Depressions Shadow

A friend told me last week about "living in the shadow of depression."

Lately, I've been living in NM's shadow.  It started around February, when she started hassling me to come visit.  As usual, she had to create issues and try to impose herself into "family" situations, instead of arranging a visit that would work for both of us. 

During the visit, NM created a situation in which she offered to "exchange secrets" with my son and not "tell on him" for breaking a lamp (in exchange, she told him that he couldn't say that she'd accidentally let him see some gifts I had stashed away for him for Valentine's Day.)  She felt like they were bonding.  I felt like she'd taught him to not tell someone when he'd done something wrong, as long as he "fixed" it.  That it was OK to keep secrets from his parents and to exchange secrets.  This bothered me IMMENSELY.  And I made sure to address it. 

Then, NM drummed up some drama over my sister.  See this post for details on this situation.  Basically, NM whined and cried about how our estrangement is so hard on HER.  She gave little sympathy to me.  She often has been insensitive and unfair, detailing my sister's life to me and refusing to allow me space from NSIS by constantly talking about her to me. 

Also, during this time, NM seized on a situation to try and "cement" a bond with my younger son by coming to his "rescue" when he was upset over a lost toy.  She did this by sending alternative toys for him, hoping he'd pick one and she'd be the hero. She had not real concern for my son, or me, or how we were dealing with things.  She had no confidence in me, as his mother, to deal with the problem.  She never asked about my son or how he was doing, but kept sending things and telling me how hard the situation was on HER.   Also, in the process, she purposely left out giving toys to my older son, and in the second "shipment" sent him only a pair of pants.  He is still in preschool and was, in my mind, understandably hurt.

My older son was NM's obsession when he was born.  Seriously.  She over bought, over spent, and over did everything, despite my protests (and then I just started putting things directly into a donation box.)  She was completely over indulgent (material wise) and was desperate to be important to my son.  She way over did things.  And she actually had all of his love.  If it was his love she wanted, she didn't need to look for it, or buy it, or coerce it.  She just had to accept it.  And she didn't. 

When he got older, and my younger son was born, OS began to fall out of favor.  She started to create situations in which she could then "correct" him (showing him tons of toys and then chastising him for being greedy when he pointed out a bunch of things he liked.  He was three or four at the time.  Another time, he was upset I was leaving the house for a few minutes.  NM "misheard" him say something negative to me and tried to reprimand him for that.).  It seemed that he was being pushed out of NM's "heart" to make room for my "new and improved" source of NS for her,  my younger son.  You could almost see NM trying to find reasons to favor my younger son.

When she sent the first box, with extra stuff for my younger son, I talked about it with my OS and let it go.  When it happened again, I addressed NM about it.  She told me it "figured he'd keep track."  As if it was my son's fault for noticing she was being unfair.  She laughed it off. 

It was so disturbing to me that she would slight one kid in order to make the other feel "special".  Not only did it not make my younger son special, but it made him feel bad.  It created a bad feeling around the situation.  It should me that, in NM's warped brain, it order to "feel special" someone else has to feel "less special".  Or not special at all. 

NM kept chalking it up to feeling "badly" for my younger son.  And just wanting him to have "special grandparent moments".  Really, she just likes the NS from my younger son.  He's still a toddler, still little, still squishy.  My older son has started to develop that pesky individual personality that NM seems to loathe.  The whole thing smacks of my childhood.  Treating me less, in order to make my sister feel special.  Offering me up things and then criticizing me for taking them.  Favoring one of the other and creating jealousy and resentment.  Not being fair, but always making the appearance of being fair.  In NM's mind she IS being fair to my OS, because he "got stuff too" when he was YS's age.   It doesn't occur to her, that at 5 years old, he should still expect to "get stuff too".  That he shouldn't be denied, so that NM can pretend my YS is an only child.

NM, a few days ago, snuck in another dig.  I'd told her a story (the ONE time I've talked to her on the phone in the last six months.  And in trying to change the subject, I told her an endearing story about my YS).  After the phone call, I got SIX more texts from NM (I had been pushing to get off the phone.  She later said she was "sorry to get off the phone early" and so was continuing the conversation.  In one text, she told me "your stepfather loves OS, but he has a real soft spot for YS."  WTF!!!?!  How am I suppose to take that, especially as his mother.  She doesn't seem to understand (or maybe she does) that she's basically saying they like YS better.  (And again, it would never be OK to favor one, but YS is favored purely because he's still little and not a threat to NM's fragile ego yet.)

Last night, NM started up again, trying to push for ideas for my YS's birthday.  In our phone call the other day, she had been so negative, so bitter, so gossipy.  She made some comment about how she "couldn't spend all her leisure time being a grandma" and so appreciated ideas for his birthday.  I tried to remember that, in the end, this was about my son, so if I could offer up a few ideas, so be it.  She then created drama by purposefully being vague about what she was getting (and since I had something similar or the same, I was trying to get out of her what she was getting).  I was already annoyed when she emailed "Of course, I'm sure OS will get his nose out of joint about" YS getting the gift.  She said she "felt bad" because YS doesn't get the same amount.  She wished she "could have more one on one time" with YS.  Again, she clearly doesn't get my point about being fair.  I came unglued.  I was so pissed off by this point.  How dare she AGAIN criticize my son for situations that SHE is creating.  I told her that she was unfair.  That she was not being equal.  I told her to knock it off. 

I woke up this morning to a message that completely dogged the point.  She somehow whined about "how much harder" it is to be fair as a grandmother than mother (REALLY?!  Because I don't remember her being fair at all.  And this was the NM who, just weeks ago, was lamenting all of the horrible things she did to drive a wedge between NSis and me.  Unfairness would be up at the top of that list.)  She blamed it on my stepsiblings being competitive and jealous and that she was "projecting" that on to us.  But she "had to stop and tell myself that we don't do that."  WE?!  I'm at a loss here.  She said that she "appreciated the feedback".  Like I'm giving her directions on the job.  And that she often doesn't know when she's "not being fair".  Well, considering this is the fucking third or fourth conversation about it, you'd think she'd get it by now. 

I'm so over it. 

Same is Ever

I think ACoNs have a sixth sense about when the narcs will circle.  Really, it's not a sixth sense, but an incredible ability to "feel" the storm coming before it hits.  Much like you can feel a thunderstorm coming before it arrives: the air changes, you can feel a "charge" in the wind, distant rumblings.  All the birds go quiet.   ACoNs have learned to pick up on these subtle clues and patterns.  Even if we don't fully realize it, we start to feel a sense of unease about things.

These last few months I've been really sorting through some deeper layers of feeling about my mother.  It was one thing to learn about narcissism and see the patterns, it was another to really feel my feelings about my relationship with my mother.  To get past the grief and  mourning and really have to acknowledge that she is who she is and will not change.  To fully see, without blinders, how willingly she puts me in harm's way to save herself.  How completely she disregards me as if I was completely invisible.  A specter, a ghost that she thinks she sees, but really has no ability to see me as a real person. 

Some of this has been triggered by events in my life and finally seeing how emotionally unavailable she is to me.  Some of it has been triggered by, finally, reading the McBride Book "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers."  (I know, why haven't I read it before?  Really, though, I think that it is more helpful now than it would've been if I'd read it first.)

