I'm angry again. I'm angry with my FOO and I have no where to put it. If I call them out on their shit, there will, at best, be no resolution. At worst, I will get a full on assault for being a horrible, uncaring sister who isn't their for her family. I'm angry that no one has decided to call me and give me the truth about what is going on with my sister. I've gotten lots of contradictions and half truths. I've gotten lots of excuses. I've been heaped upon by NM with mountains of guilt. Guilt for not being there for my sister. Guilt for not being there for my mother. Guilt for not wallowing in theses new found predicaments. For not crawling in the hole with them and cursing god. For continuing to live my life. Guilt for having a life, when poor sister is so deprived, and a lone, and not blessed with the "fortunate life" that I have.
I'm angry that when I'm supposed to be celebrating my son, when the focus should be on this precious child, they are determined to steal the attention back from him. That, even if all they've claimed is true, they couldn't lay it aside for this child. I'm angry that they are coming at me with both barrels blazing. That they are ready to take me out for my trespasses, and the collateral damage of my child concerns them not at all. That they are willing to use a weekend set aside for my child, to demand the attention for my sister. To try and make HER the center of attention. To want to create a place of refuge for HER, at my home, on a weekend reserved for my child, so that my sister can feel better.
I am so tired of all of this. I knew things had been too quiet. I'd been allowed to much free space to roam. But I never, ever, suspected that this would be the result. I never suspected that I'd be put in such a position that there is absolutely no way for me to win. That I'm, once again, cast in the role of horrible sister/daughter. Blamed for all and focus of all negative emotion.
Sometimes things are so bad, that I don't even know where to begin to draw boundaries. They've trampled on me and stomped on my life so much and I'm so far in a hole, I don't even know how to start. I don't know how to not be in the place that I am anymore. They have instilled so much fear and guilt and chaos in my life that I don't know how to move beyond it.
I want to live a life that doesn't exist in the extremes of emotion. I want to live a life that allows to be happy in the little things. I don't want to live in chaos. I don't want to be so swallowed by them, that there is nothing left for my kids and husband. I want to just be fucking normal. I want my kids to have a loving aunt and a grandmother that sees them as magical. I want to stop being sucked dry. I want to stop being saddled with their every burden. I want to stop wearing their problems. I want to be me, not the person they need me to be. I want to be healthy and at peace. I want to quit living in this goddamned soap opera. I just don't know how to get of the ride exactly.
All of there shit is piled on top of my own shit. Financial issues. Health issues. Marriage issues. Nothing horrible, but things I'm working through. Things that I've done a damn good job of putting into perspective and dealing with in small bites. Remaining positive and trying to see that things will work out how they are supposed to. I've done well finding some health in my own life. But I can feel them clawing at me. Pulling me down, draining me. They are locked in a pit and their fingers rake and claw and pull me down, down, down. And in those moments (or lately days), it's hard not to let my own life crash down on top of me too. When all my energy is being sucked out by them, I have little left for myself. Or my kids. Or my husband.
And so I'm here and angry. Angry for me. But really angry that they are sucking away from my little boy. Stealing his limelight. Stealing his mother's attention from him. Stealing his chance to shine and celebrate his life. And I'm angry that I am struggling to stop it. That I just may be the coward that is allowing them to do it to them.
Boy have I been there Jessie. You'll have to gradually wean yourself off the anger by reducing the amount of energy you'll give them. I know, I'm only now getting the hang of it after decades. Anger is always telling you that you are trespassed upon. Set your boundaries. Keep them no matter what. Even when you second guess yourself, give yourself the ultimate benefit of the doubt. Nothing is more important than your own family (spouse, son). You'll never have the kind of mother and sister that you want and need. Think of them as needy turnips. Period.
ReplyDeleteThanks CS. It's actually been only recently that I've even allowed myself to feel anger at them. I've spent years pushing it down, so I'm hoping it's a big step to recognize (and hopefully deal with in a healthy way) the anger. I do need to quit wasting energy on them, though. That's where I'm struggling at the moment.
