Crying Wolf

It occurred to me today why I might be a bit (more) on edge.  Despite seeing disgustingly sweet updates on FB from BIL and SIL about who wonderful life is (sans kids), I remembered that it was this time last year that NSis dropped a bomb.

My relationship with NS (NSIS) has always been rocky.  As kids, she was verbally and physically assaultive.  She was turbulent and prone to tempers.  I was left in charge of her a lot and expected to make her 'mind' (do chores, behave, etc.) or I would get in trouble.  When she didn't like me telling her what to do (and to be fair, who would) she would violently attack me.  She was rarely punished enough to stop.

Alternatively, I often (well into adult hood) served as the "spare mommy".  When she needed true support, encouragement, protection, I was there.  Through the divorce, I was her rock.  She'll tell you that herself, and has told me that many times.  In years of late, she has repeatedly told me that my home feels more like "home" to her than either of my parents homes.

She has had rocky, often violent relationships all of her life.  She is intense, willful, and mean.  She can also be generous (to a fault), sensitive, and kind.  But mostly she is very, very harsh.  She has fought with most of my step siblings, other relatives, and has had some of the most tumultuous, violent love relationships I've seen.  She rarely has friends stick around. 

She has been hot and cold with me through adult hood.  When triangulation was working, NM had us split apart and believed the other to be the 'problem'.  As a teenager, she was out of control, drug addicted, and chaotic.  She put everyone through hell, and I was surprised she actually made it back around (sort of).  She stole from me, physically intimidated me, and often latched onto me desperately (NM let her come live with me....or had or come live with me....for a month.  I was 18, she was 16, and I was a month out of high school.)

When I went to college, we grew distant, but over the years we had worked our ways back to "friends".  Lately, she had been intermittently interested in me and my life.  She seemed to have her shit, somewhat, together.  She seemed interested (more than any other time) in my kids.  But she often ignored us.  She made huge dramatic scenes anytime I was getting attention (like at my wedding or when I moved into my new home.  Or when my kids were born.  Chaos always followed any milestones in my life).  But I had hope.  She seemed to recognize my mother's weird behavior.  I felt like we were allies.

Last year, at this time, my father called to tell me he'd heard that NS had cancer.  I was shocked and was sure it was a mistake.  NM had just been to visit her weeks before.  Surely, NM would've known if that was the case.  And NM would not have been able to keep that juicy little bit of information to herself.  NS is young, in reasonable health.  It didn't seem to fit.

Dad had received a call from my aunt, who had seen NS answer her cancer on facebook.   I called NM.  Yes, NS had "something like cancer".  This struck me as odd.  She said NS had just called her a few days before, that she knew about the facebook post, and had informed NS to take it off "before your dad and your sister find out that way".  Too late.  So, I had a horrible, lengthy, emotional call with my mother.  And in that phone call, I discovered that NM really had no idea what the actual diagnosis was.  Or the outcome.  Or the prognosis.  Nothing. 

I called Dad back and relayed the information.  I decided (by now, armed with narcissistic knowledge) to "lay low" and wait for NSis to call me.

NSis never called me.  I spent the next month piecing information together from my parents.  No one seemed to know what was going on.  NSis would not allow anyone to come out, despite needing some "procedure".  NM was HYSTERICAL.  It was difficult.

I called NSis once, about a month later.  The phone never went to voice message.  I told NM, who said that NSis had turned off her phone because she couldn't take all of the people trying to get a hold of her.  NSis deleted her FB.  Again, all of the people offering her support was "too much" for NSis.  Before she went off line, I messaged her hearing that she was struggling.  She responded "yes".  I told her to let me know if she needed anything.  She said "a friend".  That was it. 

Over the next few months, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our birthdays came and went.  The drama heightened.  She tried, for awhile, to act as if nothing was going on.  I can't remember exactly how it all went down, but around Thanksgiving, she was annoyed and frustrated I hadn't called.  There were some texts exchanged.  And an email around Christmas, in which I told her that I was upset and, at one point, told her I was no longer interested in phone communication but that it needed to be by email. 

She continued to play the cancer card.  She took money from my father for bills, but then bought new curtains for her home.  When I told NM that that was shady, she explained it away saying NSis had used money from her paycheck for the rug.  Well, if she had money for a rug, than she shouldn't be taking money from her father for bills.  But that was lost on NM.  During this time too, NSis was in a serious, occasionally violent, altercation (over many weeks) with her live in boyfriend.  NM said that NSis often seemed more upset about this than about the cancer.  NSis never, in any of her communications, relayed to me she had cancer, only referred to it as a "medical condition". 

I finally told both my parents I believed NSis was stretching the truth (at a minimum).  I told them that, in council with my own doctor, that her symptoms seemed inconsistent (at best) with the cancer she suggested she had.  NSis also claimed to have been "diagnosed" months before, but didn't have immediate treatment.  She apparently had "out patient" radiation and some sort of procedure.  But it didn't add up.  