Some of it has been triggered by my mother's behaviors.  She has been, not so subtly, referencing my sister over and over.  She brings her up in almost every conversation of length we have.  Not directly, but just casual, "oh, your sister talked to so and so."  Or including me in "group texts" that also include her.  Most recently, she sent me a picture of my sister's new couch.  Considering my sister and I have not spoken to each other in two years, this text was completely inappropriate in that context.   When I didn't respond, she sent another text, saying she'd "sent the wrong picture" of the couch.  What in the world did she expect me to say to that?

For those of you who don't know my back story (and you can go to the bottom and click the NSIS label to see posts pertaining to her, if you are interested in a more detailed version): my sister is  highly self-destructive, most-likely bipolar with narcissistic overtones, verbally abusive, irresponsible, reactive, and angry.  She is thoroughly enmeshed with my mother.  She lies, manipulates, and is extremely reactive.  Any attempts to really communicate with her are raged against, so true intimacy and connection are impossible.  I spent years and years trying to "help" her, only to be completely disregarded, upstaged, and ignored when it wasn't about her.  She has ignored (or created chaos) around the most important days of my life and nothing has every been about me with her.  I have been her support system and I am a "tool" to be used by her, a "resource".  My mother has always excused her and expected me to appease her despite my sister's escalating behaviors.   Because I have "turned out OK" (I don't act out on my emotions) my mother has always minimized and invalidated any feelings.  In any attempts I have had with my mother to address my issues with our relationship, she has gas lighted and twisted the conversation to make herself the victim.  My feelings and point of view have never truly been addressed or acknowledged by either of them. 

This all came to a head when my sister "announced" she had a very serious illness on FB, but then quickly deleted it.  Enough people saw it, that it got back to me, but my sister never told me directly (and "the illness" is still up for debate in regard to it's severity and if it existed at all.)  My sister finally "called me out" after two months for "not supporting" her during her time of need and it quickly dissolved into her screaming and raging at me (she'd been screaming and raging and lying to my father.)  I tried in successive emails to begin a discussion about how dysfunctional our relationship was.  She continued to rage, call me names, ignore my boundaries (only discussing by email), gas lighted, twisted, demeaned me, and then tried to "play pretend" and go on as usual (by asking my advice on a new bed she was buying -while taking money from my father to pay for her "bills" .)  I'd had enough and chose to not continue the discussion.  I was at a lose on how to proceed, as she doesn't seem to understand anything I say.  I haven't really heard from her in months, and that was only a text of "Merry Christmas".  She has sent random gifts to my kids (whom she sometimes acknowledges, sometimes doesn't and who she considers more of an extension of me than someone to have a relationship with), but only to one kid for his birthday and not the other.   All of this seemed like lame attempts to "pacify" me. 

NM and I have had a "cooling off" lately (mainly on my end) where I have remained detached in our communications.  I'm not ignoring her, but I'm not really actively pursuing a relationship.  After the situation yesterday (see previous post), I emailed her to figure out her schedule (and she again ignored that I was upset about something and blew me off, not that I expected her to do that.)  Last night, I got this message: (And I usually don't like to directly copy messages, but in this case, I don't think the true nature of the message can be conveyed without the direct text.  A few minor details have been concealed. My thoughts are in italics afterward. )


"Hey do you still have all those albums(records) from the 70's that your dad and I had."  The "old" me would've said just "yes" and left it at that.  But something in me told me that she was baiting me, and this time I decided to address that directly. And I actually couldn't remember if I had them.  NM gave me boxes of old shit of her and my dad's years ago to "store" that she did not "want in her house anymore.  This included all of the family photos of me and sister growing up. 

Me: "Did I have them? If I did, I still would have them. Why?"

NM: "Well stupid question on my part, of course you have them. Lol  (NSIS) has been buying old albums, and asked me if I had them still and if so she would like a few. Now that was not the best proper way to bring this up, but it is the best I know how. I don't remember what is in the inventory, except the good bad and the ugly.. I want that one, fits me. Lol. I think a (record title),  (band name) album was there too.. I told her I am sure they can be spit up between you two..I am trying to write this the best I can, it is just hard when my daughters are not in contact with each other and I am the root of the problem. Please don't blame (NSIS) for the decisions she made in her life that were made because of my wrong decisions"

So, first, it occurred to me how easily I would've "missed" this bait line before.  How she throws these things out there, hoping to snag me in a conversation and not just being upfront.  And she is clearly aware of that.

Some other thoughts:

Why not just say "Do you have those records?  If so, your sister wants some and can we divide them up."  Done and done.  But NOPE, she has to stir up drama and bring it back to our relationship.  To me, I bet she's been looking for this opening for a LONG time. 

Her continual "not the best way" business is annoying as hell.  Of course it's not the best way.  It's late at night, in a FB message, and not really relevant to what she wants to say.   And the "it's just hard when my daughters are not in contact" is clearly ALL ABOUT HER.   And then she says that she is the "root of the problem".  That's news to me.  She never takes responsibility.  And I don't think she really is now either.  If she wanted to take responsibility, or really discuss this, it wouldn't be tacked on to a fucking message about old records.  HOW is she the root of the problem?  Does she seem sorry?  NO.  It appears to me to be only a "victim" plea.

Then, she goes back into the same sort of bullshit, "don't blame NSIS, she knows not what she does."  This is the same story I've heard over and over and over.  Nothing is NSIS's fault.  Which is A LOT of the reason NSIS is in the situation she is in now.  NM has always infantilized her and never held her accountable.  And I'm supposed to just "excuse" that.  I might add that my sister is in her MID- THIRTIES.  Far too old to be blaming "mommy" for her problems.

And really, even if I accept that excuse, where does that leave me?  I see so much blame shifting here.  So much avoidance of responsibility.  Smoke and mirrors.  And triangulating. 

I thought, for one moment, that she was actually trying to make an attempt to change.  And that sort of sucked too.  After spending years trying to get past her, I wasn't keen on jumping back into that mess.

The whole message left me rolling my eyes.  This, in and of itself, was a huge step for me.  I felt mild annoyance, but not anger, not venom, not bitterness.  I felt clear headed and unemotionally charged when I typed up my response. 

Me: "(NSIS) has been a grown woman for a long time now, and any and all decisions she makes are by her own choices. We are not in contact now because she chooses to hurt me, disrespect me, and shows little consideration for me. Among other things. And it is a pattern that I have hoped would change as she grew up. It did not.

That being said, she is welcome to any and all of the records. I have told her before that I would give everything back to you and that you could then split it up. When you come down, you can grab them."

I was trying to be as "neutral" and "just the facts, ma'am" as I could.  I didn't want to JADE, but wanted to be clear about my position on my relationship with NSIS.  And frankly, I couldn't ignore the situation forever and stick my head in the sand.

NM replied:  "Awwww..., I didn't want this to go this way...and it is really not about me. They will be split..I really do thank you for storing them, and it was wrong for me to put that on you. I really do apologize. .. Not asking you to forgive just know I am truly sorry.."


