I just read that SIL and BIL left for their eight day vacation to go to the wedding of a close friend. They left the kids at my in-laws house. I knew this was happening, but reading her snippy post on FB about leaving left the same sort of sucker punched feeling in my gut as it did when I heard this trip it a few weeks ago. And I can't really get to the core of what bothers me.
Partially, it annoys me that this girl, who never posts anything (including about her kids), always posts when she is leaving town alone.
They have left the kids a lot before. They get away on little weekends and a week in a tropical location. Their kids are very young, just like mine.
This girl had her mother or my MIL live with her for most of the three years she had a newborn or was pregnant and had a newborn again. Her mom cooked, cleaned, babysat, and provided full time care for her kids. My MIL lived with them for a month and then stays with them most of the time they are in town (which is fine, I don't want them here). She complained a lot about how much work being a "working mom" was and chastised my husband for not understanding how hard life is for her.
She is lazy and, from what I hear, does little of the child care-taking (including meals, and such), has seemed emotionally distant and harsh with her kids when I'm around (ironically she and BIL have implied I'm "too hard" or "too strict" on my kids. In fact, the in-laws all appear to feel that I'm a bit too hard. But to keep this in perspective, one stories I've heard from one of my FIL's friend's wives was that he once took a friend to MILs house as a form of birth control. I've heard TONS of stories (many of which the in-laws tell themselves) of kids jumping off furniture, around the guests, home littered with toys, kids shooting cops with beebee guns and knocking the neighbor lady off her bike. Which MIL suggest neighbor lady deserved because she was mean to her kids. I personally witnessed my two younger BILs growing up, and believe me, "discipline" of any kind was in short supply. Usually, MIL called in DH to deal with them.) Anyway, back to SIL. She is always into some new project or venture ("climbing the corporate lady", throwing a million baby showers, training for a triathlon-she hadn't been running or swimming up to this point) and had to have the extra help. Two months after her first kid, she was throwing the company wide holiday party, while on maternity leave, not because it was her job, but because she VOLUNTEERED, and had her MIL and mom come to help the kids.
MIL describes her as lazy and that her son is the poor pitiful husband who does ALL of the work. She has described their parenting as poor. She has said they are scattered (ironic, huh?). But she drops everything to care for the kids. In fact, almost demands it.
It bothers me they seem to have this parasitic relationship, each stroking each others back. But I wonder if it is good for the kids.
It bothers me that she is scattered and I've personally witnessed the kids be less than taken care of in her care (and of course, we all have moments, kids get hurt, but she seems to have more than her fair share and much of what I've seen could've been prevented.) She's scattered and unfocused. SIL even says so.
It bothers me that, probably, these kids get MORE emotional care with MIL than with SIL. So, in some way, they are benefitting.
It bothers me that, somewhere there is the implication, that my kids should be staying with her too. SIL seems to imply it (or somehow seems to invalidate her "understanding" of my feelings about MIL, when she is constantly leaving her kids with her. For the record, I've learned to not share my feelings with either of them anymore.) MIL often brings the topic up, when I'm not around, to DH. She only mentioned babysitting to me once, long before I was pregnant. I know that she feels she can work leverage on DH if I'm not around. She has never once asked me, but certainly seems to know how I feel about her babysitting my kids. I have this fear, that as my kids get bigger, the pressure will continue.
It bothers me that SIL seems so "happy" (her word on FB) to ditch her kids. She told me last year that it was the best thing for her. She "gets away" every month or so. She hires babysitters in between. She has her mom or MIL come down once a month or so (and when MIL comes down, we have to see her too.)
It bothers me they all act like one, big happy freaking family. And that the more I stand up, the more I can see them polarizing away from me. If I thought I was the scape goat and the black sheep before, I clearly feel that way now. I'm labeled with MIL's SIL's name, a woman MIL has LONG discussed with me. MIL tells the story about how this woman, married to her husband's brother, wouldn't allow the brother's mother to see the kids. How she pushed this MIL( DH"s grandmother) out of family functions, never went to visit, never included the grandmother. MIL flat told me, early in my relationship with DH, that her biggest fear was having a DIL take her sons away. Seriously. And she now always says "I don't want to be that MIL" as she passive-aggressively manipulates people into doing her dirty work for her. She swears she was going to all she could to make sure her DILs liked her, but I see that as meaning she would control all she could so her DILs didn't fuck with her and her sons. All her sons know the story and would tell me about it. The horrid aunt. The wrecker of the family. The distant aunt who took the brother away. I KNOW I am that aunt. And as I stand up more and more I see that they have done all the can to cast me in that role. And not handing my kids over just plays into their script: the poor, neglected grandmother.
It bothers me that I am somehow seen as the bad person because I DON'T just hand over my kids. That I'm the bitch or the weird DIL. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does.
It just bothers me. But despite all the things I've mentioned, I can't help but feeling there is more. Why does it bother me so damn much? What does it matter to me if they do that? It really has little to do with me, yet it somehow makes my gut hurt. WTF?
Something to consider, are you letting them decide if you are good enough? (By the way it is a tough habit to break.) My counselor taught me that defining the problem is the first part of solving it. What is the problem? And is it your problem? You are willing to take a hard look at the situation and your concern seems to be centered on what is healthy for your kids. You are doing great.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good point, Ruth, and I think it is true. It is hard for me to let go of a lot of their "definitions" of me. Trying to figure who I am under all of this muck (and if I'm behaving appropriately) has been a hard road.
