on untangling her visits from the gifts. But it's hard. He isn't particularly attached to MIL, the way he is NM, and I think that speaks directly to him picking up on her unemotional bribes. He sees MIL the most, but rarely remembers her name, and really could care less to see her. In fact, he often distances himself from her. So, I've got that going for me....

      Thanks for the support.

  2. It reminds me of the excitement of a pack of wolves bringing down a prey for a feed. The Alpha feeds first. You have two Alphas contending for the position and your child is the prey.
    You know it's not about celebrating your DS: It's about NP/NPack behavior and what's in it for THEM. No wonder you feel sick, Jessie.

    1. That's exactly it. I was telling a friend that I almost feel jealous with how much the lavish my kid with shit and buy off his affection. They have the upperhand: they buy tons of stuff and have endless amounts of time to "play" with him....but it's all only for their own interests. Luckily, I do think that NMIL and NM, somehow keep each other back a little. Like you said, two alpha wolves, wary and nervous around each other. So, it diverts some of it from me. And then I have my SIL, who somehow is threatened by the attention a little boy gets, so she has to make a big, stomping, passive-aggressive scene.
      And I hate that I have to feel this way.

  3. Oh, hon. I have been there. Now that I am NC with my parents, this is some of the stuff I am the happiest to not have to deal with any more. It sucks to dread your own mother's visit, and to feel obligated to spend time with people whom you don't like or enjoy.

    Big, big hugs for you. I hope by some miracle, this weekend goes better than expected. If not, I hope it passes quickly and that you can treat yourself to something nice - a night out, a massage, a good book - and let the weekend slip into the past.

    Happy birthday to your son! And to you. :)

    1. Thanks Claire. I hope for that miracle too. However, looking at the track record, it's not hopeful. Luckily, NM minds herself at the parties, but then I get my NMIL and NSIL to deal with (not to mention my assholish BIL).

      Sometimes, despite the completely alone with NO family we would have, NC sounds so peaceful. But it's not possible in the moment. It just sucks that all of the special moments are shit on by them.

      Thanks for the support and the birthday wishes!

  4. "But one in which she, very clearly, implies she wants to be in control." - Let her be disappointed, or whatever it is she's going to be when she arrives and you aren't letting her run the show, or things don't go the way she thinks they should go, or you head her off at the pass whenever she thinks she'll butt in with nonsense about NSIS. Personally, I don't think she'd be happy even if everything went EXACTLY as she thought it should go.

    What really annoys me is that she's making it be about her - it's a birthday party for fuck's sake. A birthday party for a little boy. Just brings the point home again and again that they are soul-suckers and they care about no one but themselves.

    I was just thinking today about how, even though NMIL and EFIL and their clan don't come to our parties anymore, they will STILL try to insert themselves in whatever way they can - with their god damned unwanted cards and all that. Either they don't care that they are making other people hurt and suffer, OR that's exactly what they do want. (And they tout themselves as the ultimate Christians, the fucking lot of them.)

    What a drain. What a bunch of shit. I say do your best to focus on the kids and you'll figure out a way to make it work. And the kids are going to be happy because you're going to do the best you can to make sure they're all right and their needs are taken care of. Fuck the narcs.

    1. I did cut her off with her control shit. She backed off....but pulled a bit of a wounded "I was just excited" bullshit remark. I've gotten better at cutting off her control, but I just get tired of the barrage of it. I've been fielded texts now for weeks.
      As for NSis, she knows better than to bring it up directly to me. She waits and brings it up to DH. He's been warned and "armed" with appropriate ways to respond to her. But still....I hate that we have to be like that. It makes me feel so disingenuous, like we are "scripting" things just like the narcs.
      But it is about her. The fantasies swirling in her head about how it's going to be. Not even THINKING about how she can be of help or of service.
      It annoys me to no end that the lot of them use his birthday to stir up drama. It hurts and it makes my heart ache for him. And it so clearly shows where the hell their priorities are.
      I did manage to arrange a party that focuses more on the kids and allows less room for the kids. There is a time frame, so when time is up, we go the fuck home. And his actually birthday is a bit away, so I plan to make that day extra special.
      Luckily, he's so little still, I don't think he notices all the bullshit, and hopefully, in a few years I'll weed all the adults out of the celebration and focus it totally on the kids.
      Thanks for the support.

  5. Thanks for all of the support guys. Seriously, it brought tears to my eyes.
    I've been doing so much better, but when I'm pile drived by a host of narcs (4-5 by my last count), it's fucking overwhelming.