Go which way?  WTF?  I can see, maybe how she might have read "anger" in my reply, but it is a bit of a stretch.  To me, she is "finding drama" in the message.  And subtly suggesting I'm being reactive.  And what did she expect me to say?  To just "soften" and let "go of my grudge" (which I think is how she views this.  That I'm just holding a grudge and that it can be all patched up with hugs and an apology.  This relationship has gone off the track for 30 years.  And it wasn't great to begin with. 

And apologize for WHAT?  Seriously, this is the lamest apology in the world if she is expecting it to make up for all the crap all these years.  And really,  I suspect she's apologizing for me storing her shit, and not for anything real.  "I'm not asking you to forgive...." Really?  I doubt that.  And "truly sorry" for WHAT? 

Then, she topped it off with this:

NM:  "(NSIS) has been getting help for her choices and life decisions this past year, and I pray she has the life ahead she truly wants. ..I can't judge her for her decisions, as I know as more come out her reactions and choices for her life in the past were due to my immature decisions and how she reacted were different then how you reacted. Not to say you ever went without hurt and hardship, you handled them different. and not to stay you don't still don't have pain...I am not excusing (NSIS) nor is she excusing her decisions because of what I did, I just know things would be different if I had not made stupid choices. I hurt every day to what I caused...and never ever wanted to hurt my daughters or their relationship with each other..I hope someday you reunite. Love you!"

OK, starting from the top of this: NM starts out immediately minimizing NSIS's behaviors and "balancing" them out by saying she is "getting help".  Getting help from who?  The last time she told me that NSIS was getting help, NSIS was just doing yoga.  And that was supposed to "help".  And from what I've seen (several crazy FB posts that were completely nuts) NSIS hasn't changed at all.  And even if she has, she has made NO attempts to actually work on our relationship.  And also, that is NSIS's place to reach out, NOT NM's.    "I can't judge..." I'm assuming that she is implying that I am judging NSIS.  Clearly, by choosing to step out of NSIS's narcissistic reach, I am being judgmental and bitter, according to NM.  "as more comes out....due to my immature decisions."  Immature?  WOW, that's a complete mischaracterization.  You've all read my childhood, was she just "immature"?  Again, sounds like excuses, just for NM this time.   And the whole sentence there is convoluted.  SHE won't judge and SHE knows the "real truth" and if I knew that "truth" (which she likes to withhold, but clearly likes to hint at.  NM likes to be "in the know".) I wouldn't be so horrible and "hold it against" NSIS (and again, she's ignoring the fact that NSIS continually and habitually does horrible things to me).    The next bit about how NSIS just "chose to react" differently and all she says about my pain and hardship feels completely minimizing to me.  Like "I know you had some bad times, but CLEARLY NSIS's were worse.  And so you need to get over it and help her."  It's all about NSIS's issues, and mine couldn't clearly be as bad, and aren't worth talking about and it's the same as it ever was.  This is the same. damn. pattern of our relationship that we've always had.  Jessie's feelings, pain, issues, hardships don't really count.  And while she "nods" in my direction, she doesn't really give a shit about what is really going on in my end of this situation.  It's ALL about NSIS.  NSIS is (finally) doing a teeny bit to get her life on track and I'm supposed to throw her a parade.  And because I never inflicted my "pain" on NM or NSIS, than clearly it wasn't that bad.  

And then NM again references "stupid choices".  She didn't make stupid choices.  She abandoned her kids, put her feelings first, ignored everything that was going on with us, inflicted emotional pain by forcing us to chose between "her feelings" and "not supporting her new marriage"- to the man she had an affair with, and has continued to make sure that EVERYTHING revolves around her.  This was one stupid choice 20 years ago.  This is a lifetime of being a selfish and self absorbed mother who can't empathize with her daughter to save her life.  She has done nothing to remedy things, has never truly taken responsibility, or attempted to heal herself or work on things.

And even though, clearly, her mothering effected my sister, it does not excuse the years of her treating me horribly as adults.  I tried and tried and tried to fix this relationship.  And nothing worked.  I tried to be OK with being completely marginalized, ignored, and verbally abused, manipulated, lied to and walking on eggshells.  And I left because, at some point, it became her or me.  So, yes, I can empathize with NSIS (and shouldn't NM be able to realize that?  That I GET IT that NSIS has issues?) but I won't tolerate being abused by her because of it. 

This last message left me tongue tied.  Several things came to mind.  And yes, part of me was angry.  All I see here is a pity-party for poor NM who was really just a "victim" in her mind.  How badly NM hurts.  How Nm feels.  What NM needs.  And a lot of excuses for NSIS.  A lot of asking me to completely brush my feelings and concerns under the rug and go back to the way it was (mainly for NM's sake, not for our own sakes.)    I drafted several responses, but they clearly were reactive and I didn't want that.  I wanted to respond in a way that made sure she knows that this sort of weak attempt at apologizing (and manipulating me) is not going to work.  And that she knows her offering up an apology for my sister's shitty relationship with me is not acceptable.  It is neither appropriate or OK.  It is complete triangulation and an attempt to control the adult relationships of her daughters.  And it's none of her business. 

On a positive note, even though I am bothered by this email, I have not been leveled by it.  I feel myself responding instead of just reacting to her behavior.  I don't feel particularly hurt, although I am angry and annoyed (both feelings I allowed myself to feel and am trying to process and let go).  Although there is lots of "pretenses" of caring her on my mother's part, I don't see any real change. This is how the relationship with my mother and sister had been all along.  And NM is just working at being "peace" broker for her own needs (to feel good about herself, she loves to "rescue" and to make herself feel better about her "stupid choices").  She needs to learn to butt the fuck out.   I did not feel sucked into her bullshit, although I did feel a moment of panic that she was trying to attempt a real relationship (that fear immediately went away after I read the whole exchange.  There is no real effort on her part.) 

I feel saddened by all of this, but not defeated (like I would have).  But I do need advice on what to say next.  I don't want to JADE.  I don't want to explain.  And I want her to butt the hell out.  Any suggestions or thoughts?  Anything is appreciated. 
 

 

 

Call Me Crazy

So, a situation came up in the past few days that I think highlights the difficulty of being an ACoN and being involved with narcs.  For many, many people, I don't think they'd ever understood why this ticked me off.  And if I told the story to someone off the street, they'd probably think that it is more "my" issue than my in-laws being inconsiderate. 

My younger son's birthday is a few months away.  I've begun making plans for his party.  I have gotten myself entangled into family parties (parties in which the grandparents and some of the aunts and uncles as well as some family friends come).   I like throwing the parties for my kids, I like doing something special for them, and I like to create a special experience for them.  The grandparents have always felt that they wanted to come (both my mother and my in-laws).  I had planned to reserve the party this week (and pay a deposit). 


So, yesterday, DH and BIL met up at the park with the kids.   During the conversation, DH asked BIL about a Disney trip they mentioned they were planning.  BIL and SIL had both told us months ago that they were wanting to do a Disney trip with both sets of their kids' grandparents (BIL's parents are DH's parents, and obviously, also my kids' grandparents.)   BIL told DH that they would be leaving the weekend before my sons' birthday and coming back on the weekend of his birthday.  My MIL and FIL are going with them (but not SIL's mother now). 

