My Father

I've put off writing about my father for a long time.  I really struggled with what  I would say and how.  Not because I was worried I would say the wrong thing, but because it is so difficult to really paint him with a clear stroke.
My dad suffered some unspeakable abuse as a small child.  I know little about the actual abuse, other than it scarred him for life.  He will forever be an angry, controlling, nitpicky, sweet, soft, vulnerable person.
When I was a child, he was a very scary man.  He was distant and stoic and I rarely saw him smile.  He was strict and rigid and, while I don't believe physically abusive, very harsh disciplinarian.  There was a right way and a wrong way to do things and you lived in fear of doing the wrong thing.  He was so angry.  He was depressed.  I know I enjoyed my dad at times. I have a lot of good memories.   But I never felt he was my protector.  I never felt close to him. We never connected, despite that I was continually "partnered" with him, as my sister and mother were always together.  He expected perfection in everything always.  In many ways he set me up for my abuse from my mom.  He very clearly laid it out that love was conditional on meeting his expectations. He always expected my sister and I to abdicate our feelings/wants/needs if it meant pleasing someone else.   He was so harsh that my mother seemed like a port in the storm, all the while she was poisoning us in another way.   I was not his princess or his little girl.  I remember calling him "daddy" once because I'd heard other girls refer to their dads that way.  I got an earful of angry insults and criticism.  He was not my "daddy".
When my parents divorced, he became a broken, shell of a man.  It was frightening actually.  To see someone who I viewed as so powerful, so stoic, turn into a blithering mess.  It was a rough couple of years for him.  At one point, I quit living with my mom and moved in with him.  He got on antidepressants.  He changed somewhat.
We've become closer over the years.  While my dad can have some extremely narcissistic traits, he has become less so.  I am no longer afraid to express my opinion.  He is interested in my life (although he often is so consumed by his depression, that I don't come on his radar) if I call.  He is (mostly) supportive.  And I think the most important thing, he will recognize when he is wrong.  I have received several genuine apologies from him.  But he still can be stubborn, and one sided, and it can be difficult to approach him with alternate opinions (but it can be done).  He still sometimes I insist that I abdicate my feelings for someone else just for the sake of doing it.  But sometimes he stands up for me.  I can call him and tell him about my bad day and he will be suppportive.  He's got a soft spot and is sensitive, but you have to brake through a pretty hard shell to reach it.
I don't know, it all almost sounds silly when I write it.  He is a very disturbing dichotomy of two opposites.  Sometimes the old, harsh dad I feared.  Sometimes I worry about displeasing him so much that I literally get sick.  Sometimes he is the new, mellow Dad whom I can talk to and relate to and feel good after spending time with him.  Sometimes he is not.  And the best part is, he is the least of three evils in my FOO.