DeleteI would never say you were "wasting energy"; you need to feel every bit of your anger and it's really good to write about it. Nothing and no one can 'rush' it out of you. Just take it from someone who knows how much of your life anger can eat up. Along with everything else it signifies, anger also shows you that you still have hope. Giving up that hope brings depression, and that's much harder than anger. For many of us, depression preceeded anger. Depression is anger turned inward. So turning it outward is a step forward, IMO. But eventually, there will just be dull and irreversible mourning as you gradually stop caring so much. I am just now entering the early stages of attenuated caring. And I feel better. Until someone in the family dies or falls ill. Then I'm sure te guilt and anger will do another round-robin. But I know to look for it, and to prepare for it in advance, think out what I'll do and how I'll do it. No more ambushes. I'll try to see it coming.
DeleteI think I balance between the depression and the anger. Never really stepping into either. I'm trying, so hard, to feel the anger in order to let it out. Instead of swallowing it down, dismissing it, or ignoring it like I have in the past. Or worse still, believing my mother when she claims my anger has no validity or right to exist. And I think you are right, giving up the hope makes me so, so, so sad. Which makes me angry again. And I've lived for so long stuffing all my major emotions, that I don't even know how to feel them at times.
DeleteYou give me hope, though, that there is a life out there beyond this all. Thanks for your comments and support.
Jess, this is the tragic paradox. ONly through abandoning hope can we release the expectation (often held unconsciously, beneath our anger or depression) that they might or will change. Then, slowly, life starts returning to us, this time it is ours, to have, enjoy, keep, without the toxic umbilicus that keeps our emotions tethered to the reactions of Narcs.
Delete"But really angry that they are sucking away from my little boy. Stealing his limelight. Stealing his mother's attention from him. Stealing his chance to shine and celebrate his life."
ReplyDeleteDon't let them.
And the start of that is here: "I am struggling to stop it." You're angry because you are struggling, not because you aren't experiencing success. However small, you ARE making headway. And you'll continue. There is no other option but to keep moving forward and keep protecting those little ones.
I think I'm angry because it has to be such a damn struggle to begin with. You always look out for "outside" harm to your kids: illness, predators, safety hazards. It hurts so much to have to fight against those who should love him the most. I am making progress, but damn, it is HARD.
DeleteI wish there was like, a boot camp, for ACoNs and their spouses. Yeah. That's what we need.
ReplyDeleteI understand every bit of emotion you are feeling and like the others have said, you need to let yourself feel the anger in order to move through the healing process. It took months of therapy before my therapist could convince me this was OK and there are days I still struggle with the idea of allowing myself to feel somthing perceived by others as a negative. You are being "crapped on" by your own mother and sister and it is so difficult to accept the fact that your relationship will never be a "Hallmark" moment with them. There are days I sit there and allow myself to wallow in my own self-pity wondering why they didn't or couldn't love me enough to have the special mother/daughter or sister/sister bond but I pull myself back out by remembering it is not me with the problem but it is must certainly my mother and sisters. I am a mama bear ready to protect my sons at all cost and if you mess with them, you just best be ready for me to come at you. It sounds like you are deciding when or if to draw the line in the sand. I went "no contact" 8 months ago from my entire FOO and while it was a difficult decision, it has also allowed me to distance myself from everything you are describing. Your children and husband come first, everything else is secondary and that is what I had to realize. My FOO was making me miserable and in turn...I had become a miserable person to live with. My oldest son (15 years old) was actually begging me to go to therapy. That was when I knew it was time to change my relationship for me and my immediate family and honestly, there has been no looking back!! Be strong, you can do it!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts and support.
DeleteThe anger is good, Jess, it helps us to stand up for ourselves. I think you have been there for your family but I think nothing you ever did would be enough. In any case it isn't your job to solve their lives' problems, you already have your own life to look after. It really isn't on that they're taking over this occasion to appease your sister and making you the horrible one when really it's them not taking responsibility for themselves.
ReplyDelete