So, if this was a normal family, you'd just schedule a different time for our party, happy for their trip.  And maybe that's what I should do.  I could see how I could be accused of over reacting and just making this about expecting them to meet my needs.  One could say that I don't have a right to expect that they would consider my son's birthday when making their vacation plans.

But here are my gripes:

*My son's birthday is not a surprise.  The birthday parties are not a surprise.  We have had one for all my kids' birthdays (7 total) for the past 5 years.  BIL, SIL, their kids, MIL, and FIL have attended everyone (as they live in town).  We got to every one of their kids' birthday parties.  We think that it's important, as they are our FAMILY.  We always make a point (even though it is a really busy time of year) to keep their birthday weekend open.   (I should say that BIL and SIL don't seem to think it's a big deal for aunts and uncles to come.  In fact, they upset BIL's younger brother last year by telling him he could NOT come because they had to many "other" people coming.    BIL and SIL are all about making impressions and will push aside family for random people.  And they'd never miss a friend's kids birthday if they thought it would upset their "friends".)

*Most of the birthday parties have been upstaged by some drama on the part of my in-laws: The first one, BIL and SIL were well over an hour late.  MIL lied to us and said it had to do with her mother going to the hospital.  I found out later that SIL was so angry at MIL for stopping by her house before the party, that she had refused to come to my son's birthday (I'm not really sure WHY being angry at MIL was a good enough excuse for not coming to her nephew's first birthday, but she seemed to think it was.)  MIL and FIL spent the first few hours putting together the wagon they bought for my kid.  SOOOO, we spent the first two hours of a party that was only supposed to be two hours waiting on them.   At my second son's first birthday, MIL decided to invite some long lost relative (because they called her and she couldn't say no) to my son's intimate party.  It served to be a huge distraction.  At one party, SIL and BIL didn't show up until later, as they decided to go suitcase shopping instead (I caught the drift that SIL thinks that since it's a "kid's party" she didn't need to be there, even though he is her nephew.)  She sent the kids with my in-laws, who then were on babysitting duty (not that they did that, they plopped them with me) instead of celebrating my son.  When SIL and BIL did show up, there was so much tension between the two of them that neither one spoke to me or DH and then they promptly left.  They completely drew all the attention to themselves.  One party, MIL occupied herself by discussing the final moments of FIL's mother's death with every guest.  They are generally late, don't help, and always seem to create some sort of drama around themselves.  Last year, MIL complained that we didn't tell her soon enough about my older son's party (we told her over a month in advance) and she'd "almost scheduled something that weekend".  His birthday party is damn near the exact same every year, did it not occur to her that it might be around that time?  And doesn't the phone work both ways?  Couldn't she call and ask US?  Last year, she also tried to get us to rearrange our younger son's date to accommodate when she was in town babysitting my niece and nephew ("oh, it's not this weekend, but the following?  Oh."  Can you almost hear the big sigh.   Apparently having my son's aunt and uncle in attendance wasn't a big deal.)

*NO ONE BOTHERED TO CALL AND TELL US THEY SCHEDULED A TRIP.  I mean, fine, go on your little vacation together.  But do you think you could give us a call and let us know?  It feels an awful lot like they are not thinking about us at all.  MIL surely knows it's DS's birthday.  Why not call and give us a head's up?  It makes me feel like my son isn't a priority at all.  Like we don't even register on their "radar".  And I could give her that she's just "spacey" except she managed to schedule my FIL's birthday party months in advance. 

*If this wasn't the millionth time that we have been expected to just "rearrange" our plans to accommodate them, it wouldn't bother me so much.  But we are always an "afterthought".  We are always expected to work around them.  They don't seem to care much about making sure they are their for OUR kids at all.  BIL and SIL suck up MIL and FIL's time all the time (not that I really care, but the point is that it's HUGELY unbalanced).  I rarely ask anything of them, and they can't make it a priority at all. 

*These people talk and talk about how great a family they are, how wonderful they are together.  But it feels an awful lot like it's all on THEIR terms, on THEIR schedule, and revolved around THEIR needs.  They make no effort to accommodate anyone else (by not "popping in", not expecting us to just drop everything to do what they want, by not bothering to call and COMMUNICATE with us what is going on.  BIL and MIL just make plans, and we get whatever is left over.  Always.  MIL doesn't call and try and make plans with just us, or to see what we are doing.   I know, it works both ways and I don't call THEM to make plans - I don't want to make plans with them - but I find it interesting that MIL doesn't EVER bother to make plans to do anything with us when it is not an "add on" to something else she is doing.)

*And this one is a bit petty, because I really don't WANT to go with them....but I thought it was interesting they'd plan a "family Disney trip" and not even bother to see if we wanted to go.  Our kids are the exact same ages.  And they are they only grandkids of FIL and MIL's.  Is it a bit weird that they didn't even consider that we might like to go too (which I don't, but it feels like they are sucking up all of FIL and MIL"s resources for their own kids, and not thinking about our kids at all.  Again, I'd rather cut off my pinkie finger than vacation with MIL, but they don't seem to think about our feelings.)  And while I could expect that from BIL and SIL and not think too much of it, why has MIL not said anything about the trip to us?  (And for the record, MIL and FIL had to pay their own way and had to split the cost of the condo and trip.  It also is not a coincidence, in my book, that SIL's birthday happens to fall during the same week.  I'm guessing she and BIL plan to sneak away and leave the kids with the "babysitters".   SIL and BIL have always used their parents as "nannies" and depend on them to take the kids a lot. )   MIL and FIL are both retired and don't have tons of funds...I can't imagine they'd want to travel to Disney again.  Like I said, it's petty, because I don't want to go with them, but I find it messed up that the whole family would pack up and do a "family trip" over the top of my son's birthday. 

So, maybe I'm being petty.  Maybe I'm being ridiculous.  Maybe it's not a big deal to move it to another weekend.  I guess I'm just so sick of the chaos they seem to create around every party.  Is it that hard?  Are their nephews and grandsons so unimportant that they don't even think about it?  Am I being ridiculous or are they just truly selfish people?

For the record, DH said fuck them this time.  If they can't make an effort, than we will plan the party without them.  I was a bit surprised, but am feeling glad that he can finally see through this bullshit.  It's not a huge thing, but it the continual disregard for us at all that drives me crazy.  It is this pattern of them not making us a priority.  I don't need it all the time.  I don't need to "be in control".  But it would be nice if someone consider us at all.  If we weren't just "scenery" they move around at will.  It's so very subtle and I could be considered over reacting, but I just can't shake that we don't really matter at all.

Lost Heros

So, yesterday I explored some feelings on my blog around a situation that is going on in my home with my son and my mother's lack of support.  I'm not sure that I really got to the core of the issue (for myself) and as I wrote, I sort of felt like I was grasping blindly in the dark for something but just couldn't reach it.  I was sort of feeling around the issue, but not fully "seeing" it.  Then something my friend Kara said sort of "brought all the pieces" together for me.

As an aside,  I sometimes try to "mask" the details of my life in order to remain anonymous.  So, like yesterday,  I sort of talked around the issue.  I feared if NM found this blog, she'd immediately recognize the details and know it was me.  BUT, I think I've already sort of given myself away, so I thought I need to be more open about the situation so that I could explore it fully (without worrying about "covering" for myself). 