NSis claimed to be sending my children gifts and money for their education at Christmas, but it never appeared.  I heard from her in a text for my birthday, but nothing then for months.  Those months were so blissfully quiet and peaceful.    Oh, I should add that before this incident of cancer (in August) I hadn't actually spoken on the phone with my sister since June.  Not because of any issues, but just because that was how NSis normally operated.  She called me shortly after my son's birthday.  Not to wish him a happy birthday, but to complain about her boyfriend.  It was months before that that I had heard from her.

Sometimes in here, I wrote NSis an email.  I'm sorry that these events are a bit disjointed in time.  The timeline has all run together now for me.  I have the emails and communications, but not the strength to go back through them and put a time line together.  Anyway, with the help of two blogger friends, I wrote a heartfelt, caring, but very boundary drawing, email to NSis.  I was clear (but not overly detailed) that things needed to change between us, that communication would specifically and only be email, and that I needed some time to work things out after her refusal to disclose what was going on with her.  I didn't go into many specific points, stuck to the basics, and made it short.  I figured if she responded with interest, I could go into specifics later.  No sense muddying the waters.

She replied back that she appreciated my honest, but didn't know what to do with what I said.  She didn't respond directly to anything I'd said. 

I didn't hear from NSis again for awhile.  She tried to ask my opinion on a bedroom set she wanted to buy.  I declined to respond.  It pissed me off that she wanted a bedroom set, when she was bilking my father for money.  She exchanged a few texts with me ("Merry Christmas" and the like).  She sent an email about something else, something I can't remember exactly but was also so blatantly "lets pretend" that it was ludicrous.  Like, you've had your tantrum Jessie, time to get back in line. 

Somewhere in the spring, she sent out email response to my "boundaries" email.  It did not go well.  She attacked me, spoke of her anger, told me she didn't feel she wanted a "relationship with me" (oh, please, don't do me any favors).  It was hostile and cruel and about two months after my initial response.  It was also conveniently timed to visits I was having with my parents.  I refused to engage with it.  At some point, she warned me about talking about her with my parents: I wasn't allowed, or so she "asked me".  She had a good relationship building with them, she told me, and stay out of it Jessie.  What she didn't realize she was saying was "don't fuck this up Jessie.  I'm warning you.  Don't talk to them because what you could say would jeopardize my relationships with them."  But why?  Why what I had to say would that jeopardize their relationship with her? 

So, I didn't talk about her.  Really I hadn't in months anyway.  It was nice. 

I did tell her that she had refused to deal directly with anything I'd said.  I told her that I didn't find what she said to be fair.  I stood my ground. 

What followed was a serious of texts (about a month later) that ranged from down right verbally abusive to oddly loving.  She berated me for not picking up the phone.  I repeated that I would only speak in email.  It started when she texted several times in a row and I didn't respond.  She started harassing me for not responding.  I told her that I had other things in my life and that it was presumptuous to assume I could respond whenever she wanted me too.  She whipped out every narc trick in the book (verbally abusive, gas lighting, projection).  She told me she didn't like the person I was turning in to (shocking!).  And in the end, when I refused to give in, she said "I was just hoping we could catch up.  Like talk about good things." (I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist.)

A couple of months later a gift arrived for my son's birthday.  She texted NM to make sure I received it and NM, catching me off guard, relayed the information personally.  NSis also sent DH a gift for his birthday.  This girl has NEVER remembered his birthday, but this year she sent a gift.

Oh, that reminds me, one day out of the blue, before the horrible email response, I got a package of toys for my kids.  She had written individual messages to them both (they can't read) and in one she suggested she could talk to him by phone.  Yeah, right. When I suggested these gifts were less than genuine (and oddly timed) NSis blew a gasket that I would even SUGGEST she was buying me off.  This was the precipice of the argument in the first place over texts. (Again, sorry for the jostled time line.)

So, I text NSis after the birthday gifts.  Thanks.  DH thanks her too.  She sends him a long text, full of good wishes and instructions to let her know if he wants anything sent from her (much larger) city.  Um, OK.  She's never really cared about DH before.  She usually acts annoyed by him and ignores him or competes with him. 

That was a few months back.  She did ask my advice (openly and publicly on FB) about something I hobby in.  NM "liked" it.  She also complimented me, through one of NM's FB photos, about my home and my children.  NM "liked" that.  She emailed a one-line snarky comment after a distant cousin attacked me openly in front of several extended family members in a group message on FB.  I responded with a one-liner, yep, she is.   NM has brought her up several times (once mentioning I help NSis get to and put Nsis up at a family reunion) and once to mention how WONDERFUL NSis and her abusive boyfriend (whom she recently told me she hated) are doing after a month in therapy.  He's not allowed in her building, but I'm sure they are doing WELL.  Oh, and NM told this DH.  Not me.  She did it at a moment, knowing I'd walk in and "catch" her update on NSis.

So, that's been it.  Some gifts and a lot of heated (and recorded for posterity) exchanges.  And that started one year ago.  It's sad.  It someway, I always felt she was a bit like my own kid.  It was hard to let go.  Really hard.  I felt like I was abandoning her.  I felt like I left her behind.  But I had to.  She was a sinking ship, taking me down with her.  And she's not my fucking kid.  I have two of my own that I need to take care of.  The whole thing is still looming over me.  It has me remembering the grieving I've had to do for our relationship in the past year.