DeleteHoo boy, I know how you feel. It bothers me because it is so dang unfair. Injustice is always hard to deal with. I've been quiet and responsible, held a demanding job for 30 years, have a good marriage, and been a good mother to my kids.
ReplyDeleteMy sister has never held a job for more than a few months, screams at and neglects her kids, has had several marriages and is basically a selfish trainwreck, so guess who's mother's favorite? The trainwreck sis...WTF!?
I finally got to the point where I realized they are both nuts and I really don't want their acceptance. They can just enjoy their crazy little world together. My life is so much better without them.
Jessie, It seems to me you're getting little to no support in terms of dealing with your IL's or in confirmation/validation of your very clear understanding of the dynamics of that family. Reading your last Post regarding how your DH views you and your interactions with your MIL ( you are "bitter" etc.) indicates even your DH does not unconditionally support your experiences and perceptions. IOW, even he does not "have your back" in a consistent fashion.
ReplyDeleteConsequently, you're standing alone amid all the Crazy and "Mob Family" mentality which would cause any of us to wonder, "Is is me? Am I out of line somehow?" (NO, you're NOT!) How would this not undercut anyone's self-confidence?! You are the only one who has consistently stood up to your MIL in terms of not allowing her unfettered access to your kids. Of course you are being scape-goated. The bits of information that are (selectively) leaked to you, the absolute rudeness demonstrated by the ILs to which you have been subjected on numerous occasions further serve to undermine your confidence. The barbs and behaviors are *meant* to hurt you, to continually bring pressure on you to "fall in line...or else!" Your recognition of of the "or else!" is clear in your statement, "I have this fear, that as my kids get bigger, the pressure will increase." And that's a very realistic fear, Jessie.
As you continue to hold firm with your boundaries around your kids, demonstrate your joy and unconditional love for them as well as your ability to effectively parent, the sharp contrast between you, the DIL who will not be cowed by the MIL and your SIL will become yet more apparent: The ILs will increase the backlash/scapegoating. The manifest issue (HER "grandchildren") will serve as the vehicle for the continuing Power struggle for domination of all "her boy's" families by your MIL.
I agree with Ruth's observation. I don't see how this could not be a very, very difficult road when you're subjected to constant sniper fire while trying to navigate mine fields with little to no support and no respite. But as Ruth said, you *are* doing great. Despite it all. Please, DON'T believe them or their negative appraisals of you. In addition to the Power and Control tactics there is also a huge festering pool of envy which you did nothing to deserve other than being an intelligent, kind, empathetic adult and a great mom.
TW
Thanks TW, for you kind words. It is very hard to believe myself when I'm constantly being told I'm wrong (by not only my in-laws, but my only FOO). It is often pointed out that I can't "get along with anyone" (which I can say is NOT true, but was so easy for me to believe in the past) and it's easy to believe it's me. Everyone else gets along "just fine". And fighting all of them, on both fronts, can be exhausting, lonely, tiring, and depressing.
DeleteDH's support has increased significantly over the years. I see progress all of the time and we are often moving forward with it and it's gotten better. But no, I do not have his unconditional support. No, he often can not fully see or understand what I see. I'm working on it, but it's hard to help someone out of the FOG, it's a process. But, FWIW, he has never pressured me to leave the kids with his mother. So, there's that.
What is interesting to me, is that MIL often describes me as a "good mother" to my husband, tells him that we are good parents, points out that she rarely left her young children either (although she simultaneously "suggests" that he might need a weekend away too). She talks nothing but negative about SIL. I've never heard her say a good word about her. So, it's ironic (and says SO much) that SIL, the one who plays by the "rules" is still seen as inferior to me....or at least described that way to my husband. Even SIL says that MIL prefers me, which I find hilarious (sort of). I think it all just goes to show how fucked up it all is.
Doesn't that just show that no matter what you did -leave kids with them or not leave kids with them- MIL would still not be happy? Maybe your annoyance is at the insanity or this "damned if I do and damned if I don't", because, seriously, how can anyone be expected to live like that? To be put in a lose/lose situation constantly?
DeleteThat's very true, Kara. I think MIL sets it up to look like she is both the hero (rescuing them by taking care of the kids) and the martyr (who takes care of these kids when their parents leave them all of the time). It's always "win-win" for her and "lose-lose" for everyone else.
DeleteAnd assuming I did want to leave the kids with her, I don't think it would satisfy her. She would continue to demand more and more. That's one of my issues with her, nothing is EVER enough. She pushes SIL constantly to let her babysit over SIL's mother. She continues to show up, continues to stay all of the time. It wouldn't "buy" me any time or allow me to then have some space. (Not that I would use my kids to buy me some space.)
Plus, I can only imagine the drama it would cause with SIL and BIL if I DID start vying for MILs time and energy. Another lose/lose situation, in which they talk badly about me for not leaving my kids with her, yet they wouldn't want to lose their "on call" nanny. If they had to share, they'd have a fit. As it is, even when we are all together, they expect FIL and MIL to prioritize their kids and help out (even babysit their kids at my son's birthday party so they could go shopping).
So, yes, maybe that's it. All these lose/lose situations. The constantly being cast as the ass. The witnessing of all the collusion in order to feed their own narcissistic agendas. MIL gets to look like the "good guy" and simultaneously "play mommy" and horn on in on being "most important" to the kids. DIL gets to run like the wind from her kids (she's already posting about how "wonderful" it is) while using the cover that she is "allowing the kids grandparent-time" and vice versa. None of what they say accurately describes the real undertones of the situation, but they've managed to tie up all their dysfunction with pretty bows and ribbons. To the point that they are fooling themselves.
It's just maddening.