The issue was that my littlest son (who's 2) lost his very favorite "lovey".  It is a small, dark colored (hard to find) stuffed toy that he has had since he was three months old.  It also belonged to his brother (who never fully attached to it, but attached to the blanket it came with as a set.  Something that I felt a bit ironic.)  He had other options, but he picked this toy to attach to.  It is a very important "member" of our household.    And it disappeared.  It does not leave the house and I know it is in my home somewhere.  I have driven myself CRAZY trying to locate it.

A child often picks a "transitional object" to attach to as the learn to separate from their mother.  It is the first thing that "belongs" to them and helps to define them as separate (in theory).  It is something to help them learn to sooth themselves away from their mother (and represents a part of her) and provides comfort for a child during stressful situations. 

I have diligently looked after that thing for almost three years (and five years with his brother's loveys).  I have hunted and searched and worried about that animal.  When it went missing, I panicked and felt a whole surge of emotions.   At first, I felt extremely upset.  I worried my poor boy would not be able to sleep, that I wouldn't be able to comfort him.  That he'd have to mourn.  (As I'm struggling with some very similar issues right now, I think this part hit me a little hard.)  I didn't want him to feel sadness (and also realized it is a part of life).   I worried that I wouldn't be able to comfort him.  (Those worries tended to be unfounded, but as an ACoN mom, I'm always worried about the "emotional line" I tow with my kids.   I don't want to be under emotional, but I don't want to give emotions too much power that my kids are overwhelmed....really, it's hard to teach a skill to my kids that I'm working on myself.    This is also a topic for another post that I would like to explore.)  I felt a touch of sadness and nostalgia for the dang thing.  Losing it felt like losing a piece of my son's "babyhood".  I don't plan on having more kids (again, something I'm dealing with right now) so losing the toy was sort of a "tangible" symbol of moving past having a baby.  I had some sentimental attachment to it too.    I also felt extremely GUILTY.  Guilty I had let it get lost, guilty for having a lot of my own feelings, guilty that I'd let my son down.  I stressed and stressed about the appropriate way to handle this and how to help my boy.

Now, don't get me wrong, this is not about me.  None of my feelings got in the way of helping my son.  He didn't see (nor did I hint at) any of my own feelings and I made sure to focus on the best ways to help him.  But, since this is my blog, and I need a place to talk about my feelings, which is why I'm talking about me, and not my son, today.  And yes, through the whole thing I tried to make sure I was keeping the attention and focus where it belonged. 

This would've also been the time that having my own mother to lean on would've helped (as I wrote about yesterday).  I was comforted today by a blog (written by a therapist) about what she did when her child lost his lovey.  Her feelings were very similar to mine and it helped me to feel comforted that I was having "normal" reactions instead of "ACoN mommy" overreactions. (This woman stated she had wanted to call and "bawl to her mommy" too.   She didn't, but she had that option if she wanted to.)  I also had my lovely friend, Kara, who held my hand too.  That definitely helped.

It was something Kara said about my mom that really "clicked" about why my mom's involvement in the whole situation bothered me.  I posted on FB that the lovey was lost.  I had hoped that the positive messages from friends and family back would somehow help me find the toy (I know, sounds like voodoo mystic crap, but I was desperate).  NM offered some messages of "help" but then ignored the whole thing for five days.  Friday and Saturday, the crazy woman sent me several texts that were all "me, me, me, me".  She didn't bother to ask about my son (or me, but who am I kidding) at all.  I get that she doesn't see me, but it fucking sucks when I see her completely ignore the grandkids she "loves" so much.  When they were babies, it was harder to see, but as they've gotten older, it's clear to see she only materializes when it benefits here.

And so, cue Sunday, when suddenly she asked about the toy and told me she had been on a quest to find a replacement.  I told her not once, but SEVERAL times, that it was OK, my son was working on it and we were "trying out" suitable replacements.  Despite that, she spent all of Sunday and some of Monday trying to find a replacement.

Sounds nice right?  Grandma looking to help her grandson?  But she's not helping him.  She's not sending something hoping he might pick it.  She's sending something, fantasies already concocted in her head that she's going to "be the hero and save the day" and SHE is going to replace the toy.    She purposely waited for this moment to decide to "support" us in a way that benefited her.  And she's not actually doing something for my son because she cares.  She's doing this in an effort to "assign" herself the roll of hero.  She's not earning the roll, but creating it so that she can then "play the part".  As I see it, she has noticed an opportunity and is jumping on it and it is all a very, very, subtle way to turn all of the attention to her.  If she was trying to help, she would've been helping all along, and not just "coming to the rescue" when she sees an "easy" way to fix the problem (and really, her arrogance that SHE is the one that will find the replacement pisses me off.  My son should chose it, not her.)

NM loves to play this "hero" roll.  It is her favorite form of narc supply.  She loves to be the one who solves the problems, has all the advice, fixes things for people.  She needs people to depend on her "smarts" and "wit" and "problem solving skills" to fill good about herself. 

And here's the really fucked up part, the part that I've seen dimly before but see clearly now, she actually creates situations so that she can swoop in and play the hero.  She will cut me down and criticize me so that she can then "comfort" me.  She will allow someone to languish in pain, so that she can then be the "healer".  She will remove other "comfort objects" from my kids (she has stood between me and my screaming children so they couldn't get to me, demanding they let her comfort them.  She refused my older son his comfort objects and demanded that she should comfort him instead.)  She allows my sister to flounder and enables her so that she remains in a position of "needing" my mother for "support" and comfort.  She infantilizes her so that she doesn't learn to take care of herself....and then she needs NM to "rescue" her from behaving like that.  NM always ready with advice, "love", and money. 

NM loved to "rescue" my grandparents and take over too.  She would often not include her siblings in issues surrounding their medical care, so that she could then point out how she had "taken care of" my grandparents.  She sends them money and then claims she is the only one who supports them.  I can think of tons of times she allowed me to be emotionally hurt so that she could then be of comfort to me.  Specifically, I know she used to go to my father when my sister wasn't behaving.  He'd step in and discipline her, at the request of my mother and in a horribly harsh way (which NM knew he would do).  And then she'd step in and "comfort" my sister.  I often wonder if she allowed my father to be harsh with us specifically so she could then "rescue" us (plus, it was a good cover for her own asshole behaviors.)  I also think that NM's continual description of me as "nervous and anxious" was trumped up so that she could do things for me and make it look like rescuing.  Because I'm too an

I have a good friend who's NM mother has Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (they create medical problems in others in order to look like the "rescuer" when they bring the relative in for care.  For example, a mother slightly poisons her kids, so she can get attention when she brings them in for treatment.)  I think my mother has a very similar issue, except that she creates emotional stress in people, so that she can then "rescue" them emotionally. 

The other issue I have with her need to rescue is that, often, I DO NOT NEED HER TO RESCUE ME.  Yes, in this situation with my son, some support would've been nice.  I did not need her to buy (several) new toys.  One toy would've been one thing.  But making a production of her search, buying several, and not even one that is close to the original is something else (oh, and she knows where she could actually find a replacement, but chose not to do that.)  I do not need her to step in and solve this problem.  I am the mom, I will take care of it, and I will solve the problem.  But to her, if I refuse her "help" I'm being ungrateful. 

