I have been having such a hard time lately. Coming to terms with all of this has been so extremely hard. Hard to hear people tell me my mother never really loved me. Hard to feel feelings that I've been denying. Hard to look at the cold hard truth. Hard to even determine what the hell the truth is.
Hard to find myself in all of this. As I make commitments to allow me to be me, I struggle. Where to put the guilt, where to draw the line, where to feel like I am not being a selfish horrible person. Trying to establish boundaries with all those who have bulldozed me for so long. Living with the choice and not replaying the what-ifs a thousand times in my head.
My dad told me the last time we talked that he's been depressed, really depressed for months now. This is not new to him. He has been depressed for as long as I can remember. But sometimes, the depression sinks lower than usual. This has been one of those times. When I talked to him on the phone, he was bitter and surly and short. So, I just let him have his time. I've barely talked to him. My sister has been in one of her all encompassing moods. She is just so busy with her life. She claims she misses me. One occasion sent me a one sentence email about needing to connect. But most of my emails or texts have been ignored. She doesn't call to see how I'm doing. And frankly, I don't call her either as I have not the energy to listen to her monologues. I've had a considerable break from talking to my mom. I haven't been avoiding her, but have just been sick and tired and been using it as an excuse to lay low. It's actually been somewhat nice, with only email contact. But it's like the calm before the storm. I can feel her anger and resentment across all these miles between us. See it dripping in the texts and emails. I'm sure I'm in trouble. I just don't think I care. Or maybe I'm too damn tired to care.
So here I sit. Alone. Feeling divorced and separate and alone. An orphan. And I can't talk to anyone about it. Everyone's lives move on and I'm stuck in this stagnant mud trying to escape, to move on. And I wonder why no one, no one can see past my mask.
I can really relate. I've tried to talk to so many people about it, but many don't want to hear it and prefer the fantasies and lies. They literally force me to wear the mask. I'm tired of it too. It's hard to be an orphan, especially when others around you don't want to realize that you are one.
ReplyDeleteHugs. We understand and believe you and you don't have to wear your mask in front of us.
Amen.
DeleteJess,
ReplyDeleteI feel the same as you, I could have written this post last thursday, I know that horrible feeling of sensing your mother's anger even without speaking to her, as if we could feel it telepathically. I was thinking about what you said about feeling like a horrible selfish person and isn't it funny how we only feel that way with members of our family of origin and only when we try to set boundaries and they don't get their way with us. I read something about that type of guilt in a book about boundaries years ago and it helped me at the time but I kind of had forgotten it, I'm going to dig out again and I'll post about it.
"...isn't it funny how we only feel that way with members of our family of origin...."
DeleteTrue of sooooo many things.
I love all your articles Jess. They resonate so much with me and what I go through sometimes. I feel her anger too, especially when I don't call her..especially they pretend everything is okay..but still u feel its not...and the ironic thing is, I think they enjoy it. It's like they hate when things are normal.
ReplyDeleteThat is so true. My mom and sister have to have drama all the time. There always has to be something going on. I don't think I've ever had a "normal" conversation with my mom that wasn't laced with emotional intensity. It was one of the ways I began to really sense things were her problem and less mine. The more I tried to have a "normal" relationship with her, the more I tried to not live in drama and chaos, the worse she got.
Delete