It's such a catch 22.  Because what she is basically saying is that she doesn't think I CAN solve the problem myself.  That I NEED her to step in and take care of it. She does not believe in me.   I have felt the refrain of this sentiment over and over in my life (and can see it more clearly with my sister).  Her constant need to step in says I am incompetent.  When my son was born, she would buy out stores of clothes and toys.  At Christmas, she sends HUNDREDS of dollars of stuff (that I later get criticized for by others because my kids 'have so many toys').  I do not need her to clothe my kids.  I do not need her to send toys.  I am perfectly capable of it.  But she continually does it and then acts as if she's done me some huge favor.  And if I tell her it's too much, I'm ungrateful.  She's just "trying to help".  When I tell my kids to do something, she parrots me afterward, as if I need her help to get them to oblige.  It is so degrading.  She is robbing me of fulfilling my parental obligation to my kids, and hides it under generosity and kindness. 

Basically, she creates a situation of emotional strife, tells me I can't handle it, determines that she will rescue me, and then determines "how" she wants to rescue me.  Oh, and then I'm supposed to be grateful for it. 

My MIL has a very similar pattern.  Although they have a similar effect on me, I hadn't been able to quite pin how they were similar.  But they both need to be needed.  They both PUT their children in situations (or hold them in situations) so that they can rescue and be the care taker. (For example, MIL will share negative gossip someone else has said about me, and then offer "sympathy" that someone would say those things.) The both want to rush in and be the "one" that everyone looks to, the one who fixes it all. 

It's amazing to me how an act of "kindness" can hide such subversive and horrible motives.  How they will sacrifice the health and self esteem of their children to make themselves into the fantasies they have created.  I know that I've discussed the principles of this before and I think I have a good theoretical understanding of them.  But to actual see the "inner workings" of how this gets done is disturbing.  To know that for most "normal" people, all they see is a loving and helpful grandmother, is scary. 

******************************************************************************

Post Note:  One of NM's suggestions to me for dealing with this was for my older son to give his lovey to his brother.  When I pointed out that this was not fair, NM said "true" but she felt so bad for my younger son (so it's all about NM?).  WTF?  How does that accomplish anything?   Kara pointed out that it is absurd to think that because one son attached to it, the other son will too.  For me, I was appalled to think she'd rip the comfort from one son and just give it to the other, thinking NOTHING about my older son.  What would my older son do without his comfort object?  I told NM that my older son had generously offered up many of his other toys.  This gesture of love meant nothing to my mother.  She felt it best to just "rearrange" the objects (including the kids) into her idea of "fixed".  She is crazy. 

Missing

It has gotten easier to catalogue the ways NM has hurt me.  The times that she has purposely done something to hurt me.  When she's allowed her jealousy or insecurity to validate undercutting me.  I've watched her try and steal love from me.  I've watched NM force me to make sacrifices to appease her (or NM's emotional state).  I've felt used by her constant need for attention and validation.  I've felt the sting of her criticisms and nasty manipulative abuses.

I'm getting better about feeling anger and hurt over the injustices she does to me.  But I'm only recently realizing how much I've missed out on by having a mother like mine. 

Recently,  I have been struggling with a parenting challenge.  Nothing huge, but just one of those "bumps" in the road of parenting.  This issue caused my littlest child some significant stress and it's been hard to watch and find appropriate solutions.  My heart hurts for my poor little guy.

And, at the same time, this challenge has brought up a lot of feelings in me.  Probably just typical things that any parent would go through.  It has highlighted some milestones for me, and reminded me how fast time is flying.  It's brought up some odd feelings of abandonment for me.   And, of course, the issue is not about me, it's about my son, so that is where my attention and focus is.

NM has been aware of this challenge but has offered very little actual support for it.  She made a big deal of it on FB the first day, but then ignored it (while texting me a million texts about HER).  In the last few days, she has been asking about it again, but only in reference to how SHE is going to fix the issue for me (and of course, her ideas of how to "fix it" are so. far. off.   She clearly doesn't get the issue at all.)

And for some reason, her stupid little texts, which are not really that different than the drivel she usually doles out, really upset me.

And then it occurred to me how many times my mother has simply not been there when I needed a mother.  That at times when I really, really could have used a "mom" to call, someone to lean on, she was not there.  Right now,  I could really use a chat with my mother, someone to tell me it will be OK.  Someone to give me a bit of comfort and support, so that I can continue to support my son.  Someone to have my back and be my comfort as  I work through all of this tough stuff that can come with being a parent.  I wish I had a mom to ask advice from.  I wish I had a mom to step in and give me some respite when my energy stores are depleted. 

I wish I had a mom who could've comforted me when my older son had surgery last year.  Instead I had to tell her not to come, as I didn't want her attention seeking behavior to distract from my son.

I wish I had a mom who would've comforted me after I had my children and taken care of me.  Instead, she made it all about her and expected a pat on the back for her help.

I wish I'd had a mom who'd stood beside me at my wedding, instead of constantly making demands and throwing fits.

I wish I'd had a mom to pick out a prom dress WITH me (not FOR me).  A mom who would've ran my theater script lines with me.  A mom who asked about my friends.  A mom who was interested in what I was doing.  Instead, my mom only had a basic knowledge of what I was doing in my life.  It's still that way.  And it drives me crazy when she tells me she knows me better than anyone else.  She doesn't know me at all. 

I wish I'd had a mom who would've rubbed my head and comforted me when I was sick, instead of acting like I was an inconvenience.  I wish I had a mom who hadn't thought of me as an inconvenience at all. 

I wish I'd had a mom that I was excited to call and tell I was pregnant, instead of a mom I put off calling because I didn't want to deal with her reaction (and the NS SHE would require). 


There have been so many moments that I've been appalled at the things my mother does to me.  But looking at all the moments she was a shadow figure in my life.  A cardboard cutout of a mother.  It makes me so incredibly sad.

 I don't think a lot of people understand this.  They think "make amends.  Work on the relationship."  Like if I tried hard enough, I could have the mother I needed.  Hell, I know I thought that for a long time.  But it wouldn't matter what I needed, or how I called and asked for it, or how hard I worked to make the relationship.  My mother would never be their for me like I needed her to be. 

I was discussing this all with my husband, who was just not getting why something that he felt "looked" a lot the same on the surface was making me so upset and why I still seemed to be hurting over the same injury.  I told him that a friend of ours had held a tribute dinner for her mother who died a few years back.  That, even though this friend has moved on and made peace with it, there would always be moments where she missed her mother.  Moments she wished her mother could be there with her.

And it feels a lot like that to me (not to minimize my friend's loss at all).  I feel like, sometimes, I look around and "miss" my mother.  I miss not having someone there for me.  Someone that has my back and is looking out for me.  I miss having a mother who shares in my kids with me.  I miss having a mother to call and discuss my challenges with.   NM is there, but she doesn't really exist. 

I suppose I have a lot more mourning to do for the mother who didn't show up.

Floating In

I hadn't thought about this particular memory in a long time.  It sort of floated into my consciousness the other day, and I'm not exactly sure why.  I remember at the time feeling absolutely dejected, although on the surface, it didn't seem like such a big deal.

I've written before about my parents divorce and how it just devastated me.  Of course, it wasn't a complete shock, as my parents fought a lot and didn't seem particularly in love.  Our house was a negative, somewhat cold household.  But I was 14 and I remember thinking that parents don't get divorced when their kids are 14.  I can remember thinking that I was "safe" from that happening (which, for a kid to be thinking about that at all must mean I had some inklings things were not good).  It came shortly on the heels of my father losing his job and going back to college (which made money more scarce, and amped up NM's anxiety) and the death of my grandfather.   I sort of felt like I was in a tail spin.

And the divorce itself was hard.  My dad fell apart and my sister fell apart.  It was like a bomb exploded in my life, shattering the pieces to the far corners of the world.  And then there was NM.  She was happy for the most part.  She felt it was "finally (her) turn to be happy".  She was in love, in a new romance, and she had stars in her eyes.  The problem was, she also decided to "check out" of being a mom at that point (not that she had been a gold star mom before that, but she completely took a vacation from almost all mom duties).

NM was completely checkout and it she never checked in to see how I was doing.  I got no counseling.  She never discussed my feelings (when I tried, she made it clear I was infringing on her happiness and I didn't have a right to deny her her happiness.  And, hell, I wanted her to be happy, right?).  My dad was so devastated that he was useless.  My sister was spiraling out of control. 

I remember that for a long time (weeks, a month?)  I didn't come out of my bedroom.  I borrowed my father's small black and white television for my room.  I got up, took a shower, and went back to my room until the bus came.   I didn't talk to anyone.  I went to school, came home, and went back to my room.  I came out to eat dinner (silently) and went back to my room for the rest of the day.   Even if I only did this for a week, shouldn't that have been enough to clue NM into the fact that maybe I wasn't handling things that well.  I do remember my dad coming back to check on me.  Once.  But at least he asked me if I was OK.  NM just ignored me.

NM had an affair with the man she would later marry.  I remember not feeling very kindly towards my stepdad.  How could I like him?  He was the reason (in my mind) my parents divorced.  When NM introduced us to him, she gave us no warning.  NSIS and I were lounging around on a Sunday, watching TV, when she rolled in with him and his kids.  I remember feeling completely off guard and...just weird.  It was weird.  And NM expected us to love him as much as SHE loved him.  She told me, not too many years ago, that she had felt that step dad would be a "better" father for us.   Like she had traded my "old" dad in and got us a new, better, (richer), model.  I remember feeling very bitter, but NM would have none of that.

When she got married, it was a small "family" affair.  Just me, NSIS, my aunt, uncle, and two cousins and stepdad's parents and kids.  Maybe a friend or two.  Most of NM's family didn't come (I wonder why now....)  NM had decided that NSIS and I should sing NM and stepdad's "song" for their wedding.

There was a lot of little things that NM kept secret.  She and stepdad signed their cards, and had on the cake, a number (213).  NM wouldn't tell me what it meant, but I imagine that it was the hotel room number where they would meet up (I DID know that they had one specific hotel that they would meet at.  I can't remember how I found that out....)

So, all these secret little things, toted as "romantic symbols", the marriage itself, the wedding made me feel so many things.  Grossed out, bitter, angry, sad.  I felt all hope I had that my parents would get back together would disappear when NM got married again.  It was a really, really rough day for me and NSIS.  I struggled to put on the happy face and be "happy" like NM wanted.  I struggled with the step family who didn't seem to want anything to do with us.  I struggled to accept the step father whom I felt had betrayed my family, whom I blamed for so many things. 

And NM wanted me to get up and SING HER DAMN LOVE SONG TOO.  I remember telling her I didn't want to do.  I didn't tell her exactly why (I mean, she wasn't interested in my feelings) but it had to occur to her that this would be a hard day.  Somewhere, along the line, when NSIS was drinking or I was locking myself in my room, or I went to high school every day in sweat pants, a flannel and no makeup that something was WRONG.  She HAD to have known.  It HAD to have occurred to her that her wedding might be hard on me and NSIS.

But she, apparently, didn't give a shit.  Because she was pushing, hard, for NSIS and I to sing that damn song.  I remember her attributing my not wanting to do it to nerves.  Maybe I even told her I was too nervous.  But she had to know that wasn't true either.  I had been in theater for YEARS, performed a ton of solos in front of people.  I didn't have stage fright. 

I just didn't want to stand up and be a part of her "celebration" of her marriage.  A marriage that symbolized, to me, the end of my family, the end of my childhood, the reason my mother abandoned me.   She abandoned me and my sister for her "new" family, and now she wanted to celebrate that.  And she expected me to play my part of happy, little daughter.  She didn't care that I felt I was dishonoring my father.  That I felt I was being disrespectful by acknowledging, by singing their "love song", to them.  I remember feeling so horribly conflicted. 

And she either didn't care, didn't notice, or didn't want to notice.  It doesn't really matter.  All she cared about that day was herself.  All she cared about was HER happiness, HER marriage, and God forbid, she have to put that aside for a moment and think about how her children might be processing that day. 

It's not a huge thing, singing a song at a wedding.  But it symbolizes so much of what was wrong in her damn head.  And how enmeshed I was.  Because I ended up singing the damn song. 

Intellectual Anger versus Emotional Anger

This last month has not been easy with NM.  Not that anything particularly out of the ordinary has been going on.  It's just been a lot.  I'm not sure if the winter blues are making her worse or what is going on.  I almost feel like a storm is brewing. 

A little background.  Almost two years ago this spring, NM and I were having a conversation about how hard it is to talk on the phone with young children.  At the time, NM called several times a week and often was on the phone for over an hour with me.  These conversations were often painfully negative and if I tried to get off the phone, she would do anything to STALL getting off.  Rarely did we talk about me (unless you count her questioning me about the kids about me), often she ranted and begged advice (that she didn't actually want to hear), and when I'd try and get off she'd say "let's see...let's see...what else is going on?" in order to hold me hostage on the phone. 

So, as my kids were screaming in the background, the conversation of how difficult conversations were came up naturally.  I said that I usually only had a half hour or so.  I wasn't actually trying to set a boundary or make a point or anything.  But she took it as such and quit calling.  I'm sure I was supposed to make any effort to call her.  I'm sure that she expected that, after not calling me for awhile, I'd pick up and dial her.

But I didn't.  I found the time off from her liberating.  And it wasn't like she didn't have ANY contact with me.  I still got daily texts, emails, or FB messages (often many and often from several different mediums).  I haven't called her, save a handful of times on birthdays and holidays, since then. 

A little more background: my mother has always seemed anxious and overprotective about her kids.  She endlessly "stresses" and "worries" about us.  Everything sends her into a tizzy.  But if you tell her you are concerned about her stress, then she back tracks and says how "strong" and able to deal with things she is.  She loves to be the martyr of stress.   Several weeks ago, she sent me a message detailing her latest medical appointment in which they did tons of tests as "something doesn't feel right".  All the tests came out fine and NM said she believes it's all the "stress" she's been under.  I suggested a therapist in response.  She immediately told me how wonderful everything was.  So.  That was that.  Stress seems to be a sport with NM and worrying about her kids (and herself) seems to be a favorite past time. 

Earlier in the month, NM came to visit.  It went OK.  As well as could be expected, I suppose.  She pulled some shit with my son that I've had to deal with and address.  And that sucked.  But nothing else major happened.

Then, I got the "something's wrong but nothing's wrong" message. 

Then, I got a load of messages as she looked through old photos on her computer (copying them and her commentary and emailing them to me.)  Included was her insane idealization of my grandmother.  (See this post). 

Last week, my family got a horrible cold.  One of the worst colds we've had.  Several weeks before that, we had a horrible stomach virus.  It's not been a good month for us.  And then, last week, a blizzard hit our town.  I live in a place that is used to snow, lots of snow, but this storm was complicated by bitter cold (well below zero), freezing rain, sheets of ice hiding under record amounts of snowfall, and raging winds creating zero visibility.  Several times over the weekend, HUGE drifts of snow (over 4 feet tall) blocked the road to our home and we were snowed in.  On Saturday, we were able to get out of our home but the snow had drifted so badly by the time we got back from the grocery store that we got stuck several times (including in our own driveway).  We were then snowed in (again) until a front loader construction truck came and dug us out.  (We live by ourselves at the end of a loop and so we were a bit isolated.  Not completely without help if we needed it, but it was a bit anxiety provoking.)  It wasn't the worst thing ever, but it was not a fun weekend.  Add to that we are still all sick and we've been stuck in the house for most of the last two weeks (me, hubby, and our two young kids.  It's enough to make anyone stir crazy).

NM also got some bad weather (but not like ours) and has to commute a distance on relatively isolated highways to work (however, it is possible for her to stay home.  She wouldn't lose her job and has something like 6 weeks of vacation.)

So, over the weekend, I updated my FB status a couple of times about being snowed in.

Within an hour, NM had posted her OWN status about having to drive on the roads.  It almost felt like she was one upping me.  I don't know why.  I've discussed with my blogging friend Kara how I just know my NM (and my sister).  I can feel the tone of their voices in posts.   I know their patterns and ways of behaving.  So, while I may have no proof of her trying to one-up me, the timing just felt too coincidental.

On top of that, she was messaging me about noticing a condolence I had posted on a friend's page (she must have been closely monitoring my activity on FB to see that).  She went on and on about how "short life is" and how "sick" the story made her.  And on and on.  About her.   And then, at the end, she tacked something on asking about how the kids are feeling.  She didn't ask how I was feeling, despite knowing we were all sick.

She also didn't ask how we were doing in the weather.  She didn't ask if we were OK or if we had help if we needed it.  It seemed SO strange.  So strange for this woman who frets and stresses and worries constantly (she has said in the past that she couldn't deal with me being pregnant because it's so stressful FOR HER.)  I'm guessing, and again this is conjecture, that I was being punished for not "checking" in with her (because, you know, she has it HARDER in the weather because she has to drive the roads).    I did make one comment on her picture and update about how bad the roads were.  She clearly was DRIVING while taking pictures and posting to FB so I told her to keep her hands on the wheel.  She responded by saying "I know these roads so well after driving all these years (do you hear the sob story there too?) that I know every bump on the road."  Hmmmm.  So, the roads are SO bad that you feel you can take your hands off the wheel?  Just because you know them well?

So, back to my point of punishing me for not being concerned about her.  Things started to click for me in a new way.  It's sunk into my head that she makes everything about her (obviously).  It's not lost on me that she changes everything around to herself.   But, when it sunk into my head that she was withholding love and concern for us as punishment, I hit a whole new level of anger and sorrow.   It finally dawned on me that this "overprotective, stress" is all manufactured and can be turned on and off depending on how much I'm catering to her.  If she feels love and concern for me, she'll mirror that back to me by being all stressed out and concerned for me (her definition of love).   As I've moved myself to safer distances from her, she's pulled her attention and concern for me.  She doesn't call and ask how I am, she doesn't ask how I am feeling (only the kids), and she doesn't seem interested in anything that I do.   The little trickle of concern she seemed to have for me has all but dried up.  So, when I didn't text or write to make sure she was safe on the roads, I could almost feel her bitter resentment shooting back at me.  I can almost hear her say "fine! If she can't be concerned about me, I'm not going to be concerned for her."   I can almost see her foot stomping and rage that I'm, somehow, making the storm (centered over MY town) about me.  That I'm not concerned enough for HER.  And for the record, I hadn't really thought about NM.  I had other things on my mind and the roads, while a bit dicey, seemed relatively "normal" for this time of year.  It didn't seem like anything she hadn't dealt with all winter. 

It wasn't until this situation last weekend that the full realization of how little she actually cares and how her "concern" is an act came slamming home.  Memories of my teenage years came flooding back (I really dislike this part of the process.  It's not like I've suppressed them, but when things like this happen, the memories come back very vividly.  And they suddenly "reorient" themselves into ways that make much more sense to me now.  It's like I had categorized them differently, and as I come out of the FOG, they 'line up' differently in my mind.  It's sort of hard to explain.)  I remembered how NM would make a huge deal of me being home when she called.  She'd be spending the weekend with her boyfriend and call at 10 to make sure we were home.  It never occurred to me to sneak out.  But I look back now and wonder why it didn't occur to her.   Once she got that phone call, she didn't have any clue what happened to me and, clearly, she didn't really care.   She had satisfied herself that we were alright and then it left her mind.   When I lived off of my boyfriend's couch in my senior year of high school, she never knew where I was most of the time.  She didn't know if I made it to school, or got fed, or got my homework done.  She just expected I would.  And I was such a good kid, I took care of all of that myself.  When I went to college, she had no clue what was going on with me.  Her concern and "stress" only seemed to pop up when it was useful to her.  Or when she needed something to do.  Some drama to live off of. 

She makes huge deals about stressing over NSIS.  So much so that she "wound up in the E.R."  Yet, when she goes on vacation, she suddenly doesn't have any worry.  How in the hell can she just shut it off like that?  Because it wasn't real in the first place.  It was trumped up and created for her own entertainment.  She freaks out and expects me to soothe her as she stresses about my kids, or death, or her health.  I used to believe that she had real anxiety and I sympathized with her.  But the fact that she can turn it off has lost her all my sympathy.   If her daughter can be snowed in (with her precious grandkids) and she doesn't feel the need to see if we are OK, then her "concern" in other areas is all an act.  Her concern is not a real feeling at all but a "product" of her feelings about me at the moment.  She can only be as concerned for me as she feels "filled up" by me. 

After all this work studying narcissism, this realization isn't totally new to me.  But as my friend Kara put it, it's one thing to "know" it intellectually.  It's a whole other to finally "feel" it emotionally.  And I am angry.  It hurts like hell to (again) have to accept that my mother's concern and love only extends to me when SHE feels like it.  When I've done what she wants me to do, acted how she wants me to, and when I've given HER the love and attention and time she wants.  It hurts that her love for me is in direct correlation to her views on how good of a daughter I've been.  I can not fathom, as a mother myself, how in the hell she can just "turn it off".  How she can withhold love and concern as punishment.  How does a mother DO that to her child?